Ah, good.

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I finally crashed.  I have no idea when that was.  After my last post, and by some number of hours.  My routine hit a snag, a secondary subroutine tried to kick in to keep me going (if against my actual will) but failed, I think my systems attempted another reboot or two.  Finally, simply like a machine out of memory space, I crashed.  All good.  I needed, and wanted, sleep.  If I can figure some things out, I will do well enough.  First is how to get enough sleep stacked to do physical things, like get to town, do dishes, begin in on the kitchen again.  For while I have been quite awake, and mostly quite aware... if a bit, hrm, off... I mostly can't physically function.  I my body simply needs more sleep.  Has to have it.  I have to catch up and keep up for a bit, or sneak out at an optimal moment at the right time of day... which I haven't seen for a while.

I'm not trying to be tricky, sneaky, or crafty.  I'm merely, sleep cycle wise, sort of caught in something.  Much like meeting a wave in the ocean.  You want to go that way, it is going the other way.  You go with the wave.  If it's a rip, it might well take you far out.  I have learned, with this, to go with it, just keeping my head above water, not do else until it lets me go, then reassess.  Sometimes going back in to shore is easily possible, sometimes it's best to look around for help.  Shore is just too far, perhaps.  Sometimes there is no help, so caution and an easy pace are needed.  I haven't died so far.  And, yes, I could see how this can kill.  Both directly and indirectly.  Though, to be honest, I think struggling is more important, and healthy, than otherwise.  Is their a choice?  Yes.  Very much so.

Life is not easy, not always.  It has gotten better.  Add what I wrote above to nearly no memory through it all, an inability to eat... for various reasons... for weeks at a time, the wrong medications and sorts of medications, and no real understanding of why things are happening.  Yeah, it was a rough many years.  Now I just go through this a few times a year, if up to months at a time.  I can actually get things done now.  It's no longer the sum of my life.  Though, when I suggest better, I mean it simply isn't as bad as it has been.  It isn't normal or good, it just doesn't hurt and I don't feel lost.  I understand what is happening and can sometimes plan around it, a bit.  Though, this time, it's a bit worse.  I think I might  be coming back around.

Later.
[untimely post, forgot to past this as per the time stamp... fiddling with it, too tired to get it right]