Someone IS getting into my house. In a general check, little seems to be missing, though I will do a more thorough check once my final is complete. I am insured, but that is not the real problem and there is a spend down or, co-pay, whatever it is called. As well, my internet is still being used by someone else. I am starting to think that my computer problems are, potentially, related to my home intrusion. I have started removing pieces and parts from my computer, when I leave, to try to ensure it cannot be used. However, I still do not know who is doing it, precisely. My neighbor gets the most scrutiny because of his criminal record and some other things. Though in this neighborhood he is certainly not the only suspect, he would be the one who would be most likely to break in every time I am out simply to use the internet (or try) and to steal small food items (he probably gets the munchies while breaking and entering).
What to do. I have called my landlord, and I expect a call back soon. I will not go into details with him on the phone. I am going to ask for a meeting here at my place, or at his home, and we are going to discuss some things. This problem, now that I see free time coming up, is going to be tended. I will not live like this. All I can say is he a.) best not be related to these people and b.) best not have known about the criminal history when renting, without telling me and offering security (if he wants to have a bleeding heart, then let him be the one to suffer for it). I will be seeing if the V.A. has any resources, and perhaps start looking for a lawyer. It depends on how this goes.
As far as the CO2, I am unsure about that. I have left the windows closed, initially for the last week or so, while out of the house, and completely for the last few days. No alarm has sounded. I have been moving the alarm between my bedroom and the living areas as well. That too is a frustrating thing. But right now, I just do not have time to find another place to live, study 5 chapters of engineering calculus III, and deal with the break-ins.
I may end up just abandoning this hell-hole. I would rather see the creep that is getting in here go (most likely back) to jail, but this area is not keen on punishment. Even when the parolee criminals get popped for drugs, they just get a finger shaken at them. When they get popped for DUI, or get in a BAR FIGHT, they do a day or two in jail, or half-in half out-for work. I think they have to kill someone to get a couple years in jail. This area is cowardly toward criminals. I would daresay, more, enabling to the criminals.
I have been looking at home security systems and a new computer, After reviewing my wallet, I realize those are pipedreams, for the moment. And, the home security will require a lot of work, ingenuity, and some not so small security measures of it’s own. I do think that however this works out, as soon as I can scrape the money together, I will be putting in just such a system. It will go with me wherever I go, save when I go “camping” of course. But I will always need a base of operations, so it will always have a place.
On the up side, my last calculus test was better. After the slow slide down from a high B, it was good to get a better than solid B. My quizzes are busting my gpa, as my tests are solid if less than I had hoped. Our professor will allow the final, if it is good enough, to replace another test but not the quizzes (which equal a test, totaled and mixed in). I am a bit frustrated with that, but it is just the way of it. So far, I am getting right above a B- (83.6%). A lot is riding on this final. A solid B or above will keep me in B range, I cannot make an A but I can lose the B, perhaps the B-. So, I study, when I can keep my mind on it. Arggghhhhhh! Now, though, I am a bit surprised to have made it this far. I think of it, given the situations involved, failing to succeed yet succeeding in not failing. Nothing to write home about but I will take it.
Update:
The landlord called back a short bit ago, and wanted to come over. He purchased a better CO2 detector, one with a digital read out and wanted to bring that by in any case. So, we I will be having this discussion very shortly. Wish me luck? Nah, stick with praying for wisdom and resolution, please. Unless you are not of the fold, then I suppose wishing me luck will do. (Hey, why beg a man poor in something for that which is not his, accept his offer graciously, if judiciously, especially when being supplicant in that request. Gee, even I know that.)
Update:
The landlord was quite concerned. We spoke of a number of topics. I assured him that this was not a health issue, though I think I actually mistook his question. As I thought about it later, I realized his concern was not about my state of health as to my understanding of the situation, but of concern for the events' impact upon my health. People speak differently, and hear differently, but body language says a lot. His questions were of concern, not doubt. The new CO2 monitor is in, on, and working. New locks are to be installed. And, when discussing a security camera system, I think he was planning on covering that cost! Now, I do not think I could do that, but it was quite kind, generous actually. It goes to his character as a man and landlord. He has taken care of any doubts I might have entertained regarding him in this matter. So, I will stick around and see what I can do. These new locks are supposed to be bullet proof. My only worry is that there may be another way in. I cannot imagine how, but I do know thieves and cheats are quite good at what they do, like to do it, and can find a way if they have all the time in the world and no stated moral ethic.
Dang, it looks like first a computer, then a video surveillance system. With even one class on my tab, plus these when able, I will not have much for that which I had hoped. Still, I go in for foot surgery (the first of 2 surgeries, the next 4 to 6 weeks later) next week, 2 days after my final. All save the big toe, on both feet, are hammered nearly straight down. It didn't used to be this bad, I am sure. But years of inactivity have done their worst. I actually used to be able to do a 4-5 minute/mile 5 mile run. Not great, but I'm not sure I even could with me feet as they are (though the beer belly wouldn't help either!). So, I probably would not have been able to get out much anyway. Still... @%#$$%^#%@# I almost hope I do, and I almost hope I do not, ever catch who is doing this.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Sunday, December 2, 2007
A decent menu and cook results in a satisfied Critter.
I had stopped cooking, along with most of life, as things became “down”. Lately, however, I have gotten back into that game too. I have been trying to eat 3 meals a day, usually of the lighter variety, though at least one meal a day gets out of hand if only a trifling. Tonight’s meal was the one for today. I decided, it being Sunday, that a presentation meal was in order. That being the plan, I looked at what I had thawed or otherwise available. The chuck roast in the fridge looked pretty darn tootin’ good. As usual, potatoes go with that. It is just my way. As I was rummaging around the fridge, I happened upon purple cabbage and onions, fairly recently purchased but forgotten none the less. After a quick check, these were found to be both suitable and in good repair. Needless to say, the meal was a smashing success. The roast was medium to medium rare, the cabbage was splendid (though I think next time a half a quarter wedge would do fine, thank you), the potatoes were… well, potatoes, but the half onion was superior as well. Topped off with a tall quart of chocolate milk, and the deal was done.
I’m even keeping up on dishes and such. I start the dishes in very hot water, too hot for even my hands (I absentmindedly grabbed the stainless handle of my roaster, from a 370 F oven, nadda… I’ve poured, quite by accident, boiling water on my arm and hand (twice in a row that time, the QoD was gabbing at me and I was actually trying to listen while making hot tea for us, again, no burns). This gives me a little time to digest the meal before getting to it. So, I thought I would write a little post.
I have been a bit lazy with school work. I started back up today, but I am nervous. I have a quiz tomorrow and the final next Monday. About half of the final will be over the new material (which I do not have down and missed a class because the CO or CO2 tech was late (one of the more important classes with the time involved, the difficulty of this new material, my lack of understanding of the material, and the other material I need to study, so I was a bit miffed!)). So, I had best dig in, again. So much else needs attendance however, that life is becoming problematic. Oh, drats, I need to register for school… yet I need to speak to my money people to see if they will come back on board with funding or not as that will be how I will decide to take two courses or one. Hmm, I could register for both, and drop one should the money not be there. Still, that is one more complication in a set of complications regarding that whole unknown. We will see.
Anyway, back to the dishes, then a final review for the quiz (actually, the only review), and then to bed. I’m going to be looking into swimming in the mornings, now that I am getting up regularly. I may have a partner or two for that, but I won’t worry about that at this time. I can not depend on others. Well, take care. And remember, if you cannot laugh at yourself… a.) who can you laugh at? or b.) pick someone else to laugh at. B, bbbbbbbb b. hehehe
I’m even keeping up on dishes and such. I start the dishes in very hot water, too hot for even my hands (I absentmindedly grabbed the stainless handle of my roaster, from a 370 F oven, nadda… I’ve poured, quite by accident, boiling water on my arm and hand (twice in a row that time, the QoD was gabbing at me and I was actually trying to listen while making hot tea for us, again, no burns). This gives me a little time to digest the meal before getting to it. So, I thought I would write a little post.
I have been a bit lazy with school work. I started back up today, but I am nervous. I have a quiz tomorrow and the final next Monday. About half of the final will be over the new material (which I do not have down and missed a class because the CO or CO2 tech was late (one of the more important classes with the time involved, the difficulty of this new material, my lack of understanding of the material, and the other material I need to study, so I was a bit miffed!)). So, I had best dig in, again. So much else needs attendance however, that life is becoming problematic. Oh, drats, I need to register for school… yet I need to speak to my money people to see if they will come back on board with funding or not as that will be how I will decide to take two courses or one. Hmm, I could register for both, and drop one should the money not be there. Still, that is one more complication in a set of complications regarding that whole unknown. We will see.
Anyway, back to the dishes, then a final review for the quiz (actually, the only review), and then to bed. I’m going to be looking into swimming in the mornings, now that I am getting up regularly. I may have a partner or two for that, but I won’t worry about that at this time. I can not depend on others. Well, take care. And remember, if you cannot laugh at yourself… a.) who can you laugh at? or b.) pick someone else to laugh at. B, bbbbbbbb b. hehehe
Friday, November 30, 2007
Thinking... (and more clearly?)
I cannot get rid of what is on my computer, I think. I am pretty sure it is similar to the news of these viruses, trojans, tracking cookies related to this story, or (and most likely) groups of such. It could be a severe case of tracking cookies (though I have everything set otherwise, these freaks are smart freaks about their junk), or it is all just an over-reaction to an initial and real attack. For the time being, I am just going along. I am prepping for some changes which should tend the problem, the limiting factors are time to a small degree, money to a larger degree, and education about it all. I think, after this, I will be much more careful about accepting anything which cannot be verified in multiple ways, I will probably cease doing business online (using my phone instead), I will exclude going to “friends'” personal websites (not so much bloggers on blog servers, I think that is relatively secure within the larger blog system), using e-books, software, or even movies on my system from friends and family (who may be ignorantly passing this garbage or hackers, one really cannot know), and generally having the system tacked down very tightly with that, a few new technologies, and a different set of operating and security systems.
As for my recent paranoia, though I think it has some basis in reality, I think it was additionally fueled by a home difficulty of which I was unaware. I am not setting aside my security concerns, only reviewing them in light of new information. I seem to have a CO2 problem in my house. I had not been using a CO2 monitor my landlord provided. I had used it a bit the first summer, yet with the house often open on cooler days or parts of most days, of course, the thing never went off. As time went on, the particular plug the device was served by was needed for another set of items (a smaller fish tank, light and pump), and so the monitor was set aside, eventually finding it’s way to my weight/storage room. In casting about, on a recent particularly nothing day, I happened to be perusing the contents of my electronics box in said room, and found the monitor again. Having had the house closed up for the last two to three months, I thought… why not? I could think of nary a reason, so into the wall socket in that room it went. Upon returning from classes that day, I heard this slow steady beep. I thought it was one of my watches, the cell phone for one reason or another, or whatever, but paid it no heed as I was digging into some work. Eventually the sound became irksome enough (and the homework required me to take a break) so that I finally went seeking. Seeking and finding, I found a rattled CO2 monitor, bleating a warning. Ah, I suspected, being in an off room, it was probably a false warning. Yet, knowing there is only one way to know, I plugged it into one of my bedroom sockets. Wow, the thing went off like a rocket.
So, I’ve been turning down the furnace first (burrrr, but I mostly like that) and keeping my windows open a crack in my bedroom at night. Guess what? Sleep has been fantastic! I have been able to go to sleep at about 10 pm to 12 am, waking at 4:30-6:00 am, and rested and ready! I feel like a new man. You should see my kitchen and bathroom! I really do like to keep things up, and up to specs, really. No, actually, beyond up to specs. But that will take some time... which I do not have a lot of with finals approaching. Anyway, I’ve been doing quite well. Oh, I also discovered that during the day, if I close the windows, I will also begin falling into lethargy and begin getting terrible (migraine) headaches and heating up bodily (I had been having those things happen at night, as well as waking unrested, being unable to return to sleep, etc. recently). I suppose getting air at night made the previously more tolerable yet still problematic daytime lack of fresh air less detrimental, with air at night, the problem became awake time, which only shows it was a problem. The migraine had felt as if the brain stem was parting from the spinal cord in a real way, as if a spike had been being driven from the lower base of the middle back of my neck up toward the top (slightly left) of my forehead. So, I’ve been limiting myself to a two hour warm up after awakening with all windows shut, then turning the furnace down again and opening the windows in the front rooms a crack. I do need a little warmth to get going, get my shower, and just begin my day. Nicely, my windows have mechanical limiters which prevent the windows from being opened more than about 3 inches, for security reasons.
I had the apartment checked for sources, nothing could be found with the furnace or the water heater, nor was any room giving a warning. Still, people had been in earlier to simply check the furnace (fall check-up), and I had the windows open until ten that morning while also having been out of the house a large part of the day until the 3 o’clock check. I am not sure what is going on, and my “fix” is an expensive one (open windows in Iowa winters, even if just a crack and the furnace down), so I am unsure how to proceed. However, this does give pause to my notions of home invasion, if it does not eliminate the possibility (just because I am paranoid does not mean they are not after me *laughs*), as well, I know my computer was hacked, I just do not know if it still is. So, I am going slow with any action or reaction until I can clarify. Like, oh, I do not know… maybe an owl? Yep. What a hoot.
As for my recent paranoia, though I think it has some basis in reality, I think it was additionally fueled by a home difficulty of which I was unaware. I am not setting aside my security concerns, only reviewing them in light of new information. I seem to have a CO2 problem in my house. I had not been using a CO2 monitor my landlord provided. I had used it a bit the first summer, yet with the house often open on cooler days or parts of most days, of course, the thing never went off. As time went on, the particular plug the device was served by was needed for another set of items (a smaller fish tank, light and pump), and so the monitor was set aside, eventually finding it’s way to my weight/storage room. In casting about, on a recent particularly nothing day, I happened to be perusing the contents of my electronics box in said room, and found the monitor again. Having had the house closed up for the last two to three months, I thought… why not? I could think of nary a reason, so into the wall socket in that room it went. Upon returning from classes that day, I heard this slow steady beep. I thought it was one of my watches, the cell phone for one reason or another, or whatever, but paid it no heed as I was digging into some work. Eventually the sound became irksome enough (and the homework required me to take a break) so that I finally went seeking. Seeking and finding, I found a rattled CO2 monitor, bleating a warning. Ah, I suspected, being in an off room, it was probably a false warning. Yet, knowing there is only one way to know, I plugged it into one of my bedroom sockets. Wow, the thing went off like a rocket.
So, I’ve been turning down the furnace first (burrrr, but I mostly like that) and keeping my windows open a crack in my bedroom at night. Guess what? Sleep has been fantastic! I have been able to go to sleep at about 10 pm to 12 am, waking at 4:30-6:00 am, and rested and ready! I feel like a new man. You should see my kitchen and bathroom! I really do like to keep things up, and up to specs, really. No, actually, beyond up to specs. But that will take some time... which I do not have a lot of with finals approaching. Anyway, I’ve been doing quite well. Oh, I also discovered that during the day, if I close the windows, I will also begin falling into lethargy and begin getting terrible (migraine) headaches and heating up bodily (I had been having those things happen at night, as well as waking unrested, being unable to return to sleep, etc. recently). I suppose getting air at night made the previously more tolerable yet still problematic daytime lack of fresh air less detrimental, with air at night, the problem became awake time, which only shows it was a problem. The migraine had felt as if the brain stem was parting from the spinal cord in a real way, as if a spike had been being driven from the lower base of the middle back of my neck up toward the top (slightly left) of my forehead. So, I’ve been limiting myself to a two hour warm up after awakening with all windows shut, then turning the furnace down again and opening the windows in the front rooms a crack. I do need a little warmth to get going, get my shower, and just begin my day. Nicely, my windows have mechanical limiters which prevent the windows from being opened more than about 3 inches, for security reasons.
I had the apartment checked for sources, nothing could be found with the furnace or the water heater, nor was any room giving a warning. Still, people had been in earlier to simply check the furnace (fall check-up), and I had the windows open until ten that morning while also having been out of the house a large part of the day until the 3 o’clock check. I am not sure what is going on, and my “fix” is an expensive one (open windows in Iowa winters, even if just a crack and the furnace down), so I am unsure how to proceed. However, this does give pause to my notions of home invasion, if it does not eliminate the possibility (just because I am paranoid does not mean they are not after me *laughs*), as well, I know my computer was hacked, I just do not know if it still is. So, I am going slow with any action or reaction until I can clarify. Like, oh, I do not know… maybe an owl? Yep. What a hoot.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
I am not quite gone, but the door looms.
While looking over my favored blogs one last time while planning to turn things off, I had a notion while viewing a specific one. The blog I was viewing was, in some circles, incendiary. Yeah, poking fun of Islamic Jihad, helping to disable their propaganda, and other fun things (even poking fun at the US left) can be dangerous and can lead to attacks on many levels. So, I thought to write him an email and see how he protects himself, especially considering he has received death threats aimed at himself and his family.
Sadly, I think he believes I am a nut. Well, that is probably true. But while that is true, it is not singular. In other words, just because I am crazy, it does not mean I am necessarily wrong. Crazy is a bit harsh, if true, so we will just say I can be a little too anxious at times. Even if I am paid full fee for those services, I can only take half credit (humble to the end? I try.). So, I think he is going to disbelieve and blow me off. Hard to tell. At least he did write back to ask how sure I am, and what proof I have. I did not send all the evidence (two other emails, but I cannot read anything on them and am a little afraid to send them on) written to and from people I do not know using one of my email accounts. I did send what appears to be a picture, in jpeg(I think) format. A picture I did not send, a picture I cannot see, sent to some address I do not know, returned and email visible only because the email address it was sent to no longer existed. Oh, and it seemed to be mailed by a mail service (gmail, though through my email provider) I do not have. Oh well.
So, I have until next Monday before my decision is enacted. He might come through, though it sounds like he is not really security minded or at least believes being hacked is so rare as to be a unicorn in my case. The only things I can quit are this blog and one actual account with a business. The rest, I guess, will continue in perpetuity. Which, honestly, rankles my irritation to no end. As the old saying goes, once you join, you can never leave. Watch what you join, I guess.
Sadly, I think he believes I am a nut. Well, that is probably true. But while that is true, it is not singular. In other words, just because I am crazy, it does not mean I am necessarily wrong. Crazy is a bit harsh, if true, so we will just say I can be a little too anxious at times. Even if I am paid full fee for those services, I can only take half credit (humble to the end? I try.). So, I think he is going to disbelieve and blow me off. Hard to tell. At least he did write back to ask how sure I am, and what proof I have. I did not send all the evidence (two other emails, but I cannot read anything on them and am a little afraid to send them on) written to and from people I do not know using one of my email accounts. I did send what appears to be a picture, in jpeg(I think) format. A picture I did not send, a picture I cannot see, sent to some address I do not know, returned and email visible only because the email address it was sent to no longer existed. Oh, and it seemed to be mailed by a mail service (gmail, though through my email provider) I do not have. Oh well.
So, I have until next Monday before my decision is enacted. He might come through, though it sounds like he is not really security minded or at least believes being hacked is so rare as to be a unicorn in my case. The only things I can quit are this blog and one actual account with a business. The rest, I guess, will continue in perpetuity. Which, honestly, rankles my irritation to no end. As the old saying goes, once you join, you can never leave. Watch what you join, I guess.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
I will be shutting down.
I have a few days to a week online before ending this. I will end this last. I am trying to find what I am connected to online and end each of those connections. Some forums do not even have a means of ending the connection, others might take a phone call as well as online activity. Every security system I have tried has failed. I consider this a combined failure of Microsoft, ISP servers, and third party software providers. It almost seems as if they want us to feel secure without being secure. Making it look good, like a beautiful car with a big engine and with really poor braking.
I checked into Linux and routers. Beside the expense, the fact is these are really little more safe than Microsoft’s OS against a dedicated knowledgeable hacker. Now, I could spend the next two years of my life and some small fortune gaining the knowledge and ability to provide (better) security, be aware of my system and know how to “manually” know about and then end unwanted intrusions into my system. However, after evaluating this, I cannot say that my interest in the internet is worth this much hassle or money.
Do you enjoy my readers? Of course I do. Do I enjoy scouting their blogs, news sites, information about purchases, and just having fun on-line? You bet I do. How much is that worth compared to how much I make? How much time would it take to be able to do these things without endangering my identity, financial security, and sanity? Between those two questions lies the simple truth, I cannot afford the internet.
I have wondered why someone would be so hot for my system. My computer is not that powerful anymore. I end my internet connection when not in use (it is cable, so always ready, but without power, it is not always available). I do have strong political and religious beliefs, though, who does not? I have come to the simple conclusion that it simply does not matter why, and the question about security has been answered. Frustrated, perhaps, but I now understand. Thugs rule the internet and the people who could (probably) stop them, do not.
I checked into Linux and routers. Beside the expense, the fact is these are really little more safe than Microsoft’s OS against a dedicated knowledgeable hacker. Now, I could spend the next two years of my life and some small fortune gaining the knowledge and ability to provide (better) security, be aware of my system and know how to “manually” know about and then end unwanted intrusions into my system. However, after evaluating this, I cannot say that my interest in the internet is worth this much hassle or money.
Do you enjoy my readers? Of course I do. Do I enjoy scouting their blogs, news sites, information about purchases, and just having fun on-line? You bet I do. How much is that worth compared to how much I make? How much time would it take to be able to do these things without endangering my identity, financial security, and sanity? Between those two questions lies the simple truth, I cannot afford the internet.
I have wondered why someone would be so hot for my system. My computer is not that powerful anymore. I end my internet connection when not in use (it is cable, so always ready, but without power, it is not always available). I do have strong political and religious beliefs, though, who does not? I have come to the simple conclusion that it simply does not matter why, and the question about security has been answered. Frustrated, perhaps, but I now understand. Thugs rule the internet and the people who could (probably) stop them, do not.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Poetry and Wisdom from the Lost and Found?
Coffee!
I love coffee, and all that the drink entails.
Mood swings to the nearly divine positive
and a tail spin not unrelated to obverse mania,
unitl another cup or, and better, carafe is proffered.
In heaven, I will drink only fresh fine coffee.
Which, like on earth, in heaven, I will share.
Come to my fire, sit in my simple mud hut,
but bring your own cup, I will not be in a mansion.
Given grace, knowledge, and wisdom, true and pure.
Having a body that works and a mind that is unfettered.
I will then be what I am and my servant will be true.
That servant will be me, and that servant will serve you.
Ok, I’ll stop there. I just had to try. I will never ever be a poet. And, I write poetry to prove it. I wonder if that is why atheists do what they do? Oh well, I do not understand anything well, it seems. At least I enjoy what ignorance remains to me and the clueless nature of the innocence I can muster as I proceed forward into what I know to be a harsh reality. Whistling past the graves? No. Embracing the whole nature of it all, with hope if with certainty, sincerely, and in good faith? Perhaps. That is my choice if not my way.
Today, the locks, tomorrow, the world? Well, something of that nature. The new locks have been installed. I have learned another trick or two about home security measures. And, I am using some of my old techniques to ensure security. Do not worry, none of the lethal means are being employed lest an innocent be harmed. The guilty, I do not care. Still, this is supposed to be a civil world to which I returned home. And, by heaven, I will still kill to keep it that way. I said I try to be good guy, not a nice guy.
I am still upset, however. Even after having “cared for” my computer, I find that it is compromised. Whatever is doing this is not showing up in anti-virus and anti-spy-ware software (top of the line, so it is said, and from two different companies), so it is merely better than the detection or using a method that is not in the detection line-up. Government work? Doubtful. First, I have no doubt the government bots are at work, these have been unobtrusive and tasteful. Well, we are at war, think about it. Even G.I. mail has been and probably is monitored. Why would I be so special to be unfettered, as a civilian? Beyond, I hope they are using these methods and leaving political correctness out of doing serious work. I do suspect who and how I am being hacked, I just do not have the means of detecting, tracing back, so, knowing with certainty. Further, I am sure that whatever hardware or software I purchase or install, it will not matter. After looking very closely at the security of routers and Linux, I realize that a determined hacker can and will break my system. Further, I believe the hacking is top grade. Lastly, I believe I am on some hacker’s short list. Privacy is lost to me, and to any who disagree, I do believe. I am really considering going off-line at this point. It is not necessarily about privacy, but personal and financial safety. I will be calling my ISP today, and asking them about this issue. Barring a good response, I may no longer be here, soon. Still, I need to un-register my online existence. I do not wish to have ghost traces for others to use in my absence and in my name. Blogging has been fun, but this type of intrusion is not. How can I tell? When I am doing something on my machine and the key strokes are two or three behind my actual typing, when my mouse is unresponsive for spits and spats, when one of my various email accounts are “busy” when I check e-mail yet my connection is on and crystal through the browser, and when settings on my computer change, changes I did not introduce. Even in Microsoft Word, though I keep setting the thing to not capitalize letters at what it sees as the beginning of sentences, it keeps turning back to that. Lots of evidence, little insight, both equal a surety of insecurity.
Oh, an update on my apology letter. I have received a letter from my former (on her part) friend. She is “discerning” the matter. I can understand that. Perhaps we are poison to each other. Then again, what friend can a rattle snake expect but a pit viper? No, she is not a pit viper and I am not a rattle snake (mostly, ha, I crack me up), only perhaps to each other? We have both dug in deep, but in different directions, for different reasons. We are entrenched, surrounded, out-gunned, against it, and often. Sometimes in some places, it is difficult to know friend from foe, and that is more difficult when we are not even sure we are friend. Call words, passwords, hails, and sing-alongs work only until bullets begin to fly, and we go past exhaustion, pain, hunger, thirst, and home-sickness. Having “treated” our mind to their toxins, everyone becomes the enemy. This, oddly, is why I try to maintain this relationship. Not to prove that this is not true for me, only to try to reach beyond it. To show love to one who may hold a dagger, meant for my jugular, in her off hand. Maybe it is socially and personally suicidal, maybe though, it is purely hopeful, loving, and giving to another who knows my world, if across the sex, mind, and heart aisle. Yes, I did say I try to proceed innocently, even armed with seeming foreknowledge from past realities. Perhaps I deserve what I get, perhaps I created the dilemma, but I can only go from here, the place I am, nyet? I do live in fear and oddly hope, partly for the promise of a beautifully horrific death. I believe it is mine for the living. I do not believe my death will be easy or nice, hopefully though, my death will have meaning, real meaning.
All in all, life is still good. Bothered, lonely, threatened, and against it, I am actually comfortable here. Struggling to learn, fighting to be free and private, but quite happy to have the opportunity. I still see and know love, for others and between others. I still have hope, if doubtful, hope wins easily. I still love puppies and kittens, pretty women well but good women better, fast cars, rock and roll, men as allies and potential brothers-in-arms, and good company (oh, and that dratted pipe, and a snifter of fine scotch, oh, and a few other goodies). As well, I am with God, as I know how. He is with me, when I can know or not, and whether I am being right or not. Even if He is not my Santa, that is not why I worship Him, so that is good too. I am home, with Him, if not a home that is in step with a modern world. All is good, and it is always a good day to die because of it.
Be hale, be kind, be loving. If you do not have that in you, know I lend what of it I own freely, save for the fee of sharing these gifts as you may.
I love coffee, and all that the drink entails.
Mood swings to the nearly divine positive
and a tail spin not unrelated to obverse mania,
unitl another cup or, and better, carafe is proffered.
In heaven, I will drink only fresh fine coffee.
Which, like on earth, in heaven, I will share.
Come to my fire, sit in my simple mud hut,
but bring your own cup, I will not be in a mansion.
Given grace, knowledge, and wisdom, true and pure.
Having a body that works and a mind that is unfettered.
I will then be what I am and my servant will be true.
That servant will be me, and that servant will serve you.
Ok, I’ll stop there. I just had to try. I will never ever be a poet. And, I write poetry to prove it. I wonder if that is why atheists do what they do? Oh well, I do not understand anything well, it seems. At least I enjoy what ignorance remains to me and the clueless nature of the innocence I can muster as I proceed forward into what I know to be a harsh reality. Whistling past the graves? No. Embracing the whole nature of it all, with hope if with certainty, sincerely, and in good faith? Perhaps. That is my choice if not my way.
Today, the locks, tomorrow, the world? Well, something of that nature. The new locks have been installed. I have learned another trick or two about home security measures. And, I am using some of my old techniques to ensure security. Do not worry, none of the lethal means are being employed lest an innocent be harmed. The guilty, I do not care. Still, this is supposed to be a civil world to which I returned home. And, by heaven, I will still kill to keep it that way. I said I try to be good guy, not a nice guy.
I am still upset, however. Even after having “cared for” my computer, I find that it is compromised. Whatever is doing this is not showing up in anti-virus and anti-spy-ware software (top of the line, so it is said, and from two different companies), so it is merely better than the detection or using a method that is not in the detection line-up. Government work? Doubtful. First, I have no doubt the government bots are at work, these have been unobtrusive and tasteful. Well, we are at war, think about it. Even G.I. mail has been and probably is monitored. Why would I be so special to be unfettered, as a civilian? Beyond, I hope they are using these methods and leaving political correctness out of doing serious work. I do suspect who and how I am being hacked, I just do not have the means of detecting, tracing back, so, knowing with certainty. Further, I am sure that whatever hardware or software I purchase or install, it will not matter. After looking very closely at the security of routers and Linux, I realize that a determined hacker can and will break my system. Further, I believe the hacking is top grade. Lastly, I believe I am on some hacker’s short list. Privacy is lost to me, and to any who disagree, I do believe. I am really considering going off-line at this point. It is not necessarily about privacy, but personal and financial safety. I will be calling my ISP today, and asking them about this issue. Barring a good response, I may no longer be here, soon. Still, I need to un-register my online existence. I do not wish to have ghost traces for others to use in my absence and in my name. Blogging has been fun, but this type of intrusion is not. How can I tell? When I am doing something on my machine and the key strokes are two or three behind my actual typing, when my mouse is unresponsive for spits and spats, when one of my various email accounts are “busy” when I check e-mail yet my connection is on and crystal through the browser, and when settings on my computer change, changes I did not introduce. Even in Microsoft Word, though I keep setting the thing to not capitalize letters at what it sees as the beginning of sentences, it keeps turning back to that. Lots of evidence, little insight, both equal a surety of insecurity.
Oh, an update on my apology letter. I have received a letter from my former (on her part) friend. She is “discerning” the matter. I can understand that. Perhaps we are poison to each other. Then again, what friend can a rattle snake expect but a pit viper? No, she is not a pit viper and I am not a rattle snake (mostly, ha, I crack me up), only perhaps to each other? We have both dug in deep, but in different directions, for different reasons. We are entrenched, surrounded, out-gunned, against it, and often. Sometimes in some places, it is difficult to know friend from foe, and that is more difficult when we are not even sure we are friend. Call words, passwords, hails, and sing-alongs work only until bullets begin to fly, and we go past exhaustion, pain, hunger, thirst, and home-sickness. Having “treated” our mind to their toxins, everyone becomes the enemy. This, oddly, is why I try to maintain this relationship. Not to prove that this is not true for me, only to try to reach beyond it. To show love to one who may hold a dagger, meant for my jugular, in her off hand. Maybe it is socially and personally suicidal, maybe though, it is purely hopeful, loving, and giving to another who knows my world, if across the sex, mind, and heart aisle. Yes, I did say I try to proceed innocently, even armed with seeming foreknowledge from past realities. Perhaps I deserve what I get, perhaps I created the dilemma, but I can only go from here, the place I am, nyet? I do live in fear and oddly hope, partly for the promise of a beautifully horrific death. I believe it is mine for the living. I do not believe my death will be easy or nice, hopefully though, my death will have meaning, real meaning.
All in all, life is still good. Bothered, lonely, threatened, and against it, I am actually comfortable here. Struggling to learn, fighting to be free and private, but quite happy to have the opportunity. I still see and know love, for others and between others. I still have hope, if doubtful, hope wins easily. I still love puppies and kittens, pretty women well but good women better, fast cars, rock and roll, men as allies and potential brothers-in-arms, and good company (oh, and that dratted pipe, and a snifter of fine scotch, oh, and a few other goodies). As well, I am with God, as I know how. He is with me, when I can know or not, and whether I am being right or not. Even if He is not my Santa, that is not why I worship Him, so that is good too. I am home, with Him, if not a home that is in step with a modern world. All is good, and it is always a good day to die because of it.
Be hale, be kind, be loving. If you do not have that in you, know I lend what of it I own freely, save for the fee of sharing these gifts as you may.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
The Debate
I am not understanding some things, so I began having a ‘thought discussion’ with one who disagrees with certain ideas and beliefs I hold deeply. This other is a friend, I believe, though certainly from my point of view. I decided to blog the thing, both to get it straight in my mind and to put it forth for review. Some of this discussion is based upon real discussions, other parts are fictional.
When discussing morality, my friend indicated he believes in morality. So, I asked for a definition of morality. Well, he thought and then said, it is doing good, or the right thing. Ok, but that does not really codify the topic. Is there a set of principles by which you base this goodness or righteousness on, or is it merely what you perceive at any given moment? Well, it seems, one just knows these things, he suggests. So, is it your parents who give these data to you, or the world at large, your peers, and with confliction of notion, how do you decide which data is true. The conversation ended without any clarification, merely a restatement that one not only should but must do the right thing.
I saw no reason to further examine the definition of goodness, so I moved to the source of goodness, or the source of the knowledge of rightness. I posited that, without a unique source of knowledge and certainty about what is good and right, this knowledge really is based on individual perceptions (which are flawed and malleable, go watch a magician then imagine how much “magic” is happening outside of said shows) and upon one’s own self interest (which is worse than even perception). Courts could not do their work, laws could not be upheld, and teachers could not teach without some clearly defined moral goals, processes, and means of enactment (as can clearly be seen in our modern world, though that is another topic) if everything was based purely upon perception and self interest. If I robbed a bank and took $30,000 dollars in the process, was caught, brought in, and tried, I could easily say that the bank itself lost no money, it was other people’s money and insured at that. The other people, all told, lost only a fraction of my gain. Further, the insurance covering the bank lost no money as it makes more in profits than losses (otherwise it would be bankrupt and replaced). Therefore, the greater good of the one, my gain, outweighs the very minor if existent losses of the many. I would have to be set free, the stolen money returned (with interest, I would not be a charitable bank robber, business is business), and I would expect an apology in the mail. Right?
I might suggest, as he is a programmer, that he understand that a library is not only a good way to go, but in many cases, it is the only way to go. If one is writing a complex program with which to control a device, one is not ever given the money, time, and man-labor to create some of the more complex mathematical process subroutines which might be required. Beyond, they have already been created, often it is hoped, by truly competent mathematicians dedicated to the area within the art which is required for the system. Why, if such is being done for simple appliances, would this library concept not be done for something vastly more complex, that is, life? And this would be true, regardless if their was a God or not, it would be presumed.
My point is, if he really does believe in doing the right thing, he must have a source of correctness that is not habited within him, or within any collective group of people, or anything else which is changeable, variable, flawed, or losable. It must be from a source outside of that. Barring God, all other things we know fail to sustain any such permanency. Further, from the few things he did indicate were good, I suggested that these were Christian based, some dating to the Jewish faith. I asked why he and his non-believing cohorts had not arrived at their own principles of good and evil, written a book, and developed a following based on even simple principles (say, Confucianism) which lasted any significant time or where sustainable in all environments.
I suggested that every attempt to create such a system failed, to be remanded to history, and every attempt at legalizing morality (with or without well meaning or poorly proposed invocations of God) failed, and miserably. The more stringently enforced, such as communism, socialism, feminism, Islam, Calvinism (the first police state, Protestantism meets (creates?) socialism perhaps), and others all failed or are about to fail, yet have left un-Godly amounts of pain, social chaos, torture, murder, and mass murder in their wake. Some have been so atrocious that they are being unwritten as we speak (try to find pictures of the U.S.S.R.’s horrors on the web, look up Stalin in many dictionaries… a state leader of the former U.S.S.R.).
I did have another thought. He doubts God because of tests and trials, evil in the world, and the darkness that comes for him at times. I sense this, see it clearly, and know it myself. I would suggest this, though. As we entertain a difficult and arduous education, are we not paying very good money to be very sorely tested? Are we not groveling before books and writing on reams of paper in the hopes of a simple understanding and functional use? Could we possibly be doing this merely for money? No, we are doing what we can, probably should, and to be right with a world. We are gaining mastery to become new scientific artists based on a truth that if you can, you might have a moral obligation to do so. If we do this for the material world, why would we expect less from an extra-worldly teacher, especially our immortal Father? Perhaps I cannot always see why I should know the pains, doubts, troubles, and toils I know, but my faith that my Father has a reason for this, and my loving faith in my “brother” cum Savior to save me in spite of myself never fails. If I must cry to him at times, whether at times I fear Father so speak to “Brother”, or am angry at “Brother” so seek the Spirit, this does not diminish the full truth. And, yes, I am tested most sorely, I am beset, I cannot trust many who I give honest trust, yet I can trust that being my best is worthy if only to God.
I do not worry for him, or his. I do hope he finds his way home. It is cold out there. It is alone. It is evil, and often. Even in the fold, our hands, eyes, and perception may deceive us should we fall to sloth, lust, greed, or the others. Yet within the fold, it is easier and quicker to sense error and correct it. And to know we can only correct our own erroneous ways. I hope all find a home, or at least the capacity for good, love in it’s purer form, and perhaps see rightness as it is, not as the candy stores of Ought to Be.
Be well.
When discussing morality, my friend indicated he believes in morality. So, I asked for a definition of morality. Well, he thought and then said, it is doing good, or the right thing. Ok, but that does not really codify the topic. Is there a set of principles by which you base this goodness or righteousness on, or is it merely what you perceive at any given moment? Well, it seems, one just knows these things, he suggests. So, is it your parents who give these data to you, or the world at large, your peers, and with confliction of notion, how do you decide which data is true. The conversation ended without any clarification, merely a restatement that one not only should but must do the right thing.
I saw no reason to further examine the definition of goodness, so I moved to the source of goodness, or the source of the knowledge of rightness. I posited that, without a unique source of knowledge and certainty about what is good and right, this knowledge really is based on individual perceptions (which are flawed and malleable, go watch a magician then imagine how much “magic” is happening outside of said shows) and upon one’s own self interest (which is worse than even perception). Courts could not do their work, laws could not be upheld, and teachers could not teach without some clearly defined moral goals, processes, and means of enactment (as can clearly be seen in our modern world, though that is another topic) if everything was based purely upon perception and self interest. If I robbed a bank and took $30,000 dollars in the process, was caught, brought in, and tried, I could easily say that the bank itself lost no money, it was other people’s money and insured at that. The other people, all told, lost only a fraction of my gain. Further, the insurance covering the bank lost no money as it makes more in profits than losses (otherwise it would be bankrupt and replaced). Therefore, the greater good of the one, my gain, outweighs the very minor if existent losses of the many. I would have to be set free, the stolen money returned (with interest, I would not be a charitable bank robber, business is business), and I would expect an apology in the mail. Right?
I might suggest, as he is a programmer, that he understand that a library is not only a good way to go, but in many cases, it is the only way to go. If one is writing a complex program with which to control a device, one is not ever given the money, time, and man-labor to create some of the more complex mathematical process subroutines which might be required. Beyond, they have already been created, often it is hoped, by truly competent mathematicians dedicated to the area within the art which is required for the system. Why, if such is being done for simple appliances, would this library concept not be done for something vastly more complex, that is, life? And this would be true, regardless if their was a God or not, it would be presumed.
My point is, if he really does believe in doing the right thing, he must have a source of correctness that is not habited within him, or within any collective group of people, or anything else which is changeable, variable, flawed, or losable. It must be from a source outside of that. Barring God, all other things we know fail to sustain any such permanency. Further, from the few things he did indicate were good, I suggested that these were Christian based, some dating to the Jewish faith. I asked why he and his non-believing cohorts had not arrived at their own principles of good and evil, written a book, and developed a following based on even simple principles (say, Confucianism) which lasted any significant time or where sustainable in all environments.
I suggested that every attempt to create such a system failed, to be remanded to history, and every attempt at legalizing morality (with or without well meaning or poorly proposed invocations of God) failed, and miserably. The more stringently enforced, such as communism, socialism, feminism, Islam, Calvinism (the first police state, Protestantism meets (creates?) socialism perhaps), and others all failed or are about to fail, yet have left un-Godly amounts of pain, social chaos, torture, murder, and mass murder in their wake. Some have been so atrocious that they are being unwritten as we speak (try to find pictures of the U.S.S.R.’s horrors on the web, look up Stalin in many dictionaries… a state leader of the former U.S.S.R.).
I did have another thought. He doubts God because of tests and trials, evil in the world, and the darkness that comes for him at times. I sense this, see it clearly, and know it myself. I would suggest this, though. As we entertain a difficult and arduous education, are we not paying very good money to be very sorely tested? Are we not groveling before books and writing on reams of paper in the hopes of a simple understanding and functional use? Could we possibly be doing this merely for money? No, we are doing what we can, probably should, and to be right with a world. We are gaining mastery to become new scientific artists based on a truth that if you can, you might have a moral obligation to do so. If we do this for the material world, why would we expect less from an extra-worldly teacher, especially our immortal Father? Perhaps I cannot always see why I should know the pains, doubts, troubles, and toils I know, but my faith that my Father has a reason for this, and my loving faith in my “brother” cum Savior to save me in spite of myself never fails. If I must cry to him at times, whether at times I fear Father so speak to “Brother”, or am angry at “Brother” so seek the Spirit, this does not diminish the full truth. And, yes, I am tested most sorely, I am beset, I cannot trust many who I give honest trust, yet I can trust that being my best is worthy if only to God.
I do not worry for him, or his. I do hope he finds his way home. It is cold out there. It is alone. It is evil, and often. Even in the fold, our hands, eyes, and perception may deceive us should we fall to sloth, lust, greed, or the others. Yet within the fold, it is easier and quicker to sense error and correct it. And to know we can only correct our own erroneous ways. I hope all find a home, or at least the capacity for good, love in it’s purer form, and perhaps see rightness as it is, not as the candy stores of Ought to Be.
Be well.
How dare they?
Well, in mho, they nailed this one.
Hmmm, two out of two.
Yes, I know, silly. However, since these have pointed out things I believe to be true, or within my perceptions, I decided to share them. If it is not what you see, perhaps it allows you to see what I see. It should also be said, that though I believe I am a natural leader, I shirk this odious duty. Between seeing what can happen with the best leaders, the visibility to myself of my own foibles, and my perceived personal natural raw power... I decline, save in dire straights, to step up to that plate.
Your Love Type: ENFP |
 The Inspirer In love, you are passionate and eager to develop a strong bond. For you, sex should be playful, creative, and affectionate. Overall, you are perceptive and bring out the best in your partner. However, you tend to hold on to bad relationships after they've turned bad. Best matches: INTJ and INFJ |
Hmmm, two out of two.
You Are An ENTJ |
 The Executive You are a natural leader - with confidence and strength that inspires others. Driven to succeed, you are always looking for ways to gain, power, knowledge, and expertise. Sometimes you aren't the most considerate person, especially to those who are a bit slow. You are not easily intimidated - and you have a commanding, awe-inspiring presence. In love, you hold high standards... for yourself, for your relationship, and for your significant other. While it's easy for you to impress others, it's hard for you to find someone who impresses you. At work, you are organized and good at delegating. You understand how to achieve goals. You would make a great CEO, entrepreneur, or consultant. How you see yourself: Rational, calm, and objective When other people don't get you, they see you as: Inflexible, controlling, and overbearing |
Yes, I know, silly. However, since these have pointed out things I believe to be true, or within my perceptions, I decided to share them. If it is not what you see, perhaps it allows you to see what I see. It should also be said, that though I believe I am a natural leader, I shirk this odious duty. Between seeing what can happen with the best leaders, the visibility to myself of my own foibles, and my perceived personal natural raw power... I decline, save in dire straights, to step up to that plate.
Premonition or mood?
I just had one of the most intense sensations. That which I have spoke of, trouble, seems to be closer at hand than I had anticipated. I sense that the time-table I gave is woefully optimistic. What I sensed was specific, though I will keep that for myself. As well, I do not believe it is the final straw, only the first. As far as how soon, I should just say I hope I have until this summer to clear out. I am more than a little nervous.
That said, I have cleared my mind of it. By writing it, I have set it aside. I am no prophet, I am just awake. Perhaps I am wrong and this is just a mood. The down side is that, until I had this “notion” pass over and through me, I had been in a rather favorable mood. What a waste. And, given human nature, it is probably just the wrong food last night, too much sugar, or caffeine, or whatever. Still, I cannot shake it. I am not even particularly tired or distressed today, until this.
School is going along. I seem unable to focus well, and my quizzes have been getting worse. I need to get this back in the bag, as it where, and focus again. I have a test coming up Monday, and then the final is 16 days after that, I believe. There is not a lot of time and there is a lot of material, such are finals.
I am still considering some of the security measures. I will be getting the new locks installed Friday, the locking gas cap has cut my fuel costs in half, and I am considering applying for a credit card for several things, including a more secure online system and router. This has drained me, and it certainly does not help my concentration. But then, people have to deal with these things from time to time, as a matter of course.
In the briefest of moments,
I saw what will come.
The pain, the grief, the doubt,
like the morning mist,
burn away to a glorious day.
Not all will know,
not all have chosen.
I have been called,
and have approached.
Is that enough?
It arrives,
in time.
It was,
as it was,
as it is.
That said, I have cleared my mind of it. By writing it, I have set it aside. I am no prophet, I am just awake. Perhaps I am wrong and this is just a mood. The down side is that, until I had this “notion” pass over and through me, I had been in a rather favorable mood. What a waste. And, given human nature, it is probably just the wrong food last night, too much sugar, or caffeine, or whatever. Still, I cannot shake it. I am not even particularly tired or distressed today, until this.
School is going along. I seem unable to focus well, and my quizzes have been getting worse. I need to get this back in the bag, as it where, and focus again. I have a test coming up Monday, and then the final is 16 days after that, I believe. There is not a lot of time and there is a lot of material, such are finals.
I am still considering some of the security measures. I will be getting the new locks installed Friday, the locking gas cap has cut my fuel costs in half, and I am considering applying for a credit card for several things, including a more secure online system and router. This has drained me, and it certainly does not help my concentration. But then, people have to deal with these things from time to time, as a matter of course.
In the briefest of moments,
I saw what will come.
The pain, the grief, the doubt,
like the morning mist,
burn away to a glorious day.
Not all will know,
not all have chosen.
I have been called,
and have approached.
Is that enough?
It arrives,
in time.
It was,
as it was,
as it is.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Oh well...
I thought about not putting this up, but... Though the truth hurt, it is better to be known than to live a lie. Though I keep saying, "I'm not a writer.", "I write for me.", etc., I had some hope that I actually could write. Well, I'll have to "write for me" I guess.
Cash Advance Loans
Fallen From Grace…
What is Evil? In the Christian sense, it would most easily be defined as being without God. In Buddhism, it might be described by a dark karma. In Zen, it might be declared as having the taint of worldliness. But in the modern secular world we live in, the majority world in spite of Christian lip service, it is most closely associated with a lack of achievement. If nothing else, this defines one of the secular mortal sins. The attainment of wealth, power, or prestige are the graces of this new order (it is actually quite an ancient system, it just seems new as it rotates in and out of power and favor, dancing in, around, and sometimes amorally with morality based power systems). In this current paradigm, I have fallen from grace. I will never attain, and far from just sinning, I am in a static state of secular sin. I am, in essence, dead to the world, for it’s part.
There are many such as myself, if we are the vast minority. Cripples, of various sorts, that is what I am, of this I thusly write. There are few, however, with my capacity to think, my ability to see well that which is around me, the voice to speak of that which I think and see, and the means (financial support) such that I do not need to beg and live under a bridge, though that is becoming more difficult. Living under a bridge, or in my case, in a forest, is being brought on by an understanding that broken things are not welcome. Further, broken things which do not then bend to secular “truths” have become an abomination in current trends. If I am not strong enough to enact my will yet unwilling to bend, I will be attacked, in many ways, by what is left of society. Fortunately, I remain too strong to kill, outright, too cagey to be tricked or trapped, probably, and not really reachable by their other special case methods.
It would be nice to have a community. A community of the broken. Those who have been rag dolls in the storms of reality. A place for the beaten and torn, abused, misused, traumatized, and shamed. However, I could find that under the bridge. So, it really needs to be more. I guess I am looking for the other gothics. The artistic intelligent aware moral (if confused about morality, a tiny bit) individuals who have become what we are, not as a form of social disregard or counter-culture boutique, but because it is simply who we are. I do not think most of us just decided to go medieval retro, most of us were sensitive individuals who were given no space for that. I have known war and sex since before I was in school, yet this was not my nature, not my inner nature. The memory of having sex with a particular girl when I was six while thinking about infinity pops up in my mind, once in a while. Probably because the thing is so off. My flesh fit well in a brutal carnal world, a world I learned accidentally to transcend. It is coming back together, now. I no longer truly transcend, blind to the beast I inhabit and it’s tedious and potentially psychically torturous-to-me “wet works” de jour. Now it is more like a floaty thing. I am aware, but, mostly, inured and passive. I trust it to do it’s thing rightly and morally, it trusts me to not interfere and to be able to cope (finally, I’m am back at my own “big people’s table”), and life has become easier. Still, having friends who have some comprehension would be a kindness. Having friends who understand just a smidgen my way because of the road they have traveled. People I would not have to fear saying what I what I believe because of their shock or having something be so far out of their range they cannot go there, yet people who would not be against saying something I see or believe is indeed wrong, and discussing, perhaps agreeing to table unresolved, and yet speak again on the topic or others. People who, like me, are really looking at tearing down the lies (our own, the worlds, and the secrets that bind them), finding the real truths, and looking at things in a sophisticated yet childlike manner. A place to start living that gentler life I was by nature designed toward, with the understanding that that nature was terribly interrupted. Yes, there are the brutish hedonists, the occult lost, and the under-the-bridge crowd, but is there not a moral or moral seeking community of the lost? Can there not be one of these? Or, in absolute truth, have I completely fallen from the graces of a completely fallen world?
Hmmm, Doom’s Club for the Secular Damned? Doom’s Upper-Crust Drop-Outs? Doom’s Doomed Forever, and Damned (Mad About It)? Hey, I am not a poet! Nor a writer. I just play one on the internet.
There are many such as myself, if we are the vast minority. Cripples, of various sorts, that is what I am, of this I thusly write. There are few, however, with my capacity to think, my ability to see well that which is around me, the voice to speak of that which I think and see, and the means (financial support) such that I do not need to beg and live under a bridge, though that is becoming more difficult. Living under a bridge, or in my case, in a forest, is being brought on by an understanding that broken things are not welcome. Further, broken things which do not then bend to secular “truths” have become an abomination in current trends. If I am not strong enough to enact my will yet unwilling to bend, I will be attacked, in many ways, by what is left of society. Fortunately, I remain too strong to kill, outright, too cagey to be tricked or trapped, probably, and not really reachable by their other special case methods.
It would be nice to have a community. A community of the broken. Those who have been rag dolls in the storms of reality. A place for the beaten and torn, abused, misused, traumatized, and shamed. However, I could find that under the bridge. So, it really needs to be more. I guess I am looking for the other gothics. The artistic intelligent aware moral (if confused about morality, a tiny bit) individuals who have become what we are, not as a form of social disregard or counter-culture boutique, but because it is simply who we are. I do not think most of us just decided to go medieval retro, most of us were sensitive individuals who were given no space for that. I have known war and sex since before I was in school, yet this was not my nature, not my inner nature. The memory of having sex with a particular girl when I was six while thinking about infinity pops up in my mind, once in a while. Probably because the thing is so off. My flesh fit well in a brutal carnal world, a world I learned accidentally to transcend. It is coming back together, now. I no longer truly transcend, blind to the beast I inhabit and it’s tedious and potentially psychically torturous-to-me “wet works” de jour. Now it is more like a floaty thing. I am aware, but, mostly, inured and passive. I trust it to do it’s thing rightly and morally, it trusts me to not interfere and to be able to cope (finally, I’m am back at my own “big people’s table”), and life has become easier. Still, having friends who have some comprehension would be a kindness. Having friends who understand just a smidgen my way because of the road they have traveled. People I would not have to fear saying what I what I believe because of their shock or having something be so far out of their range they cannot go there, yet people who would not be against saying something I see or believe is indeed wrong, and discussing, perhaps agreeing to table unresolved, and yet speak again on the topic or others. People who, like me, are really looking at tearing down the lies (our own, the worlds, and the secrets that bind them), finding the real truths, and looking at things in a sophisticated yet childlike manner. A place to start living that gentler life I was by nature designed toward, with the understanding that that nature was terribly interrupted. Yes, there are the brutish hedonists, the occult lost, and the under-the-bridge crowd, but is there not a moral or moral seeking community of the lost? Can there not be one of these? Or, in absolute truth, have I completely fallen from the graces of a completely fallen world?
Hmmm, Doom’s Club for the Secular Damned? Doom’s Upper-Crust Drop-Outs? Doom’s Doomed Forever, and Damned (Mad About It)? Hey, I am not a poet! Nor a writer. I just play one on the internet.
Monday, November 12, 2007
A conclusion?
Or two.
I have been considering the world, myself, my place in the world, among men, and how all that works. I have come to two conclusions. The first is that the whole world, the universe, even all other men, to include women and children, and all of the nature of these peoples, animals, places and things were created uniquely for me. Indeed, the universe does revolve about me. Startling, but I believe that to be true. The second conclusion is that, in all of these things I just discussed, I am irrelevant. I am unsure if this irrelevancy is based on the first fact, which makes some odd sense when weighed in totality, more on that later, or if it is a singular and dual truth, created in opposition to the first truth, for it’s own purposes, or for some other unspecified reason. Yet, I stand by both of these statements as fact.
When I say creation was tailored to me, I do not mean that everything is for me. What I do mean is that everything I come in contact with, whether it be the waitress at my favored breakfast stop or some man on the street with whom I share some moment. Even if the woman or the man merely catches my attention as interesting or threatening, one they do not intend, understand, share, or even realize, they are doing exactly as intended and do just what it was they do, knowingly or not and beyond the simple self knowledge they might own about the incident. As well, how I react is rather mechanical, how I choose to act based on that reaction, however, is my own. Will, in the end, I choose to do right when it opposes my simple best interest, will I choose to do what could and would be expected from a natural course of events, or will I choose to take such advantage that I essential “cheat the game”? Oddly, I do believe the “game” will allow me to do each, often with little or no resistance, in truth. I know what I want to do, I know I do not always do it, and I know I cannot count the deeds, good, “neutral”, and bad. I am pretty sure, however, that statistic is a known quantity.
In spite of this, nothing I do or say will change, one iota, that which will be. It is like being in a play where all the roles are divvied, each actor is dressed and readied, each knows their part. Improvisation does exist, seeming accident and illness creates gaps which are filled well or poorly, yet it is built into the system so that no character may radically alter what will happen. No one can take the stage who does not belong. And the show must go on. It is a play, written for me, which I star in, and yet have no ability to truly alter even knowing these things. It may be that the universe being designed for me makes it so that I do not have an affect on it. It might be like a pivot point, everything spins about that, yet the point itself is somehow free from work, motion, or even actual action in spite of being the element about which the event it realizes is based. Or, urhm, something like that. Or perhaps it is simply as if being a star in the play, I am watching a recording of the event, as if before, with full memory. I know when this stumble will occur, yet can do nothing, I know when that dropped line will happen, but nothing I say can change it. Odd, now that I think about, it seems as if I HAVE seen this thing before, though my memory of the play isn’t fresh. It seems I only have a general feel, an indistinct notion of the next bit, an overview. Wish I could remember the stock reports at least! Still, it might just be for other reasons that one has no real power. A prime one is that, even as a child of God, even as a willing servant to God, I yet have none of my inheritance, therefore, no real power. It is written that faith can move mountains, yet what faithful has done so? Without the will of God to carry it, such will not, yet, be done.
This seemingly mutually excluding nature of reality seems impossible, like splitting hairs into an octet of fibers with your pocket knife. And, so it is. I cannot say that one can then split hairs as such, however, I am saying that perception of possibility and actual possibility are not always as they seem. At one time it was considered bio-mechanically impossible for a man to run a 4 minute mile. High school athletes do that, now. Heck, some woman might have done it? It is a troubling set of notions, however. Perhaps like being the king of nowhere, a legitimate king with no land, subjects, or power. And that, I believe, is the truth. Where does it lead, what does it mean, how can that work? I think it is rather simple if one simply “goes long”. Do not look for your kingdom in this time or place any more than you would have looked for your first steak and glass of wine in the womb. Wait, it comes. Oh, maintaining some humility about the thing might also be wise.
I have been considering the world, myself, my place in the world, among men, and how all that works. I have come to two conclusions. The first is that the whole world, the universe, even all other men, to include women and children, and all of the nature of these peoples, animals, places and things were created uniquely for me. Indeed, the universe does revolve about me. Startling, but I believe that to be true. The second conclusion is that, in all of these things I just discussed, I am irrelevant. I am unsure if this irrelevancy is based on the first fact, which makes some odd sense when weighed in totality, more on that later, or if it is a singular and dual truth, created in opposition to the first truth, for it’s own purposes, or for some other unspecified reason. Yet, I stand by both of these statements as fact.
When I say creation was tailored to me, I do not mean that everything is for me. What I do mean is that everything I come in contact with, whether it be the waitress at my favored breakfast stop or some man on the street with whom I share some moment. Even if the woman or the man merely catches my attention as interesting or threatening, one they do not intend, understand, share, or even realize, they are doing exactly as intended and do just what it was they do, knowingly or not and beyond the simple self knowledge they might own about the incident. As well, how I react is rather mechanical, how I choose to act based on that reaction, however, is my own. Will, in the end, I choose to do right when it opposes my simple best interest, will I choose to do what could and would be expected from a natural course of events, or will I choose to take such advantage that I essential “cheat the game”? Oddly, I do believe the “game” will allow me to do each, often with little or no resistance, in truth. I know what I want to do, I know I do not always do it, and I know I cannot count the deeds, good, “neutral”, and bad. I am pretty sure, however, that statistic is a known quantity.
In spite of this, nothing I do or say will change, one iota, that which will be. It is like being in a play where all the roles are divvied, each actor is dressed and readied, each knows their part. Improvisation does exist, seeming accident and illness creates gaps which are filled well or poorly, yet it is built into the system so that no character may radically alter what will happen. No one can take the stage who does not belong. And the show must go on. It is a play, written for me, which I star in, and yet have no ability to truly alter even knowing these things. It may be that the universe being designed for me makes it so that I do not have an affect on it. It might be like a pivot point, everything spins about that, yet the point itself is somehow free from work, motion, or even actual action in spite of being the element about which the event it realizes is based. Or, urhm, something like that. Or perhaps it is simply as if being a star in the play, I am watching a recording of the event, as if before, with full memory. I know when this stumble will occur, yet can do nothing, I know when that dropped line will happen, but nothing I say can change it. Odd, now that I think about, it seems as if I HAVE seen this thing before, though my memory of the play isn’t fresh. It seems I only have a general feel, an indistinct notion of the next bit, an overview. Wish I could remember the stock reports at least! Still, it might just be for other reasons that one has no real power. A prime one is that, even as a child of God, even as a willing servant to God, I yet have none of my inheritance, therefore, no real power. It is written that faith can move mountains, yet what faithful has done so? Without the will of God to carry it, such will not, yet, be done.
This seemingly mutually excluding nature of reality seems impossible, like splitting hairs into an octet of fibers with your pocket knife. And, so it is. I cannot say that one can then split hairs as such, however, I am saying that perception of possibility and actual possibility are not always as they seem. At one time it was considered bio-mechanically impossible for a man to run a 4 minute mile. High school athletes do that, now. Heck, some woman might have done it? It is a troubling set of notions, however. Perhaps like being the king of nowhere, a legitimate king with no land, subjects, or power. And that, I believe, is the truth. Where does it lead, what does it mean, how can that work? I think it is rather simple if one simply “goes long”. Do not look for your kingdom in this time or place any more than you would have looked for your first steak and glass of wine in the womb. Wait, it comes. Oh, maintaining some humility about the thing might also be wise.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Ha, I am not paranoid!
Well, not in this case. What a relief, almost. What am I talking about, you ask? I have been writing about my suspicion that someone has been getting into my house. I have been pointing fingers and chewing on the fat of what I know and sense in order to find with a certainty the truth of these things. I just do not have the money for a camera system and the requisite controller software and connective resources (cords, wireless transmitters, power sources, etc.). However, I have some vindication. My neighbor, one of the initial suspects has not been driving much lately. They used to be gone all the time, the car never home. This was true to such an extent that they had bought another vehicle. Since I put my locking gas cap in, kept all (real) cash on my person, and manually secured my doors while sleeping, not only does their new used car sit, their original newer car hasn’t been out of the driveway. Now, I think they are still getting into my house, but there isn’t much here (my coin container has been slowly emptying. I haven’t been buying groceries, and I’ve been keeping an eye on my better goods. As well, before I leave the house again, I will have new “very difficult to pick” top of the line deadbolts on my doors, while I’ve nailed shut the crawl-space entrance, and ensured other means of entrance are unavailable.
You know, it would almost be better if I had been wrong. Oh, a little egg on the face is good for spiritual hair growth and shine, now and again, anyway. And, though I would have felt bad, it would have been better than having my worst suspicions, once again, proved out. Men (to include women) are mostly not able to pass the dog poop muster… that is, comparing the two, dog poop comes out as better because it only stinks, and only makes you smell bad if you step in it… men are pro-actively bad smelling, in many ways, plus they move around making avoidance a serious issue. I would love to be able to afford a camera system and have him and maybe her, thrown back in prison where they belong, but I just do not have the money. I guess all I can do is secure what I have.
Hey, I have really settled down now that I have this thing worked out. And, though it will not be over with new locks, I am slowly building up a system with which to track “visitors”, and that will give me future peace of mind. I suppose just being more sure and finding things that work, even stop gap, and getting them going, on any serious problem, is just what it takes to put life back into order.
As well, I finally hand delivered the letter I wrote to a friend who got caught up in this. Her ABSOLUTE denial that anything was missing and accusations of paranoia not only angered me, but made her a target of my considerations. Really, I should have known better. I know her, and she is a typical woman in this type of matter. She will deny rather than face a serious risk, probably up until someone is dead. She cannot handle risk assessment or management. And, as I became more sure, having someone undermine my certainty (sanity) only aggravated the paranoia and such. Seeing how these things work has allowed me to understand witch and communist hunts, better. Not that those are wrong, only that they can get out of hand if not carefully managed. As even Monty Python troops might say… “Burn the witch!”… Yeah, ok, anyway. I had to write the letter thrice, that’s two times plus one more, working out what to say which was honest, sincere, fair to me, and fair to her, true, and correct. Yes, quite a bushel basket full, when you think about it. I asked simply for forgiveness for having doubted what I should have known not to doubt (her character). And, I did ask for considerations to be reinstated as a friend, though this will be difficult. We have been friends too long to simply not try. As well, we are each alone, very alone, miserably happily alone together in the near past. Oh, blah. I have done what is right and what I could, so, for this too, I am at ease.
I have just purchased some cold weather gear, primarily several types of long underwear. I am also looking into snow pants (more waterproof, durable, insulated pants, actually), of various types. I really would like to get out and learn to cross country ski this year. I am a little nervous, as the skis I have seen are rated for 220+ and when limits are listed for them, the highest I have seen is 260. I weigh 300 pounds. With a 60 to 80 pound pack, well… What will I need, tank tracks? Being a lesser giant has some advantages, but it certainly has some drawbacks. I think my best bet is to find a rental place and speak with them (seasonal, so not available at the moment). I am quite sure they do not wish to rent skis which I will break. As well, I will be able to try out a number of different skis, bindings, boots if called for, poles, and whatnot. I am not truly interested in doing this for fun or exercise, this is just a functional knowledge for getting around when other means are unavailable. It could be a good hunting tool, camping tool, and of course, simply the best winter means of transport if trees are not too thick, densely populated, or such. It would be neat, on a snowy day in town, to go to the store, pick up my goods, and boogie before the plows finish, maybe before they start.
My mum called today. She seems to be doing well and is happy today. It is always good to hear that. She will be flying out to see my brother’s oldest daughter play a part in the Nutcracker Suite next month. I have purchased her tickets, as her Christmas gift. Or, urhm, will when my check gets there. One thing off my list. I will only have a few other gifts to buy, mostly small though perhaps one large gift is still in the cue, and I will be set for the year. Even if my friend does not accept a new beginning, I intend to buy her a (relatively) inexpensive laptop. I HAVE to add tech support, especially if we are no longer to be friends. *sigh, woman* *hmmm, at least they are pretty* I still have to consider coal and (just cotton) socks, the wool socks are outlandish these days!
Well, I should get going on a bit of study and maybe some housecleaning. My landlord, hopefully, will be by tomorrow. Have a good day, stay sane, stay safe, and I hope you have someone to tell you love. It covers a lot of ground on all those wishes I just sent. It offers a place here, like the place there, if lesser it is in the same vein.
You know, it would almost be better if I had been wrong. Oh, a little egg on the face is good for spiritual hair growth and shine, now and again, anyway. And, though I would have felt bad, it would have been better than having my worst suspicions, once again, proved out. Men (to include women) are mostly not able to pass the dog poop muster… that is, comparing the two, dog poop comes out as better because it only stinks, and only makes you smell bad if you step in it… men are pro-actively bad smelling, in many ways, plus they move around making avoidance a serious issue. I would love to be able to afford a camera system and have him and maybe her, thrown back in prison where they belong, but I just do not have the money. I guess all I can do is secure what I have.
Hey, I have really settled down now that I have this thing worked out. And, though it will not be over with new locks, I am slowly building up a system with which to track “visitors”, and that will give me future peace of mind. I suppose just being more sure and finding things that work, even stop gap, and getting them going, on any serious problem, is just what it takes to put life back into order.
As well, I finally hand delivered the letter I wrote to a friend who got caught up in this. Her ABSOLUTE denial that anything was missing and accusations of paranoia not only angered me, but made her a target of my considerations. Really, I should have known better. I know her, and she is a typical woman in this type of matter. She will deny rather than face a serious risk, probably up until someone is dead. She cannot handle risk assessment or management. And, as I became more sure, having someone undermine my certainty (sanity) only aggravated the paranoia and such. Seeing how these things work has allowed me to understand witch and communist hunts, better. Not that those are wrong, only that they can get out of hand if not carefully managed. As even Monty Python troops might say… “Burn the witch!”… Yeah, ok, anyway. I had to write the letter thrice, that’s two times plus one more, working out what to say which was honest, sincere, fair to me, and fair to her, true, and correct. Yes, quite a bushel basket full, when you think about it. I asked simply for forgiveness for having doubted what I should have known not to doubt (her character). And, I did ask for considerations to be reinstated as a friend, though this will be difficult. We have been friends too long to simply not try. As well, we are each alone, very alone, miserably happily alone together in the near past. Oh, blah. I have done what is right and what I could, so, for this too, I am at ease.
I have just purchased some cold weather gear, primarily several types of long underwear. I am also looking into snow pants (more waterproof, durable, insulated pants, actually), of various types. I really would like to get out and learn to cross country ski this year. I am a little nervous, as the skis I have seen are rated for 220+ and when limits are listed for them, the highest I have seen is 260. I weigh 300 pounds. With a 60 to 80 pound pack, well… What will I need, tank tracks? Being a lesser giant has some advantages, but it certainly has some drawbacks. I think my best bet is to find a rental place and speak with them (seasonal, so not available at the moment). I am quite sure they do not wish to rent skis which I will break. As well, I will be able to try out a number of different skis, bindings, boots if called for, poles, and whatnot. I am not truly interested in doing this for fun or exercise, this is just a functional knowledge for getting around when other means are unavailable. It could be a good hunting tool, camping tool, and of course, simply the best winter means of transport if trees are not too thick, densely populated, or such. It would be neat, on a snowy day in town, to go to the store, pick up my goods, and boogie before the plows finish, maybe before they start.
My mum called today. She seems to be doing well and is happy today. It is always good to hear that. She will be flying out to see my brother’s oldest daughter play a part in the Nutcracker Suite next month. I have purchased her tickets, as her Christmas gift. Or, urhm, will when my check gets there. One thing off my list. I will only have a few other gifts to buy, mostly small though perhaps one large gift is still in the cue, and I will be set for the year. Even if my friend does not accept a new beginning, I intend to buy her a (relatively) inexpensive laptop. I HAVE to add tech support, especially if we are no longer to be friends. *sigh, woman* *hmmm, at least they are pretty* I still have to consider coal and (just cotton) socks, the wool socks are outlandish these days!
Well, I should get going on a bit of study and maybe some housecleaning. My landlord, hopefully, will be by tomorrow. Have a good day, stay sane, stay safe, and I hope you have someone to tell you love. It covers a lot of ground on all those wishes I just sent. It offers a place here, like the place there, if lesser it is in the same vein.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Well, it looks like the poets left. Good call, mostly.
You Are 51% Misanthropic |
 You're somewhat misanthropic, but you're not willing to write off the human race (yet!). There's a few people you like, and even them you like at a distance. |
Hmmm, ok.
You Are Somewhat Machiavellian |
 You're not going to mow over everyone to get ahead... But you're also powerful enough to make things happen for yourself. You understand how the world works, even when it's an ugly place. You just don't get ugly yourself - unless you have to! |
Not a lie, a damn lie, sort of.
Huh? I said, science, yes, science, yes, science, yes, poetry, huh? So what does it spit out? Ah, poets are everywhere. Gehen Sie ya auf dem Weg! (urhm, or get thee behind me, Satan?) Thanks for getting me into this fine predicament, Heidi. Girls!
As well, I am not creative with words nor do I expand my vocabulary. I make up a good 70% of my linguistic "art". Fools.
Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence |
 You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well. An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly. You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view. A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary. You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator. |
As well, I am not creative with words nor do I expand my vocabulary. I make up a good 70% of my linguistic "art". Fools.
Friday, November 9, 2007
Fixing and humming.
Ok, perhaps I am not really humming along again, yet. It is in the works. For now I am content in having taken the first preliminary steps at securing my world. Some things regarding the computer have been tended, and some things are closer than before. I am trying to figure out how and when to have my new locks installed. I have been dreading that, for certain reasons, yet longing for it. Frozen in indecision, yet thawing to the realities, I will try to have things in place for a Monday install. I am drafting a note to a dear friend who I damaged in my dark place. Her actions and words were not helpful to myself or the relationship, yet did not deserve that which was dished out (even if I then perceived it to be correct). I cannot speak to her wrongs (real or perceived by me), but I can and will speak to my own. Though I cannot really hope to regain that friendship, which perhaps or perhaps not is for the better, I can at least plea for forgiveness as we go our separate ways. I am having a tough time nailing sleep cycles down, caring for the perpetual exhaustion, or even taking proper care of nutrition, or any of that jazz, but I do what I can as I may and I believe it will come around again soon.
It is not perfect, nor will it ever be. It is getting better. I am looking for and finding little bits of hope. Hope from and in other people, hope in the world, and hope in myself. Little signs that the world has a touch of grace which cannot be undone, love which will not end, and things, places, and people who do appreciate goodness, the wholesome, the right, and the true, even if, and quite often, not in just the manner in which I understand these notions. Yes, a certain amount of personal “gold” does equal (if a larger amount necessary) a certain amount of personal silver. A spiritual diamond has a similar valuation to a particular assessment of spiritual property (location, location, location!). So, there is a wealth of the finite, a richness of human nature, and a fortune in religious devotedness out there. I can see the shine of these, even if the truly mundane wine, gold, and beauty have lost their sweet, lustrous, fascinating hold on me at even a reasonable and righteous level.
I have been watching politics. There is no one I could recommend out there, none of the front runners or favored dark horses for certain. As I have said, what I see is Democratic politicians, all. Clintons in drag, or not so much. Yet, I have not vested my hopes in man, so politics has become quite a bore. Even allowing for minor skepticisms, what hope does man really have in men? If that is all there is, then surely we are doomed. Thankfully, my vote is in God. Think about it, after a long history of worship in which he did everything from walk with and talk with, to command, demand, and destroy, he still had to send down His Son, and He had to die, because we could not and would not “get it”. Just imagine, and then you might understand why politics is folly. Still, politics is like a sport. In that vein, it is fun to watch, should one have the capacity for pleasurable pursuits.
Be well, be kind, love, and forgive. But, leave me alone! (for a little while, please?) :p
It is not perfect, nor will it ever be. It is getting better. I am looking for and finding little bits of hope. Hope from and in other people, hope in the world, and hope in myself. Little signs that the world has a touch of grace which cannot be undone, love which will not end, and things, places, and people who do appreciate goodness, the wholesome, the right, and the true, even if, and quite often, not in just the manner in which I understand these notions. Yes, a certain amount of personal “gold” does equal (if a larger amount necessary) a certain amount of personal silver. A spiritual diamond has a similar valuation to a particular assessment of spiritual property (location, location, location!). So, there is a wealth of the finite, a richness of human nature, and a fortune in religious devotedness out there. I can see the shine of these, even if the truly mundane wine, gold, and beauty have lost their sweet, lustrous, fascinating hold on me at even a reasonable and righteous level.
I have been watching politics. There is no one I could recommend out there, none of the front runners or favored dark horses for certain. As I have said, what I see is Democratic politicians, all. Clintons in drag, or not so much. Yet, I have not vested my hopes in man, so politics has become quite a bore. Even allowing for minor skepticisms, what hope does man really have in men? If that is all there is, then surely we are doomed. Thankfully, my vote is in God. Think about it, after a long history of worship in which he did everything from walk with and talk with, to command, demand, and destroy, he still had to send down His Son, and He had to die, because we could not and would not “get it”. Just imagine, and then you might understand why politics is folly. Still, politics is like a sport. In that vein, it is fun to watch, should one have the capacity for pleasurable pursuits.
Be well, be kind, love, and forgive. But, leave me alone! (for a little while, please?) :p
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Life as it stands.
First, thank you, dear readers, for being there in my moments of doubt. I apologize for not having posted your comments. I must have read the email postings and just thought I had posted them, mistakenly through my exhaustion and fugue. Your words and advice are welcome. Your care and concern is appreciated. And your nature allows the small light of faith in man I yet retain to stay lit, grow a bit, and be warming, hopefully to one day be more fully shared than what I am able on this day to do. Thank you.
I still have not completed a few safety details. In honesty, I am not sure they will work and they are expensive. I feel aggravated and agitated, unable to sleep I am becoming less able to function. I will have to find some relief, somehow, yet cannot seem to trust what to do or who to trust. It is not so much a fear of the loss of goods or even death. Beside being insured, material goods really are not my main focus. And death, as has been noted here previously, is not something which would even hurt my feelings so long as I tried to survive (though, if someone “kills” me, I hope they do it right this time and lop off my head for surety, I do not want to come back again). Some of the few things I have and that I truly enjoy might be missed, but not so much as for the loss to be even cried about (whining would be ok). It is the sense of loss of security in a general manner, of potential pain , and perhaps a fear of having to kill someone. I do not mind killing, yet I know there are costs associated with it, costs to include a set of bones rattling in a closet full of ghosts (from many and varied sources) already keeping me awake some nights, or hiding even inside my sleep. As well, my general ability to trust anyone or anything or any system has declined. All added, I am in a miserable state and am possibly unable to fix it without intervention. Yes, being a psychic gimp has some serious downsides.
On the up side, I still enjoy those with whom I come into contact, as I may. I still enjoy the school work, if paranoia has lessened my ability to trust even my professor, his testing methods, and his intentions (a professor could easily see my strengths and weakness and test against these, score more harshly (if ever so slightly), and dump even the (not that I am, but) most intelligent, hard working, ethical student in his class if he or the system he is a part of, decide to do so). I think I will enjoy learning about the router, setting it up, and then living in some safety this way. I might also enjoy (though not the expense of obtaining) a software security suite which really works, setting it up, and the security of having it working.
Beyond, and just for kicks, I will probably buy another computer game. I have heard Halo 3 is too linear, X-box lackadaisical (intellectual challenge is 3rd grade), and typical, so I am not sure where to go for entertainment. I just finished Tomb Raider: Anniversary, and the time trials within the game, so it is time to seek a new challenge. It was a decent game, if keyboarding was a bit (very) tricky and required changing the controls from one type of activity to another (then remember if the change had been made before leaping to the safety of... urhm, falling to my death, arghhh). Though it was rather linear, following Laura is one of those little joys, being the man and boy I am. Quality wasted time is always rewarding, or some such nonsense.
Oh, I have been in many debates regarding marriage, family life in America, and other related topics recently. One of my critiques is the disinterest of American women in having babies. Should you wish to be a father, and your wife be a typical ‘American Woman’, I have done the homework and have a solution. My guess is this would be quite cheap and very sure, legally (compared to, you guessed it, American women). There is a place where you can find out more, here.
I am surely planning on leaving in August. There is nothing in Sodom and Gomorrah which binds me, I am not welcome, and I do not fit. Beyond, the education system seems more of a purification of Sodomite and Gomorrahan “ethics” than an escape from them. Christians are recommended to be quiet about their views, as are patriots, real (constitutionally enumerated) rights activists, and sound (fiscally conservative) proponents. This, of course, means any moral coding from those sources must be not only silenced, but set aside. As one who cannot and will not do so, I am alone in a sea of evil intent. What is said, done, and seen in Sodom, stays in Sodom, or so the banner reads. Thankfully, I do not abide by Swahili. I do not believe I will reveal where I am going, and it is not where I had anticipated. As well, I may end my blog. I am unsure about the last. If I can not be extremely secure in whatever method of access to the internet available to me, I will no longer participate.
All in all, it is not bad. I still do trust God. I do trust some men. And I know, however this whole ball of wax called human existence goes and then ends, there can be only one. Only one winner that is. This, aside from all the chaos, illusion, and cacophonic whispering to the otherwise, has never been in doubt. Neither this fact nor Who will win have ever been a doubt that is more than just a hope for the damned, a lament in moments of weakness for the faithful, and a cause for the dark periods of man’s history here on earth. Time will not tell, I will, however, repeat, simply what is: God will win. As well, I am not just a cheerleader, if I may also not be a regular attendant. I attend where I am, as I may, how I know I should, and I know solace in this if regret at being too broken to fully, or more fully, participate in respecting His day in the company of others. I only hope that I may please He Who is forever mature, my Father, Brother, and the Spirit.
I still have not completed a few safety details. In honesty, I am not sure they will work and they are expensive. I feel aggravated and agitated, unable to sleep I am becoming less able to function. I will have to find some relief, somehow, yet cannot seem to trust what to do or who to trust. It is not so much a fear of the loss of goods or even death. Beside being insured, material goods really are not my main focus. And death, as has been noted here previously, is not something which would even hurt my feelings so long as I tried to survive (though, if someone “kills” me, I hope they do it right this time and lop off my head for surety, I do not want to come back again). Some of the few things I have and that I truly enjoy might be missed, but not so much as for the loss to be even cried about (whining would be ok). It is the sense of loss of security in a general manner, of potential pain , and perhaps a fear of having to kill someone. I do not mind killing, yet I know there are costs associated with it, costs to include a set of bones rattling in a closet full of ghosts (from many and varied sources) already keeping me awake some nights, or hiding even inside my sleep. As well, my general ability to trust anyone or anything or any system has declined. All added, I am in a miserable state and am possibly unable to fix it without intervention. Yes, being a psychic gimp has some serious downsides.
On the up side, I still enjoy those with whom I come into contact, as I may. I still enjoy the school work, if paranoia has lessened my ability to trust even my professor, his testing methods, and his intentions (a professor could easily see my strengths and weakness and test against these, score more harshly (if ever so slightly), and dump even the (not that I am, but) most intelligent, hard working, ethical student in his class if he or the system he is a part of, decide to do so). I think I will enjoy learning about the router, setting it up, and then living in some safety this way. I might also enjoy (though not the expense of obtaining) a software security suite which really works, setting it up, and the security of having it working.
Beyond, and just for kicks, I will probably buy another computer game. I have heard Halo 3 is too linear, X-box lackadaisical (intellectual challenge is 3rd grade), and typical, so I am not sure where to go for entertainment. I just finished Tomb Raider: Anniversary, and the time trials within the game, so it is time to seek a new challenge. It was a decent game, if keyboarding was a bit (very) tricky and required changing the controls from one type of activity to another (then remember if the change had been made before leaping to the safety of... urhm, falling to my death, arghhh). Though it was rather linear, following Laura is one of those little joys, being the man and boy I am. Quality wasted time is always rewarding, or some such nonsense.
Oh, I have been in many debates regarding marriage, family life in America, and other related topics recently. One of my critiques is the disinterest of American women in having babies. Should you wish to be a father, and your wife be a typical ‘American Woman’, I have done the homework and have a solution. My guess is this would be quite cheap and very sure, legally (compared to, you guessed it, American women). There is a place where you can find out more, here.
I am surely planning on leaving in August. There is nothing in Sodom and Gomorrah which binds me, I am not welcome, and I do not fit. Beyond, the education system seems more of a purification of Sodomite and Gomorrahan “ethics” than an escape from them. Christians are recommended to be quiet about their views, as are patriots, real (constitutionally enumerated) rights activists, and sound (fiscally conservative) proponents. This, of course, means any moral coding from those sources must be not only silenced, but set aside. As one who cannot and will not do so, I am alone in a sea of evil intent. What is said, done, and seen in Sodom, stays in Sodom, or so the banner reads. Thankfully, I do not abide by Swahili. I do not believe I will reveal where I am going, and it is not where I had anticipated. As well, I may end my blog. I am unsure about the last. If I can not be extremely secure in whatever method of access to the internet available to me, I will no longer participate.
All in all, it is not bad. I still do trust God. I do trust some men. And I know, however this whole ball of wax called human existence goes and then ends, there can be only one. Only one winner that is. This, aside from all the chaos, illusion, and cacophonic whispering to the otherwise, has never been in doubt. Neither this fact nor Who will win have ever been a doubt that is more than just a hope for the damned, a lament in moments of weakness for the faithful, and a cause for the dark periods of man’s history here on earth. Time will not tell, I will, however, repeat, simply what is: God will win. As well, I am not just a cheerleader, if I may also not be a regular attendant. I attend where I am, as I may, how I know I should, and I know solace in this if regret at being too broken to fully, or more fully, participate in respecting His day in the company of others. I only hope that I may please He Who is forever mature, my Father, Brother, and the Spirit.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Internet Security
I have been doing my homework. First thing, there are no silver bullets, there is no totally safe environment in which to interact with the internet. Jackers, hackers, jokers, and fools rule those waves. However, there is more secure and less secure. Hardware wise, one of the better tools with which to enhance security is a device called a router. Wired routers are more secure, having both a software and hardwired firewall and no external method which could be used to suppress or hack the security easily. It is not 100%, it is only a more secure than most method of internet usage. The next most secure tool is the wireless router. This is not as secure because anyone with a computer containing a wireless access device can, over time, hack into this. They do, however, need to be relatively close and have lots of time. There are several pluses and minuses for each type of router. Just make sure you inquire about which system the router uses, one is quite weak, the other is a great deal better.
The next thing to be examined is software. With the majority of systems working with Windows in it’s many varietals, hackers target this OS far more than other systems. As well, code is written for Microsoft’s e-mail software, browser, and all other of it’s internet tools. Beyond, Microsoft is so viciously proprietary that third party security is not able to maintain real security, third party programmers do not really know what they are working with. Microsoft, itself, not being a security specialist, does a poor job of enabling it’s own security systems within reasonable specs. If one were into conspiracy theories, one might just suspect Microsoft is using this specifically for it’s own power and money grab. It seems to have eaten even a multi-state state’s attorney general lawsuit like popcorn. I await the final analysis of the final turf battle in Europe. It’s more difficult to blackmail, bribe, or coerce 15,000 middle and upper level bureaucrats than it is to do the same to a few attorney generals (or their handlers, more likely). Of course, I would never believe such a thing about such a wonderful and liberal company. No sir-e Bob.
Anyway, the software section boils down to a change in OS (operating system), which might also mean a change in hardware. Most people have older machines, so that might not be necessary. Linux, since it is non-proprietary (mostly, and free-ware that is), does not always support the newest, fastest, and best computing hardware or peripherals. The community eventually codes for it, but the lag can be significant (or it might not ever happen, should protocols pertaining to the computer device change in the usual wait period (think cassette tape to cd). Linux is not only more secure, it is also less frequently hacked for a dozen (seemingly) reasons. From the complexity to the rarity of use, Linux is safer.
So, if you want to secure your internet use (and privacy, credit cards, etc.), then at a minimum, a router is for you. This costs, as I said, about $40 at a Best Buy or other such store near you. Installation, if you are not a do-it-yourselfer, costs in the neighborhood of $50-$80 (with inflation, that’s like, what, 20 pesos? Oh, do not cry, I did not mean it). Second, if you have some money (I’m thinking $400-$600 straight out or as little as, maybe, $25 a month for forever), a little energy, the time to learn, and like to learn, then perhaps you should consider a Linux machine as well.
As for me, I am getting a router Tuesday (probably going to install myself). As well, I will be buying a Linux machine soon. It is difficult to find a manufacturer which offers this out of the box (a Linux pre-installed or OS free laptop), but I will be twisting arms over the phone and storming offices and mall outlets soon. I certainly will not be paying for the failed and fragile Microwimp system that has so obviously, frequently, and terribly failed me in the past. Either I get a machine with NO OS or with Linux, period.
Now, to get some cameras in my home, a change of locks, and a few other things (like a means of recording long term intervals of decent quality video from several cameras) going. It's a pain, and becoming expensive, but it is one time and should take care of my peace of mind, if nothing else. I cannot function well if I do not feel safe, or at least on top of insecurities such as these. Be well.
The next thing to be examined is software. With the majority of systems working with Windows in it’s many varietals, hackers target this OS far more than other systems. As well, code is written for Microsoft’s e-mail software, browser, and all other of it’s internet tools. Beyond, Microsoft is so viciously proprietary that third party security is not able to maintain real security, third party programmers do not really know what they are working with. Microsoft, itself, not being a security specialist, does a poor job of enabling it’s own security systems within reasonable specs. If one were into conspiracy theories, one might just suspect Microsoft is using this specifically for it’s own power and money grab. It seems to have eaten even a multi-state state’s attorney general lawsuit like popcorn. I await the final analysis of the final turf battle in Europe. It’s more difficult to blackmail, bribe, or coerce 15,000 middle and upper level bureaucrats than it is to do the same to a few attorney generals (or their handlers, more likely). Of course, I would never believe such a thing about such a wonderful and liberal company. No sir-e Bob.
Anyway, the software section boils down to a change in OS (operating system), which might also mean a change in hardware. Most people have older machines, so that might not be necessary. Linux, since it is non-proprietary (mostly, and free-ware that is), does not always support the newest, fastest, and best computing hardware or peripherals. The community eventually codes for it, but the lag can be significant (or it might not ever happen, should protocols pertaining to the computer device change in the usual wait period (think cassette tape to cd). Linux is not only more secure, it is also less frequently hacked for a dozen (seemingly) reasons. From the complexity to the rarity of use, Linux is safer.
So, if you want to secure your internet use (and privacy, credit cards, etc.), then at a minimum, a router is for you. This costs, as I said, about $40 at a Best Buy or other such store near you. Installation, if you are not a do-it-yourselfer, costs in the neighborhood of $50-$80 (with inflation, that’s like, what, 20 pesos? Oh, do not cry, I did not mean it). Second, if you have some money (I’m thinking $400-$600 straight out or as little as, maybe, $25 a month for forever), a little energy, the time to learn, and like to learn, then perhaps you should consider a Linux machine as well.
As for me, I am getting a router Tuesday (probably going to install myself). As well, I will be buying a Linux machine soon. It is difficult to find a manufacturer which offers this out of the box (a Linux pre-installed or OS free laptop), but I will be twisting arms over the phone and storming offices and mall outlets soon. I certainly will not be paying for the failed and fragile Microwimp system that has so obviously, frequently, and terribly failed me in the past. Either I get a machine with NO OS or with Linux, period.
Now, to get some cameras in my home, a change of locks, and a few other things (like a means of recording long term intervals of decent quality video from several cameras) going. It's a pain, and becoming expensive, but it is one time and should take care of my peace of mind, if nothing else. I cannot function well if I do not feel safe, or at least on top of insecurities such as these. Be well.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Time.
At one point in my life there was not enough time. I wished for extra hours in the day and days in the week to do all the things available to do. I wanted to talk to this peer or that senior, I wished to learn chess and play basketball, I wanted to take long walks or bike rides to nowhere and back. There were so many things I did not know, so much of what I knew, I did not understand. Time existed, yet slipped through my fingers like the coin of a drunkard at the pub. And yet time remains. Though I understand more than I even then knew, and know more than I thought possible, some significant portion of which I wish I had never learned. I have years, decades even, left to me.
In these years, though, it is not time which I desire. I am rich with time, if my use of it is limited by my incapacity, it is still there like few men will ever know. It is filled with nothing, now, however. My wishes remain as well, yet I am frozen by things I do not understand and so my will is not my own in attaining my dreams. As well, I am alone. Time is no longer a gift I desire, but a curse, I think, for being weak and stupid, bad, or wrong.
It seems as if every hand is set against me. It makes me wonder if I am Cain. Am I marked for others to see yet I cannot see? My friends are liars, thieves, cheats, and curs, or so it turns out, save few. I seem blind to this, yet am not. I severe these ties when I see the truth, yet the pain of the cut does not only harm them. Perhaps it harms them none at all. I do bleed with each passing of a hope. One would think time would be with me on this, allowing me to scar or callus beyond pain. Here again, time is not on my side.
I do not know where life goes from here. I know I have asked my Father to take this time, to give it to another who so desperately needs it, a young mother dying of breast cancer, a father who only wishes to see his child born, or a person who so loves life, giving, and enjoying all therein. I wish for him to simply release me, to lift this cross. I swear it is far far too heavy. I think, perhaps, he has made a mistake to gift me with this. Yet I remain. Exhausted, hollow, empty, wishing only to serve and love, yet failing, it seems, to make any impression on a vampiric world. Each tear, each fear, each thought, I give these to the Lord, little prayers. Each additional breath an act of contrition, a pain, a torture.
I will go on. It is what has been given me. It is all I can honestly do, at this point. I will not be an engineer. I will not be a musician. I will not be a cleric. I will be a broken man with little dreams which cannot be filled until my centuries are finally through. I wish I could leave you with something, but there is nothing left to give, nothing inside or out that has not been beaten or stolen or lost. Save prayers, many warm, wet, clear, prayers.
In these years, though, it is not time which I desire. I am rich with time, if my use of it is limited by my incapacity, it is still there like few men will ever know. It is filled with nothing, now, however. My wishes remain as well, yet I am frozen by things I do not understand and so my will is not my own in attaining my dreams. As well, I am alone. Time is no longer a gift I desire, but a curse, I think, for being weak and stupid, bad, or wrong.
It seems as if every hand is set against me. It makes me wonder if I am Cain. Am I marked for others to see yet I cannot see? My friends are liars, thieves, cheats, and curs, or so it turns out, save few. I seem blind to this, yet am not. I severe these ties when I see the truth, yet the pain of the cut does not only harm them. Perhaps it harms them none at all. I do bleed with each passing of a hope. One would think time would be with me on this, allowing me to scar or callus beyond pain. Here again, time is not on my side.
I do not know where life goes from here. I know I have asked my Father to take this time, to give it to another who so desperately needs it, a young mother dying of breast cancer, a father who only wishes to see his child born, or a person who so loves life, giving, and enjoying all therein. I wish for him to simply release me, to lift this cross. I swear it is far far too heavy. I think, perhaps, he has made a mistake to gift me with this. Yet I remain. Exhausted, hollow, empty, wishing only to serve and love, yet failing, it seems, to make any impression on a vampiric world. Each tear, each fear, each thought, I give these to the Lord, little prayers. Each additional breath an act of contrition, a pain, a torture.
I will go on. It is what has been given me. It is all I can honestly do, at this point. I will not be an engineer. I will not be a musician. I will not be a cleric. I will be a broken man with little dreams which cannot be filled until my centuries are finally through. I wish I could leave you with something, but there is nothing left to give, nothing inside or out that has not been beaten or stolen or lost. Save prayers, many warm, wet, clear, prayers.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
The Test.
Well, so much for acing a test. I am hoping I passed. Perhaps not that bad, but it was not a slapshot. I did one of the problems when I arrived home, and found that I had made a math error. I found, while speaking with others after the test, that one answer I produced was incorrect. I am hoping I did the easier problems correctly. I just do not have a sense for the truth of that though. I will just have to dig in, with what I have left, and keep on studying. I am still quite tired, lately, but I do not think that played a large part, as it did on the quiz. At least he (our professor) does not take 2 or 3 weeks to grade our tests. I will know how dismal it was Monday most likely.
I had been planning on a visit to my mother’s home after this test. After looking at my finances, I realized I could not go. I keep promising, and putting it off. I am almost certain she will give me a hug and a peck on the cheek, when she sees me next. And then, immediately set me about building scaffolding for my hanging. I would like to say I would help her, but like I said, I will be!
I had thought to take a lesser physics, an intermediate physics to be more precise, this next term. But I really just am too tired. As well, the expense is a real drain with no promise of recuperation via work. I should invest in a set of cross country skis for traveling back country in the snow and then set about taking lessons and practicing. Yes, that means I am hoping for snow. It might not make me very popular, but nobody actually knows me or could connect me with this blog. So, I am safe with my hopes. Besides, as honest and open as I am, I am quite sure these folks around here hate me for other reasons. However, this is not a bad thing. I hope many people in this world do not like me. From some people, this is a compliment. I hope the president sees it that way too, though, I really would not wish to be lumped with him, exactly, either. He is a decent president though, and the people who hate him, would actually really hate me. I think the lad is a little soft in the wrist, politically speaking, for my tastes.
Not much else here. I’m up late, was going to go to bed but I became very hungry of a sudden. So, I popped some potatoes in the oven and am planning on having a thick cut New York Strip. A glass of milk, whole, some sour cream (full fat, as much as I can get), and a nice quiet place will top off the meal most pleasantly. Oh, I had thought about a beer fest to mollify my disappointment, but I just, in the end, did not feel like it. At least I do not feel crushed.
I had been planning on a visit to my mother’s home after this test. After looking at my finances, I realized I could not go. I keep promising, and putting it off. I am almost certain she will give me a hug and a peck on the cheek, when she sees me next. And then, immediately set me about building scaffolding for my hanging. I would like to say I would help her, but like I said, I will be!
I had thought to take a lesser physics, an intermediate physics to be more precise, this next term. But I really just am too tired. As well, the expense is a real drain with no promise of recuperation via work. I should invest in a set of cross country skis for traveling back country in the snow and then set about taking lessons and practicing. Yes, that means I am hoping for snow. It might not make me very popular, but nobody actually knows me or could connect me with this blog. So, I am safe with my hopes. Besides, as honest and open as I am, I am quite sure these folks around here hate me for other reasons. However, this is not a bad thing. I hope many people in this world do not like me. From some people, this is a compliment. I hope the president sees it that way too, though, I really would not wish to be lumped with him, exactly, either. He is a decent president though, and the people who hate him, would actually really hate me. I think the lad is a little soft in the wrist, politically speaking, for my tastes.
Not much else here. I’m up late, was going to go to bed but I became very hungry of a sudden. So, I popped some potatoes in the oven and am planning on having a thick cut New York Strip. A glass of milk, whole, some sour cream (full fat, as much as I can get), and a nice quiet place will top off the meal most pleasantly. Oh, I had thought about a beer fest to mollify my disappointment, but I just, in the end, did not feel like it. At least I do not feel crushed.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
On the morrow.
I have studied well for this test. Thankfully, my class is in the afternoon. After having problems with sleeping too much before, I am having problems sleeping at all now, until I crash. I have usually been able to control this, though I was 5 minutes late for class Monday. There is nothing as horrifying as not being able to control yourself, in any fashion. This is little better than have bladder control problems. At least with that, people do understand (if they then expect you to begin wearing continence unders or something). In any case, I have usually been able to wake and get going in time for class. I am actually looking forward to this test, sort of. I am hoping to truly ace a test. It is all derivative of at least double variable functions and various uses of these which we will be tested upon, and, I think, my last chance to nail test down. Double (and more) integrals are next, and they look a bit hairier. I think I will be able to do them, and well, though I am dubious about acing the test on those. And, with the final, well... acing would be beautiful, but highly unlikely.
I have been spending days prepping for this test. My study partner has been great. He is a good guy, if definitely to my left by miles. He has a good mind, work ethic, and is quite companionable. Even debating politics is usually tit-for-tat. Tonight we both got a bit worked up. I am hoping it is the just the stress and fear that these sorts of tests generate. Being two bearish males, under stress, and both tired, it happens. He works a full time job and is taking 3 engineering courses, while being married with one adult child living with them. I am not sure how he does it, but if there were a way, I would lend him some of my sleeping hours. Lord knows, I need to be awake more, and would love to be awake more. If nothing else, just to crack into the physics. Worthy study partners are rare, from my experience. Actually, I had hoped I would be able to heavy up on physics enough to lighten his load, not to mention bone up on the subject, but it just is not going to happen. I am barely dragging myself to school and to study with him, sleeping or awake but exhausted the rest of my days.
Well heck, at least I really enjoy the course. Our teacher is super. He can be tricky, he is not easy, but he is available, straight-up with his expectations, and a very good guide through this material, if one pays attention. The little two year college I attend has really made a positive impression on me. Should the world not destroy itself while I am out healing, it is on the menu for my return.
The world is a whisper,
shouted in my ear.
It hurts beautifully.
It mends with a scar.
I find myself wrapped in it’s time.
In it’s space, I share a place.
It has a function that is me.
I use it for that reason.
In time,
I hope to see more.
I have been spending days prepping for this test. My study partner has been great. He is a good guy, if definitely to my left by miles. He has a good mind, work ethic, and is quite companionable. Even debating politics is usually tit-for-tat. Tonight we both got a bit worked up. I am hoping it is the just the stress and fear that these sorts of tests generate. Being two bearish males, under stress, and both tired, it happens. He works a full time job and is taking 3 engineering courses, while being married with one adult child living with them. I am not sure how he does it, but if there were a way, I would lend him some of my sleeping hours. Lord knows, I need to be awake more, and would love to be awake more. If nothing else, just to crack into the physics. Worthy study partners are rare, from my experience. Actually, I had hoped I would be able to heavy up on physics enough to lighten his load, not to mention bone up on the subject, but it just is not going to happen. I am barely dragging myself to school and to study with him, sleeping or awake but exhausted the rest of my days.
Well heck, at least I really enjoy the course. Our teacher is super. He can be tricky, he is not easy, but he is available, straight-up with his expectations, and a very good guide through this material, if one pays attention. The little two year college I attend has really made a positive impression on me. Should the world not destroy itself while I am out healing, it is on the menu for my return.
The world is a whisper,
shouted in my ear.
It hurts beautifully.
It mends with a scar.
I find myself wrapped in it’s time.
In it’s space, I share a place.
It has a function that is me.
I use it for that reason.
In time,
I hope to see more.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
There Is Only One Truth
In discussions, I have been exploring the notion of reality. This is not so deep as it may seem, reality just is. My belief is that reality just is, in any case. To my mind, there are not alternate versions of reality. What happens happens and what does not happen does not. And mis-constructions of what happens is due to folly or our inability to understand and process what we are sensing. Though that is quite simple, and I believe quite true, the implications of this are profound.
When you throw a rock into a pond, if the pond is initially placid and the rock is (magically) perfectly precise, the surface of the pond will ripple in a circular manner with a wave similar to a sine or cosine shape, for example. If the pond is perfectly placid every time you perfectly through the rock precisely in the same spot with all else being equal, the same thing will happen every time. It was proffered to me that because of the potential of there being many dimensions, what we see happen is not all that happens. That is simple, even if there are many, even infinite dimensions, that ripple we see will cause the same affect, within the constraints of the variable dimensions, each and every throw of the stone as well. That is simple enough, is it not? Essentially, the laws of nature are correct and absolute, regardless if we understand them in there full context. It is actually reassuring, in some sense. In another, however, it opens a whole world of doubt.
If reality is all there is, and we are a part of that reality, then we cannot do anything we are not supposed to do. We are merely functionaries of the laws of physics, biology, and such. As such, we are simply animals. Like cats, we merely show affection because we are shown affection. Like dogs, if we cannot breed it or eat it, we mark it. We give only so that we may take. We are biological robots. Free choice, then, is a complete illusion.
I do believe, in the normal spaces of our life, that last sentence is true. Most of what we do, we do because we, or someone or something else, developed us to do so. However, I believe there moments in our life where we may break with the bonds of nature and make choices beyond animal responses. We may choose to do the right thing, which often may not be in our best interest. We may also choose to do the wrong thing in order to obtain that which we desire.
If the fact is that reality is exact and true AND we have some limited free choice to do good or evil, then something has to be outside of the laws of nature to allow for that. There is no other way. Either we are functions of nature and cannot choose our path, or something outside of that has allowed us some manner free choice. Though it cannot be proved, it, like a black hole, can not only be identified, but measured to some degree (a lesser degree than the certainty of a black hole, though much more explosive in it’s nature).
I think most believe we are merely animals. Perhaps most are incapable of seeing beyond themselves. If someone sees a wealthy man, they would have his wealth, one way or another, given the opportunity. If a man sees a beautiful woman, he would have her, one way or another, given the opportunity. If people see power, they would have it, one way or another, given the opportunity. Then there are men who would not take what they did not earn and could not support or do right by. There are men who would not take advantage of a woman in need. There are men who choose not for themselves, but for a whole system of rightness. These men, today, are few. They are few enough to be inconsequential, at this point, to politics, power, business, or anything worldly. And yet, these are the men who have value to the only thing that is important. Whatever lies outside of what we see and can know, that which offers us the chance to be more than just animals, loves these men greatly. Therein lies my hope.
I must admit, I cannot be sure I am among these men. I understand my limits, I fail in flesh and I do not always try to show the light to others. I only understand that it is my goal to be among these men, at any cost. It is my goal to be selfless without self-depreciation. It is my goal to not ask for or receive that which is not mine or that which I cannot support. It is my goal to do what I believe is the will of this entity, rather than my will.
In my simple beliefs, however, I do not believe the last sentence in the last paragraph is necessary, in one way. If what I am saying is true, I will do His will either willingly or not. I will either bow to him and his will, or go against it, but in the further and ultimate truth, my will is not my own. So it comes down to whom or what I decide to lend credence to through the enactment that little bit of willfulness I can rightly claim as my own.
That is not exactly right, but I am working through it. Given some time, I might be able to get that precise and correct. Back to calculus. I have a test tomorrow, and I have to train the animal to hunt tricky numbers.
When you throw a rock into a pond, if the pond is initially placid and the rock is (magically) perfectly precise, the surface of the pond will ripple in a circular manner with a wave similar to a sine or cosine shape, for example. If the pond is perfectly placid every time you perfectly through the rock precisely in the same spot with all else being equal, the same thing will happen every time. It was proffered to me that because of the potential of there being many dimensions, what we see happen is not all that happens. That is simple, even if there are many, even infinite dimensions, that ripple we see will cause the same affect, within the constraints of the variable dimensions, each and every throw of the stone as well. That is simple enough, is it not? Essentially, the laws of nature are correct and absolute, regardless if we understand them in there full context. It is actually reassuring, in some sense. In another, however, it opens a whole world of doubt.
If reality is all there is, and we are a part of that reality, then we cannot do anything we are not supposed to do. We are merely functionaries of the laws of physics, biology, and such. As such, we are simply animals. Like cats, we merely show affection because we are shown affection. Like dogs, if we cannot breed it or eat it, we mark it. We give only so that we may take. We are biological robots. Free choice, then, is a complete illusion.
I do believe, in the normal spaces of our life, that last sentence is true. Most of what we do, we do because we, or someone or something else, developed us to do so. However, I believe there moments in our life where we may break with the bonds of nature and make choices beyond animal responses. We may choose to do the right thing, which often may not be in our best interest. We may also choose to do the wrong thing in order to obtain that which we desire.
If the fact is that reality is exact and true AND we have some limited free choice to do good or evil, then something has to be outside of the laws of nature to allow for that. There is no other way. Either we are functions of nature and cannot choose our path, or something outside of that has allowed us some manner free choice. Though it cannot be proved, it, like a black hole, can not only be identified, but measured to some degree (a lesser degree than the certainty of a black hole, though much more explosive in it’s nature).
I think most believe we are merely animals. Perhaps most are incapable of seeing beyond themselves. If someone sees a wealthy man, they would have his wealth, one way or another, given the opportunity. If a man sees a beautiful woman, he would have her, one way or another, given the opportunity. If people see power, they would have it, one way or another, given the opportunity. Then there are men who would not take what they did not earn and could not support or do right by. There are men who would not take advantage of a woman in need. There are men who choose not for themselves, but for a whole system of rightness. These men, today, are few. They are few enough to be inconsequential, at this point, to politics, power, business, or anything worldly. And yet, these are the men who have value to the only thing that is important. Whatever lies outside of what we see and can know, that which offers us the chance to be more than just animals, loves these men greatly. Therein lies my hope.
I must admit, I cannot be sure I am among these men. I understand my limits, I fail in flesh and I do not always try to show the light to others. I only understand that it is my goal to be among these men, at any cost. It is my goal to be selfless without self-depreciation. It is my goal to not ask for or receive that which is not mine or that which I cannot support. It is my goal to do what I believe is the will of this entity, rather than my will.
In my simple beliefs, however, I do not believe the last sentence in the last paragraph is necessary, in one way. If what I am saying is true, I will do His will either willingly or not. I will either bow to him and his will, or go against it, but in the further and ultimate truth, my will is not my own. So it comes down to whom or what I decide to lend credence to through the enactment that little bit of willfulness I can rightly claim as my own.
That is not exactly right, but I am working through it. Given some time, I might be able to get that precise and correct. Back to calculus. I have a test tomorrow, and I have to train the animal to hunt tricky numbers.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
The Math.
I really do enjoy doing the problems. I cannot honestly say I am learning new things. At this point, I am taking everything I have learned about math and putting it together in a (sometimes) neat little package. There are a few new things, but mostly, I learned all of this material already. Often when I “learn” something “new”, it is just something I forgot. Though honestly, you could not keep all of this in your mind at any one time, consciously. I have come to the realization that much of what I do, I do without a thought. When or if I should stop to think about the more complicated problems, during the solution process, I probably would not be able to do them. So, how does one ever know what they really know? Testing is the only way, I suppose.
I meant to call my neighbor to see how the hunt went. I am excited in hopes that it was a good hunt. I decided to check my mail a bit ago, and thought that might also be a good time to visit and talk, but it looks like they have gone to bed. It was early, but they started their day quite early. I will post a report when I find out. As well, I will see if there are any future hunts planned. Even if I keep having difficulty, if I get one more hunt in at least, I would be a little happier I think. Well, back to math!
I meant to call my neighbor to see how the hunt went. I am excited in hopes that it was a good hunt. I decided to check my mail a bit ago, and thought that might also be a good time to visit and talk, but it looks like they have gone to bed. It was early, but they started their day quite early. I will post a report when I find out. As well, I will see if there are any future hunts planned. Even if I keep having difficulty, if I get one more hunt in at least, I would be a little happier I think. Well, back to math!
Into the depths of derivatives, with nary but a pen and paper.
I was supposed to go duck and goose hunting today. I slept most of yesterday, and parts of last night. I was supposed to wake up at 4:00 am. After speaking with my neighbor, I rested as I could, but just could not make the cutoff. So, I didn’t end up going. Actually, I just woke up at 4:00pm. *sigh* I really wanted to get out there too. I want a freezer full of the birds, for several reasons. First, it’s good food, in my opinion. Second, it is fun to hunt my own food. I know where it came from. But I think more, it is good to get out with “the guys” and do wholesome things, talk about life, get outdoors, and shoot. Put altogether, that is a whole ball of wax that any man who endeavors to be a gentleman could easily see as being right.
I am hoping the group goes again. With as busy as people are these days, it is difficult to know. Most of these guys are both family guys and working their way through various levels of rather involved academic pursuits, with complicated requirements associated with, yet aside from, their academic endeavors, beside their family situations. I am not sure how they do it, but it seems to be working and is neat to watch. In any case, it makes outings a bit of a rarity.
I am going to try and get some of my schoolwork reviewed. I have ten units to cover. Most of this I have mastered, in a stepwise manner. Putting it all together and testing on it is another thing. That takes concentration, awareness, and confidence. All of which have been flagging. At least I did better on the quiz than I had anticipated. Though not stellar, I did receive a 7.7 out of 10. It was very difficult because my mind could not see, and thus could not relax and “just do it”. I do not think I will be able to do more, say pick up on physics at least to help my partner in calculus study physics too, currently, so this has become it. However, I have some hope that I will be able to pull this off. I do know I know, and that is a start. I do know I am doing whatever else I can to be successful. That is not bad. I would actually like to do one test without error. On each test, that is my goal. Off to the book mine I go, pen and paper in hand.
I am hoping the group goes again. With as busy as people are these days, it is difficult to know. Most of these guys are both family guys and working their way through various levels of rather involved academic pursuits, with complicated requirements associated with, yet aside from, their academic endeavors, beside their family situations. I am not sure how they do it, but it seems to be working and is neat to watch. In any case, it makes outings a bit of a rarity.
I am going to try and get some of my schoolwork reviewed. I have ten units to cover. Most of this I have mastered, in a stepwise manner. Putting it all together and testing on it is another thing. That takes concentration, awareness, and confidence. All of which have been flagging. At least I did better on the quiz than I had anticipated. Though not stellar, I did receive a 7.7 out of 10. It was very difficult because my mind could not see, and thus could not relax and “just do it”. I do not think I will be able to do more, say pick up on physics at least to help my partner in calculus study physics too, currently, so this has become it. However, I have some hope that I will be able to pull this off. I do know I know, and that is a start. I do know I am doing whatever else I can to be successful. That is not bad. I would actually like to do one test without error. On each test, that is my goal. Off to the book mine I go, pen and paper in hand.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Little time, much to do.
I have made a dozen decisions today which will be implemented over a period of months. The first decision was implemented today. I asked for the keys to my place back from my “girl friend”. She had been allowed to use my washer and drier on the proviso that she do some work around the house while she was doing her laundry. Actually, I have been paying for her cell phone, which also was supposed to be remunerated via housework. I have received nothing in the way of work done. As well, though she was welcome to my larder, should she need, she was not given free rein to just take whatever whenever. Either she has been or someone else is getting into my apartment. Neither would surprise me, so, the keys are no longer in her possession and I am making the locking of my door an art. The windows will show if they are being entered. I did it, as well, in such a manner that would not allow her to make copies before returning keys. This woman is not to be trusted. A typical feminist, she is equal until she needs, then she does whatever she wants, yet somehow convinces herself she is still equal to good men. Maybe to my eastern neighbors, where her equality is obvious (they also have no morals, so I am quite sure they believe in equality as well, and take, push, and threaten to get what they want within that type of equality). She just did not understand that friendship is a two way street, and perhaps that all she was and would ever be is a friend. Perhaps in spite of her turning down my marriage request (while I was weak and stupid) and me moving out (which, oddly, surprised her), that she no longer had relationship claims to me or mine. She knows now, however, how it works.
Beyond, I probably will not be taking physics. I think one of my commenters suggested that physics might not be the thing to advance in the lead up to an away time. Yeah, ok, I see it. Though, that isn’t the real reason. It would have been a monumental struggle against a system weighted against me. Even if I can do the material, with a great deal of struggle, I realize I will never get there. I would need to reassess my level of competency in several areas and take a few lesser courses to gain skill in certain areas, physics for sure. I am sadly behind the cue ball on this and am too tired to really fight my way through another timed course. I am running out of energy in calculus, so that even though I am getting the material, mastering it even, it is going to be a nightmare to finish well. I am exhausted, day and night, after and before sleeping, and cannot get restful sleep no matter what I do. I realize I might be able to overcome one of those obstacles, but not both. It is time to just start figuring out how to survive. The money could be put to better use on outdoor gear, the time could better be spent in the field, the energy I can maintain must be spent wisely, as something is shorting my system, leaving me with too little energy and when it goes is never certain.
I will probably getting off the internet in the next few months as well. I cannot keep my computer clean. The software I have does not seem to be up to the task (Zone Alarm Security Suite, kept up-to date, with spy-ware, anti-virus, and firewall all optimized to the best of my ability and functioning, along with MS’s firewall (they do work together, apparently)). So, I am getting out of the whole ball of wax. I can tell my machine isn’t under my control yet cannot find what has taken over or is using it. Best to know when you are licked and just get out.
That does not leave a lot of hope. And, I am not really happy about these realizations. But, as a man, I have to realize life and reality are hard and true. I need to go ‘retire’ somewhere away from this Godless place, find some peace, and just roll on until I finally, graciously, am allowed to go to the only place that will ever be home for me. In some way, this is a relief. I know I did what I could. I know that, barring anything else, I do not fit in this world.
Truth be told, I would rather die being mauled by a bear or falling out of a tree or down a mountain than to slowly eat poison handed out in Social Medicine™ Nursing Homes (coming to your community, soon). Unless, of course, they really do intend to eat the old, visa vie Soylent Green. It will probably be a quick sharp whack to the head, which seems nice and painless. Hey, if the atheists (think socialists, communists) do gain rule, and she is well on her way, simply understand that they consider us animals. If that becomes the law, long pig will no longer just be for socializing, it will be the next “What’s for dinner, ah, meatloaf surprise.” Just ask the North Korean’s for sure, probably the Vietnamese, most likely most such nation’s peoples.
Beyond, I probably will not be taking physics. I think one of my commenters suggested that physics might not be the thing to advance in the lead up to an away time. Yeah, ok, I see it. Though, that isn’t the real reason. It would have been a monumental struggle against a system weighted against me. Even if I can do the material, with a great deal of struggle, I realize I will never get there. I would need to reassess my level of competency in several areas and take a few lesser courses to gain skill in certain areas, physics for sure. I am sadly behind the cue ball on this and am too tired to really fight my way through another timed course. I am running out of energy in calculus, so that even though I am getting the material, mastering it even, it is going to be a nightmare to finish well. I am exhausted, day and night, after and before sleeping, and cannot get restful sleep no matter what I do. I realize I might be able to overcome one of those obstacles, but not both. It is time to just start figuring out how to survive. The money could be put to better use on outdoor gear, the time could better be spent in the field, the energy I can maintain must be spent wisely, as something is shorting my system, leaving me with too little energy and when it goes is never certain.
I will probably getting off the internet in the next few months as well. I cannot keep my computer clean. The software I have does not seem to be up to the task (Zone Alarm Security Suite, kept up-to date, with spy-ware, anti-virus, and firewall all optimized to the best of my ability and functioning, along with MS’s firewall (they do work together, apparently)). So, I am getting out of the whole ball of wax. I can tell my machine isn’t under my control yet cannot find what has taken over or is using it. Best to know when you are licked and just get out.
That does not leave a lot of hope. And, I am not really happy about these realizations. But, as a man, I have to realize life and reality are hard and true. I need to go ‘retire’ somewhere away from this Godless place, find some peace, and just roll on until I finally, graciously, am allowed to go to the only place that will ever be home for me. In some way, this is a relief. I know I did what I could. I know that, barring anything else, I do not fit in this world.
Truth be told, I would rather die being mauled by a bear or falling out of a tree or down a mountain than to slowly eat poison handed out in Social Medicine™ Nursing Homes (coming to your community, soon). Unless, of course, they really do intend to eat the old, visa vie Soylent Green. It will probably be a quick sharp whack to the head, which seems nice and painless. Hey, if the atheists (think socialists, communists) do gain rule, and she is well on her way, simply understand that they consider us animals. If that becomes the law, long pig will no longer just be for socializing, it will be the next “What’s for dinner, ah, meatloaf surprise.” Just ask the North Korean’s for sure, probably the Vietnamese, most likely most such nation’s peoples.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Exhausted.
Well, my brain is working again. I was pretty much able to pick up yesterdays class material, in class. Do I still have trouble solving certain things, yes, but it’s the same old same old that has, is, and will beat me up every time I work on it. Oh, and it should not. I really need to sit down and think about the problem sets, do a couple dozen hundred of them, and get over it, but… Anyway, so my brain is back in my back pocket, but I am still crazy tired. I am hoping this does not mess up my class attendance, test times, and things. Also threatened is my capacity to study. I may really have gotten good at this stuff, but I have to study the new and old material, do the homework, and go over odds and ends when I can (like the above mentioned techniques, which I just have not found time or material in order to improve).
Life has become just school, again, but this time it is not 18 hour days, it is 6 hours here, 8 to 14 hours of sleep, a few hours there, a nap, etc. I still have not set out the sun lamp, but I have not had the time to set up the area by arranging my study area, and getting the lamp out, figuring out how to power it on top of the rest of my life, such as it is. I am hoping I will be able to get that done this week. I would be doing it today, but I just woke up and promised my study partner I would pick up some trees his wife purchased and deliver them. After which, we will study for the next test (next Wednesday). We have 10 units in this chapter, some of them offering rather involved techniques. I have promised Saturday to goose hunting (though I have not heard a peep about it since) and maybe a pumpkin patch hay ride thing to my lady friend. *sigh* Shoot me now? hehe Nah, it is good, just seems too busy while I am becoming less able to be active. When it rains it pours, they say.
Oh, I caught that bit about Ellen Degeneres. I still read the news, some small amount. Most of it the same as yesterday, one or two things seems interesting for this or that reason. I do agree, she seems quite sad about her situation. Is she sad about her part in the whole thing or only the egg on her face? I keep wondering, if the woman who has the dog now gets killed, but the family gets the dog back, will Ellen care? Does she realize what she has done? Does she not know she has endangered a woman’s life because she does not feel the need to obey rules? I do not know her, so I do not know. I do know that the rich and powerful often seem to care more about getting their way then about actual right or wrong. So, at a minimum, I am dubious. Even if the woman gives the dog back under threat, where is the fairness in that? Either way, the woman may never be safe because of Degeneres.
Life has become just school, again, but this time it is not 18 hour days, it is 6 hours here, 8 to 14 hours of sleep, a few hours there, a nap, etc. I still have not set out the sun lamp, but I have not had the time to set up the area by arranging my study area, and getting the lamp out, figuring out how to power it on top of the rest of my life, such as it is. I am hoping I will be able to get that done this week. I would be doing it today, but I just woke up and promised my study partner I would pick up some trees his wife purchased and deliver them. After which, we will study for the next test (next Wednesday). We have 10 units in this chapter, some of them offering rather involved techniques. I have promised Saturday to goose hunting (though I have not heard a peep about it since) and maybe a pumpkin patch hay ride thing to my lady friend. *sigh* Shoot me now? hehe Nah, it is good, just seems too busy while I am becoming less able to be active. When it rains it pours, they say.
Oh, I caught that bit about Ellen Degeneres. I still read the news, some small amount. Most of it the same as yesterday, one or two things seems interesting for this or that reason. I do agree, she seems quite sad about her situation. Is she sad about her part in the whole thing or only the egg on her face? I keep wondering, if the woman who has the dog now gets killed, but the family gets the dog back, will Ellen care? Does she realize what she has done? Does she not know she has endangered a woman’s life because she does not feel the need to obey rules? I do not know her, so I do not know. I do know that the rich and powerful often seem to care more about getting their way then about actual right or wrong. So, at a minimum, I am dubious. Even if the woman gives the dog back under threat, where is the fairness in that? Either way, the woman may never be safe because of Degeneres.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Hmmm, how does this work?
I guess I am out of touch. I would not have thought this, myself. I laugh at my reflection, if I have a reaction. This one must have been written by a 10 year old, or Ph.D.
You Are Scary |
 You even scare scary people sometimes! |
I fell down, again.
Yesterday, in class, we had a quiz. I had studied. I was prepared. But I could not seem to uncross my eyes, focus, and do the work. I have mastered the material, so it was not that. I simply could not force (or coax or cajole) myself to function. As such, I could not see to answer part of the first problem and then could not tell what I was to do or if I was doing things correctly on the rest of the quiz. This is very disconcerting. I have been taking my meds (and I even drank a bucket of coffee) trying to gear up. I usually will not drink coffee (or that much for sure), but I could tell I was seriously flagging early on the morning before the quiz. After the quiz, we went over a bit of new material that is not reiterated old stuff. Honestly, it was easy material, but again, my mind could not be brought to bear on the topics at hand. In study last night, I could not solve my name! Yet, I struggled on, tried to follow my study partner’s work, used a calculator to check some basic ideas, and struggled through a few problems that way.
I am still in the intellectual dumpster. However, I was able to go over the first new group of techniques and work them out. I still have another group to cover, and I really have not mastered what I have covered. I am making many errors (minor math and algebra errors, mostly, but not limited therein). At least I can manually, without the calculator usually, find my difficulty(ies). It is still comparable to doing sprints with legs that have fallen asleep. As well, after 3 to 4 hours of study, I am needing a nap! I slept well and long last night, but I was exhausted this morning and remain so.
The weather, here, has been dark. It isn’t so much just cloudy as wintery. The threat is almost of snow or freezing rain. The sun is not out, and even should it happen to come out, it is not capable of dowsing me in happy radiation at this time of year. I suspect this is a larger part of the thing. I have decided to try a sun-lamp this year. I think now might be the time to do so since medicine and coffee aren’t touching it.
On the bright side, I have been doing what I can to get going with physics. I have ordered a load of books. I should have at least 8-10,000 problems, split across the various topics of undergraduate physics, with instruction and commentary, and divided again in levels from pre-calculus physics to engineering calculus based physics II. I stayed away from “educational books” and stuck with books that work. I have two college physics books, expensive and well worth their educational weight in saw-dust. *sigh* Hey, at least I do not have a girlfriend to hate me for the “wasted” time, “wasted money”, or anything.
I am going to trying something new this year. I ordered a half lamb (it will not be a pet;). I have really enjoyed fixing or ordering lamb meals in the last few years, but it has been an occasional item. If this works, I may be able to have it a bit more often and just begin ordering half of a not-to-be-pet lamb a year. I went with heart, leg roasts, other roast, chops, stew meat, and some ground meat. I’ll have to let you know how that works out. But this and the first shipment of physics books (arriving today, if the tracking system is correct) are keeping me from becoming too glum in spite of having fallen down again. And, I have some hope that I may be able to recover in time for the next test, in a week and a day. I guess it is good to know that there really is not a lot I can do about my condition. When I am not only moving forward but following the doctors orders and wholly trying and I still fall hard, I understand more fully my actual situation. It just reaffirms that it is not up to me, which if freeing is frustrating. And, it's more challenging! Ok, some challenges stink. This is one of them. But I am trying to be positive here.
I am still in the intellectual dumpster. However, I was able to go over the first new group of techniques and work them out. I still have another group to cover, and I really have not mastered what I have covered. I am making many errors (minor math and algebra errors, mostly, but not limited therein). At least I can manually, without the calculator usually, find my difficulty(ies). It is still comparable to doing sprints with legs that have fallen asleep. As well, after 3 to 4 hours of study, I am needing a nap! I slept well and long last night, but I was exhausted this morning and remain so.
The weather, here, has been dark. It isn’t so much just cloudy as wintery. The threat is almost of snow or freezing rain. The sun is not out, and even should it happen to come out, it is not capable of dowsing me in happy radiation at this time of year. I suspect this is a larger part of the thing. I have decided to try a sun-lamp this year. I think now might be the time to do so since medicine and coffee aren’t touching it.
On the bright side, I have been doing what I can to get going with physics. I have ordered a load of books. I should have at least 8-10,000 problems, split across the various topics of undergraduate physics, with instruction and commentary, and divided again in levels from pre-calculus physics to engineering calculus based physics II. I stayed away from “educational books” and stuck with books that work. I have two college physics books, expensive and well worth their educational weight in saw-dust. *sigh* Hey, at least I do not have a girlfriend to hate me for the “wasted” time, “wasted money”, or anything.
I am going to trying something new this year. I ordered a half lamb (it will not be a pet;). I have really enjoyed fixing or ordering lamb meals in the last few years, but it has been an occasional item. If this works, I may be able to have it a bit more often and just begin ordering half of a not-to-be-pet lamb a year. I went with heart, leg roasts, other roast, chops, stew meat, and some ground meat. I’ll have to let you know how that works out. But this and the first shipment of physics books (arriving today, if the tracking system is correct) are keeping me from becoming too glum in spite of having fallen down again. And, I have some hope that I may be able to recover in time for the next test, in a week and a day. I guess it is good to know that there really is not a lot I can do about my condition. When I am not only moving forward but following the doctors orders and wholly trying and I still fall hard, I understand more fully my actual situation. It just reaffirms that it is not up to me, which if freeing is frustrating. And, it's more challenging! Ok, some challenges stink. This is one of them. But I am trying to be positive here.
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