Heck of a day.

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I can't wake up.  So tired.  I did do one small project, then just about crashed.  Going to try to do one more.  Maybe two?  Oh, heck, but today is rough.  Nothing more to eat, blood sugar is 240.  I'll have a fatted coffee, shortly, and a dose of insulin.  Something is really off today.

I think it actually warmed up a bit out there, earlier.  Not that I have been out, to enjoy it or otherwise.  Still, I'll be out in a bit, I hope.

Not great pains, but the neck is cracking and popping every time I look around.  More like there are grains in the works, sounds like, feels like, sand in a mechanism.  No aches or pains, just... something odd.

Ugh.  Life can go very odd very quickly.  So sleepy.  Slogging through life to get to a few things.  Hmm, perhaps something to eat, with the fatted coffee.  And definitely insulin.  Later.  Or goodnight.

A nap, no choice, again.

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I can't be sure when I went down.  I had been struggling to stay awake all morning.  I could guess that it was around 10:00, maybe half after.  I went down hard.  I woke around 12:30, give or take about a quarter... again guessing to a degree.  I'll be honest, I may have to go down again.  Not sure what the problem is.

I did check blood sugar as I went down.  After a check on that, it was 10:09.  Oh, but for whatever reason, blood sugar spiked.  Nothing I ate should have caused a spike.  It is what I have been eating for breakfast for the last few weeks.  Mostly chia seed, with a bit of flax, hot water of course, plus cinnamon, and my normal other spices and herbs.  For whatever reason, blood sugar spiked from 166 fasting to 277.  I only used 8 cc's of insulin, but sometimes I don't take insulin with breakfast.  Oh well.

I still hope to do a few things before going back to bed, if necessary.  Wow.  Not sure what the crushing sleepiness is about, or the blood sugar spike.  Shouldn't happen.  Later.

Almost fell back to sleep.

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Not sure what happened.  A morning crash.  Still, breakfast was in the works, so I kept with it.  I watched a documentary on ancient Egypt as a... backstop.  But, really, was snoozing most of it.  Just finished breakfast.  It actually takes at least twenty minutes.  Though, lately, I am giving the chia more time to bloom.  Today I gave it more like forty five minutes... a thirty minute, just chia and flax seed bloom time, then a bit more hot water but with the other ingredients.

It seemed a bit better.  Though, to be honest, I may try to figure out an overnight recipe, which can be warmed in the morning.  I suppose it would be fine cold, but that is more of a summer thing.  I really like a warm to hot slurry for breakfast.  It breaks that cold morning thing.

Still sleepy though.  Not sure what to do.  I may go on back and sleep just a bit longer.  Ugh.  I did take insulin, but just 8 cc's this morning.  With blood sugar being that low, and food being completely keto compliant, and then some, I didn't want to push that.  I just am not sure what to do at this point.

BP is 123/88 pulse 75.

Blood sugar is so difficult.  First, to break it down to a reasonable number.  Then to manage it as it gets lower.  I have been told various things, but those things don't really work.  No dosing if it is below 180?  It always ends up going higher.  There is, probably, some threshold at which I shouldn't dose, but I don't know what that is.  I'll find out soon enough.  At 140 and below, 120?  

And even keto food can trigger an upward spike.  And, for no good reason, downward spikes can happen, even when eating... I assume too few calories?  This is the equivalent of the bp dead zone, when it is around the 80s/60s, at least while still medicating.  But I need to clarify it a bit lower.  And... it will get there.  It's like sneaking up on a rattle snake, often in the dark.  I did with with bp, now to do it with diabetes.  I can't remember the lowest I have seen it, but that would probably be the time I fasted for five days?  On the verge of passing out for... what... four hours?  Give or take.  Then I ate a refrigerator of food, only to get blood sugar up to 118... two hours after my last bits?  Crazy.  That must have been extremely low.  Wish I had taken it, but was so ill couldn't think, or find the glucometer, was just trying not to pass out.  The lowest I remember, for sure, is 57... the last time I began getting it lower again.  Bleh.

Most of my life is boring.  But when I am getting healthy, or trying, things get... a bit more interesting.  I really wonder if life might improve if all stats are copesthetic.  I would still have to lose weight, and get in shape.  Not sure that is possible.  Then again, I didn't think this was possible.  People are finding out, at any age, that a bad heart is... almost a done deal.  Like or not, the shot is making more of us alike than should be.  If teenagers with a sudden bad heart have trouble living, imagine someone two to three times their age.  Yea.

Later.

Awake at 05:00?

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Strange.  I was to bed at 23:00.  It just took a while longer to get up and going to get there.  Not a terrible thing, just a bit annoying.  I had, really, started with the intention of getting to bed at just a bit after 21:00.  It... just... didn't happen.  I realized time was slipping, pushed and thought and considered.  But, nope.  Two hours to get to bed.  *sigh*

So, why up early?  No idea.  Further, I am feeling pretty good.  Really good.  Sleep was warm, a bit broken but not problematically.  Just, I woke from time to time, lightly or more fully.  Dreams, again.  One of which I wanted to share, but it has evaporated into the wakefulness.  Just a short one, as the ones yesterday.  If I only did remember one of those.

Medicine down, save for insulin.  I need to get water heating for that.  Though I did take a fasting blood sugar, for the first time in days.  With blood sugar seeming to be on the downtrend, I thought I would risk it.  With a non-keto supper I wasn't sure how bad it would be.  At 166 fasting, I'll happily take that.  No, not super doses of insulin.  Besides, that doesn't work.  Larger doses have a very limited benefit.  I have learned that keeping it smaller, and more frequent, if I am going that way, is the way.  At just a bit bigger than normal, more won't do anything.

Today?  Trash and recycling, and cat litter.  Chores, of course, around sunup or a bit after.  And a shower?  If I can get those things done, I'll be satisfied.  Nothing fancy.  I'd like to do more, not sure if I can.  Tired, though not sleepy this morning, for now... so far.

No pain, aches, or else.  Not a bad day at all.  Just a bit tired, weary.  The work I have been doing, and pushing to do, has gotten to me.  Trying to push through that, sometimes I can, sometimes not so much.  Trying to be warmer today.  The cold really gets to me.  It doesn't have to be all that cold inside, or out.  Sometimes that is just health, or lack of feeding, if I suspect lately it is more mild health than eating... mostly.  As bp comes down, that itself cools me off generally.  Not used to that yet.  Well, and as diabetes comes down, the heat of high blood sugar passes.  Why do you think chunk-bunnies have a hard time with heat, love the cool and need air conditioning?  Carbs, but also the high blood sugar and glucose.

I am simply having to adjust to a body running very different ways.  I am pretty sure the benefits, eventually, will outweigh the costs... if I can get used to the medicine and alter a few more ways... including dressing even more warmly than I already am.  Well, and layering.  It's tricky business.

On to get breakfast going.  Then... I don't know.  A shower first, if possible.  Then chores, I think.  Good morning and day.

Fading hope.

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I had hoped to warm and get to work.  That just wasn't possible.  Even with a meal, that just couldn't happen today.  Too cool?  Too dark?  Worn from recent efforts?  A mix of all?  So cold, I just can't seem to warm up.  That isn't the only part, but seems to be a bigger part?  I just don't know.

I'll keep at it.  Take medicine.  Eat as and when possible.  One more week of double potassium, then it's back to the agreed amount... dependent on how many water pills I take.  Now that I am to one, only one potassium is recommended.  I was taking the two, because I had been taking five pills for a week, or so.

I had thought I would still, in time, need to take more water pills, to get the remaining fluids out, but I don't think so now.  Oh, I think there remained excess fluid.  But, over time, with the flow having been created, that single water pill per day has pumped the remaining excess out.  My feet, ankles, and legs have been exceptional, and my midsection has been greatly improved... both in general feel, general physical touch, and else.  I think it is clear.

Anyway... still happy with the day.  I needed a nap, so took one.  I woke, and have been doing okay.  No pains, aches, headaches, or else.  I have managed food, with some help from others.  The girls are fed.  And I think I will get out and tend the rabbits one more time tonight?  Or not.  It hasn't frozen, so... and their food was set up well this morning.  So I may just go on to bed, fairly comfortable that all are taken care of as I am able and within reason.

Plus, if I get to bed shortly, perhaps I can wake earlier... dark, cold, or not.  Insulin, with dinner, and slow acting, have been taken.  Pill medicines too.  I'd like to stay up to check blood sugar in a bit, but that would make it a near 23:00 bedtime, so... nah.  Yeah, I think I will just head on up to sleep.

I do have a few treats up there, in case blood sugar drops.  I should take a bottle of water too.  It's difficult for me to eat, almost anything but certainly candy, without a draught.  I'll shut the door tonight, though.  As I want some more serious sleep.  I'll let the girls up, say, Monday?  Or Tuesday.  Every two to four days.  I love their company, but it mucks up my sleep!  Bah!  Good day, good evening, and good night.

Awake and stats.

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I had to nap.  As suggested.  So I did, mostly.  Couldn't warm, stay or keep warm, but slept moderately well.  I didn't let the girls up, but they can meowl through the floor like banshees.  Only did it once, or for a while?  Bleh.  No real reason, save that they can.  Lonely?  Or... something.

Down, as it ended up, a bit after 13:00.  Awake at 16:00.  Longer than a nap, but not a fully sleep cycle.  If I could have warmed, it would have helped.

Several dreams.  In one, I was talking to some woman... casually... about finding a woman.  You know how women push single guys to find women.  Always plugging for their kind.  After an half hour, she was a bit frustrated.  She said I didn't deserve a woman.  I just laughed at her.  But then said more.

I told her there are two types of men.  Those who tell women the truth, and those who live in lies with women.  Those who tell the truth hurt women with their tongues.  Those who live in the lies, half-truths, and else with which women are accustomed, use their fists when women wake them to some truth they aren't ready for.  I prefer the truth, many women prefer lies.  I get it.

I had another similar dream afterward.  Can't recall it, was hoping to post it.  Oh well.  Very short dreams.  I enjoyed the heck out of them though.

BP is 120/87 with a pulse of 82.  It's pushing higher, but this time it's been all day since morning meds, even if sleeping.  I think the cold isn't helping, oddly?  And blood sugar is 108.  Which is extremely odd.  It was 404 fasting, this morning.  Then 299 after breakfast and a dose?  How could it have fallen that much after just one meal and one dose?  Maybe the meter was, or is, off.  That is about a three hundred point drop.  Whatever.  For now, it is as it reads, unless I see too many other peculiarities.

Later.

Between the cold, dark, and damp...

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So tired.  Sleepy.  I'm thinking a nap.  Thinking?  Not sure there is an option.  Have you ever been in a crowd so packed that, other than angling out... if that may not be wise even if successful, the choices are limited to a very few things and only as possibilities, not sureties?  A nap is less a consideration than one of very few options.

As with the Christmas shopping crowd, in a major mall, when they used to be places people went, the choice of going on up with the crowd, to and up the escalator, or trying to get off to the side of the hall leading to the escalator...  If you have ever succeeded in getting off to the side, then getting stuck there, you know... best to just go on up, then find a way to split out to an exit or keep going to wherever you were headed.  Though the store will probably be too busy.  The choice is either pushing into insomnia or taking a nap, hoping for a better near future.

Medicines, and insulin, were taken.  I have a timer set to let me know when readings could be taken, when it would be optimal.  And, I know, taking a nap will throw those off.  Definitely blood sugar.  But, oh well.  As I mentioned, the choice is to induce insomnia or nap it off and have some chance at a working afternoon.

Yesterday was rough, this way, too.  I pushed on through.  And, mostly successfully.  I don't think it will work like that today.

Surprised the kid was acquitted.  Of course, it isn't over.  Every bureaucracy, other levels of government "justice", the city and state, civil courts, and mob rule are all still a viable threat.  "Our side" does nothing for it's people.  Their side actively goes after us at every level, legally and not.  It's why we lose.  I'll send a prayer, but I don't expect him to survive long, or remain free.

Later.

Up, finally.

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It was right at ten when I could finally kick out.  Down right at 23:00.  I had tried to get more work done, failed, then had to slowly head to bed when I realized nothing was going to happen.  It was 22:30 when I decided, but it took a bit.  I had become slightly chair-bound.  Still, better than that sometimes turns out.

Chores, first thing this morning.  Most of their food and water was good.  A few had consumed most of their water, so those were changed.  A few needed more food, that was arranged.  Looking good, healthy, chipper.  I don't think it froze last night, or the waterers certainly didn't.  And, if the ground froze, then it thawed before I got out there.  Possible, but I don't think so.

It did rain, or lightly hail, from time to time overnight.  Very lightly, a time or two that I heard, after sleep.  Heavier a bit before bedtime and earlier yet.  Still a bit overcast this morning, but in such a way that almost anything could happen.  It might clear, or get heavier, it might rain, who knows snow isn't impossible.

Three things on the priority list.  Changing the girls' litter, showering, and getting dishes started.  On the lower end, getting clothes upstairs to be dealt with, and tearing down boxes.  And, in the near to late term, trash and recycling being gathered and taken out.  Well, and keeping up on feeding the girls, and myself.  Perhaps a few little things to add to those projects, or on their own but to help those or the idea of those.  Ugh.

Sleep was superior.  Warm, comfortable, if I woke a bit more often than preferred.  Then again, I let the girls up, last night, and they... well... they do what they do.  "Ah, a head!  I'll bet I can tightrope it, what do you think, Sassy!",  "Oh, I'm sure of it.  Go for it!"  I should check my forehead for paw prints.  Still, they are fun, once in a while.  Even their nighttime dramas.  "She touched me!",  Now, Sam?  It was you who went over and sat on her head, so...  "But... you aren't listening!  She TOUCHED me!".  Cats... and girl cats to boot.

Not many aches or pains, and very light.  Mostly from not rolling when I wanted to, because a cat was sleeping in the way.  No major issue, not worried about it.  Still, I miss when the girls aren't there, if I simply won't let them up every night.  Every few nights, as I remember.

Breakfast water is heating.  Pills are in.  Electrolytes and added vitamins are going down.  Hopefully some work in a bit, stats before too long.  But, for now, just some waking.  It is good to have chores done already.  I'll need to do them later, as they are beginning to change their drinking and eating speeds, so I'll have to... then again, other than water, I don't mind them going hungry overnight, as long as they had food in the day...  Yea.  Later.

Past bedtime.

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I did eat.  Got bills paid, finally.  For whatever reason, that was a stress... which means it got delayed.  Still, done!  Finally.  Everyone hereabouts is fed and mostly tended.  I am only awake because I kept hoping to wring out a bit more work.  Laundry is done, or at least all dried.  Bits were done, but nothing big, as I had hoped.

Though, given all, it's been a good week.  Started toward the middle, and not a great deal done.  But more than I have done in the month before it, or nearly?  Well, definitely more, without pain, or extreme physical taxation.  I don't even hurt currently.  I haven't had to take a pain pill all week.  I have been staying on meds, eating pretty good, with a few excesses.  

Hungry, and still hungry.  But, fairly.  I have been eating as little as 600 or 700 calories on most of the days.  I... can't do that.  Deficit eating, at a third or less of a practical calorie deficit menu, will lead to... has lead to... overeating.  My problem is, I haven't been able to get to cooking, which actually requires cleaning... of dishes and areas.  And some sorting and discarding of everything from food stuffs to pots and pans and dishes to empty boxes.

Still, I'm... I'm doing what I can, as I can.  I'll keep at it.  Still dragging, a bit, due to meds.  But, since I can work, I am... up to the level I am able.  Really, doing well.  Trying to catch up on whatever I can, as I remember, and then in as ordered a fashion as possible.  Damn if it isn't a harsh thing.  No help, no list I can keep on top of, but at least memory is better.

No, I'll... keep at it.  But it's bedtime.  I won't do more tonight.  Can't.  Should have gone to bed a while ago.  But, then again, it beats the 01:30... or 02:30 bedtimes which have happened a few times the last two weeks.  Goodnight, sleep well, pleasant dreams, or may your work be smooth.  Amen.

Stats...

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Sure takes a while, but... tired, moving slow.  BP was 120/86 with a pulse of 71.  I had to take it twice, but I know why.  And, yeah, it happens.  Blood sugar is 166.  I used medium insulin dose, which is about half what I have generally been using, to bring it down faster.  If that is around twice what a small dose is.  Well, and it has only been an hour or so since I ate.

When diabetes is more controlled, an hour is okay to test.  Usually.  When not well controlled, as now, an hour is pushing it.  I haven't been testing in the morning, and wont until the average is around 150 or less.  Because, until that mark, or a bit after, morning reads are the highest of the day and I don't consider them an actual good reading.  Until then, they are automatic outliers.  Still, getting there.  The average for the week is 161.  Though, that is without morning reads.  So, I'll probably wait until more like a 130 or less weekly average.

Chores were done.  Their water wasn't freezing.  Some of them were empty, or enough so to be changed, but not all.  I'll refill them this afternoon, and check again this evening.  For now, even if thawed, if they are thirsty and are drinking, I will refill and replace at their leisure.  Their food consumption has dipped, a lot.  Which is fine.  But I am keeping those rather full.

Hungry, though.  Terribly hungry.  I may... try to get to town.  Ugh.  A few calls, I hope, first.  I'd love a shower, but... maybe not.  It's so dark out there, and cool.  My brain is just having a hard time lighting off, though that has been true all week.  Work is a double chore when I can't seem to stay awake!  Later.

120/86 71

Early down, late up.

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I went to sleep shortly after 21:00.  I only woke, perhaps, two or three times... which is rather good.  I don't even think I fully woke those times.  I am used to waking four to eight times, sometimes more.  A few times completely awake, or closer to it.  Last night, and recently generally, has been better.

I woke at about 08:30.  But, then, it is overcast, I worked a goodly bit yesterday, and... well, that's enough.

I reset medicines today, in the month tender.  It looks like I am out of some things, but have an appointment coming up.  Though I need to call in, in any case.  So I'll order meds soon.  But, for a month, I am set up.  Then I loaded what was in the wash into the dryer and started that.  I don't really have another full load, so will hold off on more laundry.

I gave the girls treats.  Had to remember to bring out a fresh pack this morning.  But, all good.  Between this and that, I am tired again already.  Which is fine.  I'll take a little break, then get to chores next, and a shower after that.  Probably a break inbetween.  Not much work, but with what has been happening, and how out of shape I have become due to sitting form months, it is taking it out of me.

It is almost a miracle that I am doing what I am.  A light switch, almost, off then on.  But, imagine the capacity of a lightbulb to be rusty.  It isn't quite so easy, even if it has the applications to make it seem easy.

Breakfast, when I get a bit of air, and energy, back.  I did set the pot to heating.  Not sure how warm it will still be.  But it has an half hour hold button.  Not sure how long it was ago, though.  Still, it also has some insulation, so keep beyond that, to some degree.

I also turned the heat up just a bit, to warm the waterers for the rabbits.  Though, I did step out, to see the temp.  It is about 33 to 34 F, right on the line.  It may have gotten to freezing last night, being at least 08:30 when I checked.  Ugh.  If not, their waters may still be good.  My job is to check them, change them out if frozen or empty, twice a day.  And check their food once a day unless there is a reason to do otherwise.

Oh, and maybe fresh water for the girls.  Now that I am back to things, a bit better, I'd like to spoil them a bit, for my recent laxity.  It's as good as I can do.  And, they really appreciate my efforts, and are as forgiving as possible when I fail.  They really are.  Not much choice, though they could... be ruthless.  Trust me.

Pill medicines are down, electrolytes sipped, and the extra vitamins about to go down.  Vitamin D and C are sort of extras, a bit big for the pill dispenser.  Most others are easily consumed elsewise or fit in the dispenser.  Bleh, always something that has to be done sideways.

On to setting up breakfast, or getting things going in that direction.  Later.

Nearly bedtime.

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I couldn't do more.  I was done.  I will check the waterers, for the rabbits, and change litter for the cats.  Ugh.  I will have to push to do it.  So tired.  I have just been sitting here... sitting here.  Who knows what I have been doing.

I wanted to see if bp would be high without night meds, and it was, a bit.  So I took medication, and will check in an half hour.  It wasn't terribly bad, no worse than the worst this week, roughly.  Just bad enough I wanted to test after medication and some time.  Blood sugar, on the other hand, was surprisingly good.  At 126 non-fasting of course, I was quite happy.  Why the dive recently?  Why the spike?  I don't always understand.  

And, yes, I did end up using 12 cc's of fast acting insulin.  I do have to take slow acting stuff.  I do that regularly, and take 25 cc's, as per doctor agreement.  Fast acting depends on food, numbers after testing, and some other things.  This is the lowest dose I have taken in quite some time, but then I have been bringing it down from at least the 600s.  I think it took two big doses before it was to a readable number, on the glucometer.

Anyway.  I may see about laundry, while checking the waterers out there.  Then set up whatever waterers need it, for filling soon.  I may be able to simply thaw, and then return to service, fuller waterers... which would be quite a relief.  It's a lot of work to refill so frequently.  I'm doing my best for the hoppers.  I do like them.

Well, I'll just amend this when I get the after-medicine bp.  Just... tracking for my own purposes.  Later.  Though, really, good evening and goodnight.  God's speed, good sleep, and wonderful dreams... or at least the hope and a prayer for those things is offered.  Goodnight.

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Update:  BP: 124/93 pulse 81 ... a bit better.  Bleh.

Stats update.

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I kept stalling taking stats, not sure why.  I set an alarm, but it must have been later, between earlier tasks?  Still, all good, finally got to it here at 15:26.  BP is 118/85 with a pule of 85.  Diastolic and pulse are a bit high, but not... when either can easily hit 140, and one can go forty higher, I... suppose that isn't bad.  Still, compared to lately...  I am not sure why the variance.  Perhaps my body is just sorting it all out still?  Then again, I am tired, from a lot of work (relative).  Maybe that does take a toll?

As for blood sugar?  I am amazed.  Especially after food last night.  Bad, bad, food, for keto purposes, and lots of it.  Not one meal, but another.  I went out and got more, had to, was starving.  The first meal gave me the energy necessary to go out for a second meal.  HUNGRY!  But I couldn't cook, even after the first meal.  HUNGRY!!!  Oh, right, it is 112 non-fasting!  And the weekly average has come down from 225 or so, to 194 today.  Not... perfect, but not bad.  Especially, as mentioned, after pissing all over a keto/diabetic diet last night.  HUNGRY, if I hadn't mentioned.  Still a bit hungry, but... I'll make do with what I have here at home.

Actually, more to eat, now.  Just cheese sandwiches, pork rinds, and a few smaller bowls of fruit.  Those, as much as possible, are keto.  Anything processed is questionable.  But the fruit, other than it's natural fructose, only has monkfruit and/or stevia as a sweetener.  The rest is carb-free, technically (?) or literally.  If you can believe... or as far as you can believe... labels.  When your government is trying to require lethal medication, everything is dubious.  Still, it's what I have, for now.

I am afraid to dose.  But I am afraid not to dose.  Yesterday, the day before... recently, after a similar meal, blood sugar spiked over 150.  There was nothing in there that should have spiked anything.  It's just that, when I am eating too little, for too long, something... quirky happens.  Still, I have to be careful, because it can then dive.  I had that happen recently too, even without dosing.  Ugh.  As it gets close to normal, insulin becomes... tricky.  I'm think, perhaps, 8 to 12 cc's of fast acting.  Hmm... I'll go with 12.  That is still pretty light.  Later.

More.

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Exhausted me, but not in the immediate, wrong, way.  I am getting tired because I am doing things, not because of cellular or biochemical failures.  My cells receive blood and energy, I use the muscles and else to lift, move, bend, and else, and then I get tired.  My body isn't used to working, so it doesn't take as much as I would like to wear out.  But it isn't a nearly instant exhaustion caused simply by standing, or taking a few steps.

The rabbits were fed and watered.  I will check there water again tonight.  I will only check their waterers at night, food and water in the morning.  It was all frozen, save for one rabbit who seems to remember that drinking keeps it flowing.  The others will, eventually remember, or solve that... at least to a point.  But two water checks a day should see them able to keep it flowing much of the time.

The girls have been fed.  The waterers have been brought in.  Some to just be thawed, others have been reset so as to be refilled.  Plus a pail of water, to refill those with.  And, whatever is left, will be added to the girls' water.  Or simply completely to refresh the sum, depending on how much remains.  While I refreshed it this morning, it was with water which has been in the house a few days.  This would be not only fresh, but cooler.

I have litter to manage, a shower to take, laundry to probably put on a final drying spin, and a few bills to pay by phone.  Ugh.  Almost... just about... nearly... getting to a point where I can say I am beginning at the beginning.  If possible, boxes and dishes started today.  Maybe some clearing and cleaning in the kitchen.  Nothing fancy, at all.  An half an hour, here and there, or there, whatever.

My mother called.  Asked if I had tried to call her.  I told her I don't try to call her anymore.  Her phone is almost always off.  She is doing it.  It isn't the staff, or other patients.  I know... it sucks to have poor memory, and to try to be nice to those around you, AND to get what you want from others outside.  But... that just isn't how it works.  I am just now crawling out of a grave, I can't manage other excesses or debts beyond my limits.

Still, we had a good talk.  I think I upset the poor dear.  That really isn't my intent.  I just speak, and say, because I have almost no ability to... add flourish, dance for my dinner, or bark a polite tongue.  I say, as I do, for life is too sparse for me to do politics, or diplomacy.  Rude?  If you say so.  I am just telling you how things are, as I see them, to the best of my ability, as honestly, and concisely as possible.  If you can't handle it, don't talk to me.

Yea, especially as I begin working.  It really does take it out of me.  Still, I... am getting things done, feeling better, if tired, about it.  Hoping to catch up as possible.  Impressive, really.  If, most likely, in a day or two, or tomorrow, or... now... I will fail, for a while.  Going back into fog, for exhaustion... if at least earned this time.  Until I lose it, I'll hang on and keep going.  Good afternoon, day, and maybe night.

It seems slow, but really it isn't as it seems.

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It is 10:36.  What, three hours up?  A late wake, but a late down.  In part because of work, yesterday... as little as that really was.  Still, it was a first real start in a very long time.  Several projects were started, some to completion.  I was tired, but a bit off as bedtime approached.  I even remembered medicines.

I usually don't get started on things until several, two often, hours after waking.  And that when I am doing better.  This morning, I got started right away.  Laundry set to a final run in the dryer, and a load put in the wash.  Perhaps a few other things?  Cats fed.

No, I have put the washing load into the dryer, and have that going.  Added a new load to the wash.  Refilled all the waterers I had available.  Refreshed the cats' water.  Made tea, and breakfast... breakfast is brewing, tea is going down with this.  Had medicine, save insulin... that goes with breakfast anyway.  A few other things?  Oh, turned the furnace up, both to warm the place a bit for a shower, but to warm the waterers as well.

It is 32 out there.  But it feels colder, and probably was.  I'd bet the waterers out there are frozen.  So I'll need to pull those, put fresh, thaw, and refill even those.  I will check later.  Hoping to water the rabbits twice a day.  If their waterers freeze, there is a limit to how much I can do.  But, fresh water, twice a day, will definitely keep them alive.  Especially since they learn that, as long as they keep the water moving, it stays open longer.  And, yes, they... do sort that out.  Did last year, anyway.

Vitamins and minerals, but I haven't had electrolytes yet.  They really are helping.  With all, as is, one water pill seems to be enough.  If health improves, I may... see about that.  Depends on the doctor, but with one pill keeping me on the verge of dehydration, perhaps half the dose, or a milder medication?  Just, as things improve, if I can maintain them... medications, some of them, might be adjusted.  I'd like to not pee at night, again.  While I have minimized the affect of that, it is still an annoyance.

Perhaps I can find a more sedate, peaceful, less painful, more awake, slide to my end.  I have ripped and torn the world and myself to get to this point.  I will do so as required, until it is no longer required.  But I wouldn't mind some peace, rest, civility, gentility... just even a few months, or years.  Either way, so be it.  Or, amen as you might know it.  Yes, amen.

A few more tricks.

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As things are smoothing, unfolding, moving forward, I am regaining balance.  I am not 'there' yet.  But I see a time where I may be.  When blood pressure, blood medicine, medicine, insulin, and food, are as optimal as they can be... and while and when I can keep them steading, my life may return to a very small part of what age has left of it to be.

Life, function, has some potential.  It won't be fancy.  I may still never retrieve a regular schedule.  Function will probably always be limited.  The damage to heart and organs, the thirty some years that have passed, the limits to improving fitness for any and all reasons...  But, I may, slowly, begin moving closer to such.  Heck, if I can get fit enough to find a place to socialize a few times a week, regularly, I might even find a woman friend, or several.  No more than that, but that would be enough at this point, for me.  Who really knows.

Anyway, I have... after accidentally sorting my pillows, further sorted my sleeping arrangements.  First, I really have to reset blankets pretty much every night.  I am a bull in blankets, and when I roll, the whole bedding system and it's parts go up in the air.  When I kick, things move.  I can sleep one, maybe two, days warm.  Then there are too many holes and draft openings and bare areas.  So, to that end, even if I can't make it in the morning, I can at least tear it down.  Pull all the blankets apart, set them into little piles, so that the only way to sleep warmly is to relayer them.  If it's a decent morning, and they are still together and such, I will just pull them back over.

More, just a bit of layering.  First, two pair of underwear.  Why that works I have no idea.  But I love being a bit warm.  That does it.  Not a tighty whitey briefs, not a standard boxer, a mix... boxer briefs.  A bit longer.  And I keep two sizes, because of occasional water retention bloat.  Perfect.  Or a few other options.  As well, a night shirt of some sort.  Usually not pajama pants, those are house wear, like slacks or jeans, but just for home... usually.  Then, a long pair of my wool socks.  Oh, as well?  Putting my hair up, then into a winter cap, and life is perfect.  It is more a matter of keeping up on the stuff.  Though going without one aspect, or another, for a night or two, is doable.  Especially if I keep my sleeping system in order.  Last night was the first time I incorporated the whole system, save the cap.  But it has been in the works for a while.  A year?  Seems strange, but, yes, sort of.  Started with a dream, but I didn't remember all of it.

Down very late, 01:34, give or take up to twenty minutes.  Up at about 07:30, give or take twenty minutes.  The dryer was reset.  And I guess I hadn't set up a second load, but that has been done and let go.  Plus another load has been arranged.  Perhaps one load after that.  At some point, a shower.  And, then, hopefully, finally, back to dishes.  I have a good lot of them done, but I got stopped about half way through.

Chores, sometime, early.  Though I think I need to refresh waterers.  I didn't get to that last night.  Litter too, has to be gotten.  And, later, I am hoping, finally to boxes.  I am slowly breaking through, getting to things, in some sort of priority that both makes sense, and sometimes doesn't.  A chaotic start back to trying to get things done.

Medicines taken this morning.  Now I need to hit breakfast and insulin.  Tea?  Maybe.  The green tea is okay.  A bit flat?  Mild?  Something.  So I may have the darker tea in the morning, and the green tea more as an afternoon thing, when I have either.  Nothing great, or terrible, just... adjusting things to where I think they work best.

Life is... if not resuming, preparing to resume.  Prayers, and hope, in faith, with love.  It.. may seem excessive.  But when the grave is pressing you one way, pain the other, it's... what is available.  Little more, and any less is worse than fatal.  You probably know that as is.  You just hide from it while you continue in sin?  Most do, until they don't or can't.  There by the grace of God, in any case, go I.  Amen.

Not one more thing.

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I best get medicine in, perhaps feed the girls one last... something... probably just a few treats as they have eaten enough today.  I have done my best for them.  Oh, but I did start laundry, since I realized no shower would go forward.  I will put that load in the dryer, and maybe put another load in... won't start that until the morning.  I just don't really prefer loads to run while I am asleep.  It's probably safe, probably.  I just don't trust appliances.  A bit... old fashioned.  Ancient fashioned?  If so, more every day.

I have been pushing, in my mind, to do more.  There just wasn't a way.  I am tired, and have a small headache, a new one as the one from the blood sugar crash subsided, for my efforts.  Still, I don't mind the pain of effort, even if the fruit is naught.  It means... there really was effort made, visible or not.

Well, I did get one of the pee jugs capped, and back upstairs... while seeking something or other.  Dirty laundry?  Maybe.  Anyway... on to medicines and bed.  Oh, best remember insulin.  Goodnight, God's blessing as I am able to send it, and a good sleep as you may.

Slowly, bits, nearing bedtime.

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Chores.  I was really hoping for those.  And water in to redo waterers.  Laundry was set up, but I still haven't gotten into the shower.  Ugh.  Cats have  been fed, but their litter really needs work.  I did get the jugs emptied and set to dry.  And I had a meal, delivered by a friend.

Little bits and pieces.

Now?  I don't know.  Time is flying by.  Still, I would like to get the girls' litter managed, get a shower, and... probably waterers.  And, then, maybe, if I think I'll be awake long enough to put laundry into the dryer, maybe set a load to wash.  That won't be a lot, but it will be something.  Even if I can't get laundry going, if I can get those other things going, that will be good, with the rest of the day.  Especially after the blood sugar crash, or near crash.

I'm... trying to keep up, but I'm not.  At all.  Still, doing some things today means getting to new and more things tomorrow, or next time I can work.  I haven't been crashing, quickly or harshly, while working.  But I am a bit out of shape so work is more difficult.  I can stand, and walk around, for about an half hour at a time.  Not bad, considering a few days ago, sitting was about what I could manage, or five minutes on my feet.

I'll keep at it, as I am able.  Christmas lights, this year.  The trick for metal roofs, without screws or else in metal or wood?  Glue gun.  Which... I happen to have.  Wasn't sure, it is old.  The gun should be fine, wasn't sure about the glue sticks.  Looked it all over, it all looks good.  Having it done.  I'm... a bit past doing it myself.  Though, perhaps, if the system is down, maybe next year.  I'm just in bad shape.  Then again, honestly, I'm usually in bad shape.  I keep thinking I am getting better, then either health fails, I fall off... then restart medicine, or all.  Bleh.  But this round... could be right.  My numbers are actually within the "good" circle.  Not sure that will help, I've not been here, on medicines I could handle this well anyway, to this point.  Maybe.  But... what health hasn't eroded, age may well have.  Still, there is hope.

Hmm?  Eyes are getting slightly better still.  I think another shower might help.  Eyes really are a bit... dusty.  If that probably isn't all.  Ugh.  Well... on to a litter, then a shower?  Yes.  Later.  Or goodnight, in case I don't get back. 

Couldn't sleep.

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Fine.  Doing... better.  The crash seems to have smoothed out.  Crazy, I was going down so fast I really wondered if I would be able to just sit.  Headache, for my failure... but a relatively mild one.  Or, just a normal strong headache, not a migraine.  A bit of light sensitivity, and sound sensitivity, but only on the... left side of my head.  Odd but true.  Now worries, I've had this before.  Sometimes my left and right side seem more connected, sometimes they seem completely separate.  This time they are separated.

Since I am awake, I am trying to sort through things.  Chores, shortly.  Right after this.  If I can, after that, I will drain the bleach water from the pee jugs and set them to drain into the tub until dry.  Though I want a shower, so may need to move them before long.  Just resetting them after.  If they don't dry fast enough, will have to take one up as is.  But will last for days, so the others will get to dry out.

Ugh... that glucose drop really hurt.  But I think I can get a few things going.  Hmm... may get a load of laundry set up.  Not sure I will start it, but could get it loaded.  And, maybe, set up a second load for when that finishes.  Just... a preset, so if I can, I will, after the shower.  There is plenty of hot water, it's more the runtime of the low-water use washer... it might interfere with taking a shower at any given time.  Tricks and understandings of the mechanical and other limitations of homeowning.  Lots of tricks and limitations and truths which people just don't know... until they know.  Especially if they have lived as bachelors, and renters, for much of their lives.  A whole different ball of wax that even ten years of homeownership hasn't completely cleared.

Intention versus reality.

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As the morning moved into the afternoon, my mind kept focusing on tasks.  I was sure I would be getting to some of it.  I still think I will.  Just not as quickly as anticipated.  I was just at noon, and about to begin, when things started falling apart.  I have to guess it was blood sugar, dropping... spiking more like... in the negative.

Not sure I got it, but have tried.  A meal, the one roughly planned save no tea.  Couldn't stand well.  Milk instead.  Trying to stay away from milk, raw... need to get kefir going, really need to.  Still, for now, it is what I had.  And I had to eat and drink something.

Giving it some time.  Feeling a bit better.  Nauseas, sleepy perhaps beyond stopping a nap, just a bit green about the gills...  So a nap may be in the immediate offing, so I don't fall.  I just want to stay awake a slight bit longer to make sure I have managed the blood sugar thing.  If so, super.  Though I may take a hard candy when I get upstairs.  Just one, five grams of carbs... or four.  And, there are more up there, in case I fail further.

Wow, that was rough.  I hate that.  Doing my best, trying my best, but the game can just be too fast, hard, quick, and off for me to get just right.  And a wipeout can be devastating.  This was a close call, if my attempts to manage it work.  Still, it leaves me sidelined for a bit.  All good, I hope.  Wow, those close shaves are powerful.

Later.

A quick update.

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Vision is clearing a bit more.  Still fairly bleary, mostly.  From time to time it clears.  And, once in a great while, I see with immaculate clarity... refining what is presented, even  in high definition, on to... something... unique.  I used to see that way most of the time.  These days it is an occasional treat.

As to the number though?  BP is 106/78 with a pulse of 78.  I am surprised I don't feel a bit off.  Further, not sure why bp is better this morning?  Then again, the last two nights, I think, I have remembered bp meds.  So, yes, maybe medicine is okay, if I remember to take it.  Gah!  As to blood sugar, that is 116 non-fasting.  Nice.  A good drop from 250 fasting first thing this morning.  Of course, now I have worry about eating.  Gotta eat.  But... what?

Oh, not right now.  Later.  The cheese and deli meat sandwiches were okay, yesterday.  Could do that again today.  Something hot to drink with it, though.  Green tea?  With cream though, this time?  Maybe.  Well, and pork rinds.  Yes, that might do well.  Dang but things have improved, at least number-wise.  Now if I could just turn that into function.  Amen.

Slower than hoped.

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A few smaller things done.  But it is taking heavy pushing to get to small bits.  Ugh.  Breakfast and insulin, vitamins and minerals, and electrolytes and some water.  Then I cleaned the pee jugs.  On the good side, it takes three to five days to fill one.  I have five.  I just... haven't been getting to things.  But, in the future, this should be a much easier task.

Why pee jugs?  Initially, because I was drinking a lot, and with the water (causes peeing, sometimes day and night), getting up to pee three to five, or more, times a night became a stretch.  So, I purchased jugs.  Initially one liter.  But... back then, I could fill that to overflowing with one pee.  So, two liter?  Right, but... that... wasn't much better.

In time, while I have some of the old ones around, somewhere, I obtained three liter jugs, five of them.  And, for most of the time I had them, I would fill at least one a night, often two.  Couldn't find larger pee jugs, or jugs I would trust to pee in.  It had to be at least three liters, pretty much leak proof, and still be light enough to carry reasonably, sometimes two to four at a time.  And with a reasonably secure lid.  Anyway...

As I said, I am down from filling one per night to filling one every three to even five days.  But I have just left, or am leaving? the death zone.  So I haven't been able to keep up.  Catching up on that today.  I rinse them two to three times, then do a bleach.  I used to only bleach every fourth or fifth time.  But now, with it sitting in there for a while, I bleach each or every other time.  They are all getting bleached, it has been a while.

I'll tell you, laugh if you will.  If you ever get near the end of your life, or near death, and you are alone... remember this.  It will... save you lots more trouble than you can probably deal with.  I may not be able to die with all my dignity.  But, on this... I... have spared some of it with simple pee jugs.  And, I don't just shiver, needing to pee, unable to get up, killing myself more painfully and harshly than I already was dying.  Laugh.  But remember pee jugs.

The timer, from breakfast, has about 0:37 of the 2:30 initially set.  Then I'll do stats.  I did a fasting blood sugar, which was high.  My two last suppers have been very high carb.  So be it.  Still, if you remember, when I restarted not too many days ago, my blood sugar was outside the range of my meter.  And, after intense insulin starts, the first readable number was 529.  I even had trouble getting down through to the high 300s, took days.  So 250 fasting might not be great, but it... is better.

I am pretty sure I can get to some of the other things.  While dealing with the jugs, I set up for a shower.  Soon, shortly.  Or... soon enough.  I was able to do the jugs without too much trouble.  Takes a lot of stooping, and is hard on the back, given weights, angles, and else.  Still, did well.  Just need a little break before getting a shower.  Then chores and waterers.  I should be able to catch up completely on waterers, as well, today.  I only have one group of waterers to go, so will have to do them all.  But I think I can.

A good night of sleep.

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Dreams, again.  Someone from Missouri, traveling to see the "stars" in Hollywood.  Not in these days, in the 50's or 60's.  As the dream ended, they were just stopping at a place to stay, in New Mexico.  A dusty place.  A bigger city, if it sure didn't look it.  Back when America thought well, or... at least didn't think of Hollywood as the enemy.

Oh, the pillow was ready.  Two clean, fresh, fluffed pillows.  What a wonderful night.  No aches, this morning.  I was warm most of the night.  The last few hours, though, I had kicked blankets off, and couldn't figure out how to get them arranged back perfectly.  So it was warm, but with cold spots.  Ugh.

I woke several times, while trying to wake up for the day.  I thought I had read, earlier, 05:55.  But... that must have been a cross-reference memory of yesterday, which is when I did wake yesterday.  For, when I finally woke and was getting out, I checked, and it was still just 05:48.  Funny how those things work.

Pill medicines have been taken.  Breakfast is brewing, or the water is heating for it anyway.  Could call that brewing, but I prefer to think of a brew as something with more than water.  At the least tea.  So, will stick with water warming, after consideration.  A shower, too, before long.  Oh.  I... really enjoy those.  

There have been times in my life where even showers weren't available.  If possible, sits type baths.  But even those weren't always possible.  Sometimes you just learned to stink, and deal with it.  Would at least try for the pits, all of them, cleaned with sand if nothing else.  I have gone long times without western conveniences.  Longer than I even now miss out.  But when I can, I do.  And I surely love showers.  Would love a bath from time to time, but those are too much fuss for me now?  Hmm... if I can get a bit more going, I may try to do a full bath a time or two a week.  Probably just a luxury.  But... I don't mind some luxury.

Wow.  No ache, no pain, warm, not hungry if I feel the actual need to eat.  Mostly awake, not more than a slight morning fog of mind.  Hmm.  Not sure I can do much yet.  The meds, or their effects, are still keeping me down.  But... I may begin crawling out of the grave I have been marinating in for a while.  Check.

Yea, breakfast, a bit of a break to let that digest.  A shower.  Resetting waterers.  Chores.  Litter and cat feeding.  Then... another break, or two in there.  Then to dishes, laundry, and some business?  Then boxes?  Getting close.  If I can get some of those done, I'll be closer to the others.  It'll be a bit of a hike, but I'll knock two or three things out, for sure.  Almost for sure.  Still learning to walk, if it least it doesn't hurt, burn, or go wonky from time to time.  Later.

Green tea.

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Finally, actual, without a doubt, green tea.  I brewed it shorter, for three minutes, and at 155 F.  Taste?  Well... there is something to it.  It will take time to catch it.  I wouldn't say floral, more of fruit.  But of the flavor that is with the carbonated water.  Just a waft of... something.  Time may clarify.

With sugar no longer being a part of my diet these flavors are usually attainable.  First, using the nose.  Then, perhaps, the tastebuds.  Currently, all I get is from the nose.  There is a sweet scent to it, but more like the flowers of fruits?  Or that idea.  I smell the fruit type scent, but as if diffused through flowers... it's blooms.  Assuming the blossoms carry the scent of the fruit vaguely?  Well, that's how I'm suggesting it.

I still want to get chores tonight.  Feeding the rabbits, getting them water.  Well, and maybe tending cat litter.  It's been an odd day.  Generally a good one.  Not much food in.  Doing my best.  A bit too much insulin.  Handled that as well as I could.  Night medicine down, save slow acting insulin.

No major pain, an easy shower, several things started and possibly ended if the pillow is done... which I think it will be.  A nap, right in there.  Really, as good of a day as I remember for further back than I can remember.  The shin sort of stings.  Beside taking a slice of skin off, it is bruised just a bit.  But patched and healing.  If I can shower again tomorrow, I will reset the bandage.

Even my dreams, if sometimes dark, have been about... healing the human condition.  Perhaps it is just my own condition, if... I don't think so.  Opportunities to choose better, reject harm, finding a way to a better life, for everybody, is being explored.  Thankfully, not only do I have no grudges, I have forgiven all who have harmed me, for my part.  And, I have sought resolution for my sins against others and God.  Now, I can't guarantee those will go through, even should I never sin again.  But I can pray, examine, and release those as I am possible.  But there are so many who really are holding on to what will kill them.  Odd that a sin against you can destroy you?

Well, it is about time to go on to bed.  I'll check the pillow.  I am almost certain it is ready.  Goodnight, evening, day... whatever is your time, or place in your schedule.

Splendid, people.

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A shower.  For the first time in months?  probably... I was able to take a shower without almost falling down, leaning on the walls, panting, and burning out.  A long shower, too.  My hair is clean, and sorted!  My skin is refreshed and clean.  When I get to clean, I clean to the bone, buttons and elbows and else.

I am cleaner than clean.  And I am still not exhausted.

Eyes are still a bit bleary.  I really think it is mostly, say, dust on them?  I don't blink a lot, I live in a semi-desert highland, I am running, often these days, a slight dip into dehydration... it just adds up.  With everything improving, I may speak with my doctor about this too.  If he will do something, cool.  If not, I won't bother with specialists.  They require in-office, which means mask, and haranguing about the non-vax.  No.  Still, worth a shot.  Even otc recommendations would be fine... what to look for, avoid.

I am absolutely amazed I was able to stand, well, strongly, the whole time.  Oh, well, I did a pirouette or three, which almost caused me to lose some balance.  But, even then, I was amazed.  I just... felt so alive, that spinning to get this, or that, done seemed a breeze, and mostly, usually, was.  Not true ones, but... rather amazing for a bear sized chap.  Excited, like a bird in a bird bath, I... simply was going with the flow.

I scraped a box earlier.  Had to patch it up.  I tried one of the patches recently obtained, for my medical kit.  That and a single portion pouch of triple anti-biotic cream.  Perfect.  Am glad to have those.  I was worried it would come off in the shower.  On, still, without any sign of failure!  Very nice.

I set the pillow to another go.  It might be done, or at least finished on the cycle.  If so, I'll check it.  If still moist in there, I may give it another shot.  I will turn the heat down, though.  Just so many cycles on... what is the setting? sanitize?  Something.  But it does well with the whites I use it with.  Still, down to medium, and one or two more runs should see the thing dry... maybe for tonight if I can keep up.

What a shower.  If I can do it again tomorrow, I will.  Absolutely delicious.  Even the dying like being clean.  I may live terribly, but it isn't by choice.  Wonderful.

A reasonable nap.

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At least for me.  Snap naps, rocket naps, power naps?  Keep them.  I'll take my one to three hour shutdowns.  This was right exactly in the middle, or almost.  It was a bit cooler than hoped, but not quite frigid.  And I was able to adjust things to gain enough warmth to be toasty, finally, and settle in.

I did wake, and have to eat some candies.  I had way overshot on insulin.  Don't know what I was thinking, but that was difficult.  I caught it just before it became a real problem.  Then, while waking, took a few more doses.  Even so, I am taking far less than I used to.  I consumed, all total, probably less than a roll of diabetic carb candies.  Well, and at about a fiftieth the cost.

Oh, I get why to make the expensive.  So as to not use them.  The problem is, if I make a mistake, or as I am just coming into diabetic control, things get really shaky.  There isn't a way to always bet right, dose perfectly, eat exactly just so.  The body has a way of it's own, and often I am just along for the ride... but with some ability to react to things it wouldn't, can't, won't, doesn't, see or understand.  That's as good as it gets, often.  I just can't afford the luxury of limitations, at times.  Perhaps one day.  And soon, if these things work out.

A bit achy, in the neck and shoulders.  Ah!  The other pillow is in the wash.  That will do it.  Not sure if I put that in the dryer, will go do that now, or check on it...  Nope, hadn't.  Set to go now.  Gosh, I hope I can get it dry by bedtime.  If not, tomorrow.  Suffering is no fun, but knowing it is limited helps.  I might have a small spare throw I could use as an auxiliary pillow if the drying takes too long.

Dreams, of people, places, and events...  I am never sure if they are me, were around me, or were of others.  Easy to judge.  And, sometimes, I do.  Even if I am the lead.  The things I see.  Victor, victim, perpetrator, sinner, saint... play all the parts.  Not necessarily right, good, correct, or evil... just... there it is.  Sometimes I wake, seeming to be talking about things as if I was various parties in the dream.  Accusations, questions, sometimes answers.  Sometimes no answers.  This last month, for certain, has been filled with that.  Every time I sleep, I think, mostly?  It seems so.

I had considered writing of them here.  But you are such fragile beings.  I thought about logging them offline.  But I don't want them to ever be found, read.  Not even that they are all that bad, all of them.  But more, I think they are personal, to somebody.  I... don't think it is me, mostly.  Imagine if I saw, lived, your dreams... where you were trying to resolve big or little issues from childhood to adulthood.  And then I just spilled them across this blog.

Sure, almost no one reads here.  But that... isn't the point.  Sometimes they see me, sometimes not.  Sometimes I have offered inputs, solutions or resolutions or even sympathy or empathy.  Not just for the aggrieved, but for the sinner too.  It's never too late, even if you still want the sin.  Let it go, ask for forgiveness, attempt to set your heart against that in the future.

The only thing I won't kill is hope, in my heart.  But that hope isn't, necessarily, for this world.  I only live here, for now, for a while.  This isn't my home.  I will try to leave it a bit better, but that, in the end, won't be possible.  That is, often, some mistaken attempt to hold onto this world.  My rotting corpse, itself, will undo anything else I might try to do as I die.  Even that will be a burden placed on someone else.  No, but I can let them know about hope, as I fade.  And the truth of life, here but more there.

Anyway...  Up and trying to sort back through things.  the rest helped, even if the kink in my neck and upwards took a step back.  I needed rest, the pain is a slight price comparatively.  Be well, all.  I do pray for you.  Especially those who suckle a hard heart.  I... know that.  I pray for us the more.  Amen.

A nap, I think.

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I did have a lunch, of sorts.  Cheese sandwiches and water.  Insulin was taken as well.  I kept hoping to get something going.  And I may, in time.  Just not yet.  So sleepy.  I thought it might be because it was cold, but that isn't it.  I am just wearing down.  Dreaming while awake even.  Awake?  Sitting in my chair, reading and searching data.

I will put the pillow in the dryer.  Then go on to see about a nap.  I'll set the alarm for... three or four hours, hoping to wake sooner.  And likely to wake sooner.  I just want something set to ring in case I don't wake up at a reasonable time.  It is a pleasant day, I just can't stay awake.

Good afternoon, and day.  Later.

The strangest sounds.

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Enough to, first, get my attention, then get me to do something.  Check.

Out front, at least.  Spooky.  In part because I didn't know what it was, but also... lots of... something... somethings?  So, to the door I went.  But, I had to get the thing unlocked and etc.  Finally, ready to open.  I thought, as is typical, to swing it wide and just... but... no.  I had no idea what was on the other side.

So I... slowed down.  I relaxed, listened, and considered.  Beyond slowing down, actually stopping my planned action, I also considered potential reactions.  And, actual initial actions.  Breaching the door, but slowly or quickly, partly or fully?  Very partly, but very quickly, it was decided.

The screen door was of some use, as a bit of a defense.  Something really was out there, lots of somethings.  And other things?  Really, I was in a bit of a fit.  I opened the door very quickly, sharply, instantly, to an eighth or tenth of the arc, then peeked out just at the cut of the door.  Many.

A herd of sheep, being guided by horsed people, dogs too I think.  Headed east.  I didn't wave or bother.  Glad to know.  Such a strange number of noises, I couldn't ignore.  Felt much better.  I prefer to live in such a neighborhood, if that is slowly being lost.  I am almost surprised those animals aren't just run over, these days, by traffic or truckers... not even bothering to stop, and if caught, just tell them to send a bill to... someone else... who may or may not pay it.  Still, for now, it is still happening.

Stats were taken.  BP is still a bit high, at 130/86 but pulse is good at 79.  Blood sugar, considering pasta last night, wasn't bad at 148 non-fasting... 216 average for the week.

I haven't filled any waterers yet.  But I did get a few ready, set them in the pale of fresh water, with lids off, down in, soaking.  Just the small ones.  I need another pale of water.  After having done stats, I will check on the pillow and else.  I would really like to get a shower going before long, then also some dishes soaking.

If I can get that far, I may take a short nap, with the hope of doing chores this evening, and breaking down boxes yet today.  Mostly just hopes, but little things going forward.  Tired, slightly achy, a bit sleepy, but... a few things going on.  And... a wonderful view from my porch.  I may not be good with animals, but I would have liked to have been a herdsman, at least for a while.  Something calming about the whole process... yes, even their ends.  There is a peace to seeing the beginning to end, and a productive life.

Later.

It takes some time.

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Still, starts have begun.  Breakfast is just finished.  Oh, yes, I am one of the slowest eaters you will meet.  If I have to, I can eat a bit faster.  And, sometimes, if a ribeye is cooked for me, I could eat that at a more than reasonable pace.  Still, it generally takes an half hour to hour for me to properly eat.

More water in.  Watermelon flavored water arrived yesterday.  It just has a hint, without sugar or any sweetener.  Just the echo of a shadow of the flavor.  If sugar is no longer part of your diet, you can taste it, get the hint.  Perhaps enjoy it.  I just like a little variety.

Medicine, including insulin, is in.  The timer is counting down for when I take readings.  I give food two hours and more to settle, and insulin to work.  Regular medicines, if just them, I give an half hour.  Still, when all bundled, and everything is to be tested, I give the greater amount.  Tick-tock, testing soon.

Oh, and I did get the pillow down and into the wash.  It should be ready to flip in about half an hour to hour.  It does take a very long time to dry the thing.  It might not be ready tonight.  Still, it is worth the effort and sacrifice of a night.  A few things going is... at least a start.  If it is all that gets done, so long as I keep up on the pillow, it is at least something.

I am hoping to refill the last of the waterers today, as well.  I have one set ready to go, tonight, regardless.  Daily chores, I have to do them daily.  And, if it begins to freeze, twice daily.  I'll do my best.

A bit tired, still.  Weary of flesh.  But it isn't as bad, at the moment, as hit can be, has been, probably will be.  A bit sleepy too, just not enough to actually go back to bed.  A nap later?  Maybe.  The pains from this morning, which were mild, have abated.  Fog of mind still persists, but lightly.  Doing much better, if still not in good enough shape to actually employ the better situation.  A piece at a time.

I'd like to game, but I don't think I have what it takes for that.  Still too foggy for that, tired, disinterested as well.  Hoping, when the alarm goes off, I can do a little more than just take stats... perhaps check on the pillow, maybe shower, who knows...  just... do something.  If I can, I'll set the alarm for a few more hours, then try to do something then.  If not, reset the alarm for after that.  Keep trying to get something done.  Later.

Awake and doing moderately well.

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All medicine was taken last night.  Including insulin.  I have already taken morning medicine.  Breakfast is 'brewing', I like giving the chia fifteen to twenty minutes to soften.  I am giving it fifteen minutes, then will stir, get a dose of insulin ready, give it five more minutes, that take insulin and food all at once.  Oh, but before all that, electrolytes and water.

I will continue with electrolytes, daily, to the end of the week.  Friday, Sunday... whatever I sense seems to be long enough.  After that, I will take it if feeling dry, or parched... of skin or tongue.  And, perhaps, every few days just in case.  It has helped.  I think it is helping reduce headaches, and severity.  Though that is probably a group of things helping, including lower bp, pulse, and blood sugar control.  Well, and two pillows.

I am going to try to remember to get the other pillow in and through today.  Clean pillows really are wonderful.  They suggest not to wash, but I think they just want you to buy new all the time.  I can't afford good new pillows yearly.  And probably wouldn't if I could, as I think that is a scam.

A warm, good, long sleep.  I am pretty sure I went to bed at about 20:00.  Oh, and I did get the waterers refilled, and chores done.  I did something else.  The only thing I couldn't finish was getting a shower.  Today, I hope.  Pray.  I love showers, when I can stand for them, or even lean against the wall.  Brutal when even taking a shower is a difficult task, and that in the better phase of a downside?  Right.  Brutal.  Still, it's what I have.  I'll... see to it.  Hopefully today.

I woke at 05:55.  I woke several times, earlier, through the night.  But knew not to try to fully wake or get out.  A good, warm, mostly, sleep.  My feet seem odd, a bit numb.  Can't always tell if they are cold or hot.  They are improving.  But getting used to not having so much mass, from excess water, will take a while.  The toenails are really improving though.  Between shedding fluid to having shoes that fit.  Life is much better... just a bit wonky until the new reality is more completely... understood?  Something.

Time to stir breakfast and set up insulin.  Then begin sorting out the day.  Good morning and day.

I... I can't.

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Falling, failing, dropping into sleep.  I will get medicine down, including slow acting insulin.  I don't hurt.  Actually, I can't feel anything.  Oh, a bit of nausea.  The rest is numb.  I think I have had strong anesthesia before.  Where everything feels... puffy?  Yes.  And numb.  Like... a marshmallow suit of armor.

What is causing that is anybody's guess.  There must be something causing pain, and a reaction to it?  This is the type of pain relief I get when I had cracked ribs, or other similar.  Not sure why it triggered now.  Feels great, on the one hand.  But it's like having ones parachute deploy before jumping.  Pretty useless, I think?

Anyway.  That is that.  I am going to go on up to bed.  Yes, just downed pill medicine.  Will go get insulin.  Then on to bed.  What an... annoyance.  Goodnight.

Food.

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.

Not good food, but... food.  Pasta.  Angel hair pasta, with butter, salt, and else.  I looked at the carbs, then per serving thing so looked at how many servings per package.  That... wow.  I think a cup of sugar would have been a lot less?  Or similar?  Nasty.  Still, it was made, and I don't have anything else.

Trying to get going all day, to absolutely no good ends.  I wasn't hungry.  But I knew I needed food.  I turned the heat up, but that wasn't doing a thing.  I want a shower, and to reset waterers.  So troubled.  Pushing, but it's like in those dreams, where you are running from or to something, but your legs aren't doing the trick.  Only it is real waking life.

Will see if the food does any good, or if it was a total waste of blood sugar reset moments.  I took a large dose of insulin, but that only does just so much.  I really want a shower, but was almost falling down just making tea.  My body didn't have enough of whatever it burns to function.  It wasn't as bad as it has been, can be, but it was dragging me down fairly hard.  I had to have something, this was just what I had on hand that I could make.  Will see shortly.

The goal is to give it all about an hour, then get a shower, do waterers, and chores.  Then anything else possible.  Just doing those things is... pushing it.  But I do have some hope, since I was able to even get food prepped and eaten.  A bit nauseas, was that way before food, not getting worse, so... should be good.  Later.

Stats...

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BP is 131/90 with a pulse of 77.  The pulse is rather good, but the others are slipping.  I did miss medicine last night, but made it up by taking it immediately, then taking morning medicine four or five hours later.  So, slipping on schedule, frequently.  Only sometimes able to make it up.  It is having a negative affect, but... still... mostly... holding.  Ugh.  I really have to figure out how to keep schedules on this.  If... that has always been a struggle.

As written before, it definitely beats 150/110, and certainly 215/180 with a pulse of 140.  How did I even live through that for six months at a time, several times in a row?  Some critters just... don't die well?  That really should have killed me, or at the least given me a stroke or heart attack, especially having gone through extended periods of it, with high blood sugar, and over decades.  Take what you can get.

Blood sugar isn't perfect, at 127 non-fasting.  But I did remember slow acting insulin last night, and have been eating rather minimally.  As well, I have been dosing when I eat.  Should have tested this morning, if I suspect... from inputs and this, that it might have been high.  Higher to be sure.  Though, you can't ever quite be sure.

I am going to see about setting up waterers, again.  And getting something to eat.  I may need to eat in order to do anything.  I am just not sure I have anything readily available.  I may have pasta, or beans, somewhere.  Oh, and I have one more pack of frozen burritos.  Adding cheese to melt on top, and sour cream, changes the micro nutrient arrangement.  As would a handful of walnuts and a fatted tea.  Though, really, I need water.  Getting a bit parched.  Also considering eyedrops.  My vision has improved, if I can get past the dryness.

I'm not so sleepy as to want a nap.  But I have begun to exhaust very quickly... which is why I think I need food.  Always something, and yet I am able to try things.  I am able to think about what is wrong and what might correct the problem(s).  I may be mostly dead, but in a better form of it.

Good numbers.  I might be a bit under the weather, still, but... I... might find a way out from under this stormcloud.  At least I am not freezing, today anyway.  Later.

Not a bad start.

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Breakfast.  Nothing fancy, chia again.  Though I had a large plain tea with it.  I finally have tea brewing down.  Lower temps, longer brew, is preferred.  I purchased green tea, without doubts, and will be trying that soon.  Though, I suspect, with it, I will need to brew at lower temps for shorter times, more like, say, 155 F for three minutes.  I will have to test.  And, each tea will be a little different.  As will preferences.  Which may change over time as well.  Tastes mature, give room for them to do so, be ready for them to do so.  If maturity is different for different folk?

As well, I keep using an electrolyte powder.  Usually I mix it with my carbonated water.  Though, sometimes, I mix it with tea, as today.  I am slightly dehydrated.  I can't drink enough, it seems, lately.  I am not sure if carbonated water... if I am beginning to reject it.  Or maybe the meds are making drinking as difficult as eating.  There are other options.

I had tea, today, to mix it up a bit.  But tea is more difficult to drink than carbonated water, and coffee is way out.  I simply, for the last month, have been incapable of drinking coffee regularly.  I tried, for a while, as means of getting cream... thus fat... into my diet.  It became impossible.  I wondered if it was coffee or cream, but with chia breakfasts beginning, and using cream in that, cream is not the problem.

Oh, right, I do have chicken bone broth in the freezer.  A quart or two of that, heated and then with butter or cream added... per week?  Yes, a big cup, every other day?  Yes, that might work.  More as an "afternoon" (well after "breakfast"... first meal) thing.  And, probably, it could be sufficient to itself.  Not every day, but most days?  Something like that.

Can't be sure how much I actually ate, yesterday, but... it consisted of the three tablespoon chia breakfast and two burritos.  That was it, save for several bottles of water, electrolyte solution, plus vitamins and minerals.  And, actually, that is more than I have been eating lately.  I am hoping to have cheese and meat sandwiches later, one or two.  And, maybe, something else?  Sardines?  A can?  Maybe.

The other day I thought I'd eat two cans of sardines.  Nausea barely allows one.  While that is improving, it's... not fully corrected yet.  I won't push it.  But one can might do.  You'd think I'd lose weight.  But with activity almost completely curtailed, I don't think weight loss is possible.  Still... at least I shouldn't be gaining.  Especially with water problems being solved.  Ugh...

I'll keep at things.  But, for now, it's mostly little or nothing.  Just doing breakfast about sent me back to bed.  Wore me out.  I am still going to at least try to get to chores, and the final cat effort, clearing their litter.  Bleh.  Pushing to do such little things is such an affront.  I used to be truly potent, strong, able.  This sucks.  I'll keep trying.

I did call my mother.  And she answered.  She was getting fussy, about things.  But, then, I think, recently, remembered that she is nearing 80.  Yes, mother, that... does make a difference.  Not that she can quit, only... given the givens.  She sounded rather chipper.  It was a good talk.  No... real information to transfer.

It was good to hear that she got out.  Some good home cooking over the weekend.  And I could at least report slightly better doings here, with potential for more.  It is good to just hear her voice, and know she is well.  She is pushing things, but... that is how our family does.  I can't tell her not to do what I do myself?  I... will just keep her in my prayers.  We play and work as hard as we can, even if it kills us.  It's how we... do.  Still, a hardy lot, we don't die well, or even break easily.  How many times has she fallen?  How many times have I died?  Meh.  Later.

What a pleasant sleep.

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.

Too warm, often.  Made up for the frigid sleep, nap, whatever.  That was horrible.  The neck and shoulders are becoming relaxed and such, with the extra pillow.  Still, washing and drying the other one today would be a super treat.  If I can get to it, or anything else.

I am finally feeling better.  Lungs are sated, no tunnel vision for... a while, mostly.  That still comes and goes, if for just a pinch of time at a time.  Medicine seems to be working.  And I am able to take the medicine.  But that isn't enough.  If I can't begin cleaning and walking, cooking, sorting, and living, the medicine is of absolutely no use to me.

However.  Having walked the medicines to, basically, the goal line, and being mostly conscious and able to adjust things, perhaps something else can be added, or subtracted, adjusted, to allow some function.  I never gave up, before.  I merely got swept away.  Taking the medication made it so that I couldn't talk, or function, or adjust.  I have a phone appointment coming up.  Best check when that is... soon... tomorrow, this week, next?

Having made it this far, I am hoping my doctor will be able to get me back into the game, but with bp managed.  Then on to a bit more of life.  I'll never be able to go back to school, or even work.  With ssd gone, I could work without risking anything, at this point.  And, I tell you, if I could, I would.  I am, so far this week, doing good to be up, randomly in the day, perhaps six to twelve hours.  And I wouldn't be trainable.  So even a phone job, customer service, wouldn't work well.  Yea, I am thinking.  If I had a way out, I'd grab it.

Then again, even if I can't get employ, if I could just get back in shape and clean and sort the house... that would be good.  Currently, while feeling good, my only real two options, save very short spells on my feet, are sitting here or sleeping upstairs.  Well, I suppose I could sit in the living room and play console games.  Only... I can't focus quite that far.  Not quite yet.

A few adjustments, adds, minuses, whatever... and a few more weeks or months... and I really might finally be back to something.  Well, there is the hope.  On to breakfast, already had meds save insulin, and hydration... which is slightly lackluster...  Hopefully more, later.  Chores, the girls' needs, laundry, and just maybe some dishes.  Later.

Ah, right.

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Frustrations.  I get it.  So, I've tucked away my thoughts regarding some pops.  Give it a week or two.  It may be back.  I get it.  I'm not sure if it hits believers or disbelievers hardest?  I don't care.

A few frozen burritos.  Not tasty, not good for me, but mostly edible and warm.  Just two, if that is still a lot of carbs.  I didn't have another food option I was able to do much with.  Fresh eggs, but requires cooking, baking, time, and effort.  I can stand, now, without pain or exhaustion.  It's more, now, to concentration.  I can't.

Feeling a bit better, but still, it's time to go on to bed, again.  No shower, I just can't sort it out.  But, tomorrow, should be doable.  Love those things.  As well, perhaps, washing the other pillow.  The one I did washed fluffed so well, like new.  And it smells good.  I am truly enjoying it, can't wait to get the other sorted.

Minor aches, neck, shoulders, base of the skull.  Partly from sleeping with one lackluster pillow, partly from sitting here at the machine for most of my waking time.  I... want to do things, shower, laundry, dishes, but I just don't have it in me.  I'll keep trying, praying for it.  Worth the while.

Anyway...  Oh, I did go back to see what I had written or played.  Okay.  I was half out of it at the time, don't remember the whole of it, or the gist, can't read well currently, but, yeah, okay.  The dreams I have, even while awake at times, in the death zone... wait until you get there.  I am not sure everyone sees, or on this side.  If you do, you will... may... understand.  Or... not.  But, maybe.  Hold judgment, is all I suggest.

On to bed.  Oh... but meds and insulin first.  Goodnight.

I sometimes really don't get it.

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.

Then a few hints show up.

I forget how fragile some of you are.  Hungry too.  I have spent decades letting go of what... effected me.  And, while, I am still not dead, I don't have the same reaction to things that others do.  I forget, sometimes, that right after getting enough food, procreation is the next thing.  And, with food being pretty much automatic these days, that leaves most people thinking about the one thing I have stopped thinking about.

Oh, sure, it... creeps in, even here.  As memories, thoughts, dreams, often even as relish if for no other reason than that it seems to go along, or be part of, other aspects being discussed, examined, remembered.  Look, sex and sexy are... a massive part of who we are, lie about it as we might attempt.  Even a devoted celibate is not immune, fully.

Shivered the whole time.

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Didn't get down for a nap until a bit after 12:30... as few as a few minutes, as many as an hour later.  I just can't be sure.  I looked. Don't know.  Up around 16:30.  Shivering, miserable, well... all save the last half hour to hour.  Even then, mostly uncomfortable.

I wanted to wake up, get something to eat, do something.  Being in misery wasn't lost on me, consciously.  I simply could not wake to do so.  No, it wasn't that cold.  And I set blankets well.  I even had a small snack before bed.  It wasn't the chills, from illness, or such.  It was truly just a cold body which wouldn't warm.  Shivering often, eventually warms the body.  Not this time.

Now, waking, I am sore from having shivered.  I'll... see about a bit to eat, feeding and watering critters, perhaps getting trash out, then back to bed?  Or... soon... as I can.  Perhaps a shower, too.  Oh, and should take medicines, now that I am up.  Hungry, just not... interested.  Nausea has passed, so if I can sort out something to eat, I may be able to eat.

Even so, this is a better day.  The extra pillow helps.  Sleeping when I need to sleep, even if it is messing things up, helps.  A shower would be great, and is possible.  Most pains are small, aches too.  Not bad, just... not getting anything done, not able to get anything done.  Still, espying the list of things to do with some small hope that a few things may get checked off.  Amen.

Another nap, but earlier.

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Alright, well...  I missed medicine last night.  The nap ended being an all-night thing.  Sleep was good.  A little cold, but good.  I will reset the blankets when I go to take a nap shortly.  No sun today, or so it has seemed.  I think it was 44, outside, this morning... just as the sun was wrestling it's way clear, if clouds kept it somewhat blocked.  It doesn't seem to have improved.

I took meds while I was writing that last, or the first?  Whatever.  I will probably take medicine from last night as I go to nap.  BP is a little high, so, yeah.  Hopefully I will wake in time to take night medicine tonight.  Blood pressure is 128/87 with a pulse of 74.  While not... perfect, not terrible.  I would like to get medicine much better regulated, and see where bp will round out... then make some choices.  I won't choose until I know enough, know better.

Blood sugar was excellent.  Now, I also forgot last slow acting insulin last night... not, forgot, missed... through sleep.  I did get that this morning, along with a dose of fast acting with breakfast.  At 111 non-fasting, I won't mess with it much.  I am thinking about another can of sardines, but probably not.  What about nausea makes sardines seems right or wrong.  Ugh.  Yea, I am still suffering that occasionally.  Daily.  Usually.  I can, sometimes, eat past it.  Sometimes not.  Not... currently.  Certainly not with the options.

Oh, part of the problem had been sleeping with one pillow, or at least very recently.  My neck seems permanently out these days, so it wasn't the whole problem.  But, it added to the problems in that part of my anatomy.  I am having to readjust to having two pillows, but the readjustment is far better than being without.  Glad I bothered returning down the steps to retrieve it, in spite of really not wishing to do so last night.  What a wonderful gift to myself.

Well...  I would like to eat something.  Maybe  a cheese sandwich?  Or, well, probably not.  I just... I am hungry.  Nausea, however, has won out.  Later.

Awake.

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No sure idea when I went to bed.  Or when I woke.  Only, it is 06:05 now.  I used the restroom, fed the girls, heated water, ground some flax and stored it.  I did find the old jar I have been using, but suspected it would have freezer burn smell and taste, so got a new container.  Then set up a breakfast.

I took breaks between parts of those things.  So it might have been a couple hours, or more, since waking.  Hmm... actually, I am pretty sure it was 04:32 when I woke.  Well, and I have been watching videos.  Someone went looking through previous music posts, and I... wanted to see if there might be a point, theme, or such.  If so, nothing unfamiliar, or necessarily linking to anything recent?  Ties in well, if you... understand.  Or don't.  :p

Breakfast is just ready.  Adding a bit of flax, for the fiber, doesn't change the flavor since I have been adding turmeric all along.  Though, too, I have added a bit of ground black pepper in.  I can't remember if that is for the turmeric or the flax, but I do remember it opens the body to some of their nutrients.  And, while I can't taste the black pepper?  It causes saliva.  I always sort of knew that, but to experience in, from direct experimentation, and so plainly, is... sweet.  Something very interesting about it.  I could see adding a touch of black or white pepper to desserts, for the same effect, to be quite honest.  Salivation, directly from food, is... a little joy.

Dreams.  Such dreams.  This time I will not explore, explain, or remember them here.  The last time I did that, some people seem to have choked on their tongues.  I... thought I had gotten people past their baser natures.  But, no.  I... apologize.  These?  Not necessarily in that direction.  But, to, not a step further into going beyond what I think wise to share... five step further.  No... I won't share these.  Perhaps I shouldn't have shared the others.  Waking exuberance.

Breakfast is truly a pleasure.  Back to seeing what was all the rage last night.  For... whoever visited.  Good morning and day.  Oh, and get to church, you lout.  Say a prayer for me, as I lay dying.  Amen.