A rough one.

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Not pain, or such.  Struggling with life's wants, needs, and sleep.  I wanted to go to bed at about 22:30, when I realized how late it was.  But hunger just wouldn't let me.  So... I got something going that way, a bit of meatloaf and mashed potatoes.  Heated in the oven.  That takes about forty minutes.  I... just don't trust the microwave, and will only use that when this, that, and the other thing converge to deny a serious need or want of food, and allowing little to possibly practically no time to cook.

So, between getting the food wrapped, and in, the oven going, and that time, it was nearly midnight before I could eat.  Then... I... just can't sleep immediately after eating.  My body just doesn't do t hat.  So... another few hours to settle.  Then, of course, I... forgot the program, as I was tired all yesterday, and more tired at that point.

Finally, around 3:30, I realized it was bedtime.  Got up, and went to bed.

I didn't bother with the eight alarm, but did set the the ten alarm.  I woke, however, at 5:56 or so.  Not permanently... but... woke fairly solidly.  Given how I felt, I decided to turn the eight alarm back on, see if that would work.  Nope... I hit the snooze three times, and what would have been the fourth, turned it off.  Making sure the ten alarm was still on.

The ten alarm did wake me, eventually.  I burned through all the snooze options, but was up and going shortly after the final snooze.  Sassy has been fed, coffee water is heating, and I'll get a portion of food going.  Then?  I am hoping to begin on chores which have been stagnating.  As I can, anyway, through the day.

But food, coffee, waking time?  That'll take me to early to mid afternoon.  Though, too, I will eat again, around 17:00 or so.  I don't want to eat late again.  That really messed with my sleep cycle, plans, and such.  Live and learn.  I thought I could go without food for the rest of the day.  I was wrong.  I'm not eating much, so... I suppose I need to eat more often, for now.

I did get the larger dose of carvedilol in last night.  I'll do that, hopefully, for the next few days, then begin checking bp daily to every third day.  If that doesn't quite do it, I'll add a smaller tab with night meds.  And, if that doesn't work, another tab in the morning too.  That stuff is pretty potent.  But there... isn't a limit to it, save what my body can handle.  And two tabs, a big and small, day and night, is... right at that limit.  I hope it works, or that getting back to carnivore dieting does.

Payday is close.  I'll get propane then.  And, will start back with meat.  Every other day, anyway.  For the first week or two... until I feel at more ease with it.  Then two out of three days.  Then... back on into it full time.  It's... a bit brutal of a feeding habit.  But what it does is so good, I'll take it.  Hmm?  Tomorrow?  Nice.  I best shower this evening.  Or be ready to shower first thing tomorrow.

Dishes, laundry, a shower, the freezertop... list toppers.  A few things to be returned.  Okay.  Life is difficult.  But I'll keep at it, as I may.  Oh, but food, and coffee, first.  I'd best get food going.  Clear the litter boxes too.

Oh, an... interesting theory posited.  If you are into various horror genres, and prefer less gory, or in your face, or jumpscare types?  This might be of interest.  Is this movie cosmic horror?  Presented by a Fin?  So he says.  Hard to say what a Fin is these days, innit.  But... for temporary political arrangements, I'll take him at his word for the minute.

Does he get it?  He... has points.  You'll have to decide that for yourself.  I just, mostly, enjoy presenting certain films.  Plus, I haven't quite finished it.  Enjoy.

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Okay... finished the vid.  And?  Interesting.  It goes to the definition of cosmic horror.  The thinker behind the vid seems to not go with the premise.  Which, is... fine.  Probably, technically, correct.  Me?  Again, it goes to what the definition of cosmic horror is.

In Lovecraftian material, there usual is a monster, an old one, and ancient one, or many.  They directly, or indirectly, shift the balance of minds.  Driving some to insanity, in worship, or fear.  Sometimes without the monster even being aware it is having an effect.  Though, possibly, probably, without the need or want to care, but with the general intention of doing such... probably to the aims of destroying all, in time?

In this case, is the sun that?  He argues against that.  I... agree... to the point of fact.  But not necessarily to the point of all else included, and being equal.  Hmm?  I mean, the sun isn't what they are facing.  It isn't the sun that is getting to them, causing their psychologies, or bodies, to fail.  Nor is it the sun that puts the villain on his track.

It... looks like the sun.  It quacks like the sun.  It must be the sun?  But... it isn't the sun.  What they are facing?  Is death.  The vagaries, certainty, fear, and even love of that eventuality, being, entity, truth?  Right.  As such?  I can easily see this being classified as Lovecraftian, only from a very scant angle.  And angle you have to be ready to peer into, at just the right moments.

Death, after all, for me, is the end or finality or truth behind all the Lovecraftian avatars, beings, creatures, monsters, demons.  That, in the end, is the real unknown.  He just paints those things as mechanisms in lieu of death.  To make it seem more real, more substantive, more solid.  Because death, in it's absolutes, on what goes for it's face, is what truly terrifies.

Most people would rather face something, no matter how horrifying, terrifying, incredible, and such, than to face a nothing that can end them.  An incredulous idea without any substance, that is final.  To me?  Lovecraftian horror is... an easing of the path toward the veil of tears... perhaps more for those who are totally enamored of the "enlightenment", materialism, and without the capacity to embrace the truly unknown.

If you don't fear death?  These genres will not attract you.  Which is why I never quite got the bug.  When younger, much younger, yes.  As with Frankenstein, the werewolf, zombies, and else.  I... still enjoy, a bit.  But... it's... a passing fancy these days.  Now that I know death is certain, and just the end to one part and the beginning of, hopefully, the better part?  It's... just... not the same.

Now, vampirism is more frightening.  For it might well leave one alive through the end of time, with no hope for better, more, or truer life?  Fear from totally different directions.  Anyway, a fun game for the morning.  Breakfast is ready.  Best eat, rest from that a bit, try to wake, then get to work in as I can.  Aye.  Good morning.