Just wanted to clarify.

.
.
Supper arrived at 18:30 or so.  The lady, and I remember her name, brought a fine meal, apologizing and worrying about a few things.  Sometimes I can, sometimes I can't, remember a name, at least for a while.  I think it's a function of the heart to brain.  Well, and probably a bit of male pattern brain balding?  Anyway.  We talked a little bit.  She has a brother with a heart like mine, but he is unable to get on the heart transplant list for a number of reasons.  So she knows a bit about my condition.  Oh, well, and she is a nurse, so has dealt with such cases.

I tried to explain, as is obvious, that I don't look as bad as I am.  Well, and I do have more capacity than most in my condition, but that isn't much sometimes.  What I forgot to explain was that her meal, and the others, are golden.  I don't know if she has ever dealt with someone who, even when hungry, can't figure out to eat.  Either can't get to it or can't think to get to food.  I just want to explain that even if food became very regular, which it hasn't but if... it would be miles superior to going without food for days, weeks, even a month or more, then trying to feast that horror of pain away and creating just the opposite problem, when I finally am able to cook or otherwise get out.

People have no idea.  And while I have improved, I will say the grounds for much of my improvement is having regular meals often enough that I can fill in the blanks or even go without for a while without ever quite getting to starvation mode.  That is harsh.  And while I learned to become numb to it, and even when the physical pains of it diminished, I always used to hurt for it.  A little taste of death for my spirit.  That food, her food, her gift, is more valuable to me than a gold coin, a diamond, a Mercedes...  I really do have priorities squared through drought.  Doesn't always help me always choose the right path, but...  it doesn't hurt and it will usually help me find my way back to wisdom should I stray.

Just... wanted to put that out there.  Never have to apologize.  I write this full and hale, and improving.  Something I would not be able to do if food was either not there so that I had to feast on the upside, like a drowning man sucking for air any time his head got enough above water.  No panic, no horror, no pain, no stuffing.  I really am amazed what I know a living creature has, have, even is surviving.

Thank you.  Just, thank you, very much.

Oh, now goodnight.  It took me a while to get the post out, so I accidentally made it past 20:00.  Yeah, it's sort of how things go for me often enough.  Reaching for one thing I end up with two birds in the hand.  Good night.