I was starting to wonder, worry.

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My blood pressure had not been dropping since I added a little extra lasix (water pill). While I was symptomatically and and in (what I thought was) a empirical way feeling better, my weight and blood pressure simply would not yield. But it had only been a few days. Still, there was zero movement. Finally, when I woke today, bp had dropped in to 137/84 with a pulse of 54 (a bit low?). Weight is down to a reasonable amount, sort of. They had wanted me to gain 4 pounds after two visits back, I am 6.6 pounds up, in spite of them not really seeming to care when I went over 10 pounds up. I simply don't have a sense that... what they want makes sense. It felt like things were being made up as we went along. They made rules for me, then promptly ignored the results. Maybe, for them, it all made sense. Results on my end were not stacking up and they kept changing the rules and adding medicine that, if not hurting necessarily, wasn't helping either. My turn, to a degree. And, if it is killing me I certainly feel better for it? Something like that.

I need to get going. I thought the appointment was at 14:00, it is at 13:00 and I woke late. Good day.

Bedtime?

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At 5:40, it's been a bit rough. I was ready for bed hours ago, sleep simply wouldn't happen. Not doing much feeds the cycle, but not being able to do much is a part OF the problem. Working on it. What is they say, what doesn't kill you only delays the inevitable? :p

A little morning mood setting for you.





Good night.

But of course.

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I probably am beginning to get better, again. The problem? I have to go through the unsettling stages, again, as well. I means I will be running a little hot until I can gear down. Long days, late nights, a messy schedule, and the rest. I had just begun to get a handle on that when water levels/blood pressure where allowed to deteriorate, and function with it. Oh well, I learned a great deal from that first time. It should be interesting to see if I can ride the waves more successfully now.

There isn't much in the news. Republicans look set to cave, one way or another, and completely. The presidential campaigns for the GOP are about as good as the summer movie line-up. Is there a summer movie line-up anymore or this year? Aliens & Cowboys is the only thing I have heard mentioned. Whatever. I had thought about seeing it, but... probably not. I just hate giving money to Hollywood. They were always rotten. But at one time they were, at least vocally, American. If they want to be worldly, let them join with the U.N. and get their arses to Switzerland or something. They would make quite the pair of industries.

Hmm, not sure what to do. I just know I can't sleep. And yet, I'm not doing enough better quite yet then to do more than just... not sleep? Something like that. I hope you are sleeping well. I'll get over it.

Another day of rest.

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I sense that I am improving. It is not a quick thing. Today I needed rest. It seems, if I can do things, I can do much. If I cannot get passed whatever the problem is, I simply really can't. Now that I have seen fluid, blood pressure, and such at various levels, I am positive there is a link. It isn't a perfect link, it isn't absolute, but that is the key. It is in that muck somewhere. I don't even know if those are merely indicators of something else, if they go on to affect the heart and through it my blood flow and everything else, or if they are the sum of the problem. I simply don't know. Further, I don't think the doctors know. You can only memorize so much, you can only put just so many studies together in your mind, there are limits. And, of course, studies are often highly dubious. You can probably find a study to show whatever you wish to be shown. Tarot cards and star readings, almost.

I need to get into some kind of better physical condition beyond dealing with the stats. That can only happen if I keep the blood pressure and fluid levels are low enough to have a chance at function, thought, memory, and focus. Such a tricky thing. I definitely am not well qualified to do these things. And doctors don't know my particulars or the effects of medicine on me. Perhaps a bit of their and mine and it could happen.

I am hungry though. A very good sign. The meals I have been eating have gotten a bit scarce and small. Hunger is something I need. Much as thirst. These things have been flagging, along with the rest of my successes. To see hunger back is great. To that end I am thawing chicken gizzards and hearts for dinner. Tomorrow when I take Sam in for her last shot, I will do some shopping. I will ask if they can manage to have her there, give her the shot without me, and have her in the travel carrier when I return to pay. It often takes 45 minutes to an hour, or seems like it. Two trips to town otherwise, at this point, just seems a bit much.

As it is cooling I may go out and try to tinker with the brake line a bit. Between that and cooking, my day is otherwise empty. I needed it. To bed earlier tonight. I have definitely reset the computer clock to the correct time. Then again, I wonder if a flutter in electricity might reset the computer clock without booting the machine? I am almost certain I had the clock set yesterday.

Have a good evening.

Oh, right.

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I have been giving advice to someone about romance. My... notions are... harsh. Something about being hardnosed and not giving any wiggle room. And, while I do like my advice and take it myself (and yeah, it has been successful when employed, as successful as secular relationships allow), I am definitely single at the moment. I changed from secular to religious and... am contemplating, and ill. If too I do still have options. Never you mind. Still, that isn't the point. I would like to add something to my advice. If you can't quite do hardnosed, try this...

Oh, while it is fine to watch it in my blog, it is better to click over to YouTube where you can make it full screen. Yum!



Do you have the testosteroni for it? Oh yeah, it would work. And, knowing you... You could pull this or something like it off. Need a hand? I would help, and be the videographer. That expression is priceless and I would absolutely love capturing it. Love pron? Somethin'. And... she is hooked... HARD. She will now kill for him. Just... a thought.

You know who you are.

I've got to!

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Oh, just waking up and still a bit torqued about some things. Must have dreamed about them because I hit the flooring ready to pounce. Doctors, medicine, something, really has my tail under foot. *RRRyowcH* When every doctor you meet either acts like they are playing aggressive, even disrespectfully aggressive chess with you, treats you like you are a child, as if you are insane (if in a safe enough form of insanity to yell at you), or like you are an hysteric... and further makes huge mistakes in your care... not just one but every frigging one of them... you learn to have a deep seated absolutely confrontational or seriously passive but highly defensive approach when dealing with them (depending on which way they come at you and what you think is your best tactical tack response and think actual self preservation in these approaches).

It seems as if they want to get as close to healing/helping you as possible and then leave it one, two, or three ticks off target so that you are never quite 'good', you can't quite heal, you aren't comfortable. It's like they know, like an eye doctor might suspect when testing your eyes, "Is 1, *click* or 2, better?", your eyes what works, but doesn't want to give it to you. It's like that eye doctor wants your vision to be less than it could be. They seem to want to hurt me, they don't want me healthy. Well, the "good doctors" do that, the bad ones just give me a prescription for a rope, a step stool, and a few other things they really think I ought to use as they prescribed, verbatim. Some doctors you just have to see coming, the rest of them you shouldn't let near you. Fuckers.

You can't fully trust their medicine. Some of them, you think, are in the rightish neighborhood, often by accident. My health came about because three different doctors, uninvolved with the other two, I allowed to give me minimal prescriptions, of different kinds, and I took all of them on a... bet, a gamble. When you find those 'one to three ticks off doctors', if you are in good shape, you let them tinker a bit (until, again, they prove they have no idea what they are doing or are merely experimenting because you are particularly interesting or because they want you sick or worse), you do what you must, you take control and risks, and you do what you must. Oh, they will give me sh*t about it. And I will completely f'ing ignore them. If they want to cut me off, fine. They were ignoring my worries, my concerns, and even my needs. My blood pressure is still pretty high, my function level is still pretty low, my fluid level is high, but I have dropped 3 or 4 of that extra 10 pounds, and am starting to feel better again. A few more days to a week of playing ball by my rules and I should be back in the game. If they had at least given some kind of a nod to what I was concerned about it would have been easier. Nope, their way, their stuff, everything else ignored. Further, if this had been one iota successful, I might have just gone sledding with those notions. Nope, I was dropping like a rock, by adding weight, water, blood pressure, and loss of function. If it was winter, that too would have been another thing, a bit, but only regarding function. But it is not, there really isn't an external reason. Definitely the meds.

So, I expect they will lambast me, or sigh with disappointment, or check some little box, smirk, or give me crap in some other way. Tough titty, I don't trust them. And they haven't earned trust. They, like all before them, in any field, would just let me rot and not even worry about it. Just keep tossing meds, blood tests, other tests, and watching as I fall. Grima Wormtongues indeed. Where is my fucking sword! Ah well, some other King has decided to preserve them. Bah!

I went to bed far later than I had planned last night. I was watching the clock on the computer. I have to set that clock every time I turn the computer on, the loaner computer is missing a battery for powerdown back-up. I thought I had set it. Nope. What I thought was 21:43 was more like 23:54 or something. I closed up shop when I figured this all out. At least I slept well, and fell asleep easily. I set the alarm for 9:00 or something but wasn't out of that bed until 10:00 or a little more. The cats were not allowed in and were screwing around at the door all night. Still a bit burned out, from cat folly, dreams, and the last few days, I don't know if I will get to anything today. I would like to find that camera, tinker on the bike, and locate a card reader for the camera card, look for those hiking books, and make some calls. I don't know if I will do much, but I will... put in what I can.

Good day.

Topics in the news.

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While California is bleeding companies, and jobs, a half dozen conservative states are taking them in as fast as they can. I am sure many companies don't want to move to conservative states. They are in California because it is socially free there. They can smoke pot, have it delivered even. They can do anything they could in Sin City, without the flash and potential for other problems, so long as they keep it discreet. Similar to other states, all states?, but not. Money is king there, if you have it you can do whatever you want.

Now, it seems like California is losing. And they are. But... is that the plan? Every big business that leaves California and sets up shop in a conservative or at least business friendly state, whether it takes it's liberal employees or not, takes with it the mandate of quotas and the liberalization that is required by federal law and seemingly corporate group think these days. Is having 100,000 more jobs worth selling your soul? I don't know, just some thoughts.

The other thing I saw in the news was some sort of legislation (out of the House of course) to allow standard light bulbs, based on freedom of choice. Fine, nice. But far too late. I think half of the reason to ban filament light bulbs had more to do with removing that manufacturing sector from the U.S. That, most likely, has already been done. Republicans are so very reactive as to be comical, except it's not at all funny. And, yes, I think they know what they are doing. Let the thieves steal everything, then change the law saying that thieves can no longer steal, but grandfather in the theft. Whatever.

Politicians are not your savior, they aren't your friend, they aren't family, they are businessmen going about making life easier for themselves and for their clans. Even the ones I think could help, I am no fool, are not doing it for the right reasons, they aren't doing it for the good of men (it just happens that their way is preferable and most successful) and they would be just as bad if allowed free reign. Trust no man, especially politicians who play men in real life. Actors and businessmen. Then again, Democrats are outright evil. They MEAN to control you, hurt you, take your real rights, give you false ones, and rule. Republicans are just looking at making a buck and getting re-elected.

I expect a complete and utter Republican cave on the budget. Not only will almost no spending be cut, no amendment proposed, and taxes go up, but nothing will be tied to anything. Oh, there will be a "package". It will taste just like the last budget package. Perhaps that is politics, as good as they can do, but they will pay, right along with the Democrats. Unless people just give up. Actually, it looks like people are giving up. I'm not giving up, but I know the game is already lost. The economy could be repaired. The same way we could send men to Mars in a decade. My guess is, if we exist in a decade, we will all be third-worlders. Then again, banks won't be able to foreclose. There was a reason bandits were popular, even the more ruthless among them sometimes. When no one has anything, many dream of just taking what little anyone else has. Not good, but people are flawed.

Good night.

I am taking a risk.

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My ability to function has decreased with increased fluid and blood pressure. None of that seems to bother the doctors. Nor does gaining ten pounds, when I thought the cutoff was about five pounds. My sense of being under water keeps increasing, as well... pulmonary edema, full blown, seems to be just around the corner. I won't go there. While I understand there are other parameters to be watched, I simply won't allow edema to creep back in, for any reason. So, I'm going to do what I feel I must. I will let them know tomorrow... or... whenever I can get my head screwed around doing... making... some calls. Another 20 mg of lasix, in the evening for now. If that doesn't work I'll move it to the morning with the rest of it.

I keep 'oiling' my ears. They should be loose enough to use the bulb syringe to attempt to remove the wax. Two things seem to perplex me. One of them is that I need to get water to as close to body temperature as possible. Oddly, I am not sure how to go about that. The thermometers I have are digital, and the ones with alarms do not offer an alarm as temperatures fall. I am not even sure if they are useful at that low of a temperature. If they do go that low, I would probably have to do a fairly large 'batch' of water, as a small amount would heat too quickly. The other problem is, in the evenings when I would truly consider doing this, I have been extremely tired. My evenings are becoming what my whole days used to be. Focus is off. Then again, I think night time exhaustion is... good. normal. Perhaps a little heavier for me than most, but... it beats being like that all day.

The duct tape does seem to be working on the moles. They aren't gone. But they do look like coop shoppers now compared to steak restaurant eaters before duct tape. They look wasted, pale, and near death. A few more days of tape and I will use one of my pocket knives to... explore. I don't want them to bleed, I merely wish to see if the skin around them will loosen a bit, perhaps to see if they will pop out. Who knows. No surgery, just some investigation. I have been plagued by these darned things before. If this works, I will be eminently pleased. Doctors... they just had me come back, and back, and back, until I gave up on them. Eventually they do go away. But for me, it was years, not a year or two. Gross! *zip* That's all they wrote for you, Mr. Wart... I hope.

Pretty zapped still. Not as bad as earlier. I was hoping to avoid a nap. Now I am just trying to hang on until 21:00 to 22:00. It seems when I try to hang on, I zombify and sometimes, then, can't sleep at all. Such a balancing act. But I am learning so much about how to treat the little problems. Not always successfully, every time, but the tricks are real and often work. A little more consciousness, a little more of an ability to focus, and added memory all lend a significant amount to function. Each is exponentially adding to my function. Combined? I honestly wonder what God ever had in mind for me if I were to be fully functional? Seriously, it's almost frightening. I am almost glad I am ill. I'm not sure I could use what is here, in my flesh. Now I am passing my prime, the onus of excellence is past. But I could still... make a decent life for myself, in a small way. That's good enough for me. It's all I ever hoped.

Well, on to tinkering. Just reading, blogging rounds, a bit of gaming, and cooling down while staying up for a decent night's sleep. Good night. God bless.

It was a rough one.

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The drive was great. The weather is cooler with a storm passing through. Traffic was rather mild, not too thick, mean, or slow. The appointment was a breeze. I did ask about an APAP but I was told that is contraindicated because of my heart condition. And the bi-PAP was out too. So, it's a CPAP. I am supposed to call someone and set up an in-home setup. But I truly hate having people in my home, you never know what kind of creepy people will arrive. And it seems, more and more, if the work has anything to do with the government, the workers will be the gnarliest people the government can find. So, I may see if I can go in to an office and have it done. Some people I don't want in my house, heck, I don't want them to know where I live. How can I know if they just show up?

In spite of pushing, hard, to make it. I never quite... pulled myself out of that morning exhaustion. It is not like, lately, I have been overflowing with energy. But I have been rested when I wake, I have been able to do some things on some days, and it hasn't been an issue to my conscious mind. I am doing less these last few weeks. But I haven't felt tired. Today is different. No matter, I did make it in, on time, and got it done. The woman doing the physical and review... was shocked at me. She simply couldn't wrap her head around my physical condition and physical appearance. She stated simply that I shouldn't... look this good. And I suggested, or do what I do as well as I do, given all. I could have said more, but that would have just been snark (not at her, or doctors, just... just snark). It might have been funny too, in a guy way. But one must assume all professional women are feminists and never discuss anything with them. Ever.

Anyway, that is where things stand. I honestly doubt if I have any sleep apnea whatsoever. I never just fall asleep. Heck, sometimes I CAN'T even nap when I want. Tired, sure. But the heart covers that. The only reason I went with the machine is just in case the machine might improve conditions brought about by the heart condition. There is no more a sleep apnea problem than there was a psychiatric condition. I will try it for a month, maybe two. If I see no improvement, I will toss Darth Vader's lungbox back to them.

Later.

Oh, where is that rock?

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I know I just crawled out from under it, or was it taken away from me? Tired, to be sure. I didn't hear the alarm until 6:30. I did wake pretty quickly after the sound penetrated to my mind, it had been going off since 6:00. But I got up, got on the scale, took my meds, and then thought, "YOUCH! I am so very tired." It may have been just being out in the heat most of yesterday, tinkering on that darned uncooperative bike. Concentrating all day, pouring my efforts in on a project that truly kept me busy all day, mostly out in the heat, probably helped to wear me down. Oh, poor baby you say? Yeah, I know. You do that 5 to 7 days a week, then go out for your play time. I haven't been able to do that for decades or I would have, damn you. I could make a lot more money applying myself in fields that interest me.

Plus, I would be working on interesting things and meeting some of the dullest people you can think of. Not stupid, just not excitable. Precisely the people I like to work with. Then again, I think engineering types, and possibly some mathematicians, are quiet because they realize how stupid we and others are in a way, and how dangerous opinions can be to careers. We live in the U.S.S.A. now. Say nigger and you could get fired, have your career ruined, even be sued for harassment. It might even technically be dangerous to write in a post. Even more reason to not work with minorities or women, and it is worth looking for jobs were there are none. Then again, you still have to watch for the little 'state thought alarmists' who have crept into so many offices, minor places of power, into PR and HR departments of companies, government posts everywhere and always, and wherever else they may sneak in. A slip of the tongue, a bit of anger, believed in or not... *BAM* Your career is over, your hard earned degree becomes mere paper, toast. Have they bastardized Twain's/Clemens' writings yet?

I just want to crawl back under the covers. I just want to go back to bed. I really considered calling in and rescheduling, but... no. I will dig into my expressed persona, real or not, dig through the piggy bank of energy for the remnants, and push, pull, shove, trick, and anything else I can use to get myself through the motions. A cup of wonderful coffee might help, but it also might raise my pulse. A double breve, medium, with vanilla... iced. Maybe two! Or if I sort of make it at home, a doser per 2 ounces of water, milk (or whole cream if I had it), vanilla extract (real), and sugar, with ice. Oh, wait! It's not with the heart people... Oh, best get some water on, quick! No, too late for that. But I could pick one up on the way? No, expensive and... by then the need will have passed.

I hope to find a bike mechanic who can lead me in the right direction today. I would sure like to get on that bike. But... not without a front brake! On the flip side, that I could work on a project for a full day and more... super! Sustainable? It is an improvement, vast improvement.

Good fortunes with your day.

Dang it!

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An appointment snuck up. Thankfully they called. But, tomorrow, early, and I'm having trouble crashing. It's nearly midnight and I need to be up by 6:00. Yeah, I know, that's just a bit shy on sleep. But it assumes I can fall right to sleep and that I can wake up. I've been wrestling that darned bike all day. It really shouldn't be this hard. Perhaps the bike is broken? I will be stopping at a bike shop tomorrow, or several until I find someone with answers. I am tired but that does not mean I will sleep. This is for the CPAP machine. I think I have D.C.'s comment regarding that on my cellphone email still. I do believe they plan on offering an APAP, since they couldn't get, exactly, what they wanted from testing. Look, I'll examine their data, but I'm telling you, I probably don't need the device. Still, if they are a go with it, I'll try it. How long before I know whether the device is bunk or whether I really could use it?

While I am there, I will ask them to print out my upcoming appointments. And... I will try not to lose that list. Further, I will try to get my appointments put into my cell phone. I am really falling down. Is it really the blood pressure going back up a bit which is doing it? Is it the heat? My pulse is remaining low. I am thinking they want more water in me than what works well for high functioning. Water, high blood pressure... blood pressure, water... When one or both of those is up, regardless if one causes the other or they are independent, my all around function decreases. But if I lower those, my kidney function degrades, fairly quickly. *grump* I was doing so well. Now I am just... hanging on, mostly.

Well, on to bed. Good night, Mary Ellen.

Is it assembled yet?

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Nope. I thought it might take an hour, at worst two hours, to put the bike together. Nope. Actually, I have been doing quite well to be honest. Though there doesn't appear to be that much work, and really there isn't, just unpacking the thing, cutting off the protective pieces, taking off knob protectors, and getting through the double heavily stapled boxes (there were two) in the first place ate probably an hour by itself. No complaints about the packing mind you, the bike is in excellent shape. Further, each part of the project requires some reading, some adjusting, and a bit of assembly. I have everything but the tires inflated and the breaks adjusted.

With it being warm and working up to being hot, I worked for a good three hours, doing quite well really for my first bike, then I finally needed to cool off a bit. I had tinkered with the breaks just a bit but it wasn't going so well. I brought the fine print instructions in, to read while I chill. I love the various tools I recently purchase, they will be all I need to do almost anything to the bike. Anything a typical bike user could reasonably expect to be able to do, those tools will suffice. There is enough double coverage of items so that I can really zing, and they all fit the size of a huge and thick wallet and cell phone sized belt holsters or can be put in the pack or the saddle I bought for the bike.

Oh, pleased, to be sure. A little worried about the breaks though. The front break wire nut assembly is simply not grabbing the line, or... I'm not doing something right. I hope the instructions will give me something I am missing. I didn't have to assemble to 21 speeds, or chain. I am very happy with both my innate mechanical ability and the ease by which I grab tools and the right sizes almost naturally. If anything, I simply don't like to read instructions first. With good instructions, which they have been so far, I have had no problem. A little frustrated though, with the information that came with the bike. I have dozens of big easy-to-read pages, and several booklets actually, about safety, rules of the road, this and that, and then an extremely small instruction booklet about how to assemble the thing, actually just one page, 3/4 the size of a normal sheet, folded into quarters, with very small print. And they even added two quarters of those folds just for rules of the road and more safety instructions. Bah! I say we hang some lawyers! Tar and feather you say? All good. I'll... figure it out. At least I have the internet these days, for as long as that lasts, if the instructions aren't good. My guess is bike break assemblies are rather standard, at least for each type of break.

A bit of lunch, three frozen burritos, microwaved to as good as they get. Cheap and easy. They usually taste like cardboard and beef flavored lard, with beans, give or take. I've found some that are at least a bit better. And I found that adding cheese (real stuff, cheddar this time) after the first run through the microwave, and perhaps adding cayenne or other hot and herb stuff, really adds to the meal. I am liking little meals often. Easier to keep up with the dishes, I am sure, if I ever get caught up in the first place anyway.

Later.

Okay. Hmm.

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Oh, you are still there? Fine.

Remember, when reading here, a Jewish man created Superman shortly after the Holocausts of WWII. Damaged souls seek shelter in the impossible. Never mind my writing, should you not believe. (Or, believe whatever you wish.)

I went to bed earlier but also woke a bit later, sometime shortly after 8:00. I think I will try using the alarm clock to wake more around the 6:00 range. Then again, just because I crawl in bed at 22:00 doesn't mean I fall asleep at that time. Hmm, I'll keep working on that. I absolutely love waking early. I know winters will be difficult, with the change in dawn. But if I can hammer forge waking early now, perhaps it won't be so bad then.

I am still waking, at 10:00. Lots of reading this morning, though. News, blogs, other stuff... the birds of the net are back to chirping after a seemingly slow spring and early summer. Well, that and I am both reading more, better, more broadly. I can read. I have more sufficient interest in reading. All fair. All good.

I need to get up and going though. I want to get that bike put together before it gets too hot. I don't know if I will ride it right away. I really don't like the heat, not this kind of heat, not with the humidity such an issue. Not around noon. But perhaps later this afternoon, assuming I can wrangle parts, understanding, my temper, the tools, and simple and more complex along with new ways of thinking. This will be my first bicycle to assemble... possibly ever and certainly ever on my own. I decided to put it together both because I don't necessarily trust others and because I wanted to have an idea of how to do things should something break, I lose the chain, or... whatever. I am excited though!

I am figuring out how to keep my home cool. The west and south windows need to be opened about sunset, maybe an hour later. I don't bother with the upstairs windows ever, as there are many, they are too easily forgotten, and thought they might help it would only be 'a bit'. Somewhere between 9:00 and 13:00, the west windows have to be closed (before the sun crosses over enough to shine in for sure, and before the heat of the day begins to come in). The time varies according to how much heat remains through the night and a number of other factors. The south windows can stay open much later. They open to the back yard, shaded by trees and garage to a later time, and offer air flow to the rest of the house. Bit by bit I am learning the trim and jib of my home. Though I must admit, it is more art than science. But luck is a choice, for the most part.

Off to shower, shave, and build me some bike! Be wonderful. Love your neighbor. But you can pick on the jerk. It'll loosen me up for lovin' later. Meh... Get Out!

Hmm.

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The temp is reading right at 79. But it feels much hotter, to me. Maybe it's the 53% dewpoint or the 40% humidity, whichever you know. For whatever reason I feel like I am being barbequed. I have been unable to reach my friend by phone. This is the second or third time this has happened. When I dropped by, last time, it sounded like there was a kids birthday party upstairs, above him. That... could chase him right out of his apartment. He likes things quiet. While not good, in one way, if it gets him out that might help him, like it or not. So long as he has a cool place to go.

Walmart was great, about informing me the bike was in. They sent an email, but after I returned home yesterday. Then they called me today. I suspect the slowdown on the delivery isn't just the weight, but the bulk of the container. A 29" bike, only partially taken down, has to be fitted into space, and that is probably done by a computer anymore. So such an item has to wait until the computer decides a more economic fit will occur. Yeah, but I had to complain and go off on a tangent anyway. I will probably wait until it is a bit cooler to drive in. It seems they are open until 20:00, for that sort of pickup. I will probably aim for 16:00, when it cools just a bit, maybe. A shower, which I still haven't had, some dishes first though, then... who knows.

Have a good day.

Slipping.

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I have been doing extremely well. I haven't missed an appointment, without intention and usually calling in, for months? Many months? I think I have all of my bills tended. There might be one out there I need to wrangle, but... Most of them are exactly on track, up to date, and on time. My lawn has been tended and is being maintained. Laundry is caught up and kept up. Dishes... shut up. Most of my life, down to food and medicine is working like clockwork. But... I feel that sliding, slipping, loss of traction, confusion, and uncertainty about direction creeping in. That scares me as much as serious pain. More so, in a way, in that I often can't feel pain. With Pain, it's mostly the thought that counts.

I have appointments coming up. But, I've lost track. I need to call Monday and check on those. I have an appointment for Sam and Sassy coming up. I know when but I need to call and rearrange the Sassy part of it, putting that off until August or September, with money being just a wee worrying, birth-month bills coming up, and the visit from my mother to expense. There are other things, but... those are the immediate worries. And they have been on my mind for a bit, only coming to a head on... a Sunday? What can I do on a Sunday? I can only hope to remember on Monday. But I have known, I have just not been... tending my fears, worries, concerns. Have I been unable... or unwilling... or... what?

But more, it's a general feeling of loss of... control... will... strength or actionability of will? When I left my foster home, I did so for a number of reasons. One of the most potent was this same feeling. I had taken my grades from a 2.0ish in junior high to a 3.57 as a junior in high school (when grades actually, you know, were grades). I just missed AP classes, though I think it was as political and social as it was grades, or more. Between snobbishness and the liberal mindset of teachers even back then (always?), I didn't make the cut. While no longer liberal by that time, I was morphing between libertarian (before it was named) and conservative. I was certainly not a fit. I played football, basketball, and track, and successfully for my level (if not outstanding in anything). I was involved with advanced projects at school, as well, in spite of not being AP. But... it was slipping. I feared disappointing my foster parents more than I feared leaving. How was I to know my foster father would have a final heart attack a few months later. Life is too much sometimes. In any case, I ran and hid, I had... nothing with which to hold onto my successes. I had no words to express my horror, or even tell them what was happening.

I have had good times before, times of health, and reasoning, and being on schedule, as an adult. They have all slipped. No amount of grip or hold or push or pull could keep control. I think it is different this time. Maybe. At least I do believe I have far more tools available at this time, and experience. Whatever strength I lacked, whatever insights I didn't have, and certainly the experience of going through this, I may have more of those things this time. But more, I think what was holding me down, randomly, invisibly, mechanically... my heart... is being treated. But is it enough? Is anything enough against what is pulling me down? Am I still very crippled? Is the heart all of it? Oh I hate this feeling, this uncertainty. I will merely, to be honest, focus on my goals, try no harder or more lightly, and keep busy with those things I should, want, and need to do. Much like driving over a patch of ice, the best thing to do is to keep your wheels as they were (or maybe try to straighten them gingerly), don't accelerate or break, but don't freeze, yourself, as you may actually need to do the seemingly unwise in order to actually maintain control or do the right thing and steer into a swerve, keep the vehicle on the road, keep the wheels down. Yes, I am sweating. Literally when I realize how far I have climbed in the elevation of success, how steep the descent, how icy the road I travel.

Bah. I will make it. If not I will make it back up and climb higher. I am sure of it. It would just hurt on the way down. My ego, too, is fragile for all the armor and weapons I wear and maintain. Maybe that is WHY I carry such terrible things? :p A shower, grooming, and a call to see if my friend is around, and then a drive to pick up a bike and maybe check on a friend. Later.

It is Sunday.

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And a beautiful day it is. Well, I if I had any sense of beauty in any case. Being the slug that I am I just don't see it. The sun is shining, everything looks green, it is cool, there are trees and mountains in view. That will have to do and so it has been labeled by my philistine eyes as "beautiful". And it definitely is Sunday where I live. Oh, you say? It's not Sunday in other places? No, actually, it isn't Sunday everywhere. It depends on the longitude in which you live. In Adelaide, Australia and Vladivostok, Russia, it is Monday, for examples. I only explain in case you drank too deeply from the counter-Doom cup and forgot reality for a moment. You are welcome.

My bike is in! *dead Snoopy dance!* I will be into town to pick it up shortly. Is putting a bicycle together, or riding it, considered work? I mean, technically, without any doubt, in a physics manner (since items are definitely moved from one position to another), it has to be work. But it is not gainful employ, no money is exchanged, go goods or services are traded, the work is not completed in accordance with a legally binding agreement. Well, the bike is already paid. It merely is to be picked up. I am just considering the Sabbath, and to keep it holy. Just thinking. A bit more reading on that, but I think I am good? In reading about sins, that one is a serious one. I think it is fine though. Just thinking technical, raising questions, waking up, all combined into... well... this paragraph.

It being Sunday, as I wake and wonder, play and fiddle with notions and small things, I am going to have to bring my feet back down to earth. While I don't consider that last post yesterday truly silly, it is an artistic rendition of how I sort of see things. I say "artistic" as I won't call artistry what I often really think of most of it today, it being a Sunday and all. I know... how can you accuse yourself of using artistry AND have such a low opinion of the 'talent'? Ah, but how can you choose to be a Christian AND choose to sin? Oh? Really? Are you saying you don't sin or that you don't choose to sin? Careful here! Now, my friend, you know. Anyway. Planting my feet on the ground.

I think what I meant in that post was that I have ugly, powerful, surging, single-minded, impulses in me. Drives, if you will. I don't know, for certain, how different I am from others, in truth. Perhaps I was merely raised... much differently. Perhaps size and slightly elevated intelligence puts me in a different bracket, neither quite fitting in with the meek nerds nor the jocks. Moving may be the thing. Or perhaps there is an unusual 7th degree element. But I am different.

I have been disabled, so able to look at something I sensed as a child, with great care. I have had moments were I so wanted to just be normal. Some of my escapism may have been in an attempt to find normalcy, or even create it, an attempt to reject the label "different". I wanted to just be Joe six-pack. But I am not. As I have said before, this doesn't make me (necessarily, or more, fundamentally) better or worse, as a being, a man. Men shouldn't be able to drink a case of beer, a fifth of vodka, and a fifth of Yukon Jack, in eight hours, a few times a week for a year or more, not be an alcoholic, and not kill themselves or others. I didn't even bother to pass out. I would usually just go to bed and... wake feeling pretty good, usually. (No, long past. I was down to a few beers every other weeks tops until edema hit, haven't touched the stuff since. I think I wrote that recently, but thought it good to repeat.) I also shouldn't have been able to having my finger in the cooking oil, while frying a second batch of chicken, for 3 to 5 seconds, and not even had the skin turn red. Different indeed. I do bleed, I do die, but... Here I am. Less artistic, more... empirical?

Today is a day for God. To contemplate His wonders. To rest. For family. For friends. I just thought to take a moment to clarify any notions that I might be well and truly insane. I am. As is any man who has thought about everything and all then tried to make sense of it. Which, I am thinking, is exactly what God wanted. The only way to know sanity is to see the option, same with joy, pleasure, happiness, or the other good things left to us to discover. Without their counterparts we will surely never understand the good bits. Why, what would man be... without woe man? Women make the world happy there are men. And I suspect just the opposite as well, sometimes, but that's not my story to attempt to give veracity. *grins* Oh, fine, I sort of like em' too.

I never did get my friend to answer his phone. I went by his house but his bike was gone. Too bad, I had enough food for two with me. Which is fine, I was hungry. I probably ate a bit much yesterday. It... happens. I did a bit of laundry and some dishes yesterday. Then I stayed up way late! I was up until... midnight! And I slept in way late! Waking at about 8:15! But it seems to work out well. I got the right amount of sleep, and it was a Saturday after all. So long as I readjust back to, say, 22:00 as a bedtime tonight or tomorrow. I just wanted to 'walk the dog' a bit.

Have a great Sunday. Remember God. He does remember you, down to the number of hairs on your head. The rest of us, love you or not, some days, are doing good to remember your face and bad habits. Just... sayin'.

Why a monster?

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I have always seen myself as a monster, I suppose. My heart is not evil, I do not wish to do others harm, I am simply different. More capable? Stronger, faster, more resilient? Something. I once wondered if the difference wasn't merely that I was in many fights. Perhaps being forced to fight changed my perspective, strengthened or bolstered me. At one time I gave credence to the notion that I had a mental illness. I have even pondered demonic possession. All seem foolish but had to be investigated, to my way of thinking.

I decided my differences, whatever they truly are, are not: Due to fighting. I suspect the fighting was due to my differences. I simply would not abide being put in the machine like a cog. I would neither kneel nor obey peer pressure or the pecking order. Period. And I had the power of mind and body to stay outside of that.; Due to mental illness. While mental illness can happen in youth, would it really last most of a life, change radically, and... go from enhancing to disabling? Maybe. But the medicine did nothing, save to limit me further than what was truly disabling me (now I learn probably heart problems).; Due to demonic possession. While many people believe that an exorcism is a powerful rite, the truth is, both a Sacrament of Reconciliation and definitely the Sacrament of the Eucharist are both far more potent. I have been through both of those and did so of my own free will. Not possible with demonic possession. That leaves me with other options, some I have discussed here before. I have no tests for these, at present.

Perhaps these things are not possible while having a heart condition though? Mmm, yes. Anything with flesh will eventually die, until that flesh is perfected, and it must die of something. While it is said that some may be perfected without dieing, that is an act of God, not a normal occurrence. Further, perfected souls and the flesh they are renewed with do not remain here. As well, that my heart condition hasn't killed me is a minor miracle, that I have died three times and come back, that I have survived seven other things that most people don't survive... these lead me to surety that I am different.

It isn't just in innate physical or mental abilities. It is in my eyes. Or more, how I see the world, men, even God. Sometimes, I swear, I can see it 'ALL'. I simply cannot contain it or... understand it... use it. Much like if you were presented with absolute truth, you would turn away (or perish). We are not ready, perhaps not even able to receive those gifts at this time. And, as I said, I see monsters from fiction in a terribly different light. As a child, Frankenstein was someone I cherished. Innocent, at first, confused, powerful, vengeful, ugly, and yet to me quite special, handsome even (as men go, mind you). Dracula, the werewolf (even the bad versions), and on it went. It didn't stop with totally fictional fiction monsters. Dr. Hannibal Lecter and Professor Moriarty come easily to mind, and there were others. Oddly, this flow does not follow into real life nor was it all fictional monsters, some crossed some... line in the san... ity. Stalin, Gacy, Bundy, and the rest of the rogues gallery of real monsters are all despised, enemies of heart and mind.

Let me ask you this, do you see "handsome" in these next photos? I do. I do. I... I see a little of what lives inside, too. Is it just how I was made, as with this one? I honestly don't know.

Just... sayin'.

Wellll?

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I am not going to the SoRec today. I have the time, I am in shape, I just haven't covered some things as well as I would like and I would like to study my cliff notes, and the source for those, a bit more. Well, yes, it frightens me, always does. But that isn't the reason for the delay. I honestly want to get some things down. This is real stuff, and heady. And I have never before been in the condition that I am in, so I think I might not only be able to get it down but also have it down next time I go, and make it a permanent part of what I do. Much like weight lifting, if you don't get the basic form down to begin with there are problems later on.

I am sort of realizing, no matter how bad I might feel about being a hard nose, or not fully comprehending who I am, or having a braggadocious nature... as I grow stronger and fill my life and extend who I am further into other peoples lives... those are just flaws that truly are a part of who I am. A rascal or a bastard, you decide and deal with it, I think. I can't really change that. The shame I go through is just... a limiter? a price? I yam what a yam! With or without marshmallows. Oh, and my horrible puns are probably a permanent thing too.

Still waiting on that bike. I think it won't be "here" until Monday, probably, at this point. Frustrating because it has probably been here since nearly mid-day yesterday. And it was at the last place for three days, give or take. Oh well. I may just go in and see my friend. Hmm, perhaps some food from the smoke house restaurant though, too. No, not much else. A relaxing Saturday seemed the thing. Dishes would be nice, but... yeah. No. I may wear the weight vest when I get back, for a couple hours, just to say I did something.

Have a good day.

Paranoid much?

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After writing that last bit about the bike, a complaint and forget, I went about my day. A bit more laundry, a shower, medicine, cliff notes for confession, and other trivial affairs. Hoping for the bike to be in, I looked online. Oh, I would have known as they would have sent an email, probably. Perhaps the email is the last thing they do so I called in after checking online.

When I asked for the appropriate department, and as is the case with busy departments waited a little bit, somebody picked up the phone and we started in. I merely suggested I was checking whether an item had arrived. Actually I have three items there, waiting. I meant to clarify but thought of it too late, the connection went quiet as she checked. I was sure she was going to come back, as would be logical knowing only what she did, that yes indeed, and there are three items in. When she came back, inexplicably, she said, "No, ...myfirstname..., it is not in".

Now, what just happened there. Perhaps, of course, she knew I was talking about the bike. That would require me to believe that she would have looked over all the items, those in and already delivered, those currently in but not picked up, and the bike which has not yet arrived, and understood I was talking only about the bike. And of course, she would probably, first, have seen the items that are in. That is a lot of... given, or hope, or... something. The simplest conclusion is that someone does searches for the company name and I have... been nominated. Oh Lord? What have I done this time? Meh, God hasn't killed me (yet), I should just not even worry about it.

I even have my blog set to not populate on internet searches. Then again, I suppose, like governments, big companies probably have work-arounds for search limits. This could get ugly. But I'm used to ugly and I am still larfing. Indeedy and boy-howdy. That smirk will be on my face when they bury me. It will haunt both people there, my mom and the priest (only because he is sort of required to be there). Hmm, might bug the mortician, who try as he might just can't get that thing off. Fine, I am a story teller. But it might really come true!

*smirk*

I've been here before...

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I just didn't know what to do and my health wouldn't sustain it. I mean, I have gotten up early, gone to bed early, and been fruitful to within my capacity and had begun expanding the capacity. There are a lot of problems at this point. One of the first is having so much more time than functional capacity. So, staying awake becomes a side issue, which jeopardizes the schedule itself. I need to find relaxing filler, I need to make sure I am using what of my energy I can (but sustainably over longer periods of time), and I need to really know when I can and need to nap and when I really can't do so. Of course, some of these things require practice, intelligence, AND wisdom. The first two attributes are needed to know what really does and doesn't work, the last is needed in order to stick to what I gained using the first two.

Life is different now, but nothing changes overnight, or perfectly, and I don't know how many of my limits might have been lifted. They were real limits that rage and brute force, clever design, all the wisdom I could bring to the fore could not break. I just don't want to be too disappointed with what of those remains. I have been sleeping my preferred routine for the last three or four days. It has been wonderful. But as I said, I have been here before, many times. I've got to switch up from what I have tried in the past, to keep this going. I need to find some substance of life, something external I think. A little job requiring a few hours a day would be good but it is... problematic. Volunteering? Maybe. Let me... look around. I have to... take some risks here. I have to. The problem, at the moment, is money. A job might put my income at risk and volunteering anywhere but walking distance would cost more in gasoline than what I can afford at the moment, and at least until my mother returns home probably.

Already fully awake and so much day left! Let me... get to thinking. I'll do a few chores while I am at it. Good day.

That was a long nap.

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A fine sleep, early to bed, around 19:00 and change. Quick to sleep. I may have wounded myself on the way in, crashing so hard one of those pillows clocked my lights out. I will be checking for proof and considering a lawsuit against the pillow manufacturer. Or as the Red Queen said... "Off with their heads"!

First thing this morning I started calibrating the day, goals, and such. Oh, to be sure, it was as organized as attempting a sprint from the "throne", forgetting your shorts and pants are still around your ankles. At least no other analogies were in that vein. The exercise had ample room for improvement from the beginning and it was easily improved at that. Saturday! Ah, okies, now that I had the day and the time... what was I thinking to do for today or even didn't quite get done yesterday? Well, mowing. Oh, but... I did forget something yesterday whole cloth. I forgot to find out about the Sacrament of Reconciliation and Mass times. I had thought SoRec. was held between 8:00 and 8:30, but I think that was my last Church. They have the SoRec. in the afternoon here (which, yeah, now I remember from the last time I checked). In any case, at least I don't have to rush and I can look a few things up and ponder my sins a bit more than what I already have been. Woot! (sort of... it's a... Catholic thing... ?)

I don't like the notion of mowing too early. By 10:00 to 10:30, or as soon after as I realize the time, I like to get to it. Mowing an half hour with a half hour rest puts me near noon, at which time it is too hot to mow. Fie, of course I take it easy. Heat is not my thing, nor is mowing. And I think mowing a bit a day is a heck of a lot better than holding off until I can mow it all at once (and never getting to it or ending up with a huge mess to deal with all over again). Of course, the truth is I realize I may have physical limits, both those of old and the new ones, or at least the understanding that my heart is truly limited and I am out of shape on top of it. And realizing pushing all at once is no better than binge drinking for my health, even if I could force it. With added mental clarity, I also see that while a goal is to mow the yard all at once, the best way to get to that goal is to mow in quarters or thirds for now, working up to it. My stories do have fabric under them, if I do not always care to reveal it.

I have not been notified that my bike is in. It has to have been here for at least 24 hours. I am not really pleased with Walmart, this time, on this product. They seem to be taking their ever loving time with the bicycle. It was at it's last place for 2 days or so as well. The rest of the items were fast. Shipping, handling, relaying the information. Zip, zing, done. But this bike, you would think it was made of solid Martian gold, hand built by ghosts... or something bizarre like that. Could it be the weight of the thing (mild as it really is, but) and perhaps Walmart has way too many women in it's employ? I wonder. I suppose companies hire women for jobs they shouldn't have because they are much less aggressive about wages (few have to feed a whole family, or even would consider it (at least without food stamps, FICA, HUD, etc.)), and because women are much easier to... control. Well, toss in nearly a linear bell curve and you have workers smart enough to do what they are told, but not really leaning into the area where they are smart enough to do what they shouldn't (without getting caught). Oh, and the low aggression quotient makes for easy handling. Decay. I hope to heck Walmart doesn't unionize. It would be their final end.

Fine, so I woke in a bit of a snit. Well, not a snit so much as a mood. Their is a difference but I doubt if your mind could understand the nuances. *grins* The world lightenings and thunders, but you never hear anybody... well, they do complain about that sometimes too I guess. Fine, complain if you will. My thunder will not stop until that potential energy is used or dissipated in other ways, lightening will flash, and a little rain may fall, regardless of your complaints. If you have serious complaints, you may go to my secretary, Hellen, Ms. Wait actually. She is on the fourth floor of my home. Those with complaints are directed to walk to the back of my home, near the elevator doors, whereby they my go to directly to Hellen Wait.

A mood indeed.

Well, I really ought to begin doing something... more constructive. Good day.

Chugging along.

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The laundry is half finished, dishes are... well I did one load, it got hot so I thought I would finish the mowing when it cooled but a thunderstorm is here so we will see, I did call my friend, and I did contact the insurance company and things are moving there. I also took the rest of my coats, ones that were in the back of my main closet, in to join the rest of my coats which had been littering the little couch in the living room. And tinkering has been happening everywhere. I've still had time for games and reading. Oh, and I may have found an online source for bible studies. Ah, and I checked on my bike. It is in transport to the store, as of 11:00 this morning. I think I even called my mom? Bah, memory gets a little fuzzy at times. It seems really hot today, which doesn't help. And I have been busy. I am getting tired. A nap, perhaps?

Hmm, a bit of a cool-down and some more dishes, if I can hide from the nap monster. Good day.

Moving at the speed of a glacial meteor?

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Half of my list is completed, or has been attempted, and more. I could not reach my friend either time I called. One load of laundry has been washed, a second is being washed, the dishes have been refreshed in their soaks, and I am resting after mowing the front part of the lawn. And more, I have set some things to be sorted, today. Putting the containers on my bed so I don't let it slip. As well, my coats have been hung in their permanent place, on heavier hangers. A few boxes have been sorted, the papers and packing material in them discarded, and they have been placed with the other boxes I need to have ready to break down and dispose on the next garbage day. I policed a few specific items from the living room and computer room. And I set up a couple of little trash receptacles near where I generally live, work, play.

I have much to do, even so. Just getting to a place to stop, for a bit, will take another week I suspect. While I am catching up it is taking so very long. But when I stop and look, or go to find something and know where it is, or pick up after a couple of days down, I am amazed to see things coming together in a truly functional, sanitary, sane, reasoned way. It feels like someone else is doing all this, but I actually remember having done the work, sorting, storing. Having the two different notions, one of reality one of perception and contrary to each other, can be confusing. I am simply not used to being what I always thought I could be, a reasoned reasoning working functioning adult. So slow yet so fast.

I did find and read several articles regarding shifting gears on a 21-speed bicycle. Those things give me a place to start. It looks like it will take practice, then learning my specific gears that fit me and my style. While not as steep a learning curve as learning to play a piano, it does seem like it might take some serious practice. Perhaps that is an illusion, a notion gained merely from reading more into it through volume of the written word than what those words imply. At least I have a relatively flat place to learn, with hills not all that far away when I get to that point. I am not truly interested in cross-country biking, nor in mountain biking at all. Pedaling around town, maybe as far as the dam, that should be enough. Or, as I see things now.

I have been looking for a daily bible study program. I simply don't have money to buy a system, so I am looking for something free, online, at the moment. Being Catholic, and more Papist, I am looking for something that follows the traditions of the Magisterium. For one thing, protestant bibles do not even have the full Catholic bible. As well, many "Catholic" teachings are highly flawed or outright heretical. Why it has to be so complicated, I don't know. But it is. I keep looking.

I am surprised at how many things I have done, how many things I keep in the juggling line-up, and how many things I keep adding. Oh, no, I'm not simply adding things for the sake of doing more. Simply put, I went from literally eating once a day, doing dishes once a week, doing laundry every other week, and that was about it; to taking care of what needs to be taken care of as an involved human, without a wife, with a house, car, cats, yard, and with a more active life. I even wear pajamas or shorts and a t-shirt all of time now, at least when I am not fully properly dressed. So... many things have changed. I am still not up to what a typical person usually does on a typical day, as they stay on top of things, especially when you add in 8 to 10 hours of actual work, an hour and a half commute time, at four to six days a week. And, the work I do no longer causes me longer term pain.

Pleased, bruised, changing, evolving, growing stronger, humbled, but... good, too. Very good. A few more chores and then... I don't know?!? What will I do when I get caught up!?! Ah, the bike should be in by then, assembled tweaked, perhaps the weight bench will be together. Even my stamina is growing, slowly, definitely. Thinking and memory improve a bit at a time as well. That will work. That will all do nicely. Maybe it is just a summer thing, or a temporary thing, but I will enjoy it as much as I can, use what I can, get as far ahead as I can, and maybe give up on being just... a story.

My friend just called me back. One more thing completed. I'll drop in and see him when my bike arrives today or tomorrow. Have a great day.

Still a bit bruised.

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My thoughts of late, while not pleasing, need to be dealt with. My ego is all that is being bruised but that still hurts. It will hurt more, too. It is still bigger than it should be. Like my heart, years of neglect have allowed the thing to enlarge. Some ego is needed, healthy, useful. Mine needs to go for hikes, bike rides, swimming, and begin working out with me. It needs to both lose flab and tighten up, trim the bad enhance the good. Along with my mind, spirit, and soul. Or something like that.

I still find myself commenting beyond reason or polite allowances or in shallow ways. I suppose bad habits are going to be difficult to alter. At least I can sense shame now. I am not sure how to begin. Being able to see some of this more clearly might be the first step. Admitting I have no control? Do I really need a twelve step system? Perhaps I ought to avail myself of the notion and test. I don't think that is the whole of it though. Unlike an addiction I also have to enhance what is good, not just stop what is bad. Should I do this more privately? Is that part of the cure?

This is a scary stage in recovery. It could become overwhelming. It would be easy to retreat from the truth. I am alone here and I have to be. There are times in a man's life when no one can help him. This is one of them. The thing is so big though. It encompasses every aspect of my life and leaves me questioning down to what I thought, even in my own mind, was true about the world and myself. Is it just what I write, or how I write it that is wrong? Or is it right down to what I believe? If so, how wrong and what is wrong, exactly?

Watching television, reading other people, and watching how people live, though, I see I am a man of my times. From blogging to Facebook to Twitter, even public unions which give power to teachers they really shouldn't have, to academics which has gained political input it shouldn't have. My real difference is that I am on the wrong side of the political debate. I am on the side that has already lost and probably hasn't fundamentally been a structural form for a hundred years or more, if it ever really existed. If there is anything good about it, if my assessments are correct (and I can't be sure of my assessments but they are what I have), I am not in the herd. I think? Or, is that bad?

I honestly don't know how to begin. I really thought about ending this blog. And, in time, I may yet do so. Is writing all of this incorrect and just another sign of an inflated ego in an egocentric world? Is this blog another sign of the times? Or is it functional to me and possibly worth maintaining for others? Until I understand more about what I do believe is right or wrong, until I have better footing in where I want to go and do and what I should do, I will maintain this blog and do other things I usually do. I am skating on ice here, fast or extreme changes are dicey at best. But I need to stop commenting except in keeping social connections, offering support, or just being amazed at some of you, writers and workers of small miracles. I do so enjoy the richness some of you bring to my life. But pithy, yes, short and sweet. Avoiding hollow, extreme, extravagant in my comments.

I am hoping the bike comes in today. I am all but climbing the walls waiting for the bike. I have only ridden once, recently, while staying with the folks in Logan. Before that it was probably... 30 years since I rode a bike regularly. No, even more, 35 years? Probably 35 years since I rode a bike. I know I am going to have some spills. Maybe right in the beginning, unless I am really careful. Perhaps not until later, when I learn to really utilize the bike to it's full power.

That reminds me, I need to read up on figuring out gearing. As a child I never did get that down. I have heard that the notion is to gear the bike so as to produce a 1 to 1 ratio, but I am not sure what that actually means (if I have some mechanically inclined notions, if I actually have such skills(?)). I will... read. Then again, I will try and figure other things out too. If riding speed or ease is the goal, that would be the 1 to 1 (maybe, for example). But what if I wanted to work a little harder? Oh, I'll... figure it out. Though I could just experiment until something works, more or less, that would take time and it might never quite be optimal. Then again, I can't say optimal is always and only my goal. But... It would be nice to know what optimal, for a number of various goals, is. Then choose whether that is what I want or not. Why do I have to be so difficult? Sometimes even I agree with the doctors, if I can't do much about my stubborn notions and curiosity and natural tendency to be different. Or is that just another part of having an inflated ego or more a part of the flaws and weakness and perhaps even strengths that merely mark my individual reality?

The last three days have been the beginnings of a potentially wonderful life, angst and all. While the last two months have been good, these last few days have been a form of pinnacle (though probably more temporary, for now, than the last two months combined). I have been sleeping well and early and waking rightly and early. I have been tending my medicines (I did get medicine boxes), taking care of my non-vital medical issues (the warts, ears, and now using eye drops as was recommended, picking that up after finding out they hadn't been sent and weren't even ordered as I had been told), weighing myself and taking my blood pressure every morning, then having a small breakfast. Reading blogs, news, and adding weather into the lineup. I am thinking to add reading bible passages in with a minor study period, though I am not sure where to start with that. That last will add to my more frequent prayers nicely. I'll do research on that while I research biking. I bought a 21-speed bike, I guess I didn't realize mountain bikes were ever more than 3-speed until I found the right sized bike at the right price and... learned something new.

Oh, and today, I will mow the front and half of the side lawn. I will finish those haunting dishes. I will do some laundry. I will call my friend. And I will check on the insurance claim and tickets for my mother. Last year I was able to get a direct-flight for her. This year a direct-flight, one way, costs three times a single-stop flight and as much as last year's round-trip direct-flight! I am hoping to find a direct-flight for a reasonable price in the next weeks or month. Anyway, on to some more waking up. I am certainly not going to try to 'make friends' by mowing at 7:45. Another hour or two will be just fine. But I can get some of those other things crossed off my list. Oh, on the 'maybe' side. I would like to set up my weight station and perhaps get some of the construction material out to the coop, checking for wasps after transporting that first load.

You have a great day. Do what you can. Take care of yourself. Enjoy your little or big life. It is a beautiful day to be alive. If you can't see it, find out how to see it. Please.

Oh well.

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I did get in on time, just barely, to get my haircut. And I am shaping it like I suggested. I am too old for it, and probably should be more intelligent or mature. Still, I will give it a whirl, if I like it I will keep it a while. If nothing else, understand I was too sick at the age I should have been doing some of this stuff to go forward with my notions. I just wanted to sleep. I could never quite get it going. So I might end up looking like a goofball for a year or three, oh well. Plus, if the haircut activates me, pushes me on, helps me remember why I am pushing, that is good too. So be it.

I could not reach my friend by phone. I called three different times. My bike was not in and I was not interested in merely... floating around town. I did stop at a local sportsmen's store to ask about topo-maps. They suggested the lower floor of the university library. They didn't say how much, but they did say the service allowed the buyer to choose the map area, and within reason for the given sizes to choose the scale. Fully custom maps, or, if I heard correctly. Further, for a dollar more, from what I was told, you can have them printed on waterproof paper. That works. Of course I need to find the books which list the trail heads, use a standard map to figure out where those are, and then decide just how small or large of a size and scale I will really need. The library assistants might be able to help me in that but I don't want to walk in empty handed and say, "Feed me!". Even though this area isn't all that big, it is amazing how much space is needed to get a very small chunk of it well mapped, down to trails, roads, and other needed/wanted detail. The one thing about Iowa, for good or bad... you usually just needed a blank piece of paper with arrows on it, mostly. I'll take the mountains, even so.

I keep digging up dirt on myself. My chatting, and probably writing, are the focus now. Not just the form, but the function too, are problems. Too much, too fast, too greedy, no way to stop. But, even this makes sense, I think. No need to overpay an undereducated indoctrinated shrink who would probably get it wrong in any case. For years I have been using computer games as a means of staying awake. The more... challenge, thrill, feedback to input rate at the highest possible input rate, the better. I needed the equivalent of digital adrenaline. That spilled into my communication network. I chat, like I might mentally jump rope. I can easily snare people, bring them in, hook them. Most people usually have shields from such an onslaught. But when and where they meet me they simply have no cover, no defenses.

Further, I realize my communications are empty. Even when I spend weeks talking about me... In the end I have said nothing. Perhaps the same is true of every topic I discuss. When I hammer on doctors, I'm not even actually saying I hate doctors. I am merely saying I don't trust medicine and I am angry at being in my situation. What is more, back to me and... not. I am not sure if I even know who I am. I haven't actually been anybody for so long that I may not even really exist, in a way. Do I even have a personality that is clearly defined as me, how do I find it if it is in there, what does it mean and can I salvage it? And I can't remember who I was, if I ever grew up enough to have become someone. I just remember existing. I was exhausted even when younger, the world of my youth simply wasn't as challenging, so my health issues didn't disable then, mostly, perhaps. Or maybe I wasn't as ill. I simply don't know. But I'm not just a nobody, literally. I never was anybody, maybe. How do I fix that?

I have... problems. I don't have the answers. I am becoming real but I don't have a clue what to do with it. I suppose I need to get involved with the Church, I need to become physically active, I need to start figuring out my life, I may have to consider school, and I will have to take each thing one step at a time. I am mortified and excited. I am still limping but my direction and pace are better than ever. And yet I honestly could simply not wake up tomorrow. At least I know that fairness is not a part of life, not of simple life in the flesh. If nothing else, that should indicate to people that this can't be all, it can't be the end of the story. There is no way to even the balance sheets of justice, here and now, without causing even more harm and thus a greater imbalance. Stalin was a terra firma justice seeker. He got lost in the horror and gore. He sent others to do his dirty work and then had them killed in a bid to forget, forgetting himself what it was ever even about, frozen by the horror and terror he had created in the name of justice, until he piled corpses so high he though he might reach heaven. Even he had to know, finally, what he had done. Instead of changing he joined Satan in his pride.

Ah, see, there I go again. Anyway, I guess when you are ready, God gives it to you with both barrels. Maybe that is a good thing, maybe it means I am ready or nearing being ready? Or is it a token booby prize for having made it this far and about to lose the fleshly part of the game? *smile* I don't mind. Later.

It could happen. And other news.

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Okay, I simply liked this story. The little rascals are tough.



This gives you an idea of the rain and snow we have had this year. Do a little digging into how big Lake Powell is for it to make some sense... or less sense.
ksl.com - Lake Powell water level rises 1 foot each day

Here are a couple of things going on regarding veterans in Utah. Honestly, just for my part, I am not sure about participating. What is given as a gift can quickly turn into a chain or other negative device. Even with good intent, I fear too much... help? Yes. Then again, in my view, I should have simply been... never mind. I mean I do not believe I deserve what I get, even if I complain about it. Go figure. Here they are. ksl.com - New driver license honoring vets could diffuse tense situations and ksl.com - Salt Lake court program aiding veterans The first one makes me nervous, being known as a veteran can be good or bad. The last one has me worried. Special treatment might work, it also might create "pigs" of those given special treatment or resentment about it. I'm a worry wort, I guess. And I like things even steven, if some allowances are fair compensation for such high risk and low pay (and some extreme prejudice back home, especially on some campuses and in certain professions, including academics, medicine, the artistic community, and possibly among lawyers and by the rest of the legal system, top to bottom, in certain places (cities to be sure)).

And the final thing is about illegal immigration. Utah, among conservatives (or at least Republicans) who pretty much own the state, are split on what to do regarding immigration. But the feds are less than helpful. This is just a story that, while I understand, I don't. I know something is going on at higher levels. Perhaps they favor some other holding station politically, perhaps they are looking for areas to catch and release and by moving detainees around it is easier to release without notice. I simply am not sure, but... ksl.com - Removal of ICE detainees from Weber County leaves deputies scratching their heads

Hmm, finally got around to figuring out embedding! Neat. Took me oh, three or four... minutes. *sigh* I just... couldn't... do... it... Until I got better and it finally made the list and then I got to it. I have done videos before, painfully. I didn't even know news articles could be brought in. I think embedding covers my liability to the source? So much to learn! If I continue to do just this well I will even remember how to do this next week. Life is truly looking to become amazing. So much out there to nibble and figure, learn and improve, add in or count on. Little bites, small steps, not too much hope at once, either. I can't let a major relapse crush me. I am over 9 lives... 10, last I counted, and what I know about.

How easy was that!

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That little bit of grass was both smaller and easier throughout than what I had feared. I realize fear had tied me into knots, along with the occasional power outages and appointments, it kept me from finishing. No more, for now. Beyond that, I then lowered the mower to about a medium height and mowed the two areas beside the driveway. I might go out and do the rest of the front lawn today. But then I need to get ready for my haircut and visit with my friend. I need to cool down and rest, then shower (again today), so I'm not a sagging heap of mansweat when I see her. I sometimes shock here, when we speak. Oh, sometimes I know precisely what I am doing. Other times I had no clue her sensitivities where that sensitive. I don't really care, from what I can tell she couldn't be the one. Even if she was I wouldn't approach her one iota differently. Fun to flirt though. She does have the scissors but... and? Women have no balls. Bet on it. If you lose, so what anyway. At least you didn't end up marrying her. If you did, a quick trip to the death ditch might be worth it. Ha!

It is staying cool. Clouds came in. The thing is it might end up raining. I am hoping I can do some more mowing, but I really need a good half hour rest. Some iced Gatorade might help too. While simple mowing is quite easy compared to weed mowing it still takes a bit of juice. I could have sworn I ordered a self-propelled mower. I think the world sees a confused cripple coming and just absolutely blindsides him. I didn't get the mower for several months after ordering it. It took another month or two to finally get it going. In that time I lost track. For all I know they charged me the extra for that feature and simply replaced it with this one. Perhaps they did adjust the price, who knows. *grumble* I'll have to look back, see what I posted, if I can... remember... maybe I could track things down. But that was nearly a year ago.

Gatorade! Then more mowing. The a trip. I checked on my bike. It is supposed to have arrived at a shipping depot in west SLC last night or this morning, so... it should be here soon. I still have to put it together, adjust breaks and who knows what else. But I am getting excited. I will stay in town as long as I can, and check to see if it is in, before returning tonight. That leaves only dishes and finishing the sorting of clothes and such, of which I am in the middle. Being that dishes have been on the queue the longest, I will obviously start right in


on the sorting. Piss off, my call, I HATE doing dishes. Sorry, sorry.

Well, have a great day!

Up early.

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I did not mow last night. By the time it had cooled, to my way of thinking, it was simply too dark. Being up this early, again, gives me a chance to get out there before it gets too hot. I am thinking of trying pull the cord and beginning the process in an hour and change. By 9:00 I shouldn't be too much of a pest to late sleepers if there are any hereabouts and it should still be cool. A haircut this afternoon, a call to check on my bike a little after 8:00, checking on a ticket for my mother to visit, and checking in on my friend while in town as well.

While I am doing well, and as I am coming up, I keep running into things. When feeling really well I am prone to be cavalier, rude, injudicious, and many other things. Thankfully, at least, I am not dangerous to others or myself or anything more serious than casting aspersions, acting clownish, and hurting feelings. Most of which I think there ought to be more of, in any case, if I am not sure it is my place or that I am the wisest source of those things, if there is such a thing as a wise source of that. Maybe those things can only come from people such as me, or people in my situation however temporary or long, because tamed, civil, "educated" people are too cowed into cogs to dare step over any of the lines which need to be trampled into the dust. Rationalizing? True? I don't know.

There are other things I face as I begin to do better. Things that potentially allowed me to sink before, or... maybe not. Of course, some of my rising and sinking probably has as much to do with various health issues, perhaps everything to do with simple (if complicated to treat) physical ailments, as I have long suspected. My heart, I am suspecting, has something to do with it much of it. Diabetes seems, impossibly I am gathering from doctors in spite of the information in front of their faces, to come and go. What else is going wrong from time to time that hasn't been caught yet? Kidneys, and even my liver, have triggered alarms off and on in the doctors offices for decades. Things seen once then gone the next few times have always been chalked up to bad tests. Should every third or fifth test be bad, really? Anyway, but there are other things that happen, on my side when better. Things I am trying to avoid this time. If there is anything I can honestly do to make sure I continue to improve, I am seeking to do it.

Then again I haven't been this good for this long in decades. Ritalin offered this level of function, more actually. But the side effects distorted things. I am in uncharted territory. But now that I no longer believe I am bipolar I am starting to look for the real causes and to take responsibility for my actions and reactions. Perhaps my highs are a natural reaction to not being sick? If so, I will have to learn to harness and moderate my feelings and/or the energy available. Perhaps my ill mannered behaviors are a natural result of dealing with many pent up frustrations and such from being too weak and vulnerable to give those things a voice most people naturally give complaints, griefs, wrongs, and such, and for so long a deprivation? Given time, like a teenager learning to control themselves, I will learn too. One hopes I will learn much more quickly but nothing is guaranteed. Perhaps I can catch up enough to settle down and then back into society to some reasonable degree. There is that hope.

Hey, what did you expect from prayer? I thought I might find answers. And I suppose I am. Probably more quickly than I thought, but not written on stone tablets either. But answers, true ones, are only as good as one's ability and willingness to act on them. And after those questions are asked and answered and then handled as well as you can, you move on to the next level. I will continue to pray for these concerns. There is much I don't know and there is much I need to do and it is happening so quickly. Then again, how does a healing mudslide, moving at an inch an hour, seem like a tidal wave, all at once? Prayer, yes indeed.

Enjoy your life, and your day. Set your worries down if for a few moments should they be clouding your visions, and figure out what you need to do and what you can do, pick something, and then do it. I have faith, if you do this, you will find success and perhaps figure out a solution to some of your worries while otherwise occupied, somehow. Blessings.

A stolen meme, twisted in my odd way.

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A thought occurred after reading one of my usual blogs. But then I realized even I am tired of me. So, I decided to change it up a bit. How about twenty things I believe are worth loving? I am still involved, I just can't seem to get away from me. Oh, and trust me, I wish I could. Anyway, on with the program. (My use of both the period "." and the parenthesis ")", together, seemed to irritate mathematicians, science professors, and English types (at least those who graded or commented on my material). But I like it that way, so...)

1.) God. From the Trinity come all the gifts and the world in which to apply them. From food, to dance, to love, to the sun light, dawn and dusk, mountains and streams, all things, including Grace, flow from God.

2.) Family. These people who gave us life, a bit of their own, and no small fee and cost beyond that and beyond money. I have broken their hearts and minds at times. But those special few remain. A special gift from God to show us, if we have the eyes to see and the ears to hear, what love is before we can know more from reading and learning ourselves.

3.) Friends. These are our next step in learning about love and extending that special grace to others, beyond our families. Though these people come and go, some staying longer, some only known for seeming moments. Some of these people, though long gone from my life, still touch me and move me to kindness and other virtues to this day.

4.) People. All people really deserve our love. Oh, sure, there are those we can't abide, and perhaps truly shouldn't. But neither should we lose hope for them. A deathbed conversion is always possible. There is not always a chance for them, at least in my understanding. Christ suggested He came to save many or most, not all. But we cannot know who has no hope. Beyond, the majority of people seek to do good. Many, perhaps most, are misguided. If you have the way, lend the guidance, you will know how if you are true and see the opportunity. Let the Holy Spirit guide you.

5.) Pets, and actually stock animals. From companionship which feeds the soul; to food which sustains the "temple" that is us; to hunting companions and lead dogs for the blind, God saw fit to allow animals to fill the void between man and beast in some truly special ways.

6.) The foods we have to consume. There is an amazing array of foods. Fruits, vegetables, fungii, and my favorite... meat. We can eat so many things, the variety is truly astonishing. The way we can mix herbs, spices, and these other things into veritable feasts or eat a humble simple mix of a few items and still be fed is both artistic or mundane, with no insult to the mundane.

7.) Water, the bringer of life, after God of course. And the bringer of life in more than one way, through baptism. Refreshing and sweet on a hot day to man, beast and plant. A shaper of the world, paring mountains, hollowing craters a mile deep, or shifting the beaches as it pleases. God's own autonomous earth artist.

8.) Expressions. I love that people can show their feelings. Even some animals can exhibit nearly human emotions in their own way. This allows even babies to express themselves, a thing of beauty, an amazing thing. Sometimes all the words in the dictionary can't say what a single powerful expression says.

9.) Words. But not just words, the whole library of communications. I suppose this includes expressions, but I thought they are unique enough to deserve their own place. We communicate, as much as 70% or more, non-verbally. What a thing. I must speak absolute volumes because I never shut up. So if I never shut up and that is only 30% of my communication, I truly must be a constant vibration of information? Never you mind.

10.) Work. I am sure many tire of their labors. But work usually provides a trade of our time and effort for gain. The more valuable our input, often, the better our returns. But, I think, work is much more than that. It is our way of being a part and party to a functioning world. I can't work, I can't get my days straight and haven't have the 'something' required (ability to focus, memory, and some other... thing). I love to work, when I can. Even mowing, for now, when I can.

11.) Play. When work is done there is no small joy to be found in everything from getting together with family and friends and enjoying time together. Part of that is literal play, from sports to board games. Another part is everything from flirtations to merely keeping company and staying involved in each others' lives. Not all play includes other people. With my limits, for example, computer games offer me something to do and enjoy.

12.) Engineering. The notion that we can take materials, ideas, and manpower and turn what wasn't, perhaps never before, into what is, produce materials, buildings, automobiles, communication devices, medical cures, and actually everything we use today and every tool, device, cooking method, mode of transportation we have ever used, is absolutely amazing. Perhaps engineering is now more symbiotic with science, but the truly great engineers often create because they don't know what they are doing is "impossible" or "implausible", according to scientists or scientific theory. (Not science, which is, actually, fundamental truth, something we can't actually know here and now.)

13.) Mathematics and science. No, not academics. Sorry, but I think math and science and academics diverged as much as academics has left the Church, it's mother. I am talking about the real stuff. As well, though math is a form of communication and perhaps music, perhaps the purest form, I consider it a form of science since we truly do not understand it. For example, zero (as in 0), is merely a theory to this day. And the notion that 1 + 1 = 2 (and more, anything more complex) is unprovable. It is merely a given. Science is a joyful thing, to see something curious and to use specific methods to understand what it is that is being seen. I really do enjoy this. And math is the primary method of disseminating, dissecting, and constructing science.

14.) The arts, crafts, and creative outlets. I have no real skill here. And not all of these things, or specific areas within them, do I enjoy. But that is not necessary. There is something out there for any who choose to pursue one form or another, as participant or admirer.

15.) Music. These aren't necessarily in order, mind you. Although the tops one certainly are. In any case. While music can be called a form of mathematics or communication, I like to give it a place it deserves, a place of it's own. While I do listen to harder rock, heavy metal, and some punk/gothic, I am always looking for something new. After my middle death (near death they say, whatever), what I saw and heard shook me. One of the things I found odd was... if it wasn't just a mind trick mind you... that we communicated by singing. No, not a silly Broadway musical or something. I can't really explain it. Trust me though, if it is true, you will get over your current squeamishness about it. Beautiful. Anyway, music can be quite a stirring thing, to be loved.

This is getting hard. This could get tacky as I must go personal, maybe, eventually.

16.) Men choosing to be free men. In a world that says man must be subdued, choosing to be a free man is no easy task. And yet men do it every day. They do not bow to bad law or bad governments or various other more personal pressures, some pay the ultimate price. Others are ostracized, criticized, debased. Some free men live free in spite of the call to enslave, even right through slavery. Christ suggested men be good men where they are, slave or master, teacher or student, rich or poor. I like to believe being a good Christian IS being a free man, no matter the circumstances.

17.) Wool socks. (told you) Oh, I know. Many say they are itchy, they probably haven't tried merino wool socks. I wear them winter and summer, if of different thicknesses. Actually, they are far cooler in the summer (and dryer) than cotton, they last much longer (I have some pairs from six to seven years ago I do believe), and they are quite warm in the winter (plus they can handle some moisture getting in).

18.) Women. (This should be much higher.) (I like men, prefer them for conversations and such, on serious topics, but I don't quite love them except as family, friends, allies, or just as people. Sorry Charley, I don't swing that way (and I'm not really sorry about it at all).) I don't understand these creatures. I don't even fully understand my attraction to them. Further, I get along with them about as well as oil and vinegar... without some shaking... never... mind. Still, I truly enjoy these creatures. They fascinate me, intrigue me, baffle me. But I do very much see them as a gift from God. Oh... oh... my side! :p

19.) Beer. Was it Benjamin Franklin who said beer was proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy? It couldn't be too bad if monks have perfected some of the finest brews in the world. All things in moderation, mind you. I haven't had a drop since edema, and had too little for a long time before that as well. Should health improve and stabilize I will return to beer, and wine, and an occasional snort of scotch, more than before but not all that much either. Further, Christ's first miracle was to turn water to wine, and the good stuff at that. A six pack, or variations considering wine and scotch, a week would be my goal.

20.) The mountains. To look out my windows (in any direction) and see mountains, but more to drive in them, and eventually hopefully to hike in them is a blessing I can't give proper words to convey. They remind me to be humble, in my quieter times. They inspire me to their heights, literally or metaphorically, in high times. Never to challenge them, only to... take part in their grandeur, or more, perhaps, to be a witness to their heights and size and beauty.

Well, there it is. Not so easy, but worth the work, I think. What do you see as worthy of love?