Cold dark mornings.

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Not brutally cold, and the sky is beginning to lighten, if it is cloudy on top of all else so just won't really get bright.  It's a trifecta of gloom.

Someone recently suggested that, perhaps, me falling off my medicine was a passive, or even active, attempt at suicide.  Well, no.  It hurts too damned much, the fall is too frustrating, and getting back on the stuff hurts.  The pains in the various stages can be from brutal to annoying.  But they always exist.  Not just this type, or that.  Muscles in the neck and shoulders always go through harshness.  My organs flip and flop like fish out of water.  Further, this never kills me!  No, if I want suicide, I know how to do it without an ounce of hurt, or even if I want it to hurt, I know... well... actually I don't know.  Back when I thought my problem was all in my head, and knowing the head can't actually be fixed, I tried stuff that was 100% guaranteed to kill me.  It didn't.  I do know things that are supposed to work.  I also know I don't control life or death.

My organs have been doing minor flips and flops, but it hasn't been too terrible.  It's different, but along the lines of waking a limb after it has been cut off from blood too long.  This is as mild of such a situation as it gets though.  I am already through the neck and shoulder pains and headaches.  I am doing better.  Just adding in the cold and dark and it gets a bit rough.  All good, considering.  A few more days to a week and I might be... hmm... better.  Perhaps I can begin hitting more daily, or not.  Perhaps soon on that, or not.

My friend has died.  I knew it was going to happen.  Especially if they didn't treat him.  I was not able to get up to see him.  I felt so trapped.  Ghosts have no arms or legs to gnaw off to get going.  Just couldn't get up and ready and out.  They aren't having a formal funeral for him, just a graveside affair.  His sister will keep me informed.  I'll visit as soon as I can.  While this doesn't help, it is actually pushing me to attempt to get out, to visit his grave as soon as possible.  Life was difficult for him, so in that, I don't begrudge him rest.  I just pray he is in a better place, and ask those of you who might think on such things as wise to also pray for the relief of his soul.

I need to get on with my day.  Later.