Such dreams.

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I saw parts of my life.  I saw through my eyes, and the eyes of others, from the past.  I do, and have always, considered myself an ugly man.  Half giant, half man, all ugly.  I never did understand how I was able to be with many of the women I was with.  I didn't rate, as I accounted things.  Frankenstein type ugly.  It's how I see things, only worse as I grew older, gained weight.  Yes, between sixty and maybe eighty lovers, some of them the type men kill, and die, for.  I was never really into that killing and dying for a woman thing.  She either worked, and was available, or not.  If I do easily know the difference.

In the dream, I realized something about my side of things.  While I don't hold great value in my attractiveness to dames, I realized that is part of what kept me from being a real cad.  It was only when I was so beat to hell by life that I forgot that I was ugly that magic happened, and I found myself in some woman's arms, then bed... or... wherever.  For an hour, a day, a week, a while.  I promised nothing, only that as soon as I healed, I would probably be gone.  Not always in so many words, but... they knew.  Bandaids for wounds that would never heal.  Bloody damned wounds, cut through everything I am.  Just needing time and warmth, wet and soft, to... scab up enough to get back in the game.  The dream brings with it so much sadness for some reason.  I can't put my hands on it, just... a great sadness.

So many pretty faces, some names.  I have seen a side of femininity that most men will never touch.  A widow maker, of sorts.  They, most of them, knew that I was, when with them, on my deathbed.  It brings something different out of a woman.  Most of them knew that I had to dig until I got back to this place, and couldn't bear the life, but could share in the moment.  Knowing I would either die, or rise again to go out and find my way back to another deathbed.  I have simply found a more permanent sort of deathbed.  I suppose that is why I could pull in some of the very eclectic sorts of women, feminists, lesbians, straight, married when I was more lost, and single.  It's also why I think of women as I do.  It was never just, or even mainly, about sex.  That was just one of the tools of healing.  My last such love introduced me to both the music and the movie, by the way.

In the dream I saw me from their side.  I realize, at least at one time, it... they saw something in me, of me.  More than enough of this, and that, to pull them to me.  Enough strength, enough wound, enough of this and that.  Perhaps... even hope.  I can't see it as I live and breath.  I wasn't born to see it, it isn't for my eyes, mostly.  Only, perhaps even just this once, and only in a dream, I saw.  Whether to offer understanding, or maybe a hope for a future, or merely just because.  I am pretty sure what I saw was true enough, and it does help explain.

I also realized the only reason I could marry today is because I am beat to hell every day, even in this new improved life(tm) of late.  While I do much, I have to fight for it.  I don't spell it out, usually, but it's the truth.  The improvement doesn't bring ease, only an allowance for more suffering, or suffering in a new old way, or closer to it.  If I had my health back, I'd be doing something or other that cut until I couldn't walk for a while, then hole up somewhere, possibly in some woman's arms if I could handle even that, then go back out and do it again, until death or the end of time.  If some woman catches me, she should know that if I get well...  If I am married, I will hold true.  I don't know if she could, seeing me just when I was so torn up I couldn't do more.  It's my nature.  It is what I am.  Probably not an issue, just...

Oh, by the way, they are suggesting fire eaters are more of an alpha type, sigma in my case if they don't quite get that yet.  Most scientists being on the lower end of the masculine pecking order, I suppose I shouldn't expect much in the way of understanding.  Still, it's close enough to find a place on the menu.  I don't even have to work at it.  I use the hot sauce they use for their waiver signing hot food contest as my standard fair, habanero sauce I make at home is just a medium, the bought hot sauce is just a higher medium.  Just a natural.  But... the dream makes sense of my doubts about my standing in the pecking order too.  I've never claimed alpha, or sigma really, it just sort of fits, like a shoe.  In ways, if not all of them.  Such dreams.