Not asleep, not awake.

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I somehow get the feeling that I know what a zombie would feel like.  I simply can't sleep.  But I am definitely not firing on all eight cylinders.  I've got five going on idle, if I pushed it I could get a sixth, and if I hammer it to redline I might get all eight right before the engine caught on fire.  Have you ever been out in the desert for a while, on foot, and been out of water, with a dusty breeze and the sun in your eyes, for some number of hours.  My eyes feel like that.  On the good side I have plenty of water, I don't have to walk anywhere, and my skin isn't crispy.  But I can see the Ireland on the horizon if I look closely enough.  Yeah, I think I take the thousand yard stare just right to the edge.  Gosh, I hope that is Ireland and not some distant planet?

While I can't control my thoughts at this time, sort of like what most people go through while dreaming, my mind really is free to explore ideas.  I should be careful about commenting at this point too.  Most people really live in very small tight prisons of their own design.  Anything that might expose that they are in a prison, or more that there is a way out, is treated as if I was about to pour hot molten metal on them.  So many are so stuck and so afraid.  I tell you, as one who knows, do not fear on this planet.  Not even death should be feared, only... grudgingly... respected... but only of flesh.  You will see, in time, that it is nothing.  You will see death as a silly ritual for graduating.  Uhrm, unless you are bound to the world, which will die, along with you if you cling to it.  And they call me gloomy!  Cheers.

It has been somewhat depressing to have been so battered because of obvious to me truths and doubts.  Oh, it isn't just online.  I have seen men I thought I was in league with, who must read here once in a while... in limbo between respect, even honor, and a form of loathing toward me.  Of course, no one says what is on their minds.  Which is worse.  I am not even sure which thing I said, wrote, or did caused such a reaction.  If it is simply something that is true, of God or from His words or Christ's actions, I have no room for debate.  If it is one of the arrows that I as a blind man cast at the world I might certainly clarify, or even negotiate.  But I don't know so I can't do a thing.  Then again, it is the political season, and an important one, maybe the final one.  People are more on edge in every way, and... for good reason.  We don't vote on a president, policies, the future... we will be voting on freedom and... some of us are not even sure of that.  Okay, the moniker "gloomy" stays.

It has been partly cloudy.  It seems so much darker than that though, somehow.  Moods are certainly a part to the sense of things, but like the snake that consumes itself, it is difficult to know what is mood, what is sense, and which is the precursor and which the follower.  I know my heart is struggling, beyond all this.  I simply don't know which, if one even is, started the depressing state I am in.  Never to worry, as I said I am neither dying nor will I stay depressed long.  Well, for those of you who are hoping for a relief, I hate to tell you but I may well outlive you to both our bane.

On to... something else.  I don't know what.  I am not even able to think clearly about what to do.  It will just happen or it won't.  Good... day?  Wow, yeah, it is day, evening, and I am... still up.