Sleep has been odd.

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I wonder if it is beginning to warm.  I am sort of going back and forth on sleep.  I attempted to merely nap, but went in harder, for sleep this morning, than what I had anticipated.  While it was almost too cold initially, I think it warmed well.  But that difference caused me to sleep... sideways.  A sideways sleep is when I sleep extra long because it is too warm so that I wake up physically grumpy.  Sleeping in heat is not fun, but sometimes it's all I can do.  So my body sleeps too long for my sleeping needs, trying to get rest out of an ugly sleep.  Something in there.  Well, that is how it feels.  Technically, this isn't a hot, or even warm, day.  It is only so if compared to recent weather.  There isn't such a thing, in one sense, as relative.  And yet, in confined parameters, there very much is.  Such as today.

I can't believe I am still messing with some notions.  If that so-and-whositz is so-and-so, then he is choosing to take the hit.  I am starting to suspect that he does take things personally.  And, since I don't know him all that well, perhaps he should?  Either way, it's not my problem.  If he thinks he is an elite, and whines when he is placed in with the rest, it's a personal problem.  I don't bow to nobility, self-appointed or not.  If he acts alpha, but claims sigma, that is his problem.  I don't bend a knee, not even when conquered of flesh necessarily.  He hasn't done that, nor has he done so of mind or spirit.  Did I wound him?  Was he standing in front of the target, accidentally or on purpose.  Was he the target and I just didn't realize it?  Don't know.  If so, too f'ing bad.  Toughen up, lad.  Or I'll bow you.  If you can't handle a blind old man, or take the jabs back you give, get out of the game.  I don't, however, have any use for a lieutenant.  I really am singular.  I'll let others lead, until they fail or until I have other directions to go.  Then it's best to just let me go that way.  I keep bumping into things about this in my sleep.  Not giving me heartburn, on my side of things.  But it is causing several some burn.  All good.  If you really think you are an elite, you got another thing coming.  Stay in Europe, where that belongs.  Though, I can see, you might have done this or that, you really haven't had to stand, or survive, on your own two feet.  All you have had to do was extend the silver-spooned umbrella your parents gave you.  You have done so, but you haven't had to survive, only figure out how to thrive.  So, no... you don't know some things.  There is a difference.

Oh, and something else.  About that musical story I told the other day?  Yeah... I did try to demand that my quality be known, that I not leave without a trace, and some other things.  When that seemed obvious to fail, I decided to take my marbles and quit the damn game.  Couldn't even do that, it seems.  I have learned that my ego, my own, my very precious worldly thing, doesn't matter.  The first, and to a degree second, poem, express this well... poems and pictures.  I am, and will remain, a nobody, a nothing.  Even if, as my story suggests, that I have things yet to do?  It isn't about me.  Not only not important, just another.  I was forced to surrender my want of... some grace of the highborn.  Everybody, really, is nobody.  Hold on to such at your own peril.  Being around me will wound you.  Nothing I can do about that.  You will either grow up or go away, and neither concerns me in the least.  I still go through rages about my own death of ego, from time to time.  But... I believe it, finally. Oh, but as with the death of flesh, it is better on the other side... mostly.  Your choice, always your choice.  Come to an understanding with this, say friend, and approach.  Or go away and forget you ever stumbled on this old artifact you call me.

Today?  I don't know.  Like I said, I slept sideways, from the relative heat.  One cup of coffee down, another couple to go.  Medicine has been regular.  Sleep has been up in the air beside being off.  I just don't know today.  I'll grouse and grump and limp around until I can yank my foot from the nail sticking it to the reality floor.  Oh, no worries, I enjoy the challenge some days.  Usually, actually.  Hell, the worst it could do is kill me.  The best is give me an ego boost when I figure it out.  None of that is horrible, so long as next time I get to stay dead.  Hurts to die, hurts to come back.  My distrust, if nothing else, and the known pains involved, keep me trying to stay on this side of the veil.  If too, I have, as suggested, learned to enjoy life, little as it is, on this side.  All good, whatever.  Not much choice in either case.  Lump it, love it, work it.  Every day, the bad days more than others.

Later.