Huh?

I looked at this from the American Heart Associations website:

Following a Healthy Eating Plan

The best way to help lower your blood cholesterol level is to eat less saturated fat and cholesterol, control your weight and walk or do another physical activity for at least 30 minutes each day. Our plan is based on these simple steps:
 Use up at least as many calories as you take in.
 Be physically active.
 Aim for at least 30 minutes of physical activity on most days of the week, if not all.
 Eat a variety of nutrient-rich foods.
 Eat a diet rich in vegetables and fruits.
 Choose whole-grain, high-fiber foods.
 Eat fish at least twice a week.
 Eat less of the nutrient-poor foods.
 Limit how much saturated fat, trans fat and cholesterol you eat.
 Choose lean meats and poultry without skin and prepare them without added saturated and trans fat.
 Select fat-free, 1 percent fat and low-fat dairy products.
 Cut back on foods containing partially hydrogenated vegetable oils to reduce trans fat in your diet.
 Cut back on foods high in dietary cholesterol.
 Cut back on beverages and foods with added sugars.
 Choose and prepare foods with little or no salt.
 If you drink alcohol, drink in moderation.
 Follow the American Heart Association recommendations when you eat out.
 Read the nutrition facts label and ingredients list.
 Avoid use of and exposure to tobacco products.

Looks good, but it is loony. Use as many calories as you eat? Sounds good, but working 3 x weighlifting and 3 x 1 hour swims per week net me a calorie burn of about 4200 calories. Now, that is six hours of working out as hard as I can (which granted, is somewhat soft if getting harder). So, I am supposed to eat less than 4200 calories a week? I know they are id-10-ts. Well, physically active, okay. On top of working out, I am walking anywhere from 3 to 5 miles a week (or hiking, which is much more hilly and thus rigorous, now that I know that is open), so fine. Nutrient rich, vegetables, grains (Whole? Part whole maybe, not that modernist Pilgrim crap though, besides, too many carbs, everyone knows that!), lower fat meats and skinless fowl… sad, but okay I am getting on that.

But, what is saturated fat, trans fat, and cholesterol heavy, food wise? I doubt if I eat that anyway, since I usually do not eat much in the way of chips, deep fried foods, etc. But, I am not giving up avocado, though it is not like I eat that by the gross either, and it has enough else to make it good, even very occasionally (I am with Hillbilly on this, if not perhaps to that degree?). I have become a bit of an olive oil junkie, though peanut oil and canola (sp?) oils are also coming into more common, if still a lot less, usage.

Oh, and I have cut my salt, a bunch. We really do get too much salt. Much of that extra salt comes from eating out and eating processed foods. This is one place where checking the labels could help you, if you cannot buy fresh. I avoid all the salt I can, then add salt only on the table, and then lightly. However, some foods really do need a little salt in the cooking. Meats and even some steamed vegetables (salt helps prevent the vegetable (the ones that get done very quickly for the most part) from becoming overdone and or water-filled) need some salt, but not much. As well, the right salt helps a great deal, try kosher salt, it really does lend a lot more flavor for a lot less mass and the flavor lasts through the cooking usually (at least far better than any other salt I have tried).

My fluids are now mostly simple water, if run through reverse osmosis machines first. The water here, where I live, is retched. It is heavy in every natural mineral, it seems. So hard, manufacturers of water-heaters do not stand behind their 5 and 6 year warranties here. If it was trace, it would be fantastic, this stuff comes up and, a week after heavily cleaning a bathroom, it needs barnacle removal, again. Seriously, it is nasty water and tastes it here. Since I do not believe in the rest of the “bottle water” options, I go with reverse osmosis, for good or ill. Though juice, beer, a toot of scotch, and other fluids sometimes pass my tongue and head for home, these last only lightly and occasionally flavor my days.

As far as 1% fat dairy products, this is a femanized dietary mechanism. I NEED whole milk and dairy products, including butter. I choose salt free butter, for cooking especially. I do get some salted butter as the QoD cannot stand unstalted butter for breads and muffins and such (I can and do when buttering my own toast and whatever). I recently reviewed an excerpt from a study of 5,000 British “men” for 10 years (anyone that politically corrupted could not be called a man, slave woman(who are happy to be controlled by socialism it seems) or loser but not man), what they found is that those drinking real milk (even better if it is raw milk, yummy if I could find and easily obtain it!) and butter had much lower heart attack rates, down to the 1% range, compared to the “blokes” who chose to go feminine with their diets. That might differ for women, I do not know since I am not one and did not look.

Avoid use and exposure to tobacco! Hahahahahahaha What a feminist leftist flop. “Do not touch that, it is doity!” hahahahahhaha I am going to smoke cigars and pipe from here on. And, I am going to get more men to become real men and do the same, driving up demand (thus price) until the high equilibrium is hit and the prices come down. And, I will be working to force tax cuts on everything, especially my smokes, guns, ammo, and such. I do not want nor need a government medical pogrom, and I mean to see my government get the hell out of my life as far as it should be. Meaning, they should do the military, diplomacy (talk only, no money), and a few other key things. The rest needs to be our own responsibility.

By the way, you know those stupid little ration cards put on cans, bottles, boxes, and everything the government can get their hands on, telling you how much you should eat and daily recommendations? Yeah, those are based on a 50 something year old post menopausal woman’s dietary scripts. Ignore them, as they are wrong in every single way. Find out for yourself, and do what you know you should. Or, be fat and happy! I will never knock that (unless you want half of your ass to bulge into my already cramped airplane seating, then there will be words!). Hell, some might say I am fat, if not happy about it.

God forgive me, should I have gone wrong with this post. In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

My what a day.

I got out today, did the tasks I had hoped to do, and just enjoyed toodling around town. The first stop was at the exercise equipment shop I spoke of. I talked with the fellow I wrote about, and asked him about diet and such. I should never listen to the Harpy, she always freaks me out and leads me to begin over-thinking things AND go down the wrong path. She is such a drag and a nag, I have to keep that in mind. Anal? Yep. Oh, after looking at a lot of equipment for my needs, I also decided to go with their equipment. Why, at that price? Because I found nothing that can handle my weight, for sure, other than it. Most, if they even offered an amount, could only handle 250. I suppose if I were to be using it lightly and occasionally, sure, I would go with that. But I plan to be swinging hard, heavy, and often from the thing. The equipment I chose is tighter than jungle gyms. So, I ordered that there, after speaking with the guy.

Food wise, his suggestion was pretty much to avoid sugars and to some degree, excess fats. Well, ok, the QoD is right about some of this, if she just gets freaky overboard. Skinless chicken, sirloin or maybe t-bone, smaller portions, but Wheaties and Cheerios are just fine. Honestly, I will take a competitor muscled guys word over Miss Misery’s word, at least on this, any day. She is still fun, as long as I do not talk about anything serious, she is a political, economic, history minded, and dietary lightweight. Come to think of that, I knew that. Oh well.

Tomorrow the gig is on again. A 6:00 swim, a later in the day start-up of my workouts, and perhaps a few bits of business, making sure I know what is coming up regarding appointments and checking the radar for anything I should be doing that is not yet being given the needed attention. I mean to get to bible studies today, however, I cannot find my study guide. I will be looking for it, until I get cross-eyed then I give it a break, and going back when my mind unknots. If that is the extent of my work, so be it. But I hope to have the silly thing found later today, certainly by next Sunday. If not, I will have to seek the material elsewhere. Hey, I am not perfect!

Bah, I am a humble fool who tries. Perhaps less. That being so, I best get back to simply trying (and more than other people’s nerves(?)).

A feeling, a bad one, but… just a feeling?

I keep running into negatives on my route of my disability. Sometimes it is little, sometimes it is large. Sometimes it is just a word of doubt… should you? can you? do you really want to? Sometimes it is wholesale resistance through avoidance, not giving me enough information to plan well, and people who should be helping according to legal, moral, or social connections with me or my case simply not helping as they really should.

I have been thinking about this. Married guys, though happy, seem disinterested in my getting married. I wonder if it is a form of jealousy. Being single, without children, and making just about exactly $40,000 a year after taxes, with medical benefits, is not bad if it could be a lot better. More so since all I have to do to receive it is... exactly nothing. If I wished to be single and to not have to work for a living, I suppose that would be perfect. And, I think many would like to trade places. This, I am very sure, affects some of the people I know professionally and socially. Though I must wonder if they see me as not worthy of marriage, incapable of work, or something else? Perhaps, and maybe in the past that was true. I am hoping this will turn around as this new effort begins to bear much more fruit. It is frustrating.

It is tiring, however, to run into this. Perhaps they mean to put the nubs to my run, perhaps they just mean to remind me to go slow, but some of them mean to hurt me. It is direct, if merely, usually, simply a slight a cut a jab. I am working like I have not worked in decades. And, yes, I even find it in the Church, though I think that is directly political. The Church, as a place, seems to have been womanified, feminized really. I knew that, this being a college town. Of course, there are some options, even locally, to deal with that. There is more, perhaps, to it. It is odd that the most “liberal” people can be, and often are and exhibit it, more prejudiced when they do not like the politics of someone. I have seen this before, much more strongly though, if in very different circles.

On other matters, it looks like I will be heading to my Iowa Mother’s home to help her move out. I will not be able to work out while there, but that might easily be tended in getting her moved. She has many things to move and I suspect I will be doing a large part of that. Next month will be busy, but taking a week to help before school starts has the extra benefit in that it will be a long time before I get back to see her. School will be very trying with three classes, my exercise regimen, and my stacking up Church work. I probably will not visit her until spring.

I almost decided it was bed time. But, I do not need to be “up” at 6:00 tomorrow. Midnight is fine as a weekend bedtime, though it would be good to start getting to bed earlier and regularly. A storm is coming through though, and I like seeing those, so later to bed it will most likely be. Goodnight.

Church, and more.

I did make it to Church, and on time, if barely. Why I seem to have difficulty with time is as yet an unknown. Though, I have not needed to be on time except for a few times a month for quite a while. Perhaps as life takes off, my time management will become better. Perhaps I should use some tool or other to help. My smart phone has some properties which would do this, but they are rather weak at this type of work. In any case, it was very good to be back in my home Church and to receive the Eucharist. Next week I had best get in to reconciliation. I have learned to enjoy that, and I do appreciate it. I lead such a dull life though, my sins are mostly just within. Well, as I begin helping out and being an active helper, I think the other part of sin will be handled too, that is the sin of inaction. I hope to keep my “active” sins down to just thoughts too. I will work on those as I am able.

I took that drive and looked at the paths I used to hike. From what I can see, they are open and in good shape, if a little muddy. They are muddy from recent rain, however, not from the flooding. Though I did not really understand this, from my memory of last years explorations, most of the paths are well above even the flooded water plain. I also found an area that would be good for minor belaying, roping, and even hand climbing. I suspect there are other places for this and I believe the place I remembered will also be good and easy to get too. I did not take the whole path, just a lower part of it, so I can begin re-exploring the area. It is a hunting area and I did see two deer! I will have to pass that on to my friend, the archer and neighbor type. I did a little bit of hiking, to see both sides of the potential climbing area, from top to bottom. Though wearing better shoes and dressed for church still, I did a bit of bare handed rock climbing. I was able to get up to the top more quickly, and as I said, I had no plans on a full out marching hike or extra work out. I did the climb fairly well, at least for never having done so before. This could be really cool! Drats, I did not check to see if the swimming area nearby had been reconditioned and prepped for swimming. I would love to go for a hike, and or a climb, then take a dip, coming home cooled and ready for anything else.

Though tomorrow is relaxation time, I do need to get new goggles. My old ones leak so that I am swimming with a bit of water in them at all times. Even that little bit really caused me to have red eyes and it burns, worse over time and through repetition. I think I am going to start reading the bible on Sundays as well. I have a study format, I just need to use it.

I saw this in my review of the news, recently, and thought to share it. It is too funny, but yet quite interesting. I cannot tell, from the little I have seen, whether I will like the band, but I will have to buy one of the CDs and find out. It certainly caught my attention. Here is the link to the heavy metal monk article and clip.

I may have reasoned upon a source.

While I was out looking at exercise equipment, I went to several places. In spite of being referred to as used equipment outlets, most of what was available and all of what I was looking for was offered only as new. Several of the places had mere workers, salesmen and women of standard stock. However, at the place I found what I would buy should I have the money, the salesman was not stock. If he does not compete in muscle competitions, it is not from a lack of physique. The man, unworked, was bigger than some competitors I have seen. He is impressive. While thinking about my equipment needs today, I thought… why not talk to him?

Now, it is not my intent to compete. Nor is it my intent to get that big, my intent is almost the opposite. Even when I benched 550 or more, I did not look like him. Actually, I looked downright anemic compared to my strength, which is how I prefer it. Still, I think he might know a thing or two and might be able to either offer advice, put me in touch with someone else who can, suggest written materials, or some combination of those, for getting this thing off the ground better and faster. I will be dropping by his shop this coming week and seeing about that.

Now that this thing is on the road, I do not think I could stop if I wanted to stop. Food, now, is my issue. I think good food will help me only slightly less than being in shape. Maybe more, slightly, if it helps get in and keep in shape. I should start studying though, as the brain must be along for the ride or it will simply become a secondary consideration. A trifecta? Not quite, as all must come across the line together. I will bet on that.

After Church, I am hoping to go scout my former hiking trail. After the flood, it may simply not exist or it may be too soft, muddy, or buggy to use. I now have climbing gear, much of it anyway, and there were places for small climbs along that path so I am hoping some of it remains. No exercise this weekend, this is just preparation, mind you.

I cannot complain.

Before you think about it, yes, I completed setting up my exercises for next week and yesterday as I had planned. I have added 30-40% to my weight lifting. It will be a bit of a challenge, but… my world has changed. Being at the mercy of that water yet fighting back hard and heavy gained me access to that within which I had kept hidden. It seems that whatever I went through in the past, whatever harsh realities my mind keeps hidden, that knot of reality had decided that some significant reserves of my capabilities be kept on reserve for “serious situations”. Having come home, then lived in such a docile world here, those reserves were untouchable. With the changes in medication to even allow access, then the situation to call it forth, I may have, if not broken that barrier, opened the door or developed some type of path into God’s Country. I will have to push, but I want to not only open that door but eventually just remove the door and create a hallway into that land. I can see it now, now, I want it.

My friend emailed back with lots of information. I have some emails to send, some other contacts to make, an order to create, and some people to have face to face interviews with. This means I am opening the Church door, the academic door, and the physical door. Thankfully, everything takes time. And, I am working on my body now so that when these other facets begin coming into their own, I will be far more ready to handle the extra demand. I have become so much a believer in the physical aspect being the driver for the rest, however, that I am going to add another element to my life. I am going to begin capturing availabilities, costs, and schedules for local swimming, weight lifting, physical activities, and other such knowledge and offer it to the V.A. Vocational Rehabilitation officers (and possibly the University’s disability services) and offering to be a point man in helping people get in and get it done. I cannot really be a permanent trainer for people, but I would like to help them figure out from point A to point B, and perhaps help them by “holding their hand” through their first attempts at this for encouragement, locality guidance, and assurance that they are doing fine and can do this. That would have helped me a lot, a long time ago. Sure, I have come this far on my own, but it was a lot harder and longer this way. Heck, you never know. Perhaps one of my people might end up being my best work-out mates (or rich and grateful:p).

Today is Church day. And I really want to be there because I do not want to “have to” be up early tomorrow. As well, there is the chance I will not be able to get up early tomorrow. Though I have been making the 6:00 swims, and plan to continue doing so, it has been difficult, and I am doing it in a bass ackward way, in that I have been staying up to make sure I get there rather than just getting up earlier. Blah! Bah! And Fooey, I do believe.

Oh, to you knew guy… Never worry about my responses. Even if I seem to spitter, sputter, or spatter, I do not really get riled. I do like checking the nature of what seems an assault, but… Meh, I have had worse almost no matter. I just like to know what the purpose is. And, though I jab and parry, it is just for fun. If I hurt your feelings, and you started it, deal with it. If I hurt your feelings all on my own, just remember… critical thinking. *laughs*

Oh, about food. I remembered yesterday, whilst speaking with the Dread Queen about food that I had talked to my nurse about food before I went on vacation. She suggested I arrange an appointment with the dietician at the V.A. She suggested that I could get a really good heads up about nutrition and could possibly make a fresh dietary start there. I am definitely eating less, and the quality has picked up (for the most part) recently, but I am still quite off. For example, though I do not eat those sugary kid’s cereals, I had thought Cheereos and Corn Flakes would be good. The Dread Queen read the contents, and yeah, ok… cardboard with sugar, more or less. I told you she was sometimes correct. Well, then, what to eat? Affordability and preparation, cooking, cleaning after all demand large quantities of time, and if I really eat right and eat 5 to 6 small meals a day, that time adds up very fast. Anyway, that is out there now too.

There is enough to think about for a bit. Be good, eat well, avoid stray (or especially not) bullets, and think about God, your place in life, and how much you really have, even if you too are a poor cripple.

I got a lot done, and had an intruder… well, the QoD anyway.

Lots of things were done this day. Everything I had planned to do. I made six or seven calls, some of them a bit more involved, some of them more irritating than functional, but so be it. I was not able to do much more, however, as my last fiancée, now friend, came over to do her laundry. I see no reason to end the friendship, even if we disagree on almost everything. She is liberal when I am conservative, and vise versa. I think it is more of a psychic dance we do than anything else. Wait, no… I think it is real. Even blind to each other’s notions on a subject, we both seem to just pick the opposite side every time. I can honestly say that, when she is being reasonable and takes the time explaining things, I have found everything from a grain to a whole truth in what she says. Still, that is rare… I look, she really never does. I grow, she stagnates, liberalism I guess.

I phoned my Mom, she was supposed to call back tonight. She is on a little vacation herself, she has sadly sold her house (though I support her, and her choices, I will miss the place (and space when I visit). I was hoping to talk to her about a few things, but not today I guess. Wow, dissed by my own Mom. Meh, I have others. I also called my new V.A. Voc. Rehab. handler. I am back to square one with this guy. He is about as enthused about being involved with my case as he is about sky diving without a parachute. It certainly is warming on my end to speak with a fish, let me tell you. I was going to let him know what was happening, but he really did not care. Paperwork, he said. When I have it, then call and we might see about an appointment, perhaps. I hope you never need a bureaucrat for help. The rest of the calls were business, none of which is yours. :p

I have been up all day, so I am really looking forward to sleep. As I have said, Saturday and Sunday are non-exercise days, I do not even think I will necessarily begin studying. Who knows on that last though, right now I am too tired to think. Great, I should sleep very well. Hmm, I should not, but… I am considering writing more of the story I had started. I suppose I got lost in life, and for a while exhaustion, then I lost track. I pulled everything down, put it in one file, and started to read and re-edit it. No promises, and I do not know when or truly if, but I would like to get back to creative writing.

Life is good.

Swimming, again.

I had to hustle. I walked today. As I said I was going to try and do. I thought I would be late, but I was just in time, as they were just letting people in as I arrived. I think I surprised some, it must be that newcomers often do not return. I plan to be there, like clockwork. I realized we have two hours and fifteen minutes to swim, so I meant to use more of that. However, after only an hour, my foot was beginning to get cramps. And, no, I was not swimming that whole time. A bit of trouble with my goggles leaking and being unfit made it a swim, rest, repeat thing. But, I did swim as much as I could. I had meant to swim more but as I said, cramps. Then, as I got out, my left leg cramped. As I was trying to soothe that, the other leg got jealous, and the foot yelled out a time or two more. I must be doing something right. Today, however, I will not be napping… at least for as long as I may stay up. I have a few phone calls to make, as I had mentioned. I have already made one of them and hope to make another very shortly. The others will have to wait until I can either find the numbers or get other things straightened out or both in a few cases.

I also enjoyed the walk last night, and then again not so long ago. I might have to take another if I am feeling a little sleepy. It does not really wake me up, but it does keep me from sleeping. Oh, the library! My dinner mate suggested a book, “Kissing Dating Goodbye”, I believe. It is a Christian based guide to change the old habits relating to dating into techniques for seriously looking for a spouse. I am sure I have hold backs, foibles, and such. My whole system, to this point, has been catch and release, whether I meant it to be or not I think. And though I think I have changed some of that, having a little help sorting out successful and unsuccessful manners, ways, romancing could be essential.

Wow, what a week. I think I still want to wrap up a few things, like finishing the weight training program for the next six weeks, making those calls, sorting out a few remaining things here in the apartment while also neatening the place just a tad. But Saturday and Sunday are my days off. Any walking or exercise I do will only be done as a part of some other things I might want to do, avoiding strain and stress really, if trying to stay active and involved. Church is certainly on the agenda. Perhaps I could read my physics and statics books as well. If not without stress, it certainly is without physical strain.

A pleasant walk in the rain.

Yes, that means I did half of my weight training setup. More than half, but that is not the point. After doing so, and with what at first was a gentle pouring of heaven water, I strode through the nearly deserted streets toward a drought or two. Two, if you must be nosy. And, not small those. As well, an order of onion rings and a dessert cup or two… they were quite small. Did I deserve it? You know, I think I did. Was it good for me? In some way, yes. So long as it is not a daily event, I will deal with it.

Tomorrow morning I will go swimming again. I will be swimming on the same days I lift weights, but I think that will work out. Though I might take a nap after swimming until I get my endurance up. And? I have pictures to prove what I look like now, and a few witnesses who will only see me every six months to a year. I am out to prove something. I am not trying to prove that I am strong, that I can be a big man, or any of that jazz. I am out to prove that I am no longer retired, disabled if you must. Through school, through exercise, through social and moral involvements, and more stridently, through a growing strength of character through religious devotion and love for my fellows. Actually, that last is the more difficult.

It is not more difficult because it is a harder task. It is more difficult because, for my part, it must be genuine. I know me, and I know people. I know that sometimes it will be a strain, on my nature. If you do not know, understand I am a warrior, a hunter-killer, a death dealer. If it seems there is no trace of it in my history, you just do not understand. It is in my heart. No matter what else I become, that will always be secondary to my true calling. My memories, my dreams, my day dreams, and my thoughts… they posses me in some ways. Even tamed by therapy, I have no means of denying my nature when duty calls or reality threatens. I am what I am.

Still, I do not live in those times and in that way, anymore, barring dreams and such. I have learned I live in a different place. Even defending myself must be done with reason, or I will kill without more than a flicker of reason. I am a switchblade from behind, a machine gun or shotgun up front, and poison from the mists. Even if I love, care, and hope. This will never really pass, the rest of my life, as a professional if I get there, a husband should that happen, or a father if God sees fit to bless me, these will be secondaries no matter my intent.

Wow, but life has so changed. Now I can be a secondary. I have leveraged enough away from that reality that life may begin anew. I feel more than blessed, I am becoming whole and warm, full of life and willing to share that. I only hope I may not need the old life soon, so that this temporary mend may become more permanent. That reason and love will at least settle my yearning for justice, war, and native combat instincts. Time, the healer of all things, I pray to God this little four letter word is on my side this time.

So, swimming tomorrow. Then a few phone calls, perhaps a walk, a conversation with the neighbor(s), and perhaps a little shopping. Groceries need to be bought, especially since the kitchen is more ordered and dishes are clean. What a wonderful life, a wonderful chance, and a grace to enjoy. I hope you find some sense of this in your little sphere of our shared world. I will speak with Father, before I rest, and ask that we all know and share a little piece of that which I feel, sense, know. Blessings be with you.

What a day!

My sleep schedule seems to have shifted. With the day being as hot as it is, well into the 90’s with that typical low Iowa summer humidity of between 99 and 100 percent (well, close enough ;P), I think my body just adjusts to try and sleep during the coolest times of the day. Even with the central air, and it running gangbangers, my body knows it’s not really that cool and just will not sleep. I tend to sleep less while my sleep cycle is being subverted. I think I had suggested that a way to wake up was to make the house hotter in the morning… Now, this works, but I have no way to do the reverse, and trick my body into sleeping during the hot times of the day. I must admit, until about 5 years ago, my sleep cycles were so messed up that I had no real chance to control them. Sleeping as much as 3 days in a row, consistently, or staying up as long as 10 days (no kidding, stop doubting me when I tell you these things). So, I should be grateful that I am now sleeping daily, that I usually sleep between 4 and 10 hours with 8 being the most common number of eyelid checking times and it is continuous mostly, even if I have not quite figured out how to control when, in the summer anyway.

Still, I got up this afternoon, around 12:00 or 14:00 or something. I did clown around while figuring out what legs are for, again. After 40 some years on this planet, why do I need to go through this every time I wake up still? Anyway, I got to my kneeups, then checked email, blogs, and news, then began making a plan. Several people did not get a call who need a call, though there is no rush on those… still, before I get too backed up, I best get to those. I did visit my barber friend, picked up the shampoo that was on sale and a good supply of it. I am trying out other styles of it, so I got 4 bottles. I usually stock up at sales anyway, so… I was actually just sitting around while he was cutting men’s hair. I felt like I was in a little bit of Americana. You read about people stopping in to the barbers, in times gone by, just to talk sometimes. Well, I did that. He has suggested I stop by now and again, and I plan to do just that. He seems a little busy this week to do anything, but maybe next week we will go out for a draw or maybe a specialty beer at one of the local establishments. I am not sure how set he is, financially, and I certainly do not wish to cause him economic harm, nor can I afford to just buy another’s never ending cup, if I will gladly start off the event with a starter round or two. Well, actually, that is almost as much as I drink these days. Oh well.

After that, I made it downtown in plenty of time to walk around a bit before supper. I am surprised that I can so easily handle the heat and humidity. My strength is there, to some degree, but my endurance is still a little shy. We will see what I can do about that in the time I have. After picking up some cash from an ATM, stopping by another place for a coffee, and then just window shopping on my way to the restaurant, I was in time to be the first in the place. My friend showed up just enough later for me to get cooled down and settled, perfect.

He had not eaten at this place, nor was he familiar with the food. Falafel, hummus, pita bread, and the works. I usually have lamb, skewered, with hummus and eggplant mash (as I call it). I suggested something similar, which he went with. This time, however, I went with the falafel. I think I will stick with the eggplant goo next time, but he did not prefer that. (just in case you were curious?) We talked about a number of things, his family, his children (many daughters, one son who also happens to be the youngest and probably the last). He (or they, or… she mostly) home schools, though they have a strong Catholic home schooling association in this part of the state. There are a number of things I was curious about, aside from these things.

Beyond information regarding home schooling materials including specifically a course in Latin so that I might do self-studies and see if the material works (to my way of thinking), for now, connections later if other things work out, I was curious about prison ministry or outreach, Latin Masses, which will be starting up locally in August, information regarding a number of people with whom I joined the church, and a few other odds and ends. He happened to need help in getting a man moved. One of our parishioners had asked him to help. He does this, on occasion, but will be out of town so he has asked me to help, and further, to go to a nearby city to pick up a truck (all of them locally being taken) and then drive that truck and help move the man. Well, it looks like I stepped into it, but that is what I was planning on doing.

Two years ago I would have said you were mad if you told me what I am and am starting to do. Perhaps, just maybe, I am insane. But I have faith, some energy, a direction, and some serious hunger. That does not mean it will work, but life is not digital, it is analog which means things happen as they do, and we just seem to hold on until we are forced, or best advised and then wisely follow that advice and, let go. Oh, right. I think I am going to get at least some of my work out schedule created tonight. I may never be a 19 year old machine again, but I could do alright. Who knows, maybe I will be even better for my maturity and focus? Meh, I am just looking to be a better man, if I do that, it is good.

Nice, it might be starting to rain and storm. I might have to, after taking care of half of my weight set up configuration, grab my rain gear and head out for a long walk and a beer somewhere. Sounds zippity tasty to me. If I can avoid the lightning... Bah, I would just ride it if it tried anything!

Setups? I think not.

I finally got around to trying to do setups. What I have found is that I cannot do them without assistance. I tried tucking my feet under the couch, but the poor thing cannot hold my feet or itself down. However, I can do leg pull ups. Well, mostly. Let us just say that I cannot quite yet tuck my knees into my chest. With little effort, I can do 40 of these though. I think I will begin doing these on a daily basis. I suspect doing them in the morning, before showering and breakfast, might be the way to go. That game is on. Tomorrow I will begin setting up my workouts for next week.

I was not able to see my barber today. I had something going from 6:00 to 15:00 however, and it did wear me out. I have that on the agenda for tomorrow also. As well, my Catholic intake friend has suggested a 17:15 meal. We will be feasting on a Mediterranean fare, lamb, pita, hummus, and a few other niceties. So, tomorrow looks to be busy too. Good. Even if I do not get everything done, that I work on the list in a reasonable manner, make actual set appointments, and add a few extras like blogging and contacting people, I think I will be fine with that. How much of life really does slip away because we simply cannot do it all? I suspect, regardless of our condition or purpose, intent or honesty, strength or endurance, we are limited little creatures.

I have been thinking about looking over my physics, calculus, and statics books as a preview for this fall. After speaking with my advisor, I feel more confident. I will probably start a little heavier than I had initially thought, then as per her advice, take a lighter (at least according to credits if not according to reality) course load this spring. It looks like I will be taking an intro to physics, statics, and another course this fall. That should put me in the hot seat. I will allow, that first week, a drop if the group seems too steep for a startup. Barring that, I will just have to dig in and go for broke. In the spring, engineering problem solving II and intro to physics II will be on the menu. I need to speak with the V.A. about the suggestions, and a computer, and let them know where things stand. I have had to apply as a returning student and that process will take two to three weeks. *sigh* Still, it is happening, however slowly.

Oh, one thing to note. If you put away childish things and ways, step up to the plate, and nod that you are ready… expect fast and hard balls, even curve balls. I am a bit surprised how quickly people expect you to be playing hard ball once you step out of the dugout, even if they know you just came from the bleachers. If a little intimidating, this time I am a little better prepared, and becoming much more so and faster than ever before. What a world! Should you choose this mission, be ready.

Loverly!

I made it out of bed on time to go swimming. Heck, I was the first one there, arriving even before the people who unlock the door. Interestingly, the people who show up to swim seem to be a little community. They know each other and while talking, one of the ladies started an ice-breaking ceremony. One I have seen before. She did it well enough that I was quite comfortable with it. I do not remember a single name, it was too early and I was a little surprised by the tact, still, I think in time I will become familiar with the group.

My friend showed up, as well, if he was the last to do so. Luckily for me, too. I had forgotten my goggles. I figured I would just live, swim, and learn. Very thankfully, he had a spare set of goggles and he shared. We did not talk much, but that is the way of it. Though I did find out he likes to cross-country ski! I might have to hit him up a time or two, so I do not feel quite so alone in starting that up.

I have an appointment at 9:00. What had been an 11:00 appointment was changed. Fine, I will be there. This is for college arrangements, the final ones hopefully. The young lady has an appointment she cannot miss at 11:00, so she called and left a message. By the time I saw the message, I could only call back and leave a message. It behooves me to be there plenty early, just in case. I can do that.

The swim was quite good. I felt the urge to push, maybe not very hard, but harder than I could have before. I really feel the need to become a much stronger swimmer. What I found was that I have strength but no endurance. Ok, I can work on that. I swam, taking breaks every or every other up-and-back (what I call a full lap). I swam between a half hour and forty five minutes. It really boosted my mood, and seems to have boosted my energy a bit, especially after cooling off. I drove to the place today, but I hope to walk from now on. I just was not sure about time, with an appointment coming up.

I have a few other things to do today, but I plan to stop by my new barber and see when and where he might wish to meet later or later this week. I think I am going to try and get friends to do a lot more exercise and getting out. No friend has enough time, but four, five, even six friends might have the time to become more active, enough to get me going. If this one wants to take a hike here, this one swims these days, that one works out those days, and a friend or two stops by or goes out for a beer, a sandwich, a movie, or to see a band a time or two a week or per month. I am going to not only make friends, but I am going to push them and myself to get stronger and become more active men and citizens. Yes, the idea makes me nervous. Sure, I might miss something, make a mistake, or be a fool. I might not be competitive or might be too competitive… but I think I can handle that or help my friends with that. This is a New Country, I will have to figure this all out, and I plan on it. It has been decades since I have allowed myself to even attempt to gain a circle of friends.

Well, I best get in the shower. Chlorine is nasty, dries the skin, and it stinks. Oh, I really need to get my weights set for getting that started again next week. I really plan to be as tight as I can be next year. Oh, hey, if any of you know of a solid weight lifting guide, I would be glad to hear about it. Remember, I am a beginner, as far as here and now goes. It cannot be too complicated, though if it is in a series, I can handle that. It really has to be specific and pretty spot on, many guides push way to hard, way too fast. If it has a dietary section, that is a huge plus. And, it does not have to be limited to straight weights. If it has suggestions for altering work outs, alternative work outs, and additional ideas regarding getting into shape including low impact, aerobic, and anaerobic exercises, that too would be a plus.

Have a great day! Yeah, I suppose I care, mostly...

Philosophy, science, and religion?

I was listening to Catholic Radio recently. I often do, but something caught my attention. I realize that, posthumously, and oddly, people such as Socrates were canonized. Is that the term? In other words, they were beatified, or perhaps I should just say they were developed as Saints. I presume, since Christ had not been born, the Jewish faith did not allow the inculcation of gentiles, and some of these people’s words, thoughts, and ideas were considered profound, they were brought in, as it were. Still, I struggle with some aspects of this notion.

Among the things which disturb me is the notion that philosophy is equivalent, by some standards, to religious and scientific reasoning, by the church. Science I understand, being a daughter of the church and if kept to a methodology and the body of understandings from that methodology, it is totally within the pale. However, philosophy is something I see as quaint and limited. Whoever argues the best wins the day. There are, certainly, techniques and methods, laws within the field which limit or allow various directions or usages, yet it, in the end, is completely without substantiation. It is whatever is and whatever you, they, or I believe it to be. To me, were the others, within certain constraints, allow one to live and observe the natures of life as if drawing that up a bucket at a time to drink from the bucket full of the sea of life, while philosophy is more akin to trying to do that in a bucket full of holes!

Could I be wrong? Some parts, certainly the intelligentsia within the church, think I am wrong. Could I debate my points? I do not think I need to do so, philosophers such as Stalin and Hitler and Pol Pot have done my work for me. Sure, there was Socrates, but his student, Plato, developed the lisp as a personal style, and I would suggest his adherents for what they are worth, continue in his steps… or tonguings. As well, and back to Socrates, and? Honestly, reading his stuff is boring and stuffy. He reminds me of someone who was far too vested in his own b.s. Being forced to consume hemlock seems far to kind a punishment for being forced to listen to many decades of his “wisdom”.

Perhaps I should go back and re-look at his writings, it has been a few decades. If the Church seems to think there is something in his writings, then perhaps it is I who am mistaken. Still… Zzzzzzzzzz? As well, the problem with the church is that it seems to have tried to become hip in the last few decades… I am not sure that is the way to go either. Just a few thoughts and grumbles… Please, feel free to offer a thought or two. I really am hung up on this. What is worse, every time I avoid the issue since hearing that dreadful radio show, I hear “philosophy” somewhere or see it written, or hear or read something that brings me right back to it. I finally decided to write about it just to get it out of my head! And to give my readers a chance to help an old cripple figure out the meaning of life.

Friends?

Though I am still a bit off, I decided to go out and see what was beyond my doorstep. Some of my exploration was virtual, some of it was real. I missed meeting with the man with whom I traveled to deliver the food and then went on to attend the Monastery. I drove by later, and though he was not home, this time his wife was. So, we talked a bit and I left my name and number in case, like a typical guy (or, like me to put it another way), he had lost my number in the jumble that is life. He called later in the evening and, swimming Wednesday at 6:00 am… if I can make it! But, it is a start and I will do my best.

Somewhere in there, I wrote two emails to other church friends. One of them belongs to a Church group which I attend when possible and the other helped bring me into the Church. I wanted to check the status of the group, and I asked a blunt question. I asked if I was considered too conservative for the group. I have worried about this, but said nothing as this last semester, due to my class then illness and with the weather being so bad even after that, I had not been attending. It turns out this is not an issue. And, it turns out, there is going to be a group event on the Mississippi River, an event I am being invited to attend! I am hoping for no rapids! Though, actually, there might be water skiing… Hmmm, I wonder if the boat can handle me, if so… *splash* *gurgle* Oh well, if that’s my lot. And, the group is beginning to consider when and where for the meetings this year. The second man I emailed also got back to me right away. We had, ages ago it seemed, considered having lunch or dinner again, as we have a time or two in the past. He seems interested and suggested he will need to check his family calendar but will get back to me. It will be after Thursday, however.

This is more like it. I told you, something has changed. If I might still be a little twitchy, if I am still a little bit of a homebody, I am making every effort to change how I live. The inclusion of a circle of friends is a risk, and a huge change. I have, for the most part, eschewed friends on the basis that I was unable to carry my part of the load by staying in contact, being more active in events, and such. I am taking the risk because I want the reward and I believe I can now carry on as if I were a regular Joe. And, as far as it seems, by appearances, I am.

Uhm, oh, by the way, it seems some of those friends of mine are trying to get me in trouble. Married men just seem to like to share their misery, I think. *ducks* I have a lady I am conferring with, but I had hoped to have several ladies to consider. Yes, I play above board. Yes, I am as honorable as a former rogue may be. Life is hard fast ball sometimes, and that does make me anxious. But, it is time to begin playing ball, in every way of it.

Not such a good weekend.

I missed mass Saturday, then I just could not get going in time Sunday. I was a bit ill Sunday, though. I seem to be a little “off” today as well. I could not get things going early today either. I have heard nothing back from a number of emails and a few other contacts. No, not you, but some of the others who asked me to write and then did not respond have me a bit put out. Well, sort of. I do not ever get more than very slightly put out. Whatever, I am hoping I begin to feel better soon.

I did take care of some business over the weekend as well as today. Included in the effort to get going again, I went in and had my hair cut. The fellow who cut my hair is a Lutheran, but he often helps out at my Church (Catholic). We discussed this and a few other things while I was getting a cut. I also wondered if he ever went out for a beer. He suggested he might sometime, so... I miss having pals. I have a few ladies I have some relations with (just friendly) but I have no pals still around.

My appointment is not until Wednesday, regarding college. I have everything else set up, save the college itself. I might try something tonight, or not. They have not indicated what it is I need to do to restart college, that is, whether I need to reapply or whether I merely need to let them know of my intent. They have had this question before them for a month and a half, along with my phone number. I have not received instructions. At least I do not need to tug on the V.A. as well. This does get old, if it is expected.

I have been taking walks, getting out of the house, and trying to just enjoy life. The cave, television, and the computer just are not doing it. I should be getting back up to speed for weight lifting this week too. For swimming, I will have to drop by the local place and see if they have a schedule yet, hopefully for this and next month. Even a few swims a week would be good. After that hard swim, I really feel the need to relearn how to rip through the water. Even as little as I seemed to be doing, I could tell that being a stronger swimmer would have helped… helped a little bit more anyway.

Goodnight.

Weird.

Remember me saying that the V.A. had sent a request for me to register with my doctor’s office for an appointment? I received that about when I returned home. I have not called in, only complained here. I indicated that I had problems complying, not personal, there might just be something wrong with me or some part of my mind or function. As I said, it is not so much that I will not do it as it is that I cannot seem to get it done. Today, I received notice that I have an appointment set up for me for August 18th. Hmm, I did not know they read this. I will take it.

I went for a long walk last night. I was not really going anywhere, I merely left and went in this or that direction. I walked about a mile, in the direction of the flooding, or where the flooding occurred. I am still not sure exactly where the flood was, though it is becoming easier to spot as all of the businesses which were flooded are out of business and the lights in that whole area are out, save perhaps street lights, though I cannot be sure about those yet as I had not paid attention until certain knowledge became transparent to me. I thought I had stumbled into the flood zone, thus the end of business when all of a sudden I realized lights were on and businesses were open. It is odd because believing I was in the flood zone was suddenly depressing, then seeing the businesses open became such a relief. I cannot explain either feeling, I only know I experienced them. I stopped into the legion hall and asked if this was a closed club. I was assured it was not and so I sat and had 3 draughts of Budweiser. The draughts did not affect my walk home in the least, and I was not tired from my walk to point. I suppose I was curious. I also wanted to sit in a place and have those draughts among those I might find some comfort. My recent daring has reminded me where I belong. If these are not mine, for now, they might do from time to time.

It is about time to shower, shave, and get ready for church. I am looking forward to visiting God in the particular home of his which I have come to be familiar. He does call, always. And I am becoming better and listening and obeying. He is my Father, Brother, and Holy Spirit, both big and little caps. I see him in my brothers, and in some ways, in the ladies I know and have known. Though I have 3 sisters who are ministers, and tried to have a woman priest, I find that these are not right. Woman are different and can and should only follow Mary, not Christ. I see what I see and know what I know now, and worry about the particulars less and less even as they become more sure in their own ways.

I think I will be taking a lot more walks. I have found an underpass area which will allow me to more safely travel to the other side of a major highway here. The other side had bike and walking paths which extend into the rest of the city. Though I may be layered in sweat, I see that I can probably walk for many miles without real effort. But that little effort will do me great good. It will keep me in a general form as I use swimming, weights, climbing, and set-ups to become crunches, and perhaps jumping rope to actually go over that little hump of maintenance and into strength, endurance, and other forms of growth. It is time, this is the place, and I am ready. I only hope my mind and education will follow suit.

I must be off. As Catholics, we fast before accepting the Eucharist. We believe the wine and bread become the flesh of Christ. As such, our bodies must be clean and open to this particular sacrament (or is this one a Sacrament, large S?) and make it so by fasting for one hour in advance. In such a way, Christ may more readily bond with us so that we may more surely walk his way and do his will. Though I remain confused and unsure about many things regarding life and the church, what I am sure about I do and when I am able to do so, I learn more. I think the older ways of the Church were better and as such, I seek some of these out. I am trying to gather information regarding regular fasting, practiced on some particular days and also done as a silent personal form of contrition. I am looking at older dietary considerations, such as meatless Fridays, or particular Fridays. Some have said this last was released as Christ had indicated dietary laws were no longer necessary… but this was never really a law, only a sign of respect for the day upon which our Lord was crucified. I think it was something personal which became institutionalized, which the lazy hippies of our group decided to dispense with as inconvenient. Secularism creeps in everywhere.

Well, time to shower, now, most certainly. I really am off!

More today, then, thankfully, a Saturday.

I was up late last night, too late. My nurse visited yesterday and set up my medicines. I did not start them yesterday, it just did not happen. Today, however, though I arose late as might be expected, I took my “8:00” meds whenever it was that I woke up. I have since taken my afternoon meds and will take my last pill before I go to sleep. My blood pressure and blood sugar were a little high yesterday, though I think, in spite of not taking my meds well on my trip, these things were good. I did actually check my blood pressure a week ago at my mother’s home, well, the last mother I visited that is. It was 136/86 or something close. I did not check my blood sugar, but I can tell it was low. Still, I have been eating fast food, enjoying some treats, and being a slug since I returned to my own home. Yeah, I needed it, yeah, I am going back to healthy soon (as soon as I can dig my sorry butt out of the mess I have here at my home). It is getting better, but.

Today I was able to get a number of tasks completed. I arranged an appointment with an engineering school academic advisor, however, she is not top notch. I really need to get in far enough that I can speak with a real advisor. The one I am meeting is too busy and disinterested to help at all. With the difficulties I have had with school, it may be difficult to find any real help. However, I am pretty sure no one has had any real interest in bringing me in and guiding me from the beginning. Perhaps that is simply how colleges are these days. Professors and advisors are too interested in research, political activism, and hedonism to bother with students or studies. Perhaps I am a bit cynical, perhaps I have reasons to be as such.

Still, today I ensured the last of my transcripts would be sent to the university in time for that meeting. As well, I hand wrote and snail mailed two letters and some money, along with a belonging which mistakenly traveled with me after my first stop. I also wrote three emails, did a bit of work in the cave here, and went out to do a number of those things. I have not yet set up my weights for next week, so that may be off for another week. I am still a bit sore though I am feeling less and less tired. So, while I set my workouts up next week, I will probably begin to hike, figure out the swimming schedule at the local place offering adult swim times, and see about the rest of my life.

I have tried to get an appointment with my new doctor, a man I have not yet met. The V.A. keeps trying to set it so that they send a reminder to call and set up an appointment, leaving me with arranging the thing. I, simply put, will not do that. I expect to have an appointment arranged, and if that time and date does not work, then I will reset. If they cannot do this, I will probably stop going. I simply seem unable to work that way. Exactly, I do not call back. A personal problem perhaps, but one that is known and documented. This too will be cleared up on my next visit, or not.

I have heard nothing back from the emails I sent out over this last week, so I am a bit frustrated. I have been happy to be blogging again and it does feel good to be home. I am still a bit frazzled, uncertain how to get it all together again, but it is coming. However, I have a belief like I have never had that my life is back in a swing. Not the old part-time college and life swing, but an upper level out-of-the-field swing. If I can connect this with the ball I will win big. I will end my disability. I may even go on to graduate school or law school. This is huge. ...*ignore the complaining*...

My libido and me.

Remember when I said my libido was turned on by unregulated swim? Yeah, well, I decided to write about it. I live an honest humble life but that does not mean I lead a sheltered life, lie about my realities, or hide in a prudish realization I attempt to actualize. I suppose what I am saying is that I am and I write about what and how I am, to include material that is adult and based in truth.

After the River, a capital letter seems appropriate as that River was alive and named, and after a few days of recovery, my body came alive like I have never seen. Sure, my sex drive has always been healthy. For a 40 plus year old man, I am more like a 20 something that way. No woman who chooses to take my hand will walk away with unmet needs regarding marital affections. Hmm, my guess is even before this she would be hoping for something to save her from those affections… a phone call (not), a baby crying in the night (not, they need to learn independence), but she might well have hope and I would grant that as possible. But now I have the drive I had as a teen, a strong healthy hardy male teen.

I could not get sex off my mind the rest of the trip, and to this day, my little friend does not remain in his place. Whether it is my mind or my body which refuses my control techniques, I cannot be sure. Why, yes, if you ask, I have spent years practicing control of my manhood and for many and varied reasons. For one thing, an always on sex drive drains my mind and body. It is a massive user of concentration, memory, and decisiveness. I wanted material control of my flesh. As well, I made some mistakes in my youth, and I was set to not repeat them. Wives of unknown men were one thing, but when I destroyed two friendships at once (hers, and because of this her husband’s), I decided to change my ways in my early 20’s. For the most part, if not perfectly though definitely better through time, I became a more civil gentleman. Now, I worry, but so far so good even after the trip (if that last just barely).

Still, on the way back, I decided to buy condoms just in case. I remembered how uncomfortable condoms were from my past, and probably why I rarely used them. So, this time, I looked through the selections carefully. My last gal had said I was small, which had always worried me, but I let that go and started my search my way. In looking, I found they had different sizes! In the first place I looked, feeling like a guilty teen, I saw a large size. I bought three, the smallest group I could find. Later, I tried one. With little effort to rise to the occasion, actually with no effort, I tried the device. Still too tight! Had my girlfriend just been being mean? In any case, through the end of my travels, I began looking for bigger. In the end, the largest I could find was XL, from Trojan. Still too small, I can tell. I am now on a bit of a quest to find what size really fits and if they make them.

Luckily, happily, sort of, I have had no use for these. And, at this time, I have no intention of becoming intimate. *prays to God* I have a hope that I will not be intimate again until I marry, and then it will be only with her, again, God willing. But, I would like to know just how big this thing really is. I am now looking for a size 2XL and 3XL. I am pretty sure one of those will fit. I still have no idea why my last lover said this thing, other than to be mean. Do not worry, she has paid for her meanness. That story would be too much information and had nothing to do with my will or any misdeed on my part, but it does give me some small pleasure. Okay, grudges are bad, but…

Wow, did I really write that? Yep, and it is true. If you read this far, and have any kindness and propriety left to you, pray with me. Pray that I can resist these youthful urges and keep my pen in my pocket until I have the correct medium upon which to pen my future! Oh, and if you might know where such sizes of devices might be acquired, send me an email. This is not for pride, call it a scientific inquisition.

The River.

White-water rafting has always been something in the back of my mind. Call it an interest, call it a yearning, the idea of cold water, paddling, and the thrill of it has been something for which I have a known interest. Until this year, I had no means of participation. The last two or three years I have seen the opportunity yet for financial or other concerns, I just could not make the trip. This year was different, this year it all came together for the first time.

My drive to Colorado Springs was long if uneventful, minus a detour I coasted through and only happily if accidentally ended up completing correctly. My host and hostess, as well as the complex family explained as et. al., were gracious and beneficent. The days I had to rest and relax after the long drive were essential, and offered great strength and a good start to the craft of white-water rafting. Thank you much, if you happen to be reading this.

The first day of rafting started early, though I was awake and ready easily, as were all of our company. A fine breakfast, a few introductions, and a pleasant drive lead us to our outfitters for gearing up, changing, and a bus ride to our let-in point. Our group was too large to fit one boat, so some of us larger men were split off and the rest of our group along with a few people not in our core group were gathered for another raft. We went on two runs of the same area, with lunch and a bus ride back up to our original let-in point, between runs. The runs were fun, and for our two raft, the going was good. Still, one boat capsized and was re-congregated , two were lost from another raft and were re-joined to their crew, and a guide spilled out of yet another craft. In spite of the milder ride, there was much excitement. The water was high, high, fast, dangerous, if fun, even for this lighter venue.

After the day, the 12 of us on the trip (11 or 12?), retired to our mutual host’s and hostess’ abode for dining, cigars, and some drink. Stories were told, fibs might have passed, and much reveling and laughter and thought was passed around. No, not so much a juvenile party as a family gathering, and a joyous one. As time passed, parts of the group parted, and through time the group dwindled to 5 hearty souls for the next days sojourn to heavier waters and more serious concerns therein. As I slept that night, I came to dark foreboding. I did not see death, nor myself, in the premonition, so I said nothing. What was there to say and what would have been done about it? Foolishness, thought I, as I arose and rubbed the sandman’s leavings from my eyes to join the rest for morning's feast.

Though we seemed to have started a bit late, we arrived in time to easily dress and gear out. We stowed what was to be left and boarded the bus for our ride. Today had a more somber note, and I had a bit of that dark feeling remaining, not all of it having gone with the sands of sleep. We spoke as we rode to our place of rafting departure, but in more subdued tones. We all knew pride this day would be folly, even I of the immature nature. When we arrived at the put-in point, our guide went over the rules, survival techniques, and advisories as we had the previous day (though on the previous day I could not hear well due to my lateness in prepping, the crowding, and being around behind the speaker due to the crowding). This day I listened, and intently. Some things stuck with me, held me in their sway, and kept council in my thoughts then on. The water was high and particularly dangerous. This was already a serious run, now more so. If one were to get in the water, getting the feet downriver and head upriver, while lying flat until a better option presented itself or instructions were given was the way to go. If we were to go in the water, keeping our feet off the bottom of the river and out of places where feet might lodge was essential. How to use the paddle as a means of getting or helping another into the boat was discussed. I listened, and closely. Today, I was a bit afraid. There is no reason not to have fear when it is warranted, so long as it does not become overwhelming in itself. I was ready.

Our gear checked, PFDs fitted, and all set, we headed into the water. Instead of a flotilla, today we had only two raft, it was a tighter harder game, and the numbers showed it. The first part of the run was easy. Our guide practiced various paddling instructions, everything from 2 forward, 2 back, 2 left 2 back right, the reverse, left (lean), all left, and as well for right (meaning we either all lean one direction or even all pile into one side of the raft or the other). The breezy part of the ride ended soon enough. A few serious though separated rapids, a couple of 2 to 4 foot waterfalls, and then longer and longer stretches of white-water. I was wearing, but was still doing well enough, we all were.

Porta Vita! You had to be there, some of you were.

The rest comes as my memories exist. I have gathered these from others, myself, and over time, as all of them were not completely and immediately available to me, even a day after the ride. Here it goes.

As we were getting into a serious run after a series of serious but shorter runs, we were called on to paddle 2 forward, then again, 2 forward. The last two rowings made me nervous. I am still unsure if my paddle was merely hitting the river floor or rocks then being twisted by the rush of water, or if merely the rush of water was acting so harshly against my paddle that it was causing me imbalance. However, I knew that there was some kind of problem. The call came for two forward once again, and against my better judgment, I paddled as ordered to the best of my ability. This time, however, the paddle pulled and, trying to keep it, I came unbalanced. My feet were firmly installed in the raft’s stirrups though, and I was sure I would be able to sit up. How hard could that be? But either because of the way the raft was leaning with my weight out, or if the raft was in a spiraling swirl, I will never know which, I could simply not sit up. The physics of the thing was impossible as I was trying. Then a wave of water came over me, and I felt myself leaving the raft!

Fine, I knew it was happening, in time to think about it. I decided when It was completed, I would simply and quickly grab the strap around the raft. Right? No, the raft was gone! It was at least 3 feet out of my grasp and I was underwater in spite of the PDF. Waterboy attempted to send me the t-handle of his paddle, as we had been shown, but I could not see well and both of us seemed to be bobbing in the water at odd angles. Two down, there would be other chances. It was a matter, now, of getting enough air, and doing whatever I could to get up, or out, or onto something, anything. Swish, down the river I went. During this time, I remembered that right before this series of rapids, our guide had said if we fell, we were to try to get to the right as the left was a cliff. I also remember trying to get in the position recommended for safety. At times, when I tried to swirl into that position, my feet hit bottom, and on two or three occasions, my right foot nearly stuck! I have bruises on top of my foot and cuts on my shin which showed how close that was. I knew, as I never could have imagined, how absolutely fatal that would have been. It would have snapped my leg and drowned me like that. I can only assure you, when I felt my foot getting stuck, I kicked hard, fast, furious, and won my freedom and life.

On I went, like in the largest washing machine, lined with boulders, you can imagine. I was smashed against my back, my knee got a couple of really good hits, and though I did not realize it at the time, even my head did get hit hard. Still, I was trying. I finally did make it to that right side. There was slabs of rock, and I got my arms over onto them and sought anything to grab onto, cracks, crevices, deformations, ANYTHING. For 15 to 20 feet, I tried to gain hold. I was sucked down and past and back into the river. Somehow I ended up on the left side of the thing, and trying to right myself into good position, my feet dragged bottom again, and as I yanked my foot free again, I went under. This time, I could feel nothing. I went down and deep. I have heard I was down for 40 or more, they could not see me in the rafts. I surfaced again and again, tried to get to the right. The safety guy, in a kayak with rope handholds on the back of his craft told me to swim to him and grab on. Try as I might, it would not happen. I was so very tired by this time, and the river so potent. He started running into trouble, so he told me to swim back to the raft. I looked back, but could only see the trailing raft. I knew I could not get to that. I got into position and tried to get air and some energy back.

I was afraid. I was alone. But I had not given up. I did need to get energy back, and I was afraid even more so when I realized getting into the boat would be difficult being this tired. Yes, I was afraid. So many lost opportunities, missed chances, and false hopes. Dig, for whatever that even means, dig.

Then I felt it. Someone had grabbed hold of me from behind. He tried to pull me up, but he could not do it. He turned me around, pulled again, and this time I grabbed anything I thought would help and pulled with whatever I had left. The river did not want to let me go, and the struggle was incredible. Finally, spent, I was in the raft, in the back, with my head down in the base of the craft, my body main lying over a couple of the cross-member tubes. I was too exhausted to move, yet we were still in rapids! The water came over the sides and I was once again under water! I was too tired to do anything but look through the water and hope I would not drown right in the raft. After a short, last, series of rapids, we found calm water and pulled to the side, both rafts linking up and over to the shore.

They did an initial check. Then, by nature of medical experience, had me lay still for a good long time. I did fuss, and as I got energy, I forced myself to get my head out of that water pocket, just in case we lost our stop and went through rapids again. They did not understand, and I did not have the energy to explain, so I just did. I explained I have been through enough trauma that I knew what was wrong and that there was nothing seriously injured, just some bumps and bruises, with a few scrapes to add injury to injury. As it turned out, I was correct. After a 15-20 minute stop, some much needed air, and a bit of warming, much to the surprise of most of the party, I went back to a seat where I could help row out the last series of rapids, and then I did so.

One of our crew suggested that the only man he had seen go that far and long and survive had been medivaced, I assume due to broken parts. Another suggested it was something incredible that I lived. Our guide downplayed the thing, though later, when I finally asked if he thought I was coming out alive, he looked at me, looked down, looked back at me and said “No.”, then looked away and never looked my way again.

It seems not many take an unregulated half mile swim in class IV white-waters and come out whole and hale, especially not a 20 year gimp. Perhaps when God got me on the fishing line, he just decided I was not worth keeping, yet. I dunno, but I do know I changed. My libido has been that of a 19 year old (though I have remained chaste, barely). My drive for life, and my push toward success, have also been jacked up. I cannot say it will last. I do not know what it all means. But I am going to take it for all it is worth. I also know I plan to go back, I am good with it.

By the way, I did not lose my glasses or sunglasses. I did lose a shoe though. I bought a t-shirt which states "It's all funny until someone falls out, then it's hilarious". I plan to make a simple shrine with the remaining shoe and the t-shirt to remember a simple miracle and an incredible (hopefully) once in a lifetime ride.

I am home. Part II

After leaving Las Vegas, and then passing through Utah, I ended my drive in one of my old home towns. In particular, the town where I was a foster child for many years. It was a good foster home, excellent to be honest. I had called my foster mother before leaving on the trip, several weeks before leaving, but I had not called since. With my hopes of off-roading unmet and the improbability of meeting with my new lady friend in Utah having proven to be non-functional, this was my next logical place to be. I drove here, then stayed in a hotel overnight, having arrived so late. I placed the call to my mother while parked at the intersection of the highway that had brought me here and the street she lived on.

Happily, she was home and was quite pleased to hear from me. When she finally understood that I was just down the street, she gave me her address and invited me over. She gave me the wrong address, I was sure. But I checked it out anyway. It was were we had lived when I was her foster child. She is 82 or so, and I am sure I brought back memories from that time, so I fully understood. I thought I remembered where she had moved, and I was correct. I knocked on her door and it was a fine reunion. I spent several days here, asking many questions, sharing meals, and just enjoying our time together. She had other affairs to attend, so in the interims allotted by that I drove around town looking at the schools I had once attended, the places I remembered, while also looking for clues as to former classmates and friends.

I found little success, yet mother was busy with her own re-introductions. We went to church and I met some of the older church members, some I remembered by face, though a few names were at least recognizable. As well, she set about an invitation for breakfast with the mother of one of my good friends, and a lunch with my oldest foster brother and his family. The lunch went well, and I was able to speak for some great time with both my foster brother and his son. His son had been only a boy, now grown and a doctor. As I have learned, both of my foster brothers children are now doctors, family care both. I had not known his wife well, they married after his first wife died which was after I had moved away. So, it was pleasant to meet her. A fine meal, really good indeed, was served. The following morning, we ate breakfast with my friend’s mother. She brought over a yearbook from my graduating class and began to fill me in. She has maintained an incredible amount of information regarding my class mates and I was amazed and happy to hear all that she knew. Her son, my friend, lived in a town nearby, but when asked if she should set up a meeting, I at first indicated a no as I believed he lived far out of the way. Later, as I was preparing to leave, I looked over the map. Gladly, I realized I would be driving right through the town where not only he lived, but were my high school sweetheart also lived and worked! On the road, again, but with plans to at least see my old friend.

Arriving in this new town, near where my girlfriend from the past worked, my friend and I talked just a bit. We decided to go get a bite to eat. I did not want to check on my gal pal, as I just thought the mix of work, surprise, and already opening this new line to the past all combined was a bit much. So, we headed to a place, which happened to be closed. There was a secondary place nearby, so we walked to it. While discussing the past, present, and future, all bets against it, in walks my old girlfriend with some guy. They are seated outside of our view. I hurry my meal a bit, and he chides me to go over. I will get there, I assure him, though I think he thinks I was going to chicken out. I broke up with her, in large part because she wanted marriage and I wanted sex, and the two would not be crossed back in the day, so I was a bit nervous. I did, finally, wander over. Her and the man she was eating and speaking with seemed to be in a cold scene, with little pleasantness occurring. Still, I walked up and asked if she recognized me. By the way, she looks good, like she had not aged a day, though with an added cup size or two (woot!). She did not recognize me, perhaps not even my friend except vaguely seeing him as someone she sort of remembered or knew. I introduced myself. Her eyes lit up and, it seemed to me, she smiled with her whole being. We shook hands, sort of, and she introduced the man she was with as her ex-husband. Recently ex, to be sure and from what I had already heard. We shared a few moments, and smiles, but it was not exactly the time to start necking or something, so we excused ourselves and hurried on out, having finished and paid for our meal (thanks, friend, and I do use the term ‘friend’ lightly) (inside yearbook joke).

In any case, a gal pal of my friend had asked for some help and my friend asked if I would help. Sure, so we went over and helped. There was not a great deal to do, but it was fun. We had a few beers, talked, and just shared some good company. He is the city attorney and she does something with welfare or child custody, but are really just work friends. His girlfriend kept calling, and after about the third time, he just started ignoring her calls. His girlfriend is also an attorney, it seems, but neurosis can strike anywhere, if you ask me. *laughs* It had become quite late, so my friend invited me to crash at his place. That worked well, so I stayed over. We stayed up late talking and laughing, catching up where one of us knew something and just comparing ideas. The next morning, he had to be to work so he let me know what food was available and gave me his contact information and then headed out. I took a shower, relaxed in front of the tube for a show as I am a bit road weary at this point, then I took off. About two hours into my trip, he called and asked if I would be around for a few more hours. I had to, sadly, decline. The road had claimed me and backtracking would have eaten at least an hour of those two hours as well.

On to Wyoming, to by birth mother’s home I traveled. It turns out that it was a good thing I had not stayed longer with my friend. I did remember where my mother lived and worked. Having had difficulty contacting this mother, I worried that she might not still be living there. So, I went to her work first, and asked about her. When I mentioned her name, they asked if I meant so-and-so. I was not sure, but thought it could be, especially after they told me she retired (it seemed to be the right age). Plus, when we agreed about where she lived (or had lived), it all came together. On to her home I went. She was there and seemed happy to see me. She gave me a hug and invited me in. As I entered, I noted that her bags were packed for something. It seems she was getting ready to go somewhere as her oldest official son was to be married this fall, and there was some sort of mutual family gathering. We spent an hour or so talking and catching up. She, it seems, never moved or changed her phone nor did she de-list her number. I was looking for her using her maiden name, my bad. She is getting older and life is more difficult for her, but she still seems well enough. I also found out the other Jeff, my other half brother, committed suicide. She seemed to disbelieve this as much as she is unsure whether I am her son. I suggested, since she is no longer working and lives in the county of my birth, that with her and me both willing to sign things, she could do a more exhaustive search of the paperwork. Barring that, we could also do a maternity genetic test. I need to find out how much that would cost. For my part, I am sure she is my mother. I also asked what she thought of me taking, legally, my birth father’s last name as my own. She is torn on that issue, but I will or will not do so on my own. I just thought I would run that by her. After an hour, I could see that it was about time for her ride to show up. So, I asked for her information and promised to keep better contact and, after a few more hugs, I headed out the door.

Though it was getting later, I decided to press on and see how far I could get toward the home of my last mother, my adoptive mother. I ended up actually driving 18, on top of the two hours looking up and then talking with my birth mother. I had meant to shut down if I could find a place to stay, but the first three towns with places to stay were either full, closed, or simply had full parking lots. Sheldon, Iowa was where I was able to find lodging. At 4:00, I drove in, got a room, and asked them to set an alarm. They offered me a little extra time, setting it for 12:00. However, I know an alarm did not go off, so they let me sleep even more. Leaving at closer to 13:00, after having awaken fearfully at 12:45 and rushed to shower, dress, and head out, the register lady was quite pleasant and relaxed about my lateness.

Thankfully, it would be a short drive to my mother’s home, wherever that might be at this point. She had, a week prior to my trip and throughout my trip, been telling me very troubling things. She had indicated that she had sold her house, and that she was going to give my brother and myself some of the proceeds, then use the remaining amount to buy a place. Then she indicated that she was going to use all of it on a new place, but it did not make sense as the “new place” actually only cost a quarter of what she was selling her home. Then, she indicated that it was all done. She was drinking every time I talked to her, as well. I was terrified that she had sold her old house, purchased poorly, then had gambled the rest away! She is impossible to talk to when she has been drinking, so I never pursued that while I was on the road. A quick call and I learned that all might not be lost. She, at least for the moment, was still at her main old home, and she asked me to stop there, and stay there while home.

I showed up and she was there. Fit as a fiddle, messing around on her computer, and very sober. As it turns out, I am glad I just let things go until I could talk to her, face to face. Not only has she not sold her place (yet), she has not bought into the place she was thinking of buying into, and she has actually made alternative plans. I think she realized her drinking had become a bit of a problem as well, as her new plans included getting away from that scene (and moving to a town where she does not like the bar!). She used to drink much, but had been doing far better that last 3 years for sure, and more like 10 to 15 years. During this sobriety, we had become very close. And, whether she knew it or not, if her drinking was to pick up, I would have been done with her except to call (if she was sober) to see about her. In any case, one huge worry gone.

We spent a few days talking, I learned of her plans, and I heard about my “brother’s” call and her response. I certainly support much of what she is doing or trying to do. I see she has made some good choices, and I think her plans will work out well. I am a bit peeved about the inheritance, but I will get over that if it does not pan out. It is not so much the money as being told with surety that money is on the way and planning around it only to have it disappear. Still, if she really needs the wad, good for her. She is my mother, not my banker. I do worry about her though, drinking is a serious problem, time is passing, and options close that may never be available again. For this, I pray.

After my time there, I returned home. That was the shortest drive of the trip, and gladly so. I had to put bedding back on my bed, unpack for the most part, begin laundry, and set up an appointment with an academic adviser. I have a remaining bill to pay, which I think I will send out this evening even though it will not go out until tomorrow, and many other things crowding in and vying for my time, energy, and money. But, it is very good to be home in spite of it being a miraculous trip.

I am home.

I tried to email and blog on the road, however, that did not work. Now that I am home, I have many things to do. Blogging is the first, if perhaps the least, of those things. Yet, it is a good beginning. By doing this, I will let all those who look know at once that I am indeed returned in health and vigor and safety to my humble abode.

The trip went nearly as planned, only one element failed. The driving ended being not 12 hour drives, but more in the range of 14 to 18 hour drives, yet they came off without a hitch. As well, a few unforeseen elements became handsome parts of my trip. I will attempt to share what occurred, in a very general form, later to blog on specific components of the adventure which require their own forms.

I did begin my westward advance on Wednesday, June 18th at 23:00. My first destination was Colorado Springs. Two out of three of my email confirmations indicated, to my first host, that I would be arriving Thursday, June 19th. However, in my rush my final email indicated I would not be arriving until Friday. In any case, my host was gracious and recovered my erroneous action and allowed it to become a simple thing. We spent that afternoon discussing life and becoming acquainted. He has a wonderful family, a fine ‘establishment’, and the lot there made for a very comfortable stay. I am not sure what they were expecting from me, or whether I fit the bill as I write. For my part, I was somewhat surprised by those I met. I thought I had left my mind open, yet I find that I had not. In final analysis, I was pleasantly surprised, even going in with high expectations as it turns out.

We spent part of that first day running errands in preparation for the larger groups and the main of the compliment that were to arrive through time. The following day, after a fine breakfast (our host and hostess put out meals of great value and worth, seemingly effortlessly), an assorted group of us, including two of us early arrivers, our host, and two kinsman of our host, left for a visit to Pike’s Peak. There was good company and conversation, dry and not so dry humor, conversation, and a beginning to mutual introductions. The day drive was dotted with stops for sight seeing, information regarding the area, Pike’s Peak, and separate interesting events regarding transmission fluid and break heating. We had quite a large group, perhaps half of a football team’s starting line, in the vehicle. But quite a good day to be sure.

People began arriving as we returned and throughout the day and evening, I believe right up until the next morning. We all seemed to just wake up on time, and get in for breakfast. I myself had no alarm clock, so I was a bit surprised that I did not need a call. After breakfast, we packed up and headed toward our first rafting experience. Water was high, and many parts of this particular run were not open, so we took the run available, then when we finished it, we were served lunch and bused back to our initial put in point for another run. Our groups, those in my boat and those in the boat with the rest of our group, did well. However, there was one boat which capsized, one boat lost two members, and another boat lost it’s guide. All these were recovered, and the show, as it were, went on. At the end of the day, some headed home, many stayed a while and we ate a good meal, smoked various things, and drank many other things.

Ok, so you caught me. I did smoke cigars while there, and probably will every time I visit. My bad. Anyway…

The next day we needed to be up earlier. There were few of us left, 5 actually. We, again, consumed a fine morning fare, geared up, and mounted for our ride to the outfitters. I had a odious premonition. I did not think it was about me, I did not think it involved death, and either way I was not sure I should say anything, so mum I was. On we drove, arriving in plenty of time to suit out, lock our gear in the vehicle, then load into the bus for an expert white-water event. It seems as if we were much higher. And, being cloudy that day, were it was not the day before, those two last seemed to result in much colder water. For now, all I will say was… my premonition turned out to be mostly correct… and we had one hell of a ride and day. Some of us more than others? More to come about this in a separate blog.

That evening there was, again, great cheer, food, drink, and smoke. One of our number needed a small hospital visit, one of our lot was a bit bruised, sore, yet pleased, and all of us came away a little different. Though one of this last group had to go, I think a bond was created, it was good.

The next two days, our host needed to work, so his gracious lady escorted the two remaining visitors, myself included, around Colorado Springs and the surrounding areas. Aside from visiting various areas within CS, we also explored a park which may or may not have been in CS, a nearby town I believe named Manitu Springs (which actually has several artisan wells offering carbonated and not mineral waters free for the sampling), a hiking visit to the petrified redwood forest (well, a kin to redwoods), and finally to Cripple Creek (a gambling town on the other side of Pike’s Peak). Though I should have slept the last day so that I would be ready for what ended up being a 14 hour night drive through the mountains, then into Utah, and then finally to Las Vegas, I pushed on and then pushed on.

Leaving late and after a long day of hiking, walking, and driving, I headed to Las Vegas. I am glad I left at night, though if I do it again, I might leave earlier. As soon as the sun goes down would be about the best time to leave, as the sun sears the path to Las Vegas when it is up. I was so very drowsy on the way, I should have stayed another day or rested along the way, yet I was trying to make my schedule. I made it, hot, thirsty, and tired, but on time.

My friend and I had some talk, a bit more scotch, a cigar or two, and some good meals. The heat was impressive, yet I seemed to do fairly well until I needed to cool down and could not a time or two. I just suffered through and came out fine. I figured out a trick or two as well, but nothing to write home (or here) about. Though a little hint about one thing is, like with extreme cold, move slowly and deliberately in order to avoid breaking a sweat. He was between trips, literally having just gotten back from a two week trip, while being required to do a load of graduate level work and catch up as he could before again heading off on another two week trip (both trips being academically oriented, so almost all work and thought with little time for play or anything else). I think his work is stressful, as he is a bit grumpier than last I knew him. Though I think the heat and the travel were playing their part. Fine, fine, still, it was quite good to see him. I do think of him as a younger brother, maybe a smarter one in certain fields, but so be it. Well, at least he knows I mean it, sometimes, when I suggest I ought to visit sometime.

While there, I looked up my “brother”. I gave him one more chance to make amends, no fault. He rebuffed my offer and so I left. As I was leaving, he asked who had told me where to find him. I admitted it was my mother. I realized as I was leaving that, without some warning, this buffoon would verbally assault my mother for having given me this information, so I made sure to call her and warn her. For once, I think the woman held her own against the ogre. He called her at work and, as he usually does but with added furor as I have come to find out, he scorned and howled at this woman who had changed his diapers, fed him, clothed him. He demanded to know how she could betray him like this. This time, she told him to stop and back off, especially while she was working like a dog to make ends meet, and suggested he look up the work betrayal. Perhaps he should consider what his part in betrayal really is. I was proud of her. One door closed, for my part. I just hope she does not lose access to the grandkids she so dearly loves.

However, my visit to Vegas was fantastic. I do not gamble or anything. It was visiting a friend and learning more about the physical nature of Vegas, reading a bit about it’s history, and learning what my friend is studying and about his research. I had a lot of fun catching up, debating a bit, and seeing where he is in life. I ended up staying an extra day. At first my friend was really put out with this. In the end, I think he was glad for it for some reason. Whether the tweakiness of the heat, travel, and study put him out or whether I interfered with something, I am not sure. It all worked out and we left on good terms.

The reason I stayed a day longer was due to the fact that the off-roading fell through and I was just plumb tired. There were two off-road trips planned by members of the group with which I had been in contact, but both were class 4 or class 4 to 5 trips. Both of those require a great deal of experience or that plus a modified “rig”. I had neither. In spite of more than a months advance of asking for a beginners ride, the group failed. I will, the next time I get out that way, have my own plans. I will begin doing research and I will have a number of places I could go and just check with the group as to whether the areas are open or not. I will then post a number and an invite and plan on going alone. It was a bit disappointing, but it happens.

On my way through Utah I almost considered trying to make contact with someone I have been writing. She was disappointed that I had not been able to fit her into my plans, but I did not realize I would be coming through Utah until far too late. I had done time and distance planning, but I had not actually looked at the map prior to my planning. And, though I could have gone on to see her, I had absolutely zero plans as to how, where, when, or even if we could have made a connection. As well, I had no means of getting an email out on the fly like that (it seems I can only receive emails in some spots and with my phone). I was ready to begin my last stages of coming home, as well. I was tired, it was time.

The last bits to come soon, when I rest a bit. And, of course, some interesting tidbits to follow that as well. Oh, some of you will be receiving emails, a check, many thanks, and all that through various media too. Just, be a little patient, I am delicate, dontcha know?

The Attack on Whitey.

Recently, and previously, I have bitten, and harshly, those who attack my majority ethnicity as it is commonly construed. Why defend something I am not even close to being wholly or purely? Because it is closer to good and kind and just than the options. If you do not believe me, than pick a nation of an ethnicity other than which I speak of which you would choose to move. Find one nation with a different racial or religious majority that is more generous to their minorities, most of those differing nations being nearly genocidal to us and others and quite often their own. Then to have diverse racial equality or even superiority shoved at me every day from the left is enough to make me turn away, forever, from their positions on this, and everything else, in disgust. But to then have “conservatives” offer up that plate of feces as if they were offering me the holy grail just ends the deal. I will leave them a little gift in their comment plates. Hopefully, they will understand. But, I am seeing, most Americans are too blinded to their stupidity to be saved. Perhaps there are no more real conservatives who actually believe merit is how a man, regardless of race, religion, or whatnot should make it?

Am I a racist? If I am forced to choose, yes. I know which side of a locked wall I want to be on. If you do not, good on you but do not expect my help or respect. Especially if you decide to artificially support the group you have chosen to join. If you obviously choose to disrespect my apparent race, if our races are the same, in order to be included in some other racial group, you will do so without my blessing and with a verbal stick in your eye. I will let you know that it is not acceptable to disrespect my race (sex, religion, or anything else) for your folly. You want friends of a different race, cool. You racially debase yourself (thus me) to have those friends, again, a poke in the eye. I hope that verbal poke leads to intellectual and spiritual inflammation. For, surely, you are already poisoned and sick. And, you could never have been my friend to run down our race for your “new friends”. Beyond, if they were your friends, they would not want such a thing. It is grotesque. You are the worst form of racist, the one who starts at home. Is not the best and worst of any virtue or evil the one that starts at home?

My new neighbor seems to be an example of the bias against white people in society today. She is white, as are her two or three girlfriends. All of them seem to be single, yet most are pregnant and already have a black kid each. They seem to be being hit so hard about being white they do not even bother hooking up with their own, instead, offering themselves and their womb in apology for slavery they had nothing to do with to people who probably were not even related to slaves. It is so common here, and sad. I guess that is public education, but then again, even private schools have been invaded by this multicultural sickness.

Now, I am going to ask this once. Show me one part of the multicultural disease which has helped any part of society? Has it improved public education in any way? Has it reduced crime? Has it created a better work force? Has it strengthened social bonds? Has it improved international cooperation? Has it brought about God’s will? If you cannot say yes to any of these, and give sterling examples, then you must kill the beast if you can. I will certainly give it my best shot. Until it is done correctly, I will refuse to join it, the Empire that created it, and the drone army that supports and attempts foists it upon me like sick zombies trying to share their undeath, or the aids infected proffering to me the dark gift, or the other type of NAZIs and communists offering me their own other twisted misinformation and madness. Keep your disease in your pocket, it does not spend here.