Yeah, I'm around.

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I just haven't felt like talking.

Oh, I saw it coming.  Thus the gloom in some posts.  I did, in one post, wonder if what I saw coming, maybe two posts in particular, but then I realized for whom the bell tolled.  I am simply not that lucky.  I... think I have mentioned that before.  Then, when I realized, there was naught I could do.  I could not even get up and out and over.  I could change nothing, regarding his health or my function.  I am still only barely able to do much.  I had a backlog that had to be settled.  Still do, really.  If you think watching your own life slip from your grasp, helplessly, is bad... and I know that... watching the life of another slip away is a good deal worse.  More so when you can't even go see them.  Maybe God simply said no.  He has done that before.  Not that I didn't try.  And, yes, I suspected not only what was coming, but that my running through the sands of time would get me no closer.  So it was.

I have learned to eat disappointments.  I have learned to put up with humility.  I have learned to live the life of the fool, the clown.  No matter how potent or capable I have, can, or will be.  It, like life itself, is not always a choice, certainly not as I would have it.  Some burdens, perhaps, are beyond me though too.  Unlike many, I still attempt to bear them.  Like many, that just isn't there always.  Those who have no choice, and can, are the ones who pay.

I did get the geese delivered, the last three.  I don't even know if they...  Yes, I was thanked.  Perhaps my gifts were so much foolishness.  Who knows if folks even enjoy such birds.  I am not sure such a thing is a gift to give.  Oh, I was thanked.  But that is what people do who were raised in, or taught by, a polite society.  An odd gift, in one sense.  Well, it is done.  Returning home for the night, I was able to undo the mini-freezer/fridge.  If nothing else, the item will be good for flash hard freezing items, and a bit as backup.  More so if I arranged a minor solar setup.  Though, yeah... who knows about such kit.

I made it to town to have dinner with the other friend.  There was something going on regarding a memorial for our friend.  It is, mostly, arranged.  I have agreed to be there, and it is at a time where it is possible.  I am not familiar with this form of ad hoc event.  I am capable of going with whatever happens, as I am sure folks will do their level best.  It is good to see others moving ahead with that.  I would have but I don't know these things.  For some rare family, I have been to funerals or such.  Most of my dead have only seen my back.  Not in rejection, just I had to be somewhere else or there was nothing I could do... no time, no way, other commitments, or it was simply too much.  No disrespect meant, just... it's how I lived and survived.  Lean, always moving, buried in...  No, I would not have thought of such a thing, not as a group.  Though I still plan a visit.  Late, but a change.  If also in my strange time.

So, I did what I could.  I am getting slightly better.  I still have a backload to arrange and tend.  And yet, finally, I am digging my way out.

Oh, and I have had so many question whether I am dying.  I am presuming it was because of the gloom of some of my posts.  As explained above, the bell tolled, but for him, not me.  Yes, I saw it, inexorably, moving in my direction.  And, again, not for me... or just enough for me to smack me away from it's intended prey.  Not the first time.  No, folks, I am not dying.  Neither, honestly, do I wish to talk too much about it.  Not quite yet.  Thought I would be good, with all that foreknowledge.  I was wrong.  I've let readers and some principles know.  But... yeah...  too fresh to dig into it.  Maybe the memorial will help though maybe not.  Don't worry, don't...  I'll be back at it in a bit.

Hopefully I can keep digging and pushing.  I can't change what happened, how, or my part of that story.  I can, when I can, do what I can... until I can't.  Later.