.
.
It was brutal waking up. I think my friend called... many times. And my alarm is still somehow buzzing in my ear. A horrible morning waking up, one nightmares are made of. It was worth it though. The trip was simple. I forgot the map I had printed and so it took me a short bit longer to find the place. I was taken right in without a moments wait, merely needing to sign two sign in sheets, first at the military outpost on the first floor, then in the office.
I forgot to deal with my vocational rehabilitation papers, but there will be time for that. I did get the tax papers. It seems, however, that the county like the state offices are closed on Fridays. The lady working with me, quite a charming woman, tried to call the office to offer me more information, especially after I had told them I was a disabled veteran last year and they told me there was no tax reduction for me. That will be handled Monday. My friend, almost jokingly, suggested he call me again Monday to try and help me get going. I asked if that would be an imposition, and he... I think he likes it. Ha!
On the way home we stopped at a shooters store. He picked up a poncho, and I picked up another one. He asked if I wished for two ponchos, with different colors, so that I might color coordinate, and then laughed. Yeah, he likes jesting. We then went to dinner at one of the best steak houses in the state. No, the prices are not what one might expect. Utah is not a money rich state and this region is less so. What you get here though, I would guess you cannot get in most cities for quality of service, top meats, and the setting. I tried their prime rib. I like the ribeye better, but this was one of the finest prime ribs I have ever had. Often, with prime rib, the au jus is often very artificial or chemical tasting. This had no false taste to it. As promised, I picked up the check.
I did forget to buy a crowbar on the way back through town though. I stopped for tobacco and milk, for which Sassy is much pleased. A quiet ride home and that is that. Who knows, perhaps a bit of work yesterday and the driving today will jog something loose and I can get back to working. Maybe I pushed in the heat and for too long of a period. I really needed a break, several of them, and was able to bulldoze through. I suppose I should not complain. Much like how the Austrian School describes economic boom and bust, we all live under those types of constraints. Some of us more so than others. And, my boom and bust may be much smaller than that of others, but it is within my capacity. A bust was inevitable, as D.C. pointed out. Past due even. That it is not even worse is probably in part due to an expansion of endurance and being in a place that is healthier and saner for me.
Well, that is it. I will probably be crashing before too long. I did well today, no drowsy moments, no real sluggishness even after the meal, but I am feeling it. And, glad for it. Oh, I have not found the stuff for sleep D.C. recommended. The organo place did not carry it. If I can get up and moving tomorrow, I will go into town since I need a crowbar as well anyway, and a few other things. But for tonight, I do not think I will need it.
Later or good night, Caroline.
Friday, September 24, 2010
It is something.
.
.
Not being able to sleep, yet having a difficult time getting to anything, I finally pushed and took a shower. Then I went out and tore the pallet of plywood and roofing underlay apart, stacking them in the garage. I then grabbed the pallet of steel roofing and, whole, moved it into the garage. I was not sure I was going to be able to do that. Once the pallet of wood sheets was released, it was easy enough to handle sheet by sheet, but even in good times I was a bit doubtful about the steel roofing pallet, since I really did not want it taken apart (I think I had reasons not to do so... I think). My muscles have been hurting. My legs and arms have been cramping, I would guess from the lack of use and the constant position of either being in my chair at the computer, on the couch, or in bed for the last... week? two weeks? In any case, and oddly, I had zero problems doing any of the work. And, while I was out I thought I would back the X into the garage now that it is clear to do so. Then, once in the vehicle, I decided to check my mail. Hey, almost a work bonanza!
I received a report from the V.A. My doc, at our last visit, had prescribed some diabetes medicine. In the mail I found that medicine and some other medication as well as a letter, the report. It seems my diabetes is being controlled through diet! My A1C is 6.3. However, my potassium is very low, so low that the doc has prescribed pills for that. There seems to be some other problem as well. Something about creatinine creeping up and "mod microalb". Creatinine deals with kidneys, higher levels are risks for failure. But "mod micralb" I have not really been able to nail down. Now, and again, I will probably see if I can find a munchable way to add potassium, as, well, I hate taking anything. Further, I have doubts about the bodies ability to utilize raw vitamins and minerals. The rest will just have to be suffered through. No medicine past my lips will go.
I am planning to drive to SLC today. I may try to rest some yet this morning. I hope to leave here, or Logan, by 11:00, but even when life is good that is often... negotiable. It is a plan until my feet hit the floor, my butt gets planted in the seat, and I feel vent in my face. Then it is usually called 'late'. I am a man, it is how some subsection of us operate.
Anyway, I was pleased that I was able to do the little bits that were done. And, in the middle of the night the only one to tell was... Blogger.
Update: (already) Uh-oh... looks like I may HAVE to take the potassium. If it were not a major item, I would not worry about it. But it is vital for the heart to function, among other things. The problem with simply eating more potassium is that I already am eating everything they recommend at the top of their list, two gallons of milk a week, several potatoes with the skins, cheese, cottage cheese, and sour cream by the albeit small buckets, beans by the ton, and a decent amount of beef and pork, if I do miss the fruits and vegetables. Everything I eat is on their recommended list of things to eat to add potassium. That is just plain weird.
.
Not being able to sleep, yet having a difficult time getting to anything, I finally pushed and took a shower. Then I went out and tore the pallet of plywood and roofing underlay apart, stacking them in the garage. I then grabbed the pallet of steel roofing and, whole, moved it into the garage. I was not sure I was going to be able to do that. Once the pallet of wood sheets was released, it was easy enough to handle sheet by sheet, but even in good times I was a bit doubtful about the steel roofing pallet, since I really did not want it taken apart (I think I had reasons not to do so... I think). My muscles have been hurting. My legs and arms have been cramping, I would guess from the lack of use and the constant position of either being in my chair at the computer, on the couch, or in bed for the last... week? two weeks? In any case, and oddly, I had zero problems doing any of the work. And, while I was out I thought I would back the X into the garage now that it is clear to do so. Then, once in the vehicle, I decided to check my mail. Hey, almost a work bonanza!
I received a report from the V.A. My doc, at our last visit, had prescribed some diabetes medicine. In the mail I found that medicine and some other medication as well as a letter, the report. It seems my diabetes is being controlled through diet! My A1C is 6.3. However, my potassium is very low, so low that the doc has prescribed pills for that. There seems to be some other problem as well. Something about creatinine creeping up and "mod microalb". Creatinine deals with kidneys, higher levels are risks for failure. But "mod micralb" I have not really been able to nail down. Now, and again, I will probably see if I can find a munchable way to add potassium, as, well, I hate taking anything. Further, I have doubts about the bodies ability to utilize raw vitamins and minerals. The rest will just have to be suffered through. No medicine past my lips will go.
I am planning to drive to SLC today. I may try to rest some yet this morning. I hope to leave here, or Logan, by 11:00, but even when life is good that is often... negotiable. It is a plan until my feet hit the floor, my butt gets planted in the seat, and I feel vent in my face. Then it is usually called 'late'. I am a man, it is how some subsection of us operate.
Anyway, I was pleased that I was able to do the little bits that were done. And, in the middle of the night the only one to tell was... Blogger.
Update: (already) Uh-oh... looks like I may HAVE to take the potassium. If it were not a major item, I would not worry about it. But it is vital for the heart to function, among other things. The problem with simply eating more potassium is that I already am eating everything they recommend at the top of their list, two gallons of milk a week, several potatoes with the skins, cheese, cottage cheese, and sour cream by the albeit small buckets, beans by the ton, and a decent amount of beef and pork, if I do miss the fruits and vegetables. Everything I eat is on their recommended list of things to eat to add potassium. That is just plain weird.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
That did not work either.
.
.
I was up until 10:00. I simply could not get to anything. I then crashed so hard and fast I do not remember fighting the pillow, let alone seeing it. Blindsided I was. I woke around 17:00. I have eaten today. That is it.
Beyond having trouble getting to things, I have been avoiding phone calls. My home (landline) phone rings often, though I discount that completely. I have only ever received calls to the wrong number on it. I will not continue that phone, I will cancel that when the deal is up. I cannot believe I would receive 8 to 10 wrong calls... a DAY! Something is up with that, if I may never know what. I may have suspicions though.
The only phone calls I have been taking are from my mother, rare as those have been. I suspect she had hoped I would take her up on her offer to move here, ostensibly for financial gain on my part. I need no financial assistants, even if a bit shy this month. I see that as a trap. If she wants to move here, she may. But I do not believe she would be a financial boon. I suspect she would be an expense. Which, to a smaller degree, is acceptable. But I will not ask for her help as that would limit my ability to set rules. Her smoking is not permitted, there are culinary difficulties with her, there are certain rules I would lay down, and this would be my home not a shared enterprise. I know if I asked her to come, she would see that as a need, and in need she would see my rules and order as something to be set aside or taken more lightly. I will not abide that. She must surrender to move here. That sounds draconian, and to a degree it is, but I must watch myself in this. I would love to have her, but not without leverage. It is the way of women, or at least her.
Anyway, tonight I took a call from my friend. Seeing that I could not get to SLC by myself, I asked if he would go along tomorrow. Supper would be the prize, something good. Though low on cash, I have enough for supper out for two, the trip, and groceries for the remainder of the month. Having someone going along will help me stay awake. And having someone in on the planning will help make sure the trip happens. I did find out that my push to get him into the doctor who fixed his nose the last time he had that done has worked. He is set for surgery the 19th of next month. This has stopped his blood loss before, several times, and for several years. The doctor saw that the space is now open again, obviously, to allow for bleeding. He thinks that can be fixed quite easily and again. Further, my friend has sinus problems, which need to be cleared regularly due to some disorder or other. Those may be causing some of his severe halitosis. We will see. If that works well, I will remind him to go in once in a while. I think it has been some time since my friend had a friend who steered him to care for himself.
If I can figure out how to get going I will put the supplies up tonight. It is dark but I do have lights and flashlights. Wow what a mess I am in. And yet I keep trying. I have pulled back to the confines of my cranium, and stomach. Sam and Sassy do keep me somewhat more in this realm than the nether of mind and feral corpse though, and their needs are being met well to boot. The funny thing is, like when I was a child and grounded to my bedroom... I am oddly comfortable here. So there is at least that. It is frustrating though, knowing I have all the materials needed to do the roof on the hen house and to construct my reloading station and get that going with enough consumables to reload many bullets, only to find myself frozen. *vapor lock!* I want to TINKER, man. I want to play, dude. I want to work, bud. Still, it is nice to know that in down times caused by my nature or of the greater world around me I can indeed survive, and even thrive in an odd little gimp way, the certainty that there may, often, be little to do.
Heh! I just remembered. When I entered the Navy, in bootcamp, our C.C.s suggested that "nukes" (those who enlisted in the nuke program) were easy to deal with. We were fair minded and capable, only varied with the rules every so slightly and in a gentlemanly way (like figuring out how to obtain and supply chewing tobacco to our cohorts and ourselves in a well planned, group activated, properly executed military manner despite the ban), and could be set aside to entertain ourselves with things as simple as a pencil and rubber band. Heh. The description still fits, in it's own way... maybe even directly? Nah. I do not need a pencil and rubber band anymore... I graduated!
Sorry for the long list of nothing, but such is the way of it. I added that last to let you know that, in spite of some recent darker psychprints written here, I am in good shape for the shape I am in. Those menacing mindscapes are merely thoughts which arise and how I treat them, think about them. Or, to put it in a graduated manner, they are my rubber bands and pencils. Weee! :p
.
I was up until 10:00. I simply could not get to anything. I then crashed so hard and fast I do not remember fighting the pillow, let alone seeing it. Blindsided I was. I woke around 17:00. I have eaten today. That is it.
Beyond having trouble getting to things, I have been avoiding phone calls. My home (landline) phone rings often, though I discount that completely. I have only ever received calls to the wrong number on it. I will not continue that phone, I will cancel that when the deal is up. I cannot believe I would receive 8 to 10 wrong calls... a DAY! Something is up with that, if I may never know what. I may have suspicions though.
The only phone calls I have been taking are from my mother, rare as those have been. I suspect she had hoped I would take her up on her offer to move here, ostensibly for financial gain on my part. I need no financial assistants, even if a bit shy this month. I see that as a trap. If she wants to move here, she may. But I do not believe she would be a financial boon. I suspect she would be an expense. Which, to a smaller degree, is acceptable. But I will not ask for her help as that would limit my ability to set rules. Her smoking is not permitted, there are culinary difficulties with her, there are certain rules I would lay down, and this would be my home not a shared enterprise. I know if I asked her to come, she would see that as a need, and in need she would see my rules and order as something to be set aside or taken more lightly. I will not abide that. She must surrender to move here. That sounds draconian, and to a degree it is, but I must watch myself in this. I would love to have her, but not without leverage. It is the way of women, or at least her.
Anyway, tonight I took a call from my friend. Seeing that I could not get to SLC by myself, I asked if he would go along tomorrow. Supper would be the prize, something good. Though low on cash, I have enough for supper out for two, the trip, and groceries for the remainder of the month. Having someone going along will help me stay awake. And having someone in on the planning will help make sure the trip happens. I did find out that my push to get him into the doctor who fixed his nose the last time he had that done has worked. He is set for surgery the 19th of next month. This has stopped his blood loss before, several times, and for several years. The doctor saw that the space is now open again, obviously, to allow for bleeding. He thinks that can be fixed quite easily and again. Further, my friend has sinus problems, which need to be cleared regularly due to some disorder or other. Those may be causing some of his severe halitosis. We will see. If that works well, I will remind him to go in once in a while. I think it has been some time since my friend had a friend who steered him to care for himself.
If I can figure out how to get going I will put the supplies up tonight. It is dark but I do have lights and flashlights. Wow what a mess I am in. And yet I keep trying. I have pulled back to the confines of my cranium, and stomach. Sam and Sassy do keep me somewhat more in this realm than the nether of mind and feral corpse though, and their needs are being met well to boot. The funny thing is, like when I was a child and grounded to my bedroom... I am oddly comfortable here. So there is at least that. It is frustrating though, knowing I have all the materials needed to do the roof on the hen house and to construct my reloading station and get that going with enough consumables to reload many bullets, only to find myself frozen. *vapor lock!* I want to TINKER, man. I want to play, dude. I want to work, bud. Still, it is nice to know that in down times caused by my nature or of the greater world around me I can indeed survive, and even thrive in an odd little gimp way, the certainty that there may, often, be little to do.
Heh! I just remembered. When I entered the Navy, in bootcamp, our C.C.s suggested that "nukes" (those who enlisted in the nuke program) were easy to deal with. We were fair minded and capable, only varied with the rules every so slightly and in a gentlemanly way (like figuring out how to obtain and supply chewing tobacco to our cohorts and ourselves in a well planned, group activated, properly executed military manner despite the ban), and could be set aside to entertain ourselves with things as simple as a pencil and rubber band. Heh. The description still fits, in it's own way... maybe even directly? Nah. I do not need a pencil and rubber band anymore... I graduated!
Sorry for the long list of nothing, but such is the way of it. I added that last to let you know that, in spite of some recent darker psychprints written here, I am in good shape for the shape I am in. Those menacing mindscapes are merely thoughts which arise and how I treat them, think about them. Or, to put it in a graduated manner, they are my rubber bands and pencils. Weee! :p
Hmm, that did not work.
.
.
Ah well, I am sure, in time, it will. I gave it a grand effort, laying quietly and still for 3 hours. With sleep nowhere on the horizon, I decided to read. Vox's book on economics has been completed. I should actually just say it has been read. His is a type of book where, once read, it is only a beginning. I would like to read more about the various schools of economics. We do have a library here, and with inter-library trading possible, I might just be able to find some of the references given.
My notions are that the book is accurate, clear, and I can see a strong potential for the prognostication offered. Having said that, I will then say that my grasp of economics is more based on how I view the world rather than any specific knowledge of economics, having only taken one course in microeconomics, a lower level course at that. Though the only difference between upper and lower level economics is the use of calculus in one and not in the other. Natural orders cannot be upended by the devices of men. A boom cannot exist into perpetuity. Things of that sort form my basics in reason, world-view, and even religion. Engineering, from what I have seen of it, seems to bear this out (sometimes by ignoring theory, albeit). Then again, maybe I just missed something in some of the theory too. That stuff can make even the most interested student a bit cross-eyed.
Beyond this, my mind has flittered from economics and the future to women. Even in my sad current state it is good to know I am a healthy man, if only in mind. I would worry more over not thinking of women than not thinking of food! That reminds me, I am hungry. Back to it. I keep seeing the deep divisions between men and women. Honestly, I think this exactly as it was meant to be though that is not the point of my consideration. And I have covered my versions of what has gone wrong on the part of women, law, and such. What I was thinking about tonight is the problem with men. Mostly, our expectations.
I do not think most men have a high expectation of a woman, a wife. What we have is a mistaken notion of what to expect. What we want from women often cannot be had because women are not what we think. Much like, say, a kitten. If I had only seen a kitten in a cage, only perhaps petted it slightly before obtaining the creature, and had never had one in my home, I would be surprised and perhaps horrified by the creature once in my home. They claw, they bite, and they either do not know or care what no means! Hmmm, I do not even think I sidetracked with that corollary!
I am not sure what women are and I have had a few in my home or have otherwise lived with them. I do not think I am supposed to know either. However, a little familiarity with the species has allowed me some insight. Women might have honor, respect, and bravery, but these things are so different from how a man perceives them that they seem to not have them at all. I have never understood how a woman can call herself honest and fib every other sentence? I think in this case, it means she is suggesting she is faithful. Women are not mechanically inclined if they may want to do something themselves anyway. They are emotional rather than logical, and even if logic oriented or trained can lose that in a heartbeat.
I think men have expectations that cannot be fulfilled by women. I think that this problem is further exacerbated by a world which is trying to live the lie that men and women are equal and really the same except for genitalia. Though, I think part of that latter problem is a problem women have more than men as most men do not buy that. Tinkerbells, pretty boys, and the like need not apply to the men club.
Sassy is enjoying her day already. Thankfully she is still too small to reach some places. Sam, if she still play hates Sassy, is sort of becoming attached to the furry pest too. To get Sam to come in, I have to put Sassy away in the bedroom. If I forget Sassy, Sassy is like I was when grounded to my room... in heaven. Sam, however, looks all over the house, behind the couches, in the kitchen, and comes to me to see if I have her tucked away. Then meows or taps me, at which time I let Sassy out, Sam bats her and chases and runs from her, then finds a highly defensible position from whence to ignore the little spitfire. And Sassy has always wanted to get near Sam. The two are almost ignoring poor old pop-o anymore. Ah, but pop-o has teh milcs.
I am going to simply try to stay up. In an hour, if I am still functioning, I will try to get the supplies stored, take a shower, and head to SLC. I am hoping the physical work will brace me for the long drive. It is difficult to drive when this tired, and I am this sleepy pretty much all day every day recently. Wish me luck.
.
Ah well, I am sure, in time, it will. I gave it a grand effort, laying quietly and still for 3 hours. With sleep nowhere on the horizon, I decided to read. Vox's book on economics has been completed. I should actually just say it has been read. His is a type of book where, once read, it is only a beginning. I would like to read more about the various schools of economics. We do have a library here, and with inter-library trading possible, I might just be able to find some of the references given.
My notions are that the book is accurate, clear, and I can see a strong potential for the prognostication offered. Having said that, I will then say that my grasp of economics is more based on how I view the world rather than any specific knowledge of economics, having only taken one course in microeconomics, a lower level course at that. Though the only difference between upper and lower level economics is the use of calculus in one and not in the other. Natural orders cannot be upended by the devices of men. A boom cannot exist into perpetuity. Things of that sort form my basics in reason, world-view, and even religion. Engineering, from what I have seen of it, seems to bear this out (sometimes by ignoring theory, albeit). Then again, maybe I just missed something in some of the theory too. That stuff can make even the most interested student a bit cross-eyed.
Beyond this, my mind has flittered from economics and the future to women. Even in my sad current state it is good to know I am a healthy man, if only in mind. I would worry more over not thinking of women than not thinking of food! That reminds me, I am hungry. Back to it. I keep seeing the deep divisions between men and women. Honestly, I think this exactly as it was meant to be though that is not the point of my consideration. And I have covered my versions of what has gone wrong on the part of women, law, and such. What I was thinking about tonight is the problem with men. Mostly, our expectations.
I do not think most men have a high expectation of a woman, a wife. What we have is a mistaken notion of what to expect. What we want from women often cannot be had because women are not what we think. Much like, say, a kitten. If I had only seen a kitten in a cage, only perhaps petted it slightly before obtaining the creature, and had never had one in my home, I would be surprised and perhaps horrified by the creature once in my home. They claw, they bite, and they either do not know or care what no means! Hmmm, I do not even think I sidetracked with that corollary!
I am not sure what women are and I have had a few in my home or have otherwise lived with them. I do not think I am supposed to know either. However, a little familiarity with the species has allowed me some insight. Women might have honor, respect, and bravery, but these things are so different from how a man perceives them that they seem to not have them at all. I have never understood how a woman can call herself honest and fib every other sentence? I think in this case, it means she is suggesting she is faithful. Women are not mechanically inclined if they may want to do something themselves anyway. They are emotional rather than logical, and even if logic oriented or trained can lose that in a heartbeat.
I think men have expectations that cannot be fulfilled by women. I think that this problem is further exacerbated by a world which is trying to live the lie that men and women are equal and really the same except for genitalia. Though, I think part of that latter problem is a problem women have more than men as most men do not buy that. Tinkerbells, pretty boys, and the like need not apply to the men club.
Sassy is enjoying her day already. Thankfully she is still too small to reach some places. Sam, if she still play hates Sassy, is sort of becoming attached to the furry pest too. To get Sam to come in, I have to put Sassy away in the bedroom. If I forget Sassy, Sassy is like I was when grounded to my room... in heaven. Sam, however, looks all over the house, behind the couches, in the kitchen, and comes to me to see if I have her tucked away. Then meows or taps me, at which time I let Sassy out, Sam bats her and chases and runs from her, then finds a highly defensible position from whence to ignore the little spitfire. And Sassy has always wanted to get near Sam. The two are almost ignoring poor old pop-o anymore. Ah, but pop-o has teh milcs.
I am going to simply try to stay up. In an hour, if I am still functioning, I will try to get the supplies stored, take a shower, and head to SLC. I am hoping the physical work will brace me for the long drive. It is difficult to drive when this tired, and I am this sleepy pretty much all day every day recently. Wish me luck.
Trying to sleep.
.
.
I will be attempting to sleep early, again. I took several days off, sleeping when it came and waking when that happened. Days? Some time period anyway. But tonight I will go back to that grist mill and see if sleep can be found. It is my great hope to wake early enough to store the building materials properly and then drive to Salt Lake City. I will want to leave here by 12:00, no later than 13:00, in hopes of finding someone who can do the things I need done.
As my mind is trying to close down, a thought came to me. Oh, it is nothing, but I did enjoy it.
While thinking about people who cannot countenance certain notions... must they incontinence the options?
Now that was some good poop. I had no control! Oh fine, I will leave and bid thee a good night.
.
I will be attempting to sleep early, again. I took several days off, sleeping when it came and waking when that happened. Days? Some time period anyway. But tonight I will go back to that grist mill and see if sleep can be found. It is my great hope to wake early enough to store the building materials properly and then drive to Salt Lake City. I will want to leave here by 12:00, no later than 13:00, in hopes of finding someone who can do the things I need done.
As my mind is trying to close down, a thought came to me. Oh, it is nothing, but I did enjoy it.
While thinking about people who cannot countenance certain notions... must they incontinence the options?
Now that was some good poop. I had no control! Oh fine, I will leave and bid thee a good night.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Republican promises.
.
.
I do not know who wrote the thing, the 21 page propaganda piece, though I am guessing some on the left have left the sinking ship they were on and have been hired for consultations? I read through it, roughly. The ideas seem, mostly, to be Republican as much as conservative. I liked some of it, as far as it went. But shoveling through more "read my lips" text did not really endear the party to me. How about 4 pages of what will be done. Another 2 pages describing what they will do if they simply do not have the political capital to do what they want in the first 4 pages. KISS, keep it simple, stupid.
I was hoping for something I could print and cozy up to as the election draws near. But no, I have more of the same rhetoric. KISS really works, complicated is what got us into this mess. All I want is for an implosion of government involvement in my, and every other American's life. I want a smaller, weaker, and to a degree stupider government. Smarts do not fair well. Stupid ones which are aware of their lot keep things humble, and mean to.
Beyond government size and influence, cut taxes, cut spending, take up the mantle of the super power we are and do what we must with it, keep our friends close and our enemies closer (without risking our lives), end quotas, end the social experiments regarding family and religion through taxation, relinquish schools to local control which means ending even state school boards, end academic financial support at the higher levels, pull back the FDA and EPA... A simple list would do well. Then keep those promises. I saw too much, if, when, should we be able... Either do or do not.
I grumble. Later.
.
I do not know who wrote the thing, the 21 page propaganda piece, though I am guessing some on the left have left the sinking ship they were on and have been hired for consultations? I read through it, roughly. The ideas seem, mostly, to be Republican as much as conservative. I liked some of it, as far as it went. But shoveling through more "read my lips" text did not really endear the party to me. How about 4 pages of what will be done. Another 2 pages describing what they will do if they simply do not have the political capital to do what they want in the first 4 pages. KISS, keep it simple, stupid.
I was hoping for something I could print and cozy up to as the election draws near. But no, I have more of the same rhetoric. KISS really works, complicated is what got us into this mess. All I want is for an implosion of government involvement in my, and every other American's life. I want a smaller, weaker, and to a degree stupider government. Smarts do not fair well. Stupid ones which are aware of their lot keep things humble, and mean to.
Beyond government size and influence, cut taxes, cut spending, take up the mantle of the super power we are and do what we must with it, keep our friends close and our enemies closer (without risking our lives), end quotas, end the social experiments regarding family and religion through taxation, relinquish schools to local control which means ending even state school boards, end academic financial support at the higher levels, pull back the FDA and EPA... A simple list would do well. Then keep those promises. I saw too much, if, when, should we be able... Either do or do not.
I grumble. Later.
Shame.
.
.
As I sit here, figuring out how to even do a few menial tasks, the word resonates with my situation. What triggered the thought was a television show. A boy, exposed by his brother, as having trouble with wetting the bed, kills his brother. The part was well played, I would know. Of course, from there, the seed grows and shame is viewed from many angles, times in my life, and on to shame others must bear.
No, I no longer wet the bed! Shame on you for even thinking such. I cannot be certain when it began, though it started about the time my beautiful babysitter waltzed me into sexuality. So, by 5, I was having this problem. In spite of the possible correlation to molestation, I do not think the two were related other than by time. I remember the many ways adults attempted to correct the behavior. Gifts were given for successfully not wetting the bed and punishments of various sorts were meted out for failures. The worst of the punishment was shame. To include having my sheets hung out my window as a teen.
Beyond the punishment was the knowledge that I could not spend nights at friends' homes. I had to be careful on camping trips and so quit the boy scouts. In it's time, bed wetting was a huge thing in my life. So, when I watched the boy who killed his brother, poor acting would have been noted. I even suspect, had just one thing been different, that boy could have been me. What that one thing is perhaps I will never know. To say that I was angry at many people, years later, when I came to know that because I was growing at an accelerated rate, I probably had little control, is an understatement. By 12 I was already 6'4", at which point I quit growing. I had size 12/13 feet and wore extra large mens' gloves, if too I weighed only 142 pounds. My organs, it seems, the bladder in particular, had no way to keep up with my growth. Starting out, so I am told, at 2 foot tall at birth (is that right, but it is what I was told), that leaves 4 feet and 6 inches spread over 12 years of growth. That is over 4 inches average per year, and about on target.
So, when I consider the other parts of my life which have caused the most deep and bitter shame, I certainly look at back door possibilities. How much of the shame, in essence, is mine. How much of the situation was the best option in a terrible situation? How much of it is due to simply being where I was without fault. And how much of that bitter apple did I see, take, and eat? That leaves plenty of shame, however. Further, even mitigating factors only offer a slight salve.
As I sit, today, in my crippled state, trying to figure out how to do what any normal man would simply have done, I have shame. It is a great shame. And, as I think on the thing, I am still unsure. Even if it is conditional, like the bladder, and not fully in my control, I realize that does not always matter. At least emotionally, and currently. Shame, like guilt, avarice, jealousy, hate, and others are not part of the thinking and logical. It, and they, can only possibly be dealt with using those parts. And, even using those parts, one may never know the truth about themselves in all situations. Such as the situation I am in.
I do wonder if those touched by shame are blessed or cursed. To be sure, I have met a few who seem to have no shame. Though none of those have ever killed to my knowledge, I would guess that such a thing would not have bothered them. As well, I am more sure from having met them that I much prefer my situation to theirs. Perhaps it is an oversensitivity which makes some not only aware of what is shameful, but more prone to it's effects. How one is raised also should be considered. I also wonder if people who know shame are weakened by too close or frequent a walk with that attribute or sensation. I cannot be sure, though I can suspect. As for me, to a greater degree, I have found a place to put shame, most of the time and when I realize it. I think most people, as was my old habit, forget it as quickly as possible and move on, hoping the thing will stay in the past. That is where danger lies. Not just murder, but suicide comes from a sudden realization of all the collected shame. The less dramatic effects can include leading a self-destructive life (both consciously and not), choosing poorly to avoid facing the various shames, and other little bits that lead to unhappiness, the real unhappiness.
Though I still bear shame, and will until I die and then some, if I am correct and before forgiveness can take place, I do have a means of treating the poison. I can slow it, sometimes stop it. Knowledge may help, though even knowing it was a bladder size problem only helped after years, maybe a decade. Owning it and handing it to my stated authority as reverently as any other gift I might offer is the major method. The trick to handing it in is making sure it is mine in the first place, thus my contemplation. I would no more hand in false suffering than fake money. There is one final method. That is action. Sometimes, figuring my way out of the box, I am able to tend that which needs attention.
The sad thing is that I know I live in a world where few have any method at all. I live in a world where people are shameful and shamed by it, waiting to combust with it and do almost anything. Like people on fire, literally, how any one may react when their shame and their conscious mind collide is... unknown, perhaps unknowable. But terrible things have come from not dealing with shame. As for me, though I have methods of caring for my shame, that is an ongoing process. Yeah, it's... uhrm... it's in the mail.
.
As I sit here, figuring out how to even do a few menial tasks, the word resonates with my situation. What triggered the thought was a television show. A boy, exposed by his brother, as having trouble with wetting the bed, kills his brother. The part was well played, I would know. Of course, from there, the seed grows and shame is viewed from many angles, times in my life, and on to shame others must bear.
No, I no longer wet the bed! Shame on you for even thinking such. I cannot be certain when it began, though it started about the time my beautiful babysitter waltzed me into sexuality. So, by 5, I was having this problem. In spite of the possible correlation to molestation, I do not think the two were related other than by time. I remember the many ways adults attempted to correct the behavior. Gifts were given for successfully not wetting the bed and punishments of various sorts were meted out for failures. The worst of the punishment was shame. To include having my sheets hung out my window as a teen.
Beyond the punishment was the knowledge that I could not spend nights at friends' homes. I had to be careful on camping trips and so quit the boy scouts. In it's time, bed wetting was a huge thing in my life. So, when I watched the boy who killed his brother, poor acting would have been noted. I even suspect, had just one thing been different, that boy could have been me. What that one thing is perhaps I will never know. To say that I was angry at many people, years later, when I came to know that because I was growing at an accelerated rate, I probably had little control, is an understatement. By 12 I was already 6'4", at which point I quit growing. I had size 12/13 feet and wore extra large mens' gloves, if too I weighed only 142 pounds. My organs, it seems, the bladder in particular, had no way to keep up with my growth. Starting out, so I am told, at 2 foot tall at birth (is that right, but it is what I was told), that leaves 4 feet and 6 inches spread over 12 years of growth. That is over 4 inches average per year, and about on target.
So, when I consider the other parts of my life which have caused the most deep and bitter shame, I certainly look at back door possibilities. How much of the shame, in essence, is mine. How much of the situation was the best option in a terrible situation? How much of it is due to simply being where I was without fault. And how much of that bitter apple did I see, take, and eat? That leaves plenty of shame, however. Further, even mitigating factors only offer a slight salve.
As I sit, today, in my crippled state, trying to figure out how to do what any normal man would simply have done, I have shame. It is a great shame. And, as I think on the thing, I am still unsure. Even if it is conditional, like the bladder, and not fully in my control, I realize that does not always matter. At least emotionally, and currently. Shame, like guilt, avarice, jealousy, hate, and others are not part of the thinking and logical. It, and they, can only possibly be dealt with using those parts. And, even using those parts, one may never know the truth about themselves in all situations. Such as the situation I am in.
I do wonder if those touched by shame are blessed or cursed. To be sure, I have met a few who seem to have no shame. Though none of those have ever killed to my knowledge, I would guess that such a thing would not have bothered them. As well, I am more sure from having met them that I much prefer my situation to theirs. Perhaps it is an oversensitivity which makes some not only aware of what is shameful, but more prone to it's effects. How one is raised also should be considered. I also wonder if people who know shame are weakened by too close or frequent a walk with that attribute or sensation. I cannot be sure, though I can suspect. As for me, to a greater degree, I have found a place to put shame, most of the time and when I realize it. I think most people, as was my old habit, forget it as quickly as possible and move on, hoping the thing will stay in the past. That is where danger lies. Not just murder, but suicide comes from a sudden realization of all the collected shame. The less dramatic effects can include leading a self-destructive life (both consciously and not), choosing poorly to avoid facing the various shames, and other little bits that lead to unhappiness, the real unhappiness.
Though I still bear shame, and will until I die and then some, if I am correct and before forgiveness can take place, I do have a means of treating the poison. I can slow it, sometimes stop it. Knowledge may help, though even knowing it was a bladder size problem only helped after years, maybe a decade. Owning it and handing it to my stated authority as reverently as any other gift I might offer is the major method. The trick to handing it in is making sure it is mine in the first place, thus my contemplation. I would no more hand in false suffering than fake money. There is one final method. That is action. Sometimes, figuring my way out of the box, I am able to tend that which needs attention.
The sad thing is that I know I live in a world where few have any method at all. I live in a world where people are shameful and shamed by it, waiting to combust with it and do almost anything. Like people on fire, literally, how any one may react when their shame and their conscious mind collide is... unknown, perhaps unknowable. But terrible things have come from not dealing with shame. As for me, though I have methods of caring for my shame, that is an ongoing process. Yeah, it's... uhrm... it's in the mail.
No planning.
.
.
I was, sort of, awake by 8:00. Not up and about, but roughly aware, or so I hoped. I did not want to miss the phone call and I had no idea when it would happen. I was hoping to get a call early and have some sort of scheduling capacity at that time. That did not happen. I received the call at 10:00, give or take 45 minutes, my mind even several hours later still fuzzy with sleepiness. They had the address wrong, he was down the street and there was no house with my address. No planning here at all. Out of bed, into jeans and a shirt, and out the door I went. Quite a load of stuff. Not all that heavy, but enough. It sits, I wonder when and how I can figure this stuff out.
I need to figure out how to store the stuff for now. The crowbar I used to have is no longer in my possession. That is one of the unquestionably needed tools for the work. I searched yesterday and could not find it. The rest of the tools are good and are waiting for the job. Until the purchase of another crow bar and the completion of the tear-down, the materials have to be stored. It will happen, just, not quickly. Tomorrow I need to travel. Perhaps this weekend will see to much or all of it. But the materials have to be moved. I keep the X garaged, for many reasons, and will keep to that.
Blathering, planning, call it what you will. A little more sleep, however, before anything else can get done. Later.
.
I was, sort of, awake by 8:00. Not up and about, but roughly aware, or so I hoped. I did not want to miss the phone call and I had no idea when it would happen. I was hoping to get a call early and have some sort of scheduling capacity at that time. That did not happen. I received the call at 10:00, give or take 45 minutes, my mind even several hours later still fuzzy with sleepiness. They had the address wrong, he was down the street and there was no house with my address. No planning here at all. Out of bed, into jeans and a shirt, and out the door I went. Quite a load of stuff. Not all that heavy, but enough. It sits, I wonder when and how I can figure this stuff out.
I need to figure out how to store the stuff for now. The crowbar I used to have is no longer in my possession. That is one of the unquestionably needed tools for the work. I searched yesterday and could not find it. The rest of the tools are good and are waiting for the job. Until the purchase of another crow bar and the completion of the tear-down, the materials have to be stored. It will happen, just, not quickly. Tomorrow I need to travel. Perhaps this weekend will see to much or all of it. But the materials have to be moved. I keep the X garaged, for many reasons, and will keep to that.
Blathering, planning, call it what you will. A little more sleep, however, before anything else can get done. Later.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Nothing was done today.
.
.
I woke at about 10:00 but knew I would simply have a miserable day if I stayed awake. Now, that in itself is not really a problem. However, still being on a low ebb, this would do no good and would probably end up messing my schedule up further, if that is possible. Oh, wait, it is. Though I am sleeping till mid-afternoon I am at least having a single if long day and a single night (sleep period). That, to be sure, is a vast improvement over getting lost with two even three days within days so that making an appointment is akin to playing darts through a wind tunnel. Still, that I woke at 10:00 with enough gumption to actually potentially make it through the day was a sign of hope.
I took care of the kitty litter, though I realized as I finished that I had probably done that yesterday. Oh well. I would rather have those areas cleaner than not. The felines thank me by not smelling awful as well. Though I think Sassy needs another bath, she will learn I hope. If I smell too much kitty litter on their paws when they wish to snuggle, I realize they are having to dig a bit much, probably due to the boxes being too full. Every other day cleaning and that never occurs. I would guess I could go three days, but prefer two days as a chore type thing.
I will be cooking more beans tonight, and maybe rice. I, again, soaked too many beans. As such, I was only able to cook half of them. Which is fine. I put the uncooked half in the refrigerator still in soak. Further, I cleaned the kitchen again after finishing the cooking of the beans that did get finished. I guess I would rather leave a clean kitchen than to cook so much that there is no time to clean up... if the option is available.
An update to eating beans and rice: Though I do enjoy beans and rice or millet, I must admit that it would be an imposition to live on that for a long period of time. Even adding brots, other pork, or chicken does little to add "life" to the food. It is said that these foods will do, I am suspecting otherwise, in the long term. Even with a garden, which is quite seasonal, and hunted meats, living on these items will lead to a much reduced span of life. Illness and disease, assuming they are not terminal, will be much more difficult to recover after. What I have found that adds a lot of life to beans is simple ground beef. Steak does not do it either, oddly. Ground beef simply does something to the mix. Rice, while theoretically adding enough to beans to produce a whole protein mix necessary for survival is truly only a filler. With beans alone, it is a seemingly hollow one to my palate. With beef, rice, and beans, it is much better but still a noticeable filler. That is my assessment. And though I will continue to eat on beans and rice, due to their low cost and the notion of them, I will certainly add beef as I can, if too more as a rare treat than as a standard additive.
An update regarding the water softener and the reverse osmosis system: I have been greatly enjoying both systems. My mother, in a recent conversation, suggested that I purchase Calgon as a washing machine additive. While in the store I reviewed the label. I have no need of it as it merely, yep, softens water allowing for a better cleaning. I have not told my mother this, yet, but will soon. (just did) As well, I have not had dry, itchy, flaky skin, I am pretty sure I am less susceptible to infections, and I end up cleaner after showers. The drinking water is fantastic. I will not say the city water even tasted bad before the reverse osmosis system, only that it is better tasting now. I had been buying bottled water. While that worked, it is both an expensive and strategically complicated manner of getting purer water. I now cook, every time, with r.o. water. Does it make a difference? Not to my conscious knowledge but I like the idea. Further, assuming water still runs or I am able to build a well, and with the use of solar energy as I do not think wind would work here, these systems will still be good in bad days... up to a point. But then, who can prep for every eventuality. Even a well can go bad.
I did not get to the roof today. I am hoping to do so tomorrow. I will gather what tools I think I will need this evening, while cooking the last of the beans and the rice. I will set out my work clothes as well. I hope, when they call about delivery, to hear the call and set that up for sometime in the afternoon if possible. If the call wakes me well enough, I am hoping to get started waking up, and then on to the tear-down unless delivery will be immediate. At which point I will simply have to hop and jump and be ready for that.
The day after that I HAVE to figure out how to get to Salt Lake City. I have to get up early. I am running out of month to deal with property and auto tax, at which point I run into other problems. Problems I do not need and cannot afford, even in this next month. I will need to take careful steps in the next few months to get seen done what has to be done. Further, I need to have a few dollars stored for a few other things in the more medium term. Adding to that, I still think I need to begin putting up millet, beans, rice, dry milk, and such. Though I have not created a purchase schedule for those things, the notion is still on the books.
I have pulled back from most activities. It was less a choice than a matter of happenstance. I have lost track and control, energy is down, my sleep schedule is troubled, and I am running on pennies. We will see with another otc sleep remedy. While speaking with my mother, she suggested vitamin D and another, though she suggested I look them up online. Something to help settle the troubles caused while losing the sun to the cool and cold seasons. I would also like to figure out how to get the sunlamp situated and configured in my bedroom. I may actually set forth to research and then try some of that daylight replacement goop. Gah but I hate taking stuff. I may not need D considering I drink nearly 2 gallons of whole milk a week. Love that stuff.
Oh, I still give the felines milk, if quite a bit less. Sam only gets milk after she is indoors for at least an hour, or she has a greater likelihood of emesis. Still, I try to give them between one and two tablespoons a day. Why? Well, since they have no weight problems with their food out, I do not want to restrict it. That would just be one more thing to do, one more hassle with them (darned feline populism!), and just does not seem necessary. Yet, by offering milk once in a while, I become a hero to them. And, yes, it is good. Plus they are blessedly good beggars and I am a sucker for teh kittehs.
Later.
.
I woke at about 10:00 but knew I would simply have a miserable day if I stayed awake. Now, that in itself is not really a problem. However, still being on a low ebb, this would do no good and would probably end up messing my schedule up further, if that is possible. Oh, wait, it is. Though I am sleeping till mid-afternoon I am at least having a single if long day and a single night (sleep period). That, to be sure, is a vast improvement over getting lost with two even three days within days so that making an appointment is akin to playing darts through a wind tunnel. Still, that I woke at 10:00 with enough gumption to actually potentially make it through the day was a sign of hope.
I took care of the kitty litter, though I realized as I finished that I had probably done that yesterday. Oh well. I would rather have those areas cleaner than not. The felines thank me by not smelling awful as well. Though I think Sassy needs another bath, she will learn I hope. If I smell too much kitty litter on their paws when they wish to snuggle, I realize they are having to dig a bit much, probably due to the boxes being too full. Every other day cleaning and that never occurs. I would guess I could go three days, but prefer two days as a chore type thing.
I will be cooking more beans tonight, and maybe rice. I, again, soaked too many beans. As such, I was only able to cook half of them. Which is fine. I put the uncooked half in the refrigerator still in soak. Further, I cleaned the kitchen again after finishing the cooking of the beans that did get finished. I guess I would rather leave a clean kitchen than to cook so much that there is no time to clean up... if the option is available.
An update to eating beans and rice: Though I do enjoy beans and rice or millet, I must admit that it would be an imposition to live on that for a long period of time. Even adding brots, other pork, or chicken does little to add "life" to the food. It is said that these foods will do, I am suspecting otherwise, in the long term. Even with a garden, which is quite seasonal, and hunted meats, living on these items will lead to a much reduced span of life. Illness and disease, assuming they are not terminal, will be much more difficult to recover after. What I have found that adds a lot of life to beans is simple ground beef. Steak does not do it either, oddly. Ground beef simply does something to the mix. Rice, while theoretically adding enough to beans to produce a whole protein mix necessary for survival is truly only a filler. With beans alone, it is a seemingly hollow one to my palate. With beef, rice, and beans, it is much better but still a noticeable filler. That is my assessment. And though I will continue to eat on beans and rice, due to their low cost and the notion of them, I will certainly add beef as I can, if too more as a rare treat than as a standard additive.
An update regarding the water softener and the reverse osmosis system: I have been greatly enjoying both systems. My mother, in a recent conversation, suggested that I purchase Calgon as a washing machine additive. While in the store I reviewed the label. I have no need of it as it merely, yep, softens water allowing for a better cleaning. I have not told my mother this, yet, but will soon. (just did) As well, I have not had dry, itchy, flaky skin, I am pretty sure I am less susceptible to infections, and I end up cleaner after showers. The drinking water is fantastic. I will not say the city water even tasted bad before the reverse osmosis system, only that it is better tasting now. I had been buying bottled water. While that worked, it is both an expensive and strategically complicated manner of getting purer water. I now cook, every time, with r.o. water. Does it make a difference? Not to my conscious knowledge but I like the idea. Further, assuming water still runs or I am able to build a well, and with the use of solar energy as I do not think wind would work here, these systems will still be good in bad days... up to a point. But then, who can prep for every eventuality. Even a well can go bad.
I did not get to the roof today. I am hoping to do so tomorrow. I will gather what tools I think I will need this evening, while cooking the last of the beans and the rice. I will set out my work clothes as well. I hope, when they call about delivery, to hear the call and set that up for sometime in the afternoon if possible. If the call wakes me well enough, I am hoping to get started waking up, and then on to the tear-down unless delivery will be immediate. At which point I will simply have to hop and jump and be ready for that.
The day after that I HAVE to figure out how to get to Salt Lake City. I have to get up early. I am running out of month to deal with property and auto tax, at which point I run into other problems. Problems I do not need and cannot afford, even in this next month. I will need to take careful steps in the next few months to get seen done what has to be done. Further, I need to have a few dollars stored for a few other things in the more medium term. Adding to that, I still think I need to begin putting up millet, beans, rice, dry milk, and such. Though I have not created a purchase schedule for those things, the notion is still on the books.
I have pulled back from most activities. It was less a choice than a matter of happenstance. I have lost track and control, energy is down, my sleep schedule is troubled, and I am running on pennies. We will see with another otc sleep remedy. While speaking with my mother, she suggested vitamin D and another, though she suggested I look them up online. Something to help settle the troubles caused while losing the sun to the cool and cold seasons. I would also like to figure out how to get the sunlamp situated and configured in my bedroom. I may actually set forth to research and then try some of that daylight replacement goop. Gah but I hate taking stuff. I may not need D considering I drink nearly 2 gallons of whole milk a week. Love that stuff.
Oh, I still give the felines milk, if quite a bit less. Sam only gets milk after she is indoors for at least an hour, or she has a greater likelihood of emesis. Still, I try to give them between one and two tablespoons a day. Why? Well, since they have no weight problems with their food out, I do not want to restrict it. That would just be one more thing to do, one more hassle with them (darned feline populism!), and just does not seem necessary. Yet, by offering milk once in a while, I become a hero to them. And, yes, it is good. Plus they are blessedly good beggars and I am a sucker for teh kittehs.
Later.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Suicide.
.
.
Not a consideration, to be clear, only the contemplation of the notion. I have tried it and it has been rejected as a solution. There are times when suicide becomes a reasonable solution given a secular understanding of life. Just to reiterate, suicide is not being contemplated except in a very academic manner.
As my world crumbles, chores, task, and business needs become untenable, sleep and wakefulness become chaotic, my mind whirls in a pool of stagnant uncertainty as odd as that may seem, there is a natural creep to investigate suicide. Though I have soundly rejected the notion, at first as a personal pardon to myself after having seriously undertaken that task three times since even condemned men are given release after only two failed attempts at execution, and then bolstered by a faith which has become strong, rich, and even overriding in my life, I can never quite get away from the thought.
In spite of my current level of decay, my mind remains something which I can use. I can write my own tales and visualize them, I can pass back into time and remember the good things in life, and I can think and investigate notions. So, with little else on the menu, my mind has been going over this psychic scar from my long ago life. What is suicide, how does the idea of it settle into my mind, and why would it be a consideration in the first place. I cannot speak to all who have contemplated the notion, I am only one of many. I would strongly guess that my version of the whole failure that is suicide is quite different from many others. I am thinking there are probably 3 to 5 different "schools".
My personal affliction, and why the notion returns, is based in incapacity. I realized, when I deserted, that I was broken beyond repair. I believed it then, beyond any doubt. I knew I would not be able to function in the service any longer. I was pretty sure I could not work. I did not and do not know what is wrong, but like a man who cannot feel his legs and arms, there is something in me that I can no longer sense. It is not the will to work, I enjoy working. It is not a lack of curiosity, I wonder and doubt everything and further, I want to know. In my attempts to entertain work or study, however, I begin to fail. Actually, I fail whether I try to do something or simply try to maintain a simple life. By fail I mean I begin to tick down or up in such a way that I lose control of sleep, grooming, chores, and even coherent memory.
My attempts at suicide were bitter affairs. I did not attempt suicide without thought, without reason. I hated the notion of quitting, of death, and really despised the notion of my own death. I would like to say I wished to maintain honor, status, or something in there akin to those things, though I think the attempts were more related to the shame of the certainty that I was broken. In there as well was a fear of what was to become of me. How would I eat, where would I sleep, and all the rest of the secular mainstream notions about being a proper man confronted me in no uncertain terms. I would not be a criminal, bum, vagabond, or beggar because I was not one. As simple or silly as that may sound.
What does the secular world expect of people who cannot fulfill their duties? The socialist types, of course, want us to stay around as the foothold of their dreamed utopia, the seeds of economic destruction. The medical field loves us, if in a peculiar manner and as long as they only have economic gain concerning us, as we make marvelous living labs. But the working man suggests that we go away as inexpensively, quietly, and quickly as is reasonable. We are a burden to a functional society. Beyond, we are a potent threat to the notion that everything will be okay if you just work hard enough. Actually, I am not sure which is worse.
There is another school, not really one or the other though I think the socialist school is an attempt at a secular version of the third school. This other school accepts that we may be broken and still be wanted in a society. We are not wanted because we offer goods, if we may offering our suffering much like money this is a side issue. Our existence is good and wanted because life is good, even when it might seem otherwise. There is much more to it, but that is a primary notion. Fundamentally, this last school is the one I ended up becoming associated with, which has further strengthened my ability to live.
It took a decade and a bit more to finally begin holding my own against my own "better" notions. I wish there was advice I could offer others. I do not think advice, counseling, or other interventions work when there is a persistent logical secular reason to commit suicide. To get were I am one has to be lucky enough to survive serious attempts at suicide and then begin a religious journey. I do not think anything else works.
The funny thing is, when I hear someone discussing the fact that they hope I never consider suicide again, I am pretty sure if we exchanged shoes I have no doubt about exactly what they would do in my shoes. I actually feel sorry for their lack of understanding. Especially when, right after my assurances that I am through with the notion, they suggest I just go get a job or a hobby or something. They have no idea how strong what they just suggested coupled with inability causes what they just naysayed. Never mind, it is an inside joke only the darkest of humorists will every truly fathom. You do not have to be there, you had to be it.
Yes, the notion still occurs. But only like little fevers after having survived some persistent life threatening disease. It is a reminder that I was once in the throws of something terrible. And, like that little recurring fever, there is nothing life threatening to this. A reminder with teeth, a scar that still bears pain, an understanding of the depth of the illness which took me to such further depths. And, something to write about and share, finally, more fully.
Hmm, hungry now. Thoughts of suicide keep making me think it's time for popcorn! Ah, bugger, I am out. I will find something.
.
Not a consideration, to be clear, only the contemplation of the notion. I have tried it and it has been rejected as a solution. There are times when suicide becomes a reasonable solution given a secular understanding of life. Just to reiterate, suicide is not being contemplated except in a very academic manner.
As my world crumbles, chores, task, and business needs become untenable, sleep and wakefulness become chaotic, my mind whirls in a pool of stagnant uncertainty as odd as that may seem, there is a natural creep to investigate suicide. Though I have soundly rejected the notion, at first as a personal pardon to myself after having seriously undertaken that task three times since even condemned men are given release after only two failed attempts at execution, and then bolstered by a faith which has become strong, rich, and even overriding in my life, I can never quite get away from the thought.
In spite of my current level of decay, my mind remains something which I can use. I can write my own tales and visualize them, I can pass back into time and remember the good things in life, and I can think and investigate notions. So, with little else on the menu, my mind has been going over this psychic scar from my long ago life. What is suicide, how does the idea of it settle into my mind, and why would it be a consideration in the first place. I cannot speak to all who have contemplated the notion, I am only one of many. I would strongly guess that my version of the whole failure that is suicide is quite different from many others. I am thinking there are probably 3 to 5 different "schools".
My personal affliction, and why the notion returns, is based in incapacity. I realized, when I deserted, that I was broken beyond repair. I believed it then, beyond any doubt. I knew I would not be able to function in the service any longer. I was pretty sure I could not work. I did not and do not know what is wrong, but like a man who cannot feel his legs and arms, there is something in me that I can no longer sense. It is not the will to work, I enjoy working. It is not a lack of curiosity, I wonder and doubt everything and further, I want to know. In my attempts to entertain work or study, however, I begin to fail. Actually, I fail whether I try to do something or simply try to maintain a simple life. By fail I mean I begin to tick down or up in such a way that I lose control of sleep, grooming, chores, and even coherent memory.
My attempts at suicide were bitter affairs. I did not attempt suicide without thought, without reason. I hated the notion of quitting, of death, and really despised the notion of my own death. I would like to say I wished to maintain honor, status, or something in there akin to those things, though I think the attempts were more related to the shame of the certainty that I was broken. In there as well was a fear of what was to become of me. How would I eat, where would I sleep, and all the rest of the secular mainstream notions about being a proper man confronted me in no uncertain terms. I would not be a criminal, bum, vagabond, or beggar because I was not one. As simple or silly as that may sound.
What does the secular world expect of people who cannot fulfill their duties? The socialist types, of course, want us to stay around as the foothold of their dreamed utopia, the seeds of economic destruction. The medical field loves us, if in a peculiar manner and as long as they only have economic gain concerning us, as we make marvelous living labs. But the working man suggests that we go away as inexpensively, quietly, and quickly as is reasonable. We are a burden to a functional society. Beyond, we are a potent threat to the notion that everything will be okay if you just work hard enough. Actually, I am not sure which is worse.
There is another school, not really one or the other though I think the socialist school is an attempt at a secular version of the third school. This other school accepts that we may be broken and still be wanted in a society. We are not wanted because we offer goods, if we may offering our suffering much like money this is a side issue. Our existence is good and wanted because life is good, even when it might seem otherwise. There is much more to it, but that is a primary notion. Fundamentally, this last school is the one I ended up becoming associated with, which has further strengthened my ability to live.
It took a decade and a bit more to finally begin holding my own against my own "better" notions. I wish there was advice I could offer others. I do not think advice, counseling, or other interventions work when there is a persistent logical secular reason to commit suicide. To get were I am one has to be lucky enough to survive serious attempts at suicide and then begin a religious journey. I do not think anything else works.
The funny thing is, when I hear someone discussing the fact that they hope I never consider suicide again, I am pretty sure if we exchanged shoes I have no doubt about exactly what they would do in my shoes. I actually feel sorry for their lack of understanding. Especially when, right after my assurances that I am through with the notion, they suggest I just go get a job or a hobby or something. They have no idea how strong what they just suggested coupled with inability causes what they just naysayed. Never mind, it is an inside joke only the darkest of humorists will every truly fathom. You do not have to be there, you had to be it.
Yes, the notion still occurs. But only like little fevers after having survived some persistent life threatening disease. It is a reminder that I was once in the throws of something terrible. And, like that little recurring fever, there is nothing life threatening to this. A reminder with teeth, a scar that still bears pain, an understanding of the depth of the illness which took me to such further depths. And, something to write about and share, finally, more fully.
Hmm, hungry now. Thoughts of suicide keep making me think it's time for popcorn! Ah, bugger, I am out. I will find something.
Well.
.
.
Up and awake and it is only 16:45. Yeah!
I did manage to do a bit of sweeping, this "morning", get a shower in, reconnect my bank access, pre-schedule the delivery of the roofing material (they only set up the day, scheduling the actual delivery on the day selected this time... huh?), and will try to do another piece of business. Of course, with the materials coming, I need to get out and begin the teardown on the roof. I am in a bind, a bad one. Hmm, why do moments like this bring the term cat (stuck) on a hot tin roof to mind? I am unhappy, dancing (in a way), but with no where to go.
I cannot get to that roof today. I have nothing to offer. If I can somehow figure out how to wake up tomorrow, I need to get to Salt Lake City. Though I suppose if that is off the schedule due to continuing sleep problems, I will try to be ready to work on the teardown. Focus, I need that too. And it just is not available. Though whether I lose focus or lose control of sleep first or deeper, or if one is the cause of the other, I may never know. Being aware of the issues, as I am more and more here, I am little more able to affect the outcome. At least so far. At least the chamomile tea is tasty. Oh, wait, some of you had other ideas for over-the-counter sleep remedies... I am taking a cocktail of chamomile tea, melatonin, and valerian root. Is there anything that you find which works better?
Anyway, I will try to wake a bit more. If I can, I might try to hit the roof a bit yet this afternoon or evening. I am set to cook beans, rice, and maybe the last of the millet. I cooked several brots last night which make fine additions to rice, beans, the combination, or do quite well by themselves. I should take something else out of the freezer to cook as well though. I need to start eating better. It is amazing how hard my 'systems' shut down and how quickly. How interactive each component of the failure is. At least I know I was doing everything right when I fell. Food was correct and good, no sugar or other sweets, I was physically somewhat active, I had short and long term plans and was actively working those. Yes, this is simply a disease or illness. Why do I keep needing proof? I suppose it is because I feel that most medical I have encountered are highly skeptical of me having any real condition (besides diabetes and high blood pressure), disregarding my whole medical history before that though and of course. Bah!
Well, later.
.
Up and awake and it is only 16:45. Yeah!
I did manage to do a bit of sweeping, this "morning", get a shower in, reconnect my bank access, pre-schedule the delivery of the roofing material (they only set up the day, scheduling the actual delivery on the day selected this time... huh?), and will try to do another piece of business. Of course, with the materials coming, I need to get out and begin the teardown on the roof. I am in a bind, a bad one. Hmm, why do moments like this bring the term cat (stuck) on a hot tin roof to mind? I am unhappy, dancing (in a way), but with no where to go.
I cannot get to that roof today. I have nothing to offer. If I can somehow figure out how to wake up tomorrow, I need to get to Salt Lake City. Though I suppose if that is off the schedule due to continuing sleep problems, I will try to be ready to work on the teardown. Focus, I need that too. And it just is not available. Though whether I lose focus or lose control of sleep first or deeper, or if one is the cause of the other, I may never know. Being aware of the issues, as I am more and more here, I am little more able to affect the outcome. At least so far. At least the chamomile tea is tasty. Oh, wait, some of you had other ideas for over-the-counter sleep remedies... I am taking a cocktail of chamomile tea, melatonin, and valerian root. Is there anything that you find which works better?
Anyway, I will try to wake a bit more. If I can, I might try to hit the roof a bit yet this afternoon or evening. I am set to cook beans, rice, and maybe the last of the millet. I cooked several brots last night which make fine additions to rice, beans, the combination, or do quite well by themselves. I should take something else out of the freezer to cook as well though. I need to start eating better. It is amazing how hard my 'systems' shut down and how quickly. How interactive each component of the failure is. At least I know I was doing everything right when I fell. Food was correct and good, no sugar or other sweets, I was physically somewhat active, I had short and long term plans and was actively working those. Yes, this is simply a disease or illness. Why do I keep needing proof? I suppose it is because I feel that most medical I have encountered are highly skeptical of me having any real condition (besides diabetes and high blood pressure), disregarding my whole medical history before that though and of course. Bah!
Well, later.
At least somethings were done.
.
.
Sleep is still elusive. The lack of it is bringing headaches and confusion, along with a schedule too skewed to allow for some specific business to be done. I did manage to deal with trash, dishes (after a week pileup), sweeping, the kitchen sum total actually. As well, I have been reading Vox's book.
I will say the material seems coherent and correct. Beyond, it fits my beliefs. And, yes, that is important. As he discussed, economic policy is often based as much upon political (which I count as social to a degree, and as well) considerations as upon the academic or scientific notions of economy and the theories related to it. As well, the Austrian School seems to favor natural realities. Boom and bust are natural events and delaying one or the other only leads to failure compounded by the delay. This, if not social, is naturally observable (to a degree) in all of nature.
Forest fires, long prevented and thwarted through artificial means, burn the hotter and longer for man's interruptions. As well, rivers which man tries to control end up either nearly dying or flooding more severely. Even men trying to control their fellows through various means usually ends up as a disaster. Look to the U.S.S.R. for what happens to people when an attempt to legislate morality occurs. No, natural allowances are the right way, even beyond the social and political considerations. I am sure their are exceptions, though I think these could be handled more surely via legislation than centralized banking, or even through social methods.
Now, one thing I must say, is that my analysis of what I have read to this point is merely a suggestion of a positive result. I will not say that I regard the Austrian School of economics in any better light, in truth, than the other methods which have been employed. (Admitted in the book, and save for socialism in it's many forms, all other forms have been attempted incorrectly.) I lean in favor of the notions written there though. I do see the main problem not necessarily what form of control is attempted, regarding economics, but that control is asserted in the first place.
I see most control methods simply as methods someone uses, for whatever purpose, which end up setting up quick thinkers and insiders for artificial favor. This favor works in the short run, yields gold rush billionaires, and then collapses. The greater, longer, and more universal the control the harder the fall. I am only a bit past half way through the book so I have yet to see what is going to be prescribed, proscribed, and predicted.
Now, however, I am getting a much better idea of what D.C. is always yammering on about. (no offense intended, as I am in at least partial agreement, if I do not tend to yammer on (on that point, though I have many other points)) And, if the time involved is a key to the fall, then the fall would by necessity be huge. What is worse is that the government has been involved in other related, if still quite separate areas which directly and indirectly affect the economy, like civil service unions coupled with the explosion of government workers, attempts at socially engineering the types and forms of business in the U.S. (thus abroad), and all of the social programs which have been enjoyed by the few paid by the many and have well and truly run out of "the many", along with many other facets which all must lead to a fall. Even if Vox's assessments were incorrect, these things are set to explode together or separately and without fail to the economic woe of the whole world. Yeah, okay, yammer on.
Still, I would rather sleep. :p
Good night, I think, Ilien. I owe you much you tipsy dame.
.
Sleep is still elusive. The lack of it is bringing headaches and confusion, along with a schedule too skewed to allow for some specific business to be done. I did manage to deal with trash, dishes (after a week pileup), sweeping, the kitchen sum total actually. As well, I have been reading Vox's book.
I will say the material seems coherent and correct. Beyond, it fits my beliefs. And, yes, that is important. As he discussed, economic policy is often based as much upon political (which I count as social to a degree, and as well) considerations as upon the academic or scientific notions of economy and the theories related to it. As well, the Austrian School seems to favor natural realities. Boom and bust are natural events and delaying one or the other only leads to failure compounded by the delay. This, if not social, is naturally observable (to a degree) in all of nature.
Forest fires, long prevented and thwarted through artificial means, burn the hotter and longer for man's interruptions. As well, rivers which man tries to control end up either nearly dying or flooding more severely. Even men trying to control their fellows through various means usually ends up as a disaster. Look to the U.S.S.R. for what happens to people when an attempt to legislate morality occurs. No, natural allowances are the right way, even beyond the social and political considerations. I am sure their are exceptions, though I think these could be handled more surely via legislation than centralized banking, or even through social methods.
Now, one thing I must say, is that my analysis of what I have read to this point is merely a suggestion of a positive result. I will not say that I regard the Austrian School of economics in any better light, in truth, than the other methods which have been employed. (Admitted in the book, and save for socialism in it's many forms, all other forms have been attempted incorrectly.) I lean in favor of the notions written there though. I do see the main problem not necessarily what form of control is attempted, regarding economics, but that control is asserted in the first place.
I see most control methods simply as methods someone uses, for whatever purpose, which end up setting up quick thinkers and insiders for artificial favor. This favor works in the short run, yields gold rush billionaires, and then collapses. The greater, longer, and more universal the control the harder the fall. I am only a bit past half way through the book so I have yet to see what is going to be prescribed, proscribed, and predicted.
Now, however, I am getting a much better idea of what D.C. is always yammering on about. (no offense intended, as I am in at least partial agreement, if I do not tend to yammer on (on that point, though I have many other points)) And, if the time involved is a key to the fall, then the fall would by necessity be huge. What is worse is that the government has been involved in other related, if still quite separate areas which directly and indirectly affect the economy, like civil service unions coupled with the explosion of government workers, attempts at socially engineering the types and forms of business in the U.S. (thus abroad), and all of the social programs which have been enjoyed by the few paid by the many and have well and truly run out of "the many", along with many other facets which all must lead to a fall. Even if Vox's assessments were incorrect, these things are set to explode together or separately and without fail to the economic woe of the whole world. Yeah, okay, yammer on.
Still, I would rather sleep. :p
Good night, I think, Ilien. I owe you much you tipsy dame.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Another night to try the concoction.
.
.
It will not work and I know it will not work but I will try the stuff until it is gone. I will brew the tea, cool it, add the liquid stuff, munch a couple of the pills, and go read until sunlight. Whenever I do happen to get up, however, I will try to do some work. I have been so drained that doing anything is a heavy chore. The garage needs work, the house needs work, and the roof of the hen house has to be torn off. If I can just get to bits and pieces, taking rest as needed, the rest will fall in line, I am almost certain of that.
Sassy is still a bit sluggish. They suggested that the pain killers were still in affect. Though too, I am sure her wound is taking it's toll too. Sam still does not like her but she is being gentler. She seems to have some sort of honor code. Thank God for small favors. Sam is outside pouting. I think she thought I had gotten rid of the little fart basket. She will come around. If I thought she would not end up being more trouble to Sassy than not, out of precaution, I would keep Sam in the house for the next few days to avert her running away. Women!
Well, it is about time to hit it, or try. Good night all.
.
It will not work and I know it will not work but I will try the stuff until it is gone. I will brew the tea, cool it, add the liquid stuff, munch a couple of the pills, and go read until sunlight. Whenever I do happen to get up, however, I will try to do some work. I have been so drained that doing anything is a heavy chore. The garage needs work, the house needs work, and the roof of the hen house has to be torn off. If I can just get to bits and pieces, taking rest as needed, the rest will fall in line, I am almost certain of that.
Sassy is still a bit sluggish. They suggested that the pain killers were still in affect. Though too, I am sure her wound is taking it's toll too. Sam still does not like her but she is being gentler. She seems to have some sort of honor code. Thank God for small favors. Sam is outside pouting. I think she thought I had gotten rid of the little fart basket. She will come around. If I thought she would not end up being more trouble to Sassy than not, out of precaution, I would keep Sam in the house for the next few days to avert her running away. Women!
Well, it is about time to hit it, or try. Good night all.
Life is good.
.
.
My Mom called. We talked for just a bit. I told her about my sleep problems, Sassy detention, and the sluggishness that is going on. But I told her I have a thumb on it and am trying to get it under control. We both know I probably never will figure it out. Even if the medical field wanted to look into it seriously, they probably could not find a fix. Like carburetors of old, something in me sticks open or shut and the complexities of some odd carburetors have nothing on a human system, and even some of those were simply junked because they could not be made to work. That I continue to try and even succeed to a degree, comparatively, offers some hope of more than a completely misplaced end-life.
Sassy is back! She was missed. I am not so sure Sam was happy about her return. I had thought Sam missed the kitten when she was gone, but that may have been a mistake. We will see. Then again, reading a cat's emotions and notions is something akin to telling what a woman feels. Adding to the complexity is the realization that what a woman feels is not always what she thinks, needs, or wants. The confusion regarding such things, I think, is similar to cats. Female cats more so too? Who really knows.
I do notice that I love to go out and about. There are dozens of women out there, you know. And I enjoy subtle flirtations, minor pleasantries, and other interactions with that half of the species. They are difficult to tack down, true enough. But then these particular ones are not really on my target list. Wife shopping is one thing, window shopping is quite another. Which leads into something else on my mind, about a particular woman.
My masseuse. Along with the chiropractic treatments I have been receiving massages. Most of the time I receive them from a particular woman. She is engaged. We have talked often about this and that, from family to whatever. This last visit, I asked how old she was. Then I teased that if I were a little younger and her situation were a little different, I might be chasing her. Well! She did not kick me out or anything, but she did become quite defensive. Her fiance, she suggested, is 6'6". I did not say this, but I was "trained" on big guys, bigger than me. Further, I doubt if he is even a warrior. He would, honestly, have little chance against me. No brag, just the way it is. Second, she is an atheist, give or take. She is not of actual interest. If she had been, which she would have known if she thought about it, I would have asked her to tea. I do not enter a thing passively. I do or do not, I do not dither, hint, or otherwise dance around the thing. Though asking a woman to tea might seem passive, understand it as an interview, with little exposure financially, through time loss, or in a personal way, rather than a light date. It IS doing, if in a way that favors my interests. Why the strong reaction though? I honestly thought she knew me better by now. Bah, women!
Well, that is it for now. Time to... do something... or not. Sassy is still a little groggy. Light feeding and gentleness are the things she will get for a while. I need to check for infection and tend her a bit. Not a problem after what I had done to her. Anyway, later.
.
My Mom called. We talked for just a bit. I told her about my sleep problems, Sassy detention, and the sluggishness that is going on. But I told her I have a thumb on it and am trying to get it under control. We both know I probably never will figure it out. Even if the medical field wanted to look into it seriously, they probably could not find a fix. Like carburetors of old, something in me sticks open or shut and the complexities of some odd carburetors have nothing on a human system, and even some of those were simply junked because they could not be made to work. That I continue to try and even succeed to a degree, comparatively, offers some hope of more than a completely misplaced end-life.
Sassy is back! She was missed. I am not so sure Sam was happy about her return. I had thought Sam missed the kitten when she was gone, but that may have been a mistake. We will see. Then again, reading a cat's emotions and notions is something akin to telling what a woman feels. Adding to the complexity is the realization that what a woman feels is not always what she thinks, needs, or wants. The confusion regarding such things, I think, is similar to cats. Female cats more so too? Who really knows.
I do notice that I love to go out and about. There are dozens of women out there, you know. And I enjoy subtle flirtations, minor pleasantries, and other interactions with that half of the species. They are difficult to tack down, true enough. But then these particular ones are not really on my target list. Wife shopping is one thing, window shopping is quite another. Which leads into something else on my mind, about a particular woman.
My masseuse. Along with the chiropractic treatments I have been receiving massages. Most of the time I receive them from a particular woman. She is engaged. We have talked often about this and that, from family to whatever. This last visit, I asked how old she was. Then I teased that if I were a little younger and her situation were a little different, I might be chasing her. Well! She did not kick me out or anything, but she did become quite defensive. Her fiance, she suggested, is 6'6". I did not say this, but I was "trained" on big guys, bigger than me. Further, I doubt if he is even a warrior. He would, honestly, have little chance against me. No brag, just the way it is. Second, she is an atheist, give or take. She is not of actual interest. If she had been, which she would have known if she thought about it, I would have asked her to tea. I do not enter a thing passively. I do or do not, I do not dither, hint, or otherwise dance around the thing. Though asking a woman to tea might seem passive, understand it as an interview, with little exposure financially, through time loss, or in a personal way, rather than a light date. It IS doing, if in a way that favors my interests. Why the strong reaction though? I honestly thought she knew me better by now. Bah, women!
Well, that is it for now. Time to... do something... or not. Sassy is still a little groggy. Light feeding and gentleness are the things she will get for a while. I need to check for infection and tend her a bit. Not a problem after what I had done to her. Anyway, later.
Oh well.
.
.
The sleep stuff caused not even a slowing of my corporeal juggernaut. Along with the cocktail of tea and melatonin, I added valerian root. I munched it. I had heard it tastes terrible and to have food in my stomach, though perhaps I misheard. It was tasty, to my way of thinking. Though I am glad I had food in my stomach as it, in a fanciful way of describing it, brought to mind having eaten a small woolen object. It itched a bit uncomfortably in the belly. I then laid myself in bed and started reading The Return of the Great Depression. The good thing... I can indeed read and I think I comprehend and remember well. My take on the book so far is good, as well. Enough of it matches up with enough of the little bits I already knew, though that does not mean I am an expert, my memories are correct, or even that the book is right, only that my initial assessment is that this book is correct. Yes, I am tight about giving out anything, especially agreement.
I read, and read, and... well, read. Not a bit of weariness came over me, in spite of having been awake since 8:00 or 10:00 and having taken a serious cocktail of otc sleep aids. I have been told that I may take two valerian root pills, I only took one last night. Though I do not think this will help. I will try anyway, and continue to do so until I run out of "ammunition". One cannot say I have not tried. I made it through three units of the book, or four. I finally just closed the book, shut out the lights, and... laid in bed quietly. Ah, nothing so refreshing as fake sleep. That is what I ALWAYS say. I have no idea when I finally slept, only that it was beginning to be light out, or was light out. Memory during that time in my life is always relatively fuzzy, like Democratic fiscal notions. I did not rise until 13:00 or so.
I need to schedule a delivery for the roofing material, it is in. I also need to pay some bills and pick up Sassy. A shower, a call, a drive, and then... what? I do not know. I just know that not sleeping makes life impossibly complicated. Further, I know after periods of not sleeping, I will hit the opposite. On the good side, even with difficulties, I am much more conscious of what is actually happening than ever before. I am able to at least attempt to solve the micro, however successful the attempts. That means I have steerage through straights I have never even been able to understand before... even if the steerage is currently inadequate. With knowledge and vision comes possibilities.
Well, I best do something other than jabber at you walkies. Ha!
.
The sleep stuff caused not even a slowing of my corporeal juggernaut. Along with the cocktail of tea and melatonin, I added valerian root. I munched it. I had heard it tastes terrible and to have food in my stomach, though perhaps I misheard. It was tasty, to my way of thinking. Though I am glad I had food in my stomach as it, in a fanciful way of describing it, brought to mind having eaten a small woolen object. It itched a bit uncomfortably in the belly. I then laid myself in bed and started reading The Return of the Great Depression. The good thing... I can indeed read and I think I comprehend and remember well. My take on the book so far is good, as well. Enough of it matches up with enough of the little bits I already knew, though that does not mean I am an expert, my memories are correct, or even that the book is right, only that my initial assessment is that this book is correct. Yes, I am tight about giving out anything, especially agreement.
I read, and read, and... well, read. Not a bit of weariness came over me, in spite of having been awake since 8:00 or 10:00 and having taken a serious cocktail of otc sleep aids. I have been told that I may take two valerian root pills, I only took one last night. Though I do not think this will help. I will try anyway, and continue to do so until I run out of "ammunition". One cannot say I have not tried. I made it through three units of the book, or four. I finally just closed the book, shut out the lights, and... laid in bed quietly. Ah, nothing so refreshing as fake sleep. That is what I ALWAYS say. I have no idea when I finally slept, only that it was beginning to be light out, or was light out. Memory during that time in my life is always relatively fuzzy, like Democratic fiscal notions. I did not rise until 13:00 or so.
I need to schedule a delivery for the roofing material, it is in. I also need to pay some bills and pick up Sassy. A shower, a call, a drive, and then... what? I do not know. I just know that not sleeping makes life impossibly complicated. Further, I know after periods of not sleeping, I will hit the opposite. On the good side, even with difficulties, I am much more conscious of what is actually happening than ever before. I am able to at least attempt to solve the micro, however successful the attempts. That means I have steerage through straights I have never even been able to understand before... even if the steerage is currently inadequate. With knowledge and vision comes possibilities.
Well, I best do something other than jabber at you walkies. Ha!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Mind ponderings.
.
.
I was not able to get going well enough to do anything substantive this morning. That I awoke earlier than I have in several weeks, that before that I slept well, I suppose that will have to be it for today. I made it to my appointment on time, actually early enough to fill the tank and wash the Xterra. She, for an SUV, 4x4, and considering my driving, gets excellent mileage... right at 20 mpg at this fill. I did, however, forget to take Sassy in for her surgery tomorrow. So, after the appointment I drove home, caged the little furry fury, and took her in. I still hate that. By the way, I picked up some more stuff for sleep from the doc's office. An herbal or holistic thing of some sort. I will try them in unison tonight.
On to the ponderings.
After all is said and done, and as I sit here and tinker on the machine, I begin to wonder about the safety of Sassy. I realized I had to sign a waiver. I also realize this page is well read if not necessarily liked, even locally. I assume using names of local towns causes this page to pop up in searches. In any case, the locals, and more likely college kids, might have gathered from it who I am. I am most certain I am tracked by others too, a couple of religious groups almost certainly. I cannot tell for what purpose, merely that people seem to recognize me. I am pretty sure I have been read at the V.A., at least by my primary. She knew most of what I was going to tell her before I did. The hand wounds, sure, but the sleep, that I was taking otc sleep meds, and a few other things... she already knew. No, not paranoid, just the facts.
My worry is, college kids being indoctrinated left, sometimes their leftism being required even for acceptance in many fields, I worry that Sassy will not live. That, my friends, is paranoid. Of course, I understand that. However, I do believe most leftists are very capable of doing evil, I believe the young and the "educated" and the young "educated" are profoundly more likely to being leftist. Add in the fact that I have become known to some degree, even to being actually recognized I mean, and there is the potential for real trouble. That is one of mind wanderings... and fear.
The other is not so much a fear as it is a meandering. I have been thinking about a certain younger woman who flashed on my radar recently. One I am considering asking to coffee, about which I have told her the meaning. That meaning is, since I am not dating because I see that as a failed system, I am going to begin asking potential partners out for coffee or tea or something small as the opening of an investigation of who they are and whether I think they will fit and further if pursuing them is of our mutual interest. Having said that, my mind began considering what I would say to her, like to say to her, or actually think about women, wives, and family.
Using her as a backdrop, she actually listening and being open, and it being my turn to speak give or take, I thought about what to say. I know women are interesting to me, if I think they are a little crazy. How do I say that, at least initially, in such a way as to not cause her to react like a cat suddenly in a full bathtub, with cold water to boot? Yes, diplomacy is a must. Women can exhibit a very bent nose approach to direct discussions. Still, my goal is to be rather honest. I will not coddle if too I do not indeed to be or even seem rude. The conversation went on for a bit, I think I scored 7 points, lost 3, and she was neutral on about 5 or 6 others. But the final thing was what I liked.
I discussed the fact that I do drive women crazy. I wish it was always in bed, but that is not the case so much as I would like. Uhrm, will have to consider a diplomatic edit of last sentence. Anyway, going on, as well, I have found women drive me to distraction and often a little beyond. To be truthful, anyone I am around for long will do this, though women seem to be specialists at it, to me. Now, this, for me, is not so much of a problem if I can turn that into a driving force. Which, in my decent history of knowing women as I have, has not been too difficult. In other words, if they live at home, they drive me out more and more. Which, to my way of thinking, is a good thing. I suspect I should bone up my backpacking and camping gear and skills. The question is, what will she do when I make her upset, disagree with her, or simply make a mess of her fine home? Which, uhrm, I do. I think I do that, according to most women I know, simply by breathing from what I have heard. And I LOVE to breath. If she gets down and sad about it, she will be down and sad a lot. If she cries and it hurts currently, I will only add to that. Did I mention I am good at math, sort of? Now, if she can laugh about it, and I mean deep down toss it under the funny bus, she might be the one. She will at least do well.
I used to love to argue with my last lady love. Usually. I thought it was a gas. I might have been all fury and 50 cent words outside, but I was often just rolling with laughter inside. Basically I took none of it personally, at least if it was not supposed to be. Even then, I realize that some women have no clue about what they are saying when they are arguing. Think cats here, cats near water, dogs, fire. So, usually, that was just something else to laugh about and ammunition for additional play (the bonus play button hit by a ball in pinball, yeah, like that). Unfortunately my last love took it all personally. I have since discussed this with her, on her last visit. I suggested she try very hard to just... enjoy the thing, after a "difficult" discussion we had a few hours before the discussion I just mentioned. I said, let it go, even while in the "debate". Especially if it is about something we both are in passionate opposition about to each other's position.
Yep, the point is, if she cries streams, I will cause her to cry rivers and great ones. But if she laughs, she will laugh... till she cries rivers. Men just cannot win with women! What a gas.
I do want to do dishes tonight. I need to clean the cat litter pans as well. And picking up, at least, would be good. I want to try to be to bed early, for another early rise, and a trip to Salt Lake City in an attempt to get my academic files transferred and to obtain proof of disability and try and find out how to apply that to taxes before the end of the month to deal with home and auto. Such a mess, but it must be done, the phone does not get it done, and no one else is exactly asking to step in and help. Help! I will do what I can. I think taking the stuff at 22:00, and then getting right in bed and reading, might be what works. I hate taking stuff though.
Later or good night.
.
I was not able to get going well enough to do anything substantive this morning. That I awoke earlier than I have in several weeks, that before that I slept well, I suppose that will have to be it for today. I made it to my appointment on time, actually early enough to fill the tank and wash the Xterra. She, for an SUV, 4x4, and considering my driving, gets excellent mileage... right at 20 mpg at this fill. I did, however, forget to take Sassy in for her surgery tomorrow. So, after the appointment I drove home, caged the little furry fury, and took her in. I still hate that. By the way, I picked up some more stuff for sleep from the doc's office. An herbal or holistic thing of some sort. I will try them in unison tonight.
On to the ponderings.
After all is said and done, and as I sit here and tinker on the machine, I begin to wonder about the safety of Sassy. I realized I had to sign a waiver. I also realize this page is well read if not necessarily liked, even locally. I assume using names of local towns causes this page to pop up in searches. In any case, the locals, and more likely college kids, might have gathered from it who I am. I am most certain I am tracked by others too, a couple of religious groups almost certainly. I cannot tell for what purpose, merely that people seem to recognize me. I am pretty sure I have been read at the V.A., at least by my primary. She knew most of what I was going to tell her before I did. The hand wounds, sure, but the sleep, that I was taking otc sleep meds, and a few other things... she already knew. No, not paranoid, just the facts.
My worry is, college kids being indoctrinated left, sometimes their leftism being required even for acceptance in many fields, I worry that Sassy will not live. That, my friends, is paranoid. Of course, I understand that. However, I do believe most leftists are very capable of doing evil, I believe the young and the "educated" and the young "educated" are profoundly more likely to being leftist. Add in the fact that I have become known to some degree, even to being actually recognized I mean, and there is the potential for real trouble. That is one of mind wanderings... and fear.
The other is not so much a fear as it is a meandering. I have been thinking about a certain younger woman who flashed on my radar recently. One I am considering asking to coffee, about which I have told her the meaning. That meaning is, since I am not dating because I see that as a failed system, I am going to begin asking potential partners out for coffee or tea or something small as the opening of an investigation of who they are and whether I think they will fit and further if pursuing them is of our mutual interest. Having said that, my mind began considering what I would say to her, like to say to her, or actually think about women, wives, and family.
Using her as a backdrop, she actually listening and being open, and it being my turn to speak give or take, I thought about what to say. I know women are interesting to me, if I think they are a little crazy. How do I say that, at least initially, in such a way as to not cause her to react like a cat suddenly in a full bathtub, with cold water to boot? Yes, diplomacy is a must. Women can exhibit a very bent nose approach to direct discussions. Still, my goal is to be rather honest. I will not coddle if too I do not indeed to be or even seem rude. The conversation went on for a bit, I think I scored 7 points, lost 3, and she was neutral on about 5 or 6 others. But the final thing was what I liked.
I discussed the fact that I do drive women crazy. I wish it was always in bed, but that is not the case so much as I would like. Uhrm, will have to consider a diplomatic edit of last sentence. Anyway, going on, as well, I have found women drive me to distraction and often a little beyond. To be truthful, anyone I am around for long will do this, though women seem to be specialists at it, to me. Now, this, for me, is not so much of a problem if I can turn that into a driving force. Which, in my decent history of knowing women as I have, has not been too difficult. In other words, if they live at home, they drive me out more and more. Which, to my way of thinking, is a good thing. I suspect I should bone up my backpacking and camping gear and skills. The question is, what will she do when I make her upset, disagree with her, or simply make a mess of her fine home? Which, uhrm, I do. I think I do that, according to most women I know, simply by breathing from what I have heard. And I LOVE to breath. If she gets down and sad about it, she will be down and sad a lot. If she cries and it hurts currently, I will only add to that. Did I mention I am good at math, sort of? Now, if she can laugh about it, and I mean deep down toss it under the funny bus, she might be the one. She will at least do well.
I used to love to argue with my last lady love. Usually. I thought it was a gas. I might have been all fury and 50 cent words outside, but I was often just rolling with laughter inside. Basically I took none of it personally, at least if it was not supposed to be. Even then, I realize that some women have no clue about what they are saying when they are arguing. Think cats here, cats near water, dogs, fire. So, usually, that was just something else to laugh about and ammunition for additional play (the bonus play button hit by a ball in pinball, yeah, like that). Unfortunately my last love took it all personally. I have since discussed this with her, on her last visit. I suggested she try very hard to just... enjoy the thing, after a "difficult" discussion we had a few hours before the discussion I just mentioned. I said, let it go, even while in the "debate". Especially if it is about something we both are in passionate opposition about to each other's position.
Yep, the point is, if she cries streams, I will cause her to cry rivers and great ones. But if she laughs, she will laugh... till she cries rivers. Men just cannot win with women! What a gas.
I do want to do dishes tonight. I need to clean the cat litter pans as well. And picking up, at least, would be good. I want to try to be to bed early, for another early rise, and a trip to Salt Lake City in an attempt to get my academic files transferred and to obtain proof of disability and try and find out how to apply that to taxes before the end of the month to deal with home and auto. Such a mess, but it must be done, the phone does not get it done, and no one else is exactly asking to step in and help. Help! I will do what I can. I think taking the stuff at 22:00, and then getting right in bed and reading, might be what works. I hate taking stuff though.
Later or good night.
Sleep!
.
.
Good, long, solid sleep. I think. I went to be at 19:00 or 20:00 and woke at 7:00 or 8:00, all give or take. I must be honest though, I am not sure I am getting REM sleep. I think, part of my problem, is even when I sleep I do not get good sleep. I could see that as being a part of my problem. It would be very much like eating food without any nutrients. It seems to fit the need, I am not hungry, but I would still starve to death. I cannot be sure what the problem is, for sure, other than that it relates to sleep. I have been hooked up to a machine while sleeping, and it did suggest I did reach REM, two different nights. So, maybe not on that idea. Still, sleep is the thing.
I am up and will stay up again. I might even do some work either in the garage or on the roof. I have an appointment this afternoon. I am not used to being up at this time though, so I am a bit out of sorts. Another hour to get my mind wrapped around the world and I will then try to get busy. I must say, sleep is extremely good! I wanted so badly to stay under the covers, reset the alarm, and sleep MORESES, as my kittehs would say (and sort of do say about MILKSES!). But sleep, like food, needs to be moderated (even milkses, kittehs). So, I grabbed the pry-bar of life, and heaved. Now I'm ho'ed? Bah!
I hear that O'Donnell, and other Tea Party candidates, are having problems with the Republican party. While that is no surprise, to a degree, I am surprised in some ways. With that parties insistence on a big tent, it is amazing just how small that tent really is. Or, more, how one sided the direction the expansion of the "big tent" goes. It seems the "big tent" includes everyone BUT conservatives. I am happier, every day, that I left that party. What it does and continues to do makes me more sure every day that being an independent is the only way to go. No, not Independent, as that seems to be a "third party", an independent. Just as I am a conservative libertarian, not a Libertarian.
At this point, I have no choice to vote Republican. At least in Utah, I feel this is not such a sell out, with Bennett sent to retirement and a young gun having been taken off the bench and pitched into the fray. I have been asked if I would rather have a big tent or a minority setting in the House and Senate. The answer is simple, I would rather have a minority. Why on God's green earth, was the next question. Ah, simple. Because the people do not want what is happening. What is happening will continue with a "big tent" situation in the Republican party. However, with a small tent minority, it will be EXPLICITLY CLEAR who is continuing the "business of big government" as usual and who is not, which will offer clarity like nothing else in the NEXT ELECTION. This is a "long run" game, if in truth we are running out of long run. Is this election the last, or is the next election the last, before the die is cast and government begins to control even elections? I do not know. But I know if voters can see no significant difference, they will vote much more weakly. I am all in for O'Donnell and the others. Period.
Brand quality control and differentiation is vital, not for some petty chaos mongers among us real conservatives, but for the survival of the Republic. That is all.
Good day.
.
Good, long, solid sleep. I think. I went to be at 19:00 or 20:00 and woke at 7:00 or 8:00, all give or take. I must be honest though, I am not sure I am getting REM sleep. I think, part of my problem, is even when I sleep I do not get good sleep. I could see that as being a part of my problem. It would be very much like eating food without any nutrients. It seems to fit the need, I am not hungry, but I would still starve to death. I cannot be sure what the problem is, for sure, other than that it relates to sleep. I have been hooked up to a machine while sleeping, and it did suggest I did reach REM, two different nights. So, maybe not on that idea. Still, sleep is the thing.
I am up and will stay up again. I might even do some work either in the garage or on the roof. I have an appointment this afternoon. I am not used to being up at this time though, so I am a bit out of sorts. Another hour to get my mind wrapped around the world and I will then try to get busy. I must say, sleep is extremely good! I wanted so badly to stay under the covers, reset the alarm, and sleep MORESES, as my kittehs would say (and sort of do say about MILKSES!). But sleep, like food, needs to be moderated (even milkses, kittehs). So, I grabbed the pry-bar of life, and heaved. Now I'm ho'ed? Bah!
I hear that O'Donnell, and other Tea Party candidates, are having problems with the Republican party. While that is no surprise, to a degree, I am surprised in some ways. With that parties insistence on a big tent, it is amazing just how small that tent really is. Or, more, how one sided the direction the expansion of the "big tent" goes. It seems the "big tent" includes everyone BUT conservatives. I am happier, every day, that I left that party. What it does and continues to do makes me more sure every day that being an independent is the only way to go. No, not Independent, as that seems to be a "third party", an independent. Just as I am a conservative libertarian, not a Libertarian.
At this point, I have no choice to vote Republican. At least in Utah, I feel this is not such a sell out, with Bennett sent to retirement and a young gun having been taken off the bench and pitched into the fray. I have been asked if I would rather have a big tent or a minority setting in the House and Senate. The answer is simple, I would rather have a minority. Why on God's green earth, was the next question. Ah, simple. Because the people do not want what is happening. What is happening will continue with a "big tent" situation in the Republican party. However, with a small tent minority, it will be EXPLICITLY CLEAR who is continuing the "business of big government" as usual and who is not, which will offer clarity like nothing else in the NEXT ELECTION. This is a "long run" game, if in truth we are running out of long run. Is this election the last, or is the next election the last, before the die is cast and government begins to control even elections? I do not know. But I know if voters can see no significant difference, they will vote much more weakly. I am all in for O'Donnell and the others. Period.
Brand quality control and differentiation is vital, not for some petty chaos mongers among us real conservatives, but for the survival of the Republic. That is all.
Good day.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
A day with the doc.
.
.
I made it without wrecking or doing anything too foolish, I think. For having been awake for two and a half days, or whatever, I am doing splendidly. I did have a few worrisome moments driving in to Logan, nodding just a split second with that feeling of waking and not knowing where I was, then where I was on the road, then regaining composure. Once my friend was in the vehicle, with someone to talk to or at least listen to, the 'events' ended.
I made it to the office just in the nick of time. I had meant to leave Logan at 11:30 but did not end up leaving until slightly after noon. My very bad but so be it. At the office, my blood pressure was abysmal at 186/118 or something. It had been lower. As recently as three weeks ago it was 156/95, or lower. I suppose sleeping problems might truly exacerbate my blood pressure issues. I did not know they would be taking samples, as the card did not suggest that I fast. I had breakfast at about 10:00, or a little earlier. The last of the rice with the last of the milk and a bit of Splenda (which I try to use sparingly). Blood and urine samples were given anyway.
She suggested that I go back on medicine. I explained that this will not work. She said I was tired because of blood pressure and diabetes. I said they must be retro-active because I have been this tired 15 years before I had these illness. She asked that I go back on the diabetes medicine. To the best of my knowledge, these did no harm, so I agreed. Of course, given the condition I am in, how well I will be able to take even these is... dubious in nature. She had read, it seems, about my injuries, to my hands. I asked about treatments for the finger and she said only surgery might help but it might hurt. Apparently she knew of no other treatments and the subjected was abruptly ended. It is pretty much what I expected. She says, of course, that adding Ritalin before these other issues are under control would be malpractice. Or, the V.A. in Iowa, and a private doctor there, were malpracticing. I think not. It does not matter at this point, I will not go back on medicines even if Ritalin were added. I hate it too, if it does lend to better compliance and physical function. It is simply too late and I will not be toyed with.
She also came down on me about not taking the diabetes medicine. I told her, as I blogged here, that I had done everything in my power to get medicines but that nothing ever came. And, yes, I made a follow up call (or three), which I posted here as well. That is on them, period. She suggested I call her case manager, someone new I guess, no longer Michelle (or however she spells it). Yeah, no. I can only handle so much trying. Just like with sex from a woman, I will not beg. I will ask, I will work it a bit, when that fails I will go research something, play a game, I might even pout somewhere out of sight (I will not offer satisfaction). If that continues, I dump the dame. I do not need more broken things in my life. So it is with medicines and the V.A. One request, on follow up, then I am out.
I took my friend to a few of our favorite stores. He looked for reloading supplies while I bit my impulses to buy bitterly, due to my finances. I almost bought two boxes of subsonic .22 ammunition. I went against that, but I did remember to look for something else, a rain poncho. I was surprised at how little they cost. The plastics where $8, the "cloth" were $9 (with tax). I went with a cloth poncho. One more little thing for a, should it be needed, B.O.B. Plus, I satisfied my itch to burn cash I do not really have in a rather economical manner.
I AM tired now. I should be able to sleep pretty soon. I want to try and stay up another hour, perhaps two. I will be setting my alarm for early, say 8:00. I have high hopes to somehow sally forth, not you Sally, in the morning and get some things done in the garage and perhaps in, around, and or on the hen house. Getting to a few bills and trying to get some others on automatic pay would also be favorable. Further, the house is falling down around my ears. I exaggerate but only in ever so a nuanced manner. Hush! *puppy*
Hmm, might not make it two hours, or one. *BAM* Hey, you... Yes, you. Do I have letters imprinted on my forehead? *ugh* Yea, good night.
.
I made it without wrecking or doing anything too foolish, I think. For having been awake for two and a half days, or whatever, I am doing splendidly. I did have a few worrisome moments driving in to Logan, nodding just a split second with that feeling of waking and not knowing where I was, then where I was on the road, then regaining composure. Once my friend was in the vehicle, with someone to talk to or at least listen to, the 'events' ended.
I made it to the office just in the nick of time. I had meant to leave Logan at 11:30 but did not end up leaving until slightly after noon. My very bad but so be it. At the office, my blood pressure was abysmal at 186/118 or something. It had been lower. As recently as three weeks ago it was 156/95, or lower. I suppose sleeping problems might truly exacerbate my blood pressure issues. I did not know they would be taking samples, as the card did not suggest that I fast. I had breakfast at about 10:00, or a little earlier. The last of the rice with the last of the milk and a bit of Splenda (which I try to use sparingly). Blood and urine samples were given anyway.
She suggested that I go back on medicine. I explained that this will not work. She said I was tired because of blood pressure and diabetes. I said they must be retro-active because I have been this tired 15 years before I had these illness. She asked that I go back on the diabetes medicine. To the best of my knowledge, these did no harm, so I agreed. Of course, given the condition I am in, how well I will be able to take even these is... dubious in nature. She had read, it seems, about my injuries, to my hands. I asked about treatments for the finger and she said only surgery might help but it might hurt. Apparently she knew of no other treatments and the subjected was abruptly ended. It is pretty much what I expected. She says, of course, that adding Ritalin before these other issues are under control would be malpractice. Or, the V.A. in Iowa, and a private doctor there, were malpracticing. I think not. It does not matter at this point, I will not go back on medicines even if Ritalin were added. I hate it too, if it does lend to better compliance and physical function. It is simply too late and I will not be toyed with.
She also came down on me about not taking the diabetes medicine. I told her, as I blogged here, that I had done everything in my power to get medicines but that nothing ever came. And, yes, I made a follow up call (or three), which I posted here as well. That is on them, period. She suggested I call her case manager, someone new I guess, no longer Michelle (or however she spells it). Yeah, no. I can only handle so much trying. Just like with sex from a woman, I will not beg. I will ask, I will work it a bit, when that fails I will go research something, play a game, I might even pout somewhere out of sight (I will not offer satisfaction). If that continues, I dump the dame. I do not need more broken things in my life. So it is with medicines and the V.A. One request, on follow up, then I am out.
I took my friend to a few of our favorite stores. He looked for reloading supplies while I bit my impulses to buy bitterly, due to my finances. I almost bought two boxes of subsonic .22 ammunition. I went against that, but I did remember to look for something else, a rain poncho. I was surprised at how little they cost. The plastics where $8, the "cloth" were $9 (with tax). I went with a cloth poncho. One more little thing for a, should it be needed, B.O.B. Plus, I satisfied my itch to burn cash I do not really have in a rather economical manner.
I AM tired now. I should be able to sleep pretty soon. I want to try and stay up another hour, perhaps two. I will be setting my alarm for early, say 8:00. I have high hopes to somehow sally forth, not you Sally, in the morning and get some things done in the garage and perhaps in, around, and or on the hen house. Getting to a few bills and trying to get some others on automatic pay would also be favorable. Further, the house is falling down around my ears. I exaggerate but only in ever so a nuanced manner. Hush! *puppy*
Hmm, might not make it two hours, or one. *BAM* Hey, you... Yes, you. Do I have letters imprinted on my forehead? *ugh* Yea, good night.
Definitely staying up too long.
.
.
My days are shifting, at this point, because my "days" are stretching. I am staying up longer. It has been 48 hours since I really slept. Though I napped yesterday morning I was conscious of my surroundings at some level. I have a full day ahead of me, though even without it I am not sure I could sleep. When I am in bed I want to be up, when I am up I want to be in bed. I had high hopes for the sleep gunk. Well, okay, I did not at first. But when I took them and could feel the pull to sleep I thought the treatment would work.
That is why I cannot concentrate. That is why I am losing track of tasks, work, and business. I am simply being stretched too thin. While it is good to know, and though I am settled and trying to figure a way around it, I am not sure how much knowing what the problem is actually is helping to solve the problem, at least so far.
Something I have realized about my moments of confusion though, long as they can be at times, is that I am actually "present" in each moment. My problem comes when I try to put the moments together. Memories, like an album of pictures in order by the time they were taken, keeps everything in life ordered. What happens when the pictures are removed and scattered is what happens when I get like this. I always wondered why no one seemed to notice that I was having problems. I also wondered how I was able to be high-functioning, though that is still a bit of a mystery. How can I do calculus, physics, or have deep discussions without actually being able to remember more the a few seconds to minutes at a time? Well, that is the most recent theory about some of what is wrong. It all, I think, relates to sleep, the lack of it or the inability to stay awake, and the exhaustion that comes from it. I think.
In times like these I walk a tight-rope in life. It is not as serious as it can be and has been. Two days without sleep is chump change compared to seven days awake. Then again I am 25 years older than I was at that time, more than double my then age. And, yes, age has a way of absolutely knocking the snot out of a guy. I do feel cheated. They say time flies as you get older. It flies faster yet if you only remember 1/3 of even your waking moments. Still, it has been a good life, once I realized things are what they are and backed off a bit. Uhrm, I think? Heh.
I think I will meander the webizens, news sites, and goof. My friend will be calling in just a short bit to make sure I am awake. I want to be leaving Logan by 11:30 as well, so leaving here in 2 hours, which means a shower, grooming, and dressing by 10:30. Give or take.
Have a good day. I hope you remember it.
.
My days are shifting, at this point, because my "days" are stretching. I am staying up longer. It has been 48 hours since I really slept. Though I napped yesterday morning I was conscious of my surroundings at some level. I have a full day ahead of me, though even without it I am not sure I could sleep. When I am in bed I want to be up, when I am up I want to be in bed. I had high hopes for the sleep gunk. Well, okay, I did not at first. But when I took them and could feel the pull to sleep I thought the treatment would work.
That is why I cannot concentrate. That is why I am losing track of tasks, work, and business. I am simply being stretched too thin. While it is good to know, and though I am settled and trying to figure a way around it, I am not sure how much knowing what the problem is actually is helping to solve the problem, at least so far.
Something I have realized about my moments of confusion though, long as they can be at times, is that I am actually "present" in each moment. My problem comes when I try to put the moments together. Memories, like an album of pictures in order by the time they were taken, keeps everything in life ordered. What happens when the pictures are removed and scattered is what happens when I get like this. I always wondered why no one seemed to notice that I was having problems. I also wondered how I was able to be high-functioning, though that is still a bit of a mystery. How can I do calculus, physics, or have deep discussions without actually being able to remember more the a few seconds to minutes at a time? Well, that is the most recent theory about some of what is wrong. It all, I think, relates to sleep, the lack of it or the inability to stay awake, and the exhaustion that comes from it. I think.
In times like these I walk a tight-rope in life. It is not as serious as it can be and has been. Two days without sleep is chump change compared to seven days awake. Then again I am 25 years older than I was at that time, more than double my then age. And, yes, age has a way of absolutely knocking the snot out of a guy. I do feel cheated. They say time flies as you get older. It flies faster yet if you only remember 1/3 of even your waking moments. Still, it has been a good life, once I realized things are what they are and backed off a bit. Uhrm, I think? Heh.
I think I will meander the webizens, news sites, and goof. My friend will be calling in just a short bit to make sure I am awake. I want to be leaving Logan by 11:30 as well, so leaving here in 2 hours, which means a shower, grooming, and dressing by 10:30. Give or take.
Have a good day. I hope you remember it.
Tea and droppings.
.
.
I made the tea and added a dropper full of melatonin in it (after cooling the tea with ice... first, I hate hot drinks and secondly I was not sure if heat would neuter the affects of the "additive"). It seems to be working, so I am going to try to sleep. Oh, I hope this works and does not leave me too groggy to wake.
Good night Heidi. By the way, I like that name, interesting spelling too.
Update: No luck, no dice, and here I sit at nearly 5:00. It did cause me to be sleepy. At which point I convened to my sleeping quarters and got comfy. Then I waited, and waited, and... gave up. I still have to be up early tomorrow. It will be a tough one. Oh well. I will try one more night, then get that other stuff.
.
I made the tea and added a dropper full of melatonin in it (after cooling the tea with ice... first, I hate hot drinks and secondly I was not sure if heat would neuter the affects of the "additive"). It seems to be working, so I am going to try to sleep. Oh, I hope this works and does not leave me too groggy to wake.
Good night Heidi. By the way, I like that name, interesting spelling too.
Update: No luck, no dice, and here I sit at nearly 5:00. It did cause me to be sleepy. At which point I convened to my sleeping quarters and got comfy. Then I waited, and waited, and... gave up. I still have to be up early tomorrow. It will be a tough one. Oh well. I will try one more night, then get that other stuff.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
The Armies of Sauron and Saruman...
.
.
...ride to their defeat. That is, the DNC and RNC and their picks are falling like flies. In some of the most hotly contested "Republican" primary processes, liberal conservatives are being shown the door. I think it started with Bennett here in Utah. If not the first, he was among the first of Sarumon's legions to fall. He has not been the last. Even the DNC is having troubles. Greene's nomination is the funniest of those. It is about time.
I had thought Libertarians might be the grassroots mechanism which would turn the Republican party on it's head. As it turns out, that party is too split between the truly libertine and the positive libertarian aspects to capture the imagination and interest of the American public. It was the same with me. There are libertarians with whom I share a great deal of commonality, there were too many with whom I shared nothing except political ill will. The Tea Party, however, filled the much needed role of undermining the Goliath monster known as establishment politics.
It has only been here and there. When their (our) pick is not chosen, the remaining candidate begins to understand the ire. All of them will be checking their principles and votes very carefully. The political guillotine Americans were given has been pulled out, sharpened, and used. The revolution is far from over. Those not up for election are hoping, now that surety has faded, that the war on politics as "we know it" will fade before they too face the fate so many of their dearly beloved fellow criminals of conscience now face. I think they hope fruitlessly.
This is not enough to save America, not everything and in all ways. We are headed for a crash. Who is in the drivers seat will only determine what we do, perhaps, when the total impact is felt. And, even if we win both both the House (probably to my mind) and the Senate (doubtful but possible in my opinion), conservatives will only hold a portion of a portion of the controls. Even if conservatives COULD do something, we still do not have enough of the steering to really do more than slow the "progress" progressives have made. No, we are, like terrorism, in it for the long haul. But it is a serious start. Can Americans stay awake and wary that long? To be honest, I am surprised they have stayed involved this long. Then again, a hungry belly and few prospects to ameliorate that situation nicely tends to keep people focused.
As much as I despise, truly hate, what we are about to go through financially I cannot but think that the event is a Godsend. I could even go so far as to hope that I-Pods, smart phones, and other such useless bling will become beyond the means of the common man. Imagine a world in which *gasp* people will have to be face to face to speak! Imagine not having people texting instead of simply talking to the person right beside them! Imagine people driving instead of texting or talking on the phone! Imagine mothers having time for their children since their is nothing else to do, fathers having time for their wives and children, and people not being so distracted by calls that they cannot do anything deeply for fear of interruption! Imagine John Lennon being shot by one of his own fans! Oh, right. Anyway. Odd that Lennon, like his virtual namesake, bringing about the reverse of everything they have worked for by getting done what they had hoped for... change. Yes, I do love to play with names, faces, places, ideas, in a mix and match way, sue me.
I was just thinking...
Oh, something I noticed recently, with eggs, is that I cannot peel them. I am an expert on eggs, simple as they are. Boiling them to a perfect (to my tastes) doneness, peeling them, and I have even learned to store them cooked and peeled for a very long time. However, the last two batches of eggs I have worked with ended up in the trash. Peeling them, and I tried several different ways, was impossible. I tried them hot and cold. I tried this old trick and that. They were impossible to peel and preserve enough egg to be worth the effort. Ah, I think, the recent egg recall has forced sellers to pasteurize the product. I think, really, that IS the problem. Once the skin under the shell becomes "cooked", or the water escapes it, or something, the moisture under the skin between it and the white is gone and this makes peeling impossible. I may have to try to find a brand of egg that does not pasteurize their eggs or just give up on them. I will bet that is our government doing something for a political reason. A man, men, or industry was targeted. There are no health problems from properly cooked unpasteurized eggs. Then again, it might be a favor to the health nuts who eat raw eggs or something? One more reason to end government as we know it!
On another food, albeit not government (sort of), topic... beans. I have been eating a LOT of beans. And while I love the little bits of mush in a skin, I must admit, it will be tough to live on these. Spice them as you may, mix in your rice, you will be full... and terribly bored. The only spice that really helps beans, unless you are a foodphile, is heat. Oh, sure, fresh spice in a bit of beans and rice can add that little something as a taste treat now and then. But in the long haul not so much. What DOES add to beans will not be all that available, that is meat. At least to my mind. And better, and more rare, meats with a healthy portion of fat. Ham, boys and girls, is a beans best friend. Rich (80% meat beef, perhaps even "richer") is good as well. Chicken? Tuna? Rabbit? No, not so much. In the end those taste like stringy beans rather than what they are.
It will be tough eating just beans, even adding in canned tuna, fresh fowl, or cuniculus (not in beans even), fresh fish, and most other easily available meats will add little in the way of fat. Trust me, you WILL miss fats. I have it from a man who grew up in the Great Depression that, as a treat, kids were offered (rarely, because of scarcity and poverty) fresh baked bread (they had no other) dipped in lard and covered with sugar. Lard, even sugar coated, is, well, lard. Imagine calling that a treat?
Still, my system is getting used to lots of beans, plenty of rice and other grains, and a more humble taste. I am still stuck on beef, pork, and other possibly soon to be gone meats. I will stay that way as long as I can, too. And I will add in other meats to my more humble diet before too long, the "skinny" meats like rabbit and chicken. I will be ahead in this way as in others. And, to some degree, I will know more surely what I have lost and will lament it the more? Who knows, but I think so. It will hurt when beef becomes a once or twice a year thing, offered as a community wide meal. It really could happen. Look to the real fall of Rome to understand. Realize how problematic our currency has become and the costs of using another currency (with it's own problems), throw in the fragility of electricity production and distribution, and how evil and stupid people can be, and the possibility is there. With the financial situation, it is more a probability, some say a forgone conclusion. *you, in the corner, babbling about off-grid, a screwy wife, and plants* Heh.
Bah, I am blathering now... again... Again, sue me.
.
...ride to their defeat. That is, the DNC and RNC and their picks are falling like flies. In some of the most hotly contested "Republican" primary processes, liberal conservatives are being shown the door. I think it started with Bennett here in Utah. If not the first, he was among the first of Sarumon's legions to fall. He has not been the last. Even the DNC is having troubles. Greene's nomination is the funniest of those. It is about time.
I had thought Libertarians might be the grassroots mechanism which would turn the Republican party on it's head. As it turns out, that party is too split between the truly libertine and the positive libertarian aspects to capture the imagination and interest of the American public. It was the same with me. There are libertarians with whom I share a great deal of commonality, there were too many with whom I shared nothing except political ill will. The Tea Party, however, filled the much needed role of undermining the Goliath monster known as establishment politics.
It has only been here and there. When their (our) pick is not chosen, the remaining candidate begins to understand the ire. All of them will be checking their principles and votes very carefully. The political guillotine Americans were given has been pulled out, sharpened, and used. The revolution is far from over. Those not up for election are hoping, now that surety has faded, that the war on politics as "we know it" will fade before they too face the fate so many of their dearly beloved fellow criminals of conscience now face. I think they hope fruitlessly.
This is not enough to save America, not everything and in all ways. We are headed for a crash. Who is in the drivers seat will only determine what we do, perhaps, when the total impact is felt. And, even if we win both both the House (probably to my mind) and the Senate (doubtful but possible in my opinion), conservatives will only hold a portion of a portion of the controls. Even if conservatives COULD do something, we still do not have enough of the steering to really do more than slow the "progress" progressives have made. No, we are, like terrorism, in it for the long haul. But it is a serious start. Can Americans stay awake and wary that long? To be honest, I am surprised they have stayed involved this long. Then again, a hungry belly and few prospects to ameliorate that situation nicely tends to keep people focused.
As much as I despise, truly hate, what we are about to go through financially I cannot but think that the event is a Godsend. I could even go so far as to hope that I-Pods, smart phones, and other such useless bling will become beyond the means of the common man. Imagine a world in which *gasp* people will have to be face to face to speak! Imagine not having people texting instead of simply talking to the person right beside them! Imagine people driving instead of texting or talking on the phone! Imagine mothers having time for their children since their is nothing else to do, fathers having time for their wives and children, and people not being so distracted by calls that they cannot do anything deeply for fear of interruption! Imagine John Lennon being shot by one of his own fans! Oh, right. Anyway. Odd that Lennon, like his virtual namesake, bringing about the reverse of everything they have worked for by getting done what they had hoped for... change. Yes, I do love to play with names, faces, places, ideas, in a mix and match way, sue me.
I was just thinking...
Oh, something I noticed recently, with eggs, is that I cannot peel them. I am an expert on eggs, simple as they are. Boiling them to a perfect (to my tastes) doneness, peeling them, and I have even learned to store them cooked and peeled for a very long time. However, the last two batches of eggs I have worked with ended up in the trash. Peeling them, and I tried several different ways, was impossible. I tried them hot and cold. I tried this old trick and that. They were impossible to peel and preserve enough egg to be worth the effort. Ah, I think, the recent egg recall has forced sellers to pasteurize the product. I think, really, that IS the problem. Once the skin under the shell becomes "cooked", or the water escapes it, or something, the moisture under the skin between it and the white is gone and this makes peeling impossible. I may have to try to find a brand of egg that does not pasteurize their eggs or just give up on them. I will bet that is our government doing something for a political reason. A man, men, or industry was targeted. There are no health problems from properly cooked unpasteurized eggs. Then again, it might be a favor to the health nuts who eat raw eggs or something? One more reason to end government as we know it!
On another food, albeit not government (sort of), topic... beans. I have been eating a LOT of beans. And while I love the little bits of mush in a skin, I must admit, it will be tough to live on these. Spice them as you may, mix in your rice, you will be full... and terribly bored. The only spice that really helps beans, unless you are a foodphile, is heat. Oh, sure, fresh spice in a bit of beans and rice can add that little something as a taste treat now and then. But in the long haul not so much. What DOES add to beans will not be all that available, that is meat. At least to my mind. And better, and more rare, meats with a healthy portion of fat. Ham, boys and girls, is a beans best friend. Rich (80% meat beef, perhaps even "richer") is good as well. Chicken? Tuna? Rabbit? No, not so much. In the end those taste like stringy beans rather than what they are.
It will be tough eating just beans, even adding in canned tuna, fresh fowl, or cuniculus (not in beans even), fresh fish, and most other easily available meats will add little in the way of fat. Trust me, you WILL miss fats. I have it from a man who grew up in the Great Depression that, as a treat, kids were offered (rarely, because of scarcity and poverty) fresh baked bread (they had no other) dipped in lard and covered with sugar. Lard, even sugar coated, is, well, lard. Imagine calling that a treat?
Still, my system is getting used to lots of beans, plenty of rice and other grains, and a more humble taste. I am still stuck on beef, pork, and other possibly soon to be gone meats. I will stay that way as long as I can, too. And I will add in other meats to my more humble diet before too long, the "skinny" meats like rabbit and chicken. I will be ahead in this way as in others. And, to some degree, I will know more surely what I have lost and will lament it the more? Who knows, but I think so. It will hurt when beef becomes a once or twice a year thing, offered as a community wide meal. It really could happen. Look to the real fall of Rome to understand. Realize how problematic our currency has become and the costs of using another currency (with it's own problems), throw in the fragility of electricity production and distribution, and how evil and stupid people can be, and the possibility is there. With the financial situation, it is more a probability, some say a forgone conclusion. *you, in the corner, babbling about off-grid, a screwy wife, and plants* Heh.
Bah, I am blathering now... again... Again, sue me.
Sassy receives a reprieve.
.
.
The reprieve is shortlived, however. The place where she is to have surgery called everyone but me. They have moved the surgery to Friday. So, I had to drive to Logan, and drive back, as there was no place other than her cage for her to be while I shopped and did other things. I am angry about it but there is nothing to be done about it.
I picked up my friend and went shopping. If nothing else, he got out of his apartment and did not have to bike places. I grabbed two large bags of cat litter, three bags of different cat foods, and clippers for my beard. If I am going to grow a beard, I need something more than a cheapo battery operated device. I did not go expensive or cheap, and looked for certain features and functions. We will see. Restaurant dining is out for this month, though McDonald makes a meal within the budget of one of my bigger meals. So to that place we went. Unsweetened tea is not great but it works. And, I did stop at the place which might have the tea and melatonin. They had it, and at a price which was well within reason. I picked up enough for nearly a month for less than $10 all totaled I believe, and a bag of millet to try out. I also checked on the price of their millet. Though it is organic, which is something I generally avoid, the price is within my constraints. For 25#, it is 95 cents a pound (plus 10% off for buying in bulk). Oddly, for 50# it is 99 cents a pound. How odd.
If I like the millet, I will begin ordering that soon. I have enough of everything but buckets to store a goodly lot of the stuff too. I suspect, when my finances stabilize, I will begin buying 50 pounds of millet and beans a month for a bit, adding in the other stuff as my finances warrant or in some sort of offset way. I will be making a buying plan shortly. Yeah, I know. It takes for...ev...er. And, it really does. That is why if you are going to start prepping it is best to start now.
An old friend finally emailed, after I sent him another another email. His life, too, has changed. No longer in academia, but with his masters in physics, he is not sure where to go. I cannot say he is a better systems operator than he is a physicist, though I might argue it, I will say he is a terrific computer guy. Let us just say that if he did not like you he could cause you tons of problems. Your machine, your networks, your internet server. Let us just hope he is on the good side. He is back home and just as miserable there. His luck with the ladies is as mine was, though I do not think he has... sampled as many roses. (Albeit, I think that is good.) I am considering having him investigate Utah. It is one state with low unemployment, a solid business setting, and a growing entrepreneurial opportunity. As he has said, he has more of a degree than he needs for jobs he does not want and too slim an education in what he actually does do (and loves). This setting would be perfect for him, I think. Here, much of what he wants to get into would be offering opportunities at the ground floor for people who can, not so much to people with degrees, if he would initially earn less. I would offer him a place to begin looking if he wanted it. I would not do that for many. This young man has serious potential. AND, he loves scotch. I do think of him as a little brother, one who has strayed from his Catholic roots (though given born-Catholic ways and the recent decay in the Church... well, there is hope for even that).
I best get to tearing off the old roof. But I have an appointment tomorrow in Ogden and another Friday in Salt Lake City. I could work on it tomorrow, weather permitting. It has been storming off and on all day today, with plenty of lightning as well. We will see. I am excited about the prospect of working again, with tools, hands, and mind. There is nothing like doing a job and knowing, finally, what that is all about. Roofing, me, ha! I never would have thunk it.
At about 22:00 I will use the consumables in an attempt to sleep. I hate taking stuff but I need to get to sleep before 4:00 or 6:00 in the morning. Nothing I have tried has even come close to helping. I cannot seem to kick over a new day, and when that has happened, it has not helped.
So much is happening but too, so much needs done, and here I sit frozen and such. It takes me so long, more so recently, to simply do the things that might help. And yet I am getting to them. I am doing little things as I may. I guess that will have to be as it is.
Good day.
.
The reprieve is shortlived, however. The place where she is to have surgery called everyone but me. They have moved the surgery to Friday. So, I had to drive to Logan, and drive back, as there was no place other than her cage for her to be while I shopped and did other things. I am angry about it but there is nothing to be done about it.
I picked up my friend and went shopping. If nothing else, he got out of his apartment and did not have to bike places. I grabbed two large bags of cat litter, three bags of different cat foods, and clippers for my beard. If I am going to grow a beard, I need something more than a cheapo battery operated device. I did not go expensive or cheap, and looked for certain features and functions. We will see. Restaurant dining is out for this month, though McDonald makes a meal within the budget of one of my bigger meals. So to that place we went. Unsweetened tea is not great but it works. And, I did stop at the place which might have the tea and melatonin. They had it, and at a price which was well within reason. I picked up enough for nearly a month for less than $10 all totaled I believe, and a bag of millet to try out. I also checked on the price of their millet. Though it is organic, which is something I generally avoid, the price is within my constraints. For 25#, it is 95 cents a pound (plus 10% off for buying in bulk). Oddly, for 50# it is 99 cents a pound. How odd.
If I like the millet, I will begin ordering that soon. I have enough of everything but buckets to store a goodly lot of the stuff too. I suspect, when my finances stabilize, I will begin buying 50 pounds of millet and beans a month for a bit, adding in the other stuff as my finances warrant or in some sort of offset way. I will be making a buying plan shortly. Yeah, I know. It takes for...ev...er. And, it really does. That is why if you are going to start prepping it is best to start now.
An old friend finally emailed, after I sent him another another email. His life, too, has changed. No longer in academia, but with his masters in physics, he is not sure where to go. I cannot say he is a better systems operator than he is a physicist, though I might argue it, I will say he is a terrific computer guy. Let us just say that if he did not like you he could cause you tons of problems. Your machine, your networks, your internet server. Let us just hope he is on the good side. He is back home and just as miserable there. His luck with the ladies is as mine was, though I do not think he has... sampled as many roses. (Albeit, I think that is good.) I am considering having him investigate Utah. It is one state with low unemployment, a solid business setting, and a growing entrepreneurial opportunity. As he has said, he has more of a degree than he needs for jobs he does not want and too slim an education in what he actually does do (and loves). This setting would be perfect for him, I think. Here, much of what he wants to get into would be offering opportunities at the ground floor for people who can, not so much to people with degrees, if he would initially earn less. I would offer him a place to begin looking if he wanted it. I would not do that for many. This young man has serious potential. AND, he loves scotch. I do think of him as a little brother, one who has strayed from his Catholic roots (though given born-Catholic ways and the recent decay in the Church... well, there is hope for even that).
I best get to tearing off the old roof. But I have an appointment tomorrow in Ogden and another Friday in Salt Lake City. I could work on it tomorrow, weather permitting. It has been storming off and on all day today, with plenty of lightning as well. We will see. I am excited about the prospect of working again, with tools, hands, and mind. There is nothing like doing a job and knowing, finally, what that is all about. Roofing, me, ha! I never would have thunk it.
At about 22:00 I will use the consumables in an attempt to sleep. I hate taking stuff but I need to get to sleep before 4:00 or 6:00 in the morning. Nothing I have tried has even come close to helping. I cannot seem to kick over a new day, and when that has happened, it has not helped.
So much is happening but too, so much needs done, and here I sit frozen and such. It takes me so long, more so recently, to simply do the things that might help. And yet I am getting to them. I am doing little things as I may. I guess that will have to be as it is.
Good day.
Monday, September 13, 2010
It is not just sleep.
.
.
I did make it to town for both of my appointments today. The haircut, I think, was fantastic and the price was right. The beard did cover much better than was expected. I actually have at least 90% color, and I would guess even more. However, I will wait and see after a few showers whether that holds. My beard consists of course hairs which, it was impressed on me, do not take dying as well as fine hairs. After making my appointments, I drove to my friends apartment and knocked. No one was home. I had forgotten my cell phone and was running too late to have called him before I left. I had meant to stop and get the tea and melatonin. It completely slipped my mind.
My problem is going beyond sleep cycle changes. I am without good direction, concentration, or willpower. I did wake up at 11:00 after not being able to get to bed until 7:00 and then only being able to rest until 9:00. Go figure. I am just a bit off. I think the financial restrictions I am under are part of the problem, that along with a slew of work and tasks which I am 'holding my breath' on and having to just hope I can figure out, somehow. Beyond those, I think as fall approaches, the sun shines fewer hours, and the world settles in for the next seasons, I prepare for near hibernation. I swear, with my capacity for handling cold, fall and winter reactions, and feral nature when prodded or poked, I must be related to bears somehow. Uhm, hungry now too. Bahrrrhrhrhrr? Yeah.
Sassy does not like the smell of my beard, at the moment. I might shower again today just to try and rid some of that. She looks for teats in there, which I have assured here do not exist to no avail. She also, usually, likes to cuddle with it, even as short as it currently is. She is starting to act funky, staying in the windows ledges, and when she is running around she is 'burrrring' a lot. I think it is a good thing she is set to be fixed soon. Oh, yes I am. I am not quite prepared to be a grandpa... I am, after all, her pop-o.
Hmm, I may simply have to try and call my friend tonight and go in tomorrow. While in town, I need to get cat litter and those sleep aids. We will see though. At least my friend is pretty easy going on time and the place should be open until at least 18:00. One more trip. Yes, I am worrying about gas money. Oh, I have ways and means left to me still, it is just a matter of keeping finances clean from month to month, at least. I need to start packing a few ducks away for rainy days now that I have what I need and want for now, mostly.
Have a good day. May you receive and give one genuine smile, laugh, and warm fuzzy today. If that is difficult, just remember, if you cannot laugh at yourself...
pick someone else. And, Darwin Awards do not always have to be fatal.
.
I did make it to town for both of my appointments today. The haircut, I think, was fantastic and the price was right. The beard did cover much better than was expected. I actually have at least 90% color, and I would guess even more. However, I will wait and see after a few showers whether that holds. My beard consists of course hairs which, it was impressed on me, do not take dying as well as fine hairs. After making my appointments, I drove to my friends apartment and knocked. No one was home. I had forgotten my cell phone and was running too late to have called him before I left. I had meant to stop and get the tea and melatonin. It completely slipped my mind.
My problem is going beyond sleep cycle changes. I am without good direction, concentration, or willpower. I did wake up at 11:00 after not being able to get to bed until 7:00 and then only being able to rest until 9:00. Go figure. I am just a bit off. I think the financial restrictions I am under are part of the problem, that along with a slew of work and tasks which I am 'holding my breath' on and having to just hope I can figure out, somehow. Beyond those, I think as fall approaches, the sun shines fewer hours, and the world settles in for the next seasons, I prepare for near hibernation. I swear, with my capacity for handling cold, fall and winter reactions, and feral nature when prodded or poked, I must be related to bears somehow. Uhm, hungry now too. Bahrrrhrhrhrr? Yeah.
Sassy does not like the smell of my beard, at the moment. I might shower again today just to try and rid some of that. She looks for teats in there, which I have assured here do not exist to no avail. She also, usually, likes to cuddle with it, even as short as it currently is. She is starting to act funky, staying in the windows ledges, and when she is running around she is 'burrrring' a lot. I think it is a good thing she is set to be fixed soon. Oh, yes I am. I am not quite prepared to be a grandpa... I am, after all, her pop-o.
Hmm, I may simply have to try and call my friend tonight and go in tomorrow. While in town, I need to get cat litter and those sleep aids. We will see though. At least my friend is pretty easy going on time and the place should be open until at least 18:00. One more trip. Yes, I am worrying about gas money. Oh, I have ways and means left to me still, it is just a matter of keeping finances clean from month to month, at least. I need to start packing a few ducks away for rainy days now that I have what I need and want for now, mostly.
Have a good day. May you receive and give one genuine smile, laugh, and warm fuzzy today. If that is difficult, just remember, if you cannot laugh at yourself...
pick someone else. And, Darwin Awards do not always have to be fatal.
Some things, some not.
.
.
I have finally located Vox's book and one of my knot tying manuals. However, I found the wrong manual. So, back to looking. It is odd that such a simple task could take so long. I have yet to get to work cleaning. Dishes set, the floor still needs swept and mopped, and the vacuum cleaner glares at me when I happen to notice. I will probably get some of that done yet tonight, maybe all of it.
Sleep and wakefulness continue to plague me. I am, as I said, staying up a good 14 to 18 hours per day, it is just that my day has slid. I think it has been through staying up longer rather than sleeping longer, which is also a good thing. I might start tracking my sleep and waking time to be sure, though I am pretty sure that is the case. Doctors have suggested that before, though back then I had no capacity to do so. I would go through periods where, if I would wake up for spells, I was never fully awake. Days, weeks, months, and at times longer periods of time drifted into one long nothingness. I am doing better.
I watched the Return of the King tonight. Watching it this time, I realized some things. When the hobbits, the ones which were a part of the fellowship, returned home, they were alone together in a sea of people who had no idea and who wanted no part of knowing. Every veteran who has risked life and limb knows this. Some, like Frodo, bear scars for life. The others carry with them memories of the reality of things. None of them would wish to give what they have received in knowledge to their nominal fellow hobbits. And yet, what to do with what they have, what they know, who they have become, and what they have learned about the rest of the world. What has been unpacked for them of the world cannot go back into the box from whence it came. That is a dilemma all who venture forth must face. I hope to follow Samwise's path, as I may. A little late, some might say. Knowing what I do, it is never too late.
Yes, for whatever reason I bear terrible scars. I have, over the years, learned to minimize those scars, with the help of psychiatry and a lot of soul searching. I have, for the most part, put away my weapons. Oddly, it is easier to do that bearing weapons... and choosing to live in peaceably armed country with fellow free men. I have worried that the content of who I am might 'contaminate' my children. That I might be too harsh, perhaps even for a woman, a wife. I think, now, at this time, that I can be strong enough for my understandings and gentle enough to flavor any fruit and woman with a kindness and direction which would be healthy. It is, if strange, my 'pets' who tell me this. And you thought felines could not talk!
I best get to things. I would like to finish a few things up and try to be to bed before too long. Wish me luck?
Good night, Angela. You are a twit, but a cute one. :p
Update: Bah! I looked everywhere I could think for the knot tying book. It must be in one of the incidental boxes or in a box not with the main group. I did find other things, books and a few pieces of kit, but not the one I was looking for. I ended up doing nothing but looking. Oh well. And it, again, is very late. Fluff and spatz.
.
I have finally located Vox's book and one of my knot tying manuals. However, I found the wrong manual. So, back to looking. It is odd that such a simple task could take so long. I have yet to get to work cleaning. Dishes set, the floor still needs swept and mopped, and the vacuum cleaner glares at me when I happen to notice. I will probably get some of that done yet tonight, maybe all of it.
Sleep and wakefulness continue to plague me. I am, as I said, staying up a good 14 to 18 hours per day, it is just that my day has slid. I think it has been through staying up longer rather than sleeping longer, which is also a good thing. I might start tracking my sleep and waking time to be sure, though I am pretty sure that is the case. Doctors have suggested that before, though back then I had no capacity to do so. I would go through periods where, if I would wake up for spells, I was never fully awake. Days, weeks, months, and at times longer periods of time drifted into one long nothingness. I am doing better.
I watched the Return of the King tonight. Watching it this time, I realized some things. When the hobbits, the ones which were a part of the fellowship, returned home, they were alone together in a sea of people who had no idea and who wanted no part of knowing. Every veteran who has risked life and limb knows this. Some, like Frodo, bear scars for life. The others carry with them memories of the reality of things. None of them would wish to give what they have received in knowledge to their nominal fellow hobbits. And yet, what to do with what they have, what they know, who they have become, and what they have learned about the rest of the world. What has been unpacked for them of the world cannot go back into the box from whence it came. That is a dilemma all who venture forth must face. I hope to follow Samwise's path, as I may. A little late, some might say. Knowing what I do, it is never too late.
Yes, for whatever reason I bear terrible scars. I have, over the years, learned to minimize those scars, with the help of psychiatry and a lot of soul searching. I have, for the most part, put away my weapons. Oddly, it is easier to do that bearing weapons... and choosing to live in peaceably armed country with fellow free men. I have worried that the content of who I am might 'contaminate' my children. That I might be too harsh, perhaps even for a woman, a wife. I think, now, at this time, that I can be strong enough for my understandings and gentle enough to flavor any fruit and woman with a kindness and direction which would be healthy. It is, if strange, my 'pets' who tell me this. And you thought felines could not talk!
I best get to things. I would like to finish a few things up and try to be to bed before too long. Wish me luck?
Good night, Angela. You are a twit, but a cute one. :p
Update: Bah! I looked everywhere I could think for the knot tying book. It must be in one of the incidental boxes or in a box not with the main group. I did find other things, books and a few pieces of kit, but not the one I was looking for. I ended up doing nothing but looking. Oh well. And it, again, is very late. Fluff and spatz.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Sleeping oddities continue.
.
.
I do not think the place that would have the items I am looking for as sleep remedies is open on Sundays, in spite of it being a atheistic place. Weird it is, just odd. I was not able to rise in time to go yesterday. I will make every effort to be up early enough to be in tomorrow before my appointment. I will be in, somehow, period.
I am still thinking over how to wash the cat. Since my finances are tapped for the moment, Sam gets a short reprieve. It is not that my ideas are really expensive, it is just that the several of them could end costing a slight coin more than I am willing to part with, and if one does not work another would need to be expensed. The cat wins for now. Still, she is generally clean. She comes back in a little greasy or dirty from playing and hunting. After a little lick and spit she spiffs up well. I just suspect she needs a little more than what she can do herself from time to time. Sassy really needed cleaned. She has not quite learned the fine art of cleanliness. I suspect, after getting washed a few times as needed, she will pick up the pace given the alternative. Who knows though, maybe it is merely a maturity thing, as she spends so much time playing hard, then sleeping, that she does not have as much time to spit spiffify. As well, I think Sam somehow does not help things with the kitten.
I will try to get the house picked up and find a couple of books I am looking for today. Dishes need tending, I need to wash the spare litter boxes, sweeping, mopping, and vacuuming are all on the list. Actually, I have never quite gotten to vacuuming yet, or mopping actually. I do understands feline aversion to water, I have it for the vacuum cleaner. As well, I have no logical reason while they do. A cat who cannot dry off in an hour may well get VERY sick or die. They know it. They, however, have no means of taking low humidity into consideration. Ackh! Cats have more reasoning capacity than I? Yep, in this comparison case. Well, a vacuum cleaner could electrocute me? Bah!
That is it for today. I just woke up an hour or so ago. Bad. Very bad. But it is what it is. Good day.
.
I do not think the place that would have the items I am looking for as sleep remedies is open on Sundays, in spite of it being a atheistic place. Weird it is, just odd. I was not able to rise in time to go yesterday. I will make every effort to be up early enough to be in tomorrow before my appointment. I will be in, somehow, period.
I am still thinking over how to wash the cat. Since my finances are tapped for the moment, Sam gets a short reprieve. It is not that my ideas are really expensive, it is just that the several of them could end costing a slight coin more than I am willing to part with, and if one does not work another would need to be expensed. The cat wins for now. Still, she is generally clean. She comes back in a little greasy or dirty from playing and hunting. After a little lick and spit she spiffs up well. I just suspect she needs a little more than what she can do herself from time to time. Sassy really needed cleaned. She has not quite learned the fine art of cleanliness. I suspect, after getting washed a few times as needed, she will pick up the pace given the alternative. Who knows though, maybe it is merely a maturity thing, as she spends so much time playing hard, then sleeping, that she does not have as much time to spit spiffify. As well, I think Sam somehow does not help things with the kitten.
I will try to get the house picked up and find a couple of books I am looking for today. Dishes need tending, I need to wash the spare litter boxes, sweeping, mopping, and vacuuming are all on the list. Actually, I have never quite gotten to vacuuming yet, or mopping actually. I do understands feline aversion to water, I have it for the vacuum cleaner. As well, I have no logical reason while they do. A cat who cannot dry off in an hour may well get VERY sick or die. They know it. They, however, have no means of taking low humidity into consideration. Ackh! Cats have more reasoning capacity than I? Yep, in this comparison case. Well, a vacuum cleaner could electrocute me? Bah!
That is it for today. I just woke up an hour or so ago. Bad. Very bad. But it is what it is. Good day.
On the matter of washing cats.
.
.
My first suggestion is to not try this at home. Or, if you do, to figure out something before hand. Do not expect to simply gently carry your cat into the bathroom, no matter how prepped it is but more so if not prepped, and simply tickle your little furry friend with a little soap, water, and giggles. It does not work like that. Oh no, no it does not.
I did get the kitty cleaned. She smelled sour and I thought I could tackle her. Sure enough, I got the deed done, and with only one or two very minor scratches. Oh, she struggled, fussed, and howled in a manner I have rarely heard a cat sound off. I can see why cats were thought to have been somehow connected with Satan. I found, with her, that the skin at the back of the neck worked rather well. A little care when that was not possible made for a clean kitten.
Sam, on the other hand, was simply impossible. The skin on the back of her neck did little good. She was swinging those claws around, out like little switchblades, like some kind of rotating, gyrating, vorporal weapon. I narrowly missed those claws several times. In spite of being rather small creatures, cats are still partially feral so they are far stronger than they would seem. Beyond that, their natural ability to literally twist inside their skin along with the silkiness of their fur makes them quite formidable little beasties.
I realized, without protective gear or some means of mechanically limiting Sam's ability to claw, I was not going to get the job done without serious injuries. No, really. So, I got to thinking. Perhaps I could tie her up, hogtie her really. I grabbed a length of parachute cord, the cat, and went in to the couch where we could play cowboy and cow. Tying up a cat is about as easy as washing them, if less dangerous. Sam let me do what I wanted, so long as water was not near, and then did her best to undo what I was doing. She was far more successful at undoing than I was at doing. I am not, however, a knot expert. I may look through my books. I bought several books on the topic of knot tying, and I know there is a self tightening knot or there which might work in this situation (and at least one of them is safe for people (thus animals most likely). The other options is to find something, like a shirt give or take, which would restrict her limbs but would allow me to wash her as well. Either those, perhaps, or waterproof full body armor of some minor sort. Everything I have that is most waterproof is too thick to be functional at washing her or too thin to be of any serious protection. Just thinking here. I suspect I will go with the knots. I need practice anyway.
Not much else has been done today. With my sleep becoming erratic, even in just a few short days, I have lost track of what day it is. I will have to keep on top of that. I have two things coming up. Sassy goes in to be fixed the morning I am supposed to go for a checkup. There is no way I will be able to deliver her by 7:00, so I will simply have to leave her there the day before and pick her up on my way home from the appointment. That is the only way. I am hoping to get to a few things tomorrow. I am going to try to get to sleep in an hour or so as well. Who knows though.
Good night, perhaps.
.
My first suggestion is to not try this at home. Or, if you do, to figure out something before hand. Do not expect to simply gently carry your cat into the bathroom, no matter how prepped it is but more so if not prepped, and simply tickle your little furry friend with a little soap, water, and giggles. It does not work like that. Oh no, no it does not.
I did get the kitty cleaned. She smelled sour and I thought I could tackle her. Sure enough, I got the deed done, and with only one or two very minor scratches. Oh, she struggled, fussed, and howled in a manner I have rarely heard a cat sound off. I can see why cats were thought to have been somehow connected with Satan. I found, with her, that the skin at the back of the neck worked rather well. A little care when that was not possible made for a clean kitten.
Sam, on the other hand, was simply impossible. The skin on the back of her neck did little good. She was swinging those claws around, out like little switchblades, like some kind of rotating, gyrating, vorporal weapon. I narrowly missed those claws several times. In spite of being rather small creatures, cats are still partially feral so they are far stronger than they would seem. Beyond that, their natural ability to literally twist inside their skin along with the silkiness of their fur makes them quite formidable little beasties.
I realized, without protective gear or some means of mechanically limiting Sam's ability to claw, I was not going to get the job done without serious injuries. No, really. So, I got to thinking. Perhaps I could tie her up, hogtie her really. I grabbed a length of parachute cord, the cat, and went in to the couch where we could play cowboy and cow. Tying up a cat is about as easy as washing them, if less dangerous. Sam let me do what I wanted, so long as water was not near, and then did her best to undo what I was doing. She was far more successful at undoing than I was at doing. I am not, however, a knot expert. I may look through my books. I bought several books on the topic of knot tying, and I know there is a self tightening knot or there which might work in this situation (and at least one of them is safe for people (thus animals most likely). The other options is to find something, like a shirt give or take, which would restrict her limbs but would allow me to wash her as well. Either those, perhaps, or waterproof full body armor of some minor sort. Everything I have that is most waterproof is too thick to be functional at washing her or too thin to be of any serious protection. Just thinking here. I suspect I will go with the knots. I need practice anyway.
Not much else has been done today. With my sleep becoming erratic, even in just a few short days, I have lost track of what day it is. I will have to keep on top of that. I have two things coming up. Sassy goes in to be fixed the morning I am supposed to go for a checkup. There is no way I will be able to deliver her by 7:00, so I will simply have to leave her there the day before and pick her up on my way home from the appointment. That is the only way. I am hoping to get to a few things tomorrow. I am going to try to get to sleep in an hour or so as well. Who knows though.
Good night, perhaps.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Yes, I get 9/11.
.
.
I do. I was reading a post earlier where someone said they avoid watching the events more than once a year, on the anniversary, because they tend to tear up or outright cry. At first, in my half asleep way, I grumbled about the notion. Well, until I realize I do the same thing. Never... mind... Fine, yeah, okay, I see that. I really understand the outrage over the event, or each of them if you want to get particular. Each plane and what happened to it, the passengers and crew it carried, and the people in the buildings most of those planes hit. Each building hit is or was a vital part of what America is (for good or ill can be discussed by leftists, and various miscreants, just not here). I am one of those people on those planes by the fact that I am simply a citizen of the nation. I worked with and for one of those targets. And I have always believed in the nature of what the other two buildings attacked represent, if I cannot become a part of that I have hope for children or at least family members working their way up to that type of success. So, the attack was personal though I knew not a single person murdered that day.
I do understand the reaction our government developed and carried out. The perfection, direction, and outcomes can and are questioned. I do some of that myself. However, I understand that this nation, regardless what some naysayers think, is a populist Democratic Republic. The pressure to do what was done, and even more than what has been done and is ongoing, was beyond any politician, no matter how principled, to avoid. Ron Paul, believe or not at your peril, would have had our military doing pretty much what it did or more (he has a bona fide deficit, and like Democrats, would have had to prove his fidelity to "his people". That is why Democrats have started most of the wars we have been in, it is an attempt (and usually a failed one) to cover their deficit (as well, they have found the populist aspect of war often works in their favor come election time).
So, yeah, I see these things and I understand the war on islam (as that is what it truly is, regardless the silk split tongues which deny the thing). I understand why Americans, the smart ones, really want an end to islam in America. The cult will never be an American institution because it does not believe in free will, it does not support democracy. It is against secularism (though all religions should be, meaning Christianity in America is pretty much dead). The difference, however, between Christianity and islam is that Christianity does not believe in using violence to enforce it's tenants.
What I do not get is the fact that we have a group of people, right here in our borders, who we already call citizens, who kill far more than any foreign group or so-called religion ever has. They murder over 10 times the number of people, by population base, as anyone else. I cannot seem to find the forcible rape or other crimes committed by this group, thanks in part to a politically corrected FBI (was surprised I found what I did, to be honest), though I have heard that is even worse. We have an enemy within our borders, and amongst our "citizenry" which is completely ignored. An enemy who murders more people, rapes more people, and commits crimes of every flavor with complete abandon.
I guess, what I am saying, is we really need to clean up our own home before we try and clean up the world. At the least, it should be a two pronged offense. The question is how do we do this? With a foreign enemy, the case is very simple. The only way to wage war on a citizen bloc is either the dysfunctional method of police application we are using currently or the suspension of rights to the bloc in question.
Outraged about 9/11? Yes, yes indeed. But that pales in comparison. If the government is truly set up to preserve the rights of all, then it must also have the backbone to suspend the rights of those who suppress, or simply strip, the rights of others through crime. Instead we have police forces, laws themselves, and bureaucrats who work to offer super justice to this group. A government which shows preference for these enemies. And then we wonder why we have a problem with an enemy building a cult center to celebrate their victory over America through murder right next door to where they committed their crime? Really? What a surprise.
.
I do. I was reading a post earlier where someone said they avoid watching the events more than once a year, on the anniversary, because they tend to tear up or outright cry. At first, in my half asleep way, I grumbled about the notion. Well, until I realize I do the same thing. Never... mind... Fine, yeah, okay, I see that. I really understand the outrage over the event, or each of them if you want to get particular. Each plane and what happened to it, the passengers and crew it carried, and the people in the buildings most of those planes hit. Each building hit is or was a vital part of what America is (for good or ill can be discussed by leftists, and various miscreants, just not here). I am one of those people on those planes by the fact that I am simply a citizen of the nation. I worked with and for one of those targets. And I have always believed in the nature of what the other two buildings attacked represent, if I cannot become a part of that I have hope for children or at least family members working their way up to that type of success. So, the attack was personal though I knew not a single person murdered that day.
I do understand the reaction our government developed and carried out. The perfection, direction, and outcomes can and are questioned. I do some of that myself. However, I understand that this nation, regardless what some naysayers think, is a populist Democratic Republic. The pressure to do what was done, and even more than what has been done and is ongoing, was beyond any politician, no matter how principled, to avoid. Ron Paul, believe or not at your peril, would have had our military doing pretty much what it did or more (he has a bona fide deficit, and like Democrats, would have had to prove his fidelity to "his people". That is why Democrats have started most of the wars we have been in, it is an attempt (and usually a failed one) to cover their deficit (as well, they have found the populist aspect of war often works in their favor come election time).
So, yeah, I see these things and I understand the war on islam (as that is what it truly is, regardless the silk split tongues which deny the thing). I understand why Americans, the smart ones, really want an end to islam in America. The cult will never be an American institution because it does not believe in free will, it does not support democracy. It is against secularism (though all religions should be, meaning Christianity in America is pretty much dead). The difference, however, between Christianity and islam is that Christianity does not believe in using violence to enforce it's tenants.
What I do not get is the fact that we have a group of people, right here in our borders, who we already call citizens, who kill far more than any foreign group or so-called religion ever has. They murder over 10 times the number of people, by population base, as anyone else. I cannot seem to find the forcible rape or other crimes committed by this group, thanks in part to a politically corrected FBI (was surprised I found what I did, to be honest), though I have heard that is even worse. We have an enemy within our borders, and amongst our "citizenry" which is completely ignored. An enemy who murders more people, rapes more people, and commits crimes of every flavor with complete abandon.
I guess, what I am saying, is we really need to clean up our own home before we try and clean up the world. At the least, it should be a two pronged offense. The question is how do we do this? With a foreign enemy, the case is very simple. The only way to wage war on a citizen bloc is either the dysfunctional method of police application we are using currently or the suspension of rights to the bloc in question.
Outraged about 9/11? Yes, yes indeed. But that pales in comparison. If the government is truly set up to preserve the rights of all, then it must also have the backbone to suspend the rights of those who suppress, or simply strip, the rights of others through crime. Instead we have police forces, laws themselves, and bureaucrats who work to offer super justice to this group. A government which shows preference for these enemies. And then we wonder why we have a problem with an enemy building a cult center to celebrate their victory over America through murder right next door to where they committed their crime? Really? What a surprise.
Hmm...
.
.
I woke up a little before 1:00. Simply put, there was no going right back to sleep. I do not know what woke me. I decided to tinker a bit, watch a bit of tube, eat a bite, then try to go back to bed. At a little after 3:00, I think it is time. If not perfect, I am doing all I can to figure this thing out.
Good night, again, I hope, Mom.
Update: No such luck. Sleep could not be had. Two hours of rolling and tossing netted me nothing but frustration. So, I am up. I will try to make it through the day. It will be a rough one. I will, as usual, simply do what I can. Oh, I cannot remember the tea, but the other stuff is melatonin I believe. I need to get into town and check on that. Money is so tight though, I will have to really think before a purchase. I am hoping I can get a decent supply for $10 per, or less. I could go a bit higher, but not much.
Later.
*grumble*
I remember. Camomile... tea... If those do not work, there is one more thing to add in to the mix. I hate medicine, of any kind. We will see.
.
I woke up a little before 1:00. Simply put, there was no going right back to sleep. I do not know what woke me. I decided to tinker a bit, watch a bit of tube, eat a bite, then try to go back to bed. At a little after 3:00, I think it is time. If not perfect, I am doing all I can to figure this thing out.
Good night, again, I hope, Mom.
Update: No such luck. Sleep could not be had. Two hours of rolling and tossing netted me nothing but frustration. So, I am up. I will try to make it through the day. It will be a rough one. I will, as usual, simply do what I can. Oh, I cannot remember the tea, but the other stuff is melatonin I believe. I need to get into town and check on that. Money is so tight though, I will have to really think before a purchase. I am hoping I can get a decent supply for $10 per, or less. I could go a bit higher, but not much.
Later.
*grumble*
I remember. Camomile... tea... If those do not work, there is one more thing to add in to the mix. I hate medicine, of any kind. We will see.
Friday, September 10, 2010
To bed by 22:00?
.
.
Could be. I have about a half an hour to prepare. I did not find, or even end up looking for, the book I had in mind. However, I have another that might do. I did not make it into town either. Tomorrow, perhaps, will see to these things. I will set the alarm for 8:00 tomorrow. That would allow 2 and a half hours for reading and tossing and turning and still offer eight hours of sleep. We will see.
While I did tend to some business, little else was done today. So be it. I suppose, given everything, that is to be expected. If I can get my schedule arranged over the weekend, I will worry about little, doing what I see, think about, and whatever happens to happen will be the way of things.
I decided to let Sam out a day early. I now, more fully, understand why parents suggest that punishing children is at least as, if not more, difficult for the parent. Sam's incessant begging, whining, and foul mood has been torturous. Still, I was pleased I lasted as long as I did. I tried to get Sassy to venture forth, along with me, for a bit. Her big eyes and fluffy ears took in of the outdoors what they could from just a step out and with the doors wide open. She stayed for just a bit, I coaxed her back a time or two, and then she ran away like the little girl she is. It was a pleasing number of moments. She will graduate soon, this was her first step outside, ever, I do believe.
It is time. Good night, I hope, Jean.
.
Could be. I have about a half an hour to prepare. I did not find, or even end up looking for, the book I had in mind. However, I have another that might do. I did not make it into town either. Tomorrow, perhaps, will see to these things. I will set the alarm for 8:00 tomorrow. That would allow 2 and a half hours for reading and tossing and turning and still offer eight hours of sleep. We will see.
While I did tend to some business, little else was done today. So be it. I suppose, given everything, that is to be expected. If I can get my schedule arranged over the weekend, I will worry about little, doing what I see, think about, and whatever happens to happen will be the way of things.
I decided to let Sam out a day early. I now, more fully, understand why parents suggest that punishing children is at least as, if not more, difficult for the parent. Sam's incessant begging, whining, and foul mood has been torturous. Still, I was pleased I lasted as long as I did. I tried to get Sassy to venture forth, along with me, for a bit. Her big eyes and fluffy ears took in of the outdoors what they could from just a step out and with the doors wide open. She stayed for just a bit, I coaxed her back a time or two, and then she ran away like the little girl she is. It was a pleasing number of moments. She will graduate soon, this was her first step outside, ever, I do believe.
It is time. Good night, I hope, Jean.
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