A few things, anyway.

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For a while, I had wondered if being stationary, as I declined in function, was the reason for the soreness.  If it were, and it can be if that hits hard, then it lasts until I become active again.  Thankfully, it seems that the pains were really from overdoing last week.  All good.  As I've mentioned, that sort of pain can't be bought at any price and yet, to me, is as priceless as it seems.  It means, essentially, that one is living... and as fully as they are able.  It means I am scraping bottom to reach for the unreachable.  The pains, have, for the most part, completely gone away.  Since going down Sunday, really, and onward, so far, I haven't gone down so hard as to create other pains.  A good thing.  You don't want to be sore from just sitting.  And, you don't sit that hard and long as a choice.  Sounds strange, just trust me.  Some people think, given the choice, or option, that they would love to sit from Sunday to Thursday.  And, for a one-time thing, that might be true.  But when such a thing hits, and there is no choice, it isn't as fun as it would seem.  Be careful what you wish.  Thought, that has never been a wish of mine.  Though reaching out to... own too much of the world and myself may have been why I am what I am.  Though, sometimes, bad things just happen.  Who ever knows these things.

I had an appointment today.  I had forgotten until just a few hours ahead of the time to be there.  I could, technically, timewise, have mad it.  But I was already pushing bedtime in an attempt to reorder my days and nights.  My eyes hurt as if sand had been poured in, my body hurt for sleep, my mind was reeling and wandering like a desert madman sage.  And I would have needed a shower, to dress, and to drive... and all of that on very short order and in a hurry.  So, I changed the appointment.  That seems like the simple, and logical, thing to do.  But, for most of my life to this point, even if I happened to notice things had gone sideways... ahead of time, like this, but just barely as I did today, and in the condition I was in, I wouldn't have, perhaps couldn't have, called.  I haven't always had the ability to reach out of my grave, to touch the world, to risk the exposure, to verify my condition... or to signal weakness that if followed upon could be considered a tactically dangerous exposure.  Do not cry wolf but do not whimper, ever.  Whimpering in the world of the lethal, leaving blood on a trail, dangerous.  Better to die alone, bleed out in pain, than to let them know.  I don't believe medical is, always, on some things, in some ways, more so the V.A., your friend.  The best of their worst is that they will 'love you to death'.  The worst is they will use you as a data point, as I believe the V.A. has, and darkly.  They knew about my heart for a long time, or highly suspected, and didn't mind taking huge risks... probably just "to see what would happen".  Data they play with, and probably sold.

Still, I did this.  This was considered mild enough exposure.  I am, after the call, not sure.  They tried to keep me on the line, after rescheduling, and asked a bunch of data that hasn't changed in decades.  I don't know if they were checking something, doing a passive medical or other exam, or what.  Perhaps they get year end bonuses of longer contact times.  I don't know but I don't trust.  Medical, coupled with military and intelligence once you have become a lump, and the government ever, are not your friends.  Know this, love this.  This is the truth.  Use them as employees, don't ever allow them to become your boss... if, in America, that may be too late.

I did stay awake until well past noon.  I think it was past 13:30.  I called at 9:30 or so.  My goal, today, was to stretch to just being awake out to the appointment time today.  Getting back on scheduled has a cost.  With the weather going from light to dark, warm to cold, and a general cooling, this fight is going to be hard.  While this summer wasn't optimal, it was easier than fall and winter will be.  The goal is to do as much as I can, when I can.  I had hoped for a two week reschedule, instead it will be more like a month and an half.  Perhaps I shouldn't rush the schedule change?  The thing is, I don't want days to be when the sun is up just for appointments.  And yet, with the seasonal cool and dark coming in, getting on schedule quickly... I may not be able to keep that ordered for long.

Just blathering as I wake.  I woke at... maybe... 18:00?  Which means, if I can, I will take a nap later, perhaps a long one.  I can push, but only so far.  I can sleep, but once disturbed that's that.  It's like being in a space craft with no real engines or steerage.  I have boosters, of very limited use, and can open vents for even smaller shifts in trajectory.  But I can't just hit the gas and go to a specific point.  Right now, if the example was the case, I am merely able to keep from finding out how solid the heat dissipation shielding is and wondering if, should I fall, whether I would land where I could survive.  As many times as I have fallen, healthwise, I have never known if I would be able to rise again.  Even now, jaded about it and used to it, I am never sure.  In real terms, yes, I will.  But it doesn't feel like that.

It's a good day, other than those minor things.  I just need to figure out something to eat.  I may even see about a shower, maybe a drive to town for an easy calorie rich meal.  If not... I'll figure something out.  Rice and quinoa, with that little cooker, have been on tap quite often.  I might see how well it handles oatmeal.  I do like that stuff.  Gruel, but I like me some gruel.  Hmm... I wonder... I still have some pork sausage, some of it maple flavored... cook that in a batch, keep in in the freezer, add it to the gruel.  While I like gruel, I love meat.  Mix and match, somehow, and...  It's a matter of hitting the right combinations of vents and thrusters to translocate to the goal.  Nothing, in this place, is as easy as it might seem to those down below... or in my case... up above?  Who knows.

I've got food on my mind.  A goal.  A little one, but it pays for itself and pays forward as well.  I best get to waking in the hopes of vittles.  Later!