A few things done, an extra task, and a joke.

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I was slow to wake this morning. The process was accelerated by knocking at the door combined with the doorbell ringing. As it turns out, the neighbor’s mother needed a driver again, today. The trip was much shorter though so I agreed to help. If nothing else, it would put me in functioning form to do some of the shopping I needed to do. After a bit of waking up, a shower, and such, I was ready within a half an hour to forty five minutes. The trip went well. We were hungry, but I did not feel like fast fast food, so I suggested we go to a Mexican (Americanized Mexican) food place. I enjoyed the time and the talk, and I think she enjoyed a little quiet time away from normal stresses, a busy house, and all that jazz. She has asked if I will drive her next week, and I agreed. Though I will have her fill the tank and our meals are our own this time. Yeah, I can be a softy, but not always.

When we returned, I went out and bought some tools. An 18” pipe wrench, a 15” adjustable wrench, and a 16” channel lock are now in my tool kit. If I remember right, I had not had 2, I had 5 or 6 such tools of various sizes. I really despise having things stolen. Especially by someone who is probably going to lose the tools, or mishandle them into ruin. I buy decent tools, I take care of them, and they last forever. I have not cleaned out the trap, yet, but I am geared to do it. I will have to mop the floor, again, and hope it dries and does not flood the floor again before the morning.

Oh, the joke. I received an invitation to apply for the national scholars honor society today. At first, I thought the thing was a complete farce. However, after brooding over the thing for a bit, I decided to check out the internet address offered. Fine, so it is a legitimate seeming address. But it must be a joke. I am not sure who would have played the joke, but it is not funny. Then again, perhaps it is just some sort of scam to get me to offer some money or something. Who knows. But I am still a bit hot about it. I do not like being played like a toy.

I did get some shopping done. I have eaten and completed a few other things. And I am set up for work tomorrow. Plus, I helped someone. I know what it is like to not have access, money, or seemingly friends. And, yes, I do think helping is important. If I cannot help myself, but can help another, I think I have been more successful in the end, within certain constraints. Or, more precisely, helping people does help me. It is not a tit-for-tat hereafter trade thing though. No, how I help myself by helping others is by enriching my humble little life. Soul snack food, if you will, healthy soul snack food.

I should be ready for sleep tonight too. Though I did little, it is more than I have been able to do, driving often tires me, and conversations make me ready to sleep. Eating better, today, also adds to energy for the next day. Plus, with the shopping completed, I am ready to care for my needs better for the next couple of weeks. I even have a few treats for when I do good work, 2 jars of pickled pork feet (boneless meaty chunks of fatty meats!) and a jar of pickled turkey gizzards. A little incentive, in the form of self bribes, does work.

Good night.

Sundays.

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Bit by bit, as I have come to the call of my Maker, I have begun taking on more of His commands. Though I would should worship, my pride, righteousness, or something, for good or ill, has interfered with that. I had been going to Church on Saturdays as it was indicated that the practice was religiously sufficient (though I have heard otherwise since). Now, I am getting the day right but the practice incorrect. And, though I miss worship, I do remember the Sabbath and keep it holy. One day, one project or piece of a project, one command, and in all ways one thing at a time. Now that I am home, I am finding my place within it.

My lady friend visited today. I covered breakfast and lunch. I think she would rather have had me cook something for her, and as time and money are right on edge, I would to have preferred to cook. However, my house is falling down around my ears again. I have not gotten to the plumbing work. Tomorrow and it will be done. That was no help today. Still, I think it worked for her.

She actually asked for air conditioning today, and was sure she could do it herself. Generally, technical things can baffle her. I was happy to see her figure the thing out, it is digital. I merely turned on a light so she could see it better. She went for breakfast then did some of her laundry. But she thought some movies would be good, and I was out of bottled water, so she went out again. Beyond water and movies, she returned with watermelon! If it was not comparable to high summer melons, it was quite a treat. First it was unexpected, secondly it was excellent for such an early melon.

I felt bad about not having my house in order. Though I go through this from time to time, between packing, friends in need, and exhaustion, my kitchen has been out of order for longer than usual. I just cannot catch a breath. However, as I discussed earlier, I think this is changing. Tomorrow, to get started, I will get the pipe wrench as soon as the stores open at about 10:00. This gives me time to wake, shower, and get there without a fuss. Then to use the thing. I was sure I had two pipe wrenches. But after having had a thieving cousin live me for a bit, what I have is what I have. After that, I think I want to clean as energy and time warrants.

I think all business has been tended, on this end. I need to contact the realtor, and other realtors out there, and really begin in earnest to find a place. Hopefully I can find a short term lease or a quarterly lease, though a monthly lease would be preferred barring a short term rental. If I cannot do that, I still have options. I also need to call Pods to assess costs. And, of course, I need to finish packing. I have ¾ of my belongings packed. What remains is more difficult to deal with. Lamps, television, surround sound stereo system, my old computer (I have the boxes for the new one, of course), dishes, and pots and pans are the difficult and last items.

With all of that on my mind, for this day, for the most part, I have let that go. I simply enjoyed the day, remember more so to be thankful of life, relatively easy breath, friends, and family. I am grateful for the gifts of bread, food, some luxuries, a vehichle I trust and like, and a roof over my head. And I cannot forget to be humbly grateful for the sacrifice of God in Christ. To have Jesus, God incarnate, not only as my sovereign but also as my Brother, God as my Father, and the Holy Spirit as my Guide and Communicator, ensures that when I came home, I came home to a real Holy Family. In that Family, I am not just an adherent, but through the Eucharist, I become one with God. How good is that? I think only God knows the depth of that pool, but it is most certainly deep enough for all my needs and wants.

And, it is this, on this day, that I have thought of the most. More prayers than usual, a time for honest rest neither fighting myself to get going nor fighting my environment to get it done, this is a holy day. And, I have enjoyed keeping it as such for the most part. I hope your Sunday brings you rest and a closer walk with God.

Good night. Have a great week.

I know I write and think in ways many do not follow.

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However, I would hope that before I am told that I called “A”, "B", that the reader at least read what I wrote and understand I did not call them “B”. If I group A and B into an group because of the outcome of their works, that is still not calling an A a B. This is not even close to complex. All it takes is slight reading skills, a basic understanding of grammar, and maybe, for the slower, a pen and paper to keep it straight. I would suggest basic algebra is more complex.

Was that confusing? Okay, let me rephrase it. If you are throwing rocks through windows to become better at baseball pitching, for example, and I suggest you are doing similar economic and societal damage as an anarchist who is doing the same thing for the social and economic effect itself, I am still not calling you an anarchist. Am I? So, what is complicated here? Is it that our all American sportsman does not like being called on something, or is it because as a jock he cannot read or understand what he is reading? And, honestly, neither do I know or care to a point (so long as I was clear). I will call something foolish if it is, regardless of the response.

On the good side, at least I was allowed to say something. I believe I was fair in what I said (always debatable, of course). And I did receive some fair and some unfair responses. Some of the response was personal, protective. Some of it was along the lines of paragraph two in this post. Will I still read and post there? Of course, if allowed. However, I have noted that if a particular ill is being discussed as a positive, even if there seems to be an opening for debate about it, it is probably not a genuine invitation. They are merely, like much of the left, only looking for encouragement. There are good writings there, there is occasional wisdom, there is some support of healthy social norms, and… there is that other.

A bit of advice, however, if you cannot take the heat, stay out of the kitchen. If you cannot handle the weight, do not pick up the box. If your stance is weak, do not ask for debate. And if you want to show off bling, make sure you are in the right neighborhood. Perhaps even, if you read in the starlight, do not expect to understand what you are reading.

Though I was a bit angry, I have pretty much gotten over it. I thought I was pretty straight forward, I did not see my comments as attacks. I say things straight out, give my points, and end it. I accept being rebuffed, but I expect it to be fair and honest. And, if I sense I am being attacked, told I am wrong, and then told more debate is not welcome, yeah, I can get hot. I think that is fair. Well, at least it was something different. But, no, that is not what I am after or what I seek.

As well, I know, even friends must go through these things. I cannot say everyone I read and everyone who reads and comments here is a friend. But, for my part, that is how I see my side of it. I cannot offer much, but my shirt, sure. My opinions, thoughts, and prayers, yes. And, from what I have seen from most of you, that is just as true for you. Heck, if you happened to be going through and I had some notice, I would probably try to feed you. So, I guess and again, for my part, you are friends. And, we must have our spats. As a fact, I do not agree with my friends and family on this side of the screen often. But, yeah, I love them, even, maybe more, the ones who are hard to handle.

Oh, I think I might be finding a way back to a state of existence where I might be able to begin working again Monday. I do not know how it is sorting out, but I feel there is a good hope of that. My mind and body are still at odds, my consciousness is disconnected, and my sleeping is a bit off, but I am seeing a parting of the clouds and the connection between flesh spirit and mind growing again. I wish I knew how to simply create that, or do it, or manipulate whatever mechanism enables function. As is, I will simply use what I can when it is available, and be thankful for that. Oddly, I am usually able to write well enough, should I think of it. If only writing had some, value, societal honor, or worth that was not considered selfish. At least the type of writing I do.

Breast enhancement a conservative notion?
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Recently, a topic flared regarding Miss America, or Miss California, or both, suggesting marriage should be between one man and woman. Feminist and gay activists immediately attacked her. First, and obviously, for her moral conviction, then for breast augmentation. And, yes, I understand that the attacks should be rebuffed and ignored because of the reason they exist, but should the breast enlargement just be added in as a good and a “personal choice” issue as well? I thought anti-abortion sentiments regarded personal choice as not such a good thing (no worries, I see the difference, logically, that one choice involves more than just the woman and the other does not, however, they both have more involvement than initial appearances might exemplify).

So, when did breast enlargement become a thing conservatives advocate, support, and back? Not only does it send the message that small breasted women are not good enough, it also interferes with breast feeding. The last I heard, it most likely ends the possibility of breast feeding in many if not most cases. Further, it honestly does objectify women. Though I think feminists have hijacked this notion, there is a real notion under their communist and socialist based fictional pseudo notion of this topic. Women are under great stress to be something they are not, whether it be that they need to be equal to men, prettier and smarter than other woman, or whatever.

I covered this at a blog, one I thought was both conservative and Catholic. I was strongly rebuffed. Beyond, the blog master indicated that he would not post some things about some issues. I was surprised he included my second comment arguing against someone's notion that breast augmentation was like dental care, both being cosmetic. I stated that breast enhancement has no comparison with teeth straightening. Now, he did post that, but he then called me shrill and wrong. So, I left it there and came here to post, being sure he would not allow another comment. As I said there, either the I am so far out of the loop with modern politics, or the conservatives have supplanted liberals and there is no real difference, except appearances, now (the cheerleader versus the goober leftist), or he and they are extremely off key in this.

Perhaps there is no difference. With Palan, a feminist, considered the next queen of the “right”, with McCain the best my old party could come up with, and with people who have a traditional schism with the party being set up as party leadership, I realize the problem. I have rejected the party, I have backed away from my local worship community, I will be moving from this state, and I would suggest my interest or involvement with politics is over. I guess the world has moved on. Fair enough, I guess I have too.

Let them eat virtuosity.

Interesting…

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For all of the intellectual honesty claimed by many of those I read, my posts are not welcome. More so, my posts are not allowed. I could name names, I am pretty sure they do not visit. As such, I think I will need to dump some of them. Though I think they are interesting, I disagree often, though without what I believe to be more than a simple agreement to disagree.

Do I write long comments? Sure. Am I Catholic and try to implement that? You bet. Do I disagree when I see a difference? You bet. But do I also give a pat on the back when we see eye to eye? Yes. So, why, among these people who claim intellectual honesty and faith in what they put forward not post my (mostly non-offensive) posts? Because it threatens their weak side. Because they cannot handle real differences.

And, yes, I have published things from people I do not wish to post (after a review of their blogs or posts). The only people not allowed here are people who post max posts without saying anything (I’ve had some very odd max posts that I just had to dump, especially when they duplicate the stupid posts), people who try to sell or redirect to some other place on the net for no particular reason or for commercial reasons (including a few shady “Catholics”).

Is it frustrating? Yes. What is wrong with questioning or confirming? I know I write a large block of text, but it is nowhere near max and it makes some sense. I think I am rather simple in my writing and intent. I either agree, and explain why; or I disagree and expound on that. Quips are for the weak and simple. At least I have some people who, generally, post what I have to say. I know some of these see me as a simpleton, a kind fool, or just another. Yet they go ahead and post my words.

Oh well, some people are what they are. And, yeah, I suppose, if I were younger and weaker, I would block posts I could not answer or posts from those who did not fit in my world view. Now, I post them and tackle the situation. Some times I may seem too harsh. I can think of a recent issue where someone suggested my symptoms seemed like depression to them. I did not mean to attack them (and do not think I did, mostly). I read their blog, and was a little angry (my bad). But more, after having tried every old and new anti-depression drug during my first 12 years of illness to no good effect, I had anger from that too. More, I was angry at the suggestion. I was not truly angry at the messenger. As a fact, I had hoped he (or she) would offer more. Okay, fine, I still feel bad about that. Oh bother, I think I ought to go to their blog or send a message of some sort. I believe their effort was an attempt at good. Bother!

Well, that is what I feel and I thought I should put it out. I will be changing my links, soon, very soon. I think. Damn but being crippled is a pain. And I cannot sleep tonight. So...

Update:

Wow, I went ahead and dumped some blogs. I also added a few. I kept some, in spite of the fact that they ignore my posts. At least they post them if they and theirs ignore anything I say. I suppose turning the back on what you feel is evil is fine. That does not mean I have necessarily given up on them. I see something in them that might be worthy or that they might turn to rightness or even merely that I think they are fine as is, even if they do not think the same. You know who you are but you likely do not read here so it does not really matter.

I really cannot understand.

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My exhaustion is something I cannot understand. If someone had told me about this before I suffered from it, I would have thought they were fibbing, or out and out making it up. This and I am only moderately exhausted in my range, at this point. Though I am able to do very little, I can stay up most of the day with a 2 hour nap thrown in. At the illnesses worst, I feel like I am in a device that combines sleep with a drying machine. I cannot track days, people, ideas, at times I do not even know my own name, literally. There are other significant symptoms, most doctors are simply not interested or are baffled, and see no links between them.

Anti-depressants do not work, nor have any of the medicines they have tried. Therapy for this has not worked. Nor did therapy work with my previously suicidal traits, in part because a significant aspect of that was due to a conscious decision and involved logic, as I have suggested. I am sure it is a physical problem, and now I have some evidence. I cannot afford a solid diagnostician, and, with a "medical" history as is, I suspect they would maintain the status quo rather than really look. I could go to the V.A., and if I have something easily diagnosed and treated, I will go there. But for deeper diagnostics, I think they fail.

This is so frustrating. And though I experienced medicine that was working, when it was pulled away, I did seek it out on my own nickel. I could not recreate the medical effect, so perhaps the medicine had stopped working anyway, or was fading, or I needed a very specific chemical reaction. I would bet a thousand dollars that if I were 20, and could keep completely away from psychiatry and psychology, I would be able to find a doctor and a treatment. I think I have already been set aside. Once you get a psychiatric diagnosis (in spite of depression and a few other things like it being a huge and normal response to other real illnesses) you cannot get away from it.

If you have a child, brother, sister, very good friend, or parent, keep psychiatrists and psychologists out of their treatment and diagnosis process. If doctors know nothing, most of these know less. Generally, they are only even allowed to obtain a degree if they are “liberal”, which is proof their ability to think logically is flawed. Beyond that, I would guess their diagnosis and treatment of conservatives is further flawed, perhaps consciously, perhaps not.

In any case, I have what I have and I am what I am. Further, I am not sure I could escape the way things have been for the last 20 years in any case. Getting up every day, at a certain time, and then going out and working for 8 to 12 hours, figuring out how to eat before, during, and after, tending house hold chores, shopping, and such, and for no more than I am making now. I worked very hard toward that goal, and even on the meds which worked, it was difficult (if I then and now believed that another year and a half and I might have broken through, though, who really knows).

Life is so frustrating when I am this exhausted. But having a deadline makes it much worse. At least I am well taken care of, financially. I do not worry about being able to afford food, if I do go without sometimes because I cannot get out to get it. And, if I cannot sit around and figure out high level new topics, or even more mundane topics to a mastery level, I can think on a basic level, and write. And, yes, that helps. Hmm, at least I have done something today. Now to try and stay up until 22:00 or 23:00. Hey, it is as good as I can do, for now.

Have a good evening.

Naps…

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I am back on schedule, but I need a 2 hour nap in the afternoons. As well, I have no energy to get to work. I did make a payment on my vehicle, and made sure all bills are being paid. A bit at a time, I do what I can. I am not sure how this will work, and I still have not found a place to move yet. I have one month, now, exactly. Yeah, I am nervous. Like I said, if I thought shoving a needle through my hand would wake me up and get me going, I would do it.

I am reading blogs, in my downtime, a little more frequently. I keep seeing how beat up the Republican party is. I see how leaders of my former party try to show a front, while including the reasons I left it. McCain is not a welcome part of it. They just do not understand that the tent is too big. I do believe if they could find politicians who followed the small government, more even sharing of power between federal government, state government, and us, and lower taxes all around, they would do a lot better. Is the party leadership honestly saying it cannot do that? They just do not get it, and I think that is a choice, a poor one. Republicans no longer stand for anything but a big tent. Multiculturalism has destroyed it.

Then again, out here, I see lots of fighting for the soul of conservativism. Now, to some degree, I think there needs to be vigorous debate. But, there cannot be camps going off on their own because of minor issues and poor leadership. Forgetting who the real enemy is will be fatal, at this point. We need real leadership from the bottom, up. We need the soldiers to learn to follow centurians, we need centurians to find a way to agree or at least work with each other, and choose the next level, and so on up to generals and a final general. Without this work, conservativism will take the drubbing we have been taking for far too long.

I wonder, however, if between the weakness of the boomers and the poison milk they fed their children that perhaps no such capacity exists today. Perhaps the nation is so me-centric that it’s citizens cannot get past it. That will leave those who choose the chaos of me-ism to win. They do not have to like each other, and they do not. All they have to do is what they want, eat their own, deprive the weakend offense to them, and that is it. It is a form of modernist barbarism, socialism and communism that is. It is a social suicide because of the obvious idiocy of it and it’s adherents. It is an ugly thing to see beginning to fully come into affect. What is worse, there is no place to flee. If we cannot kill the dragon here, it will control here as it does everywhere else already.

Well, back to doing nothing. Perhaps I can at least get a pipe wrench this afternoon, if I can gather enough energy, clean up, and get going. Arghhhh! Ack! And two or other such grumbles and gripes.

Have a good day. Never mind me. I seem to be like a falling cat, landing on my feet even if that might hurt. It is better than the options.

Something else on my mind.
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For some odd reason, in these last months leading up to my move, I keep meeting “interested” women. Oh, that is fine. But to be honest, these women remind me more of why I am leaving far more than offering me a reason to stay. And I certainly would not be interested in taking any of them with me. Some of them have been attractive, but in vetting them further, I see huge problems.

The last one indicated that she is not only not Catholic, she is not religious, and nearly laughed at the notion. And, after hearing about recent relationships, it shows. She seems attracted to me, strongly I would say. But she does not seem to understand that a woman with no faith has nothing to offer. Without some association with a set of rules and morality above her own whims, she is untrustworthy. She wants to do whatever she wants to do, whenever, and with whomever she chooses. She is her own woman. As such, she is not God’s, and therefore, cannot be mine. She judges her past lovers harshly, but does not understand that if she does what she wants, he will too. She cannot have a faithful man if she is not a faithful woman.

I see this over and over with women. They want to be nasty and yet be loved purely. They want to be vile and have a virtuous man. They want to be shrill and yet be pampered. That is not how it works nor how it has ever worked. I have never bothered to mention this, I do not think they would understand. Being without God is very much like leaving your father’s house. Once you are beyond his protection, you are prey. That leads these women to themselves become predatory. Those who seek good women see this almost immediately and back off immediately. I no more encourage these women than I play with wild bears.

I certainly hope there are women of faith, marriageable and fertile, and understanding of the duties and requirements under Catholic marital notions. I have some great doubts, being the state of the nation and the world, even some significant parts of the Church, really. Still, I look. Never doubt, however, that I will see right through evil queens. Let them enjoy their dramas, their affairs, their acceptance of their animal nature, but let them have the men they so richly deserve. Funny that, in this world of egalitarian modernist scientific rule but that women are the butt of society and their claws and sharp tongue grants them nothing but sorrow and emptiness. The she bear, in the wild as in the city, is always at the mercy of the he bears. So much for the feminist mystique.

Back on schedule.

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I was worried about sleeping and waking, whether I could get back into the day and night routine again. Often I cannot get back to it once I have slipped. Last night I was in bed and asleep before 23:00 and this morning, I flopped out of bed by 8:30 or so. All is good there, so far, and better than I expected. Now, to wake up and get going on some things.

I checked my tools, I do not have a pipe wrench which fits the sink plumbing. I am tight on money, but I may just have to buy one. I am hoping I will find myself calling about the computer today as well. I am not sure who to call, but I can figure that out with minimal effort is my guess. One thing I have noted, regardless of the seller, once an item is purchased, the seller, manufacturer, and everyone else involved all of a sudden knows nothing and wants nothing to do with what they just sold. I will have to see if this is true here, or more, to what degree and how to get around that. Trust? Cynicism? Are you kidding or ignorant?

I am not sure what I can get done today, I just know I have to do what I can. I can count on no one and really, I should not count on anyone. This is my task. No one I know favors my move. If I want it, I will simply have to do it. Lord knows I want out of this state as soon as possible. The way I see it, this state is trying to catch up with California. It may have passed it. To be honest, those I love from this state are probably not on their way to heaven. No matter how much I pray, what I do, what I say, or how I say it, unless they bow they are lost.

I think the sink and the computer are primary targets. Not because packing is less important, but because these things weigh on my mind heavily. That weight seems to cause problems in all other areas until it is tended. Yes, stress of certain natures is a major issue with my health. Though the sink problem has further implications in both cooking food (health) and cleanliness (stress). There may be a few other things I can get done, though I realize I am quite weak and very tired. Maybe tending these things will help with that, maybe not. I may simply be in a physical rut I will have to try and push through.

So, Arlen Specter finally became honest eh? I hope his happy ride to hell is worth it. I wish this had happened soon enough that Bush would not have helped his re-election. Though, I am not sure enough about Bush that he would not have helped anyway. They are peas in a pod. Then again, everyone in political office is that way these days. The political process has been hijacked by leftists and it is not about to change. I am not sure what can actually be done about it but I am pretty sure it is not going to be fun either way. All things, including good things, must end.

Well, I best get to figuring some of my list out. I really want to go back to bed but I know that is not the way. So, it is either get busy or begin what will be a long fall. Hmm, should you not also be getting busy? :p

Exhaustion.

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I needed the rest, but it seems I need more rest. I cannot get things going again. I will have to figure out how to do that, I do not have enough time to mess with this. Then again, if it were a choice it would not be a problem. I suppose the best I can do is try to take care of myself as well as I am able, eating and sleeping as well as I can and taking care of stresses as quickly as possible. It stinks being crippled. Prayer, of course, is always useful. If nothing else, it helps me to live with the realities that exist.

My lady friend seems to be in trouble at work. The tale is complicated, but comes down to a pair of customers who were trying to get an item for free, claiming it was mislabeled (the store policy is that if a product is mislabeled, it is free… as I said, the product was not mislabeled). The truth is, it was not mislabeled. Further, the pair had been “goofing around” in the women’s bathroom and my friend had called them on that. Another woman, an employee, had entered the facilities only to be confronted by the activity and to be frightened out. The female of the group filed a complaint saying my lady friend was not nice. Just a few days ago, another complaint was filed (most likely by one of that pair or by one of their friends). My friend has been reassigned, very negatively. I think, after working at a place for 10 years, and with the type of people filing the complaints, the management would know the situation. Then again, perhaps they are looking at cutting back and this is a convenient way. She is at risk.

I do not know what to say. I cannot deal with my problems. I certainly cannot help her, especially with the financial bind she seems to insist on being in. Sometimes I think she seeks problems, sometimes I just think she is cursed. I would wager it is a bit of both. She is better than some women I know, though. Some women seem to seek the worst friends, situations, health conditions, and whatever other drama they can pile on their plate, and then look around for sympathy, live off of that, and still flounder in life. At least my lady friend is not that bad. Further, I think she was right in her response, for the most part, to creeps. Sadly, in this world, creeps often win.

I think I have completed securing my system as well as I am able. I have some worry about blogs, I wonder how easy it is to put something in blogs which would get onto even a protected system. I am not sure how to secure my system properly, and security set up by the “pro’s” is only marginally better. I am having some problems with my system locking up. I need to get on that, but… I am so tired that talking and thinking are difficult. I think the problem lies with programs (many of which are junkware) trying to update or upgrade through my router, software, or both. It is very frustrating. In time, I suppose, I will figure it out.

It is about bed time. I have not been going to bed rightly the last two days, nor getting up early of course. I would like try to get back to that pattern, I think it helps. And, I had best figure out some other things. My sink is clogged with paraffin wax, another problem that really gums up the works, adds to stress, and ends up preventing me from getting on with other things and important things (like cooking and cleaning). *sigh*

Good night. I hope your lives are a bit less problematic.

Suicide.

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This is a very misunderstood topic, I think. Psychologists think it is just bad thinking come to a conclusion, something that can be arrested, and often they do not believe it is a choice a sane person would make. While some of that may be true, and for some people, for others that is not the case. In today’s economy, suicide has happened, and will continue to happen. I think these types of cases may be mitigated, though and again, not all of them.

For me, suicide in the time were it was an option, was not negotiable. I tried three different methods over a period of five years, at least two of them really should have worked. Each attempt was more serious, regardless of psychiatric “help”. As I said on her blog, the greatest help offered by psychiatry was that as I was getting away from the notions and knew my impulses were not controllable, I could find refuge from myself in certain places. Away from the methods of death, I am sure my life has been extended. For my case, my situation is not temporary. Being disabled and the function of that disability both drove the impulse. Going from functional to permanently exhausted and trying to fight against the exhaustion left me completely bare of defense against that. Without religion or strong family ties, along with that last, I was naked and alone in the cold brutal dark. My attempts at suicide were brave, in their way. Though I did not really wish to die, I wished less, much less, to be a burden and a cripple. I knew, or was pretty sure, this “thing” was not recoverable. Pride, poverty, and the loss of a future led to the decision. Once the decision was made, it carried a momentum that at times was greater than my choice of life. Even when I was beginning to accept life again, the momentum toward death carried me past my recently changed but weak acceptance of life.

As for men who have fallen from social and economic grace, I think the thing depends on whether they can do one of two things. The first hope is that they may learn to live more humbly, as I have. The last chance, and most likely impossibility, is that they find a way to regain some level of status. Family, friends, and society in general, can play a part. These last are the straw that can break the camel’s back, or not, though, and no more. It is up to the individual conscientiously up to a very small bit once the impetus is upon them. Psychiatry may try to be of assistance, but it cannot, in the end, help. At it’s best, it can only delay. I guess, here as in medicine, I think the healing is self made. Doctors merely play some odd role in a means of assisting the patient to find a way to healing. A doctor does not and cannot heal. A psychiatrist cannot heal. A man can heal, maybe.

Though I think there are places for psychiatry, as with medicine. A broken arm can be set and repaired more easily, surely, and safely by someone who has been taught and experienced such acts. And, psychiatry has helped me profoundly in dealing with trauma. But really, that was more to do with having someone who could hear terrible things without themselves becoming traumatized (?). Most of the therapy that worked involved just having someone who could hear terrible things, be able to accept quietly, and to ask a question or two now and again. That is what family and friends are for, yet to use them for this on certain things is to burden them beyond their capacity, to poison them. Further, that was only available once I decided to try and live.

Some people, without God, want to think they can do things on their own. Those who say they know God yet fail when they are not in power never knew God. It is similar, in a smaller way, with family. These people think they, or other professionals, can solve anything. Doctors, psychiatrists, lawyers, or others can fix any problem, along with our hero, or so he thinks. The truth is, professions are a façade. The weak know this, some of them (us) were not always weak. Wise women know this, they know they are vulnerable and incapable of being secure in themselves. And, good leaders understand they are most important when they do as little or less than is required (they will and do mess things up if they are active).

How do we save these men of pride then? We do not, we cannot. We can only pray that they see the value of life before they lose all their chance at hope. We honestly cannot do anything. I know, the first time, and second time, even the third time, I was being cared for until I changed my direction, while I was in hospitals, I was merely resting up to brave another go at death… and to figure out how. Heck, I found some really good ideas about how to do it in there. Although, if a wife is married to one of these men, she knows he is otherwise a good man, and she is a good woman, then she will eat her fears and only show him love and a surety that it was not his wealth, power, or glory that she married, but him as a good man. She might keep from being the final straw. Otherwise, let her shrill him to his finality… so long as she has her next keeper in the bag. Keepers, of that sort, are becoming extinct and that loss is not slowing. And, understand, even a good wife might become a widow.

Enough of the darkness… Bring on the dancing women! Bah! I quit all that silliness. Hmm, maybe a beer, a sleep, and a day of work tomorrow will have to do. Good night.

Some thoughts...

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I was reading one of my regular blogs. I again read a particular post. Usually, I post and leave. Sometimes I just read the other comments. And rarely I do both. Very rarely, I begin a comment thread with one or more other fellow commenters. In this case, initially, I merely posted a comment and ignored the rest. However, curiosity got the best of me so I started to read the comments. One stuck out. I am not sure if it was in response, or partially so, to my comment. Either way, I thought I would expand on that here.

The post regarded a woman who had given her husband a gift of sex every night for a year. The blogger wondered what we thought of the gift. As for me, I thought it was the greatest of gifts, as it is personal, intimate, and sacrificial in some sense. I should add that I really think a wife should offer herself to her husband selflessly anyway, but I was going along with the understanding that I live in a secular feminized world as a given. The other commenter indicated that the confusion with intimacy was silly, or something as such. So, I decided to cover that a bit.

First, I did not indicate that this was intimacy. Though, for a man, that is intimacy given that intimacy has many levels. What women think depends on the woman, even then it might continue to the day, season, time of day, what her girlfriends think, what her horoscope says, etc. Go figure. Beyond, if standard marital relations may be considered less intimate in these days where girls begin this before they leave their family home, let alone marry, and men get when the getting is good, to me, an old fashioned and retreating (from modernism) man, it is still quite intimate. Further, what creates intimacy other than being intimate? If love, or a fashion of it, can be simply being with someone every day and being accepted in the person’s presence, why would not an intimate act lead to intimacy itself? Of course, I could be wrong.

Oh, I know. I would probably never find a wife who believes as I do unless I became Amish or found and old school tradition place still untouched by modernism. It is so odd. At one time, women seemed to have prized such things. At their behest, men were required to do so by laws. The frequency depended upon his job (therefore his time at his home). For example, a teacher might be required to be with his wife several times a week since he traveled and such, yet a common worker who was home was required to offer his wife this love every night. Things have changed. Now, it is a chore. More work Americans do not want to do? Never worry, I am sure if I fall into some woman’s arms, we will figure things out.

I just made a very good lunch. It was a complete experiment. I had an Iowa chop (really thick cut chop) thawed. And yet, I had lamb on my mind. I started wondering if mint, thyme, and tarragon would do well on a medium chop. Then, I pondered maple syrup added to that. I must admit, it was very good! And more, it was not so small as lamb chops. The bad thing about being large is that traditional dishes seem so very small. I did, after a bite or three, decided that a little salt would finish the dish well, and it did. I would guess only adding salt after it is cooked is best. That was a taste treat!

I keep seeing things which cause me to think about the world, life, common and uncommon questions, and my contemporaries. I do not have answers, necessarily, but I seem to keep finding others who do. And, in truth, the answers are not from them. I keep running into God in my path for answers. Yep, I think I am on the right path. Beyond, put on the spot, my answers seem to be heading that way as well. For example, when I consider marriage, or matrimony (roughly translated from two words meaning mother and duty I think), I also find that man is to be to the family as God is to us. That the family is as close as we can get to knowing God’s love on earth (priests and nuns are holy fathers, sisters, and mothers, so they easily fit in that as well, and in a way, much more perfectly). As God has been set aside, so has the family. As women seek themselves they lose their worth. Is the family perfect? Is life perfect? The answer to both is, no, but they are better than the options.

Well, I had better get to work. I have had a long easy weekend. I really do have to do a few minor tasks and begin considering my week, tasks, business, and such. I think I have all but one of my computer situations covered, and that remaining problem has been treated as well as I may treat it at this time. I need to find a place to move, and soon. Still so much to do and so little time. And there are still a great deal of practical problems I do not know how to handle. This, too, I will leave in God’s hands, if I will be using my own hands and mind as well.

Have a great day.

A good few days.

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Though little was done, my house is cleaner and I am rested. My mother, in her way, allowed me to rest. She, as well, rested. Still, in her resting she did more than what I was able to do all week. I felt so guilty about not having things set well for her visit. She released that and we just enjoyed a quiet, restful time together. We argued very little, just the normal things. And, when I would get wrapped up in politics, this, or that, she would just let me ramble a bit then quietly change the subject. We both needed rest, food, and quiet company. And, we got it.

Her visit to the doctor was very successful, if too it wore her out and made her sore. The good news is she has a severe case of arthritis, which is imminently treatable! She will have a better life, and with a little care, some medication, and an understanding that she is not 20 (difficult for that woman to slow down!), she will do well. I know I had prayed for her, but I think God had been with her in any case. Still, it is good to know she will not need to suffer and become much less able over a short time.

The house is cleaner. As I said, in her rest, she does a great deal of work. I have put most of the new computer together. The printer remains unattached, as do the speakers. I am beginning to secure my accounts, games, and such. The first thing arranged on the machine was the router and security software. As well, with my understanding of things, my downloads will be scoured and only even initiated if necessary. Still, I know anyone online is at risk.

Bit by bit, it is all coming together. There is still so much to do and so little time. I am up late, tonight, as I was trying to get the computer working, my email function (there are still a few difficulties), and setting up some software which I prefer. I lost track of time and now I am very tired. Good! Being tired will allow me to sleep and soon.

My mother, seeing that I was still up at 2:00, decided to have some coffee, pack up, and leave early. She does have things to do. But I know that it is hurting her that I will be leaving. She feels abandoned, alone, and afraid. I wish I could offer her more than comforting words, but Iowa is a lost cause as a state, and I need to tend my soul for the last of my life. This is not my place. She has a place here, my lady friend has a place her, but I do not. I know I will be as alone as they are, maybe more so. I am more ready for that than they are. Such is the way of things, it always has been.

If I have a bit of a heavy heart at their sadness, I am feeling better in most ways and life is again good. Security of machine, restfulness of body, and the hope of a more sure social order in a state that seems to have some grip on rightness left to it’s people. I feel some sadness for them, and for something else. I cannot say for sure, but I think there is something far sadder on the horizon. Is it the end of free men, is it the loss of life in that struggle, or is it that time is coming to a close? I cannot say. Never fear though, sadness, even the great ones, are a part of what we are here to know. The spice of it will go in with the other good and bad sensations, the successes and the failures, and all the people I have known loved warred with and such. All these things not only teach me, but add to a depth and strength I will need, here or there, now or later.

If bitter, too, it is sweet. And yes, for sorrow also, I give no small thanks.

I apologize for rambling, I have had a long day and I have been awake too long to boot.

Good night. Or, is it good morning already?

Thanksgiving.

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When I talk about thanksgiving, most people think Thanksgiving Day. Sometimes I expand and share my thoughts, sometimes I leave it there. The truth is, as often as I remember to do so, I give thanks. Thanksgiving is not a day on which I should enjoy turkey, cranberry sauce, potatoes, and other such foods with family, friends, or even strangers. Thanksgiving is an every day event, like Christmas, Easter, and the others. It is not that I still draw breath, it is not that I know freedom, it is not even that I have people who love me and a God who loves me more than any one else can. When I wake up, I mean to remember it. When I go to sleep, I mean to remember it. Actually, any time I pray, I mean to remember that as a component. I am very grateful. My life has become much better when I saw through to that too.

I am ill. I am not able to enjoy life as I would, I am not able to get an education to my capacity in order to work, and I cannot work even at a lesser post. Something is wrong, I live in a world of exhaustion. And, I have great shame for this. I see people struggle to wake up, go to work or school, raise their families, create relationships and deal with those, and do works to better the lives of those around them. I know they are tired at the end of the day, and perhaps at any given point, but I see to that they are able to continue. I know some must wonder about me. I know I wonder… and doubt. Sometimes I do well, so I cannot understand why I cannot always work hard. I enjoy working hard, physically or mentally, when I can. I like to figure things out, expand my knowledge, or build something. Then I realize, even when something comes up that most would think of (and I certainly think of) as fun, I may still be unavailable to do it. Then I know, I am ill.

I am alone. I am not able to get out and go. I enjoy people’s company, mostly. Even those I do not ‘like’, I can enjoy, if we can agree to set aside our differences and just explore each other’s life stories, the memories fond and sad, or such. I like to see people, and more, to hear about new things in their lives and changes to come, and then to grow to know them through the tails, trials, joys, and monotony. Over time, they become family. But, I am locked into my little world. Leaving to participate is very difficult, if nigh onto impossible at times. A sleeping man cannot go, a man so tired he cannot remember the date or think to find what day and month it is will not remember to go visiting, a guy who cannot be sure when he will be awake, night or day, cannot be sure of plans. I lose friends to that, and, I understand.

I can be grumpy. I like things a certain way and I have high expectations. I expect a great deal from myself, when I am able, even when I am not. And I pass that expectation to others in a lesser way, if even that is rather draconian. Hard work, if it fails to meet an end, is a waste. Good thinking which misses a point and therefore fails to fulfill it’s concomitant effort and sacrifice of other projects and wants and sometimes needs, is useless if it fails to solve a problem or educate. And, a good deed meant as such at the outset, done rightly, yet failing to end in a good result, is not a good deed after all. I see this for myself and for others. And when I see failure, I do not like it. Often others see this as a judgment on them, rather than on their works which have failed. Or upon the lack of reason for their positions, in which I despise evil ways regardless of the intent, if I still love the person. Some people have inextricably tied themselves to their works or thoughts and cannot accept criticism. And, I suppose, with those who cannot carry through to the end, perhaps it is personal. Though I fail often, I am also able to carry through as flawlessly as men are able when I am able to function. And, no, that is not enough to satisfy my standards as it is not repeatable over extended periods of time. I have had to learn to get beyond that, to a degree. And yet, I cannot quite leave my intent to do right and expect others to do the same. Yes, grumpy, exacting, demanding.

So, why be thankful? I am broken, alone, with higher standards than what I can meet, and more. I am thankful that God has called me, and that I finally bowed. I understand now, most of the time, that if I cannot do my will, I can still succeed at being a good man and doing the right things at a slower pace and just for goodness’ sake. I know I am loved here and there. And, I do have a purpose. If my purpose is merely to be humble and to being giving and sharing as I am able, that can be enough. I am thankful, every day, several times a day when I remember and sometimes when I cannot see it. Why others see thanksgiving as a day for turkey, friends, and football I can only wonder. Life is an amazing gift; it is a way to learn about love, each other, and God; it is a miracle of thought, sensation, and discernment; and it is a chance at eternal life within the realm of understanding with the Essence of Love. Imagine if you could win the lottery simply by believing. Now realize, the lottery is as of nothing compared to what you may have. There is no chance in it, there is no doubt, and the faith that allows gratefulness enhances the gift more so. May you find life something rich which allows you to be ultimately and finally gratefull.

Enjoy your Sunday.

Another busy day.

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My lady friend did show up, as I said. And though I did clean the kitchen a bit, and we produced the items and split them up, she then stayed until just about when my Mom arrived. Unlike her, I use my air conditioning. She has one, but refuses to use it to cool her place. I am quite frustrated with that, her behavior was boorish. She asked to do something that could have been done at any time, she asked me to driver her to do something which I thought was going to be a simple in and out but ended up being a 3 hour event, then she just lazed around in my cool house instead of going home and using her own air conditioning (which I bought her when we were together anyway). This will not happen again. I was simply too tired to fuss with it today. She could have helped me clean, and she should have or she should have left. Liberals…

My mother arrived and she looks good. The cave, of course, is messy. I apologized profusely. At least she liked the bedroom. She was quite tired, and rather pleasant about things. Instead of cooking since neither of us was up to it, and she did not even wish to go out for a meal, so we ordered pizza. It was a hit with her! There is a fine pizza place or two here, my favorite is very good and they deliver. It is expensive, but that has it’s own benefit… I do not order often. The meats are excellent, the cheeses are very good quality, and herbs are fresh or very good dried. As well, I never get heartburn from eating their pies. I do think she was impressed with it. My old regular type favorite was God Fathers’ pizza. There is no comparison, GF’s pizza, though good, was very greasy.

I spoke with the neighbors. Father and sons are going on a minor camping trip tonight. The wife looked like she was embroiled in some kind of general party, children’s birthday party perhaps, and neighborly association their other neighbors. They were out and about as my mother arrived, so I decided to test the waters, or at least say hello.

I think I will go ahead and go to the gun show tomorrow. I have always wanted to see one, here in Iowa, before they are outlawed. Even if the feds cannot get that through, this state will, it’s leaders have lost their collective minds, as liberals do. Though money is extremely tight at this time, if I can find large rifle and pistol primers, I will buy a couple of bricks of each. The rest of the components are relatively available. Of course, that is assuming I can find primers even there. Frustrating, but that is what happens when communists invade, more so from the inside.

I think my Mom will be sleeping in, and I will be as well. It has been a busy few weeks. And though I have a lot left to do, a bit of a break is needed. So much left to do and time is clicking away quickly. I am almost certain I will use Pods, unless they are impossibly expensive. And, packing and unpacking everything 4 times sounds far too brutal. I have enough stuff to fill a small house, easily. The heaviest items are weights, but there is a bed, two couches, several bookcases, two tables, and 6 oak kitchen chairs. I will have to pack well, which means I will have to hope to find someone who knows how to pack for the least amount of breakage. Being disabled does not help. Then again, there are many who are far worse off.

Good night.

Another day and so very tired.

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I was supposed to be awake at 6:00 and my lady friend was supposed to be here by then. Neither was I awake nor was she here. It was more like 7:30, or maybe even 8:30 by the time she arrived. And, I was still not awake. So, she left me to do some other tasks and to give me time to wake up, for which I was grateful. I am still just barely awake and still quite tired at 10:30 as I begin this writing. I have pushed too hard and too long and I will be needing a break soon, very soon. She brought me breakfast though, too cool. As well, in order to create the home-made fire-starters, I had to do some kitchen cleaning. No, I had not gotten to it yet.

I have hit my first roadblock in my man to woman talk. I think my friend and I have such a deep-seated relationship, that change is difficult. I react more automatically with her than what I thought I would. Introducing change will be slow. I can see where she says things that I am not supposed to answer, now. She breaks the mold a bit, and is quite cynical too, and a bit caustic. Where I cross the border and delve into the feminine with my ability and willingness to speak, she delves into the male with aggression. We butt heads like rams trying to vie for dominance. However, we come down on different sides. Where she is actually just vying to be heard, I am sort of fighting defensively. Yes, I see that. How odd. She is a spitfire and I am a knight looking for drawn swords, and I react to perceived violence with violence (in a like way, word for word in this case, rather than actual sword to sword, or sword to word).

And yet, she is quite delicate. What I have perceived as a lack of feelings on her side, is often a withdrawal from my male reaction to what seems to me to be an attack. She roars, then has no idea what to do when I roar back. Even when my reactions are merely set on stun, I think I overwhelm her. Not only do I realize she has no clue, I now realize I had no clue. This one will be tricky to deal with. I will work on it. I suppose, as a friend, I will probably keep her around if at a distance. As I said, realizing does not equate to handling or doing. Still, it gives me a project to explore.

I do not think my understanding will make life perfect, but it may make it much better. Especially regarding women. It might be a secret weapon, though it is not to be used to harm. And, I think most women expect it. They do not know the science, or the specifics, they just know what they need and whether that is being fulfilled. Men, generally, have no clue either. If they were raised in a good family, they saw what worked and just zero in, over time, with practice. Some of us just never saw how it is supposed to work over time, seeing divorce as the means of dealing with trouble so souring on the whole notion of marriage. Beyond, noting how dangerous marriage is to a mans life, healthy, ways, and finances has not helped either. Plus, having our children ripped from us by the Cabal of the feds and a bitter woman, then raised by a woman too foolish to know how to deal with problems and lacking commitment, makes the prospect quite difficult to swallow.

In any case, I am seeking to enter the cave of the dragon. That is my lot. My sword, shield, armor, and bravery seem like weak tools in the face of a failed society, weak women, a Church whose authority is ignored, and a government that seems to want to break down marriage. That is where faith enters. And, too, perhaps this is the cost of our prosperity. As there exists lead poisoning, my guess is gold poisoning is just as bad or worse, and you can see what a bag of silver can get you. Then again, regardless of my efforts, the chance of finding a woman to marry in the church, to have children with, and be enough in sync with to even contemplate that is more than slim. I suppose it is all in God’s hands to start with, so I will leave the whole thing there.

I am not sure how much I can get done before my mother arrives. Like I said, there is not that much to do if there are a goodly number of small things to be done. I am still so tired I can barely stay awake. The paraffin on hand was not enough, so my friend has gone to the store to get more. I write in silence, for the moment. And, I try and figure out how to get juiced up to do what should be done, what I want done, and in time.

*yawn*
*poof*

The nap was an excellent one.

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I think I dreamed a bit. I relived some of my past relationships and important situations in them. How weird. I guess that program about men and women is strongly on my mind. I saw times when neither my woman or I could bridge a situation, but this time I understood. How could a program dig in so deeply. I suppose it is because finding a mate has always been a goal of mine even if I had poor tools and little knowledge to do so. I have made so many mistakes and failed so many times, trying to love all the wrong women and often in the wrong way. Being hyper masculine has not worked, trying to be more feminine has failed more grandly, being a step of way has not worked, and nothing seemed to work. I know I cannot please a woman, but I was almost sure there was some way to avoid that trap and yet remain close and vital. I simply could not find that link. I suppose not knowing how it is supposed to work from not having seen it work was a problem, not having come from a stable family environment.

No, I am not saying that now I know. I will only say that now I might have a clue. I can plainly see that it is a lot of work. It means I will have to endure what I had thought impossible, though with a promise that this has an end. I will have to quiet my tongue and cynicism, and just brave her emotions. And, I have to put up with having no clue. Each of those own, on their own, is a test. All of them together will definitely be frightful. And more, I think I would have to spend some time bringing her up to speed on these things, and leading in ways I should. Then, too, I have to understand that may not be enough. In a time where women leave men and request a divorce at least half of the time, I have little choice but to understand no matter what I do, she is as likely to leave anyway. That is a lot to ask for 12 to 20 years of marriage, to also merely have my children taken. It is definitely a faith thing.

I need to get some cleaning done. I tried to call my neighbors but only received a message. I am not sure whether to take steaks out or not. I may need to do something else. I think I will call my mother tomorrow morning, to make sure she is bringing something she promised to bring and to ask about her vacuum cleaner. My lady friend asked if she could visit early in the morning. She wants to make some camping goods. I have saved dryer lint for a year or so, which we will add with paraffin wax, in cardboard egg cartons. Then we cut those up. They make excellent fire starters, I guess.

Hmm, when I need time to do work, I seem to have everyone I know and some I do not asking for bits of my time. I will not complain. The complications make the tasks, all of them, more rewarding. I enjoy helping when I can, and even sometimes when I did not think I could. I know I do not really fit in this world. I cannot seem to work, I cannot handle being educated, and I am against much of what passes for civic, social, and moral norms. My religious beliefs are considered anything from a faith in the anti-Christ (as I have heard the Pope equated to) to a cult. Even “within” my, I am considered either a simpleton or an extremist, in spite of being in line with tradition, the Church Authorities’ stances, the bible, and such. And, of course, I cannot speak womaneaze. Rather than seeing this as a problem, however, I am starting to see it as a good thing. Not that I find pride in being different, just that given the way life is, by being a considered minority I have a much better chance of being on the right road. That it is a difficult road adds to the possibilities.

I just found out that my neighbors will not be sharing a meal tomorrow or going to the gun show. I spoke with the Mrs., who indicated she will have the Mr. call when he gets home. Of course, when I have the news, I am not sure what more discussion is about. Is that part of womaneeze grammar, tradition, or something? *grins* Yes, well, I wondered since I had heard nothing. Oh well, I will survive and figure out something else. I will go to the show on my own, make a dinner for my mother, and enjoy all there is to enjoy. And, after this week for sure, I know how things work. Sometimes life just gets too complicated too fast.

The trip.

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We started out slowly and things did not improve. The Map Quest map was inaccurate or at least ambiguous enough that we became temporarily lost. After stopping at a gas station, where the worker tried to help but could not, we headed back and then placed a call to the doctor’s office. The assistant gave us directions, but from the direction opposite our approach. After a little driving investigation in which we realized the flaw and another call, we arrived at the office just in time for the visit. When finished, we had to scoot back most of the distance toward home to try and stop at an office by 13:00. I got so low on fuel on the way, I was worried about running out of gas. I pulled into a gas station just in time. I had noted I was low on gas at the first station, but I thought I could make it easily on what I had and we were under time pressures then as well. On the way back, as we neared the office, I suggested she call the office and ask if they could wait just a wee bit. Surely enough, they complied. We ended up being five minutes late, so we did not keep them too long. The woman at the office has a habit of disappearing at 13:00 on the spot, so the call saved the day. Finally, we are home. In spite of the difficulties, all matters were attended. I hate to say it, but a little bit of doubt, some obstacles, and needing help really make life a little spicier. It was more of a success for the problems than simply having done the tasks without difficulty.

What is more interesting, or interesting at all I should say, is that while driving and speaking with my passenger, I tried to apply some of what I saw on the show and heard on the radio. And, it helped a great deal. The first thing I noticed is that when I stopped waiting for a punch line, and just picked up bits while she talked, I was less frustrated with “our” conversation. And yes, she made a point about every 3 to 5 minutes, but never a final point. She did not tie it all together, ever. Ah, I am getting this. Then, when she paused, I might ask for detail, clarification, or such, then let her chase the next set of rabbits to ground. I was far less confused and baffled after that than I ever have been before. It was amazing! Women can make sense, sort of, in their way. And, I can understand it, mostly, in my way. Wow...

About half way through, I explained what I had seen and heard, and what I was doing. I spoke, roughly, about what I perceived from the program. I think that threw her a bit. I cannot be sure if being practice material was all that fun of an idea to her, but I think the results spoke for themselves and she became comfortable with the notion. When we arrived home, she pondered out loud if she was indeed an hysterical woman. I suggested that she clearly was not. How her mind worked was perfectly natural and feminine. That she had a good mind. I only suggested that this behavior can complicate business operations if not pared and focused, business being mainly male oriented. And, I told her I thought she could do that. Well, I say it as I see it. I offered bits of advice throughout the day when asked and sometimes when not asked (like calling the last office we needed to visit, as she was becoming very nervous about the time). I picked and chose what to suggest, if anything, and when to offer it. I hope I did well. Two of my suggestions worked in flight, the other three can only be verified in time.

I am very tired. I may need a nap. I want to get to work but I am just too sleepy. Driving can do that, so can “talking”. :P Yep, I am a typical male. A sleepy one, so get off my porch! (for now) Ha.

Good day.

Sadness.

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I must admit to being sad the last few days. It is not surprise. Between pushing myself as hard as I can, the move becoming immanent, and leaving friends and family by moving so far away, the reaction is only human. I am trying to deal with it, to figure out how to react to such a real, natural, and strong feeling. To be honest, I have no idea what to do with feelings. I never have known what to do with those things. I am surprised I know I AM feeling anything, let alone what it is. I do not know if this is a difficult thing for most men, I know it is odd for me. With friends and family, I talk around the issue because I do not really see how talking will help. I see my Mom do talk, I have seen girlfriends do that, but I have not seen where that seems to help them. They just end up bawling or shouting or something. I do not want to do that. I do not know how to successfully vent emotions. Urhm, is there a sadness pacifier?

I will be fine. I think once the move is completed, and I find that a call can still be placed, it will be good. And, further, as I start settling in to a new life and making friends, things will settle down. Who likes change, even if it is what they want? Who wants to give up what they have for more of what they want? Can I not have my cake and eat it, might be the fundamental question with a simple but firm answer. The big and small picture answer is a resounding NO. I have shed a tear or two, but that is silly. And I have rebuked that. That just invites more. So, I am bucking up and trying to figure some real plan. And, as I have mentioned, it may just need to be suffered until I begin planting roots in the new soil. Oh, I had best watch my sarcasm in these times. It could explode as an unintended consequence (you think?).

Neither my passenger for this morning nor I were awake to leave at 7:30. I had thought I had really messed up when I woke at 7:30 and knocked on her door at about 8:00, to find her in her not ready either and looking a little tired. Luckily, she had also been running a bit late. She asked if she could have a half hour to hour to get herself together. Apparently the baby had awaken her 3 times last night. Very good sort of, and no, that is definitely not a problem. I am not sure why the alarm did not wake me. I set it for an hour early, 6:30. And though I stayed up until maybe as late as 1:00 or 1:30, that should not have been a problem.

When I get back, I really need to dig in and get some cleaning and straightening accomplished. Though the cave does look a little rough, it is mostly surface clutter. I have laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, and standard vacuuming to do. The vacuum machine I have is a total bust. I am running tighter on money than I wish to be and that is not improving, so I am not sure what to do about the vacuum in the mean time. I may ask my mother to bring hers, if it is easy enough to transport for her and if she would. Friday supper is still in the air, but I need to check my supplies and see that I have the items for my minor menu dedicated to my Mom’s visit, plus a few things for her to work with. She can tornado a seemingly bare pantry into a feast, but it is good to have some easy things for her to fix. If I take care of her food curiosity and creativity, we both do well.

Last night, while taking the rug doctor back, I was listening to a great program on the Catholic radio. The radio station is back on the air. Maybe there was something wrong with my radio (in a new vehicle?), the station had stopped transmitting, or it was being jammed for a while, but I had not been able to receive it for quite some time after the election. In any case, the broadcast was regarding how men and women think (quite differently, no surprise there), but more, how men need to deal with women and some pointers on how women could improve their relationships and why things might not work. There are many things I do not understand about women. The first is that emotional reaction, especially when it gets to the point of her saying “I do not want to talk about it.” You see, I thought that was a good thing. Because, I know I did not want to talk about it. But that seems to be the wrong reaction, or at least, not the best one. Apparently from the show, and I think it is correct in hindsight, we should pursue without chasing her. We need to poke into the bees nest gently. There were many other things in the program which really caught my attention as sounding correct. But I was driving, I was stopping here, returning this, and ordering that, so it was a bit broken.

Later, when I was in my cooling down stage, I turned to the Catholic tv station. And, the program was on there! So, I watched from start to stop, this time without interruption. I am amazed at the content. This fellow, the guest, does pre-marriage and marriage counseling. But more, he is involved with some of the research in this department. What he brought forth was the proper role for men and women, not based on just on tradition, but on what we have gathered from science to date. They may now, to some extent, watch the brain in action! Men and women, are indeed, very different beings. How we think and live is so vastly different that it is silly to try and say we are only different in our genitalia. That is no surprise, as I have said, but what is surprising is how well that is pegged now, in science and truth, and how little that information is presented. But more, those differences allow for male and females roles which can complement and interact so well in a partnership of marriage. We were made to do so, and it is plain to see. Women do not need men like fish need bicycles, they need men like fish need water. And, yes, men need women. For both sexes, it is about fulfilling selflessly, I think. It is about being two bodies and one being. It is one of the predominant ways of being holy, healthy, and right. I see now, the power in that, and why the evil of the world wishes to sunder that.

In any case, I came away with a new awe at the whole thing. I was able to see why I can be considered “impossible”, and why I have thought women were simply crazy (though, I do hold judgment for further evidence :P ). I am really thinking about this. I am exploring the issue personally, looking at the past, and considering the future. This one program, first by ear then with video, has created a paradigm shift for me. I cannot quite wrap my bean around all of it all at once, but the gears are moving. I think I am going to do some more reading. I am going to look at things I have missed and things I am weak with.

Some of it, only some of it.

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The rug doctor was a mess to empty, as it turns out. Even with some care and forethought, my ignorance won. That is fine, I needed to mop the bathroom anyway. I got it back in plenty of time and grabbed a bite to eat. I had considered eating out and having better food at the same price. My weariness won that battle so I took home Mcfood. When I arrived home, I had to push to start work and it was difficult to stay on task. I was getting some things done however, if rather slowly, when I received a knock on the door. I was pretty sure who it was. The mother of the neighbor lady had asked for my phone number as my lady friend and I returned for our mutual final time. She asked if I would be available later and then said that she would call. My lady friend, quite out loud, snipped “What does she want!”. Fortunately, the woman did not hear. I know because I asked if she had heard that. She smiled and said she had not, and quipped about my friend being a bit of a firecracker. I assured her she was right on, but not to worry too much. My friend is like this evenly to all, much more so when she is tired. Perhaps my move has created some jealousy of friendship too.

It seems the lady from next door, for the moment, needs some things. She would like to use my printer when I get it set up, but more, needs a driver tomorrow for some business and a medical appointment. The appointment is far away, relatively. I agreed to the thing. So, at 7:30, I need to be ready to take her out and about. Her appointment is not until 10:00, so it will be a bit of a day of driving. She kept trying to explain why she needed to ride, and to suggest we might talk on the way. I assured her, again, there is no need to explain. And, yes, I would do this for most people, should I have the time. And, though it will interfere in my plans, what is new. I will simply have to redouble my work when I return.

After that was settled, I finished setting up the bedroom. The floor was bone dry, beyond a doubt, so I was able to set almost all of it up. The bed was more difficult to set up then it was to take down. But it is done, clean sheets and all. I did not put the mirror back on the dresser, I am simply too tired. I have run out of energy for the day. I do not want to push and break something. The cave feels a lot better. Not so much that it is cleaner, but as I have unpacked two rooms to put things back into the bedroom, there is again solid air flow. It is not so stuffy, humid, and tight feeling. Yes, it is good. I will be ready for bed when I can rid myself of the juice I needed to create internally in order to finish what of my tasks I could.

I will enjoy serving again, though. I think my lady friend needed a friend more than anything else today. She is feeling old, she is feeling weak, and she is feeling a bit abandoned, already, by my move. I know those feelings. As a fact, I share them. I am attempting to fix my feelings by moving to a place where I have a better chance at finding a life if I will miss her greatly. I cannot help her in this. I cannot take her with me. She is an unresolved problem, in some sense. I will try to stay in contact, I will try to be a friend, but with such distance, I am not sure that will work. She is someone I bring to God in prayer. I fear for her, as her life slows down and changes. The lady I will be driving tomorrow I do not know at all, really. I had asked her to dinner, as a friend, but that never happened. I think we are too different for her to wish to be friends, I think. Perhaps she is looking for more and from others. Still, helping is just that. Too, I love to drive.

A little more ice water, a little more thinking, and some relaxation, and I think I will be ready to rest. I am very tired. I have already set my alarm clock just in case. Tomorrow might be a rough day, and waking up might be difficult. But after doing so well the last few weeks, I think I can do it.

Goodnight people. I will send a prayer your way, some of you by name, all of you in general. Sleep well.

I took the day off, or part of it, from my tasks.

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I did sleep in this morning, until 10:30 or so. As I was waking and deciding what to do first, my lady friend arrived and asked if I would go with her to look for a tiller. She had asked this of me Monday then never showed. I thought this might be coming but I had not been sure when. Though I had some other things I wanted to do today, I agreed. We visited a number of hardware stores, I think, then went to lunch… or did we go to lunch first? Lunch was good. I tried something I almost never consider, just to be different. Actually, I tried two things I almost never order at a restaurant. I order a chicken (grilled) salad, which was the special of the day. I usually do not like the notion of specials, and most restaurants use chicken breast which I generally abhor. It was indeed chicken breast, it was very good, and it was new. We also shared two tapas, grilled asparagus and a mushroom dish. I think I did well, if it is not something I will do again soon. Then, whatever order that happened, we continued on to other stores. She is looking for a petite industrial tiller, an impossibility I think. I was just along for the ride. I remained quiet unless she asked something or made a comment which opened a door, though without brooding or judging. Even then though, I kept my conversations brief and polite. Finally, we stopped for a spot of tea. I cannot be certain, perhaps she will not buy a machine at all, though I would guess she will end up buying what I had suggested initially, if a larger sized one. Sears has a fairly good reputation, and for the price, I do not think they can be beat.

I just arrived home after a long slog through stores, traffic, eateries, and such. I am fairly tired, which is why my memory seems to be lacking. Still, I need to get the rug doctor back by 20:30. I would like to set up some of the bedroom, save for wooden components, And I am about ready for food again. I had hoped to have these done by now, but I have all of this evening, Thursday, and most of Friday to put the place into reasonable repair. It was a pleasant day, one I had fully intended to be less demanding. I was merely the driver and a conferee. I can see that she worries about life when I am gone, as do I a bit. But there is nothing to be done for it. She will be the millionth and one friend lost to time and space. Sad but that is how life goes. This place is not for me, and I am not for it. She belongs here, she is a part of this place.

When speaking with my neighbor recently, I think I said too much. I spoke of aspects of my life and some of the complexities therein, during a discussion about related matters. I think there may be great problems about what I said. Some things should not be shared, it seems, and I am a slow learner. I have a difficult time with that, wishing to let people know all. I have heard nothing about the plans for Friday or Saturday. It may be something else, other plans which they did not know about, their financial situation, or such, but I am pretty sure it was the disclosure. I went through this with my brother and his wife, though that was a different set of circumstances the outcome may be the same. I can never be sure until told, however, whether things have changed.

Well, back to work. I did not, of course, clean the carpet again. I hope I can empty the tank simply enough. Cleaning it, otherwise, should be simple. The bed will be easy to restore, along with the nightstand and probably the dresser since it is both on wheels and those wheels are on sliders. I think I will keep the rest of the floor bare until I am more sure that it is dry. I might even, finally, dig into the dishes. Yes, I know… I know, I know. But first, the vac back and something to eat. This was a good day away from the cave, a good day to reflect, and a great food day. I had best get up and get going or I am going to fall asleep.

Have a good afternoon.

A few beers later, oddly.

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The meal and the beer was very good! I have not taken to writing odd and embarrassing things on other people’s blogs. No, my friends, I have been a good boy. Or, urhm, as far as anyone knows. *a belly laugh for me here* But I do remember something I had wanted to say, for the last few weeks.

I keep hearing, through song, common media, and personal discussions, how people want to see their Maker, when their time is done. They have questions as to why their lives have been so harsh. They want to ask about their wife, whether she was faithful, their parents and whether they were honest, and other such things. I have spoken of these things before. But, I wish to be more specific. I have been dreaming that this needs to be said and heard. The truth is, when you meet Christ, you will lose all of that. You will know YOU are the only one who matters. If your spouse cheats on you, it is best to forgive now and every time. If your parents lied to you, your boss cheated you, or your children hated you, let it go. The problem is not them, it is YOU. When you are before Him, the questions you have held in your heart will make you less before Him. Let them go now, for you will find no voice for them when you meet Him. Meet Him now, and let them go. Let that bitterness and hardening of your heart go now. For when you see Love, this impurity will only hurt you.

I think I have finally said what I have been called to say, as clearly as I may, and without any ambiguity. And yes, I have been internalizing this. When I see Jesus, I will simply do so with open arms to let him remake me. My only question will be, have I let go of enough? Show me what I must lose. I have tried to let go of hate, bigotry, unrighteous racism, and all such things. If the sty in my eye is a log, will You show me how to remove it? I merely wish to serve, make me as You would, so that it pleases you and makes me upright. Yes, that is the only answer and question I have. However, I am full of thanks, awe, and righteous fear. I am open to You and welcoming of You.

Yes, it is that simple. Imperfect I am, seeking perfection I am more so. Finally, I feel free of this call. I have done my simple task, finally, today. It was more important to me than all my other tasks. I just could not get it out rightly, until now. Now, I can sleep. One personal, and one holy task, completed. The latter the vastly more important. It is so odd to live in flesh though already beyond it. But, that is the way of those who pray to be holy. And, it is beautiful. As Christ’s murder was a vital sin, so too are our personal sins vital for us to learn what is less so that me might strive for and find what is greater and true. Thought I cry and find shame for my life, my sins, and the sins of the world, these things teach me so that I might be strong and worthy. If the time is tomorrow or beyond my life, in time, time itself will not be remembered as a phenomena. But what came of it, good or ill for any individual, will become potent beyond words.

Now I may rest. I will rest well this night, I think. Good night.

Done!

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The actual task took less than 15 minutes. The prep took more than a week. I also did most of the hallway. Wow. Now, I must admit something. I did not think the job was necessary. There was dirt, but not really that much. I would guess it was simply dust. What I did need, however, was a purpose with real earthly and practical goals and visible progress. I needed a test, I needed something to allow me to push. It worked. And, though I am not happy with my pace, I did a lot of work of many different types. I had to think, plan, lift, load boxes, move furniture, clean furniture, and such. I mixed work with pleasure, with common chores in there, and became more sociable. As well, I really did get a lot of the work I needed to do for my longer term goal of moving. I thought about doing it again, but I do not think I will need to do that (if I do want to figure out how to do the front room, which does need it). I will see how fast it dries though, and if it dries as fast as my mother suggested, I may hit it again before I take the machine back. I only need to wash the walls, decide whether to vacuum it again, then set the room back up. As well, I can use the far side of the bed for storage now, so that my spare room will be more accessible.

I was totally wrong. Beer sounds quite good right now. I think I will go out for another meal, Burger King if they are still open, or some other such. Drive through is the thing, with ice tea. Oh, and maybe some ice. I ended up not doing any grocery shopping. Before I left, I tried to call my Mother. She had company (and I would guess was getting some juicy information). She asked if I could call in a bit. So, I was trying to economize my time. Oh, bother, I do not think I will stop for ice this time either. I am really starting to become tired. I figure a burger, some fries, tea, and then beer, then I will crash so very pleasantly.

Is seems that my Mom will be here in time for steak Friday, and has no difficulty with me going to the gun show (and no interest in going herself). She thinks she will sleep in a bit, then take a peek around the place at her pace. She has not had the chance to sleep in for a long time. That all works out well. Hmm, I might have to bring her a treat back. I wonder if she would like a rose patterned pistol? I had better stick to some kind of food, a treat, or something like that... She would not shoot me, but I might have to dodge a fancy piece of metal whizzing toward me.

So nice, so very nice. It is done, minus the reconstruction. Maybe there is a world for me to explore a bit more. Maybe I can do something from time to time, something special, neat, unique, stressing, and physically demanding. It seems I just have to trick myself into preparing. Though I think I will, then, need to rest for a bit. Oh, and perhaps, in time, I will learn to be more practical with my goals. Yeah, it could happen. Woot!

It will be done.

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I made a few calls. Having learned that the rental shop is open until 22:00 allowed me the confidence to stick with the task rather than split off and perhaps lose my focus. The room is clear, except for the headboard, which I have no room for. Thankfully, it is metal. I can simply move it as needed. I was a little surprised that I could manage to get the mattress off the bed by myself. It is 16” or 18” thick, and extra heavy duty beyond that. It has no handles, so this was compression lifting. I decided to see if I could carry it to my assigned storage area by myself. Sure enough, I have it, and the rest of the bed, safely stowed. Actually the bed frame was the most painful item to move but that had nothing to do with weight. I am barefoot, and was when moving it. Darn but that is extremely unforgiving metal! Having stubbed my toe several times, dinged my shins a time or two, and cut my fingers and hand a few times, I think I deserve a beer or three! But, not until the carpet is cleaned. Drats, beer might not sound good by then.

I found a place for everything except that headboard, if everything is definitely not in it’s place. I ended up putting the computer and (I think) speakers under the table, everything is mostly out of danger of being tripped over, dropped, or otherwise damaged. It is not pretty, but it is done. I hope I can get the rest of the place in order and that the carpet dries in time for my mother's visit, so she may have a comfy clean place to stay. I have plans to bring steaks for my neighbor family, myself, and my mother if she is coming by then, this Friday. As well, I have plans to go to a gun show Saturday, if only in the morning. I have not received confirmation yet, so I simply cannot be certain. I think I will go to the gun show either way, if my Mom lets me. Ha! Back to that, I guess, but she is my Mom, a guest, and such. Oh, and she is a woman too. Those dratted women keep telling me what to do, and mostly, I listen (if I do not always obey, urhm, once they are out of sight). If I do not fear men, I do fear women. Gnarly critters, with teeth, and the EYE, and things like that. And the roar that hurts my ears, and... and... and stuff like that! I know why a bear might back away from wolverines and badgers... oh, and the claws... Yikes!

Well, I think it is about time to make myself presentable, go find a place which allows grumbling stomachs, and smack down some solid food fuel, pick up some groceries, the vacuum and supplies, dominate the carpet, and then decide about a beer or four. And remember, never drink alone. I drink two beers in a big glass so I am not drinking alone and because my doctor wanted me to cut back to one beer (it is all in how you slice the pizza, pie, or cake?). No, my doctor never told me to cut down. Though, pretty much, they recommend, what, 2 ounces of meat (if you must), a couple bushels of grain (BEER!), and a basket of fruit. No, I do not think so. If I wanted to stupidify myself, I would become a doctor! Bother… They cannot even be believing what they are suggesting, because they could not possibly follow their own orders.

Do not worry, doing a bit of work gets me a little excited. Hmm, sort of like drinking. Oh well. I am just being goofy today. You need not follow my wisdom to the letter this day, we will see about tomorrow. *grins* It is a gas, all of it, even the tail end for supper part. Well, maybe not that last. Then again?

I am quite excited, not just with the work nearing completion, but with the prospects of buying a home, settling into a quiet and respectable state, and figuring out what to do from then on. Some of the places I am looking at, strongly, have outhouses, for horses (most have plumbing:p) I have always wanted a horse, something small like a Clydesdale, Belgian, and the like. Something which would be like me, and fit me better. Although with mountain riding in mind, I might need to be careful in choosing the right horse. Just think, a midget on a tiny pony! Oh, and though it would be interesting to have armor, do no expect that. It is not quite my thing, anymore, unless I happen upon some top of the line modern body armor. But I cannot quite see using that on a Belgian. Nice camo armor to deflect the light of the sun as I seek seclusion? No, no, no… it does not quite fit the fairy tale scene, does it.

Enough day doodling, I best get cleaned up and on my way. I had best pick up the vacuum first, meals have a way of talking me out of work. Being halfway through by picking up the vacuum though, yeah, I can then finish. Good evening.

Very close. If becoming more complicated.

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I was able to really dig into the bedroom. Almost everything is out, but I am trying to figure out where to put the mirror, safely, and a few other items. I am about as out of room everywhere as I can be. Then again, I am not the best packer in the world, not even close. To further add to the frustration, my new computer is here, and the rest of the last of the order in yet another relatively big box. However, I am quite pleased about the computer! It was not necessarily due until Friday, and I have the whole rig, parts pieces and peripherals here on Tuesday… amazing really.

I heard nothing back from neighbor, lady friend, mother, or the realtor. I wanted to keep on top of the apartment, and it is a good thing I did. She had neither emailed or called, and apparently there are three people set to look at the place tomorrow. She indicated that a $25 fee would be required, along with an application. I suggested she scan and email the application. She also had two other apartments coming available, but those seem to be more long term and cost a good deal more. From talking to her, and the interruptions and confusion on her end, it sounds like there is a great deal of activity there now. In any case, I will have to stay on top of things as I do not believe she has the time to tend my case. It would be nice to hear from other people, but I think I will let most of them off the hook, save my Mom. I need to know when she is coming, for sure.

I believe I will clean up just a bit, then head out to look for a rug doctor (or such) rental. Perhaps I should call around first. I still need to vacuum, clear out the bed itself, and tend a few smaller items, but it is close enough. I need to make sure I get everything I need for the device too, like cleaning fluids, filters, whatever. I hope they have someone working the rental who knows what they are talking about, because I certainly do not. I am going to try and force it through and finish by the time I lay my weary head on the couch. A week late, or more, but not a dollar short.

Tomorrow, I may see if the new computer can be set up. If so, I will begin securing my online world, one password section at a time. Whoever is messing with it, so far, only seems to complicate my life. Money and credit and such, to date, to my knowledge, has not been stolen or abused if it has been opened. Perhaps they only have a partial hold on my system, perhaps they are using it for other things, whatever the case, I think this will be at an end. Since I can do little else until the carpet dries, the project will offer me something to keep me occupied. What I will do with this machine, for the moment, I will just have to figure out on the fly. Perhaps it should just be packed and stored immediately. In truth though, I have no real idea how to safely pack a computer, nor do I have boxes which will fit rightly.

I am still a bit confused and overwhelmed. I am just getting it done and hoping for the best, as it turns out. I suppose all of life is a bit of a wing and a prayer. Since I will be in a temporary place for a bit, until I can find a proper house, I thought again of Pods. I found their link, I put my vitals in to check costs on their calculator and… was told I need to call. I hate that. I suspect if I was moving from anywhere to anywhere else, they would force me to call. It is a gimmick. They know it is more difficult saying no to a real live person then just seeing the bloated cost and clicking the link away, well, think again. And, they got information I did not really wish to share. I really hate that. Still, if reasonably comparable in costs and effort after considering storage costs, the hassle of unpacking and packing two more times, and the cost of a rental truck for a long and relatively short haul, they may be the best bet. Leaving 90% of my items in storage will hurt my not a bit, for a medium term of time. Still, it is irritating. Yeah, just like me?

Back to it. Good day. Oh, someone is messing with my machine while I write this. They are online with me. I suppose they did not realize I could tell. I have known about that for a while. Live or ghost program, I am not alone.