Hate!?!

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Absolutely.  And, not at all.  I have been called a hater, prejudiced, and many other things.  And, perhaps to a child it would seem that way.  I do hate.  The sin.  Not the sinner.  What of those who hold their sin, knowingly, and keep it selfishly?  Those cases are, at best, difficult.  For whatever reason I see sin so plainly.  I am not like those who can just ignore, or learn to not see, walking on as if nothing was amiss.  Much like an emergency medical person couldn't simply walk away while some one savable was dying.  I just can't do it.  There are times and places where there is nothing to be said or done, but... it is noted.

My last lady friend kept digging on this.  She just couldn't understand.  She personalized, sometimes with the sin, sometimes with the doer of the sin.  She didn't consider homosexuality a sin, until a lesbian started... liking her.  Even then she didn't consider it a sin, per se, more a personal inconvenience.  I tried to help her, asking her what if she was a child and this was occurring, sort of to move on to the notion that we are all children in many ways?  She does understand, I think, to a degree, that pedophilia is a sin.  And she definitely believes rape is a sin.  But I think that is because those have bit her in the ass.  Why people can't... go that extra step, and see what hurts others, uses others, destroys others, is a sin, I cannot say.

Perhaps I read the bible one too many times in my youth?  Perhaps I was simply created to see.  It is a bit of a curse.  To see inside to another human's soul is sometimes even less glamorous than digging through a garbage pit for lunch.  I don't know why I see, or react to, sin as I do.  I just know, even my own, sin just... hurts.  It is this nature that hurts those around me, more the ones who want their sin, but too those who just want to ignore that sin is real and should not be tolerated, exploited, and that we can't simply forgive it.  The doer of the sin has to seek forgiveness, and at least honestly attempt to change their way.  That last is as good as it gets for us, here, now.  And more, if the sin is also truly illegal, it needs to be punished.  Forgiveness from sin doesn't alleviate the need for criminal punishment.  That doesn't mean priests are to run to the cops, that honestly isn't what they do or are allowed to do.  It... isn't their area.  But if it is serious enough, they do have an obligation to "work" with that particular individual.  And my guess is that they do, if possible.  Then again, what do you do with a mobster or such?  Pray, most likely, for honest priests.

Anyway, yeah.  Just... feeling the fire sometimes, I decided to write about it.

Oh, I have, finally, officially, decided to dedicate my suffering to those in purgatory.  For the relief of their souls, their suffering, to shorten their wait.  I have thought about it.  I didn't want to quite do it, as I thought it might be a bit of a surrender to "the way it is".  And while that may be partly true, it doesn't mean I am quitting, giving up, or anything.  Suffering would be nothing without the effort to change it, the willingness to fight it, the boldness to try and walk away from it even if seemingly without legs.  But I am here, at last, with no place to go with my condition.  While I hated the notion of being psychologically damaged, at least there was some hope I could overcome that with sheer will.  This... the heart being so damaged... 15% ejection refraction...  I can't undo it and medicines... probably can't either.  I suspect they were lying to me about it helping or increasing heart function.  All it might, and I do mean might, do is... give me a few more years of life, probably at the cost of function.  It will not really increase my ability to pump blood.  Such liars.  Reminds me of my mom!  Ugh... Take this, it tastes bad but will make you feel better.  Sure, after you vomit everything you ate for the last week.  And even then it only helped sometimes, when it was what you ate that was making you sick for example.  :p  Thanks, mom.  Hehe