Late, I work when I can.

.

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Water jugs refilled.  Coffee set up for mom.  Kefir changed out, and kefir cottage cheese draining.  Having a late night coffee myself, as well as kefir and medicine.

Blood sugar was 136.  Not perfect, but for a guy whose numbers can reach 600-650, or higher?  Okay.  BP was 142/95.  It runs higher later in the chronological day, but that was before meds and isn't a number I would lightly reject.

Still woozie, a slightly upset stomach, over heated, tired, exhausted, getting sleepy, achy and just pinched all about.  Will finish some of my coffee, then shower.  Oh, I opened windows a bit.  Mom isn't keen on that, I think she is starting to realize that we do get visitors.  

They don't visit as often, but may take anything.  Even something seemingly useless as a used blood glucose monitor.  Or just move it to where you can't find it, wouldn't have cause to look.  I like the idea, of not opening the windows, and making sure all is locked.  But that isn't how they get in.  If I could figure that out, it would be golden.

Now, she... acknowledges, begrudgingly, quietly.  To me.  But she would deny it to otthers.  For one, never can be sure who the thieves are, or might be related to.  As well, admitting a weakness or flaw increases risks.  Plus, she simply doesn't like the realization.

So... I will crack the windows, for fresh cool air.  Knowing they B&E in the deep winter, with everything shut just as damn tight as possible.  I want that air, and what of the cool I can get.

A shower tonight, and in the morning.  Mother tried to tell me not to wash my hair twice in a row.  I made it clear, slightly gently, that I will do as I quite see fit.  Thank you for your concern, but we are beyond those types of instructions.   Besides, my hair is finally doing splendid.  I almost wonder if someone was poisoning my food or water.  May still be, just no where near as often.  And I have switched some things.  Possibly right in the medicine?  Dunno, doing vastly better, in many ways.  Sure, high summer stutters.  But that's... expected.  And not the worst I have known.

Urhm, YES!  A shower, then more sleep.  Good night.  Blessings.

Up, for a bit.

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A bit of conversation.  She had breakfast.  I'm sticking with coffee.  I sprayed the wasp nests, that I could find, last night.  She saw one first thing this morning.  So I checked.  The nests I hit, hit hard, twice each, are dead.  I'll keep looking.

We got her knee strap set up, in hopes she could use the riding mower today.  I was sure there was plenty of gas in the machine, as I filled it when I got it.  But, since she asked?  And I was sure it was full?  I checked.  It... needed gas?  See, that is how I do, these days.

This time I got it to fire immediately?  Okay.  I showed her some of the tricks, but not the safety overrides... not quite yet.  She had trouble starting it each  time.   I wasn't about to say a word... after my troubles.  Just glad I knew how to do it, and usually spotted her error, choke last time.

She got better, then started solving the problems without hints.  She wanted to mow the acreage.  But, too, I think she wanted to drive just a bit, in a safe place, with a safe vehicle.

I made sure all doors are unlocked, so she won't get locked out.  And if she needs in, it is convenient, for any cause.  I think she is enjoying greatly.  It is far too hot out there for me, for any length of time.  Already got nauseeous from the heat, just tthat bit, even this early.  And feel strained, a little crushed.  Bad.

But I was able to get her set up and going.  

Meds down.  Blood sugar was a bit high.  Overdid the sweetener in the chia cereal, if I had to guess.  BP is excellent, though, at 132/82, with an 89 pulse... before meds!  Very nice.

Anyway.  Looks like I need, gladly, to be up for a bit longer.  Will... rest, sleep,cwhen I can.  Later.

Up again.

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Mom called, while I was finishing the last post.  Trouble with the water?  In the shower?

Not happy.  Had hoped to go back to sleep.  Still, I finished, cutting it much shorter than intended.

Well?  I checked outdoors, and the valves involved.  No.  It was the faucet for the overhead shower head.  It was just turned off.  It would be easy to be short with her.  Especially when pulled from needed sleep for such a simple user error.  Easy, but I won't go there.

She works very hard.  She plugs away on this and that.  Even if she gets things wrong, needs help on little and big things, and asks... questions from exhaustion?  I am okay with these things.  I really don't have to try all that hard, at being kind.

I am just glad I was able to help.  So she was able to get a shower.  I checked her tea, and since she was low, filled her night tumbler.  I stayed to talk.  I know she is a bit lonely, her and Sassy.  At least they have each other.  ;p  Have to see about getting her in, to the senior center, when we get things more arranged here in the house.  I try to visit, especially on days I can't work.

So, yes.  I make solid efforts at helping.  And not being angry even, especially, when that could be considered reasonable.  As I may have suggested, from the thoughts of a favored saint nun, God has asked for something from my poverty.  In this case, humility.  The virtue I believe I was left here to... pursue.  Still poor in it, but working on it.  At least I recognize opportunities.

Plus, she can be so pitiable.  Not for age, or health, but because she tries so hard and gets so tired.  Giving her the blessings of a saint isn't always too difficult.  She has swum so far out from shore, given everything she has, to the point she can barely talk or stand.  I know she feels bad.  I try to help her know she should be proud of the gifts she offers.

Can't be angry.

I went down for a bit.  But woke up after a short run.  Ice needed filled, water needed filtered, two jugs were set up for tea tomorrow.  Her coffee needed set up, except water?  I nearly overfilled, not realizing she or I had already partly filled that reservoir.  

I also sprayed what ended up being two very full wasp nests, while it was dark, so they didn't attack.  Must have been twenty to thirty, most in the higher nest.  Ugh.

I also made chia seed 'cereal', with cream.  It was okay.  A reasonable bit of food.  And took night meds.  All good.

Good night.

Quite the dream.

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Before I start, I should... explain?  Add a prelude?  While it was quite the dream, it wasn't as it might seem.  It was... biomechanical, rather than erotic.  Not that I am immune to the senses, merely that this time, that wasn't what the dream was about, for me.

While I was with a woman.  And we were engaged in sex.  It was more as if tracking the various senations.  More of an engineering or acual detached scientific exploration.  Feeling her hair in my hands, her hip, or thigh, or of course sex itself. 

I could only sense just so much.  So while holding a butt cheek, I might not simultaneously feel her breast on my chest, or her lips kissing mine.  Sensory limits.

While exploring tthe various sensations, I was changing size.  From the size I was my first time, at four and a half years old, until the last time I was with a woman.  Checking variations of input allowances and sensitivity capacities, at my various sizes.

Then, I was able to sense the female sides of the equations.

In time, I completely biologically mapped out the two bodies, variations, limits to sensitivities and number of inputs at once.  Not... erotic.  But not inhuman, either.  Beautiful.  Like painting roses.  Or painted roses.  No texture, or scent, but the essence.

Imagine mapping sex, fully, for yourself and a right lover.  It will exist at least as long as I live.  One of my finest dreams, certainly of this sort.  The biological components of erotic, and relationship right love, painted into my mind and on my body?  Or... something wonderful like that.

Had it last night.  Just finally... decided to share it.

Women!

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She doesn't realize the questions she asks.  No, not all... bad.  However, when she gets a bit heated, tired, she can really go sideways.  "What is this?".  What?  "This!", while looking straight at me, while in the kitchen, but asking about something unseen, out in the back yard, or driveway.  I just... grumble and move along.  I may or may not answer, after sorting the nature of the question for five minutes (or not), especially when she gets into continuous ask and guesss mode.

I try not to get too short.  I can tell she is just exhausted, but trying to make sense of a fading world.  I go through it myself.  I just, usually, don't involve others.  I simply spin down as I try to regain or maintain a grip... until I realize nothing will make sense until after I cool, and more than likely sleep, too.  My brain can't function.  She... can't see it.  But for 82, she really does pretty well most of the time.

She asked if I have gotten to my room.  Cleaned and sorted.  I told her absolutely not.  What she has been having me do has been all I could do.  Then what, she asked, have I been doing up here for eight hour stretches?  Sleeping!  I told her.  Sometimes just resting, but mostly sleeping.  No choice.

She keeps not understanding and I keep telling her there isn't a choice.  Fact is, I'll be taking this and, most likely, next week off.  From her, and most of my plans.  I can do very small things.  But in this heat, at my health, on these meds, not much.  No choice.

I've rested a bit.  A package is in, so I may get that, and more water or tea.  It is overcast, so slightly cooler, or I couldn't.  But... that'll be that.  Maybe a body shower, then back to bed.

She is working herself too much as well.  I can't make her back off.  But I can and do advise it.  I definitely try to make sure she knows I appreciate her work.  But that... she needs to take care of herself too.

The place, inside and out, definitely looks better.  I am hoping, in a week or two, to pitch in more.  If it begins cooling.  I can't do much, inside or out, when it's in the 90s out there (mid 70s inside).  I can live, but more rest, sleep, until it cools.

On to the post.  Then back to resting or sleeping... maybe a shower.  Later or good night.

Down the stairs.

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It took longer than anticipated.  Did I fall back to sleep for a bit?  I gave Sassy attention.  Did I just get lost in annointing her with affection?  It is amazing how much time I can find myself gifting her.  I don't mind at all, if I have it to offer.  Same with mom, if, when, possible.  Spend life kindly, or waste it?

Coffee, a few boiled eggs, and the last bratwurst.  After checking blood sugar and bp.  Blood sugar was moderately okay, at 131 fasting.  Not great, but... okay.  BP was... a mixed weird bag, at 171/80, with a pulse of 78?  Very odd.  The high is lower than recent highs, by ten points, but forty points higher than recent lows.  The low is right at recent lows, as is the pulse.  I must have forgotten meds?  Was going to take it, must not have?  Took it after checking.

Making more water.  Or filtering it, really.  When it is done, I'll fill the reservoir.  There are two and a half, half gallon jugs, of tea in the fridge.  And ice containers are mostly full.  So not much else to do.  After coffee, I will get a vinegar, electrolyte, carbonated water going.  Oh, and see if coffee is set up for mom, to just start in the morning.

Feeling so weak.  Standing, walking, even just sitting, is a strain.  Stupid, I hate that.  Mom talked me into more painpills.  Wouldn't have gotten out without them.  So there was that.  But, as I told her, I can't (usually) take them more than once every four or five days.  With kidneys and liver functions in the mid to low teens, I have too be very judicious in applications.  I just have to suffer.  It's down to suffering or dying.  She doesn't understand, until it horrifies her.  Then she "forgets", changes the subject, reverts to safer topics.  I'm used to traveling right beside the abyss.  I am as much a part of it as it is a part of me, now.  Most... try not to see death, the abyss, eternity.  I'm used to it.

While I see it, know it, understand, what I don't like is feeling it.  That... exhaustion, fever, chills in spite of the fever, falling down inside sensation, and other... death effects?  I really don't like that.  It's like strong, severe even, shock.  If you have ever sensed it.  It's what is plaguing me lately.  Nausea, those other things, and other symptoms beyond, at times.

Still, I'll struggle on, or die.  No worries.  When you have come this far, life and death are both kind gifts... and old, worn, friends.  Later, or good night, again, really.

Slept well.

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Not sure when I went to bed.  20:00?  21:00?  Iced tea, a shower, then down.  The only thing I did before sleeping was opening the windows.  We had a storm, said to be dry, moving in.  A fire warning for tomorrow from it, being dry and electrical.

Still, it was helping cool our town, so opening up early seemed good.  I was in such bad shape though, that I couldn't do more.  Still a bit rough.  Waking at two, a bit before.  I'll get a water, red wine vinegar, and electrolyte hydration mix going.  Maybe extra water, possibly tea, going in as well.

Still feeling slightly fevered, but not as bad as before.  Still feeling a bit ill in the stomach.  Dehydration?  A summer bug?  Heat stress?  Or the effects of medication as it begins to work.  A good thing, just with up front costs?

BP is exceptional, or was.  I don't mind paying a bit of a price.  Especially knowing it will most likely improve.  Pretty soon... weeks to months if that is the problem.  It or the heat, both have a week or four before clearing, even if a combination.  Probably.  Well, and it is high summer, and I have pushed.  Even if it may not seem as if I am doing much?  For high summer season, I have done what would have killed me another year.

Still having problems with amazon.  They are saying I have a large excess on balance, while saying I have zero credit, as they refuse to accept payments from an account which definitely has a positive balance.  On top of a bunch of returns, and added cash inflows as my mother pays for what she bought, by checks.  Not getting refusals, so...  Very strange.

Ugh.  Later.  Or good night again.

Going down.

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Can barely walk.  Mom wants me to walk, only on water.  I could barely keep my eyes open, or stand in the shower.  I did get the shower taken.  But just.  I all but crawled up the stairs.  I had an iced tea, in an attempt to cool before that.  It helped me make it to the shower.

Washed the body, and hair.  Cooled off.  That was it.  Dreaming already.  Two dreams, no idea what the were about.  If I think one of them was about vampires?

Good night.  So absolutely crushingly weak and tired.

Brutal.

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To town.  Returns to amazon.  A visit to sort mom's medical.  Then letting her shop.  I am failing, quickly.  I think she hoped to go to the grocery store, but no.  I think I am done.

No work when we get home, for me.  I am weak, ill  failing.  I took a shower before heading out.  I may shower when I get home, more to cool off.  I am absolutely baking.  Feeling ill, slightly nauseous, even before I started over heating.  Medicine, iced water, a shower, and sleep.

I have the vehicle going, with ac running.  It's as good as I can do.  Just hanging on.  Wanted to tke her through the car wash, just won't have it in me.  Later, or good night, again.

Annoyingly annoyed?

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I am having trouble sleeping tonight.  A few hours here, then there.  Waking feeling tired, weary, even sleepy.  Just not enough of any of those to get back to sleep.  I am sore, my heart is, from needing sleep, wanting it, and pushing and pulling so hard and long.

When I wake, I... try to find... peace of mind, calm, attempt to create a restful state of being.  My eyes tear up from want of rest.  Not pain, more an ache for sleep, even for rest.  Oh well.

As well, dreaming.  Stupid girl dreams.  I suposse what teen women dream of, well... barring that.  Everything but that.  Shopping, conversations, learning to understand the parts of life which are usually left to them... or were when the world knew and accepted the differences.  Things, quite frankly, I have little interest in.  Domestic details, social norms, expectations, social climbing, and such.  As if in a young lady's boarding and etiquette school.

Three, four, and that after the blanket party one.  Which, too, was for training, and pecking order lessons, among other things.  I had never really considered that side of things.  Would rather not now.  No choicee, dreams are what they are.  We are sometimes simply subject to them.  Though... it... is interesting, to some degree.  Like being a fly on the wall, only with actual inputs, in circles I could never have been.  And, honestly, seems legit, not male centric.  Bleh...  Or, bleh, sometimes.  Very strange.

Something about an upcoming sweet sixteen, a few years off?  Do they still do those, or more only debutantes?  I almost wonder if I was receiving, as a psychic might.  But why would they pick on me?  *chuckles*

Anyway.  I'll try to get back to sleep.  Not much I can do about dreams.  Good night, again.

Thud?

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Not the sound of someone falling.  No, a door shutting?  It was two, two thirty.  Woke me.  So, after a bit of thought, I deecided to go see.  Perhaps my mom was getting a bite?  She has her own bathroom, so wouldn't leave for that.  Though she might have closed her bedroom door, or the en suite door.

I also worried that it was an unwelcome visitor.

By the time  I got down there, notthing was stirring.  Doors, I think, were all shut and locked (outside doors).  Her door was still ajar, but I didn't check in her room.  Could have been a door, somewhere, closing witth breeze our are dfferential pressure.

I was down fairly quickly.  Didn't sense... danger, sneaky sounds or sensations, or else.  But one can never be certain.  On back to bed.  I do like that I wake to sounds.  Annoying, but... I want to know, hear.

Good night again.  God speed, pleasant dreams, and fine sleep, work, play, love, or whatnot in it's right time and place.  Amen.

How very odd.

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I could have sworn it would be much later.  Reading this post, looking over that blog, checking on this or that item ordered or in the queue.  Listening to a group of  songs.  On and on.

It was 23:30 when I went back to bed.  I thought it had to be two, maybe three, in the morning?  No, just turning nearly forty after midnight.  I am exhausted though.  Even having rested to mid morning, then from very early afternoon until 21:00 (ish).  Tired enough that it slightly hurts.

Even so, connecting with sleep is proving difficult.  If wake dreaming about an overnight party with some sisters and girlfriends.  No, not as exciting as it might sound, and yet very much so, from the mind of a female.  Social connections, learning and teaching those odd things in life, plus just laughing and... such.  Boys are stupid?  ;p  Trying to make sense of things with a little help from friends, family, in a safer way?  Though women are meaner, if being mean is... nicer than certain other options which may not seem mean?

Dreams have been everywhere, all the time.  Crossing strange borders, challenging norms, happening while awake and asleep.  Strange, but wonderful.  I understand them.  Even enjoy them.  Strange, no nightmares.  If I even enjoy those, mostly.  Well, I did have a disfavored toenail color, at the overnighter.  Which was a bit uncomfortable.  But I was forgiven by the it girl, so.  Women!  

Good night.

A few things.

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Just a few.  Things mom just can't do.  I can, if currently just.  I really am fried.  One or all problems, meds, extended efforts, strenuous efforts, that it is high summer, and that medication is acually finally working which has a large effect on my systems.  Some or all, but it's been a really good run.  Falling a bit makes sense, is fair.

Still, okay.  If I really am hoping to get a second, or tenth, wind.

I had planned to get back to town Wednesday.  But needs suggest earlier.  Trash and recycling collected and out.  A meal.  I haven't been eating much for a few days.  Thought I would really dig in.  Planned on it.  I got half through the first course and that was that.  Even so, it is wonderful to feel absolutely stuffed on good food, and not much of it.

Just a bit of work tomorrow.  I may remain mostly down for a day to two weeks yet.  But hope to at least do filler chores, jobs mom can't quite do, but I can.  Not the big jobs, for a while.  Well, and some work up here, too.  Light.  Sorting.  Setting up more storage.  Ziptying the older storage, getting it put together better.  As well as making the newer storage more sturdy from the start.  Then organizing even better.  But... slowly, between helping mom, other tasks, rest, and extra sleep as needed.

Dreaming of dreaming, even while awake.  I've pulled a few neurons, am seeing stars from a sort of exhaustion shock.  Pulling too many psychic z's?  It's a bit rough.  Getting slightly better.  Good night.

Up at ten.

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Not for the day, yet.  Getting water, medicine, remembering to take painpills, and to talk to motther.  Planning things I can do today.  Not... negotiating, just... planning.  A few hooks for planters, moving the grill to where she wants it, and griddle.  A few such things.

She asked if I could get the tv wall mount up.  I told her no, and probably not tomorrrow.  I am hoping for Tuesday.  My heart hurts from being tired, inside there.  My muscles hurt, and are weeak from that.  I couldn't lift the parts, let alone drill for bolts, theen impact drive the bolts.  Tools would be too heavy on their own.  BP drop, to extended efforts, to the level of efforts have me pinned.  Perhaps meds are playing a part.  They can cripple me too, all on their own.  But combined?  Hoping to be back by Tuesday.  May be down for a month.

Still, pretty good for as bad as it is.  I am crippled, but not writhing in pain, agony, biting my lips to stiffle screams.  Or even unable to quiet myself.  Better.  Much better.  For now.

She is out, clearing the garage.  I filled her tea tumbler, got her walker where it was handy, emptied and placed the wheelbarrow where she wanted it, and did a few other things to her wants and needs, then called it.  Finishing a water then going back to bed.

I'll do the heavier things this afternoon.  Help with dinner or supper.  Then shower before beedtime.  Waking later for night chores... setting jugs for tea tomorrow, get her coffee ready, fill waters, and a few odds and ends.  Nothing fancy, but I help keep the odds and ends places and things running by tending auxiliaries.

I haven't been eating as much.  Weight is staying at 237.  Waist is staying smaller, shrinking beyond.  I must be gaining muscle.  As I am definitely continuing to slim (if I am still fat, by my standards, and objectively).  Not even consciously working on it, merely trying to eat enough, and correctly.

As good as it gets for now.  Plugging for more, but am limited at the moment.  Would be working up here, even, if I could.  Want to, need to, can't.  Won't even be able to stay awake much longer.  Ugh.  Be well, blessed.  Later.

I dreamed a little dream.

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.

Of her.  And her twinky.  A wonderful little dream.  Okay, not actually to the point of the sexual.  

Then, I realized, she was dreaming of me too.  Stupid girls.  We passed each other, in our dreams, as two ships passing.  We could see into each others' dream, as if passengers looking in on passing ships, through port holes.  Clear, or open.

We both enjoyed... the views, ideas, shapes.  For all my problems, I sure like the form, feel, and design of women.  Mostly.  Their brains are so... oddly wired.  Their fears are so... strange.  But to look at, and more?  I'm stuck.  I couldn't imagine wanting else.

Wonderful odd little nearly erotic dream.  Not quite dirty, but certainly just down the street.  Like good kids, being decent, but understanding... there is more to it.  And... considering the day that might happen.  Gorgeous, and yet chaste too.  That touch of lust, in with innocence, and a fresh cool ocean breeze, on a beautiful moonlit night.

I... can yet dream.  I can share.

Water?  A shower?  Food?  Later... or good night.

Not today.

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I set the alarms for eight and ten.  No dice.  I think I remember the ten, or her calling at noon?  Either way it didn't matter.  Noise in the background, and pain, is all I could understand.  She may have called again.  It didn't matter.  I finally, if just, crawled out of bed arond 14:30.

Even then, just getting out of bed was a very painful struggle.  My torso feels like it has been worked over by a hick with a two by four and good cause.  Some of them claim their women strongly, for example.

But too, my biceps, trices, quads, glutes, and most of my major muscle groups, some bones, tendons, and joints are a bit sore to raw.  I have two types of headaches, one from pushing too long, one from neck and back tension, if thankfully no migraine in there.  As well, my heart is sore from weariness.

Just sitting up was a thing.  Getting out of bed was brutal.

So... no work today.  No big work.  Mom... understood, or let it go today.  I wasn't going to argue.  If she wasn't going to play nice, I was just going to grab a water and go hack to bed.  She... relaxed.  So we talked.  She asked for a few things, things I could do.

She wanted me to make my homemade ranch dressing.  I had let her know I had a smaller cordless kit for her.  She wanted me to get that and some bits for her.  I had to hunt and peck, but got those items.  Had to charge the batteries, which is done save the third battery, but it is in the cradle.  Should be more her size, certainly compared to my 9 ah flex DeWalt.  It is a Milwaukee, just their smallest or thereabouts.  She also has smaller impact driver in the kit.  Not sure she will use that, but the old girl has more grit, sometimes, than even I thought, and I'm rather... demanding.  Eighty two?  Well, you aren't dead yet, I might larf holler.

Oh, then I found a bit set.  If I get back up later, to get a shower, gave some food, I may see about a small drill bit set for her too.  Help them help you, if it is all you can do?  Plus, I think she is proud of her own little kit.  And it should serve her well.  Freedom has costs, but it opens the world.

A bit of water, after I finish.  Back to sleep for a bit.  Maybe up for food, that shower, and to finish her kit.  And to take night meds...

Oh?  BP was... 126/76?  Pulse in the low 70s?  It was as high as 210/120 with a pulse as high as 120, maybe 140, just last week.  Might be part of why my body hurts.  While good, that is nearly halving those numbers, in a hurry.

Well.  There is that.  Later, or good night.

Awake at midnight.

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.

Was, that is.  It is now one.  Close enough.  Water.  When I can wake... or more get up.  A shower too?  Peckish?  Sure, just not sure if I am hungry enough to do anything about it.  Hmm, a slug of kefir might work, a fatted coffee too?  It's been a while since I've doubled those in a day.

I'll open the windows when I am down.  Might turn off the ac and open the windows up here.  Fresh air is the bestest.  If it is cool enough.

One last load of orders through amazon.  Some things mom wants or needs, some for me.  A hauler for the yard, a trimmer more my size, tshirts for her to try, and a few items I have wanted for the house but finally think I can work my way through to... various filters for the water coming in.  Various stages of sediment and a few filters for else.  Sediment filters would be super, the others?  Who ever really knows.

Mom buys stuff she really wants, but I add things she says no to.  I... am not always right, or wrong.  I am aimiing to help her, give her what is needed, not just wants, minimums.  She is a hard worker.  She deserves some comfort, style, too.  I can't do as she would.  I am broken.  But I can help, and ease her burden with the right extras.  Trust me, it's a bargain.  And can return what she doesn't end up liking.

Though, I will say, with a work leader, reminders, and such, I am pulling more weight than I thought possible.  I may crash, terribly, at some point.  I do crash, from time to time, but for shootter spells, so far.  If I think she will too.  If we can get the home ready for company, perhaps both ways, then settle for a slow but steady fall and winter routine... while preparing for a spring breakout, and slower summer run?  Things are possible.

She will begin teaching me to iron again.  Pillow cases, as starter materials to learn doing.  Check.  No, I asked her to teach me.  We'll start a small vegetable potted garden, some things possibly going in this fall.  Setting up sewing stations, and working that this winter?

I told her I had a serger.  She went flat and cold on that.  I then told her it had an automatic threader.  She looked at me as if I said I walk on water.  I... think she loved the work they did but spent countless fruitless hours trying to thread.  Those are netoriously difficult, more so since she simply doesn't have the mind for that.  But... autothreading?  I saw... something clicking in there, perhaps as a child dreaming of plum pudding, or trying to hope to dream?  Praying it wouldn't turn into another nightmare?

Anyway.  That is the story for now, tonight.  Later, or good night.

So tired.

.

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I did get the new shower system in.  It looked a bit daunting.  The instructions were the typical tripe.  But it went together well enough.  The real good thing is the improved water flow.  It gets warm water there much faster.

I'm going to look a bit tonight.  I wanted to install the grab bar.  I looked for the studs, using a magnet.  The whole shower, through the tiles, was magnetized?  Must be a steal basin?  But, the walls sounded hollow, except near the corners.  I am hoping... there is support in there.

That, and the tv mount, first thing.

She wanted to dig in the freezer tomorrow, add a few planter hooks out tonight, and what was planned for tomorrow.  I just said "no".  I was completely done.  I did get the tank changed for the griddle, then cooked supper.  But started crashing.  Never did sleep today.  Really needed it.

On to bed now, though.  Good night 

Not happy.

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.

But, she has learned when I get a bit of a wobble to my cant, words begin to slur, I am done.  I told her I was just down for water, that I was probably going back up.  But they hear and understand based on their will, not literal meaning.  Emotion based.

I did a few things while down there.  She has retreated from the outdoors.  The sun, and heat, even for a summer girl, is getting back to it's summer regular, and with less atmosphere and air can get tyrannical.  Drawers, in the kitchen.  She keeps wanting to put contact paper in things.  No.  NO!  That is a renter concept.  It destroys whatever you put it in.

No.  I'll eventually sand those out.

I helped, small bits, this and that.  Telling her what some things are.  Surprised she has never made sprouts.  Was probably told by the news that it was hippy food, or somehow bad for you.  Soy, sure... shouldn't even be fed to edible livestock, to be honest.  But your government hates you, so manipulates that into your food supply.  As with sugar, carbohydrate generally, and seed oil.  They want you dead between 60 and 75, slightly younger if possibly, ideally.  Just understandd that.  Though, it too, looks like they are aiming for much younger, and at the productive classes.  To much rejoicing from the target group too.  Oh well.  Never step between the brainwashed and their just desert?  

Anyway... after two waters and a kefir (if still pretty mild), and a water up with me, it's about bedtime again, for a while.  But I really want to get the new shower head and grab bar in, today.  The tv mount would be good, just not sure I can do it all.  Ugh 

Later.

I am worn out.

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.

I set the alarm for six.  Not to wake, just to begin waking.  Then the second alarm for eight.  If even then I had doubts.  I reset the eight for nine, snoozing through.  Mom called at ten.  I finally made it down at ten thirty.

She had the spool, to add line for the weed whip.  Said it was there, on the table.  Just waking, I just went along with it.  After waking, I am sure it wasn't on the table.  I looked around pretty well, twice, before giving up on that task last night.  Did she realize, then bring it out, then forget?  Or is it a typical, conscious, mom superiority ploy?  Yes, mom's screw with kids as they do hubbies, friends, and enemies.  Head games, if half of their games also somehow involve fooling, pushing, tricking, themselves.  It's why they are so good at, if some men have them nearly totally zeroed.  The only thing is that they really can misforget things too.  A major vagina thing.

And trickster nexus ones quadruply so... even enough to know without needing to debate it every time.  Just drop cues that the gig is known from time to time.  Which is... sometimes completely lost on them, until their female mind tabulates for the last few hours, day(s), or week.  Then they have an "Oh  shit!  He knows!" moment.  *grins*  Which they promptly forget, for comfort, or ignore or take for granted as there seems no serious consequences. ;p

Some bins gone through.  One to the basement.  Old jeans to be cut for a quilt?  Another emptied and sorted.  Two left to begin collecting shoes and boots of my old sizes.  

We talked about what she wanted on the list.  The new shower head has her priority over the tv wall mount?  That surprised me, if how I would have put it for my druthers.  So, the grab bar goes with the shower work.  Gotta keep em' together.  I need to find plumber tape.  Was looking for that when I had to rest.  May sleep a bit.  No choice.

The goal is through to the tv wall mount.  Minus putting the tv up, today.  Nothing else on the list tomorrow, as putting up the tv, hooking up the headphones, and then setting up the rabbit ears to receive local, assuming I can get the wall mount up today (no guarantee) will take tomorrow and maybe the next day.  And none of those are on the official list.  Especially with my need for rest and extra sleep.

Yes, a bit more sleep.  Then to things when I wake.  So very tired, and sleepy.  But, with plans, by the number, for a bit.  Goals after that... through to fall.  And even some tenative ideas for through the winter.  Quilt cuttings, sewing room(s) setup, and a slower deeper house cleaning and sorting.

Really?  Even next spring has steps roughly being scored.  It's... all possible.  I am impressed with what she is doing.  Impressed with what I have been doing.  Sustainable?  This summer sprint?  No.  But we should have the home ready for company late summer.  Do a bit of family social hosting.  A first for me.  But... my door, as I haave said, is open.

I best get a bit of water.  Then sleep more.  Later.

She is beginning to understand.

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.

I can't do much, or for long.  And less in the heat.  After a trip to town, especially in the summer, I am done.  For a bit.  A few light quick tasks, a bite, then down until my body cools off.  Then I get up and can do a few more light tasks... assuming she doesn't hide what is needed, on purpose or by accident.

Water is being put through the r.o. system, with one jar set out for adding tea bags, for sun tea, in the morning.  About a half gallon a day, is what she slogs.  The extra water, after the jars and extra are filled, goes into the ice machine which I run through the night to top off the ice containers in the freezer.

Windows are opened a crack, fans are turned on if they aren't going.  One of us is up before it gets too hot.  She... sometimes closes things, but I need to check.  Double panels in her room have to be both shut.  Sometimes she does, sometimes she only does one.  Energy, wakefulness, such, play a part.

Been doing well with meds.  Late, tonight, but that works too.  Usually get that in earlier.  But the travel, so many stops today, and bit of work when I got home closed me down too fast today to remember.  Which makes these later wake and work periods a extra boon.  I sometimes hit any remaining dishes.  Not tonight, but I will put up what is drying in the rack at least.

Not everything, every night.  Just enough extra so that she doesn't feel like she is doing it all.  Even if, mostly, she is.  As I told my doc, I can't tend myself.  There is no way I could tend me and her.  But I can help her.  Do.  As well as possible.  This is working for both of us, once we... sorted things, got rested, got a few things better set up, and are communicating really well.  We both want this to work.  

Yes, night shift helps.  Sleep in the afternoon for me, then later.  She sleeps only at night.  Figuring out when we can work together, on what.  And when I just have to walk away.

I have a final list of things to finish setting up her room.  TV wall mount, end table, bedside bar to help her out on days she needs it... which folds out of the way when not needed, the new shower head system so she can have a handheld sprayer where she can reach it, a grab bar in her shower, and... a thing or two more.

No, no, not in one day.  I did prioratize.  I'll get two a day.  Maybe three.  But, I need rest from all the efforts of late, heat, and still helping her on the side.  Two of those a day.  Setting her up a bit.  Resting or sleeping.  Working in my room.  Night shift stuff.  Then more sleep and rest theough to the morning.

She finds I can, and do, go deep.  When or as I can.  Physically, if in limited times, and with heat as a major limit, but able to do almost miracles... when I can work.  But I get it done, don't mind working when, as I can.  And will spend as needed to do things right.  Again, to some limits.

But, spending should be tapering.  I'll be putting her rent in savings, with what I am withholding, until I have... A six month nest egg, or year.  And paying heavier on bills.  But at the year nestegg, I'll cut savings to half current, and chase bills, even, or probably only the heloc (home improvement) loan (by then).

Still, would like to pay that down, then use it for other things, back and forth.  Until I sell or die, or get the old house into solid trim.  Ugh.  Good night.

Oh my word.

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To town again.  Had to.  Medicine, dry cleaning, if it still wasn't all ready?  But okay.  Sassy found her really nice wool cloak and furred it up.  They kindly aren't charging extra.  The grace of time is an easy, even humble cost.

This, that, and more.  Phone was paid, on time, this time.  Will try to figure out auto pay for that this month.  Thought it was already set up.  Not, but at least I got it paid in time so that it can be set up, this time?  And the employee, this time, would have received employee of the month with his approach.  Check.  I... did complain, last time, but just on my blog.  Someone has big ears... eyes?  Got a bit of hastle, after.  But... that seems to have been cleared up.  Very good to work with peeps with good attitudes.

Looked for a storage company I have dealt with before.  Couldn't find it.  Bleh.

Then to the hardware store.  A lawn hose, splitter, and sprayer.  Two terra cotta planters and trivets.  Oh, and a bunch of things.  Some on a list, other things on other, or unwritten, lists.  Trying to support mom, in her efforts, and keep a few other things going on my own.

Ordered a DeWalt trimmer, cord, leaf blower, and extra batteries.  With this, that, and these, I should be able to work myself into the ground before running out of batteries.  At least in the fall, more.  I doubt if I can eat one 5ah, let alone one of the 9 ah flex 20/60 batteries, in this heat.  But... I will be ready to try more this fall.  Even some this summer.

Blood sugar got jacked yesterday.  Too many raw veggies, and jicama.  A whole one, with a veggie plate and even my carnivore dressing, way dosed my blood sugar.  Since it was blown, I got us Jimmy John subs for food today.  Jj's doesn't (usually) jack my blood sugar as one would think.  Usually.  But, with it oddly blown already, I didn't give a hoot either way.  And a bit of a treat, plus no cooking, worked today.

Ugh.  Later.  Much later.  Or good night.

Couldn't sleep.

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.

Or work.  Resting, reading bits and pieces, here and there.  Trying to cool down.  Hoping to work or sleep.  I may get a shower in, to see if that will help.

I did try on some clothes I received today.  Some will go back tomorrow.  Surprisingly, much fit.  It sounds like about half of what I got mom will work for her.  What doesn't fit will also be sent back, and a few things that were ordered will be ordered in extra.  It should cover one and the other.  With extra, for my and two returns not being replaced.

Oh, but I have overspent.  Not down to zero, but more deeply than thought.  Between the time it takes for charges to go through, and billing to pay, and as busy and hectic as things got, I spent down a bit deeper than thought.

Bills should be covered.  And, maybe, a ribeye roast could be had.  Plus some in the main account, and side account... for emergencies.  But... next month I will cut expenses in half, quarter more like.

Not sure how mom is keeping up.  I just ask to make sure she is sure she is okay.  And I have been managing a small stash for her.  At least she knows, somehow, that I keep her money straight.  When I remind her, about spending, she remembers.  Plus... she has a good idea of how much I have spent on her, for some of her needs and wants.

I can't, won't, buy everything she wants.  Some things I know she needs, even unders and bras... which she was going crazy looking for, not finding, but refusing to buy.  I... get bullheaded like that sometimes, and just suffer through.  A bit embarrassing, but I refused to let her suffer through.  Stubborn cow!  ;p  Well, and a few other things.  As said, though not all.  She has to be aware of economy.  That she may have to pay keeps her list of wants and needs... smaller, focussed.  Well, and she is losing weight, so... trying to give her a bit of help there.  Losing weight can get pricy of a sudden.  A little help really is a relief.  I'm just glad that I can help, even just this bit.

Life is pretty good.  We have smoothed out.  We manage our anger, memory issues, and paranoia for my part.  I am, mostly, confident that even if she does something, mostly, wrong... it is an error, not intention.  Or... just old habits.  We really try to help and work with each other.  I did tell her I wouldn't help her more this evening.  But I did a lot today, in town and when I returned.  I was well past shot.  Didn't get in a snit, just said no.  Or she would have had me do a dozen more things.  Nothing fancy, or angry, just "no".

Later or good night.

Oh, so hot out there!

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.

I got up around 8:30.  Seemed warm even then.  A shower and coffee.  Before a drop, I checked my blood sugar... 96 fasting.  Now I'm happy.  Low 100s is okay.  Sub 100 is optimal.  Down to the 70s.  BP wasn't good, but they did it the old way, at the office.  I... thought so...  Machines give galsely high numbers.  A quart of coffee wouldn't have lowered it from 195/120 to 156/95.  Nor would the busy drive in.

Fake and gay, the machines.  Paid to find pathologies and bad numbers, to medicate you more.  I'll have to forgo bp machines, just do it myself if they really need it.  American medical is criminal at this point.  Some of it.  Foot doc seems legit, though.  One out of dozens.  Not a good look.

Got a shower, after coffee.  Got the boxes broken down out to the car.  Did a few things to get mom started.  Oh, she wanted me to start the roast, my way.  I did it mostly my way.  Would have added water to the broth.  Wasn't in the mood to haggle the point.  Soon.  Then to the post.  To pay a letter cum package so that it would be delivered.  The shipping was more than the value, if sometimes cost misses the point.  It really can be the thought.  On my dollar though.  But even I have sympathy on a poor ol' thing.  The woman has been against it since the day she was born, as with most women.  If they always mistake how.  Not another word.  ;p

On to town.  Boxes in.  The appointment.  A car wash.  And... something else.  Then home.  So damned hot!

I have to go to town tomorrow.  The last of mom's meds to be picked up.  Returns to amazon.  The dry cleaner pickup.  And a few other things.  Sort of no choice.  But, I told her, after that I am done for the weekend.  Other than resting, sleeping, work up here.  It is supposed to get to 97 today.  At 95 by 14:00, I am hoping 97 is the top.  It could easily top a hundred at this point.

I am resting, sleeping, for a bit.  Ah, supper is ready.  Dinner?  After 17:00, soI'd go with supper.  Dinner is earlier.  In my book.

--------

Ugh.  It was hot.  Food was good though.  Roast and a few veggies.  On to just a bit of blog and real news reading.  Not much of yhat these days... Leftist camp and Trump camp... both are full on tribal lie distributors at this point.  Epstine who?  Israel can genocide anyone they see fit, since they are the good guys (bought congress with former US taxpayer largess).  Etc.  If the left is mostly worse.  Only hating American faithful Jews, not secular Israeli pseudo Jews.  Well, and everything else being lies to cover other lies, to top falsehoods.  Trump is a comparative amateur at lying.  But he is working at it.  Gotta wonder how many those many, millions, more, repatriations will happen?  Five, ten, thousand.  Probably not even all he is deciding to claim are "real" illegals (when they all are).

Huh?  Hot.  If that isn't all or close to most or the worst problems.  Still, hoping to wake, and do some work tomorrow.  Or not.  Good night.

Got it.

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.

The kefir grains, drained of whey overnight, is what my grandmother had made.  Calling it cottage cheese.  Now, she used the grains as the end product, while I pulled the whey before it parted, as drinkable if more probiotically potent yogurt... aka kefir.  But this is easily doable.  I've always had a significant excess of grains left over from my processing.  I just didn't have the will to push through to use that for myself.

Though, yes.  I will happily replace store bought cottage cheese with this.  

As well, she sampled the kefir... reluctantly.  I doubted she would like it.  To my surprise she did.  If I did caution her to go slow on these foods to start out.  They can have a serious cleansing property.  She may well see how to use these things, including whey when taught not to think of it as hog trough discard, and see where it can act as natural preservative for even refrigerator pickles, and such.  Well, and as a natural fermenting agent (non-alcoholic form).

She made hot poppers tonight.  And hot dogs plus blue cheese crumbled in with my dressing on a salad.  I am getting back to a meal a day, or every other day.  She does two or three, and snacks.  Keeps trying to get me to eat what I won't eat.  Would have been different a  year ago.  Though I limit sweets.  She has until Friday for her cake.  Still there when I wake Friday, it gets tossed.  Can't have more until late next week.  If she gets and keeps a hidden stash, unless I find it, I don't care.  If she offers it to me?  Garbage.  Open each package.  Lessons.

Man, she really gets confused.  Believes I said something I know I didn't.  Like potatoes are okay, or to add regular sugar to something, or that I gave her something I definitely did not.  Could I be wrong.  Doubtful.  Some things I won't argue, other than to state I did not say or agree to that.  Other things I will make absolutely blazing clear that her conversation in her head had nothing to do with me.

Oh, I found keto pancake batter.  Even it is pretty high, at 16 varbs for  four saucer sized pancakes.  Nearly my whole alottment of carbs, without an even keto topping.  Could just add butter.  I have several packs.

Anyway.  A mostly quieter day.  Helped her a bit, a few times.  Rested when possible.  Didn't work up here... or much.  A few things.  Ugh.  I am feeling... better.  Still need a bit more rest.  And want to hit it up here, this weekend, hard.

As I keep telling her, one thing at a time.  One day, hour, moment, room, task, at a time.  It's not a sprint, let alone a sprinting marathon.  Not even the idea of a marathon, a race based on the death inducing 23 mile run of a Roman soldier... if the story is to be believed?  No, it's... just moments of work, sleep, and rest... stitched into a tapestry started at birth, materially ended at death, if I vouch that that is just the cover of the book, not close to the whole, or rest, of the story.

Slow it down.  It will all be there tomorrow.  Much of it even if you did it today.  Amen to that, sister.  Good night.

She thinks I am spoiling her.

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.

I am not.  I am merely making sure she has what she needs for an easier life, and enough for basic living.  She is losing weight, so needs a few things.  She can't find some things.  And probably needs more shoes than she needed in the nursing home, and better shoes.

She needs things to make mobility easier.  As well, as I bring her more toward keto/carnivore, I am buying foods to help.  If she wants to make things for herself, up to a point, okay.  But, say, a whole normal cake?  No, it would be too tempting.  Or make it and toss three quarters of it.  OR... make a keto cake.  If even then I won't eat much.  Don't trust those.  But better than a sugar and seed oil cake.

As well, for now, more veggies and such.  Mostly for her.  Next month, other than meat, eggs, and dairy, she will have to buy else.  Veggies, mostly.  Candy and sweets (but as I told her in limited amounts or I'll toss if tempted).

Plus, she is buying some of what she needs and wants too.  Rent, she paid, and another double that, has been spent on her this month.  Just by me.  True.  I don't think she understood her needs, or how expensive the world got.  This is not spoiling.  It is helping to get her set up for her age and condition in a new place.

She does a lot of work.  Definitely adding a woman's touch to the place.  I don't begrudge helping her live better and easier.  That isn't spoiling.  It will taper, a bit.  Though... having a woman in the house is expensive.  They... go theough supplies, have needs and wants, and just... spend, want, need, and do... things.  But, it will be more sharply tapering, and she brings money in two ways, so... it'll even out in time.

Later.

No troubles.

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.

If mom died, she did so peaceably, asleep.  Though she seemed to be breathing and sleeping well?  As far as I could tell, if I didn't want to risk waking her either.  Nothing seemed amiss or otherwise out of place.  Always a minor relief to... find things as hoped, not feared.

While up, I filled water jugs.  All filled.  Got one batch of ice finished, another in the making.  Had a late mug of fatted coffee, plus cheese and summer sausage.  Oh, and reset kefir.  I left some out to drain, into a kefir grain facsimile of cottage cheese?  Will find out.  Her mom used to make something, that to me, sounds like kefir grains left to empty of whey, dry out.  I have that going.  I am hoping I can revive a memory.

She didn't learn how to do this particular food process before her mother died.  She learned much, but there is so much and so little time.  I am hoping this is it, or will do.  It will, then, need to be salted, peppered, and chilled.  Perhaps mixing in a dash of whole cream to make it smooth, creamy, softer.  I will taste it, but more want the drinkable kefir than grain cottage cheese.  Though why not a touch of both?  Then I toss fewer grains... one can hope.  But have to start slowly on that, or it will clean you out in a fast hard whoosh!  I can eat it without hastle.  She should use mild caution... or throw caution (and else) to the winds?  ;p

Now on to sleep, again.  Good night.

Awake?

.

.

Doesn't matter much.  Wide awake?  Yep.  Did I forget to do something?  Water was turned off.  The eye of chuck roast was cut, wrapped, and put up.  Made mom coffee, using her coffee... which was more expensive than mine.  :p  mine was $14.xx, hers was ~$18, though mine is per pound, she probably got between two and three pounds.  Still, she was thinking less than $10.  I asked her how long it had been since she shopped.  Thought she had bought that more recently, while shopping for her friend.  Nope.  Sticker shock is strong with this one.

Oh, not laughing.  I felt bad for her, as well as the rest of us.  Inflation hasn't any more been checked by Trump than Biden.  Sorry fan-boys.  It just isn't true.  He has done things, but drags his feet on many things, merely changes which crony capitalist gets .gov trough time, and alters a few things, lightly, the next pig caller in chief will simply change back.  He is back to full on Trump light.  He got back on the billboard.  Roused then smashed repubs, while getting them to cheer for their continued emasculation.  Whatever.  Which is why I don't vote for a team that isn't on my side.  Teams are either most thirdworld and foreign controlled, or Israel and rich American (who are general foreign owned or operated cartels).  Nothing for US citizen Joes.

I would like to do a few things up here.  Just... can't.  Only slept a few hours.  Trying to figure out why I am awake.  Will put some shorts and a t-shirt on and check mom.  We have been reliably wishing each other a good night, and saying we love each other.  Even if a bit angry, if that isn't a common, or as common of an, event lately.

We may still not agree, at all.  Sometimes about bigger things.  Sometimes I simply say no.  Sometimes she insists.  Usually just not on the same things.  *chuckles*  Though rarely, sometimes still.  What happens, happens.  We go off, or finish a task.  Then just cool off.

Not this month, or next, we will get her a beta fish.  She loved those.  Lost her last one to a housefire.  Then it was always 'too soon' for another.  Then she was in a nursing home.  Might get two, albeit for different rooms.

Tomorrow, save for help setting her up, lifting some things, and a few tasks I have, the goal is to hit my room.

Oh?  And, while I still have a belly?  And last I checked was pushing back to 240 pounds?  My waist is down to 36, if more like 34?  It almost horrifies me.  Mostly in a good way.  It's that I still have belly?  It is continuing to shrink, slowly.  But how can I have such a small pants waist fit area and still so much stomach?  Sure, I haven't had this little stomach in thirty six to thirty four years, a few years after I fell ill.  But, still, it seems rude.

On to check downstairs.  Just to make sure the hind brain isn't telling me there is a problem.  Doubt it, but patents know, if they wake oddly, to check.  And, I guess, so to adult children tending their elder folk.  Gah!  But it's not bad to have people in one's care.  Even growly old farts like me.

Later or good night... again?

Another trip to town.

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.

Solo this time.  Had to do a bank deposit.  Did some shopping while at it. From nail polish remover for mom, to various mostly carnivore food.  It is hot out there.  It's been worse, will probably get worse.  But it was a stretch as is.

Just to the bank, store, and post office.  Mom wanted a few things from elsewhere.  I was neither willing or able.  Late night duties, plus doing work in the room, plus helping her.  I... didn't want out today.  No choice.

With the place getting flowers, and cleaned up a bit, I half expected family of the original owning family to eventually show up.  Gary did today.  Sooner than anticiated.  Asked if he could use his metal detector.  I didn't mind.  Though I should stipulate that if he finds something of some worth we go 60%/40%.  Yes, I would expect the lion's share.  I... get the feeling, from this and other experiences, that there were rumors of buried treasure.

Most such were created to... maintain a level of... familial resppect, based on wealth that never existed.  Still, you never know.  Yea.

Plus, he had three homes here close together.  Which one he would have buried it on is anybody's guess.

Back to shorts, cotton socks, and open shoes.  A bit of talking with mom.  A bit of cutting a chuck eye into roasts, then a nap.  Later.  Or good night.

Late.

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.

Very.  Slept a bit a few times today.  Went down after 23:00.  Mother was still up.  So we had tea.  Iced for her, fresh brewed for me.

I noticed, a week ago, that my hair has been filling in and growing?  Tonight we both realized, beyond a doubt.  My hair has grown between four and six inches since we met in Iowa.  It had been the length it was there and then for... months?  A year?  Longer?  I still wwonder if I have been being poisoned.  If so, that has, mostly (?) stopped?

Anyway, it was clear to me something major changed.  It was clear to her that length and volume have greatly increased.  She doesn't have a past with which to grasp, contend, but is still... impressed.

Anyway.  I turned the water on, for the front lawn.  We had our libations.  Talked a bit.  Then she went on to bed.  I did a few last minute things for her.  Then camee up and rested until it was time to shut the water off.  If I did some sorting and hanging clothes.

Not tonight, but tomorrow I know where to put bedding.  No room up here, or currently.  That will clear at least another basket.  Cleared another.  Hoping to clear one more for tomorrow.  As well as finally get to wheree I stowed hangers, which I need for a few piles of shirts.

I remembered to get garbage out tonight, as a last minute thing.  Hope I didn't disturb her, but maybe she knew what that was, as I had suggested I would do so.

Fairly deep into the morning.  Want to be up and out, soon, against my wishes.  Some busiiness to sort.  Maybe some shopping, and a return while at it.  Just to not have as much to do next time, since I have to go anyway.  So tired, I'll try to get some sleep now.

Doing pretty good.  Just not healing, resting up, or working as fast or well as I would like.  All good, given some options.  

Good night.

Have I created a monster?

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.

Shopping on amazon is so damned easy, and expensive.  Can get way out of hand without caution.  And she has been in old folks' home lockdown for three, four, years.  Plus, she just moved, so is trying to set up her new 'fish bowl'.  But... we are going to have to watch things.  It is really easy to overdo.

I have... some reserves, and else.  Even so, it can eat you alive.  A rule I have is that nothing goes back for buyers regret.  If the size is off?  If it was poorly (wrongly advertised), broken, or even if I find it at a much better price (an allowed, by them, grievance), sure.  But not because I ordered it then, but now don't want to pay.  I hold her to those rules on my account.

She has planted flowers (annuals, one year types).  She wants rototilling up front, for spring and annuals.  Though we are going to have to talk.  The area she wants, if I must plant stupid flowers, will get lily of the valley, not tulips or other such nonsense.  But we can sort this out.

Grill is going for steak.  Didn't go the first shot.  I lowered the hood.  Even with the major spot airway clean open.  Ah, didn't open the lower vent.  Not sure, may have to reset it again, again.  Gah!

Top sirloin tonight.  We'll have ribeye later this week for a late 4th cookout.  All good.  Will be getting the flattop going this week.  More for eggs, bacon, and such.  Though it can do a steak or chop easily, or burger crumble.  Grilling isn't my favorite, though for burgers, dogs, and brats it works well... the best, mostly.  Plus, no mess.

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Super full.  The top sirloins were really good, mine was.  Fried mushrooms and onions on the side.  My water for me, straight tea for her.  She doesn't like my carbonated water, flavored or not.  I like or love the variations I can find and choose.  I was still stuffed from the blt's yesterday!  Still haven't gotten into the chicken breasts for me from yesterday.  Will heat those tomorrow, then shred them over a salad.  Should be enough for both of us, if she may have another meal or two?  With my fatted coffee, I get plenty of calories and nutrition.

Probably a nap, now.  Then work later.  Sleep after that.  And more work ir resting.  Her endtable will be set up tomorrow.  And her new shower system.

I am going to have to just leave sometimes.  She... begins trying to have me do everything.  I just mossie on when she gets that way... when I realize it.  Ugh.  Later, or good night.

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Oh!  My best friend got a new toy that may allow another plan for myself, his brother, and himself, to move forward.  Hint... wearing helmets is keenly advised.  Even if I don't seem to need them.  ;p  Woot!  A bit jealous, in the good way.  Wives aren't all bad.  Ha.

OMG, women are retarded.

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She is cleaning the grill. That... isn't what makes her retarded.  She has needed several pails of water.  That isn't it either.

Arguing with me about things I know... can make her retarded.  The grill fits in there.  But not with the big coal starter (which I use as a smaller, hotter, grill).  They can't both fit the egg formed grill shell at once.  Would have to cut the chimney in half or thirds.

But, she argued with me about not having a center plate for the cast grill.  I knew there is, or had been one.  She argued for three minutes that there was no such thing (which would have meant she tossed it without thinking... then forgot, or was hiding the fact).

I then told her it had definitely been here yesterday.  I saw it, with a cast lifter tine, for removing both the center and outer round... if you have the strength, and I do.  She, then, said "This?".  Yep.  Then told me she was washing the center round piece she had just argued wasn't here and never existed.  Retarded!!!  Ugh.

But the grill has been cleaned.  Will find charcoal, and get those sirloins going later.  Ugh.  Ten minutes of absolutely useless debate.  She was wrong about every aspect.  And she will never admit it.  I think they just want attention, though... they do seem to be a bit retarded.

Can't stack dishes in the washer, or retrieve cat food, in any kind of simple ordered fashion either.  Then again the cat food thing?  Whoever steals it is either another woman or similarly retarded.  The odd removal process (beside hidden numbering) is how I know about that.

Got the battery in to the riding mower.  No-go.  Haven't been able to start the gas trimmer.  New fresh gas, all was started by my friend earlier.  I texted.  He will try to show mercy and be by... today, or when possible.  If they start right up for him, I will officially hate those devices.

Retarded.  She may not be the only one?  Bah!

Resting, cooling, for a bit.  I'll get her bedside put together and up later.  Tomorrow, the shower head and grab bar for the shower.  The day after, perhaps the bedside grab bar.  Then, when the tv mount arrives, getting that up and the tv on it, will be the last of setup chores.

Painting... will happen... when it happens.  Her stuff being sorted is her thing.  If I can move a few things in, out, and up as needed (but not constant, a few hit and runs).  My room needs much work, I need sleep and rest.  What happens will happen as is possible, in it's time.

Later.

Awake, with plans.

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Feeling a bit more rested.  Slept three or four cycles in the last two days.  Much needed too.  She just waits to pounce with tasks.  A few more, already agreed to, some ongoing, alway a few that pop up.  But, after a few batches to finalize, and other than a few support through things, I'll be staying almost solely with figuring and sorting my room, areas, and sleep cycles.

We also need to get to making food with leftovers.  While that isn't anyone's favorites, doing stacks of dishes, and cooking, everyday, isn't acceptable either.  Which is were roasts in the crockpot, egg casseroles, and such, shine.  And larger amounts.  She has a thing for tiny roasts.  That feed two for one or two lighter meals.  I use roasts that served for three to five days themselves.  With salads, keto foods, and else around, edible with minimal to no cooking or prep, that can be stretched to two for three days easily.

With the 4th coming up, meat was difficult to find, and horribly expensive.  I have some slim hope for better prices and availability here on in.  I'll begin looking later this week, as I get out for medical.

For a bit, I am planning to sort the clothes, and a few boxes.  Two baskets of clothes a box of new and a box of old things, clothes, random, is the minimum goal.  A few more would be better.  Then back to sleep?  Resting?  Or coffee then one of those.  Can't be sure.

A few agreed to things, a few side things through the day.  And more rest and work up here as possible.  Grinding from exhaustion still.  So I won't push, or be pushed, hard.  The heart is slugging along, more tired than pained, now at least, finally.  I'd like to get it rested, if some of that will take a higher dose of medications than I can even take quite yet.  One thing at a time.

Well... best get on to things.  Later.

A bit this evening.

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I went down for water.  Already had late medicine.  There was supper, but was still full from lunch... a backon, lettuce, and tomato sandwhich usiing my keto bread and carnivore dressing... for those of us carnivores who tolerate thus use dairy.  Chicken breasts, fried.  I saved those for tomorrow.  AllI'll need.

I use a packet of very clean ranch mix.  No soy, sugars, seed oils, or else.  Then mix whole cream, cream cheese, and sour cream.  Blending that in a smoothy maker.  Oh, adding a touch of salt and fresh ground pepper will do you for as final flourishes.  Mom loves that.  I meant to get blue cheese.  Break some off and crumble that in for a tight taste treat.  We both love that even more.

Then set up some water outside.  A bucket for planting.  Set her coffee up.  Changed her alarm for her time.  Will teach heee how to do that in time.  That's a personal task she will have to learn to do.  For now it works.  Turned off the sprinklers.  And... did a few other items.

Well, and told her what I would do.  Put her bedstand together and set where she needs it.  As well put the new showerhead in there.  It has a shower wand and an overhead outlet.  She can use one or both.  I may attempt to install a heavy grabbar in the shower as well.

Now I will sleep for a bit again.  Am hoping to wake in a bit to sort things up here.  Then rest or sleep some more.  Trying to get my body back in order, and doing a bit aside.  Sleeping a lot, but still helping lightly, and doing bits up here.  Doing what I can.  Good night, again.  Or later?

Up early.

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No choice this time.  And, oddly, while it is about mother, she wasn't going to say boo about it.  However, I remembered that her meds weren't going to be filled until today.  So... we really do have to get out for those.

I set my alarm for nine, am waking just before it.  We also have been wanting to get a few slacks for me and coats for her to the dry cleaners.  As well, if against her will, we will be getting her vape packets.  The next run wouldn't be until the nineth, by which time I am sure she would be out.  And, no, I won't do her sin runs.

With weekly runs for those, we may begin picking up dairy.  Will see.  It's right near where we go.

After that, however, I am back to sleeping.  Getting rested.  Hoping, if I can finish, to begin in on my room again.  Tons of clothes washed, needing sorted, and hung or put in drawers.  Just to start, and open back what I had cleared.  Then starting sorting new and old stuff in boxes, clearing a table and taking it down.  Perhaps putting another clothes rack where the table was.  Clearing and ordering my sewing table, cloth stash, patterns, kit, and all.

It's a lot, but after seeing what I did in a month, and my mom did in weeks, and with ssome rest and being allowed to do it at my variable pace, I am hoping to be done... with this proposed... two Fridays hence.  Then I'll work on the floors and windows.  Say... another week?  We'll see.

Have to go slow anyway.  Meds wiil, if they haven't started, begin cutting what legs I have left after exhaustion.  It's just the way of it.  When they begin failing?  I won't have them back to me until a month after getting to full dose, maybe two months.  And they are going slow, with kidneys taking steep negative dives.  So... At this pace?  Two to three months until full dose, so four to five months until I'm no longer a medicine zombie.

Though, I will say, eating more often, and daily work efforts beyond my intentions, may be helping.  I do have to back that down, some.  But not completely.  I don't always like it.  But it helps mom, and me too.  Plus, I concur with the results.

Best get down, get coffee, a shower, then get going.  Later.

Woke me.

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Not responding.  A storm coming?  Cleaned the garage?  Wanted me to pull the vehicle in?

No.  It isn't an issue of cleanliness.  It is, was, clean enough.  The problem is that the old and new toilet are in there.  One to be installed.  One to be sold.  I don't trust her to back me in, I don't trust myself (or even Hayden) to back it in.  Hayden breaks more things than I do.  No.

If the vehicle can't handle a storm, oh well.  Assuming there is even really a storm on the way.  Weather forecasters should return to flipping coins, their current professional tools might be politically correct, but they aren't useful most of the time.  Clown world mis and dis information passing as forecasting.  And it's getting worse.  The worse it gets the more their cult believes them.

No.  If I hear hail start, or even extreme winds, I'll consider sorting backing it slowly, with flashlights and else to guide.  Not bothering otherwise.  She, as well, just wants to talk.  Would be good to get her some local lady friends, to call or even visit.  I'm not that sort.

Not going down may be the best move.  Oh, I know.  She gets lonely.  But, look.  I own a cat, used to have two.  And both of them got lonely for me.  I don't have the need or ability for constant companionship.  How many cat owners have their cats jones, pine, for them?  Without going feral?  Meh.

Would like to set her up, in time, at a senior center.  For her good, and to get me out swimming.  Drop her twice a week, for four to six hours.  Then go swimming and do my shopping or other business.

Women need and want more, if they also don't like other women... or men.  But they need associations.  When she can't go, she might have a few other grand dames to call.  The world isn't perfect, but you can get by with a little effort, luck, and friends.  As I told her too, luck isn't what it seems, favoring the prepared, patient, flexible, and such over the mere needy or simple wanting.

She cooked something.  Could smell it in my sleep.  But sleep has vast priority.  I wish she hadn't called, even if I was up to mere resting.  I need to be left alone for... days, or weeks.  I'll help, if she learns to leave me alone.  Or I'll go to a place where I can sleep and turn off my phone unless calling to check on her.  Bah!  Choices, consequences.

A few crossed words.

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She called me at ten.  Took a bit, but I got up for coffee and some talk.  A few tasks.  Not light, but not too heavy, complicated, or otherwise taxing.  So I did them without a word.  Then back to bed.  A half hour down, as I was getting back to sleep, she woke me for a few putz items.

Then we had words.  As I said, do not bother me for the next week, or two.  Longer if as medicine is increased it cripples me.  Don't call me for food or work.  I may be down, through the day.  That doesn't mean I am there to do her work.  If I am, can, I will work for an hour with her.  Plus, she can make lists of projects I might solo.  Working when, as, I can.

Either that or I get a room somewhere, check on her by phone daily, visit every other or third day, until I am rested.  Choices, simple clear concise ones.  One of the things I am known for.  She heard, chose.  But did she agree or just say yes, for a moment?

If I have to work for her to work, at this point, her work isn't a benefit.  It also means she is out of her league and needs to back down.  I have been as patient as possible.  Will see.

My torso is becoming concrete.  Not in the good way.  My muscles burn, and my body overheats, from the least of efforts.  I have two types of headaches constantly.  The bones in my hands, sholders, and legs, plus connective tissues in various places have been used beyond the ability to resolve their issues... for a while.  And my body is screaming for sleep like a man in the desert dying for water... right on the edge.

Even so, I can't just sleep as the man dying of thirst can't just drink.  Coming off that edge is a process.  Don't keep waking me.  I won't end up in a hospital.  They'll end up burying me.  Hoping I can find my way back from that edge.

A talk to be sure.  Later, or good night.

Not so bad.

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Kefir was the real task.  But... I like working with kefir.  Probiotic taffy, rolls, cuts, grains... like curds, and whey.  The pleasant odors, using milk but making it edible for a diabetic, plus turning my innards into powerhouses, even as ill as I am.  Culinary poetry.  Edible haiku.  Tasty music.

Medicine was so fast and easy, the only effort was going downstairs and back up.  Had to do that for the Doom goo anyway, so it didn't cost.  Though while doing it, I got caught up on the water.

A sun tea tomorrow, then probaably a daily jug, should keep her, maybe us, in tea.  And acrun or two of ice to keep that up.  She doesn't know how to do these things.  Not sure she will choose to learn.  No worries.  Forgot to pull coffee beans from the freezer.  Will go do that.  Have to figure out how much coffee we use.  And tea.  Can live on the larder for a bit, but it has to be replaced.  She will, then, ask for the cheap stuff.  Of course, I will suggest.  Once the larder has been replenished.  The devil gets his dues.  Ask me how I know.  And, not that Devil, who isn't a devil at all either.  Ask me how I know that 

Anyway... coffee out, a bit of music, and more sleep.  Though, tomorrow, mother and I are going to talk.  If she continues to demand my dwindling reserves of energy, I will have to rent a place for days to weeks, showing up once a week to get her shopping, spending money I don't want to spend or easily have.  Or, she can leave me almost comletely alone for acweek or two.  

I'll be down to help for an hour, on a timer, twice a day.  Not always when she will be awake.  So... make lists, slow it down, and if she can't solo it, leave it to when I am both down, willing, and she is awake.  I can't continue this way.  I do have options.  Not terribly favored, for a dozen reasons.  But... options.  I always have options.  She has choices.

Good night.

I rested.

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Couldn't sleep.  Still can't.  Got up in time to see mom off to bed... get her tea in, a few other such, check the water (it was off, if I am sure I hadn't turned it off), and a few minor requests.  Then I set up her and my coffee for the morning.  Hers goes on a timer, on a drip system.  I just add some to my french press for me.  I also filled a few jugs, then the carafe, and reservoir.  Ice tomorrow, but didn't want to set that going tonight.

I had a spot of fatted coffee.  Sometimes going up helps me come down.  Ugh... forgot medicine.  Just one 3.125 mg tab of carvedilol in my minor soft start back on it, but... yeah... I need the warm up.  As well, I need to reset kefir.  Ugh!  I hate having to go back down.  Down I must go.

Mother is low on bras.  Not really my problem.  Still... I ferreted her size and preferences as if I was asking about the weather.  I've ordered several in her stated size.  Take one or all.  But if she finds one she really likes, we'll get her more over time.  Just enough and a few extra.  I hate living on the edge, having to wash every three days or so... or wear previously worn clothing, especially privates.  Nothing racy, though a few might be considered nicer?  Dunno.

As I have said, with the well aged, a portion of consideration must be toward sanctity, saintliness.  As to a degree with children.  Not saints, or yet, but age makes one... different, special.  If the world often doesn't see it.  So some of her known and strange needs will be managed... politely.  This one kept coming up, so... okay.  Though a few others, from disposable gloves to electrical expansions for her room.  Still in setup mode, but will be nearly set up by next month.  Though then a couch or loveseat for her and company, and a recliner for me, are on the list.  Probably a few more items as well, in time.

But, will have to slow on spending.  For a month or two.  We have been hitting it like bandits or lotto winners, if I think we are... just this side of too far.  Ugh.  Just...

A bit more, tomorrow, she says.  But I will sleep the rest of the day.  And maybe theough the night.  I will ask her to not wake me for meals or else.  Only if she falls.  At which time she will need a time out.  A two hour penalty box sit for roughhousing.

I won't get to her bedside, or else, tomorrow for what she is asking.  Choices, limits.  I really can't do much, or more do much for long.  I can do almost anything for an half hour to hour.  Then I am done, so worn as I am.

Well, best get meds and kefir going.  Good night.

Not happy.

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I was well into my sleep, needing more, when she called up.  Wanted to go to town.  Not thinking straight, I said I would.  As I was getting ready, I was sure we discussed this.  No more running.  Besides, isn't she broke?  Complaining about money?

I let it slide this time, but we had the first of, probably, several talks.  Going to town costs in gas and energy.  She will need to have a list, and be ready to shop, on her and my medical appointment days.  If she pushes, it will be $15, cash up front, a pop.  If she balks at that, I'll add $10 an hour on top.  I'm either an excellent or terrible negotiator, depending on which persective.  I put a price, then go up from there.  Never down.

I'll be reminding her.  She needs vaping stuff.  I won't run for that.  Her bad habit, her efforts.  She best have her list by my next appointment, and go with to get it.  I'll buy groceries I will eat, but not things I can't eat.  I will split the list, even go for more.  But I won't go as a shopping companion.  I wouldn't even do that for my lover types.  Though with her, it's more can't than won't.

Gloves, potting soil, herbacide, and annuals... flowers.  I warned her those were expensive.  Since she has been in the nursing home, prices have doubled, tripled, or more.  While I often still moderately support Trump, prices aren't coming down.  The rise of prices may have slowed?  But even that hasn't stopped.  She... disregarded my warning, but learned.  Annuals are $20 a pot.  Which is why, part of why, I don't bother.  But anything that is just for a summer, or not edible, isn't getting my money.  As I remember, more, many don't survive the transplant.

She was going to spring for dinner.  But I paid.  Happy or not, some of what she needed was for ongoing efforts.  Wasn't going to make her pay for all and everything, and or cook tonight too.  Wendy's, if the most unaffordable fast food.  But, there it was.

She was tinkering.  I came up to rest, blog, and go back to sleep shortly.  Later, or good night.

Oh, but on the good side?

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I've been noticing something remarkable.  With work, better food, fresh air, and more freedom, mother is looking younger.  She has dropped ten years off her appearance from when I first saw her at the nursing home.  Seriously.

As well, she is beginning to lose weight, as well as gain muscle while losing fat.  Not at a sprint, but that it is noticeable at the two week mark, perhaps faster than thought.

A year here, and they won't recognize her.  Then again, I'm not sure they would already doubt a picture, certainly being with her friends and some family.  She is really doing better.  It still catches me out, when I forget, and we are talking over morning coffee or a meal.

I honestly... didn't think she would... help?  She is far more able, albeit with a good bit of help here and there, than I am.  But I really am on death's door, and have been for decades.  Still, at her age, I really didn't think she could do much.  As it turns out, the limit is more my capacity to set her up to work that is the limiting factor.  Oh well.

Now for some sleep.  Or very shortly.  Later.

Almost had an incident.

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.

Ordering from amazon, through me, is easy.  But the price adds up, and has to be paid.  She hasn't been being charged for gas, any insurance, and we have been eating out of the freezer as much as the grocery store as not.  So she... has had it easy.

Running will be slowing.  Food will have to be replaced, and else.  She... keeps double thoughts of how much she has, and some other things.  My money is not hers, and half of it isn't mine by the time I get it from bills.

First she wanted to send something back that may be needed.  No.  It will be tried.  If it doesn't work?  Okay.  She needs help, at times, and this could help.  But no ordering and returning on a whim.  Not on my account.

Then we added her bill.  For what she wants this month.  She was upset, said she couldn't pay rent?  I just said I wouldn't order her goods, then she could afford tent.  Attitude adjusted pretty much immediately.  Her rent will cover her portion of utilities (not including the extra it will cost with her here).  And a portion of domestic help when we get to that point.  So, really, she won't really be renting.

Oh no.  If she can't afford "rent" there will be problems.  It will be fixed one way or the other.  How soon she forgets.  Just last month all she had per month was fifty.  This month she'll have at least $800 after bills and a... reasonable spending spree.  She pouted that she wouldn't help with groceries.  But that's not going to fly either.  I expect two hundred from her, even if that won't cover half.

Yes, life is expensive.  Still, $500 free cash, after a reasonable first of the month splurge, food, and housing, isn't bad.  No pulling bullshit about what you will and won't pay, or bad business practices through my accounts.  I won't have it.

I did get some of what she wanted done.  A decent little grouping.  But had to stop.  Blogging as I prepare to sleep and rest as I can do whichever.  Little to no work else today, probably.

No.  It's all good.  I just have to... clarify a few if's, and's, but's, and consequences.  I can't, won't, carry the whole load.  Besides, I am buying some things (she needs) aside from what she is getting.  And, if she overspends a bit, I may help her (if not enough, or in a way, that she would prefer).

She will have to learn to live within her means.  Like the rest of us.  It's been a brutal lesson for me.

Later.

Ugh.

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She just won't listen.  I need rest, sleep, and work done up here.  She keeps bothering me.  I have told her to make a list.  I will do portions of it in one or two portions a day.  I can't work with her, at her pace.  You are walking in a desert.  You notice a tortoise has ended up on it's back.  It's belly baking in the hot sun.  You aren't helping.  Why not?

She has hollered up three times after the post and helping a portion or two already.  Can't sort the weed whip line?  Put the task on the list and do something else or rest.  I still think she is doing too much, too fast.

I have too many clothes clean and up here for me to manage.  She keeps finding more.  I did get the clothes racks set up right, and the covers.  But I have a lot of clothes to simply figure out where to put, boxes of new clothes... and old apart from wash to sort, boxes of household items to go through, a table to clear and break down, another to sort, a cot full of paperwork and else to toss, the caret to clear and clean, and... such.  More, much more besides.

Like, my windows to clean, my closet to sort, and else.  Steam vacuuming up here, too.  Though that may wait until cooler fall weather.  

Much of this, save the steam vacuuming, however, I want done by next Friday, or the Friday after if she keeps bugging me so as I can't rest... sleep, work.  Will see.  And I hurt for sleep.  Need it, and simple rest, desperately.

Later, or good night.