Much better.

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The good part is that pain and fever are mostly gone.  The bad part is what remains is a starved husk without the strength to eat.  I'll try tonight.  Awake a bit later than preferred, to get the ducks in, but not too late.  With the water still relatively fresh, I dumped some, thought about taking it in.  Didn't think I could tow that much in my state.  Nor could I dump it all, wrestle it in empty, then wrestle the hose out and back after refilling.

Thought to dump more, then tow that in, but realized it wasn't possible, tonight.  Perhaps in a couple days.  If I can't handle leftovers, perhaps fast food.  It's mostly junk, but sometimes a starving body just needs raw calories.  The last time I ate I was only able to eat just a bit more than a single chicken drumstick, heated three.  Before that?  I think I mentioned it, or cooking it, the bacon wrapped drummies and pork roast.

Sleep was very good.  After being awake for thirteen to sixteen hours for the first time in nearly as long (?) since I ate (every variable is in some doubt due to the fever), I wasn't sure how waking, sleeping itself, would go, end.  No pain, if a little achy from hunger... not true hunger pains, more pains from a body trying to reserve succor from a body with nothing to offer.  Stupid thing is, in this starving state, I'm still not in keto and diabetes is high.  Bastards.

I'll keep at it.  But food, for the next few days, is vital.  As well as medicine.  Although, it seems, after some issues, when I have medicine, even if it breaks my balls, I do take them.  Better to have chipped brass hang-lows for a bit than a bp of 215/180 and a pulse of 140.  No future in that.  Not that I have a future, I have given my soul over to tending this broken duck of a life.  So be it.


I've been old, now, longer than half my life.  A foolish gift, in a worldly way, but a true way to wisdom.  Kneeling to the certainty I am not in control.  Actually, in surrendering if only after many heavy suicide attempts?  Even if given nothing, I found I had far more control than when healthy.  How?  If you ever want to know, and dare?  Let go.  I don't mean give up, quit, stop.  I mean stop trying to... be right.  Just be.  Oh, you'll revert, from time to time.  Just don't let that be your end.

I think it was a gift from God.  While I was seeking, I would have had to release more than I could alone.  Sort of like being passed through classes early.  Beyond having the knowledge and skills, there needs to be a method and then an allowance within that.  God said yes.  It's not quite being nothing, as with Zen, it is more not being the point while be a universe unto yourself.  As said before, if all else were to go or quit the real faith, that would make you the church.  Not a good church, but look closely at the church.  How much worse could you be?  Don't be deluded by the pretense of saintly leadership.

Anyway.  Sweatlodges will... do this to you.  Imagine moving into one for the rest of your mortal days.  And then finding God right beside you, and gratitude for it all.  :p  It's not bad.  Reserve your sympathy, most likely it is you who need it, at least as you would offer it.  :)  I'll keep you in my prayers.  Later.