Looking over my shoulder?

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The term goes both ways.  I do get a bit uptight about things, and to some degree, shouldn't.  I might learn to better handle my reactions.  Looking back, or over my shoulder, some of this is simple to spot and certain.  While I do have some sort of link with God it certainly doesn't gain me access to certainty, even when I focus, pray, read the catechism, read the bible, then put it all together.  A blind man on a balance beam with one hand tied behind his back, all of his own doing?  To a degree. All of this lead me to question what is good.  What is a good deed?

The other part of looking over my shoulder is that while I sometimes do it to myself, God is always doing it.  Oh, I don't think of it as a parent looking over my shoulder.  Wait.  Actually, that is very much how I see it, only a perfect Parent.  If the Lord knows, I had parents who really tried.  Yes, I see God over my shoulder when I look.  But God doesn't have a smiling face or a long face, unlike what many seem to believe.  No, He just Is.  So, what do I receive from perceiving God looking over my shoulder?  Ah, a reminder of what Is and what He wants.  If I am a child, He is not.  In physical, civil, secular terms, at least for me, seeing God there is similar to looking up at a mountain from it's base, or looking around out in the middle of the ocean, or watching a huge storm.  It is humbling, settling too, and puts the world, all, and me in place, our places.  He brings order.

So, what is a good deed?  Some will say helping people.  Others say "helping the planet" is a good deed.  There are many schools of thought, but most fail in part or in whole.  A quick search at a search engine lead to anti-war people, questions, and groups.  No, if God were to be of the laughing sort, this would surely cause Him to grin, then grimace, then become very angry I should think.  It refutes His very will from times past, possibly present, and the times to come.  Christ will cause blood to flow in the streets, if not directly through warfare but through His will it seems, if due to the threat of obliteration.  I knew I had read the right answer somewhere before, at least as I see things.  The Catechism?  Maybe, but where is it and how to find the topic in such a big book?  A very short trip found the book in my hand before I had actually started the search.  I merely entered the next room to begin contemplating where I might have placed the book, from there to go and begin my search.  My left hand had it in hand before I truly realized I had found it or even started contemplating which room to search for it.  Well, at least God didn't throw it at me.  :p

A very short search within the book itself and, there it is.  The chapter title, if I can call it a chapter, was 'Good Acts and Evil Acts".  Well, yeah.  A bit of reading made me sure this is where I had seen what I approved as an answer before.  I've read the book twice, and searched it while reading the bible many times.  Still, it is rather more than memory can contain, if some notions stick pretty well, like this one.  An act, as the Catechism puts it, is split into three parts.  The first part is the object.  This can be a self-contained act, the example it gives is fornication which is always an evil act.  The other parts of an act may include the end, and circumstances.  If a man prays and fasts, for example, that would seem to be a good act.  But if he does it to be seen by men, then... not so much.  As well, if someone does an evil, but it is done under duress, that would have an effect on the level of corruption.  Much as the amount that is stolen will have a moral and legal affect on judging the action.

I am not sure I am getting it exactly right.  But that is the crux of it, some of it nearly verbatim.  Why is this on my mind?  It's that looking over my own shoulder thing at the moment.  I am trying to square some circles, I just didn't have the right tools at hand.  Now I do and can move on to the next set of issues to be defined, tackled, unknotted.  At least I know where to go, for my purposes, in my belief.

One notion that bothers me is that it is suggested that if another man is doing wrong, that a personal conversation to clarify the actor's action and understanding, and to attempt to have the actor cease what he is doing wrong.  I would hope others would do this with me, and I will do likewise.  Beyond that, the next step is to take the issue up with the Church.  These steps are not intended for suspicion, though snotty behavior might be included.  It is then their job to set the thing straight.  An issue I have here is, what about a Presbyterian and a Lutheran?  Can they speak to each other in such a manner?  Catholic and Baptist?  No, I don't have an answer, only a question.  My guess is it would depend on many factors, rightly or wrongly.  It is a troubling thought.

Hmm, on to my day.  I did get the litter policed, the girls need more food now, and I will reset the dishes to a fresh soak.  I am extremely tired today.  I turned the furnace up a bit, for a while, though I think I blew it.  I need a blast of hot air, for say an hour, not a breath of warm for a while.  I need to drive the cold out of my body, first thing, then let the house cool down.  My body just has to warm up a bit before it can maintain boiler temps and I didn't do that well this time.  Trial and error, the stuff life is made of?

Later.

Dreams.

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I don't remember many of the dreams, only that there were many.  I woke throughout the night, from time to time, seemingly for no reason, which is unusual itself.  Usually I sleep solid, save once or twice a week, and usually less often actually, waking to relieve myself.  Last night was simply a very odd sleep cycle.  Through the night I sort of counted the dreams as well as I could.  My most definite count is at least seven independent dreams that I recalled, and knowing I dreamed more after that but never waking well enough after the definitive count to count them beyond that point.  I am guessing as many as twelve full length dreams, if all content is lost save the one I wrote about.  As I was waking this morning, as if to let me know that dreamscapes can't be completely put into abeyance by consciousness, time seemed to fast forward to Sam dying of old age, then another of me dying when the girls were too old to be taken in by others.  Just a harsh punch on the nose to let me know even an awake mind can be jacked?

Never mind.  I slept well and am rested.  I have shaken the morning psychic slam.  Hey, the girls are all I have.  Feeding the girls was done posthaste, not for the dream, simply that is what I try to do.  They are really into the feed lately, probably a fall thing.  Most animals see winter and begin feeding more heavily I would guess?  The girls have been heavily feeding, come to think of it, since mid to late August.  I have been keeping up with their demands since they were pretty light feeders for much of the summer.  Oh, I need to remember to clean out their litter box right after feeding them.  Make the whole process one chore rather than two, since the one chore seems automatic in good or bad health, that would make it much easier than splitting the two tasks into their own efforts.

My blood sugar was high this morning.  At 142, it is the highest I have seen it since I began monitoring it.  My weight is staying at 260.  My guess is the 'snack foods' provide the wrong type of carbohydrates, much as Gatorade does.  So, when I am finished with them I will not be buying more of them.  Seriously, I can drink regular soda and live on candy bars for a week during a bad downward cycle without raising my blood sugar, but a month of eating 'healthy' bars to supplement a diet and my blood sugars bump harshly?  No wonder no one knows what diabetes is about.  One of my organs, in the mid-upper left side of my torso (from my perspective) seems to be twitching.  It does it regardless of blood sugars, from time to time, anyway.  My guess is blood pressure causes the vessel feeding into it to surge, causing slight pain to the organ and to the surrounding tissue.  A little burning and sometimes a more solid sharp pain at an irregular if somewhat cyclical rate is the deal.  I should look at an anatomical diagram to see if I can guess which organ it is.  It isn't the only, what I believe to be, organ to do that, it is just the most typical.  Old 'cars' simply have problems.  At least I am not leaking oil or gas, yet.

I am setting the alarm for 6:00 and trying to wake at that time as I see the opportunity to make landfall into a day schedule.  I couldn't wake at 6:00 this morning, maybe because of the dreams, perhaps because of the sleep disturbances.  I reset the alarm and was able to wake at 7:00, to much rejoicing from the girls.  I have to hand it to them, they do try to help me wake... if for their own reasons.  Sassy is on a tear, Sam is over trying to figure out if she wants to stay awake or nap.  Sassy is very careful NOT TO MESS with Sam at these times.  Sassy loses hard, even having the tear-factor, being younger, and weighing 50% more with all else being equal.  Let... sleeping cats lie?  Who knew?

Well, on to another attempt to get at the work needed.  Whoa though... I just realized it is chilly!  I may have to set the furnace to fire a bit in the mornings.  Just an hour or two runtime to make waking just a bit easier.  It still gets a bit warm and stuffy some afternoons so I can't quite take the ac out yet and I need to be careful to just knock the chill down when running the furnace.  Gotta love the season changes, and I do.  They at least try to keep me on my toes.  Good day.

Odd night.

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I was awake until 20:30 or so, if just barely able to stay up that late.  I wasn't able to get to the dishes.  I did cook an early afternoon meal though.  The other fellow who arranges the room and brings snacks was in town for the meeting today, thankfully.  He called to ask what to do, so I gave him a short and sweet version if I don't think there is a long and sour version.  I did ask that he ask around about a table-top podium for when we have speakers and guest speakers, something I will be checking on if he turns up snake-eyes.  The group may not know of the whereabouts of such a device, but somebody else at Church will know.

I woke just a bit ago, mid-sleep, at about 23:30.  Someone was in my room!  I was just reaching for my pistol when I realized it was merely a dream.  And, I wasn't even actually reaching for my pistol.  I was quite asleep.  The dream up to that point had been an odd conversation with one of my cats, actually in the dream my only cat.  Oh, she didn't speak back, it was more like my real "conversations" with my cats.  I speak, they look at me when they are near me for company, as if they are listening and learning, or more, merely entertained by being talked at by a bigpeopletype.

In the dream I was living more south, south east, something, here in Utah.  Somewhere with train tracks somewhat elevated by being built up heading east to west close by, and tracks that came in from the south then split and joined with the main tracks.  The terrain was definitely desert, but not sandy desert.  The soil was redish brown or tan.  Tawny perhaps?  We were in my home and looking out the window, partly open.  There was a mountain lion out there, somewhere.  We knew, from tracks or reports or having seen or heard it.  I was pretending my cat was asking "why the mountain lion", "why does it want to hurt us", and explaining.  Thus the conversation.  I can't remember how the conversation went exactly, only that the explanation was interesting (or I thought so as an observer).  While I played the main role, it also seemed like I was sometimes viewing things from behind the cat and man, like a cameraman.  Anyway, I (he) went to bed, and woke to someone in my (his) room.  That is when I "woke" and "reached for my pistol" only to wake in my own room here at my home.  Silly dreams.  I am hoping to get back to bed shortly.  No, the dream didn't disturb me.  Dreams like that usually don't.  It wasn't close enough to me, here, and/or now.  It does make me wonder... if someone out there has had a surprise visitor though, and what happened next.

Good night, I hope.

An odd thing, and well, gaming.

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I know it is odd to put such varied topics as console game thoughts and heavy political stuff in one article, but... this isn't a professional blog.  This is just a repository of thought, belief, disbelief, exploration, fantasy, and the rest. 

Today being what it is, blogs and other sites have put things up in remembrance.  I don't, always.  Sometimes my thoughts are personal.  When I go to log onto my blog I found, since it doesn't work as it should, that the fastest way to gain access is to visit the main Google search engine site and patch in from there.  So I do.  I have heard about, and acted upon, the notoriously anti-American, un-American, or un-patriotic nature of Google (depending on how you see things) by not using them where I can spare it.  I kept seeing something on the site today, a little picture.  I simply didn't know what it meant or was for.  And, actually, I won't claim to at this moment either.  The picture is of a black ribbon, like the pink one's for breast cancer awareness (pro-abortion), and such.  Only, as I said, the one at Google was black.  Finally, I realized it might be about what happened on 9/11.  Yeah, yeah, hush it.  But what does a black ribbon represent?  A quick search seems to indicate that the black ribbon is in memory of the European victims of communism and socialism (often called nazism by today's European and American socialists (governments), albeit).  So, what is up with that?  It wouldn't surprise me at all to learn that Google is blaming American politics for the attack, directly, indirectly, through conspiracy theories, or whatnot.  But I don't actually know.  I only have their bad rep, what is shown, and a little research to go on.

Okay, on to gaming.  I am playing "007 Quantum of Solace".  No, it is not a great game.  It is pretty cookie cutter with no real challenges unless you allow your aim to be reduced to luck and the enemy health and movement to be set to absurd.  While combat might be tricky at times, a good soldier usually doesn't have a difficult time with it.  Imagine if the Army wanted to make better soldiers so they made the sights more difficult to use and packed them down with 50 pounds worth of clothing on top of their gear loadouts.  Yeah, no.  Still, I remember again why I enjoyed Bond movies as a kid, if there are few... "ugly, mean, stupid, girls" in the game portion.  I still remembering not thinking too highly of girls in school, as a social ordered thing, at least publicly.  Girl cooties and stuff.  But I also remember going to the movies to watch Bond with my fellow anti-girl crew and... enjoying the grown up version of girls very much.  As well, the impossibility of what Bond does, as if it was nothing, is fun too.  While we have excellent soldiers, sailors, marines, intelligence agents, and such, none of them can simply walk through a hail of bullets every other building they enter and then just have a martini to make it all better.  Impossible is fun.  One advantage to this game is that, for the most part, it is so static that I can just view the upcoming chapters on YouTube, then go do.

Why would I spoil it?  Well... if you are serious at all about things, everybody would.  You can try to invent your own wheel but that is rather non-productive.  If you can learn floor plans, at least a bit, do walkthroughs, see what works, and mentally (or better) practice, before doing something, and you have the time, why wouldn't you?  Imagine never having worked on an engine and deciding to do a complete teardown of your only driver?  Or imagine never having cooked and deciding to make some feast come to life?  Do you think our special forces and intelligence agents are just parachuted into enemy territory with little more than a communication device, navigation equipment, and some questionable and old intelligence reports?  Well, not if otherwise possible.  Heck, they will reconstruct mockups of places they will be entering for a major event, if given the time leeway necessary, including adding guards, cameras, obstacles, locks, and whatever else is known to be in place, plus some possibles but unlikely additives.  Yeah, so I... look ahead, plan.  Not much to it with this game.  I guess I just hate surprises, to boot.

Later.

Well, some nukage.

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Buying things.  Yeah, okay, I have always been at least a middling advanced shopper.  Tech, ideas, and such.  I sometimes would like to think that I am on the cutting edge, if in many ways I am dubious about the proposition.  In secular terms, at my price point, I probably could easily be counted as such.  But that was never the point.  I had one of the first cellphones (for personal use) in my area.  Some of my family and friends were quite curious, others thought I was damned fool for wasting good money on a toy.  Hmm, I wonder how many of them have cellphones now, come to think of it?  As well, I was one of the first to realize what a lark cellphones really are, if many still don't get it.  At least for personal use.  Now, in my case, since I was always going to or from, rarely at home if I even had a home, and moving frequently even then, a cellphone was my only real choice.  For the first time in my life people from my past, after I got my first cellphone, could track me down easily.  I wasn't an invisible man to society, being impossible to find or even contact.  I lost interest though and turned the phone off and kept it off until it was purely mine again, using it only for when I wanted to reach people or check messages.  There are many things, from having a cellphone, home computer, certain tech regarding my vehicles, and on it goes, in which I have been a consumer use leader.

And, for the most part, for someone in my situation, I suppose that is fine.  I can't get ahead.  I won't be looking at significant raises, my income will not improve with performance, I can't produce alternative revenue streams for legal and realistic reasons, I am simply an adult child in many ways, receiving an allowance because I cannot work.  But most people aren't that way.  If a solid wage earner or salaried man improves his output or increases what he brings in for a company or takes on a second set of duties, and will fight for a better income, quite often he will get it or find a headhunter who targets such individuals for growing companies.  Or... traditionally.  Further, if he increases his output and cuts his expenses, he can get much further ahead.  But if he extends his buying power with his income, assuming he saves money himself and even if he doesn't go deeply into debt, all he will doing is slightly increasing his savings which draw a yield below inflation, so even while saving he will be losing money.

Why get ahead?  Ah, in order to invest.  If I had enough squirreled away, the first investment would be "free housing". A reasonable home in which I didn't have to pay to live. Taxes and insurance are minor, really, compared to the rest. While investments don't yield like they can and have, they do beat banks, and often inflation, meaning he isn't losing money as he would be by purely saving money in a bank, if he has control over the investments... they need to be somewhat liquid.  I see so many people with so many things that do no bring a return that... I just shrug.  As I said, I actually can't get ahead, if buying a home is as close to getting ahead as I can do, and I am doing that, finally.  And even that form of getting ahead isn't now and never was quite what it was supposed to mean recently.  A house is an investment in a bit of static wealth to a degree, but mostly an attempt to have a free place to live, a springboard into keeping more or working less, maybe even a place to meet other people with money to invest if you are... far enough ahead.  I live too baseline, economically, to get ahead any more than that.  When in the Navy I was beginning to see how other sailors had catapulted their careers into some serious wealth, enlisted men at that.  Tight, hard, and without all the doodads and toys, though in the end able to live a rather comfortable life.  I had plans to follow some of their lead until it all fell apart.  Reading books, talking to practical small investors, learning, looking, and planning.  Perhaps I am wrong about my income, but... I didn't, and probably don't now, have the wherewithal to coral that in any case.  Maybe it is the complexity and demanding regimen that is the problem with others too?  Dunno...  Just... grumbling as I try to figure out how to buy a piece of equipment I can't afford and which will bring me no income?  Oh, one other point...  I think being in a marriage can, if guided a bit, greatly help.  Two heads can be better than one, more so if they are on the same page but with very different ideas about it, in a way. Give them both the veto! 

Death from below.

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Can't recall exactly, but that or something like that was a common theme for submariners.  Whether boomer or fast-attack sub, the notion was there.  Snipers of the ocean, really.  The first sub I was stationed to had enough missiles, with mervs, to hit every major city in Russia (or so I was told, assuming a full compliment which none of us knew save the captain and a few others perhaps).  While the reality might have not been quite that, as the launches could not simply be fired off in machinegun succession or even at revolver speed.  A few missiles would have been fired, then the sub would have scooted out of that location as fast as we could pedal the oars! 

Russians radar, satellites, and possibly underwater sonar devices would target us quickly and a response might well be on it's way.  The response would vaporize at least one square mile of water, so... even a carrier up to 40 to 60 nautical miles away might be sucked into the resulting whirlpool, if I think being underwater might have reduced that range, possibly significantly, if I never actually found a theory thread about that which I can recall.  The 'response' didn't have to be all that accurate if it was... timely enough.  I hope I didn't divulge any secrets, I don't think I did but sometimes they said everything about everything was a secret on subs. 

Oh, don't call submarines boats loosely to some of the more particular sailors, either, if I did with my part of the crew... boats are technically vessels that are small enough to be stowed aboard ships, and will get some officers and senior enlisted quite cross-eyed, if that was a fun pastime for some of us teen and twenty something adultified rug-rats, bored with months of sea duty.  Just play dumb when doing it, the lecture can get you out of a little work when tired and a bit overworked, too!  It was even better than calling a bulkhead a wall or a ladder stairs, which would only get a little bit of snarling and some lipspittle tossed your way.  Sassy does the same thing to Sam, species doesn't seem to matter? *grins*

Anyway, when I first wake, it seems that I am in death from below mode, sitting at Defcon 3 or 4.  I need to... avoid commenting, when possible, until all stations have reported in and no threats, obstructions, or orders would preclude going back to standard operating procedures.  Some days that never happens, though usually I can simply gurgle through the waking dream phase and surface for fresh air before too long.  Only if I can't get the cpu (brain) working, or the extended units (arms, leg, body in general) are suggesting incoming fire (pain), or something like that, will I remain in heightened stages of readiness.  Today looks to be getting back to sop pretty quickly.  Still, a few hours before commenting is becoming the new sop, should I be able to remember.  Nukes are not toys... I'll write that a couple hundred times on the chalkboard, then clean the board and the erasers?

I have high hopes for the day.  Oh, not world shaking, not even house shaking.  I doubt if I would exactly be said, if all goes well, to have rumbled myself even a little.  But that isn't my lot at this time.  A little more work, more progress than regression by a goodly lot, a few more areas hit and hit well?  Yeah.  Dishes were not done, so I will be draining some of the relatively fresh water in one of the sinks and adding hot water.  The other sink only had a bit of water in it, so a bit of fresh hot water to that, and before long I will kick those out.  I would like to continue picking up the place, neatening little areas as I go.  A door and windows could be opened.  And I am going to begin policing the kitty litter, as that is required for the new kitty litter to work or work better.  That may be it for the day, but if I dig into those solidly I should have a noticeably nicer place in which to dwell.  Just a bit, each day, with lots of rest between sets of tasks.  Just like when I used to lift weights and swim, I didn't lift it all at once... reps and sets, laps and rest (when I was leveling up anyway), reps and...  OH look, bacon!  Bah!  Made myself hungry.

Have a good day.

Such a simple set of tasks?

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Well, yes, of course.  And, no, not really.  Dressing was easy.  Clean clothes, even if they do or don't smell clean, were available.  Ah, but addresses.  I wrote the new address at which my mother receives mail just... this morning?  No, wait, Friday.  But while cleaning today it disappeared.  A call to her, hoping she was available to answer.  Okay, got the address.  This time I put it into my smart phone.  For the other address I had to check my email and go back to... April?  Really?  Has it been that long.  Counting off the months, it seems that even if mail forwarding only lasts six months (though I think it works for a year), that should be enough time for the letter to go to her old address and be forwarded.  Why... do women move?  Bah!

Then writing short letters, filling out some checks, making sure the right check went to the right woman.  No, no child support or any funny business.  My mother is a little short, and not just in stature.  I wish I could do more but this should do nicely.  The other, just a gift for someone who needs.  Oh, I don't think she is starving, just...  Someone who is probably living on the fringes of what most consider a reasonable financial way.  One of those things.  Like I said, getting the money out of my greedy little hands is the hard part, once it is off I do feel much better.  A task from April, the other from August... or really last Friday for sure.

As for anything else today?  I do hope to finish up the dishes.  The water might be cold by now but that is no real problem as hot as it started out.  The cats were fed as I was about to leave and the trash and recycling bins were brought back to their stations once I was out the door.  Nothing fancy but not bad.  Maybe tomorrow I can get another batch of chores done.  So simple and yet so impossible.  Oh, dinner will be arriving before too long as well.  While the front room isn't exactly perfect yet it might look just a tad better should it be viewed.  All good. 

Later.

Napped, showered...

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Now to just crawl into some clothes, get some things written, find some addresses, and make it to the post office before they close.  It's 15:00, I am not sure how late they stay open, though last I thought I knew they are open until 17:00.  Yeah, best get cracking.  Not much of a nap, couldn't really sleep.  Then again that means I have a better chance at doing this priority group of tasks.

Life really is as thin for me as I suggest here.  While I can be lazy, I couldn't live with myself if even a quarter of this problem was simply an unwillingness to do... whatever.  My will pushes all of the time.  It usually loses.  The body just can't do things, won't do things.  Beating it with a whip doesn't help, though I haven't literally tried flagellation or such.  Scorn for self is... enough, too much.  Even this, for the most part, has been set aside.  It didn't work and was quite self-destructive.  Beating a dead horse with tongue or rod serves no purpose.  Still, I do enjoy what I can, and I do what I can.  And I like to do things, work, play, worship. 

Well, I best be off.

Work done.

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Oh, well, I didn't quite open my front and back door, dig a canal to the local river, build a water purifying plant in between, and clean my house like I almost ought to do.  No, not that.  I did set two loads of dishes to soak, picked up a couple of rooms (a... a bit... just a bit, but a mostly bit).  I took the wheat to the basement, along with the jet stove and water pasteurizer.  I did have to rebox the stove.  Hey, I'm looking for all the points I can get.  Well, that was that though, all the work I could squeeze out.  I set my timer for an hour and an half, and will likely reset it if I don't take a nap.  Remember, that is on top of getting the cat litter changed, the trash together and out, the recycling together and out, and then taking those bins out to the curb.

I am hoping to finish off the dishes this afternoon, then sweep and pick up some more.  That will be my day.  Even if I could do more, doing too much after being so sedentary is not wise.  Well, one other thing, I need to get some mail out.  Actually the mail trumps anything else and will be my next effort.  That will require a shower and putting on something other than my manly pjs.  Ha.  Hmm, definitely will need a nap to get the mail out.  I could probably lumber through the other tasks and stay up until 17:00 or later, hopefully, as is.  Getting a shower in, getting some things written and dealing with finances, then getting to the post office?  Yeah, no, not without a nap.  Bah!  I best get the nap in before it gets too late.

Geez Louise!

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It's just not working today.  Still sluggish of brain and body.  Still, I think I will get some work done anyway.  I don't know how, nor do I care, so long as at least a couple of things get hit.  A load or two of dishes, sweeping, picking up around my home, laundry will wait until cleaning is done and I am at the airing out stage though, perhaps cleaning the bathroom, or a whole list of other odd jobs.  No, not all.  Like I said two or three of those, depending on how deeply I dig into whichever projects do go forth.

I am still a bit sore.  It must be the weight loss.  The headaches have pretty much gone away, I just have an occasional discomfort as if my brain stem was become detached from my spine.  While it doesn't hurt there are odd things, like nausea, dizziness, and minor feverishness.  As I said though, if I get in the right mood I will ignore all but the loss of limbs and just get to it.  This might be one of those days.  Oh, and I am going to have to get out.  I need to send my mother something, and another long promised card.  Both require a little bit of gelt, stingy as I am right now.  Funny how hard it is to send money sometimes, but how much of a relief it brings when the green is on the way though, isn't it?

I've been hunting the girls this morning, a little more than usual.  They hate it, all the while loving it, and coming to me for more if I think they have really had enough.  Sam tries to explain it to me... something along the lines of... when I say no, I mean no, except that I don't mean no, unless I really really mean no, at which time you should do it more.  She is quite put out with me if I don't rough her up well past her saying no.  Well, right until she goes for the eyes...  I play with them rather gently, actually.  I have found the right balance.  How do I know?  Because neither have turned into absolute monsters.  They truly are a pair of the nicest cats I have ever 'owned', some of that comes from playing the right way with them.  Hmm, now to turn Sassy into tickle bunny number one!

My mother called today.  She didn't mention it but I know what the call was about.  So, I'll get to it, as mentioned above.  It was a planned event but my fall, or fear of a fall, from good graces last Friday left the task undone.  I need stamps.  I probably have a roll of nearly a hundred.  The thing is I am not sure it is the current price for postage!  Time travels so fast that I simply lose track of such things.  Then again, who even sends letters much anymore, other than businesses?  Yes, after a bit I will need to shower, get the mail ready, and risk being offensive going into the post office.  Some things will be done today.  Beside the push of season change, and my wanting to get out, the prospect of home made menudo has me drooling.

Later.

Local news.

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While I don't always take the time, I try to look at local news from time to time.  The problem?  Even here in Utah, most news is filtered through the idolatry and heresy of liberals in SLC.  While the lean is thinner, the intent is no less strong.  Still, sometimes on local news, some of their reporters almost forget that it is their job to reeducate Americans and the story is just that.  Mostly.  Grumpy much?  Shut it, a life time of immoral jerks attempting to indoctrinate me with their evil is simply getting it's due.

In these next stories, you see tragedy on the little scale.  Sometimes with a better ending, sometimes not.  This first group of stories shows people living their lives and doing what they do and finding themselves out of all bounds, sometimes to finality.  The first is about a man, leading his life, who has a stroke.  The next story is an ongoing tale, which means I will be seeing what happens next.  Two men, climbing in the mountains I have some hopes of maybe climbing myself.  The last is of a family man who, despite all his hard work at being healthy, lost his life in the oddest of ways.  Sympathy and empathy are easy here, and given.  Don't just sit there, consider this an informal prayer request.  We can't if you and I can.

Next, a story in which it is difficult to have any positive feelings toward the lead, save that he didn't kill anyone else while acting self-destructively.  Oh, I can't say I don't pray for the man.  I hope he finds his way back, learns his lesson as we all sometimes get that opportunity, and all.  But more it is hoped that he doesn't get this kind of opportunity again, or soon, if at all.  Throwing stones?  Well, if to this extent, I am throwing stones at myself, not in a glass house.  And I took extra time to learn my lesson, turning down the chance to drive again even without having been in an accident, until I was sure I could get it right.

And this story just caught my eye.  Gaming as a means of staving off dementia?  Well, it seems to be the case.  Now there are caveats, holes big enough to drive a truck through, and many reasons to disagree (internet access is fraught with as much moral peril as is possible with alcohol consumption, or more... it's the stuff you don't see coming that seems to get people the worst?).  But by and large, my guess is that they are onto something.  I actually use my game play, if at a much higher level, to test my functioning.  If I can't seem to tie my shoes, so to speak, in game, I know life outside is not going to be any better. Sometimes I can still push through but it is as thin and weak as sewing thread.  But if I can remember where the loot is or find it all, zap a group or better waves of pesky mobs, and take down the boss or mini-boss, and sometimes all at once and in short order?  Then I am ready to... go grocery shopping.  *sigh*  Hey, it's about as good as I get.

Well, just some regional and local news, and a bit to say about it.  At least they have a forum where people can chime in.  I use Doom there too, or some variant of the name, back when I tried.  Beside being a seeming naysayer, I think the name has bad polling numbers...  I certainly wouldn't run as Mayor Doom, for sure.  :p

The cat litter has been policed and replaced, if the boxes did not get washed the ones I placed outside to air the last change smell... comparatively sweeter.  I used the last of the 'old school' cat litter, so next week I should be using the new stuff.  I sure hope it works.  I got the easy to get trash.  Of course in the kitchen receptacles, but also all the little refuse nugget holders around the house.  I am absolutely amazed how much a one gallon bucket sized container can hold.  Weight lifting done for the day, too!  I even remembered the bathroom chunk bucket this time.  That thing has been overflowing for a month or two now.  Yeah, yeah, mother, I'm... right on that.  I have left the main kitchen garbage container outside to air out.  Oh, and I opened the windows and front door, turning the fan on as well.  Mostly for the dust of the cat litter, atm, since I haven't cleaned yet so I am not sure how much just fresh air will help.  Surface, surface, we need fresh air!  Still, I am sure it will help.  All good, all good.  The alarm only went on for eight minutes before I heard and responded, too.  Actually maybe a little less.  That is when I turned it off, and I had already responded by bagging one more bag of recyclables, and started fidgeting with some other stuff when the alarm finally became intolerable.  Nerves, synaptic firing, misplaced signals, out of time sync reactions, whatever.  Shut up.  :p 

Ugh!^i

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Oh, nothing really wrong or bad.  My saddle sores seem to be improving.  I might even have an explanation for those.  As I have dropped to 260, perhaps just enough fat reserves have dissipated that... I am bottoming out, sitting differently, and such.  D.C. described a similar situation.  There is some threshold of comfort, aside from eating more to a degree (or at least eating without much thought), from having a "few extra pounds".  I am certainly not yet thin, or even ideal (by anyone's standard).  But I have dropped, last I checked, to 260.  With 250 as a goal, I can actually see that possibly happening, at which point I will have to seriously pad my chairs.  Anyway, the thing to is that my sleep cycles are just out of my hands.  I made it up to 17:30, and then only rested as I knew supper was scheduled.  Well worth the wait, and to add complement to a tasty meal and to the service of delivery, more of those cherry tomatoes.  I prayed, ate, crashed (but enjoyed immensely).  Waking shortly after 1:30 maybe, I see that keeping a day schedule is still not a done deal, given the notion of an 8:00 to 17:00 workaday.

On the good side, a simple prayer helped me stay chaste last night.  No, being tired and out of it a bit isn't a guarantee.  Often that makes control much more difficult.  Sometimes I can sweat bullets praying to no effect.  Why chastity?  Because God seems to prefer it, the Church asks singles to abide it, for me so as to struggle against the stream, to try to master myself, and actually many of those reasons combine into the notion that chastity leads one into the poison(tm) arms of a wife more surely which is their reasoning in the first place I suspect.  Many reasons.  Sometimes I sound definitively like your average 3rd grade boy.  All good, though, somehow. But... yeah... girl germs?  Yeah...  I mean...  No!

The girls have been fed, just dry for now.  My brain simply hasn't got the will to mess with canned food for them right this second.  Oh, yeah, they... keep checking.  How can tiny cats can make an ogre feel like a mouse?  On the good side of being up so early, I didn't get kitty litter, the trash, or the recycling managed yesterday.  And while my mind and body aren't quite ready for that I have set the alarm for 4:00 or something, to try to get going with that.  The recycling truck arrives very early, the other might not arrive until after noon.  Though one can never be exactly sure.  I'm not the only one, it would seem, who put out the bin only once in a while.  I bet the blue moon which causes everyone to put their bins out makes for a very long day for the drivers though.

I am still considering when to take the ac out of the window.  I did keep the packaging, but to use that for storage I would need to get packing straps to hold it together.  It is a wonderful packing system, save re-use requiring something I am not sure is common for households.  I'll look to see if it is a reasonable option.  Packing straps are quite nice to have for many reasons, so a reasonable excuse to purchase that system would allow for a bit of shopping.  The thing is, even now, sometimes a little shot of cold air helps.  I suppose though, simply opening the windows and using a fan might due just as well, usually. So long is when I need to sleep is at night.

On to my day.  Have a good day yourself.

Keeping food simple gets a boost.

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Oh, sure, I know home cooking every meal from start to finish from scratch with the freshest ingredients possible is the way.  Some of us simply can't.  Heck, some of us are happy to have just about anything to eat at times.  Sure, I have enough money to live well enough.  It is shopping, keeping things in stock, cooking then cleaning, that gets me.  I have a small system in place that is helping, and I am building on that.  One of the things I had pretty much decided against was microwave mac and cheese.  Still, I had four packs left of the ten that came in the box and I didn't want to waste.  It takes two of those to make a meal.  Not really wanting to eat them, but not wanting to throw them away, I decided to simply... hold my nose and put the stuff down the hatch.  At least it is warm.

As I was getting them ready I remember that I do have cans of tuna, small ones.  And of course I do have spices, though really only hot seemed right for the goo.  I decided to add tuna to both packs and cayenne to just one.  A little exploration.  While still not a meal to write home about, I think I might actually buy more of these.  The unspiced, even with tuna, simply won't do.  Adding the cayenne makes the meal into nearly a real meal.  Hmm, a decent meal, hot, with protein, spiced to my taste, in less than four minutes.  Yes, that will do once in a while when nothing else is possible.

Perhaps if I do get my place picked up and back in order this week I can make something I really like, as a treat.  My goal is one meal a week, home cooked, my way as to spice and cooking method and such, from the ground up.  That won't always happen, shopping must take place even if everything else is in place.  It's just a goal.  The first meal on my list is menudo.  I will be doing a bit of research for recipes.  I am thinking the pork's feet are a strong want, so will be looking for a recipe that includes that.  Aside from the flavor, the collagen thickens the soup to nearly a stew if the portions are right (and yes, you do eat the meat, usually it is just shredded into the soup if there is some worry that some people would be upset by finding a whole pig's foot in their soup).  I might even try to make my own tortillas.  My brother, for heavens sake, has made his own tortillas!  I have to catch up to him!  I don't need to win, and... actually... it's nice that my older brother is... leading the way.  Oh, here is a recipe that will do quite nicely.  If you try this, remember, the tripe shrinks a bunch.  What may look like enough in the store really isn't, according to my brother.  My brother says he makes large batches and freezes the extra.

Now if I could do more than sit.  Oh, it's coming...  But I am sort of stuck until... I clean and air out my whole home.  That's coming too.  At least I got something down my gullet all by my lonesome.

Kindle Fire, revamped.

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I have considered the Kindle, in various versions, before.  Not for myself, mostly, finally, but as a gift.  There were several problems, including no 3G/4G connectivity.  If I still wanted one now my smart phone would act as a hotspot, and since I was an early subscriber to data packages I have unlimited data from my carrier.  But, no, don't need it or want it.  My smart phone does everything but the big screen, and maybe more.  I believe the original versions lacked the ability to transfer what was being viewed to televisions, monitors, or such as well.  If that was possible, it took a lot of fairly technical steps and extra gear.  While the Kindle, to my mind, even now, while it's really not a laptop, it is enough for who it would be intended.  Books on demand, movies, magazines, and with both wi-fi and 4G, rather acceptable for at home or on the move (if it will still take some technical muscle to get it working, the hurdle isn't horrendous).  I believe there is a $55 yearly fee for 4G, but that is less than a cable connection by far (my cable bill is that much a month), and portable within the city in mind, more with so many wi-fi hotspots popping up.  Amazon even, after a bit of arm-twisting, decided to allow consumers to opt out of their all-advert all the time gig.  Oh, for the person I am considering this for that would be required or the thing might end up being thrown at me.  Hm, not really, just... the thought would be there.

I am well pleased that Amazon has been listening.  I keep looking for the real problems, limitations, extra costs, and reasons not to gift this device.  But at this time, from what I am seeing, other than some of the technical details involved, this would make a certain persnickety little firecracker almost happy.  She would still hate me, but... more warmly, if that isn't honestly the point either.  She can't help herself I think.  Hmm, I have a ton of other things on my financial plate atm, but I am considering it for a Christmas gift.  Rather than a plane ticket to visit, especially if I am as laid out as I am now.  No one likes to play with mostly dead hosts.  The price is a little high, and higher if you go all out (as much as all out really gets you).  As I said though, for what it is looking to deliver, as I see things now, it might be the right item at the right time.  Thanks for asking consumers and then actually paying attention to responses, Amazon.

The only thing I would ask, further, from Amazon, is to make sure that if I buy a book... my fault, their fault, no one's fault, that the book is mine.  That disappearing book thing was not cool, not at all.  Eat your mistakes.  Costly?  Yeah, well, that is how I learned half of what I know.  Learn.  And make sure, through the tech, that books in my collection cannot be altered.  Do this and I might honestly think about picking up one of the lesser gizmos for myself, eventually, just... because... I am a techy and a once and possibly future voracious reader.  It... just is the way of things.

Some days...

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Truth is a very difficult thing to wrestle with.  Some thoughts and knowledge so profound and disturbing that burying one's head in whatever medium available is by far the easiest thing to do.  Some of us are just too stupid to blink or hide?

I was thinking about the time Christ intervened on behalf of a prostitute.  She, being threatened with being stoned to death, was without a doubt sinning.  What Jesus said, what He did, it echoes in my mind.  I can almost see the event.  I recognize some of the faces in the crowd.  Mine!?!  Yes, there, slightly to the left of the leader, stone in hand, an intent look on my face.  The bitch deserves it, it is the law, it is my right and duty, after all.  He who is without sin cast the first stone, I hear.  What is He writing there?  Oh.  Oh!  It was never recorded but we all know it.  It might as well have been dictated to us by Jesus, to be written with our hands in the blood of our victims on the parchment of their dead skin.

And, of course, the crucifixion.  I still hear people suggest it was the Jews, or even the Romans, who murdered Christ.  It was their blood-lust and hunger for power that took our Lord and Master away.  No, it wasn't.  And He is being killed every day by the only murderer with whom we need concern ourselves.  Us, individually.  It wasn't the Romans, the Jews, the world, or Satan, it was our own personal sins which murdered Christ.  It was me, for my sake, you for your sake, and so on.  Actually, the men who committed the deed were more honest and forthright in doing their duties for which God called them than are we, in some ways.  They did Father's will, do we, when it gets hard?

It is a bitter cup.  The truth hurts, and all that.  Many look away, it is far easier.  Just do little good things, and let the rest go.  Don't look too hard, it was not and is not your cross.  But it is.  Jesus asked that we be forgiven, for we know not what we do.  In those few words, He knowingly put into words exactly what He was doing on the cross.  But, we do know.  We know very well.  If not, true enough, always and everywhere.  We easily get swept up into doing wrong, herd animals and beings mired in flesh that we can so easily be.

Hard.  Disturbing.  Doubt me at your leisure, just understand I am not Christ, I do believe we know what we are doing.  I know that I know what I am doing.  I am not sure which is worse, deluding oneself or... not.  Well, I think I do.  Pointing fingers you say?  Perhaps, but I don't do it without the full understanding of what that means.  And I accept the penalty.

Good day.

Not so great.

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The pain is odd.  My hips and butt are sore, like I had ridden a horse for a couple hours for the first time in decades a couple of days ago.  Yeah, I remember what saddle sore really means, even if it has been decades.  Every summer I would begin saddle breaking horses again after the winter off I would go through a week of this hard, then another two weeks of just some soreness now and then.  Riding hours a day on sometimes recalcitrant beasts, having to use all parts of the lower body, heavily.  Actually, when riding using various methods, all muscle groups get hit.  Many people think you just sit and say giddee up.  Sometimes you are out of the saddle and crouched like a runner, sometimes you simple stand in the stirrups, sometimes you do just sit.  Depends on what you and your ride seem to need to make some things happen.  Well, and balance is a thing you have to have, which also quietly uses everything.  More so when you are really hitting the limits of the horse or mule, a must to train the animal out.  Yes, that is what the pain is like, if far less than that first jolt of pain I used to go through.

Never a worry though.  If I am able to get my mind and body working, I work through pain, sickness, even heat just fine.  Unfortunately that is not the case today.  I simply don't have anything to give, so far.  Oh, I'm... keeping my eyes on it.  If I see a window, even a small one, I will use it to further my ends.  Trash and kitty litter today, regardless.  At which time I might be able to squeeze in some kitty litter pan cleaning.  Actually, I might figure out how to scrub the empty "fresh" pans before the change.  Perhaps even washing them out twice, with time to air dry, if I am "lucky".  My eye is on the calendar, the clock, and the tasks I have set out.  I really need to get this going, I just don't know how.  Never mind.  I'll figure something out.

Later.

Decided.

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I don't really have anything to offer the world at large.  My thoughts, memories for what they are worth or how true they may or may not be, my dreams, envisionings, and the rest are of no value.  Not even really to me.  I merely put them out of my misery here, often.  I have decided definitely to put my blog into at least limited view mode.  If you want to visit I will need your email address and a reason.  If it is merely to watch the gimp dance and sing, that doesn't cut it.  If it is to throw stones, talk to Christ.  So, if you want to read and have the capacity to comment here...

YOU need to send me an email, with the email address you want attached to access.
IN that email, you need to include why you wish to have access.  You do not need to agree, if your sole purpose is to critique, though, then I will expect that.  Why do you bother?  That's all.  Doesn't have to be a perfect reason, even a good reason, just... why?

I am leaving this blog open for a week.  If I am seeing things correctly, you have until September 20, 2012 to choose.  On September 21, this blog will be closed.  After that I will still take applications, but the site will be closed to you until you gain access.  Hey, it's a lot more honest than simply shutting down comments.  It slays me that someone would continue to write publicly while not allowing comments.  I just don't like people who hate what is written here sneaking in and then sniping at me from the shadows in real life, fearing even this old and actually kindly gimp.  Cowards have to be excluded.

Nap? Not so much.

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I did find my phone and placed a call.  My brother was there, trying to write a paper for school.  Well, and tend his girls.  Now his girls are human, have three names to them, and can be a bit more demanding.  It is... always interesting talking to him.  Ah but we had a good if broken conversation.  Somehow we got onto food and I asked if he remembered home made menudo, a Mexican soup using tripe (and maybe fresh pork hocks to help thicken), from when we were kids.  Remember, he says?  He makes it!  He told me it was easy and gave me an outline.  He just suggested I needed a pressure cooker.  Check.  You clean and dice the tripe, pressure cook that with some portion of water, then make a... it sounded like a roux, using more traditional Mexican spices and such albeit.  Adding various things like homily while stewing, fresh onions (for me) in the bowl, and maybe cheese.  Tortillas go well with it as an edible spoon or even just for dipping.  He wants me to make it and report back, suggesting the full recipes can easily be found online.  Okies, if it might be a week or two.  All good there.  I found it interesting to note that, as a former part-time Iowa boy, he officially thinks his part of Texas is worse on the heat and humidity side, if their winters are far milder.  Anyway, we spoke for some time.  It was good.  I was then quite ready for my nap.

As I tried to nap I was thinking about God, heaven, and such.  As I went in and out of sleep I had an odd sort of dream.  In it I made it to heaven.  Not a presumption by any means, just a dream.  I actually... fared well if you look at things that way.  I did above average, was awarded a better residence, and was given tasks commensurate with my achievements.  I felt out of place there, though.  It felt wrong.  So I spoke with the one who oversaw placements and housing.  I asked for a change.  Oh?  You think you deserve better?  No, no, not at all.  And, really, I suggested it wasn't about deserving or such, just that I felt a bit out of my element.  What can I do for you then, he asked?  First, could I apply for a simpler place to live.  Even a small hut, near a lake, with windows out to the landscape and water rather than into the city.  He thought he could arrange that.  Anything else, he asked.  Just one more thing, if it isn't too much trouble.  Go on, he said.  I was hoping to work as a servant and groundskeeper.  I don't want to be the chef, or someone who shines in their duties, just someone who does the background work that would only be missed were it left undone.  Setting up the dining hall, mowing lawns, cutting weeds, and the like.  A little variety, some indoors, some outdoors, something along those lines.  My health was restored, you see, making it possible for me to work again.  I got my wish.  He asked about not getting to be with God for meals.  I suggested that, just as on earth, if I bow my head that God would be with me, here or there.  As it turns out, God visited us at many of our meals just the same and in person as if I had sat at the regular table, only it was a far more intimate setting.  While all just a dream, it does represent my thoughts.  If I don't quite think that will be what heaven is either, thinking that heaven will be the place of accounting, and maybe learning, before we go on to... whatever God finally intends.  I've had similar thoughts before, just never saw it in movie form.  Still, I couldn't stay asleep long at all, even if I am still bone weary, and my eyes are like windblown dust filled burning orbs.  Ah well.  It was a good dream.

Hmm, might try sleep again.

It's not going very well.

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I did plan work.  I had to keep changing the time.  I see now that it just isn't going to happen.  I had actually, this morning, thought I might have my room torn apart, a load of dishes in, and bits of the kitchen under way by the time I went to bed tonight.  I put that in my head and... focused.  The plan was targeted, I set the alarm both to feed the girls and get going, since it simply wasn't available to me right then.  I did feed the cats.  I then just thought I could get to it a little later, so reset the alarm.  A 'little later' never arrived.  I simply don't have anything to give today.  I won't say yesterday wore me out just that life has.  I am even a bit sore today.  Well, there is tomorrow, and the day after, and so on.  All I know is I won't be making a public appearance until I have cleaned and aired out my home, washed my clothes and bedding, and aired out my mattress.  Which... at this rate... may take a couple of weeks.

I noticed something about non-alcoholic wine being better from you, with the caveat that I read that from msm and the report was scientific.  Now, I do believe in the sciences, the scientific method, and whatnot, up to... their limits mind you.  I just wish they were used more often in what passes for science is all.  In any case, I got sort of excited about it.  I do enjoy a good wine if a bit too much.  I had never heard of non-alcoholic wine before, so I began doing research while writing a post dedicated to the stuff.  The article and what research I could find, then a number of online sellers, but what of taste I thought.  So, I dug into that.  Ah, the sticking point.  I have heard it described as terrible.  The ratings got worse from there.  I heard people who actually liked non-alcoholic beer putting it down!  I even went to a site for epileptics, who can't drink, and found a wine connoisseur who had looked and was still looking for a good n/a wine.   Wouch.  So, I scrapped the post.  Hey, I try, but dead ducks simply don't fly and I won't pretend they do.  If I want wine from now on, other than very rarely and buying only one bottle of the stuff at a time, I will stick with grape juice.

Tired, too, again, already.  A nap?  Yes, that might do.  But before that I may call my brother.  Hopefully just a short call.  We are such different people though, and so much time has passed.  Sometimes I have no idea what to discuss.  Married men and bachelors are often on the opposite sides of the universe in so many ways too.  I know he likes hearing from me as much as I like speaking with him.  I know he is in pain.  Hmm, yes, a call.  All I can do is try.

Have a good day.  If you are tired, part of my nap will be for you.

Gah? Is it so hard?

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While I have question some politicians, I keep getting flak.  Fine, it is a serious season, more so than most.  People ARE at wits and emotional reserve ends with the financial, political, legal and illegal, and social events taking place in our country.  Fine, I can see that, going through it myself.  But after watching the news (mostly from conservative circles, mind you), I have yet to see any presidential pledges from either party.  Seriously, nada.  And so I have serious questions.

Well, today, at one site, I was having some serious tit-for-tat with a pro-Romney guy.  No, he is always crass and rude, so I didn't mind that part.  Oh?  He makes me look like, I dunno, Barney Fife, when he fires on all eight.  I just ignore the tough guy stuff sort of how my girls treat me when I'm in a grump.  Just... the food or facts in my case, thanks...  Anyway, after three or four barrages across each other's bow without anything really sinking in, he shot me a link, along with his typical snide nasty remarks.  (I must remember to save some of them, occasionally what he says is... deliciously atrocious, though not in this case, sadly).  After reading... oh... say 15 pages of meat, I... liked what I was reading.  Now, I had to ignore a LOT of it though, as I don't care about what he thinks of Obama, or even the problems other than that he notes them rightly, or what other people think of the problems or Obama.  Still, it seems (I am still reading) as though Mitt has a plan, it is in order, and...  Well, let me finish the reading and check some stuff on the side before I say more.  Just that this might do, at least for more serious contemplation.  I just thought to share this the link with anyone else who hasn't seen nor heard.  Of course... it is big.  I would prefer a more consolidated and public thing, but...  Yeah... I might even understand why not.  I told him a good one, I think, though.  I asked him if it was really so hard to shoot the link.  All that work made me feel like I was pulling a bugger out of his nose with a stinky fishhook!

Advice for reading?  Checking the area header, if it looks to have meat review it a bit.  But a lot of areas are just... typical political eye-crossing stuff.  Get to what he plans to do, or... says he plans to do.  I'll give him, mostly, the benefit of the doubt, within his capacity.  I do think he will get things done, but some things do bother me too (trying to change the rules, actually did I think, and not in a good way for grassroots).  Anyway... 

Whatever else it is a beautiful morning.

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With the sun becoming more of a friend than a foe as the season changes my curtains can begin to be open again.  This morning just a small bit, as the sun still makes gaming a bit tricky when it is rising.  I really ought to get a wall mount for the tv, so I can adjust angle and pitch so as to have the curtains open.  Still, a little bit open so I can watch the sun rise over the eastern range is a wonderful thing.  Even a tiny little window view into the outside world makes my home feel less like what I remember of submarines and more like what I remember as a child.  My mother was big on open curtains and windows when possible, sunlight, fresh air, clean and bright, and... well... typically what I see as a standard part of good women, mothers, world wide.  Yes, that means I think men tend to be more like cave dwellers, if for reasons that also make sense.  Security, focus on other matters, aesthetics behind purpose, use, security.  It's the mix that... works.  I need to find the 'wife store' and go shopping.

Waking up grumpy, a bit, and having dreams of some disturbing nature or other, doesn't make for pleasant waking moments.  I definitely understand why my father liked to wake at 5:00 every morning.  He could go through his gorilla routine alone when he had them and be done with it in time to be more pleasant when the rest of us were up and moving.  Oh, I think women go through it too, just not as testosterone driven if pretty gnarly sometimes.  It all settles into a nice rhythm sometimes, usually, though.  And it only affects me and the girls, who... don't even fear me in my "moods".  Blasted cats know me too well!  YaRgh!  Today is a grumpy morning, if again my mind is clearer.  I am thinking yesterday wasn't a fluke.  I feel compelled to get to cleaning though today might not quite be the day to dig in, either.  I will simply have to see if the body follows the mind as it did yesterday.  What little I did yesterday was still a relative local maximum.

Brushing my teeth will go forward again.   Perhaps that was all the smell was?  My tobacco also hides bad breath, oddly.  Its kills germs and perhaps bacteria in the mouth, good and bad though.  Since I hadn't brushed in... a while... until yesterday, and I didn't have tobacco in my mouth for two hours before trying to talk to someone... all combined... that might have been the problem with that.  My voice was very rough, like I had a serious frog in my throat.  I might have seemed more like a lumbering zombie than a man!  If I have bad breath I can usually smell, even taste, it.  Though, as I said, there is always the fear that one smells like a goat and has simply become inured to the odor.  I wonder, because why would I have smelled the smell getting into the vehicle the third time, but not the first or second time?  If I am inured, why would I have smelled it at all?  The only difference was that I had eaten before entering my vehicle the third time.  Yes, this is important to me.  A man won't be taken seriously, at all, if he smells like an animal.  People will avoid him, personally, but just as much socially.  Now, we all do smell bad at times, but... not usually horrendously, offensively, or without cause and in the wrong places.  It was obvious I had showered.  My clothes at least looked clean, my shirt even has a slight chlorine smell to it which I do like for white button-downs.  Dunno, still digging on that.

I am, if nothing else, taking stock of what needs to be cleaned, making the list of first and last, battle plans on how to do several things at once, and as I go about my daily affairs otherwise I check my cleaning supplies.  This will be an epic clean and sweep, and good timing too.  My mother always did major house cleaning in the spring and fall, before frost and after serious cold so as to air the place on top of the cleaning.  It makes sense.  Oh, she cleaned regularly too, bed changes at least weekly (save for, uhm, bedwetters) and all that, and had quarterly heavy cleans, but...  I'm talking house shaking, room re-ordering, furniture changing and moving, everything up/off/out/back events after the cold and hot times.  I have simply been... drifting on that. She would get a fire in her eyes and we did our absolute best to comply (and hide when we were completely done in).  Boy but did she have fire in her when things in her mind had reached a certain point and certain other factors (schools out, yeah! Not os fast there...)!  And the strength to command ten grown men to work themselves into piles of gibbering goo too!  *zouches* Fond memories, though, in their own right.

Food!?!

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As I consider banning most readership, there are things I can post.  Just no ideas or anything personal, for the moment.

For those of you who have difficulty getting food, this might be for you.  I have trouble with food for any number of reasons.  Doing dishes can be too much.  The task gets backed up, the kitchen falls into disarray, it all spirals into no place or tools with which to cook.  Yes, I do have food coming in.  And that has helped immensely.  But I wanted to build on that.  And I have.

There are good and bad things to eat out there, but if you are very hungry the difference is small.  With a little bit of planning, things can work so you eat less of the really bad stuff, only some of the sort of bad stuff, and more of the good stuff.  When I say bad, I mean empty calories nutrition wise.  The more and fresher the nutrients, the better.  But that just isn't possible, even for a meal a week here, save when it comes in.  So, I started looking at the options.

While certainly not perfect, any calorie in with some claim to nutrition is better than nothing, or worse feasting and fasting cycles.  I have been trying various things.  What has been good have been Nature Valley granola bars, Kellog's nutri-grain bars, mixed bags of nuts, cheese or peanut butter cracker bars, and even ramen noodles.  Yeah, each has it's problems and good points.  It beats starving while trying to figure out fresh foods I can't eat quickly enough so they go bad or some other "healthy" system.  And a hundred and fifty calories helps a bunch once in a while.  Actually I am now down to 260 even.  I tried insta-mac and cheese and... no.  Not even I can do that.  It's mush, with mush on the side.  Boxed is okay, but not nuke stuff, though the boxed stuff requires a pot and all else, so is no better than fresh foods for this purpose.

Most of those foods are good enough.  And they are supplemented by local 'mom's home cooking'.  Plus, once in a while, I can supplement a real meal or two in there.  Most of that food is good enough as is, save the ramen noodles.  Way too salty, and yet so convenient, so I tried something these last two tries of it.  If you make ramen noodles, as the stuff stews for that last minute?  Add a teaspoon (two if you are eating a double pack) of butter.  It cuts the salty taste to nothing and adds delicious as a final ingredient!  Because it is still so salty, and I do trust the docs a little bit, I don't eat that often.  But sometimes I need something hot.  Cold food is good enough mostly, but it just won't do all of the time.  And, well, I don't eat much salt anyway.  Probably not enough to be honest, so I don't mind infusing salt laden food into my diet once or twice a week.

If you have to keep it simple, can't keep up on shopping, can't keep up on dishes, and actually are overweight anyway?  Do it.  You might be surprised what eating a few extra calories, even so-called unhealthy calories, does for you, and your waistline.  I've dropped 14 pounds from my lowest in decades range of weights this summer, even right through a hard personal down cycle, by just figuring out how to get a few more calories into my ogre half-dead lump.  My max was 350 ever, but recently it has ranged from 274 to 300... until I started figuring out how to get food in my face regularly... that's as much as 40 off, a 13% sale, but the bottom line hasn't been reached either!

Just... do it.

Time to begin closing up public shop.

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Since I thought I was, pretty much, unread, I left things pretty open hereabouts.  No one commented save a few, really just one now, and even he hasn't been saying much lately.  Heck, no one I knew admitted to reading here, if recently people I knew asked if they could call me Doom (supposedly based on my email name if I knew better).  I have had suspicions, but I just let them linger, not really investigating the truth.  Just as you might suspect someone knows more about you then they let on but in your busy day you do not have the time to investigate, beside which you don't really... how to put this... care.  However, I think that time is over.  This blog was only ever a place for my thoughts.  They are unedited, mostly.  They aren't really even for my perusal.  They are just a box to store things that pop up in my head, worry me, make me angry, points to think about, even quite often playing the devil's advocate, or make some poetic, real, or imagined idea of what and who I am, what the world could, should, should not, might, in my belief, will be, or even a purposeful mischaracterization of reality to try to get to the bone through the meat, show my disgust, or see what the pig looks like without lipstick.

Children cannot be expected to understand, that often includes actual children, liberals, and many or most women.  Many women, for example, love poetry because they can believe that it is about them, for them, to them.  Liberals fail to comprehend their own assholes, so often look to fill the void.  Denying God and His truth leaves a HUGE void.  Children just aren't capable of understanding, beside being strangled by their mother's apron strings and neurosis.  Sure, there are some women I would allow to continue reading here.  I can think of three, even if I don't think they always get it (if I can't even say I always "get it" though either as there often isn't a point, and it doesn't always make sense nor is it supposed to make sense... rambling thoughts, dreams, etc.), I do believe they are mature enough to let it be or even... comment (such brave lasses) if they like and even once in a rare occasion if they don't like the notions presented here.  And, I was teasing.  Commenting here, good or bad, would never get you in trouble by me.  If I might ask you to ponder the thing on your own tree of woe.  I live on the tree of woe so I don't mind handing out that homework.

I will be looking over how to limit access, and how to make it stick, in this next week or two.  And can't say I will definitively limit access, but at this point it seems the wiser choice.  There may be no point to it, the worst of the liberal types seem to be exceptional hackers.  If people who disagree with things would comment, that would be different.  But when they disagree and simply sulk in the shadows, are people with whom I have association in the real world, and they snipe or jeer in real life, I won't allow that.  Either stand up and be counted or sit down and shut up, you can't have it both ways... you begin looking like an enemy, a threat.  Oh, you say, but that doesn't mean anything.  Oh?  Look at what lefties do when someone doesn't do what they like.  I have to wonder what these little people have done to stab, or try to stab, me in the back.

I'll simply be considering this idea, looking at options, and such, over the next week or two.  All other discussions, thoughts, and activities will no longer be written here, for now.  Sound the alarm, to general quarters and stations!  Man the guns and damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!

Well?

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Okay, I did get my shower, had time to air dry, put out my clothes, checked when Mass was to be held, set the alarm, and...  I didn't hear the alarm.  But I had set it to go off early enough that I noticed the problem in time to alter my behavior.  So, I dressed, fed the cats, got tobacco out of my mouth and stopped eating and drinking for the full hour before Mass was to begin.  I headed out early, but I always forget about how thick traffic is around noon.  Still, I made it in plenty of time.

Home.  I always feel that way in Church.  I simply do.  Not a living quarters type of home, more.  Plenty early I took my time going in, in the breezeway.  I thought about the first and Second temples.  Considered that the Second temple became the template for this new temple I was standing in.  Just thoughts, I don't know if there is meaning to them, but to me it is a way of finding my way back, from out here.  I am always frightened like a rabbit when returning after not having been to Mass in a long while.  My throat constricts, I can sometimes barely breath, talk, say the prayers, sing.  Like a dog at the end of his leash.  Why?  Many reasons.  I am not sinless, but... more.  People too, but they aren't the largest or even a huge part of it unless the pews are packed.  Today was no different.

I approached the font and crossed, I went to my pew and kneeled, I entered my pew and went to my knees.  I like to pray longer, but when in the scared rabbit phase it is difficult to still my mind.  I offered my prayers.  I have learned to ask for Mary's intercession.  Christ is her very beloved son, Jesus, after all.  She was filled with grace, a thing I do not believe fades.  I remembered at least the important things, a few notions about blessings I have, and closed by crossing.

I have done... something...  No, not a sin, this time.  At the last KoC meeting, our District Grand Knight was present.  As I mentioned, we were both there early.  But the thing that caught my attention, was later, when he was addressing us as a group and in an official capacity.  He asked if we had officer jewels.  No, not real jewels, but badges, or ribbons, worn around the neck, for the stations.  We did not.  He didn't comment but I... noted the look.  Yes, I am prone to note such things.  I had told the group that I would purchase a flag, long ago but the notion remained.  When I got home that night I went to look for the flag.  Finding it I put it in my 'shopping cart'.  But I noticed the word "jewel" in there... somewhere.  I had to hunt and peck to find it again, and it wasn't the first word in a list of words but a middle word and in smaller print.

Finding it I began to explore.  I don't have a lapel pin for my new rank as a KoC 4th degree yet, either, so I had been looking for it too.  In any case, I found the jewels.  They aren't hugely expensive, and I did feel... a bit of shame from that look.  Thin skinned much?  In any case, I put most of them in the 'shopping cart', what I could afford if the group decides not to reimburse me.  I am hoping they will reimburse me for some of them, but some of them are to simply be a gift... a starter, a beginning of possibly more official standing.

In any case, one of the jewels is for the group's Chaplain, which is usually the local father.  As I approached father, as I was leaving, I tried to ask him if he was indeed the groups Chaplain, if so whether he had the jewels for the office.  He... reacted in a way that was troubling.  My voice was shot from the tension I was under and the little I had said and sung, and no fluid for two hours as well, so I wondered if that was it.  Or if there was... something else?  I just suggested I would speak to him at another time.

When I returned to my vehicle, a little shaken, got in, started it, I headed for a bite to eat before doing my other listed events.  After lunch I returned to my vehicle and hopped in, lit it up, and... it smelled like cat feces.  Oh NO!  Do I smell like that?  Is that what the problem is?  I simply don't know.  All I know is I canceled today's proposed events and I mean to clean this home from top to bottom.  I don't know how I will get it done.  Now, coming back home, with the windows down, it still smelled a bit like that, so maybe... I'm just overreacting to a very busy priest who really did have other things to do RIGHT AWAY.  Seriously.  Or... I dunno.  I don't have a volunteer sniffer.  Maybe that is my problem at the groups?  I simply cannot tell.  I don't get that reaction everywhere and always, as it would seem I should.  I just don't know.  No, my car is shut up in the garage, the girls can't get in to stink it or the surround up.  Could I have stepped in something (as poop smells like poop whether cat, dog, or several other critters to my nose).  Being on the bottom of my shoe it doesn't always reach my nose in a... timely manner.  I just don't know.  But it bugs me.  I just can't be running around if I do smell like that.

So, for the next week, I do nothing but clean, clean, clean, air out the place, clean some more, until I... feel safe to go out.  Well, I best get to it...  Save... I have run all out of steam.  I could have coasted through the rest of today, but I can't stack more on it.  I sure hope I can get this sorted out though, and very soon.  Tomorrow?  I can't go out in public until I... have done what I can do.  No KoC meeting this week, no more Masses.  All clothes will have to be washed, all bedding, the cat litter pans will have to be cleaned and again and maybe again.  The floors will have to be vacuumed, swept, and mopped, trash will have to go forward and probably bagged and tagged at least every other day...  Gah!  Hmm, is that what supercharges women?  I bet it is.

Oh, my dentist had told me that my toothpicks, those plastic ones, were no substitute for flossing.  Now, I sort of believed him (if I argued, always do don't I?).  It has been... a while... since I brushed or flossed, but those 'picks are always in my mouth, exploring, picking, pulling, removing... after every meal (I HATE stuff in my teeth!), even while I chew...  Anyway, in prep for Church today, I decided to floss after the shower.  That floss didn't get a thing out.  No-thing came out.  No gunk, no junk, to slime, no nothing.  I brushed, which DID pull stuff off discoloration.  By the way, you do realize that originally dentists only recommended flossing.  Brushing was merely an additive to home care because people hated the taste (and smell?) of just flossing.   I brushed when I showered, then again right before the hour before going to Mass.  Actually, that... might have caused the smell too...  Just... if I haven't done that in a while it somehow opens up all the old stuff to fresh air, and it's not a happy thing.

No, doesn't matter.  Clean, clean, clean, clean, air, clean, wash, clean, air...  Argh!

Sorry about the book...  Upset.

WOW! Just wow!

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Oh, nothing too fancy.  It is just that for the first time in... weeks? months?  I am awake.  I am actually fully awake.  I think my body has been hacked too, unlocked, maybe even over-clocked.  It seems to be... at my command again.  This morning is chill.  I wondered if that might be it, but no.  Like when it was hot and I was really down, it wasn't in the end the heat at all.  And more it has been chilly for... a while now, in the early morning.  I just couldn't tell, didn't know, couldn't feel.  The Lord knows I love days like this.  Carpe Sulum Diem

And, I have things to do.  I need to get to town, maybe get to Mass if my mind and body can coordinate.  I then need to do something about my vehicle tags.  And finally I need to get my friend out.  I don't know if he has something scheduled today and I don't know how long this will last.  I can only try with what I have, right?  Son, this is wonderful.  This isn't how every day needs to be, but it is how I believe most people live.  If they don't start out this way they have to achieve at least this level or they would not be able to work.  This is absolute minimum for most of you, and it won't last long, but I have it right now.

A new computer?

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Maybe, maybe, I keep looking.  Yeah, my problem, as I said, is that every time I went component hunting I ended up with more in the bag than my wallet would allow.  And with sellers it seems they have a price they want to sell computers, they have components they want to push, and it is even more difficult to get past their "sales", options, or even sometimes not get liquid cooling.  Bleh.  Heck, really, I shouldn't.  And, most likely, I won't.  Honestly, I really can't.  As... if that has stopped me before.  In my small silly little way I have lived a much larger-than-life existence.  Oh, it is only larger when viewed through the optics of a pair of fools epic glasses(tm), though given the constraints it was at least a interesting life.  Not that... that should be the goal?  Yeah, I'm pretty sure that shouldn't be the goal, you lose more than you gain.  Then again and too, I don't think it was ever the goal.  I just couldn't stand still.  I had to see what was over there, who she was, what the fuss was about.  A victim of my own... curiosity?

Never mind.  I just woke up and my mind is walking around doing in thought what I used to do in flesh.  The thing is I found a site that offered a computer build in the price range I think I could handle in the nearer future, or sooner if pressed.  So I went shopping.  NewEgg is my preferred store if I have heard another is good too.  So many... problems though, with a self-build.  Simply the build itself can be somewhere between annoying and hair-pulling sessions (which actually I like until/unless it gets expensive).  Buying all at once means warranties are easier to store together, along with a copy of the receipt.  Buying at one place limits some problems with dealing with multiple venders.  But some components are poison.  Once they are out of the store's stock they just hand out the manufacturer's phone number and wish you luck.  The thing about buying all at once also means that putting the monster together in short order, thus being able to test everything live and on fire, means the chances of the 30 day store warranty on what it does warrant is worth the e-paper it is written on.

So, $1500 was the target price.  Alright.  No double SSD start-up drives (for as much reliability as possible for the unreliable but zipper quick drives).  Check.  Actually, not even a double hard drive system, or even one 10k spin drive.  Check.  A middling cpu and video board, if that leaves room for a top end motherboard to upgrade when prices drop for the currently top end components being foregone.  Check but good enough, easily, for my apps.  I didn't compromise on the case if I didn't get my hearts desire either by half.  I added 16GB memory in 8x2 (if only ddr3 1600), with latency at 9 (good enough for gaming).  I cut and changed and added, and got the price to $1499...  Oh!  But shipping!  That can be murder.  I put that in, fearing a hundred or two, or more?!?  Nope, 3-day pushed that to $1515.32.  Gah!  But am I a man of my convictions?  Well, right now, I'm running like a little girl from her first kiss.  Love hurts...  At least I know it is possible, with a lot of compromise (if still 10 times the machine I have, and fully functional... well that last would be in my fumble bunny hands).  Hmm, no OS though.  Honestly thinking about going PC-BSD though... Gah... hardware... I aimed for PC-BSD but I would have to comb over tons of real (not just general) information on comparability.   I'm also thinking about having a duel or triple OS system, getting in on Linux has always been... a consideration.  And while I don't care for Windows, it offers... comparability the others simply don't, if the security difference is massive.  I would want to... cage any form of Windows I got, perhaps mostly not even allowing it internet access except in very controlled ways for very specific purposes.  The mind does wander in the toy store though doesn't it?

Cats have been fed, I am rested, it's cool enough for at least warm coffee which I am quaffing atm.  Sam has been "let" out.  She started gagging and I started my ogre routine.  She knows that means it's time to go.  She is usually waiting at the door even if I run past her, somehow.  I do pet her, at the door, to let her know I do love her, I just don't want to clean more barf off my carpet.  Even if she is snarfing somewhere I didn't see her, and behind me as I head to the back door, she ends up being there at the door ahead of me and waiting, whisping to the back door ahead of me like smoke.  She is good at... not being seen, heard, or felt.  And I am more than average at detection.  Love that girl for her ways!  Well, obviously, only... some of them.

Good morning, by the way.

Not asleep, not awake.

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I somehow get the feeling that I know what a zombie would feel like.  I simply can't sleep.  But I am definitely not firing on all eight cylinders.  I've got five going on idle, if I pushed it I could get a sixth, and if I hammer it to redline I might get all eight right before the engine caught on fire.  Have you ever been out in the desert for a while, on foot, and been out of water, with a dusty breeze and the sun in your eyes, for some number of hours.  My eyes feel like that.  On the good side I have plenty of water, I don't have to walk anywhere, and my skin isn't crispy.  But I can see the Ireland on the horizon if I look closely enough.  Yeah, I think I take the thousand yard stare just right to the edge.  Gosh, I hope that is Ireland and not some distant planet?

While I can't control my thoughts at this time, sort of like what most people go through while dreaming, my mind really is free to explore ideas.  I should be careful about commenting at this point too.  Most people really live in very small tight prisons of their own design.  Anything that might expose that they are in a prison, or more that there is a way out, is treated as if I was about to pour hot molten metal on them.  So many are so stuck and so afraid.  I tell you, as one who knows, do not fear on this planet.  Not even death should be feared, only... grudgingly... respected... but only of flesh.  You will see, in time, that it is nothing.  You will see death as a silly ritual for graduating.  Uhrm, unless you are bound to the world, which will die, along with you if you cling to it.  And they call me gloomy!  Cheers.

It has been somewhat depressing to have been so battered because of obvious to me truths and doubts.  Oh, it isn't just online.  I have seen men I thought I was in league with, who must read here once in a while... in limbo between respect, even honor, and a form of loathing toward me.  Of course, no one says what is on their minds.  Which is worse.  I am not even sure which thing I said, wrote, or did caused such a reaction.  If it is simply something that is true, of God or from His words or Christ's actions, I have no room for debate.  If it is one of the arrows that I as a blind man cast at the world I might certainly clarify, or even negotiate.  But I don't know so I can't do a thing.  Then again, it is the political season, and an important one, maybe the final one.  People are more on edge in every way, and... for good reason.  We don't vote on a president, policies, the future... we will be voting on freedom and... some of us are not even sure of that.  Okay, the moniker "gloomy" stays.

It has been partly cloudy.  It seems so much darker than that though, somehow.  Moods are certainly a part to the sense of things, but like the snake that consumes itself, it is difficult to know what is mood, what is sense, and which is the precursor and which the follower.  I know my heart is struggling, beyond all this.  I simply don't know which, if one even is, started the depressing state I am in.  Never to worry, as I said I am neither dying nor will I stay depressed long.  Well, for those of you who are hoping for a relief, I hate to tell you but I may well outlive you to both our bane.

On to... something else.  I don't know what.  I am not even able to think clearly about what to do.  It will just happen or it won't.  Good... day?  Wow, yeah, it is day, evening, and I am... still up. 

Way too tired.

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I have been staying up until 14:30 for the last few days.  I won't be today.  I thought about taking a nap earlier just never got to it.  I try to busy myself with little things.  Reading blogs, the shorter the articles the better, and really the less complicated the better, gaming, research... all little.  I won't be figuring out a new stratagem for Republicans, libertarians, or conservatives to be sure.  I post, for what it is worth.  I seem to be making everyone angry.  Well, that is my lot in life I suppose.  Anyway, I won't be making it to 14:30 today.  I don't know how I did it yesterday, if I know I pushed way beyond what I should have.

Do you remember Home Alone?  The movie?  I saw a kid recently out and about, who I suspect reads here (don't ask, kids... get into everything).  He had that look that the kid in the movie had when he was frightened after seeing me.  I suspect he knows something about who was in my house.  Fear, I'll tell you, and kids can't hide it.  If it was him he has nothing to worry about.  If he simply knew about who was doing it, I think he will be... talking to them.  There is something about putting the fear of God into a child that is both pleasing and... unpalatable... at the same time.  That is usually a job for parents, though I think his parents do a good job of that in an honest way.  It's the part of parenting no one really... signed up for.  Still, if it saves trouble in the future, I'm good with it.  Yeah, I had to work at not laughing when I saw the look though.  Kids are just too funny sometimes.

What is it about what I say, even just as a minor notion, or such, that really roils people?  Are people really so isolated that they never have heard a different idea?  Are they so political that they can't take a step back and look at their candidate?  You can say anything you want to me, with some modicum of respect, and I'll listen.  I might end up telling you it is simply foolish and I don't believe a word of it, but I'll give you your shot at defending, convincing.  If you just say it.  Most people really can't handle... different.  In person I have to be much more careful with words.  I don't know if my size is the issue, my solid way of speaking could be part of it, but even when I am gentle, respectful, or such, my words seem to be even "louder" than how I write.  Even when I am using low, even soft, tones.  I dunno.  I think the people are quite thin-skinned.  That's all I'm saying.  If that hurts your feelings, go talk to Hellen...

Oh, Hellen?  Ms. Wait deals with complaints for me.  Just... don't dicker, don't tarry, go straight to Hellen Wait.  Bah!

Good night. Hmm, time does fly. It is nearly 15:30! Weird, I thought it was... around 9:30, 10:00 maybe... Ah well. All good.