Something is still not quite right.

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Oh, well, I have definitely had worse.  Now, when I suggest something is off, it is more in line with how most of you might understand it.  The effects are more troubling for me than they would be for you.  I have to fight much more diligently to do anything.  But I no longer drop into some psychic and physical abyss.  I simply stopping be as able to to a bit more, or even a lot more, active.  I remain aware.  Very aware.  Even lively of mind.  Just not of body.  And yet, even when I fail, like making the meeting, I almost got there.  I was ready, and on time, but the body got ill from the push.  Really quite good.

It isn't medicine, as that has been going forward, if at my lowered doses.  It, I think, is the constant changes in weather, the new stronger spring sun, and perhaps a few other things.  Spring and fall have always been a bit rough, or potentially.  My physical body is very tied to the world.  The rest is not.  That strain is great.  Still, over time, I have learned to balance the mind, even against the body and worldly changes.  But I seem unable to shield the body against the changes?  That is my theory.  These last few years seem to have strengthened my theory, as my mind has been more able to stay focused.  The bad heart just intensified the variability of the body, and discrepancy between mind, or mind/spirit, and flesh. I'll just keep working on it.

I did try to make a call, and set something up, last evening.  I will try again, today, sometime.  I have to arrange to buy tickets today, and then get in for a summer haircut.  It is still quite cool in the mornings, so I am not absolutely certain of the wisdom of this.  Since my friend wants to go in, and I want to get this started, I will just press ahead with the plan.  I'll probably need it neatened before I head to SMan, but that is fine.  I do need the rest of it trimmed anyway.  Tangles are annoying.

Hmm...  Very chilly this morning.  Coffee, waking up, and all might help.  A shower before too long.  Oh, and I best make sure I can sign in so as to place an order before too long.  Life happens very fast at critical moments, if the rest of my life seems to tick by at a hundred years a second... or just the opposite?  I have learned to slow time, at times, and enjoy each moment.  I used to not enjoy that, but I certainly, often, do now.  Even when native painkillers don't stave off the suffering.  Save at those critical moments?  Yes.  Story telling, if you wish.  Though I might suggest what you suspect is a story isn't, and what you suspect isn't the story is.  Though, how can any be sure... even the story master.  Can't be.  Not ours to know, not quite yet.  Or there would be no stories.

I have been thinking, lately.  True, I don't trust women.  I don't.  I also don't trust, or eventually believe in, Santa.  But you know what?  I got Christmas presents, still do.  I didn't believe in the military, my fellows' ability to help, or my own self... and yet... here I am.  Belief is nice, but not necessary.  Oh, one day, some things will pass.  And some things shouldn't be given full trust.  For now, all things fail.  Some things should.  It won't ever make complete sense, can't.  Not yet.  There is a point to all that, but it is mine, not really to be shared this morning.  I suppose you can take away that belief isn't, and probably shouldn't be, the cornerstone.  But finding what is true, and holds up... and taking what, from those who offer it, that works, is enough.  It gets tricky as to how to write that out, exactly.  But it's in there.  It is faith, not belief, that will see you through... and beyond where I have even gone.  Something in there.  More coffee.  I'll be chewing on that for days now.  Tastes of whale, and has the feel of some things here and some things not.

Good day.