A bit of a headache.

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I did stay up excessively long, a few times in a row.  That right side of my body, falling asleep from time to time, pins and needles, really had me worried.  Though I found, after pushing through a bit later last night, that pushing things doesn't help either.  It was starting to twitch again.  So I pushed to close up shop, getting on to bed.

My mother called today.  Got through!  I wasn't sure I wanted to bother answering.  I have been answering, but she just sticks on the phone, doesn't talk.  It worries me so.  But, okay.  I... answered, anyway.  This time she talked.  She said she is using their (the nursing home's) phone.  But that can't be.  I have my phone on "do not disturb", which means a call from a phone number not in my list won't ring through.  She's just gaming, I think.  Or she is old and ill enough that... she... isn't always... aware.  I'd say it's a fifty fifty thing.  She's a gamer from her childhood... that kind of girl... no woman.

No worries.  I don't care.  Know about that which you deal, and either accept it or walk.  Could I be wrong?  Sure.  But I wouldn't bet against me, no on interpersonals.  Business, local and private to international?  Sure... I can miss that.  Academic understandings, and false notions?  Sure, I... can be caught in a trip line of false narratives.  But my mom?  No.

She crawled right inside my mind, to keep me from being a girl.  Or... to the best of her ability.  I know her well.  Better than she knows herself.  No complaint, just saying.  For her to do what she could, I learned far more about her than even she knows.  Spared me much pain, if through much pain, for both of us.  It really did, as it turns out, hurt her more to hit me than it hurt me?  She wasn't lying.  I hurt her a lot.  :p  Funny thing?  Her mother and her had a... similar trouble.  A lot of love, but a lot of pain too.  I just wish they had gotten the chance to... finish and get closer.  It's the rest of the story.  Her mother passed before they got that chance.  At least I know some things, from grandmother, that is good.  Dead before I was born, but that doesn't mean closed to me.  Death walkers see much.

Well... on to something.  I forgot to turn the furnace off.  So it is rather warm down here.  Up to 39 outside, if that is still just a wee chill.  Snow, in a few hidden corners of the yard, but mostly gone.  Fresh air though.  Wonderful.  Oh, and no.  I appreciate what my mother did, or tried to do.  She spent a lot of effort on me.  Did her best.  I tried to follow through.  Heartbreaking how much effort went into getting me to a woman, only to lose her and our child.

Still... thinking on... figuring another way though.  I'm not quite dead yea, not all dead, as they say.  Not yet.

Hmm.  Hungry-ish.  The pb&j's were okay, but not really.  I'd really like to find meat that is good.  I need to clean the kitchen back up, so cooking is easier, though.  With the driver license, I may just get out and buy burgers.  Wendy's, they make them without the buns.  Though the buns aren't that much of a problem, if I avoid soda and french fries.  Though, I will face the same problem, of not... liking it... not wanting to eat, not much.  Ugh.

On to some gaming, as I wake.  Later.