.
.
Yeah, sure, I can't always do what I want, when I want. Taking shots at things, backing off, going after something else, until I can't or fall. The rescheduling according to what is felt is needed more when I rise again. It's a bugs life, but it is the life I have. Today was a good day, as was yesterday. I won't say I am whipping things into shape. It's more a very gentle spanking. :) Hey, but it's what I have to give.
More of the same tomorrow, plus spraying for bugs and setting up the hoses, sprinklers, and timer to get the lawn watered, finally. Not green, not at all. Bleh. After that, if I have it to give, more work in the house. It isn't great but it is a vast improvement and I am not close to done. I will be backing off this weekend. I will need it. But I won't be completely quitting either. There are a few little things I am hoping to tend. Like my desk, here, and a few small areas. That and cleaning the bathroom floor and sealing the toilet properly. I have the silicone calk and calk gun. So it's just a matter of cleaning up the area, again, and laying the bead. Hey, it's the only lay I've had in nearly a decade, and the only one in my immediate future. :p
Good night.
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Moving along.
.
.
Cleaning and straightening isn't like any other chore. You are done when you are done, but there are levels completeness, and yet you are never done, ever. Often that disturbs me, when trying to complete such tasks. Not this time. I seem to be able to ignore that aspect and just do this, that, and the next thing. However, it does make it difficult to gauge, or express. It has gotten a bit too hot to work. I'll put the AC on, and game for a while, perhaps doing more this afternoon. I don't know.
Oh, there is much yet to do. And when I get to a certain point of completion, I am still hitting... confusion. How to more fully organize, where the last bits need to go or whether they should simply be tossed. I have some limits, and I tire of that sort of work. Instead of just hitting a road block, I have been simply hitting another area. I am not doing a lot of work, or fast, when I work. But I have been able to keep a somewhat steady pace. When I work. An hour or two at a time, a three or four times so far today.
I did find the inseticide! With that, and the sprayer, getting the outside treated, tomorrow, is on the list. And setting up the sprinklers. I may have to seed some areas. It's looking pretty rough out there. I will want to try to do those things early, before it gets too hot.
Things are starting to make sense. Slowly. It is wonderful, though, to walk into a room that is even a quarter better than before. And, as I clear and clean, I see more that needs to be done, sometimes doing it on the spot. I don't know what is pushing the train, it sure as hell isn't the caboose. My caboose prefers that latter part of the notion regarding motion... things at rest tend to want to stay at rest. And rest it does, and wants.
I am hoping to figure out how to get to town soon. Ketchup, bread of some sort, cream, and milk, at least. Oh, and the stuff at the hardware store. Just two stores this time. I have to keep it simple and that is already a bit complex. Luckily, the grocery store I know and the hardware store will probably stock those chemicals near one another. Early or late, just not at noon, it's simply too much for my preferences. And I do get grumpy. Hmm, but on the upside, a "free" meal. Treat for tat. Later.
.
Cleaning and straightening isn't like any other chore. You are done when you are done, but there are levels completeness, and yet you are never done, ever. Often that disturbs me, when trying to complete such tasks. Not this time. I seem to be able to ignore that aspect and just do this, that, and the next thing. However, it does make it difficult to gauge, or express. It has gotten a bit too hot to work. I'll put the AC on, and game for a while, perhaps doing more this afternoon. I don't know.
Oh, there is much yet to do. And when I get to a certain point of completion, I am still hitting... confusion. How to more fully organize, where the last bits need to go or whether they should simply be tossed. I have some limits, and I tire of that sort of work. Instead of just hitting a road block, I have been simply hitting another area. I am not doing a lot of work, or fast, when I work. But I have been able to keep a somewhat steady pace. When I work. An hour or two at a time, a three or four times so far today.
I did find the inseticide! With that, and the sprayer, getting the outside treated, tomorrow, is on the list. And setting up the sprinklers. I may have to seed some areas. It's looking pretty rough out there. I will want to try to do those things early, before it gets too hot.
Things are starting to make sense. Slowly. It is wonderful, though, to walk into a room that is even a quarter better than before. And, as I clear and clean, I see more that needs to be done, sometimes doing it on the spot. I don't know what is pushing the train, it sure as hell isn't the caboose. My caboose prefers that latter part of the notion regarding motion... things at rest tend to want to stay at rest. And rest it does, and wants.
I am hoping to figure out how to get to town soon. Ketchup, bread of some sort, cream, and milk, at least. Oh, and the stuff at the hardware store. Just two stores this time. I have to keep it simple and that is already a bit complex. Luckily, the grocery store I know and the hardware store will probably stock those chemicals near one another. Early or late, just not at noon, it's simply too much for my preferences. And I do get grumpy. Hmm, but on the upside, a "free" meal. Treat for tat. Later.
The smallest of things.
.
.
I had set out, today, with clearing and cleaning the kitchen. I figured there would be little parts of other areas that would get hit as I began collecting collections into some sort of order. The notion of organization that hit me seemed reasonable. But... I am me. I didn't think this would go well, or far. And? It has gone much more smoothly, deeply, and quickly than I could have imagined, would have dreamed.
I am not there yet. But I can see the table, a full half of the table top. And much of what is there will remain... a centerpiece mat, a napkin holder... two actually of which one will be filled and taken to the living room, enough space was cleared that my medicine bowl (with all pill form medicines) was able to be taken to the table where it belongs, etc. I do need to organize the table better, and do a bit more work. But it is possible. Probable.
I have been collecting tools, even sorting them into particular groupings by area or tool chest. I have been getting rid of mail that is very old, if unread, most of it. Even here, in the computer room, I have started some arranging. Things to be thrown away, things to go to the garage. While taking a break I see a tool, or as I find bits that are to go to the garage, I bring them in with the other items to go there. Other areas, than those, are being hit. Just because they are in the right place at the right time in between this and that.
A bit amazed. Pleased, but still not confident. There is much more to do. I don't know if this is a quirk or a flow. I'll know in a couple of days I suppose. It's too hot to do much outside, but in a few days to a week there may be rain on the way. Perhaps as soon as Saturday, if that is supposed to be very minor. Still, cooling things off just a bit wouldn't be all bad. Perhaps enough for a hike? If I was up to it? Don't know. But I would certainly like to get out, again, and soon. Hmm, probably not a hike, not this week. But maybe a chance to get to the store. Canned milk just isn't a great creamer. It is simply better than nothing, or reconstituted milk, if even that will do in a pinch.
I do need a longer break, so... gaming. And maybe more hamburgers. I don't have ketchup. Hamburgers without it are just a bit dry. Bleh. Maybe tuna "salad" on those buns. Still a bit dry but it might be better. Later.
.
I had set out, today, with clearing and cleaning the kitchen. I figured there would be little parts of other areas that would get hit as I began collecting collections into some sort of order. The notion of organization that hit me seemed reasonable. But... I am me. I didn't think this would go well, or far. And? It has gone much more smoothly, deeply, and quickly than I could have imagined, would have dreamed.
I am not there yet. But I can see the table, a full half of the table top. And much of what is there will remain... a centerpiece mat, a napkin holder... two actually of which one will be filled and taken to the living room, enough space was cleared that my medicine bowl (with all pill form medicines) was able to be taken to the table where it belongs, etc. I do need to organize the table better, and do a bit more work. But it is possible. Probable.
I have been collecting tools, even sorting them into particular groupings by area or tool chest. I have been getting rid of mail that is very old, if unread, most of it. Even here, in the computer room, I have started some arranging. Things to be thrown away, things to go to the garage. While taking a break I see a tool, or as I find bits that are to go to the garage, I bring them in with the other items to go there. Other areas, than those, are being hit. Just because they are in the right place at the right time in between this and that.
A bit amazed. Pleased, but still not confident. There is much more to do. I don't know if this is a quirk or a flow. I'll know in a couple of days I suppose. It's too hot to do much outside, but in a few days to a week there may be rain on the way. Perhaps as soon as Saturday, if that is supposed to be very minor. Still, cooling things off just a bit wouldn't be all bad. Perhaps enough for a hike? If I was up to it? Don't know. But I would certainly like to get out, again, and soon. Hmm, probably not a hike, not this week. But maybe a chance to get to the store. Canned milk just isn't a great creamer. It is simply better than nothing, or reconstituted milk, if even that will do in a pinch.
I do need a longer break, so... gaming. And maybe more hamburgers. I don't have ketchup. Hamburgers without it are just a bit dry. Bleh. Maybe tuna "salad" on those buns. Still a bit dry but it might be better. Later.
An early wake.
.
.
I had hoped to sleep until 5:00. I woke at 3:30, again. I stayed in bed until 4:30, just resting, trying to grasp sleep back. At that point I surrendered to the call to wake. All good though. Teeth brushed, a cup of coffee, and about to feed the girls. Never feed them when you first wake or they will try to wake you. Actually, they won't be fed for several more hours. I don't want them to equate my waking with their sleep. Some days I just do it automatically, without thinking.
Today? The kitchen. As much as I can do. Bits of organizing as I go. The trick to organization is two-fold. Likes or similars with likes or similars. Then keeping it that way and defining and redefining what is similar. Of course, along the way, one must design, purchase, create spaces and places for the various objects that belong together. It is no easy task. Memory is required to make those locations accessible. It isn't scent, mostly, that allows a squirrel to find it's hidden food, but memory, with olfactory as a function once memory has worked it's magic to within the range where smell can help. So it is with arranging a household for humans, if other cues might also be used, and scent being rarely a part of it. So, with this new concept in mind, as I prepare to clean and bring order to my life, I have some hope of arranging things a bit differently.
Oh, the notion of organizing? It just came to me. I am sure others have better ways, definitions, and methods. But I can't use what other people have. I am not in their shoes. I have to keep things very simple in my weak areas, and so I will. At least at first, and see where that gets me. If I get anywhere into this, then, perhaps, I can go on to perfect, or at least improve, on the notions.
.
I had hoped to sleep until 5:00. I woke at 3:30, again. I stayed in bed until 4:30, just resting, trying to grasp sleep back. At that point I surrendered to the call to wake. All good though. Teeth brushed, a cup of coffee, and about to feed the girls. Never feed them when you first wake or they will try to wake you. Actually, they won't be fed for several more hours. I don't want them to equate my waking with their sleep. Some days I just do it automatically, without thinking.
Today? The kitchen. As much as I can do. Bits of organizing as I go. The trick to organization is two-fold. Likes or similars with likes or similars. Then keeping it that way and defining and redefining what is similar. Of course, along the way, one must design, purchase, create spaces and places for the various objects that belong together. It is no easy task. Memory is required to make those locations accessible. It isn't scent, mostly, that allows a squirrel to find it's hidden food, but memory, with olfactory as a function once memory has worked it's magic to within the range where smell can help. So it is with arranging a household for humans, if other cues might also be used, and scent being rarely a part of it. So, with this new concept in mind, as I prepare to clean and bring order to my life, I have some hope of arranging things a bit differently.
Oh, the notion of organizing? It just came to me. I am sure others have better ways, definitions, and methods. But I can't use what other people have. I am not in their shoes. I have to keep things very simple in my weak areas, and so I will. At least at first, and see where that gets me. If I get anywhere into this, then, perhaps, I can go on to perfect, or at least improve, on the notions.
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Odd schedule.
.
.
I am keeping to a day schedule, but a schizophrenic one, sort of. Some nights, like tonight, I am about crashing before getting to bed, and early. Other nights I can't sleep until nearly midnight. Regardless of those things, some mornings I wake at 3:00-4:00, and some mornings I can barely wake at 7:00. Screwy, but... it's within my hoped parameters, I suppose. Tonight, as I mentioned, is an early to bed night. I could have, and perhaps should have, been to bed earlier. Just couldn't wake enough to realize I was so tired, if you know what I mean.
Tomorrow? Hopefully the kitchen. I couldn't get to it today. The search, which is incomplete, absolutely exhausted me, for some reason. Dunno, but... the kitchen, tomorrow. I will tear into it pretty good before I begin searching for the bugacide again. After the kitchen, this room. I want it strip-cleaned. In part to make room for the living room furniture, for when I clean, vacuum, and steam vac that area. Which will stay bare so I can get my bedroom cleared, and cleaned. I can sleep in the spare bedroom until that is done. It's an incentive, it has no air conditioning. Fans can, to a degree, circulate cool air in. But not well. So I will be pushing for that. Then a week or two off.
I ought to check to see if the guys are still interested in making a trip up through Montana, Idaho, and Wyoming. It sure sounds fun to me. I've been hobbled up. But I am breaking free. They might hate me, but... I can be useful once in a while. And, I ain't too bad of company when I can be present. Good night.
.
I am keeping to a day schedule, but a schizophrenic one, sort of. Some nights, like tonight, I am about crashing before getting to bed, and early. Other nights I can't sleep until nearly midnight. Regardless of those things, some mornings I wake at 3:00-4:00, and some mornings I can barely wake at 7:00. Screwy, but... it's within my hoped parameters, I suppose. Tonight, as I mentioned, is an early to bed night. I could have, and perhaps should have, been to bed earlier. Just couldn't wake enough to realize I was so tired, if you know what I mean.
Tomorrow? Hopefully the kitchen. I couldn't get to it today. The search, which is incomplete, absolutely exhausted me, for some reason. Dunno, but... the kitchen, tomorrow. I will tear into it pretty good before I begin searching for the bugacide again. After the kitchen, this room. I want it strip-cleaned. In part to make room for the living room furniture, for when I clean, vacuum, and steam vac that area. Which will stay bare so I can get my bedroom cleared, and cleaned. I can sleep in the spare bedroom until that is done. It's an incentive, it has no air conditioning. Fans can, to a degree, circulate cool air in. But not well. So I will be pushing for that. Then a week or two off.
I ought to check to see if the guys are still interested in making a trip up through Montana, Idaho, and Wyoming. It sure sounds fun to me. I've been hobbled up. But I am breaking free. They might hate me, but... I can be useful once in a while. And, I ain't too bad of company when I can be present. Good night.
A bit slower?
.
.
Perhaps, but I keep stumbling on little things. I did finish the laundry. I tried to gather enough for another load but that didn't pan out. I needed a break and took one. One of the, I thought, little things, that I wanted to do, about which I wouldn't write, was finding the bug sprayer, and pesticide, then spraying around my home. It worked very well last time but it is about time to do it again. I was searching for packets of the stuff and the sprayer. I have looked in every place I could imagine and some that I could not imagine. Nope. Finally, in the last place I could even look, I did find the sprayer. Worn out though. I'll look for the gunk later. Although... I may have an idea where it just might be.
Not much else is going to happen today. I did pull the trash bin back from the curb, finally. I simply noticed it while I was searching the garage. Yeah, no sanding today. It's gotten too hot and I was too slow to do it when it was cooler. I turned the ac on for a bit, which helped a great deal. I may have to turn the AC on a couple of times during the day, and if I want to sleep at night. It has a timer on it, so I just run it for a few hours at a time. Just enough to knock the edge off the heat. Outside is absolutely brutal. If I were healthy, it's where I would love to be.
I may go ahead and fry some hamburgers though. I am hungry. A few days of food in a row and I almost get used to the stuff. A little mayo, grill the buns while I am at it, ketchup, mustard, or whatever I have that sounds tasty with it. I could see if the potatoes are still good, and if so, grill/bake a handful. Once cooked, they are great to eat as such, or slice and fry. Hmm... out of sour cream though. It's a must when I am eating potatoes. I really need to get to the store. Tomorrow? Doubtful. Friday would probably be my first chance, if then.
Off to cook, then game, a bit. Up just a few more hours and then I can sleep, I hope, early. Later.
.
Perhaps, but I keep stumbling on little things. I did finish the laundry. I tried to gather enough for another load but that didn't pan out. I needed a break and took one. One of the, I thought, little things, that I wanted to do, about which I wouldn't write, was finding the bug sprayer, and pesticide, then spraying around my home. It worked very well last time but it is about time to do it again. I was searching for packets of the stuff and the sprayer. I have looked in every place I could imagine and some that I could not imagine. Nope. Finally, in the last place I could even look, I did find the sprayer. Worn out though. I'll look for the gunk later. Although... I may have an idea where it just might be.
Not much else is going to happen today. I did pull the trash bin back from the curb, finally. I simply noticed it while I was searching the garage. Yeah, no sanding today. It's gotten too hot and I was too slow to do it when it was cooler. I turned the ac on for a bit, which helped a great deal. I may have to turn the AC on a couple of times during the day, and if I want to sleep at night. It has a timer on it, so I just run it for a few hours at a time. Just enough to knock the edge off the heat. Outside is absolutely brutal. If I were healthy, it's where I would love to be.
I may go ahead and fry some hamburgers though. I am hungry. A few days of food in a row and I almost get used to the stuff. A little mayo, grill the buns while I am at it, ketchup, mustard, or whatever I have that sounds tasty with it. I could see if the potatoes are still good, and if so, grill/bake a handful. Once cooked, they are great to eat as such, or slice and fry. Hmm... out of sour cream though. It's a must when I am eating potatoes. I really need to get to the store. Tomorrow? Doubtful. Friday would probably be my first chance, if then.
Off to cook, then game, a bit. Up just a few more hours and then I can sleep, I hope, early. Later.
Good morning.
.
.
I couldn't sleep until late last night, 23:30 or so. I set the alarm for 7:00, and pretty much made that. After brushing my teeth, I set the dryer to run for a bit, to finish or fluff the last load from yesterday and will get to that by 8:00, probably. It was still 80 in here which is why I was having trouble getting to sleep. At 23:30, it was still 80 in here? Crazy. The AC helped a bit, I'll have to pay attention a bit closer to the temp and run the AC to keep it a bit lower. Though, perhaps, some days, that might just be the way of it. More work planned today, but one thing already off the checklist. I went ahead and washed the counters last night. Actually all horizontal planes in the kitchen, minus the table were washed and well.
Today? Another load of laundry, after the one that is finishing, then the kitchen. The table and floors are really what needs to be hit. And, while doing those floors, some of which need mopped, I will hit the bathroom. I figured out the problem with the bathroom. I'm not the man-pig I had thought! I simply hadn't sealed around the toilet. You see, I had some confusion about that. I didn't realize, even when sealed, that there was spray from that. The leak is from underneath. I have been exceedingly careful, for the last six months, and it is still a mess around there. But, it isn't from me. While that is a relief, and does offer a solution, it is disappointing that I couldn't figured that out earlier. It is so slow, sort of, the way it happens, though, that unless you know, it is easy to not know... Live and learn. So, after cleaning the bathroom floor, I will be sealing the toilet. Then I will be sanding the workbench just a touch. I will hold off on more until I purchase the materials I want to use on the top. This will be my first wood treatment project, ever, I think.
.
I couldn't sleep until late last night, 23:30 or so. I set the alarm for 7:00, and pretty much made that. After brushing my teeth, I set the dryer to run for a bit, to finish or fluff the last load from yesterday and will get to that by 8:00, probably. It was still 80 in here which is why I was having trouble getting to sleep. At 23:30, it was still 80 in here? Crazy. The AC helped a bit, I'll have to pay attention a bit closer to the temp and run the AC to keep it a bit lower. Though, perhaps, some days, that might just be the way of it. More work planned today, but one thing already off the checklist. I went ahead and washed the counters last night. Actually all horizontal planes in the kitchen, minus the table were washed and well.
Today? Another load of laundry, after the one that is finishing, then the kitchen. The table and floors are really what needs to be hit. And, while doing those floors, some of which need mopped, I will hit the bathroom. I figured out the problem with the bathroom. I'm not the man-pig I had thought! I simply hadn't sealed around the toilet. You see, I had some confusion about that. I didn't realize, even when sealed, that there was spray from that. The leak is from underneath. I have been exceedingly careful, for the last six months, and it is still a mess around there. But, it isn't from me. While that is a relief, and does offer a solution, it is disappointing that I couldn't figured that out earlier. It is so slow, sort of, the way it happens, though, that unless you know, it is easy to not know... Live and learn. So, after cleaning the bathroom floor, I will be sealing the toilet. Then I will be sanding the workbench just a touch. I will hold off on more until I purchase the materials I want to use on the top. This will be my first wood treatment project, ever, I think.
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Not fast, just some motion.
.
.
I've done the dishes, and a load of laundry is in the drier, another in the washing machine. And, as I have done bits of that, I have also done a few other things. Just a bit of spot cleaning. I am hoping to finish the laundry and then give the counters a real washing. The other day I just gave them a first dose of the medicine. I didn't have the energy or organization yet to clean them down to brass tacks. If I finish the laundry, and still have a bit of energy, I'll take a shower. I don't quite need one, I just want one. It can't be all work, or just for work.
The kitchen, as well as I can do it, is what will happen tomorrow. Table, floors, and a review of what needs to be tossed. I would like to get to the grocery store, but would have done that days ago if I could have gotten out. As I suggested, this week, probably later in the week, will be my first shot at venturing out. The grocery store, and the hardware store, plus a visit to the post office. I'll look at the weather reports. We did have a cool spell a few days ago, I think. I doubt if we will get another one soon. But perhaps I can try to focus on a day that is supposed to be cooler. It is heating up out there, but... that's good. Summer has it's uses.
I have been keeping up on the litter box, taking my medicine, and working to normalize a day schedule. I would like to add some things to my daily routine, like blood pressure and blood sugar checks, weight, and such. If I plan for every day and only hit three to four checks a week, I could be happy with that. The thing is, I need to keep the kitchen table open for that. At the very least create a cleared spot large enough to handle that effort and the logging of it. But, really, unless I keep the table clear, whole, that won't work. Blindly toss? Probably. Actually, I'm going to be hitting the rest of the cave with that in mind. Since I can't sort... toss. I don't like it, but... Oh, and I need to start getting the lawn watered. Which means dragging out the hoses, setting up the sprinklers, and setting the timer. Tonight, tomorrow, when I can. Later.
.
I've done the dishes, and a load of laundry is in the drier, another in the washing machine. And, as I have done bits of that, I have also done a few other things. Just a bit of spot cleaning. I am hoping to finish the laundry and then give the counters a real washing. The other day I just gave them a first dose of the medicine. I didn't have the energy or organization yet to clean them down to brass tacks. If I finish the laundry, and still have a bit of energy, I'll take a shower. I don't quite need one, I just want one. It can't be all work, or just for work.
The kitchen, as well as I can do it, is what will happen tomorrow. Table, floors, and a review of what needs to be tossed. I would like to get to the grocery store, but would have done that days ago if I could have gotten out. As I suggested, this week, probably later in the week, will be my first shot at venturing out. The grocery store, and the hardware store, plus a visit to the post office. I'll look at the weather reports. We did have a cool spell a few days ago, I think. I doubt if we will get another one soon. But perhaps I can try to focus on a day that is supposed to be cooler. It is heating up out there, but... that's good. Summer has it's uses.
I have been keeping up on the litter box, taking my medicine, and working to normalize a day schedule. I would like to add some things to my daily routine, like blood pressure and blood sugar checks, weight, and such. If I plan for every day and only hit three to four checks a week, I could be happy with that. The thing is, I need to keep the kitchen table open for that. At the very least create a cleared spot large enough to handle that effort and the logging of it. But, really, unless I keep the table clear, whole, that won't work. Blindly toss? Probably. Actually, I'm going to be hitting the rest of the cave with that in mind. Since I can't sort... toss. I don't like it, but... Oh, and I need to start getting the lawn watered. Which means dragging out the hoses, setting up the sprinklers, and setting the timer. Tonight, tomorrow, when I can. Later.
Must have needed sleep.
.
.
I ended up not actually going down until 19:00. Must have pushed it, and didn't get much sleep yesterday. Still, I didn't think I would need to set the alarm. I didn't wake until after 7:00. I did stir earlier, when it was still very dark, but I couldn't wake, neither body or mind. Probably my usual wake time, around 3:00 to 4:00, I would guess, but one of those two has to be functional to drag me awake. A very long sleep, but as I suggested, I probably needed it. Still on medicine like clockwork, which probably isn't quite helping, but verging on that. Another few days to a week and there is some hope I will be back in trim.
Today? Back to the plans. Dishes, which I will reset, a load of laundry in when I do that, a little breather, and then out to sanding and finishing up the work bench. Hmm, before I finish that, I may see if there is some treatment for the wood. Tung oil or linseed oil... still thinking. I know, I know, over-complicating things, perhaps. I'll be reading and deciding, and if I haven't chosen by the time I can get out, and into town, I'll just skip it. But I will sand the surface today. I read that mixing 2 oz. bees wax, a pint of linseed oil, than one pint of linseed oil, coating the top daily until the wood stops absorbing, and sort of like that notion. I've wanted to get boiled linseed oil anyway, to start working on various wood handled tools and some other things. Yeah, yeah... But...
First I have to wake. Medicine has been taken. Food? Not likely. Once a day, for now, until I get back on my feet a little better. When I am more active, food 'happen' more often, naturally. So I don't worry about it. I am quite used to being hungry. And, if I can get the dishes kicked out before too long, I will get a shower taken as well. Another cup of coffee would be great, and a little time to process. Well, right after resetting a hot rinse for the dishes and putting a load of laundry in. Good day.
.
I ended up not actually going down until 19:00. Must have pushed it, and didn't get much sleep yesterday. Still, I didn't think I would need to set the alarm. I didn't wake until after 7:00. I did stir earlier, when it was still very dark, but I couldn't wake, neither body or mind. Probably my usual wake time, around 3:00 to 4:00, I would guess, but one of those two has to be functional to drag me awake. A very long sleep, but as I suggested, I probably needed it. Still on medicine like clockwork, which probably isn't quite helping, but verging on that. Another few days to a week and there is some hope I will be back in trim.
Today? Back to the plans. Dishes, which I will reset, a load of laundry in when I do that, a little breather, and then out to sanding and finishing up the work bench. Hmm, before I finish that, I may see if there is some treatment for the wood. Tung oil or linseed oil... still thinking. I know, I know, over-complicating things, perhaps. I'll be reading and deciding, and if I haven't chosen by the time I can get out, and into town, I'll just skip it. But I will sand the surface today. I read that mixing 2 oz. bees wax, a pint of linseed oil, than one pint of linseed oil, coating the top daily until the wood stops absorbing, and sort of like that notion. I've wanted to get boiled linseed oil anyway, to start working on various wood handled tools and some other things. Yeah, yeah... But...
First I have to wake. Medicine has been taken. Food? Not likely. Once a day, for now, until I get back on my feet a little better. When I am more active, food 'happen' more often, naturally. So I don't worry about it. I am quite used to being hungry. And, if I can get the dishes kicked out before too long, I will get a shower taken as well. Another cup of coffee would be great, and a little time to process. Well, right after resetting a hot rinse for the dishes and putting a load of laundry in. Good day.
Monday, July 21, 2014
Do you ever wonder?
.
.
I dream of things dark. I know what beats in me is beastly, to some who do not understand. Unleashed it could eat the world. True, but it is not by my will, but by His. I have some belief that it is immortal in a unique way. I even have some notion that this is not it's first, or probably last, time here. Divergence, sure. Just notions, though not beyond the pale. Not even theologically.
.
I dream of things dark. I know what beats in me is beastly, to some who do not understand. Unleashed it could eat the world. True, but it is not by my will, but by His. I have some belief that it is immortal in a unique way. I even have some notion that this is not it's first, or probably last, time here. Divergence, sure. Just notions, though not beyond the pale. Not even theologically.
Not much, a bit though.
.
.
I doubt if laundry can go forward. Going out isn't possible. I did get the trash together, and out. Cleaning the cat litter while I was at it. It wasn't completely foul, as I had worried. Bad enough though. Some dumping, some additive, some clearing, and that mess is back in order. I may set the dishes to another hot soak, and try to get to those before I crash. Even that is a bit iffy. When I am feeble, I am feeble. Unless you hit me upside the head with a brick or shoot at me. That's what it takes for some to get their boogie on. Not even sure, in absolute terms, if that choreography is even worth a damn anymore. Certainly not by professional standards.
Oh, I also reset my medicine sets. I have been taking medicine precisely for the last three days. As I suspected, it is both helping and hurting. Feeling better, but it is as if my butt turned to lead. Or... more leaden. :) Race you! To a chair. I'll win that one. Only one chair? I'll floor you. I've also done just a bit of minor tinkering. It doesn't seem like much, but it is a stirring. After weeks of doldrums, even the whisper of some wind is a... bolster to faith that there might be more.
I have been tinkering with my katana, in my down time. No, not really swings or slicing. If you understand one weapon, in essence, you understand them all. A weapon is everything and anything you can control... if some are better than others. A weapon is an object, in one sense, not associated with your biological form. Hands can be weapons, and the primary weapon is the mind, will. But that is esoteric. Quite true, quite visceral, very real, most don't understand such a notion. So I will stick with weapons being foreign objects. The way a firearm is similar to a sword, bow, lance, battle axe, or any other weapon, is that, in all cases, you manipulate the physical, external to your body, in order to strike a target. With the gun, you aim in order to land the bullet to within the tightest tolerances of your skill, the firearm, and the ammunition. With a sword, to begin, you want to control the point of the blade. And, so, I have been practicing getting the tip to touch very small dots.
Oh, I will never truly master a sword. I am decent, with my European hand and a half. But the katana is far too long to be practical. It is more of an art than a weapon. If it might have applications. If I wished to have practical blades, I would choose the ko-katana, and might. I can handle two of those at once. And they are truly far more... precise and sure. Still, it was something to do when the show was being overly melodramatic. The dang thing is sharp though. Learn to respect your tools and they will respect you. Or, really, you will respect yourself by respecting honorably your tools. Depends on if you wish to consider it artistically or practically. I was in a daze, most of the last few weeks, so... But respect rightly and no worries.
Yes, I will rest the dishes to a fresh rinse, goof a bit, do those, then maybe cook a bit or just sleep. I want to push to 17:00, but no more. Yesterday was an aberration caused by frustration in that I had places to go and things to do and did little. The engine was running but the drive could not engage. Even today it is similar. But I do need my sleep as I try to dig out. Later.
.
I doubt if laundry can go forward. Going out isn't possible. I did get the trash together, and out. Cleaning the cat litter while I was at it. It wasn't completely foul, as I had worried. Bad enough though. Some dumping, some additive, some clearing, and that mess is back in order. I may set the dishes to another hot soak, and try to get to those before I crash. Even that is a bit iffy. When I am feeble, I am feeble. Unless you hit me upside the head with a brick or shoot at me. That's what it takes for some to get their boogie on. Not even sure, in absolute terms, if that choreography is even worth a damn anymore. Certainly not by professional standards.
Oh, I also reset my medicine sets. I have been taking medicine precisely for the last three days. As I suspected, it is both helping and hurting. Feeling better, but it is as if my butt turned to lead. Or... more leaden. :) Race you! To a chair. I'll win that one. Only one chair? I'll floor you. I've also done just a bit of minor tinkering. It doesn't seem like much, but it is a stirring. After weeks of doldrums, even the whisper of some wind is a... bolster to faith that there might be more.
I have been tinkering with my katana, in my down time. No, not really swings or slicing. If you understand one weapon, in essence, you understand them all. A weapon is everything and anything you can control... if some are better than others. A weapon is an object, in one sense, not associated with your biological form. Hands can be weapons, and the primary weapon is the mind, will. But that is esoteric. Quite true, quite visceral, very real, most don't understand such a notion. So I will stick with weapons being foreign objects. The way a firearm is similar to a sword, bow, lance, battle axe, or any other weapon, is that, in all cases, you manipulate the physical, external to your body, in order to strike a target. With the gun, you aim in order to land the bullet to within the tightest tolerances of your skill, the firearm, and the ammunition. With a sword, to begin, you want to control the point of the blade. And, so, I have been practicing getting the tip to touch very small dots.
Oh, I will never truly master a sword. I am decent, with my European hand and a half. But the katana is far too long to be practical. It is more of an art than a weapon. If it might have applications. If I wished to have practical blades, I would choose the ko-katana, and might. I can handle two of those at once. And they are truly far more... precise and sure. Still, it was something to do when the show was being overly melodramatic. The dang thing is sharp though. Learn to respect your tools and they will respect you. Or, really, you will respect yourself by respecting honorably your tools. Depends on if you wish to consider it artistically or practically. I was in a daze, most of the last few weeks, so... But respect rightly and no worries.
Yes, I will rest the dishes to a fresh rinse, goof a bit, do those, then maybe cook a bit or just sleep. I want to push to 17:00, but no more. Yesterday was an aberration caused by frustration in that I had places to go and things to do and did little. The engine was running but the drive could not engage. Even today it is similar. But I do need my sleep as I try to dig out. Later.
When asleep and when awake.
.
.
I didn't go down until 23:30 or so. I suspected I would need a full eight hours of sleep, so gave myself nine hours, by the alarm. Hey, an alarm clock is the outfielder counting on my hate of outfielders and batters, as a pitcher, to induce me to clear the innings without a hit. I don't even like baseball. :) Shut up. Yeah, feeling a bit of wit and cock this morning. Rooster must crow! Never the whit. Thing is, I woke a bit before 3:30. *pop* Rather awake and alert, as the assist might suggest. Now, I thought it was 4:30, so I went along with it. Didn't realize the time until I was into full swing, and checked the clock then. No problems, looks to be a good day.
I dreamed last night. Several dreams. One was of corn. They had produced two nearly magical types of the stuff. One could be consumed, and nourish or burn, but remain inviolate. After the process, whatever process, the corn could be harvested fully from what should have been the leavings. Not that, in all cases, even in the dream, would I have recommended that. The other corn was consumed, but not. I don't remember the mechanics of how that worked, perhaps a form of regeneration. In any case, it was I was who tasked with deciding which to use. But there was one company that wanted to obtain all rights to the corn that remained inviolate, and never use it, just keep it as a bargaining chip... like gold. They would not feed the world, create fuel, only manipulate the markets with it. They were brilliant, and evil. I chose to stick with regular corn. No, I am not against gmo's. But these were purely unnatural.
There was another dream, in which God was speaking with me. He offered to allow me to choose the fate of mankind, in various ways. I can't remember all of it, the details of the control. It was sort of a pop quiz on what I thought men should, and should not, be. I erred on the side of letting each man decide what was right and wrong, to seek out his conscience, truth, and God, as he so desired. I don't like how men are. I don't like what we do. I simply do not believe I, or any system at this point but the one God set in motion, should have, or can have, any good results through control, or reality changes, or limits. Agonizingly frustrating, slow, meandering, and hard is the way. But it is the only way to find the gifts God has set for us. And then accept or reject those gifts. Childish, brooding, obstinate, willful, and many other things, but God went through this before us and waits on the other side for those who decide to try maturity. He carries us when we fail, if we simply do not give up. Not a change, not a smidgen, did I request. Only that, in our foolishness, He continue to abide us. Me as much, or more at times, than any other.
I didn't write them, I just had them. Oh, and God said to say hello. :) I must admit, that was one of the most powerful dreams I have ever had. Even while dreaming it I felt... as if in an alternate reality, beyond that of dreamscapes. Time and space seemed to warp, even in the dream. Imagine if a mountain should speak to you using thunder as a voice, while you are deep in space, under water, with massive weightlessness. I don't really know how else to try to explain it. Oh, not that literal, just... on the fringes, I knew the dream was that different. It put me to ease while terrifying me, somehow.
I washed the dishes I had set to soak, then set them to a rinse. I am hoping to put a load of laundry in this morning. Oh, and I didn't get the trash out, so I need to do that in a few hours. I probably can't do two things back to back, so I will finish with the trash, including changing the cat litter, in a few hours. Rest a bit, then start in on laundry. While I was at dishes, I cleaned out the microwave and hit the counters and cooktop. It's just a start on the counters and cooktop, but a decent one, for the day and into recovery.
While I missed three events yesterday, there is another today. It is considered quite important, in my book, as well. I do not know if I can make it, however. It has been so long since I have been out, and on my feet for very long. A man lost his young adult son. A thing that should not happen. His only son. Swimming, pushing his limits, and he drowned. He was with others but they did not see him go down. I would trade my life, but that is not how God set things to happen. I do harbor some jealousy. To know one life and one death? But I can only guess at the pain of the family. I have lost brothers, a woman and child. But not a son I had grown to know, raise. And I can deny, usually do. Just working on the fumes. They are immersed in it. I just don't know if I can make it. I honestly can barely walk. We'll see.
Well, on to another day in the sandbox. Off to a good start, but already with more to do than I think I can do. Some heavies, some light, some work done and remaining. I'll give it a shot. Later.
.
I didn't go down until 23:30 or so. I suspected I would need a full eight hours of sleep, so gave myself nine hours, by the alarm. Hey, an alarm clock is the outfielder counting on my hate of outfielders and batters, as a pitcher, to induce me to clear the innings without a hit. I don't even like baseball. :) Shut up. Yeah, feeling a bit of wit and cock this morning. Rooster must crow! Never the whit. Thing is, I woke a bit before 3:30. *pop* Rather awake and alert, as the assist might suggest. Now, I thought it was 4:30, so I went along with it. Didn't realize the time until I was into full swing, and checked the clock then. No problems, looks to be a good day.
I dreamed last night. Several dreams. One was of corn. They had produced two nearly magical types of the stuff. One could be consumed, and nourish or burn, but remain inviolate. After the process, whatever process, the corn could be harvested fully from what should have been the leavings. Not that, in all cases, even in the dream, would I have recommended that. The other corn was consumed, but not. I don't remember the mechanics of how that worked, perhaps a form of regeneration. In any case, it was I was who tasked with deciding which to use. But there was one company that wanted to obtain all rights to the corn that remained inviolate, and never use it, just keep it as a bargaining chip... like gold. They would not feed the world, create fuel, only manipulate the markets with it. They were brilliant, and evil. I chose to stick with regular corn. No, I am not against gmo's. But these were purely unnatural.
There was another dream, in which God was speaking with me. He offered to allow me to choose the fate of mankind, in various ways. I can't remember all of it, the details of the control. It was sort of a pop quiz on what I thought men should, and should not, be. I erred on the side of letting each man decide what was right and wrong, to seek out his conscience, truth, and God, as he so desired. I don't like how men are. I don't like what we do. I simply do not believe I, or any system at this point but the one God set in motion, should have, or can have, any good results through control, or reality changes, or limits. Agonizingly frustrating, slow, meandering, and hard is the way. But it is the only way to find the gifts God has set for us. And then accept or reject those gifts. Childish, brooding, obstinate, willful, and many other things, but God went through this before us and waits on the other side for those who decide to try maturity. He carries us when we fail, if we simply do not give up. Not a change, not a smidgen, did I request. Only that, in our foolishness, He continue to abide us. Me as much, or more at times, than any other.
I didn't write them, I just had them. Oh, and God said to say hello. :) I must admit, that was one of the most powerful dreams I have ever had. Even while dreaming it I felt... as if in an alternate reality, beyond that of dreamscapes. Time and space seemed to warp, even in the dream. Imagine if a mountain should speak to you using thunder as a voice, while you are deep in space, under water, with massive weightlessness. I don't really know how else to try to explain it. Oh, not that literal, just... on the fringes, I knew the dream was that different. It put me to ease while terrifying me, somehow.
I washed the dishes I had set to soak, then set them to a rinse. I am hoping to put a load of laundry in this morning. Oh, and I didn't get the trash out, so I need to do that in a few hours. I probably can't do two things back to back, so I will finish with the trash, including changing the cat litter, in a few hours. Rest a bit, then start in on laundry. While I was at dishes, I cleaned out the microwave and hit the counters and cooktop. It's just a start on the counters and cooktop, but a decent one, for the day and into recovery.
While I missed three events yesterday, there is another today. It is considered quite important, in my book, as well. I do not know if I can make it, however. It has been so long since I have been out, and on my feet for very long. A man lost his young adult son. A thing that should not happen. His only son. Swimming, pushing his limits, and he drowned. He was with others but they did not see him go down. I would trade my life, but that is not how God set things to happen. I do harbor some jealousy. To know one life and one death? But I can only guess at the pain of the family. I have lost brothers, a woman and child. But not a son I had grown to know, raise. And I can deny, usually do. Just working on the fumes. They are immersed in it. I just don't know if I can make it. I honestly can barely walk. We'll see.
Well, on to another day in the sandbox. Off to a good start, but already with more to do than I think I can do. Some heavies, some light, some work done and remaining. I'll give it a shot. Later.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Okay, more forward than static.
.
.
Not backward either. Three social events today, however, were missed. One I knew about, two I didn't. On most days this summer, I would have been able to make at least one, perhaps two. Today isn't most days. I am doing better, but recovery is painfully slow. After the dishes and shower, I set another load of dishes to go. There isn't much, but... I was feeling perky. Perky? No! How about... able? Yes, that would be it. Within some restraints. I also bagged up trash, and will be getting that out today. Trash day, I think. And, I might try to do a load of laundry.
The events are ones I would dearly have wished to attend. People I know and care about were involved, as the main people. I simply could not get function, or even track time. And I worry about some things. A shower can clean the body, but... I worry if I smell from the cave being let go for so long. Which is why tending the cave is the highest priority. But that wasn't all of it, just a side worry. I honestly couldn't make heads or tails of life enough to figure out how to do what would be required. If I handed most of you a calculus problem, you would feel the same sort of confusion. One thing at a time, slowly, and then maybe another thing.
Laundry would help. And taking out the trash will help. Redoing the cat litter will help. And then opening up the house in the cool parts of the day will help. Showering more often will help. I was walking the walk of life at a gingerly pace there for a bit. I am back to crawling. I do hope I can rise, again, even yet this summer. No promises. Just a hope. But it is one thing at a time, and great focus, at times, to even do that. I am back on my medicine. Well on it. I don't know, for sure, if I need adjustment time or not.
I need to figure out how to get to the store before long. Hopefully this week. No promises. Getting out is a whole level or three above my ability. At the pace I am improving, however, I should be up and back to some normalcy in a week or two. It's just the way it goes.
I have started playing The Last of Us. It is something new to do. At first I really didn't like the game. Then I realized it wasn't the game. I had sought advice before playing, foolishly. While the advice might be good for some aspects, or difficulty levels, of the game, it didn't turn out to be very good in a general way. Well, and learning the controls, when I am down, is... painfully slow. Toss in a dose of cynicism and... there you go. After a bit of trial and error, I have found myself rather enjoying the game. Oddly, I don't... empathize with the lead much. Fact is, it's because we are a bit too close in real terms. Who wants to be a putz that just happens to be barely quicker than the next threat, vulnerable emotionally and physically, and with a learning curve that is a bit difficult? Oh, and in his forties. Never mind. The game might help me... tick my life back up a bit.
Well... I best either put a load of laundry in now, or forget about it? I hate to say it, but I think I will leave that off until tomorrow. I will try to remember to get the trash out. But I am waking early enough that if I can't do it now, I can do it before the truck arrives. Later. And... have a good day, if you can.
.
Not backward either. Three social events today, however, were missed. One I knew about, two I didn't. On most days this summer, I would have been able to make at least one, perhaps two. Today isn't most days. I am doing better, but recovery is painfully slow. After the dishes and shower, I set another load of dishes to go. There isn't much, but... I was feeling perky. Perky? No! How about... able? Yes, that would be it. Within some restraints. I also bagged up trash, and will be getting that out today. Trash day, I think. And, I might try to do a load of laundry.
The events are ones I would dearly have wished to attend. People I know and care about were involved, as the main people. I simply could not get function, or even track time. And I worry about some things. A shower can clean the body, but... I worry if I smell from the cave being let go for so long. Which is why tending the cave is the highest priority. But that wasn't all of it, just a side worry. I honestly couldn't make heads or tails of life enough to figure out how to do what would be required. If I handed most of you a calculus problem, you would feel the same sort of confusion. One thing at a time, slowly, and then maybe another thing.
Laundry would help. And taking out the trash will help. Redoing the cat litter will help. And then opening up the house in the cool parts of the day will help. Showering more often will help. I was walking the walk of life at a gingerly pace there for a bit. I am back to crawling. I do hope I can rise, again, even yet this summer. No promises. Just a hope. But it is one thing at a time, and great focus, at times, to even do that. I am back on my medicine. Well on it. I don't know, for sure, if I need adjustment time or not.
I need to figure out how to get to the store before long. Hopefully this week. No promises. Getting out is a whole level or three above my ability. At the pace I am improving, however, I should be up and back to some normalcy in a week or two. It's just the way it goes.
I have started playing The Last of Us. It is something new to do. At first I really didn't like the game. Then I realized it wasn't the game. I had sought advice before playing, foolishly. While the advice might be good for some aspects, or difficulty levels, of the game, it didn't turn out to be very good in a general way. Well, and learning the controls, when I am down, is... painfully slow. Toss in a dose of cynicism and... there you go. After a bit of trial and error, I have found myself rather enjoying the game. Oddly, I don't... empathize with the lead much. Fact is, it's because we are a bit too close in real terms. Who wants to be a putz that just happens to be barely quicker than the next threat, vulnerable emotionally and physically, and with a learning curve that is a bit difficult? Oh, and in his forties. Never mind. The game might help me... tick my life back up a bit.
Well... I best either put a load of laundry in now, or forget about it? I hate to say it, but I think I will leave that off until tomorrow. I will try to remember to get the trash out. But I am waking early enough that if I can't do it now, I can do it before the truck arrives. Later. And... have a good day, if you can.
On to waking and planning!
.
.
Yes, dishes, then a shower. I just hated not being able to plan. But I knew that planning led to having too much on my plate and I would freeze. Or... that's what I am suggesting. So, rather than spending time waking, I got right to it. Now I can plan.
Setting up the hoses to water the garden, and setting the timer for 21:00 or so, is a major goal. The next thing I hope to do is to sand the top of the workbench and install several more brackets into the pegboard. If I have anything left after that I will bolt the vice and grinder down to the top, and a few other things. Yes, I know. Long time in the process but I can't worry about that. If I let some things get to my head, heart, I would never get to anything. It might seem that way, but that isn't the truth. At a snails pace, but I have moved mountains, with the givens and give or take, in the last decade. My mountain may be your molehill, to each their own. Further, I wouldn't recommend walking in my shoes. You wouldn't survive. Not all of the mountain I have moved is strictly visible. So... what's your problem. *grin*
Smarmy? More like cocky. Taking the shower and doing the dishes tickled my fancy. Such little things, but impossible things until today, and for a while. I was amazed though. It's been a... while since I could shower. And yet... I was clean. My hair was a little rough, but my body? It was as if I had showered yesterday. Trust me, my nose and senses work fine. I thought I would be extremely gnarly, like a week in the bush. A blessing, of sorts.
Well, on to waking. Then getting those plans underway. It's been a while since I ate. I have food coming in today, but if I get things done by noon, I may sneak into town for lunch and just a smidgen of shopping. Cream and milk are sorely missed. Canned milk and dehydrated milk just don't cut the mustard, they simply... suffice, mostly. Later.
.
Yes, dishes, then a shower. I just hated not being able to plan. But I knew that planning led to having too much on my plate and I would freeze. Or... that's what I am suggesting. So, rather than spending time waking, I got right to it. Now I can plan.
Setting up the hoses to water the garden, and setting the timer for 21:00 or so, is a major goal. The next thing I hope to do is to sand the top of the workbench and install several more brackets into the pegboard. If I have anything left after that I will bolt the vice and grinder down to the top, and a few other things. Yes, I know. Long time in the process but I can't worry about that. If I let some things get to my head, heart, I would never get to anything. It might seem that way, but that isn't the truth. At a snails pace, but I have moved mountains, with the givens and give or take, in the last decade. My mountain may be your molehill, to each their own. Further, I wouldn't recommend walking in my shoes. You wouldn't survive. Not all of the mountain I have moved is strictly visible. So... what's your problem. *grin*
Smarmy? More like cocky. Taking the shower and doing the dishes tickled my fancy. Such little things, but impossible things until today, and for a while. I was amazed though. It's been a... while since I could shower. And yet... I was clean. My hair was a little rough, but my body? It was as if I had showered yesterday. Trust me, my nose and senses work fine. I thought I would be extremely gnarly, like a week in the bush. A blessing, of sorts.
Well, on to waking. Then getting those plans underway. It's been a while since I ate. I have food coming in today, but if I get things done by noon, I may sneak into town for lunch and just a smidgen of shopping. Cream and milk are sorely missed. Canned milk and dehydrated milk just don't cut the mustard, they simply... suffice, mostly. Later.
Still better, but just.
.
.
I am feeling better, just not doing better. My plans simply didn't work out yesterday. I have reset the dishes for a fresh rinse and... hold the plans over. There is too much to do. I have almost nothing to give. My day is back in day, mostly, but without effort, it just rolled around on it's own. I will try to keep it there. I went to bed at about 17:00, set the alarm for 2:00, but didn't wake until almost 4:00. I heard the alarm but could do little more than shut it off. I'll keep working on that.
I look around the world, at the faithful, at myself. It would be easy to fall to sorrow. I simply refuse. Even if I can't reach out to it, I keep looking for a handhold, a way out. If I or the world slips, I just look to the next viable path. It is fallen, and deeply. As am I. Truth is, we will never dig ourselves out. We can be in a better or worse position, however, and that is my goal and I extend it to the world with what little I have to give on any front. We won't get there by feeling good, or bad, or anything. We either get to a better position through effort or we fall to a worse position through doubt. I choose to ignore feelings when work is possible, dealing with emotions when I can't work, or try to work. I am in the "trying" mode, hoping to break through to actual work. No time for feelings right now.
I need to wake first. An hour or two then, hopefully, hit the dishes and take a shower. I won't put anything else up, so as not to become overwhelmed, until those things are done. Later.
.
I am feeling better, just not doing better. My plans simply didn't work out yesterday. I have reset the dishes for a fresh rinse and... hold the plans over. There is too much to do. I have almost nothing to give. My day is back in day, mostly, but without effort, it just rolled around on it's own. I will try to keep it there. I went to bed at about 17:00, set the alarm for 2:00, but didn't wake until almost 4:00. I heard the alarm but could do little more than shut it off. I'll keep working on that.
I look around the world, at the faithful, at myself. It would be easy to fall to sorrow. I simply refuse. Even if I can't reach out to it, I keep looking for a handhold, a way out. If I or the world slips, I just look to the next viable path. It is fallen, and deeply. As am I. Truth is, we will never dig ourselves out. We can be in a better or worse position, however, and that is my goal and I extend it to the world with what little I have to give on any front. We won't get there by feeling good, or bad, or anything. We either get to a better position through effort or we fall to a worse position through doubt. I choose to ignore feelings when work is possible, dealing with emotions when I can't work, or try to work. I am in the "trying" mode, hoping to break through to actual work. No time for feelings right now.
I need to wake first. An hour or two then, hopefully, hit the dishes and take a shower. I won't put anything else up, so as not to become overwhelmed, until those things are done. Later.
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Better.
.
.
I won't say I'm clearing hurdles yet. I did reset the dishes and am hoping to get them dried and put away shortly. Then a shower, a load of laundry, and some cleaning... whatever I can get done. I still have a minor headache, but this is more of a normal one. If it has anything to do with the bug, it is remnants of the fight. The bug is dead, long live the bug. But between starting medicines and my body cleaning up and slowly backing away from the bug fight, a minor headache is to be expected. Definitely not at the top of my game. Just better than I have been in weeks, at this moment.
I do have a light list of things to do. Some reading offered for thought, a bit more cleaning, getting the lawn some water tomorrow, and figuring out my next steps. I will have to work up to doing anything bigger, but I think I will be able to slowly start working again. There might even be a social call coming up, or two. One is more important. And shopping. I am out of milk, cream, and some other stuff. Thawing some meat, too. Just a bit. I need to start eating again.
It is hot out there, and I am a bit sensitive to it for a while. The fever was like a sunburn, it makes all other sources of heat a bit more noticeable, uncomfortable. If I can get the hoses set up earlier in the morning though, and set to run in the evening after the sun goes down, that might be good enough. Medicine will help, after a little bit of abuse for missing it. It will slow me down for a week or two, which is fine, I guess, as things stand. Without a garden to worry about, I can, maybe, stick to cleaning and doing repairs, maintenance, and construction this summer. Rest, and maybe get out this winter, and save for the kitchen floor in the spring.
Plans are great. Sometimes they work, sometimes they hit the wall of reality and... you get what you get. And yet it is worth the effort to plan. It gives fallback positions, opens opportunities, and seems to smooth life out, good or bad. So I will continue to plan, doing what I can, when I can, and... enjoying what of it works out, rescheduling the rest. Later.
.
I won't say I'm clearing hurdles yet. I did reset the dishes and am hoping to get them dried and put away shortly. Then a shower, a load of laundry, and some cleaning... whatever I can get done. I still have a minor headache, but this is more of a normal one. If it has anything to do with the bug, it is remnants of the fight. The bug is dead, long live the bug. But between starting medicines and my body cleaning up and slowly backing away from the bug fight, a minor headache is to be expected. Definitely not at the top of my game. Just better than I have been in weeks, at this moment.
I do have a light list of things to do. Some reading offered for thought, a bit more cleaning, getting the lawn some water tomorrow, and figuring out my next steps. I will have to work up to doing anything bigger, but I think I will be able to slowly start working again. There might even be a social call coming up, or two. One is more important. And shopping. I am out of milk, cream, and some other stuff. Thawing some meat, too. Just a bit. I need to start eating again.
It is hot out there, and I am a bit sensitive to it for a while. The fever was like a sunburn, it makes all other sources of heat a bit more noticeable, uncomfortable. If I can get the hoses set up earlier in the morning though, and set to run in the evening after the sun goes down, that might be good enough. Medicine will help, after a little bit of abuse for missing it. It will slow me down for a week or two, which is fine, I guess, as things stand. Without a garden to worry about, I can, maybe, stick to cleaning and doing repairs, maintenance, and construction this summer. Rest, and maybe get out this winter, and save for the kitchen floor in the spring.
Plans are great. Sometimes they work, sometimes they hit the wall of reality and... you get what you get. And yet it is worth the effort to plan. It gives fallback positions, opens opportunities, and seems to smooth life out, good or bad. So I will continue to plan, doing what I can, when I can, and... enjoying what of it works out, rescheduling the rest. Later.
No friends, allies, tribe?
.
.
True. By blood, family, state, or faith, I have never been on anyone's side. No, this isn't because I am special, for good or ill. It was simply the truth of my walk from boy to man. Not one race, not in a single family, not one faith, and through some divides not even of one single nation, or even two. Do remember, Indians are each a nation unto themselves through legal strictures.
It isn't that I am disloyal. It isn't that I didn't want a home. It is merely that I am what I am, who I am, and how I have become those things. A child of God in that I have walked a walk He Himself has alluded He walked. On the upside I have had the freedom to choose my home. After many years at sea, looking at all of the things, places, and people I could choose, I started at the start. God. Both the Alpha and Omega. I saw truth in Him. I simply needed to see if that truth was right, enough, believable. Quite a row to hoe with no connections or certainty.
Reading. The bible, and any other source that tried to put order to the matter of God. People, radio, the occult, myth, legend, lore, all have bits of it. Having been a seeker of these things for most of my life, that input went into the gathering. Time was spent, effort, prayer. First things first. Identifying what God says He is, and deciding if I believed what He suggested, was first. Once you see the patterns, to within your ability... then decide if you can abide that as true... if you decide it is true, then you begin to look for His pattern as a teaching. And, so, I did. That was my first home. After that, you begin to look for regions, of flesh, where that is more keenly lived. And so it was.
I am still alone. Even in my various homes. Many are there because that is where they were born or surrendered. That alone makes me outcast. And yet, I think I am seen as a believer. As faithful. Just to God above men and our ways. A bit of a quirk. Again, don't blame me, or praise me. I only had the roads that were available, the tools I was given, if all does come from God, all are not given the same.
I am no longer fearful. I am not alone. And while I may be wrong from time to time *cough*, God is a very gracious Father. I am home, if sometimes, seemingly, alone. It is I who will pray for you. If you ever know one ounce of what I have, should you be flayed alive you won't worry. You are always home, in any state, in any condition, at all times. Go home. Amen.
.
True. By blood, family, state, or faith, I have never been on anyone's side. No, this isn't because I am special, for good or ill. It was simply the truth of my walk from boy to man. Not one race, not in a single family, not one faith, and through some divides not even of one single nation, or even two. Do remember, Indians are each a nation unto themselves through legal strictures.
It isn't that I am disloyal. It isn't that I didn't want a home. It is merely that I am what I am, who I am, and how I have become those things. A child of God in that I have walked a walk He Himself has alluded He walked. On the upside I have had the freedom to choose my home. After many years at sea, looking at all of the things, places, and people I could choose, I started at the start. God. Both the Alpha and Omega. I saw truth in Him. I simply needed to see if that truth was right, enough, believable. Quite a row to hoe with no connections or certainty.
Reading. The bible, and any other source that tried to put order to the matter of God. People, radio, the occult, myth, legend, lore, all have bits of it. Having been a seeker of these things for most of my life, that input went into the gathering. Time was spent, effort, prayer. First things first. Identifying what God says He is, and deciding if I believed what He suggested, was first. Once you see the patterns, to within your ability... then decide if you can abide that as true... if you decide it is true, then you begin to look for His pattern as a teaching. And, so, I did. That was my first home. After that, you begin to look for regions, of flesh, where that is more keenly lived. And so it was.
I am still alone. Even in my various homes. Many are there because that is where they were born or surrendered. That alone makes me outcast. And yet, I think I am seen as a believer. As faithful. Just to God above men and our ways. A bit of a quirk. Again, don't blame me, or praise me. I only had the roads that were available, the tools I was given, if all does come from God, all are not given the same.
I am no longer fearful. I am not alone. And while I may be wrong from time to time *cough*, God is a very gracious Father. I am home, if sometimes, seemingly, alone. It is I who will pray for you. If you ever know one ounce of what I have, should you be flayed alive you won't worry. You are always home, in any state, in any condition, at all times. Go home. Amen.
Yeah? I have had worse.
.
.
Going back on medicine is more achy than the flu. I am almost sure the flu, or whatever virus, has left the building. The aches I'm going through are typical medicine start up aches and no fever or other symptom. Timed that just right. Who wants to ever feel better! Actually, this summer has been pretty good. My garden, and flowers, are gone. My lawn is in dire straights, I still have a faucet, then whole bathroom to fix. And a thousand other things on the menu. Next year? The watering system goes in first. THEN I put plants in. But if I don't have something in by May? Forget about it. The season is simply too short to fuss. I suppose the next thing for me to do is take the drip feed system down, and pack it in until next year.
That will lift some stress and demand, and a whole failing set of projects off my shoulders. Perhaps that will help me to kickstart something else. I think, the next thing I am hoping to work out, is the mess of a cave I am living in. An attempt to get back to some semblance of humanity. I was starting summer fairly well. The shows aren't what brought me down. I was stumbling well before that. I had hoped they would give me some... directed down time. And I suppose they did. But there simply hasn't been a way back up since. Going off, and slipping on, medicines, for a while now. As I said though, is it medicines, or illness, that lobs the first shell over the bow? I'm leaning toward illness being the culprit this time.
Whine. I do. Or so it might seem. Truth is, these are just the facts. What I am doing is, clearly and precisely taking a look and my realities so I can assess where I need and want to go and how I can get there. It seems rather like being in a life-vest... somewhere a dozen miles from shore, heading out to see, far from the shipping lanes. It's the way it's been for a very long time though. It's 2014? Hmm... since 1987, I believe. That's not when it all finalized, just when I started seeing the signs that something bigger than my consciousness and will was wrong, and with me. It was coming for me and I had no way to escape, or defeat, it. And it wasn't even until 2010-11 until I knew what all was involved. It could be worse. There are people who really don't know, perhaps can't.
I may have mentioned, I set up a new anti-virus program on my system. Since it tends to completely gobble resources on this old system, I have set it up to ask me before it hiccups or farts. It completely ignores. I really do hate these punk nose programmers who think they will defend my machine at all costs, ignoring my input. That's the same type of hubris that hackers have, and, essentially, they are using the same tools to "defend". Essentially, and beyond, they are no more trustworthy than who they face. Just as likely they are picking up data and selling it, just like hackers. It's only a dog eat dog world when everyone is a dog. As is the case with computer security and hackers. Both just want the data to themselves.
Later.
.
Going back on medicine is more achy than the flu. I am almost sure the flu, or whatever virus, has left the building. The aches I'm going through are typical medicine start up aches and no fever or other symptom. Timed that just right. Who wants to ever feel better! Actually, this summer has been pretty good. My garden, and flowers, are gone. My lawn is in dire straights, I still have a faucet, then whole bathroom to fix. And a thousand other things on the menu. Next year? The watering system goes in first. THEN I put plants in. But if I don't have something in by May? Forget about it. The season is simply too short to fuss. I suppose the next thing for me to do is take the drip feed system down, and pack it in until next year.
That will lift some stress and demand, and a whole failing set of projects off my shoulders. Perhaps that will help me to kickstart something else. I think, the next thing I am hoping to work out, is the mess of a cave I am living in. An attempt to get back to some semblance of humanity. I was starting summer fairly well. The shows aren't what brought me down. I was stumbling well before that. I had hoped they would give me some... directed down time. And I suppose they did. But there simply hasn't been a way back up since. Going off, and slipping on, medicines, for a while now. As I said though, is it medicines, or illness, that lobs the first shell over the bow? I'm leaning toward illness being the culprit this time.
Whine. I do. Or so it might seem. Truth is, these are just the facts. What I am doing is, clearly and precisely taking a look and my realities so I can assess where I need and want to go and how I can get there. It seems rather like being in a life-vest... somewhere a dozen miles from shore, heading out to see, far from the shipping lanes. It's the way it's been for a very long time though. It's 2014? Hmm... since 1987, I believe. That's not when it all finalized, just when I started seeing the signs that something bigger than my consciousness and will was wrong, and with me. It was coming for me and I had no way to escape, or defeat, it. And it wasn't even until 2010-11 until I knew what all was involved. It could be worse. There are people who really don't know, perhaps can't.
I may have mentioned, I set up a new anti-virus program on my system. Since it tends to completely gobble resources on this old system, I have set it up to ask me before it hiccups or farts. It completely ignores. I really do hate these punk nose programmers who think they will defend my machine at all costs, ignoring my input. That's the same type of hubris that hackers have, and, essentially, they are using the same tools to "defend". Essentially, and beyond, they are no more trustworthy than who they face. Just as likely they are picking up data and selling it, just like hackers. It's only a dog eat dog world when everyone is a dog. As is the case with computer security and hackers. Both just want the data to themselves.
Later.
Friday, July 18, 2014
Sleep helped.
.
.
Chilled well enough. I actually feel fairly good as long as I can keep cool enough. After waking I have just done a bit of research on some minor things and blogged. I did remember to call and cancel a visit. I hate when I forget to inform then have to deal with the consequences. I notice that as I have done things, my temp has slowly increased. It's not just popping up, so I have a bit before needing to chill. All good. I have definitely had worse.
I'll probably set the dishes to a hot rinse, play a game for a bit, dry the dishes, and then might well need to go back into the chill box. I have to be a bit careful of cooling off too fast. The chills are as bad as the heat. Adding a bit of blanket here, kicking off part or all there, tending the feet, it's a bit of work but the payoff is there. As long as I don't fall too far into either extreme, or even let extremities suffer, I seem to be doing okay. Actually I think this is the best flu-ish illness I have ever had. Usually, since I only get them occasionally, they seem to be extreme when I do get them. And virulent, so I keep people away. I'll probably be better tomorrow night. I mean done with it, completely. I wish I could have thrown the viral infection that wasted my heart off as easily.
The shingles, chicken pox recurrence really, just isn't in the same league. I do wonder if the shots they gave might have caused that to flare. They shoot us up with more stuff than you can imagine when going overseas. And, usually, it's good. There will always be a few bad reactions in the batch. I had it before we were actually aboard, so it wasn't from the close quarters stuff that pops on subs about a month into tours. Though I doubt if that helped. No worries. After everyone settled a bit, and accepted that there was a problem, things have been handled as well, I suppose, as could be expected. Which, of course, is why I don't trust doctors. They really don't know and don't always do a good job of finding the real problems.
Just a minor headache creeping in, but less than my occasional, sort of off to the side. No complaints here, a good sign that whatever it is, it's working it's way through. Later.
.
Chilled well enough. I actually feel fairly good as long as I can keep cool enough. After waking I have just done a bit of research on some minor things and blogged. I did remember to call and cancel a visit. I hate when I forget to inform then have to deal with the consequences. I notice that as I have done things, my temp has slowly increased. It's not just popping up, so I have a bit before needing to chill. All good. I have definitely had worse.
I'll probably set the dishes to a hot rinse, play a game for a bit, dry the dishes, and then might well need to go back into the chill box. I have to be a bit careful of cooling off too fast. The chills are as bad as the heat. Adding a bit of blanket here, kicking off part or all there, tending the feet, it's a bit of work but the payoff is there. As long as I don't fall too far into either extreme, or even let extremities suffer, I seem to be doing okay. Actually I think this is the best flu-ish illness I have ever had. Usually, since I only get them occasionally, they seem to be extreme when I do get them. And virulent, so I keep people away. I'll probably be better tomorrow night. I mean done with it, completely. I wish I could have thrown the viral infection that wasted my heart off as easily.
The shingles, chicken pox recurrence really, just isn't in the same league. I do wonder if the shots they gave might have caused that to flare. They shoot us up with more stuff than you can imagine when going overseas. And, usually, it's good. There will always be a few bad reactions in the batch. I had it before we were actually aboard, so it wasn't from the close quarters stuff that pops on subs about a month into tours. Though I doubt if that helped. No worries. After everyone settled a bit, and accepted that there was a problem, things have been handled as well, I suppose, as could be expected. Which, of course, is why I don't trust doctors. They really don't know and don't always do a good job of finding the real problems.
Just a minor headache creeping in, but less than my occasional, sort of off to the side. No complaints here, a good sign that whatever it is, it's working it's way through. Later.
Thursday, July 17, 2014
So it goes.
.
.
After drinking a half gallon of iced water, then laying in the cooled bedroom, I did cool off. Then got the chills, bad. So... I'm trying to get rid of that out in the heat. I can tell there is some real fever, that is isn't just an expression of angst. My eyes, in more ways then one, it's the eyes. When sick, ill from something, they get wonky around the edges of the eye lids. As if the heat of my body has dried them out, even more than normal. Tear glands don't seem to work as they should either. So there is some sort of that. But that isn't all of it. I am sure of that. A few days and I'll be better.
I have definitely had worse. No running nose, changing from hot to cold seems to handle some of the discomfort. I don't have a headache, or migraine. My appetite is fine, no nausea or upset. But the fever and chills can be intense, but not dangerous. No cooking of eggs on my forehead. I do need to focus on staying hydrated though, above all else, if it's the only thing I do. Another half hour and back into the chill. This time I will cover up first, a bit.
Later.
.
After drinking a half gallon of iced water, then laying in the cooled bedroom, I did cool off. Then got the chills, bad. So... I'm trying to get rid of that out in the heat. I can tell there is some real fever, that is isn't just an expression of angst. My eyes, in more ways then one, it's the eyes. When sick, ill from something, they get wonky around the edges of the eye lids. As if the heat of my body has dried them out, even more than normal. Tear glands don't seem to work as they should either. So there is some sort of that. But that isn't all of it. I am sure of that. A few days and I'll be better.
I have definitely had worse. No running nose, changing from hot to cold seems to handle some of the discomfort. I don't have a headache, or migraine. My appetite is fine, no nausea or upset. But the fever and chills can be intense, but not dangerous. No cooking of eggs on my forehead. I do need to focus on staying hydrated though, above all else, if it's the only thing I do. Another half hour and back into the chill. This time I will cover up first, a bit.
Later.
Burning.
.
.
Not sure if it is a fever, or just the heat. I turned the ac on, and set the fans to help.
Nah, that isn't working. I just stood in front of the ac. Yeah, no. It's me. A bit of flu, a bit of other. All the furnaces inside are on. Pain opens some doors, closes others. I bet looking at me, standing in front of the ac, with a thermal viewer, would cause the viewer to lift an eyebrow, or two. And scoot. Burning hot.
.
Not sure if it is a fever, or just the heat. I turned the ac on, and set the fans to help.
Nah, that isn't working. I just stood in front of the ac. Yeah, no. It's me. A bit of flu, a bit of other. All the furnaces inside are on. Pain opens some doors, closes others. I bet looking at me, standing in front of the ac, with a thermal viewer, would cause the viewer to lift an eyebrow, or two. And scoot. Burning hot.
Rough.
.
.
Yeah. I got back on medicines then something just slipped. As I have said, whether it is medicine or general health that slips first is a question that simply doesn't have an answer. It might even be one, then the other. All I know is that I have missed meds for a few days. Oh, don't be silly. Imagine just giving severely ill or injured patients their medicines in the hospital and expecting them to take them correctly. When I am ill, I am that ill. When I am healthy it works. It's not irresponsibility, just reality. I'll start them up again tonight. Then again, I'm not sure if what is wrong is missing medicines or... simply illness. The medicine is rather potent, mind you. But so is the sickness. I'll start up and try to focus on taking them.
I am going to kick out the dishes tonight. And maybe run a load of laundry through, or two. Then rest. A nap, probably. Sleep has been good, just not restful. I wake up tired and never quite break out of that. I do get eight hours, or more, now. I think I am making up for lost sleep watching the shows. Probably a bit of withdrawal after watching the last one. I think there were some I didn't watch, either because the sound track or video was incomplete. I learned, at that site, that you can look use other feeds... it is a collection of video offerings, of the same program. Sort of like seeing the same show, but on different channels. I may go back and review some of the ones I didn't get to see, but... not right away. A nugget for later, like how squirrels hide nuts for the winter.
Oh, I might thaw some meat, too. It's been a while since I have eaten rightly. I really should eat at least a meal a day. Two if I can fit in a snack or such. Hmm... I do have hotdogs. The pack I opened I left out, so it is gone. But I bought several packs. I just hope the buns are still good. I rarely eat bread of any type, but hotdogs and hamburgers are the exception... or if I am in a restaurant that actually hand makes it. The girls have been begging but their hunger has become a bit too demanding. I think Sassy knows when I am on the fringes. I used to feed her way to much because she knew how to trick me out of it. I am being cautious with that. Besides, I know they have hard cat food and fresh water. I'd rather have her be a bit hungry than three pounds overweight. Or more, she is already at least a couple of pounds heavy in the Chevy. :) Ah well, I think it's about time. Have you ever been meow berated by a cat? Yeah, it's time.
Later.
.
Yeah. I got back on medicines then something just slipped. As I have said, whether it is medicine or general health that slips first is a question that simply doesn't have an answer. It might even be one, then the other. All I know is that I have missed meds for a few days. Oh, don't be silly. Imagine just giving severely ill or injured patients their medicines in the hospital and expecting them to take them correctly. When I am ill, I am that ill. When I am healthy it works. It's not irresponsibility, just reality. I'll start them up again tonight. Then again, I'm not sure if what is wrong is missing medicines or... simply illness. The medicine is rather potent, mind you. But so is the sickness. I'll start up and try to focus on taking them.
I am going to kick out the dishes tonight. And maybe run a load of laundry through, or two. Then rest. A nap, probably. Sleep has been good, just not restful. I wake up tired and never quite break out of that. I do get eight hours, or more, now. I think I am making up for lost sleep watching the shows. Probably a bit of withdrawal after watching the last one. I think there were some I didn't watch, either because the sound track or video was incomplete. I learned, at that site, that you can look use other feeds... it is a collection of video offerings, of the same program. Sort of like seeing the same show, but on different channels. I may go back and review some of the ones I didn't get to see, but... not right away. A nugget for later, like how squirrels hide nuts for the winter.
Oh, I might thaw some meat, too. It's been a while since I have eaten rightly. I really should eat at least a meal a day. Two if I can fit in a snack or such. Hmm... I do have hotdogs. The pack I opened I left out, so it is gone. But I bought several packs. I just hope the buns are still good. I rarely eat bread of any type, but hotdogs and hamburgers are the exception... or if I am in a restaurant that actually hand makes it. The girls have been begging but their hunger has become a bit too demanding. I think Sassy knows when I am on the fringes. I used to feed her way to much because she knew how to trick me out of it. I am being cautious with that. Besides, I know they have hard cat food and fresh water. I'd rather have her be a bit hungry than three pounds overweight. Or more, she is already at least a couple of pounds heavy in the Chevy. :) Ah well, I think it's about time. Have you ever been meow berated by a cat? Yeah, it's time.
Later.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Thoughts.
.
.
I'm not going to bother... notating. Take what you will or want. Part of why I dig so deeply. Search.
.
I'm not going to bother... notating. Take what you will or want. Part of why I dig so deeply. Search.
More sleep.
.
.
It took an hour or two to go back down. I almost didn't. I knew I needed it so I kept sleep on the itinerary and it worked out. For the first time in... a while I feel rested. My body, muscles and bones feel rested from disuse. But my mind was cracking under the pressure of watching, considering, and being awake too long for so long. Well and sorting and discarding the liberal tripe that is found in all such material these days. That part of life is exhausting, every day. Another day of good rest and I might be able to figure some things out. But it is hot out there, during the days, so work out there is going to be brutal. It just is.
I don't know if my garden yet lives. That might be a bust this year. I'll at least check tomorrow. And I might tinker in the garage just a bit. I want to sand the benchtop just a bit before doing some other things. I could do that and I might be able to then attach some things, and put some more pegboard pieces up, and fit a few other things. That and some dishes and laundry, plus a call about the faucet hopefully. Well, that's the goal.
For now I need to wake. I can't remember some things. Being locked into something as I was, the world sort of melts around me. Weeks have passed, but it seems like a lifetime has gone on around me. Rust and cobwebs in the noodle. I have had dreams do that, believe it or else, on a single night. I have literally lived whole lives in dreams. And I have literally pseudo slept for months, even a year once. Both have rescheduled all of my designs. So I have had worse, and to much worse ends, and with no gain. So... I'll figure this out and work on things.
I still laugh at the notions I am getting. Feedback. I know I am not always appreciated. Especially when I seem to go off the rez, and in directions or areas which seem specious, unpalatable, or too foreign or uncomfortable. As I might have suggested, God's design is flawless. But it also means walking alone, in it, sometimes. At least He gave me the juice to... cope. Never worry. I don't wish to be alone, I just am. Mostly. A woman or two has been able to walk with me, for a bit. But it is bloody hard. At least I understand, now, finally. I just can't escape myself. And... God is always here. I knew that even when I tried to walk away from Him. He has... handled much worse. He can take it.
Now to wake. Later.
.
It took an hour or two to go back down. I almost didn't. I knew I needed it so I kept sleep on the itinerary and it worked out. For the first time in... a while I feel rested. My body, muscles and bones feel rested from disuse. But my mind was cracking under the pressure of watching, considering, and being awake too long for so long. Well and sorting and discarding the liberal tripe that is found in all such material these days. That part of life is exhausting, every day. Another day of good rest and I might be able to figure some things out. But it is hot out there, during the days, so work out there is going to be brutal. It just is.
I don't know if my garden yet lives. That might be a bust this year. I'll at least check tomorrow. And I might tinker in the garage just a bit. I want to sand the benchtop just a bit before doing some other things. I could do that and I might be able to then attach some things, and put some more pegboard pieces up, and fit a few other things. That and some dishes and laundry, plus a call about the faucet hopefully. Well, that's the goal.
For now I need to wake. I can't remember some things. Being locked into something as I was, the world sort of melts around me. Weeks have passed, but it seems like a lifetime has gone on around me. Rust and cobwebs in the noodle. I have had dreams do that, believe it or else, on a single night. I have literally lived whole lives in dreams. And I have literally pseudo slept for months, even a year once. Both have rescheduled all of my designs. So I have had worse, and to much worse ends, and with no gain. So... I'll figure this out and work on things.
I still laugh at the notions I am getting. Feedback. I know I am not always appreciated. Especially when I seem to go off the rez, and in directions or areas which seem specious, unpalatable, or too foreign or uncomfortable. As I might have suggested, God's design is flawless. But it also means walking alone, in it, sometimes. At least He gave me the juice to... cope. Never worry. I don't wish to be alone, I just am. Mostly. A woman or two has been able to walk with me, for a bit. But it is bloody hard. At least I understand, now, finally. I just can't escape myself. And... God is always here. I knew that even when I tried to walk away from Him. He has... handled much worse. He can take it.
Now to wake. Later.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Done and done.
.
.
The shows, that is. I just finished the series this morning. I suppose one could call it gorging. And maybe it was. I needed physical rest, then became slightly addicted. While I did push sleep, I did get inactive rest. I can't seem to rest completely, or work or play all that much either. Suffer one way or the other, it's just the way it goes.
That may be the first series of shows I have ever, for sure, watched completely. They offer... fodder for thought. Much of it, of course, can be left on the table without any consideration. Some of it... offers plaster for a few cracks in theories. Not that they matter, actually, even if they were correct. But I collect lore, myth, and such like others collect... whatever people collect. Useless, mind you. A form of wealth, however, that none can steal, tax, ruin. Death gets it, I am sure. But it adds to some things. An odd tale, a bit of lore, an enhanced understanding of some possibilities.
Plus, just sticking with it? It seems a little thing, perhaps a foolish thing. But as I suggest, I needed physical rest harshly. I pushed, and keep pushing, this summer. I knew I had to take a break. My body wasn't giving me much of a choice. And yet I pushed even then. I guess I liked trying, and succeeding, that push. Now to get back to some tasks, if I might have to work my way back up to it all. Visitors, recently, told me what day and the date. I have been down for a bit, I see. Well... back to the other grinder... after a nap.
Later.
.
The shows, that is. I just finished the series this morning. I suppose one could call it gorging. And maybe it was. I needed physical rest, then became slightly addicted. While I did push sleep, I did get inactive rest. I can't seem to rest completely, or work or play all that much either. Suffer one way or the other, it's just the way it goes.
That may be the first series of shows I have ever, for sure, watched completely. They offer... fodder for thought. Much of it, of course, can be left on the table without any consideration. Some of it... offers plaster for a few cracks in theories. Not that they matter, actually, even if they were correct. But I collect lore, myth, and such like others collect... whatever people collect. Useless, mind you. A form of wealth, however, that none can steal, tax, ruin. Death gets it, I am sure. But it adds to some things. An odd tale, a bit of lore, an enhanced understanding of some possibilities.
Plus, just sticking with it? It seems a little thing, perhaps a foolish thing. But as I suggest, I needed physical rest harshly. I pushed, and keep pushing, this summer. I knew I had to take a break. My body wasn't giving me much of a choice. And yet I pushed even then. I guess I liked trying, and succeeding, that push. Now to get back to some tasks, if I might have to work my way back up to it all. Visitors, recently, told me what day and the date. I have been down for a bit, I see. Well... back to the other grinder... after a nap.
Later.
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Music.
.
.
Some of it, musically, is... well... icky. Girl stuff, really. Girl cooties never quite go away, the notion of them. Yeah, sure, I've certainly gotten over the third grade notion of it, just not all of it. What they like to eat, their invasion of personal space, and... some other things. Still, sometimes it takes a woman to say some things in a certain way. Men don't have the tongue for it. Some men have tongue, some men have tears, none quite have that heart. Trust me. Well... Some of the music may be more, or less, entertaining. Depending on if some cat *cough* likes umbrellas in his drink. All I'm sayin'. *laughs* Some of it is better. None of it is quite the stuff that makes my mojo rock. Fair warning.
.
Some of it, musically, is... well... icky. Girl stuff, really. Girl cooties never quite go away, the notion of them. Yeah, sure, I've certainly gotten over the third grade notion of it, just not all of it. What they like to eat, their invasion of personal space, and... some other things. Still, sometimes it takes a woman to say some things in a certain way. Men don't have the tongue for it. Some men have tongue, some men have tears, none quite have that heart. Trust me. Well... Some of the music may be more, or less, entertaining. Depending on if some cat *cough* likes umbrellas in his drink. All I'm sayin'. *laughs* Some of it is better. None of it is quite the stuff that makes my mojo rock. Fair warning.
Saturday, July 12, 2014
Not sure how long I am staying awake.
.
.
Long hours, that is all I know. I can't track time. Awake or asleep. I try to remember to set the alarm but by the time I am exhausted enough to sleep... I usually forget. Forget? Not quite the correct term. I did fix food last night for the first time in... a while. Busted me up a bit to eat. I have had much, much worse on that score. Still, it's been a while since I have gone even a few days without at least one proper square. Beside the stomach having to learn to work again, the whole g.i. has to figure out what to do with this stuff. I'm mostly over the cramping and... the rest of it. Well... perhaps one more trip. That's what sudoku is good for though. Yeah, but I am pushing myself physically. Pushing things just a bit much. Did you feel that thump? *shrug* Can't really change it, just have to work through it.
Didn't get to much. Didn't really care for the game, at least not in the condition I am in. Sleep deprived, figuring out how to digest food again, and angst tripping. I don't know, the series seems to have gone from being about supernatural to being almost a pure melodrama. Not really my thing. Still, I feel compelled to sort through the last few seasons. I'm almost done with season 7. Something in there. They did some research, mixed of course with fiction, and throwing in some action. War in the spirit world is much, much, quieter. And humans simply cannot participate quite as the show puts it. Only when the spirit world entities take on flesh. And, demons, like angels, aren't very good at war. They do not understand subterfuge, traps, tricks. They just don't. Trying to train them to human war styles is like trying to train a cat to fetch. Only should they become predatory do they use some... senses as we might think of it. Now, when angels fight, they are of the warrior cast and are armed and armored. I don't know how well their armor stands up to bullets, but I don't think it holds up well.
Mind you, I think you can only send an angel or demon back to their home base. Can't slay them forever. If I do think there is a price for those who are sent back... no way back to earth for some time, perhaps a need to heal, and it probably stings a bit. Whereas, if they come, and return sort of naturally, or by choice, sort of like us from old age they time out... at least angels. Dying "prematurely" is not popular with demons, or angels if for different reasons. Demons hate hell. Angels do love heaven, they just hate failing. Oh, and another thing. While I have suggested that hell isn't what most think? That is only in time. Right now, hell is exactly what is suggested. But that is because God hasn't... put Satan in the final prison. When God wins the final battle, hell will no longer be a perversion of His will. So, yeah, do fear it. Though, I think actually, in the end? The last version of hell will be worse than even being tortured by those who tempted the damned. No more lies means they can't try to excuse themselves, or blame others. Though that may be true in hell currently. Not 100% on that. And... these are just my notions, not... positive. Seeing, dreams, reading, praying, blender... results.
Good night.
.
Long hours, that is all I know. I can't track time. Awake or asleep. I try to remember to set the alarm but by the time I am exhausted enough to sleep... I usually forget. Forget? Not quite the correct term. I did fix food last night for the first time in... a while. Busted me up a bit to eat. I have had much, much worse on that score. Still, it's been a while since I have gone even a few days without at least one proper square. Beside the stomach having to learn to work again, the whole g.i. has to figure out what to do with this stuff. I'm mostly over the cramping and... the rest of it. Well... perhaps one more trip. That's what sudoku is good for though. Yeah, but I am pushing myself physically. Pushing things just a bit much. Did you feel that thump? *shrug* Can't really change it, just have to work through it.
Didn't get to much. Didn't really care for the game, at least not in the condition I am in. Sleep deprived, figuring out how to digest food again, and angst tripping. I don't know, the series seems to have gone from being about supernatural to being almost a pure melodrama. Not really my thing. Still, I feel compelled to sort through the last few seasons. I'm almost done with season 7. Something in there. They did some research, mixed of course with fiction, and throwing in some action. War in the spirit world is much, much, quieter. And humans simply cannot participate quite as the show puts it. Only when the spirit world entities take on flesh. And, demons, like angels, aren't very good at war. They do not understand subterfuge, traps, tricks. They just don't. Trying to train them to human war styles is like trying to train a cat to fetch. Only should they become predatory do they use some... senses as we might think of it. Now, when angels fight, they are of the warrior cast and are armed and armored. I don't know how well their armor stands up to bullets, but I don't think it holds up well.
Mind you, I think you can only send an angel or demon back to their home base. Can't slay them forever. If I do think there is a price for those who are sent back... no way back to earth for some time, perhaps a need to heal, and it probably stings a bit. Whereas, if they come, and return sort of naturally, or by choice, sort of like us from old age they time out... at least angels. Dying "prematurely" is not popular with demons, or angels if for different reasons. Demons hate hell. Angels do love heaven, they just hate failing. Oh, and another thing. While I have suggested that hell isn't what most think? That is only in time. Right now, hell is exactly what is suggested. But that is because God hasn't... put Satan in the final prison. When God wins the final battle, hell will no longer be a perversion of His will. So, yeah, do fear it. Though, I think actually, in the end? The last version of hell will be worse than even being tortured by those who tempted the damned. No more lies means they can't try to excuse themselves, or blame others. Though that may be true in hell currently. Not 100% on that. And... these are just my notions, not... positive. Seeing, dreams, reading, praying, blender... results.
Good night.
Friday, July 11, 2014
Yeah, a break.
.
.
I still have two or three episodes. But I am going to take a break. Hmm, can't do much physical, immediately. Gaming will have to do. Though a shower first, and resetting the dishes to a hot sudsy soak after that.
Something that irritates me about the shows? I kept meaning to write it, but forgot as I got into other problems. This one is simple and mechanical. They don't pack. They only take their guns out, and then load them, when they are knowingly facing something. Seriously? Sure, there are things that packing won't help with, but even what can't be killed by it could often be slowed down by it. Further, if I believed in the monsters the show highlights, I would always have a silver blade, various types of rounds in my firearm, and I would have a hunting or sniper rifle, with various rounds. All weapons, from bladed to firearm, have limits. Still, you would be amazed at how many weapons one man can carry. And two men? An arsenal, with some crossover and some uniques, would be cake. Trust me.
There whole secular spin fails when looked at closely. Their failures are due to, in theory, taking the high road. But they are never on, and never approach, or never stay, on that high road. It reminds me of all the glib liberal speak-talk that means nothing and goes nowhere. It is doomed. You can't pick the high road based on good intentions without, first, intent. Then follow through. Then delivery. We have seen secular high roads end up murdering hundreds of millions of people and counting. It's alive and evil today, from abortion to medical homicide that is "legal", to many other ways governments, even in soft socialisms, are murdering their citizens. Europe is ripe with it and America is well on the path to joining. I do wonder if that type of governance isn't some sort of Satanic blood ritual. Truly, I do wonder. How many murders will it take to break out the son, who will then break out his father with an increase in the body count?
I still believe only the horsemen will slow things enough that... enough will be alive to fight Armageddon. Whether their actions will damn them, even so? Something that concerns me, peripherally or directly though is not mine to know, yet. Never mind, just... Yes, it is interesting to see what the, probably, damned, think about my area. They don't, yet, understand, that being populist won't save them, that feeling good isn't what it is about, or that taking the high road isn't even possible for those who don't know it. Passions, in the show, and a love of life over truth, are their Achilles's heels.
I don't believe in monsters of these sorts, not quite as they are presented, or in killing them in these ways. I do believe in monsters, angels, demons, but if it walks of flesh it can die of flesh. No hocus pocus or mumbo jumbo needed, no silver bullets, holy water won't burn their skin. While there is such a thing as exorcism, even it isn't that easy. The only time killing won't work? If it isn't God's will. Ever played a game where things have to play out? Even if you have what you need, you still have to go through the steps? So it is with death, and certain people. Now, if neither actor is acting in God's way, then I suppose it comes down to pure will, a bit of luck, and other things. For them it almost doesn't really matter. Perhaps there is some fate, dependent on choices, involved. That's it. Few angels, who arrive to flesh, have any powers. Perhaps a pocket of God's will, perhaps some tools sent with them. A few do, though, mind you. St. Gabriel, St. Michael, and some of the others carry a bit o' heaven with them. Most angels aren't even warriors.
It is interesting, their notion of the soul as a power source. I suppose it is, or could be, the way the sun is. But it can no more be used as fuel as the sun can, at this point. Sure, there is solar. But that is a... cast off minor attempt to use the... glow. It's not a mining of the sun's power at all. But the notion is there. The soul isn't a power source, it is a reality. It is bigger, and more powerful, than all of the time-space we know. It is it's own universe, in a spiritual sense. Valuable? Only to the owner, I suppose the way a flower head is to the rest, or the leaves. Lucifer doesn't want them, they are useless to him. Simply, he wants to corrupt them, as proof that angels are better. That man is useless. In anger, pride. Like a child who smashes his mother's favorite Tiffany lamp because he was told not to play near it. To hurt God, or us, or everybody. What amazes me is that he knows God, personally. One of the few angels. Which is why I suspect not-God has gotten his claws into Satan. When God was deciding who and what God is, He cast of what He was not. That, too, is immortal. Or, at least, He didn't destroy it. Part of His choice in what and who He is, I suspect. Creator. Not just a word, or notion, but pure.
Never mind. On to something else for a bit. Be well.
.
I still have two or three episodes. But I am going to take a break. Hmm, can't do much physical, immediately. Gaming will have to do. Though a shower first, and resetting the dishes to a hot sudsy soak after that.
Something that irritates me about the shows? I kept meaning to write it, but forgot as I got into other problems. This one is simple and mechanical. They don't pack. They only take their guns out, and then load them, when they are knowingly facing something. Seriously? Sure, there are things that packing won't help with, but even what can't be killed by it could often be slowed down by it. Further, if I believed in the monsters the show highlights, I would always have a silver blade, various types of rounds in my firearm, and I would have a hunting or sniper rifle, with various rounds. All weapons, from bladed to firearm, have limits. Still, you would be amazed at how many weapons one man can carry. And two men? An arsenal, with some crossover and some uniques, would be cake. Trust me.
There whole secular spin fails when looked at closely. Their failures are due to, in theory, taking the high road. But they are never on, and never approach, or never stay, on that high road. It reminds me of all the glib liberal speak-talk that means nothing and goes nowhere. It is doomed. You can't pick the high road based on good intentions without, first, intent. Then follow through. Then delivery. We have seen secular high roads end up murdering hundreds of millions of people and counting. It's alive and evil today, from abortion to medical homicide that is "legal", to many other ways governments, even in soft socialisms, are murdering their citizens. Europe is ripe with it and America is well on the path to joining. I do wonder if that type of governance isn't some sort of Satanic blood ritual. Truly, I do wonder. How many murders will it take to break out the son, who will then break out his father with an increase in the body count?
I still believe only the horsemen will slow things enough that... enough will be alive to fight Armageddon. Whether their actions will damn them, even so? Something that concerns me, peripherally or directly though is not mine to know, yet. Never mind, just... Yes, it is interesting to see what the, probably, damned, think about my area. They don't, yet, understand, that being populist won't save them, that feeling good isn't what it is about, or that taking the high road isn't even possible for those who don't know it. Passions, in the show, and a love of life over truth, are their Achilles's heels.
I don't believe in monsters of these sorts, not quite as they are presented, or in killing them in these ways. I do believe in monsters, angels, demons, but if it walks of flesh it can die of flesh. No hocus pocus or mumbo jumbo needed, no silver bullets, holy water won't burn their skin. While there is such a thing as exorcism, even it isn't that easy. The only time killing won't work? If it isn't God's will. Ever played a game where things have to play out? Even if you have what you need, you still have to go through the steps? So it is with death, and certain people. Now, if neither actor is acting in God's way, then I suppose it comes down to pure will, a bit of luck, and other things. For them it almost doesn't really matter. Perhaps there is some fate, dependent on choices, involved. That's it. Few angels, who arrive to flesh, have any powers. Perhaps a pocket of God's will, perhaps some tools sent with them. A few do, though, mind you. St. Gabriel, St. Michael, and some of the others carry a bit o' heaven with them. Most angels aren't even warriors.
It is interesting, their notion of the soul as a power source. I suppose it is, or could be, the way the sun is. But it can no more be used as fuel as the sun can, at this point. Sure, there is solar. But that is a... cast off minor attempt to use the... glow. It's not a mining of the sun's power at all. But the notion is there. The soul isn't a power source, it is a reality. It is bigger, and more powerful, than all of the time-space we know. It is it's own universe, in a spiritual sense. Valuable? Only to the owner, I suppose the way a flower head is to the rest, or the leaves. Lucifer doesn't want them, they are useless to him. Simply, he wants to corrupt them, as proof that angels are better. That man is useless. In anger, pride. Like a child who smashes his mother's favorite Tiffany lamp because he was told not to play near it. To hurt God, or us, or everybody. What amazes me is that he knows God, personally. One of the few angels. Which is why I suspect not-God has gotten his claws into Satan. When God was deciding who and what God is, He cast of what He was not. That, too, is immortal. Or, at least, He didn't destroy it. Part of His choice in what and who He is, I suspect. Creator. Not just a word, or notion, but pure.
Never mind. On to something else for a bit. Be well.
A week down?
.
.
Almost. I must have needed it. Zapped. Been having trouble taking medicine regularly. Doing my best. I probably should eat before long too. I have kept the girls fed and watered, but that's about it. The shows? Simple entertainment to annoying in what, and how, they explore some things. Myth, lore, faith or lack of it, things well remembered. Monsters? Yes, true, if more of study for my part. But a distraction while I rest up.
There are things about the tales, and show, that annoy in a different way. Like the leads having tans in spite of obviously being so fully clothed all the time, and when not, they don't have the farmer's marks (tan lines to the neck and only so far up the arms). Some other things, of course. Exorcisms that work, 100% an immediately? Sorry boys. It can take days, months, perhaps longer. Spells? There are no spells. The closest we can get are humble words, called prayers. And those need to be based on, and included in, and for, God's will, not our own. There are some other things, but it is a secular production, with a heavy belief in liberalism and popular liberalism, of the modern wrong sort. I've been in those shoes and those shoes lead to hell. No doubts. While there may be some who will make themselves tools of good or evil, most will just live and then die.
There are some interesting notions, as I have mentioned. They suggest something about what I discussed in the last sentence. They call them vessels, or skin suits when demons take possession. The problem I have seen with demon possessions is in the cases that are known? The possession doesn't work well and the possessed isn't able to... do all that much evil. The possessed, or their conscience... soul... may not be able to kick the demon(s) out, but they can interfere with the intended evil the demon(s) must have had when they took over the form. I suppose, however, that a human, willing to allow an evil spirit in, might be more amenable to doing evil. There are a few other notions that are... new possibilities.
Of course, I have mentioned nephilim here, and before. Being what they are, I have considered them forms of werewolves and vampires, among other things. Corrupted spawn of Adam and Eve. Some normal, mostly, appearing. Others of a more unnatural appearance, to include giants. Most know their place, after the flood. But monsters, in some cases, to be sure. Now, they named the mother of monsters Eve. I think it is because they had already used, and killed off, Lilith. She, actually, is the mother of monsters. Cain was the first father of monsters, but not the last. Well... stories, of course.
Oh, and the notion that the lead characters keep dying, usually not being allowed to remember that? And keep coming back? Oh, preaching to the choir on that one. One of them went through being the target of Lucifer's spirit on earth, the other of being St. Michael's body suit? Ring any bells? Not exactly, but things I have... considered, had concern regarding. Not so much Lucifer, if something dark. As I have suggested, I became Catholic, in part, to... make sure. But it's more being War that still... haunts me. Oh, and creatures like what I suggest I might be? The show suggest we go the purgatory. And... where did I go when I died, the time I remember. Bells, lots of bells. Never mind. Just stories.
Today? I am going to try to... get something done. A few dishes, a load of laundry, a shower, a meal... actually several, but not all, of those. I might even begin weening myself from the series. Perhaps a bit of gaming. I'm not sure I am up to gaming, though. Gaming can take it out of me. I'll know more later.
Good day.
.
Almost. I must have needed it. Zapped. Been having trouble taking medicine regularly. Doing my best. I probably should eat before long too. I have kept the girls fed and watered, but that's about it. The shows? Simple entertainment to annoying in what, and how, they explore some things. Myth, lore, faith or lack of it, things well remembered. Monsters? Yes, true, if more of study for my part. But a distraction while I rest up.
There are things about the tales, and show, that annoy in a different way. Like the leads having tans in spite of obviously being so fully clothed all the time, and when not, they don't have the farmer's marks (tan lines to the neck and only so far up the arms). Some other things, of course. Exorcisms that work, 100% an immediately? Sorry boys. It can take days, months, perhaps longer. Spells? There are no spells. The closest we can get are humble words, called prayers. And those need to be based on, and included in, and for, God's will, not our own. There are some other things, but it is a secular production, with a heavy belief in liberalism and popular liberalism, of the modern wrong sort. I've been in those shoes and those shoes lead to hell. No doubts. While there may be some who will make themselves tools of good or evil, most will just live and then die.
There are some interesting notions, as I have mentioned. They suggest something about what I discussed in the last sentence. They call them vessels, or skin suits when demons take possession. The problem I have seen with demon possessions is in the cases that are known? The possession doesn't work well and the possessed isn't able to... do all that much evil. The possessed, or their conscience... soul... may not be able to kick the demon(s) out, but they can interfere with the intended evil the demon(s) must have had when they took over the form. I suppose, however, that a human, willing to allow an evil spirit in, might be more amenable to doing evil. There are a few other notions that are... new possibilities.
Of course, I have mentioned nephilim here, and before. Being what they are, I have considered them forms of werewolves and vampires, among other things. Corrupted spawn of Adam and Eve. Some normal, mostly, appearing. Others of a more unnatural appearance, to include giants. Most know their place, after the flood. But monsters, in some cases, to be sure. Now, they named the mother of monsters Eve. I think it is because they had already used, and killed off, Lilith. She, actually, is the mother of monsters. Cain was the first father of monsters, but not the last. Well... stories, of course.
Oh, and the notion that the lead characters keep dying, usually not being allowed to remember that? And keep coming back? Oh, preaching to the choir on that one. One of them went through being the target of Lucifer's spirit on earth, the other of being St. Michael's body suit? Ring any bells? Not exactly, but things I have... considered, had concern regarding. Not so much Lucifer, if something dark. As I have suggested, I became Catholic, in part, to... make sure. But it's more being War that still... haunts me. Oh, and creatures like what I suggest I might be? The show suggest we go the purgatory. And... where did I go when I died, the time I remember. Bells, lots of bells. Never mind. Just stories.
Today? I am going to try to... get something done. A few dishes, a load of laundry, a shower, a meal... actually several, but not all, of those. I might even begin weening myself from the series. Perhaps a bit of gaming. I'm not sure I am up to gaming, though. Gaming can take it out of me. I'll know more later.
Good day.
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Oh, don't worry.
.
.
I've gone through five seasons in a few days. Four more to go. Why? Hmm... from time to time I see things. Believe? Who can? Not even I. Neither can I disbelieve. Have you ever received advice, or knowledge, or wisdom, that you were sure was bunk? But, when you ran out of options, you tried anyway? Now, this isn't wisdom or advice. Or good, that is. But sometimes there is knowledge. Correct knowledge? As to wisdom? The problem I see that the lead characters have is being secular. Without faith, hard things are harder and easy things are made even more difficult. It's just the way it goes. Struggle against God, or for Him. But you won't Defy Him, not His plan. Can't. Trust me.
As a writer, a storyteller, what bugs me? My stuff isn't all that original. Then again, I never really thought it was. I was pulling from the bible, New and Old. I was pulling from things I have read regarding lore for longer than some of my readers have been alive, by twice. Odin, the Princess of Pain, the demi-god(s) of death, even some weather or other anomalies? I know these, from other cultures, even from science. Some were in Judaism, Christianity, or brought to them. Others were out there in the pagan world. And, yes, I do believe in other gods, just no other God. I don't fully understand that myself, mind you. But whether angels, demons, or other beings, there have always been things more powerful than men. And a reason, at the very least in recent times, they have, for the most part, kept their heads down. God handed them their ass on a platter with the flood. Whether they believed in God before, He sure got their attention with that, and some other things. They know that His sheep, unless welcomed by the black sheep and only for those among them, and other soulless two legs, such as nephilim and children of Cain, are hands off. Why, or how, can I believe there are gods? God said so. He said, "Thou shalt not have strange gods before me". He did not say there were no other gods, He did not say this thing in any other way save to leave, at least, the possibility open. And, truly, the probability, as I see things. I half see His Words as warnings, almost more than a command. Much as a mechanic would advise against running an engine without oil. He is the Mechanic who put it, and us, all together. He would know.
Well, it is entertaining. And, in some interesting ways, informative. I hadn't considered the notion of being vessels, living who choose to offer themselves the form of angel, perhaps other things, willingly. I'm not sure it's necessary. If I do think the person involved... their true potential isn't realized until both they, and the circumstances they are meant to be a party to, exist in the same... what we would call timespace. I do believe, at any time, all who could play the roles, exist. They simply never fulfill their roles, most of them. They simply embody some aspects. But, say I was War, but unrealized. My health sucks, which might make being War... problematic. I think the other half of the key, to fulfilling a role, would return my flesh to health. That I am sure about.
Never mind, just running through ideas. A lot of similar material is covered on the show and in my writings. It is spooky to see it, irritating to see that others have already covered this material, and surprised at some of the notions, and similarities offered. And to note some differences that might be more correct. Tired, though. Time for a nap. I'm just over half way through. Good... night. Hmm... after one more episode.
.
I've gone through five seasons in a few days. Four more to go. Why? Hmm... from time to time I see things. Believe? Who can? Not even I. Neither can I disbelieve. Have you ever received advice, or knowledge, or wisdom, that you were sure was bunk? But, when you ran out of options, you tried anyway? Now, this isn't wisdom or advice. Or good, that is. But sometimes there is knowledge. Correct knowledge? As to wisdom? The problem I see that the lead characters have is being secular. Without faith, hard things are harder and easy things are made even more difficult. It's just the way it goes. Struggle against God, or for Him. But you won't Defy Him, not His plan. Can't. Trust me.
As a writer, a storyteller, what bugs me? My stuff isn't all that original. Then again, I never really thought it was. I was pulling from the bible, New and Old. I was pulling from things I have read regarding lore for longer than some of my readers have been alive, by twice. Odin, the Princess of Pain, the demi-god(s) of death, even some weather or other anomalies? I know these, from other cultures, even from science. Some were in Judaism, Christianity, or brought to them. Others were out there in the pagan world. And, yes, I do believe in other gods, just no other God. I don't fully understand that myself, mind you. But whether angels, demons, or other beings, there have always been things more powerful than men. And a reason, at the very least in recent times, they have, for the most part, kept their heads down. God handed them their ass on a platter with the flood. Whether they believed in God before, He sure got their attention with that, and some other things. They know that His sheep, unless welcomed by the black sheep and only for those among them, and other soulless two legs, such as nephilim and children of Cain, are hands off. Why, or how, can I believe there are gods? God said so. He said, "Thou shalt not have strange gods before me". He did not say there were no other gods, He did not say this thing in any other way save to leave, at least, the possibility open. And, truly, the probability, as I see things. I half see His Words as warnings, almost more than a command. Much as a mechanic would advise against running an engine without oil. He is the Mechanic who put it, and us, all together. He would know.
Well, it is entertaining. And, in some interesting ways, informative. I hadn't considered the notion of being vessels, living who choose to offer themselves the form of angel, perhaps other things, willingly. I'm not sure it's necessary. If I do think the person involved... their true potential isn't realized until both they, and the circumstances they are meant to be a party to, exist in the same... what we would call timespace. I do believe, at any time, all who could play the roles, exist. They simply never fulfill their roles, most of them. They simply embody some aspects. But, say I was War, but unrealized. My health sucks, which might make being War... problematic. I think the other half of the key, to fulfilling a role, would return my flesh to health. That I am sure about.
Never mind, just running through ideas. A lot of similar material is covered on the show and in my writings. It is spooky to see it, irritating to see that others have already covered this material, and surprised at some of the notions, and similarities offered. And to note some differences that might be more correct. Tired, though. Time for a nap. I'm just over half way through. Good... night. Hmm... after one more episode.
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
No choice.
.
.
I had to take down-time. There wasn't an option. Oh, I might have been able to push through for a few more days. Not really on fumes, on ghost. I've done it before. The price would have been even higher. As is, I realized I was at the end of my rope and pulled over to the side to take a planned rest. The series showing up was fortuitous. It gave me something to sink my teeth into. I'm not even half way through, and may push to finish it. Entertaining, of course. Some of it offers deja vu, of a sort, but among story tellers, mind you. I have been trying to keep up on medicine. When I hit that wall, doing much is quite a trick. I've only missed a dose or two. Sleeping has just been what it has been.
I am back to trying to figure out what to do, however, and how to do it. I don't know if I will do much work today, but I will begin doing some things. It's just the way that works out sometimes. I pushed last week, and very hard. I did go beyond what... I thought I should. I sort of fell into a trap of my own design, then got good and stuck. I over-promise, but this time it wasn't just involving me. So... At least I was able to keep most of my word. No shooting Thursday, but I did do some things Thursday and again Friday. Yeah... I over-reached my boundaries, and not by a little. And, when I can, I'll do that as often as I can. I just knew there was a price, and simply paid it. It's when I get stingy with rest that I am more at risk for a very long dirt type dive. Probably. I am just hoping the price is nearly paid in full and I can get back to work. Just a few days of good work this week would make me happy, if I think only a few things can happen. I'll put in what I can.
I went to bed very late. I woke earlier than usual. I did a sort of test, to see if this would be pushing my body too much. It seemed okay with it, so I got up. One thing I will be doing is, again and now, pushing for an earlier bedtime and earlier rises. At least I was well within it still being actually morning when I woke. That bottle simply had to spin, for a while, sleep that is. It seems to be coming back into some control. I may need a nap, and will take one, in another hour I suspect. This life I lead is sort of messed up. I am limited, there are prices to pay for doing much of anything, sleep isn't always something I can control, but I put every ounce of what I can offer on the table and push on through. Falling, rising, doing, sleeping, eating. In some ways no more or less than others, in another sense far less, and yet in another sense... far more. Few could do what I do while I do far less than most. I don't like that answer, but... it's just the way it is.
Well, back to the series. A couple more then nap time. Then on to seeing what I might be able to get done. Later.
.
I had to take down-time. There wasn't an option. Oh, I might have been able to push through for a few more days. Not really on fumes, on ghost. I've done it before. The price would have been even higher. As is, I realized I was at the end of my rope and pulled over to the side to take a planned rest. The series showing up was fortuitous. It gave me something to sink my teeth into. I'm not even half way through, and may push to finish it. Entertaining, of course. Some of it offers deja vu, of a sort, but among story tellers, mind you. I have been trying to keep up on medicine. When I hit that wall, doing much is quite a trick. I've only missed a dose or two. Sleeping has just been what it has been.
I am back to trying to figure out what to do, however, and how to do it. I don't know if I will do much work today, but I will begin doing some things. It's just the way that works out sometimes. I pushed last week, and very hard. I did go beyond what... I thought I should. I sort of fell into a trap of my own design, then got good and stuck. I over-promise, but this time it wasn't just involving me. So... At least I was able to keep most of my word. No shooting Thursday, but I did do some things Thursday and again Friday. Yeah... I over-reached my boundaries, and not by a little. And, when I can, I'll do that as often as I can. I just knew there was a price, and simply paid it. It's when I get stingy with rest that I am more at risk for a very long dirt type dive. Probably. I am just hoping the price is nearly paid in full and I can get back to work. Just a few days of good work this week would make me happy, if I think only a few things can happen. I'll put in what I can.
I went to bed very late. I woke earlier than usual. I did a sort of test, to see if this would be pushing my body too much. It seemed okay with it, so I got up. One thing I will be doing is, again and now, pushing for an earlier bedtime and earlier rises. At least I was well within it still being actually morning when I woke. That bottle simply had to spin, for a while, sleep that is. It seems to be coming back into some control. I may need a nap, and will take one, in another hour I suspect. This life I lead is sort of messed up. I am limited, there are prices to pay for doing much of anything, sleep isn't always something I can control, but I put every ounce of what I can offer on the table and push on through. Falling, rising, doing, sleeping, eating. In some ways no more or less than others, in another sense far less, and yet in another sense... far more. Few could do what I do while I do far less than most. I don't like that answer, but... it's just the way it is.
Well, back to the series. A couple more then nap time. Then on to seeing what I might be able to get done. Later.
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Oh now...
.
.
that's just messed. I write about the fact that the series is similar to... things in my life. And the next episode is a story about something, or someone... writing their story in a book. I don't know who or what, yet. Just started. Though I... have my suspicions. Messed up, big. Well, art, life, imitation, truth stranger the fiction... and? Shut up. Still don't like it. Well... back to the show.
Oh? I'm to 2:43 in this show. If the link doesn't quite work, or take you to it, it is season 4, episode 18. In case you have your own access methods.
--------
The ending of that? Worse. Ah well... Just stories, innit? *hanged man's grin*
.
that's just messed. I write about the fact that the series is similar to... things in my life. And the next episode is a story about something, or someone... writing their story in a book. I don't know who or what, yet. Just started. Though I... have my suspicions. Messed up, big. Well, art, life, imitation, truth stranger the fiction... and? Shut up. Still don't like it. Well... back to the show.
Oh? I'm to 2:43 in this show. If the link doesn't quite work, or take you to it, it is season 4, episode 18. In case you have your own access methods.
--------
The ending of that? Worse. Ah well... Just stories, innit? *hanged man's grin*
Oh, really?
.
.
Maybe or maybe not. I remember conversations I have had with folks about nephilim, demons, angels, God and the like. Some have read what I have written, others haven't. Belief? Yes and no. Some really think these things, and my understandings, are just stories. Entertaining, fairly well constructed mostly, with an ear to 'myth' and some follow up into reality. Linear, just a bit too far. Others have a much stronger belief, usually limited to areas of mutual agreement, leaving off large chunks where there isn't common ground. And, then, there are the folks who don't want to believe. People who's doubts are as much with their doubt as their belief.
The stories seem to be good enough. Even if they must be doubted. And, some doubts... I understand. For example, the notion that the four horsemen, or one of them at least, heard the call to God? Many believe the horsemen are damned. Hell following with the pale horseman might be an indication. And, of course, the notion that one of them is Satan himself. Could be. But something that might be missed is free will colliding with fate and God's will. Well... and confusion and misunderstanding... even for those who participate, as sheep or the actual bringers of the end. Could one or all of the horsemen be Christian, in the true sense of the word? Or even, how could they not be. Either way, they are doing God's will, work. Then again, Satan is doing God's work, and will, just not... consciously willfully? Something. Notions, just like any normal man or woman... something to consider. I don't reap doubt, mind you, I just have and live it, on some things.
People want someone to know all, tell it. Truth is? Only God knows. No, not even angels know. Not St. Michael, not St. Gabriel. It doesn't work like that. They don't even have souls. Usually they don't have flesh. As I have said, that is why good intentions are not enough. It takes good intentions, coupled with positive follow through, ending in a good result. Or it simply doesn't matter. Patting yourself on the back for giving an alcoholic bum a $20 spot, so he can continue to drink? It's the bricks the road to hell is paved with. Feeding, clothing, finding housing for, a family who has had a fire gut their home, until they can get back on their feet? Until they do? Without a price? That's more like it. Even visiting a filthy criminal in prison, and telling them that you are praying for them, or visiting the sick. These are good when done for goodness' sake. There is more. Church, for example, will not save. Only Christ can, and knowing Him. And... Him knowing you. Meet and great Him, let Him into your life, then go to church. Church will not save you anymore than sin can damn you, save the one. But if you go there, do that once and for all damning sin, you will know it beforehand. No one does that by accident. That's a part of that sin, to do it knowingly. It is doubt in God's forgiveness that will damn many, most actually. For that is doubting the power of Christ's sacrifice, which is one aspect of the unforgivable sin.
I don't know it all. I have spent a hard life looking. For truth, which turns out to be Truth. I have made, make, and will continue to make, mistakes, to sin. Big, small, known, and unknown. But my faith isn't in my deeds, knowledge, wisdom, it is in Christ. I used to believe I was strong enough to be my own. No one is, save God. Period. I understand secularism, spiritualism, and even an attempt at atheism. I have been past the veil, seen that there is Truth beyond it. Took a long time to finally bow. In humility, in reverence, in awe, and not just for what I will get. I have some doubts if I have a soul. Even so, I bow. Belief about the rest of it? No more required than a belief in angels, or demons. Not required, though... strongly advised, as I see things. The bible isn't a story book. My blog may be, but the bible isn't. Is the bible understood? I think, mostly, but still yes and no, not even by the faithful, not even by angels, certainly not by demons.
Anyway. Yeah, I understand doubts. I commend them, recommend them at times, have them, and share them. But I have seen what I have seen, done what I have done, and share it... if... not always absolutely directly, or accurately. I am not sure we can, yet, share like that. We don't even know our own minds, not fully. How are we going to share what we don't know? Will? The faithful give that to God and yet still sin.
Yeah... I saw doubt in a young man's eyes, one who reads here from time to time. He won't question me, not directly. And, I was thinking... I am glad he cannot believe. I hope he never learns what would allow him to believe. But I don't want him to die young, either. He will know, or the possibilities, should he live long enough. Innocence is lost, in life, and only the Redeemer can find it and return it. I just hope that, when the pains of some of the truths of life find him, that he will find the humility to kneel. And pray. And surrender to the understanding that he can't know and isn't strong enough to... be his own man. Not without God.
Oh... well... yes... I'm not just an ogre, or nephilim, hiding away. I think, live, breath, hope, and pray. And I probably have seen and done things that really aren't possible. Either slightly deluded, a bit mind and soul weary, perhaps open to suggestion, but maybe, just maybe... telling some truths that are uncomfortable. I remember much, but so little too, at times... Later.
.
Maybe or maybe not. I remember conversations I have had with folks about nephilim, demons, angels, God and the like. Some have read what I have written, others haven't. Belief? Yes and no. Some really think these things, and my understandings, are just stories. Entertaining, fairly well constructed mostly, with an ear to 'myth' and some follow up into reality. Linear, just a bit too far. Others have a much stronger belief, usually limited to areas of mutual agreement, leaving off large chunks where there isn't common ground. And, then, there are the folks who don't want to believe. People who's doubts are as much with their doubt as their belief.
The stories seem to be good enough. Even if they must be doubted. And, some doubts... I understand. For example, the notion that the four horsemen, or one of them at least, heard the call to God? Many believe the horsemen are damned. Hell following with the pale horseman might be an indication. And, of course, the notion that one of them is Satan himself. Could be. But something that might be missed is free will colliding with fate and God's will. Well... and confusion and misunderstanding... even for those who participate, as sheep or the actual bringers of the end. Could one or all of the horsemen be Christian, in the true sense of the word? Or even, how could they not be. Either way, they are doing God's will, work. Then again, Satan is doing God's work, and will, just not... consciously willfully? Something. Notions, just like any normal man or woman... something to consider. I don't reap doubt, mind you, I just have and live it, on some things.
People want someone to know all, tell it. Truth is? Only God knows. No, not even angels know. Not St. Michael, not St. Gabriel. It doesn't work like that. They don't even have souls. Usually they don't have flesh. As I have said, that is why good intentions are not enough. It takes good intentions, coupled with positive follow through, ending in a good result. Or it simply doesn't matter. Patting yourself on the back for giving an alcoholic bum a $20 spot, so he can continue to drink? It's the bricks the road to hell is paved with. Feeding, clothing, finding housing for, a family who has had a fire gut their home, until they can get back on their feet? Until they do? Without a price? That's more like it. Even visiting a filthy criminal in prison, and telling them that you are praying for them, or visiting the sick. These are good when done for goodness' sake. There is more. Church, for example, will not save. Only Christ can, and knowing Him. And... Him knowing you. Meet and great Him, let Him into your life, then go to church. Church will not save you anymore than sin can damn you, save the one. But if you go there, do that once and for all damning sin, you will know it beforehand. No one does that by accident. That's a part of that sin, to do it knowingly. It is doubt in God's forgiveness that will damn many, most actually. For that is doubting the power of Christ's sacrifice, which is one aspect of the unforgivable sin.
I don't know it all. I have spent a hard life looking. For truth, which turns out to be Truth. I have made, make, and will continue to make, mistakes, to sin. Big, small, known, and unknown. But my faith isn't in my deeds, knowledge, wisdom, it is in Christ. I used to believe I was strong enough to be my own. No one is, save God. Period. I understand secularism, spiritualism, and even an attempt at atheism. I have been past the veil, seen that there is Truth beyond it. Took a long time to finally bow. In humility, in reverence, in awe, and not just for what I will get. I have some doubts if I have a soul. Even so, I bow. Belief about the rest of it? No more required than a belief in angels, or demons. Not required, though... strongly advised, as I see things. The bible isn't a story book. My blog may be, but the bible isn't. Is the bible understood? I think, mostly, but still yes and no, not even by the faithful, not even by angels, certainly not by demons.
Anyway. Yeah, I understand doubts. I commend them, recommend them at times, have them, and share them. But I have seen what I have seen, done what I have done, and share it... if... not always absolutely directly, or accurately. I am not sure we can, yet, share like that. We don't even know our own minds, not fully. How are we going to share what we don't know? Will? The faithful give that to God and yet still sin.
Yeah... I saw doubt in a young man's eyes, one who reads here from time to time. He won't question me, not directly. And, I was thinking... I am glad he cannot believe. I hope he never learns what would allow him to believe. But I don't want him to die young, either. He will know, or the possibilities, should he live long enough. Innocence is lost, in life, and only the Redeemer can find it and return it. I just hope that, when the pains of some of the truths of life find him, that he will find the humility to kneel. And pray. And surrender to the understanding that he can't know and isn't strong enough to... be his own man. Not without God.
Oh... well... yes... I'm not just an ogre, or nephilim, hiding away. I think, live, breath, hope, and pray. And I probably have seen and done things that really aren't possible. Either slightly deluded, a bit mind and soul weary, perhaps open to suggestion, but maybe, just maybe... telling some truths that are uncomfortable. I remember much, but so little too, at times... Later.
Yes, still awake.
.
.
Look, it's the way it goes sometimes. At least there is entertainment.
What amazes me about the shows is... well... if you have read here for a long time, you will see some of the notions covered. More isn't written. No, never a demon hunter, or even monster hunter, of course. A hunter, and a lorehound, sure. And some of the things I have seen. If you took my blog and made it into a series of shows... you could get there. It's almost spooky at times.
It is tearing my body up, a bit, to watch. I am sort of trying to sort that part out and get back to normal. I just seem fixated. I am about a third the way through. As I said, add the two lead character together. They are seemingly opposites, so I can see why the doubt. I call it the Durden/Narrator effect. And, as I have mentioned, I am... many things. A bastard of many things. This is just one area. Too big, too little, too strong, too weak. All stories, of course. But stories are, hmm... all we are. Never mind, just some thoughts.
Of course, perhaps I am just open to suggestion. Perhaps, being ill, I think whatever I am sold. But I am going to tell you, whatever the case, that there is some strong mojo in those tales, according to my own understandings. They aren't perfect, or always right, and of course fictionally based... for now. But they cover much, sometimes the stories have the details right according to what I have learned and seen, sometimes it is the characters and as I have lived my life and come to believe, or simply gone through. It truly is almost spooky. I really can't wait to see more. Oh, and... I am lip syncing some of the episodes as I am watching, in time with the dialogue... the first time I see them. Yes, yes... it certainly happens.
Never mind, again. Just... saying. Oh, but remember, I haven't watched television for... years, half a decade? A decade now? And I don't read, so... Yeah, never mind.
Good... night.
.
Look, it's the way it goes sometimes. At least there is entertainment.
What amazes me about the shows is... well... if you have read here for a long time, you will see some of the notions covered. More isn't written. No, never a demon hunter, or even monster hunter, of course. A hunter, and a lorehound, sure. And some of the things I have seen. If you took my blog and made it into a series of shows... you could get there. It's almost spooky at times.
It is tearing my body up, a bit, to watch. I am sort of trying to sort that part out and get back to normal. I just seem fixated. I am about a third the way through. As I said, add the two lead character together. They are seemingly opposites, so I can see why the doubt. I call it the Durden/Narrator effect. And, as I have mentioned, I am... many things. A bastard of many things. This is just one area. Too big, too little, too strong, too weak. All stories, of course. But stories are, hmm... all we are. Never mind, just some thoughts.
Of course, perhaps I am just open to suggestion. Perhaps, being ill, I think whatever I am sold. But I am going to tell you, whatever the case, that there is some strong mojo in those tales, according to my own understandings. They aren't perfect, or always right, and of course fictionally based... for now. But they cover much, sometimes the stories have the details right according to what I have learned and seen, sometimes it is the characters and as I have lived my life and come to believe, or simply gone through. It truly is almost spooky. I really can't wait to see more. Oh, and... I am lip syncing some of the episodes as I am watching, in time with the dialogue... the first time I see them. Yes, yes... it certainly happens.
Never mind, again. Just... saying. Oh, but remember, I haven't watched television for... years, half a decade? A decade now? And I don't read, so... Yeah, never mind.
Good... night.
Monday, July 7, 2014
Longer than a nap.
.
.
But I wouldn't exactly call it a regular sleep. Tonight I will put in the effort to get to bed earlier, and wake earlier. I've simply not been sleeping as I should, and it's kind of fun to let go on that once in a while. To push it, instead of cowing to sleep needs and demands. I don't get to do that often, I often can't, and I have been putting things in the schedule that sort of preclude that anyway, this summer. But I think it's giving me headaches. So... enough fun is enough. Still, it really was fun. When I was a "kid", that was my life. Burning the candle at both ends wasn't a joy, that was just regular life. Don't most "kids" do that?
I keep thinking about Game. From alpha types, to include sigmas, on to betas, deltas, and gammas. Truth is, the difference is often one of perception and interaction. Who believes what. It is why I suggest, when questioned, turn that back on the questioner. A question like, "Just who do you think you are?", needs to be turned on it's head. An assertive answer like,"Uhrm, who, exactly, do YOU think I am?", but without much emphasis on the question, and more of a demand/command style interrogative, pushing into 'their' territory and space and mind, is the way to go. Add a dose of mockery and some slighting of the original intent and directed at the questioner...
Still, the physical differences between men at the different levels isn't all that much. It's a matter of will power, in the end. Oh, sure, some believe that a very fit man is higher on the totem pole. That isn't even true. It's only good for players. Having muscle, for a man, is as natural as having beauty for a woman, and varies. But it's more having enough will and enough strength to back that up reasonably. That's all it takes. But enough strength too, to not have to become aggressive. Assertive is all that is needed, with the strength to ensure it. Being a body beautiful isn't good. Besides, what it takes to get and maintain that detracts from the necessary interactions needed to find a woman. It's the male equivalent of a woman who spends so much time dressing and making herself up that she has no time to get out and be noticed. Also, it often makes a man a muscle nerd. If that is all he has, he depends on it too much, much as a man of poetry. A trap of, and in, self. Although being weak of body makes having a strong will and the ability to express confidence equally difficult. There is a balance.
It is a competitive sport. The prize you ask? Why... it's children. Although having children conveys a lot more than just that. Wanted or not. Which means those pretty couples who stay pretty but have no children? Are dead ends. Vanity over genetic continuation is just as much a failure as the people who believe their ugliness, or weakness(es), bars them from entering the Game, and so are single and angry. Oh, I'm ugly, I just don't care. :) I just can't get to the arena for competition these days. Too tired. Same effect, unfortunately, but at least I'm taking a pile of pills just to draw in air, so have an excuse. And, even so, I have at least three children out there. And have been engaged four times. Both those over the fact that I have nearly been dead most of my adult life. I feel sorry for those who have nothing, not even memories.
I guess I just get grumpy about people who could, should, easily find love, but don't even try. Some of them haven't been trained well. It doesn't take much to lift your abilities, either. If many don't understand that. Then again, the pressure, social, economic, cultural, governmental, and even in most "churches", for generations now, has been dead set against people having children. Those who are natural to it, though, have ignored. Often, like when I was younger, lip service was paid to the ideas while I was busy putting my boots under many beds. There is that, natural Game. But it doesn't work out well, even with successes. Something has to give on those fronts. It will, but only through an economic collapse. An inevitable one. We are about a third to a quarter of the way through that. It's a matter of not letting everything collapse. But that doesn't seem to be the case either. Time will tell if Wisdom, or death, wins out.
Blathering. Yes indeed. Just woke. Some dreams still on the tongue but just slightly out of reach and sight, I think. Short sleeps don't leave much margin by which to remember such things. But... it's in the post, somehow.
Later.
.
But I wouldn't exactly call it a regular sleep. Tonight I will put in the effort to get to bed earlier, and wake earlier. I've simply not been sleeping as I should, and it's kind of fun to let go on that once in a while. To push it, instead of cowing to sleep needs and demands. I don't get to do that often, I often can't, and I have been putting things in the schedule that sort of preclude that anyway, this summer. But I think it's giving me headaches. So... enough fun is enough. Still, it really was fun. When I was a "kid", that was my life. Burning the candle at both ends wasn't a joy, that was just regular life. Don't most "kids" do that?
I keep thinking about Game. From alpha types, to include sigmas, on to betas, deltas, and gammas. Truth is, the difference is often one of perception and interaction. Who believes what. It is why I suggest, when questioned, turn that back on the questioner. A question like, "Just who do you think you are?", needs to be turned on it's head. An assertive answer like,"Uhrm, who, exactly, do YOU think I am?", but without much emphasis on the question, and more of a demand/command style interrogative, pushing into 'their' territory and space and mind, is the way to go. Add a dose of mockery and some slighting of the original intent and directed at the questioner...
Still, the physical differences between men at the different levels isn't all that much. It's a matter of will power, in the end. Oh, sure, some believe that a very fit man is higher on the totem pole. That isn't even true. It's only good for players. Having muscle, for a man, is as natural as having beauty for a woman, and varies. But it's more having enough will and enough strength to back that up reasonably. That's all it takes. But enough strength too, to not have to become aggressive. Assertive is all that is needed, with the strength to ensure it. Being a body beautiful isn't good. Besides, what it takes to get and maintain that detracts from the necessary interactions needed to find a woman. It's the male equivalent of a woman who spends so much time dressing and making herself up that she has no time to get out and be noticed. Also, it often makes a man a muscle nerd. If that is all he has, he depends on it too much, much as a man of poetry. A trap of, and in, self. Although being weak of body makes having a strong will and the ability to express confidence equally difficult. There is a balance.
It is a competitive sport. The prize you ask? Why... it's children. Although having children conveys a lot more than just that. Wanted or not. Which means those pretty couples who stay pretty but have no children? Are dead ends. Vanity over genetic continuation is just as much a failure as the people who believe their ugliness, or weakness(es), bars them from entering the Game, and so are single and angry. Oh, I'm ugly, I just don't care. :) I just can't get to the arena for competition these days. Too tired. Same effect, unfortunately, but at least I'm taking a pile of pills just to draw in air, so have an excuse. And, even so, I have at least three children out there. And have been engaged four times. Both those over the fact that I have nearly been dead most of my adult life. I feel sorry for those who have nothing, not even memories.
I guess I just get grumpy about people who could, should, easily find love, but don't even try. Some of them haven't been trained well. It doesn't take much to lift your abilities, either. If many don't understand that. Then again, the pressure, social, economic, cultural, governmental, and even in most "churches", for generations now, has been dead set against people having children. Those who are natural to it, though, have ignored. Often, like when I was younger, lip service was paid to the ideas while I was busy putting my boots under many beds. There is that, natural Game. But it doesn't work out well, even with successes. Something has to give on those fronts. It will, but only through an economic collapse. An inevitable one. We are about a third to a quarter of the way through that. It's a matter of not letting everything collapse. But that doesn't seem to be the case either. Time will tell if Wisdom, or death, wins out.
Blathering. Yes indeed. Just woke. Some dreams still on the tongue but just slightly out of reach and sight, I think. Short sleeps don't leave much margin by which to remember such things. But... it's in the post, somehow.
Later.
Oh well.
.
.
No, I didn't get to bed by 23:00, or 0:00. It's 9:00 and I am just thinking about a bit of a nap. Beastly weird lately. It's like, while my body can't continue my little push, my mind can, and does. It's doing neuronet pushups. It's wearing me out a bit. But I'll bet I'll be able to make due with a simple nap again. I did remember to get the trash out. It's not recycling day so I skipped messing too much with that.
It is wearing on my body, now. But... so be it. I have been getting medicine in, feeding the girls, and watching through the series as if it was a race. All good. I am hoping to wake in time to fully wake and make a call today. Either today or tomorrow. Then again, is today still a holiday? No... it wouldn't be, would it? I am so dated on holiday settings.
Good night. Or... probably more like just, later. I'll be up again before too long.
.
No, I didn't get to bed by 23:00, or 0:00. It's 9:00 and I am just thinking about a bit of a nap. Beastly weird lately. It's like, while my body can't continue my little push, my mind can, and does. It's doing neuronet pushups. It's wearing me out a bit. But I'll bet I'll be able to make due with a simple nap again. I did remember to get the trash out. It's not recycling day so I skipped messing too much with that.
It is wearing on my body, now. But... so be it. I have been getting medicine in, feeding the girls, and watching through the series as if it was a race. All good. I am hoping to wake in time to fully wake and make a call today. Either today or tomorrow. Then again, is today still a holiday? No... it wouldn't be, would it? I am so dated on holiday settings.
Good night. Or... probably more like just, later. I'll be up again before too long.
Sunday, July 6, 2014
Looks like I made it.
.
.
Even though I messed up sleep a bit, I sort of pushed on through by simply relaxing and watching vids. I'll be to bed before midnight tonight, and up by 8:00 I believe. And, tomorrow, whatever level of relaxation is needed will be had. Perhaps all of it will just be watching episodes, perhaps with some game play, maybe with some work. A phone call, about the faucet is the only thing for sure.
I will say, they have really caught some of my riffs in some of the shows. Only, as with the video about truth or truth... combine the two brothers. Now, imagine having that go on inside, to the darkest, funniest, best, worst. All the way to the logical conclusions, and back. I won't suggest more. I've painted the pictures here, with words, with music. I haven't even asked for, certainly not required, belief. I would prefer you not believe. That hurts a bit too much. Best to... take it as smoke, which then goes on to mean there was a fire, but minimize even the smoke. Or you will burn. I know.
Well... one more episode. And, no, I didn't make it through the season I started. Close, but... tomorrow. Good night.
.
Even though I messed up sleep a bit, I sort of pushed on through by simply relaxing and watching vids. I'll be to bed before midnight tonight, and up by 8:00 I believe. And, tomorrow, whatever level of relaxation is needed will be had. Perhaps all of it will just be watching episodes, perhaps with some game play, maybe with some work. A phone call, about the faucet is the only thing for sure.
I will say, they have really caught some of my riffs in some of the shows. Only, as with the video about truth or truth... combine the two brothers. Now, imagine having that go on inside, to the darkest, funniest, best, worst. All the way to the logical conclusions, and back. I won't suggest more. I've painted the pictures here, with words, with music. I haven't even asked for, certainly not required, belief. I would prefer you not believe. That hurts a bit too much. Best to... take it as smoke, which then goes on to mean there was a fire, but minimize even the smoke. Or you will burn. I know.
Well... one more episode. And, no, I didn't make it through the season I started. Close, but... tomorrow. Good night.
Well, okay...
.
.
A three or four hour nap was enough. Now I can continue on my merry vid watching way. If I need a break from that I may try out the new game or see if I can keep working on my old game. I'm feeling fairly good, as good as usual. Perhaps since I know I won't be pushing for any work, I was able to... just push through, if seemingly without pushing. Or... it's just the luck of the draw. I can't always do this. Morning medicines, then on to the shows... hmm... perhaps a shower first. The only two things I will do today is to get the trash bins to the curb, policing any remnants before I do. That and take a shower this "morning". That is it. I'll check to see if tomorrow is recycling. If so I might break down a few boxes and do a few other things.
I'll probably try to bake through to 23:00, then try to lay down for the night. If I can, I'll at least make another call regarding the faucet tomorrow. Other than that, tomorrow and maybe Tuesday are a wash. Then I will begin thinking on things. I seriously need some down time, with no push, no shove, no schedule, no lists of lists of lists, no trips to town, nothing. Life isn't quite that pure, however, but I can cut it down to minimums. One show in the series, then a shower. Hmm... one cup of coffee, with that show, then a shower. Yes. Later.
.
A three or four hour nap was enough. Now I can continue on my merry vid watching way. If I need a break from that I may try out the new game or see if I can keep working on my old game. I'm feeling fairly good, as good as usual. Perhaps since I know I won't be pushing for any work, I was able to... just push through, if seemingly without pushing. Or... it's just the luck of the draw. I can't always do this. Morning medicines, then on to the shows... hmm... perhaps a shower first. The only two things I will do today is to get the trash bins to the curb, policing any remnants before I do. That and take a shower this "morning". That is it. I'll check to see if tomorrow is recycling. If so I might break down a few boxes and do a few other things.
I'll probably try to bake through to 23:00, then try to lay down for the night. If I can, I'll at least make another call regarding the faucet tomorrow. Other than that, tomorrow and maybe Tuesday are a wash. Then I will begin thinking on things. I seriously need some down time, with no push, no shove, no schedule, no lists of lists of lists, no trips to town, nothing. Life isn't quite that pure, however, but I can cut it down to minimums. One show in the series, then a shower. Hmm... one cup of coffee, with that show, then a shower. Yes. Later.
Okay, so far.
.
.
It's just about 9:30 and, so far, I'm just watching away.
Some odd things I've noticed? Bruises in odd places. No marks, oddly. Just the soreness. How I could possibly get bruises where I got them is... another question entirely. Something else that is odd? The finger I cooked... several times... then re-injured with a sunburn? As that heals, it's like other parts of my hands are... getting damage similar to the burn. Almost as if the burn is migrating. No pain, just areas resembling burns. It has happened several times in the last few weeks. It comes and goes. Right now, a spot on the outside bottom of my right middle finger. Weird. Who knows, maybe I have simply picked up some sort of skin condition. My skin becomes dry, scaly a bit, and the damage seems to be coming from inside. I promise, I haven't burned my hands lately. I know when I do, even when it doesn't hurt. Odd.
Well, back to the series. Only 14 or 15 more to go for this season. Doubt if I will make it through that yet today, but... I'll get close. Interesting review of lore, myth, religion, much of which I know... a bit about. Not always how I have seen things, some new twists on such to be certain. It is entertaining. It was pop culture that lead me to learn what I have learned. I have simply taken it further. This is fiction I can handle. So far.
Well... later. Go have yourselves a good day. I am trying.
.
It's just about 9:30 and, so far, I'm just watching away.
Some odd things I've noticed? Bruises in odd places. No marks, oddly. Just the soreness. How I could possibly get bruises where I got them is... another question entirely. Something else that is odd? The finger I cooked... several times... then re-injured with a sunburn? As that heals, it's like other parts of my hands are... getting damage similar to the burn. Almost as if the burn is migrating. No pain, just areas resembling burns. It has happened several times in the last few weeks. It comes and goes. Right now, a spot on the outside bottom of my right middle finger. Weird. Who knows, maybe I have simply picked up some sort of skin condition. My skin becomes dry, scaly a bit, and the damage seems to be coming from inside. I promise, I haven't burned my hands lately. I know when I do, even when it doesn't hurt. Odd.
Well, back to the series. Only 14 or 15 more to go for this season. Doubt if I will make it through that yet today, but... I'll get close. Interesting review of lore, myth, religion, much of which I know... a bit about. Not always how I have seen things, some new twists on such to be certain. It is entertaining. It was pop culture that lead me to learn what I have learned. I have simply taken it further. This is fiction I can handle. So far.
Well... later. Go have yourselves a good day. I am trying.
No sleep tonight.
.
.
I probably could, even now, though I have some doubts. It's not that I am running hot, it's just that sleep isn't seeming like an option. I am watching a television series that I wanted to see. With something like eight years, and 22-23 episodes per years save a short 16 episode year... it'll be a while. And, I have a new game... 'The Last of Us'. I don't know if I can push on through until tomorrow night, but that is sort of the goal. Between not being able to sleep and having some things that are drawing me to stay awake...
Popcorn, earlier. I have some left. I found that jolly time select, I think... I'll check the brand later, actually does really well. Yeah, I prefer to pop it from kernel, and don't care for the stuff they put in pre-bagged popping corn. I've found a method of popping that works out here, and a brand that seems to work much better. Big and fluffy. There is still something just a bit off. I suspect it is because it is drier out here, or the altitude. But it is much better, and I would far rather have mountains, low crime, reasonable neighbors than perfect popcorn! Along with a touch of salt and butter, and so that I can cut salt some, I add garlic powder. Nothing fancy, just trying to abide the doctors' advice. I haven't seen much difference, and I won't cut salt completely, but I will... try to be more reasonable about it. I did love my salt. Then again, if it's a real killer, it should have killed me. I used to salt everything, heavily. Go figure. Ah well... Moderation seems fair enough.
I will take medications, as per time schedule. I just won't sleep until I have to sleep. That may happen. Or maybe just a nap in there somewhere. When I used to study, I could go a day or two if need be. I might have ended up crosseyed and short on temper and other forms of logic, but I did study well enough to pass engineering courses. Sometimes, if I had slept for a month, I had no choice. Bleh. And I have run a couple of all nighters recently enough with B and S man... Driving, this, and that. Of course, those about killed me... not in the literal way, just... Well... that's the story for tonight, and maybe tomorrow.
Later.
.
I probably could, even now, though I have some doubts. It's not that I am running hot, it's just that sleep isn't seeming like an option. I am watching a television series that I wanted to see. With something like eight years, and 22-23 episodes per years save a short 16 episode year... it'll be a while. And, I have a new game... 'The Last of Us'. I don't know if I can push on through until tomorrow night, but that is sort of the goal. Between not being able to sleep and having some things that are drawing me to stay awake...
Popcorn, earlier. I have some left. I found that jolly time select, I think... I'll check the brand later, actually does really well. Yeah, I prefer to pop it from kernel, and don't care for the stuff they put in pre-bagged popping corn. I've found a method of popping that works out here, and a brand that seems to work much better. Big and fluffy. There is still something just a bit off. I suspect it is because it is drier out here, or the altitude. But it is much better, and I would far rather have mountains, low crime, reasonable neighbors than perfect popcorn! Along with a touch of salt and butter, and so that I can cut salt some, I add garlic powder. Nothing fancy, just trying to abide the doctors' advice. I haven't seen much difference, and I won't cut salt completely, but I will... try to be more reasonable about it. I did love my salt. Then again, if it's a real killer, it should have killed me. I used to salt everything, heavily. Go figure. Ah well... Moderation seems fair enough.
I will take medications, as per time schedule. I just won't sleep until I have to sleep. That may happen. Or maybe just a nap in there somewhere. When I used to study, I could go a day or two if need be. I might have ended up crosseyed and short on temper and other forms of logic, but I did study well enough to pass engineering courses. Sometimes, if I had slept for a month, I had no choice. Bleh. And I have run a couple of all nighters recently enough with B and S man... Driving, this, and that. Of course, those about killed me... not in the literal way, just... Well... that's the story for tonight, and maybe tomorrow.
Later.
Saturday, July 5, 2014
Probably not going to do much.
.
.
Oh, I keep looking over tasks, or thinking about them. I just don't have enough going to do a thing about it. Even the game I am playing... well... I'm doing the highest difficulty level and it just isn't entertaining at the moment. So... back to watching that series I had started. A couple of those and it'll be time for bed. I will go back to trying to push my clock back. I guess time will tell with that.
I did try to call my mother. No go. She called the other day but I missed the call. I called mid-afternoon, so it should have been good. Who knows though. Perhaps they had their 4th thing today, or... who knows. I am happy to think she takes time off from her phone though. That thing can own people if they let it.
Good night.
.
Oh, I keep looking over tasks, or thinking about them. I just don't have enough going to do a thing about it. Even the game I am playing... well... I'm doing the highest difficulty level and it just isn't entertaining at the moment. So... back to watching that series I had started. A couple of those and it'll be time for bed. I will go back to trying to push my clock back. I guess time will tell with that.
I did try to call my mother. No go. She called the other day but I missed the call. I called mid-afternoon, so it should have been good. Who knows though. Perhaps they had their 4th thing today, or... who knows. I am happy to think she takes time off from her phone though. That thing can own people if they let it.
Good night.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)