Rough, but a better rough?

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Yep.  That is as rightly as I can phrase it.  I keep not taking meds, or dropping off.  Not a choice thing, or ornery inclination, simply... I forget?  Yeah.  I'll start it up again today.  All the dark, perhaps.  The cool is creeping in as well.  I am fighting, I am simply not winning.  Thought that I am fighting means I am not losing, or worse just sleeping.  I may be recovered from the day I pushed a bit too hard.  Then again, I thought that if I got enough done I might be able to get out.  Sometimes that works, not this time.  I am going to hit a few things today.  The dishes, trash, and recycling.  The dishes just went for a hot second third soak for a second wash.  Most of the trash and recycling is out.  I won't even try to get the boxes out.  Instead, I may break those down, put them in the back, and take them to the center in town.  There are simply too many.  I have not been keeping up on those at all.

Dreams of late.  But not just... these have been different.  A lost woman.  But she isn't trying to kiss or kill me now.  It is more like she is trying to, oh, come to some sort of agreement.  She didn't like being forgotten.  She seemed jealous of other women.  A ghost in the machine that is me.  I have been looking for a way to lover her, let her go, and move on.  I don't think most will ever quite know that.  Oh, sure, we, even I, have done that with people.  But not with people who were forgotten to such an extent that their haunting was a terror.  Even the memory of her had been buried.  A child too, unborn or in the process.  I still don't have many details, just feelings, and that she was a lovely woman, girl.  We both had each other wrapped around our fingers.  I had to go through something like this about other memories, and people.  But a woman and child are so much closer than anyone else even can be.

I don't know what will happen.  I just know that we have been talking and holding on in order to become familiar enough to finally let go, but in such a way that I don't simply forget, mostly.  Being as close to a ghost as I am, and what else I am, memory isn't always available.  And yet there should be more than night terrors, anger, doubts, and such.  If I could remember her name I might even take a trip to where she was buried.  I am not sure I ever went.  Being in the Navy at the time, and keeping her off the charts, I doubt if I let anyone know.  As well, I might have been gone, if I don't think so.  Very shortly after, but I was there.  This was required for anything else to happen.  Of all the things, I think this was the most difficult to 'remember'.  Easier in some ways.  I am doing enough better that, when it came do, I just didn't ghost through the memories for a decade, as I did with the others.  Bumping into to their ghosts and running away, or sleeping, or becoming so much more ill that I couldn't deal with it.  More difficult, but being capable of facing it full time, much shorter.  This might work itself out in short order, shorter order.

Yes, a few jobs today.  But I don't want to push it as with last time.  Trash, dishes, and bringing the hoses in.  Tomorrow a shopping trip.  I have been making sandwiches with the deli items.  I have also been growing clove sprouts, which won't be ready until tomorrow.  Just some added greens.  I wish I had the forethought to set those up ahead of the purchase.  The problem with that is, even if I plan to get out, I may not do that as scheduled.  Remember, I have been trying to get out, even to SLC, for a week or more.  Can't do what I wish, not always, and certainly not when I want.  Still...  I am saving the sandwich makings for when the sprouts finish and green.  Just sounds good.  Though I might also buy lettuce and onion.  Crisp and sharp adds that final bit to a sandwich.

I best get on to waking.  Later.