Slow but better footing.

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I am feeling a bit better than I was this morning.  Sometimes those type of dreams, of women, generally not erotic if there is the memory of that in there, is a good thing.  Sometimes it isn't.  That is probably how all of life is, when viewed more closely.  Even the memory of the same things, seen in a different light, or mood, or current situation, can totally change what is felt about what happened in the memory.  It wasn't exactly a down dream, either.  It just targeted my frustrations, generally, theoretically, involving women, love, and that sort of thing.  Wanting but not quite getting.  Getting but it not quite being the right thing.  Loving, and being loved, but right past each other.  The artifacts of a world of defensive and offensive love, tactics which are supposed to create a healthy love but end up killing the thing.

I looked over the plants today again.  Perhaps a few more habanero plants will rise.  It almost looks like three to five more might be doing something.  The Tai peppers just aren't growing as fast as the Sarrano, definitely not as fast as the tomatoes.  It will take few more days, if today and yesterday were any indication, before I can replant the Tais.  Same with the Jalapeno plants.  To be honest, they all really look the same.  Tomato and all the peppers, at this point.  All have long thin green stems and two 'helicopter' leaves, what more can you say?  The tomatoes might be getting 'hairy', if I look closely.  But the rest are just plain.  I did let the neighbor's son, when he came by to mow, know to let his mother (the family gardener) know that I have tomato and pepper plants to give out, if she or others want some.  I don't know if he will remember but I will be seeing others tonight.

This sort of moodiness as I am returning to health is sort of a pain.  One minute I feel like I can change the whole world, the next I am in a zone from which I can't seem to rise.  I keep rocking back and forth, trying to break loose.  The heart is trying to kick over, the body is trying to fill the new capacity, but having to figure that out first.  I've watched as babies crawl along the floor.  Sometimes they just can't go further.  They take a nap right there.  It's not a bad plan, really.  It is sort of how it goes.

I am going to try to make it to town tomorrow.  I am really low on some essentials.  Plus, just getting out is good.  A fast-food joint would be nice to visit too.  Nothing fancier, as my money is really being focused on saving up some scratch, and on the side prepping for Burning Man.  I don't know how much the latter will cost, or how quickly I can do the former.  Goals, that's all.  No, no complaints.  Walking the tightrope keeps me more on my game than not.  Even when I slip and fall a bit, having things I have ingrained in, things I to which a conscious awareness must be maintained, keeps the slip from becoming too deep.  Odd how that really does work, sometimes.  Too bad it only works in the short haul for me.  Oh, I've tried.

I think the reason this time, as I come out of a down time, it is a little milder and the event shorter, is because I maintained medicines, as well as I could anyway.  Medicine will, obviously, not keep me from sliding into the pit.  I do think it makes the drop shorter, the climb out easier, and life at the worst just a bit more numb... not always a bad thing.  Yes, staying on medicine really does help.  Though too, I think I was right to cut back on one of the pills.  Cutting that medicine allowed for me to begin doing better.  There is simply a pretty hard limit on how many and what kind of medication I can take.

Later.