The world, she spins!

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Bruised and battered from trying to push my day around.  I am sprinting toward my goal and still losing ground somehow.  I DO know what a salmon on it's return run goes through.  The current, the rocks, the jumps... the fishermen and bears.  All, though, of my own devices.  Throw the world in on it, and... it is an epic swim by a humble being.  Sometimes all I am is a bundle of will to survive.  Nothing else can remain or I should ghost a final time.

Sleep is hard, being awake is hard, everything hurts just a little.  The pain isn't overwhelming, but as the pebbles in the shoe when they cannot be handled due to the urgency of the march, the subtle suffering is it's own unique form of torture.  I just have to focus erstwhile, when I can.  Then narrow that focus to a laser beam of the meanest of point.  In doing so, capacity to function narrows and can be swallowed by the void of everything else.  Does what I just wrote even make sense?  It is my mind talking with raw thought-feeling.  Right past, and over, my conscious mind... like a... diamond bullet, not into my mind but out of it.  Clean, crystalline, pure.  Yes, yes... like that.

Down by... 8:00?  Up at perhaps 16:00?  Dunno, but... all around and thereabouts.  Medicine is being taken correctly.  I have thawed meat and eaten lately.  Steaks, then chicken gizzards.  I even when a bit fancy with the gizzards.  I breaded them, baked them, cooled them, then put them in beaten egg and coated them with panko, before frying them in lard.  Oh, yes, that is the crunch I so dearly wanted.  Yes, that will make fried chicken perfect.  No dishes, no laundry, barely moving, things hurt, can't think, can't sleep, awake solidly but lost in fog.

Christmas?  It's coming, isn't it, soon.  I did review the 12 days of Christmas thing.  Yes, it is after the official day.  I need to see if I can get out and buy a quality taper candle for an hour burn each day.  A few years ago, members of the local church brought by a 12 days of Christmas candle.  And I did use it, within my capacity.  I think my goal, with Christmas celebration, is to light the candle each day, and spend some time, an hour would be great but my focus won't work... just... some time... praying.  While the candle is light...  Mostly just to thank and praise God in Christ.  To thank Jesus for His teaching and sacrifice and the grace He offers.  Yes, I think that will be my goal.  I may do an official write-up, so as to keep it and then begin making it my tradition.  What do you do for Christmas?

Later.