Why the bad heart?

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There is always the notion that bad things just happen.  Good, bad, neutral, it is intimated that rain will fall on all, irregardless of their sentiment or attachment or indifference to God.  Satan can't actually hurt us, without God agreeing to it.  Job is the one time I remember such being allowed.  I don't see signs that God does this often.  Some suggest, perhaps, that the Father had to turn His head so Christ could die on the cross.  But that was the greatest "corruption" of evil ever.  It took the most evil of things and turned it into salvation for many, most.  Yeah, that wouldn't count.

In the secular way, of course, is the fact that viruses attack animals.  And whether humans are to be classified as animals, or even what is and isn't human, is a different debate.  Especially with biology, weak of a science as that is, coming out with new findings that it is more likely human like beings are more likely various species, or even subspecies, not one united genetic group with minor cosmetic differences.  Different arguments with material that would be confusing here.  Simply, our animal flesh is subject to ill effects from contact with other living things.  Hmm, I should qualify that, as there is some debate about whether viruses are actually considered living.  I'm not sure what they would be if they are not living.  That would put them in the arena of naturally occurring nanobots.  Which... opens up a whole different can of worms.  One we probably don't want to head down.  Because naturally occurring, itself, would become suspect rather quickly.  It has been suggested nephilim tinkered with creatures, humans, and themselves, before they were erased in and at their time.

Anyway...  So I got sick.  As I have suggested, I do believe I had an attack before I was out of high school.  Perhaps before I finished middle school.  Something was wrong.  I truly had to push to do much, even with a will to it.  Sure, secondary all conference on a team that didn't win a game and while I wasn't planning to go to college in football.  Lettering in three sports.  Taking ap classes, if I... was lagging with sleep problems (still did twice as good on the standardized tests than the next best student, if grades didn't show it).  The final straw, however, did occur in the Navy.  On my first submarine.  I had an attack of the shingles right as we were setting sail.  There was no time to see the doctor on the tender and our 'doc' (a medic with combat experience) didn't have the extremely powerful antibiotics needed.  He had some things, and offered what he had.  But that only kept the thing, mostly, in line.  My youth and strength had been enough to go on and do much until this last attack.  Within three months of leaving that sub I had become non-functional.  Mind to body, trying to keep up with the demands of the service, or even get out of bed regularly, deterioration became nearly complete.  Nothing I did would change it.  A new man, not in the good way.

Whatever others think, I have to wonder.  If God did play a role, it was to slow things down.  I was going so fast and so hard I couldn't have heard His call.  Who knows though.  It might simply have been the odds, chances taken when life is gifted.  While I may not have created a career, or gone on to finish engineering school, or some other things, I did learn to appreciate quiet times.  I learned to look before leaping, if often because all I can do is look.  There is no leap to me from time to time.  I learned to quietly reflect.  I learned to trust, in some ways.  How many who are unable to work are able to buy a home?  I have been gifted with a bit of a life.  It isn't all woe.  What I lost, the potential for certain, was not replaced.  But the world isn't fair.  I won't say I'm happy with it all.  I also wouldn't trade it, if I still hope to work through or past it.  I learned too much and gained in ways I didn't think possible.  I do know I had a lot fewer sins, and perceived sins, to work past because of becoming ill.  And while there is confession, that doesn't... answer all.  Here and there, a price.  And... I do like roses, both the real and the virtual, and stop to appreciate them now.  Save for pink ones.  Hmm, though even those smell quite nice.  And do make nice little gifts.

Dinner was good, and needed.  I should move the single hose one last time.  One last area of the yard needs a bit of water.  The hoses are set up to my liking now, for watering again in two days.  Later.