.
.
My friend called. His new leg will be in tomorrow. He has gained weight and the original one no longer fits. A good thing though, as he had dropped to 130 pounds at roughly 6'. Even with his leg and foot removed, that was far too thin. Further, his leg has finally healed, a definite worry as that was probably the same type of infection that took his leg and half of his foot before that. So they recast his leg last week now that his leg is healed and he can begin learning to walk again, and the finished product is in. So no dinner tonight for my reasons and no dinner tomorrow for his reasons. Wednesday will be the dinner night. It worked out well too, tomorrow will evening is the first Knights of Columbus meeting, in the early evening. I had forgotten about it, so when I figured everything out and the group email arrived I simply smiled. Sometimes it all just works out.
However, my money problems are really becoming serious. I should have several (three and change) hundred left over in my local account and even more in my out-of-state account. For whatever reason I am seriously out of money. I keep having my accounts become blocked when I try to access them online, for no good reason that I can tell. Yes, it does make me suspicious. I have changed nothing in the last several months so nothing should be different. I know one of my utility accounts has been overpaid, by now well over $500. It might not be the only one. There for a while I had been having difficulties with auto-pay through my bank, so I lifted my minimums to cover, catch up, and then some, perhaps too much. But that still doesn't account for the local account being so low. I did spend about $100 this month from that account, but that shouldn't be a problem. Now I am in trouble with the local water board because of a bounced check. Further, and before that, I am being told that I don't have enough to pay one of my normal bills. Huh? I will have to dig into this, it is totally wrong somewhere. Embarrassing too. No, I'll fix it.
Perhaps even before Mass I will start making calls to the utilities. I must make a great effort to get up and then become awake enough to do this work. I am going to have to ask for the excess back, then find out what my payments should be, then reset those. Then, when I figure out what I need to pay, I will have to call my bank and reset my internet access, then set those payments up correctly. I also need to see where that money is going. There is no way I should only have a few hundred per month to live on. Something is really off.
I am going to finish the laundry this evening and do the dishes from today. Tomorrow, after doing business and going to Mass, if there is time, I will get to vacuuming and sweeping. And my friend wants me to buy a gallon of milk for him after Mass. Wednesday, since I should have nothing in the day, I will clean the bathrooms. Not top-notch work, but it suffices for a bachelor. My friend thinks my cleaning is good, so there.
Oh, I best figure out how to get someone to take some pictures. What is, so I have heard, holding up interest in me on the Catholic dating site is the want of pictures. They want to make sure I am... human. Or something. So be it, but who could I get to take pictures? Perhaps I could have some of the Knights take some photos. And maybe the woman who cuts my hair. With four or five from each, perhaps I can find a few to put up. And, yeah, there are some women who are otherwise interested.
Every time I think I have things going just right something else comes up. Oh, I'll figure it out. For now, tonight, I must just stew about it. That might put some umph in my work tomorrow. I'll get on it, right on it. Good night.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Knock knock.
.
.
Who is there? Oh, right, the missionaries! In spite of my thinking, they arrived to go to Mass with me today. I had forgotten about that. After having worked all night to get those last bits in order, and in spite of hoping to make it to Mass, I must have, finally, at some point, turned off the alarm. At 11:20, right through some dream, I started hearing the doorbell and knocking.
Up as fast as I could, wearing pajamas still, I let them in. I knew, after I woke enough to get up, what it was about. I had them wait in my living room while I ripped through brushing my teeth, showering, then dressing. I haven't moved that fast in... a very long time. We just made it to Mass. From waking through all the process to be ready took all of ten minutes, max. *zoom* All good.
Afterward I had promised a meal. But my finances being in disarray I asked if they minded if I simply fixed a meal. That was fine with them. So I made them what I made myself the other day, beef with gravy, heated hard rolls, and whatever they wanted to drink from what I had. I even asked if they minded if I spiced it just a touch. That was fine too. And, again, the meal satisfied. My bet is that they will be full for a bit.
During the drive back and the meal prep we discussed various things. Some questions about the Church, some things I knew some things I don't know or have forgotten. I really need to find my catechism. While not complete, it offers specific points more in depth than what I can usually recall off-hand. There are some other resources I have been meaning to get as well, for them but for me as well.
Oh, and I came clean with them. They want me to read the book of Mormon. But along with my issues including not knowing the source and being a bit skiddish that way, the other thing is I have a dozen other religious and another dozen political and economic books on my list. I have a difficult time settling down or gearing up to read. Chesterton, Aquinas, and a dozen other Catholic writers are pulling me to read them, I just... It is slow going. Once I get to those, and after several books on general Christian then Catholic specific apologetic tomes, I have a number of other books on my list, to include the book of Mormon. I am not sure I have that much life in me, considering how long it takes me to get through what I have. I don't just read a book. I read it with the intent to fully understand. I argue with the book, I try to see what the author sees and understand what he means, even if I disagree with him. Not so much the bible. I try to read that openly, when I read it whole. I then come back with questions in a second reading or in actual study. The thing is I lied and got caught. I hate lying, and getting caught is what should remind me not to lie.
What else today? Not sure. I have been running on pure adrenaline. Perhaps a nap to allow for a regular waking? Yeah, maybe. Good day.
.
Who is there? Oh, right, the missionaries! In spite of my thinking, they arrived to go to Mass with me today. I had forgotten about that. After having worked all night to get those last bits in order, and in spite of hoping to make it to Mass, I must have, finally, at some point, turned off the alarm. At 11:20, right through some dream, I started hearing the doorbell and knocking.
Up as fast as I could, wearing pajamas still, I let them in. I knew, after I woke enough to get up, what it was about. I had them wait in my living room while I ripped through brushing my teeth, showering, then dressing. I haven't moved that fast in... a very long time. We just made it to Mass. From waking through all the process to be ready took all of ten minutes, max. *zoom* All good.
Afterward I had promised a meal. But my finances being in disarray I asked if they minded if I simply fixed a meal. That was fine with them. So I made them what I made myself the other day, beef with gravy, heated hard rolls, and whatever they wanted to drink from what I had. I even asked if they minded if I spiced it just a touch. That was fine too. And, again, the meal satisfied. My bet is that they will be full for a bit.
During the drive back and the meal prep we discussed various things. Some questions about the Church, some things I knew some things I don't know or have forgotten. I really need to find my catechism. While not complete, it offers specific points more in depth than what I can usually recall off-hand. There are some other resources I have been meaning to get as well, for them but for me as well.
Oh, and I came clean with them. They want me to read the book of Mormon. But along with my issues including not knowing the source and being a bit skiddish that way, the other thing is I have a dozen other religious and another dozen political and economic books on my list. I have a difficult time settling down or gearing up to read. Chesterton, Aquinas, and a dozen other Catholic writers are pulling me to read them, I just... It is slow going. Once I get to those, and after several books on general Christian then Catholic specific apologetic tomes, I have a number of other books on my list, to include the book of Mormon. I am not sure I have that much life in me, considering how long it takes me to get through what I have. I don't just read a book. I read it with the intent to fully understand. I argue with the book, I try to see what the author sees and understand what he means, even if I disagree with him. Not so much the bible. I try to read that openly, when I read it whole. I then come back with questions in a second reading or in actual study. The thing is I lied and got caught. I hate lying, and getting caught is what should remind me not to lie.
What else today? Not sure. I have been running on pure adrenaline. Perhaps a nap to allow for a regular waking? Yeah, maybe. Good day.
So close.
.
.
I have two loads left, one is in the washer. I do not believe I will finish the last load. No worries, with all save bleach worthy whites I have done all my other clothes, bedding, and blankets. When that second to the last load is done it will go into the dryer overnight. The dishes are done, counters and stove top washed, and pretty much everything put away. It takes some serious time to do these things. Thankfully it isn't too intense otherwise. There is plenty of room for breaks.
I don't know about you, but I like to put pillow coverlets under the pillow case. It is just one more layer of clean, or... at least it seems like it. It takes a lot more time though. More so with seven pillows of various size. The various sizes came from experimentation and finding the ones of the ten or twelve I have that I like the best. The number comes from the fact that with fewer pillows I might end up having to look for them at night. Sometimes I lose everything save one pillow and a blanket by the time the alarm goes off. No worries about a woman, for whatever reason a woman in bed with me calms me. Mostly.
I do know that getting into a warm, clean, made bed, knowing my dishes are clean and my clothes are clean and put up makes for wonderful sleeping. It is so very late though. Hopefully I can do a few things tomorrow, a bit earlier, and then get to bed earlier. I saw the opportunity to get on these things and took it. The opportunity might vanish with nothing done leaving only regrets. Not this time around!
I didn't get the trash out, or the cat littler changed. Perhaps I will wake early enough to get on that if I have serious doubts. I can only just do so much. Good night.
.
I have two loads left, one is in the washer. I do not believe I will finish the last load. No worries, with all save bleach worthy whites I have done all my other clothes, bedding, and blankets. When that second to the last load is done it will go into the dryer overnight. The dishes are done, counters and stove top washed, and pretty much everything put away. It takes some serious time to do these things. Thankfully it isn't too intense otherwise. There is plenty of room for breaks.
I don't know about you, but I like to put pillow coverlets under the pillow case. It is just one more layer of clean, or... at least it seems like it. It takes a lot more time though. More so with seven pillows of various size. The various sizes came from experimentation and finding the ones of the ten or twelve I have that I like the best. The number comes from the fact that with fewer pillows I might end up having to look for them at night. Sometimes I lose everything save one pillow and a blanket by the time the alarm goes off. No worries about a woman, for whatever reason a woman in bed with me calms me. Mostly.
I do know that getting into a warm, clean, made bed, knowing my dishes are clean and my clothes are clean and put up makes for wonderful sleeping. It is so very late though. Hopefully I can do a few things tomorrow, a bit earlier, and then get to bed earlier. I saw the opportunity to get on these things and took it. The opportunity might vanish with nothing done leaving only regrets. Not this time around!
I didn't get the trash out, or the cat littler changed. Perhaps I will wake early enough to get on that if I have serious doubts. I can only just do so much. Good night.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Oh sure, there are complaints.
.
.
Ignore them, to some degree. I enjoy some aspects of my little life beyond how I could possibly express. Yes, finishing my education and landing that perfect job would be a wonderful thing. The realities, intricacies, and complications in that are daunting, dubious, and potentially disastrous, even should I actually have the health to bear it out. Of course, I would love to have a family. But there are terrible things there. What would I do with a house half filled with children and a fallen queen? Could I handle one more rendering of my mortal coil? Oh, sure, I will keep an eye out, seriously. I will try for these things if I leave off at, if it be His will, not mine but His, truly.
I put a load through the laundry. While doing so my stomach was pulling a Sassy. Indeed, my belly was begging for a treat. While shopping the other day I snagged a number of steaks. I separated and froze all save one. Hmm, hadn't I purchased potatoes too? Why, yes I had. And remaining from my last dinner were hard rolls. Splendid. With the potatoes done, two rolls heating in the still warm oven, and the skillet heated to a right fine searing temperature, several pats of butter go down. As they sizzle into a thin veneer I add the steak. *Szzzz* Four minutes on each side. Done. At 22:30, I eat my prime meal alone, without bother or protestation at the hour.
The laundry should be about ready to be dried. Another load in and dishes set to a hot soak, a bit of a break, then to the dishes. Then another break until laundry is finished. I will continue with the laundry, going on to bedding and blankets, until Monday sees me free and clear.
Still, I dream of having a woman here. It isn't even the sex, or just the sex. It is having someone who knows about what I don't, or who I can teach. Someone to talk to, perhaps begin to walk with. I have always feared women because they are so fragile in so many ways. If I know they can be pretty strong sometimes. I know there are times were I truly will not like her, if I will sell myself to loving her always. She will intrude on my nice little life, though, too. To some extent she will take over my life as we become us. But to have the touch of a woman of grace? Yeah. I would even have to repurpose my beast inside. It could no longer be offensively defensive. It would have to become purely defensive... unless the worst of all cases should happen and my den, save for me, be destroyed. Darkness, and an understanding of what it means to me, is always there.
Never worry. Tonight is a pleasant thing. A reminder of a good little life. While I will always have problems, always be a touch shy of money, always want to do more than I can afford of money or energy to do, I am blessed. God has somehow seen to my life and living in ways I would never have thought possible. I am humbled by how my nation and God have seen fit to see me to a home and a life any honest man would have to be thankful for, one tailored to my needs and abilities. That is more than most men can ever hope to receive. Ignore my grumblings, doubts, and shadowy paranoia as nothing more than the squeaks and creaks as I try to do more, to prove worthy of what I have, and to seek love.
Live well, and always remember to be grateful for what you do have. Perfection is not to be had here. So if you see little glimmers of it, know you are blessed.
.
Ignore them, to some degree. I enjoy some aspects of my little life beyond how I could possibly express. Yes, finishing my education and landing that perfect job would be a wonderful thing. The realities, intricacies, and complications in that are daunting, dubious, and potentially disastrous, even should I actually have the health to bear it out. Of course, I would love to have a family. But there are terrible things there. What would I do with a house half filled with children and a fallen queen? Could I handle one more rendering of my mortal coil? Oh, sure, I will keep an eye out, seriously. I will try for these things if I leave off at, if it be His will, not mine but His, truly.
I put a load through the laundry. While doing so my stomach was pulling a Sassy. Indeed, my belly was begging for a treat. While shopping the other day I snagged a number of steaks. I separated and froze all save one. Hmm, hadn't I purchased potatoes too? Why, yes I had. And remaining from my last dinner were hard rolls. Splendid. With the potatoes done, two rolls heating in the still warm oven, and the skillet heated to a right fine searing temperature, several pats of butter go down. As they sizzle into a thin veneer I add the steak. *Szzzz* Four minutes on each side. Done. At 22:30, I eat my prime meal alone, without bother or protestation at the hour.
The laundry should be about ready to be dried. Another load in and dishes set to a hot soak, a bit of a break, then to the dishes. Then another break until laundry is finished. I will continue with the laundry, going on to bedding and blankets, until Monday sees me free and clear.
Still, I dream of having a woman here. It isn't even the sex, or just the sex. It is having someone who knows about what I don't, or who I can teach. Someone to talk to, perhaps begin to walk with. I have always feared women because they are so fragile in so many ways. If I know they can be pretty strong sometimes. I know there are times were I truly will not like her, if I will sell myself to loving her always. She will intrude on my nice little life, though, too. To some extent she will take over my life as we become us. But to have the touch of a woman of grace? Yeah. I would even have to repurpose my beast inside. It could no longer be offensively defensive. It would have to become purely defensive... unless the worst of all cases should happen and my den, save for me, be destroyed. Darkness, and an understanding of what it means to me, is always there.
Never worry. Tonight is a pleasant thing. A reminder of a good little life. While I will always have problems, always be a touch shy of money, always want to do more than I can afford of money or energy to do, I am blessed. God has somehow seen to my life and living in ways I would never have thought possible. I am humbled by how my nation and God have seen fit to see me to a home and a life any honest man would have to be thankful for, one tailored to my needs and abilities. That is more than most men can ever hope to receive. Ignore my grumblings, doubts, and shadowy paranoia as nothing more than the squeaks and creaks as I try to do more, to prove worthy of what I have, and to seek love.
Live well, and always remember to be grateful for what you do have. Perfection is not to be had here. So if you see little glimmers of it, know you are blessed.
Skidding to consciousness, sideways.
.
.
Considering I didn't crash until nearly 5:00 and couldn't get to sleep quickly I am not about to complain. I think I actually woke around 10:30. At a quarter after 16:00 I am just becoming aware. I'm not actually sure what I did in those intervening hours. Nothing useful but at least I wasn't in bed. I think?
I still have the last of the dishes to wash and the last few loads of laundry. I had hoped that if I missed early Mass I would make late Mass but that simply isn't possible. It will be an hour or two before I can get to the work at hand. I won't be leaving home today.
No dreams, again, last night. I rolled a bit at least. That helps to not wake to bodily crankiness. Do dreams bring back memories for anyone else? If it weren't for dreams I sometimes wonder if my past would be a blank slate to me. Not that all dreams are considered memories, but while thinking about my dreams I often hit something that takes me to my memories, once I am awake. Faces, places, actions, women. Remember polyester? I truly despised the clothing of the 70's. That is when my mother dressed me. And while mothers are the best with children, since they have fashion sense they shouldn't even be allowed to dress dogs. Fashion is a crime. That's all I am saying. And color schemes, where do women get these? Stick with solid, non-pastel, and somewhat darker, colors. At least for me. Stripes, other than pinstripes on impeccable suits? Dots of any kind? Ugh. A woman might need to push to get me to choose but I will never leave my clothes to a woman's 'fashion sense' again.
I am not sure, however, if I would rather not remember. Over the years of confession, and more recently with better function and the ability to deal with the dreams and the past a bit more, I have been collecting more for confession. My guess is there will be nuggets from the past forever. Then again, that first confession did take care of all of my past to that point. I did it as honestly and openly as I could at the time. I will have to do some research to see if I should let those go as confessed and forgiven or if they should be brought forward. I know, it seems like one should bring those up, but if they actually have been forgiven it may be a sin through doubt to bring them up now. It isn't just my past sins, but what I saw that bothers me the most. The tics of the past, I suppose.
Tomorrow? If I can finish what is on my list for today, tomorrow is a clean slate. Mass, talking to tech help to get the wifi functioning for my phone, digging into my recent credit rejection letter, but I think I will skip dinner over to Tuesday. I may see if my friend wants to do some shopping though. He is beginning to drink milk like I do, though dosed to his size. I need to do some cleaning tomorrow. Vacuuming, sweeping, mopping. It will go well with having the dishes clean and bed refitted with clean everything.
Hmm, better get the trash and cat litter out today too. Tuesday perhaps I can get the bathrooms cleaned again, maybe not until Wednesday though. A week and a half off, but back to it. Don't mind me, my mind is rolling around as it wakes up.
Later.
.
Considering I didn't crash until nearly 5:00 and couldn't get to sleep quickly I am not about to complain. I think I actually woke around 10:30. At a quarter after 16:00 I am just becoming aware. I'm not actually sure what I did in those intervening hours. Nothing useful but at least I wasn't in bed. I think?
I still have the last of the dishes to wash and the last few loads of laundry. I had hoped that if I missed early Mass I would make late Mass but that simply isn't possible. It will be an hour or two before I can get to the work at hand. I won't be leaving home today.
No dreams, again, last night. I rolled a bit at least. That helps to not wake to bodily crankiness. Do dreams bring back memories for anyone else? If it weren't for dreams I sometimes wonder if my past would be a blank slate to me. Not that all dreams are considered memories, but while thinking about my dreams I often hit something that takes me to my memories, once I am awake. Faces, places, actions, women. Remember polyester? I truly despised the clothing of the 70's. That is when my mother dressed me. And while mothers are the best with children, since they have fashion sense they shouldn't even be allowed to dress dogs. Fashion is a crime. That's all I am saying. And color schemes, where do women get these? Stick with solid, non-pastel, and somewhat darker, colors. At least for me. Stripes, other than pinstripes on impeccable suits? Dots of any kind? Ugh. A woman might need to push to get me to choose but I will never leave my clothes to a woman's 'fashion sense' again.
I am not sure, however, if I would rather not remember. Over the years of confession, and more recently with better function and the ability to deal with the dreams and the past a bit more, I have been collecting more for confession. My guess is there will be nuggets from the past forever. Then again, that first confession did take care of all of my past to that point. I did it as honestly and openly as I could at the time. I will have to do some research to see if I should let those go as confessed and forgiven or if they should be brought forward. I know, it seems like one should bring those up, but if they actually have been forgiven it may be a sin through doubt to bring them up now. It isn't just my past sins, but what I saw that bothers me the most. The tics of the past, I suppose.
Tomorrow? If I can finish what is on my list for today, tomorrow is a clean slate. Mass, talking to tech help to get the wifi functioning for my phone, digging into my recent credit rejection letter, but I think I will skip dinner over to Tuesday. I may see if my friend wants to do some shopping though. He is beginning to drink milk like I do, though dosed to his size. I need to do some cleaning tomorrow. Vacuuming, sweeping, mopping. It will go well with having the dishes clean and bed refitted with clean everything.
Hmm, better get the trash and cat litter out today too. Tuesday perhaps I can get the bathrooms cleaned again, maybe not until Wednesday though. A week and a half off, but back to it. Don't mind me, my mind is rolling around as it wakes up.
Later.
Grumbles...
.
.
I would be in bed by now but I tried to do something with my washer and it didn't work. However I may have found out why I couldn't get pure cold water. The cold water was shut off. I don't think my mother would have messed with it. Why I didn't check that before now is another thing altogether. Perhaps I just assumed I had checked it but had not. I will see if that is working now. All dishes, save the final cleaning of the roaster and dishes from mid-rats have been done.
A bit of hamburger fried, into which went left over gravy and a cup of whole whipping cream. Oh, and a sprinkle (probably a quarter of a teaspoon) of the 100K cayenne my lady friend finally sent. I almost thought about adding more cayenne then decided against it. From what I remembered, I thought perhaps I should ease back into that. A good call. I could definitely taste it. At times it seemed too hot yet at other times it seemed a bit mild. I am sure I mixed it in well, so I suspect I will need to learn to ride that horse at a slow go until I can gallop with it again. I absolutely loved having some flavor, heat more precisely, I could taste.
It looks like I won't be sleeping tonight. Fine, at least I am getting some things done. I need a bit to recuperate from the meal. Along with oven heated hard rolls and the meat gravy, the meal was designed to stick to the ribs. That is precisely what it is doing too. Ugh. But worth every inch of suffering I am enduring from over eating just a tad. Since I can't sleep though, I may try to get the blankets done. I am not sure I can make it to Mass, the early one. I can't be sure. I might not be able to make even one more load. My late night meal seems to have knocked the wind out of my sails. All good, I suppose. I will have four loads of laundry done, dishes finished (mostly), and... Actually, that is about it. But it is enough. A breakthrough from my recent crash.
I know it will be bumpy until I can either get back in the saddle or have to rest until another chance comes my way again. I honestly do what I can, even pushing that line, when I can. Others may, doubtful but may, have sympathy for the gimp. As for me? The gimp has shit to do. I don't have time for sympathy. Uhrm, or something like that. If it makes me a hardass, so be it.
Yeah, sleep. I ate too much. It wasn't even that it was all that much, more what it was. Good night.
.
I would be in bed by now but I tried to do something with my washer and it didn't work. However I may have found out why I couldn't get pure cold water. The cold water was shut off. I don't think my mother would have messed with it. Why I didn't check that before now is another thing altogether. Perhaps I just assumed I had checked it but had not. I will see if that is working now. All dishes, save the final cleaning of the roaster and dishes from mid-rats have been done.
A bit of hamburger fried, into which went left over gravy and a cup of whole whipping cream. Oh, and a sprinkle (probably a quarter of a teaspoon) of the 100K cayenne my lady friend finally sent. I almost thought about adding more cayenne then decided against it. From what I remembered, I thought perhaps I should ease back into that. A good call. I could definitely taste it. At times it seemed too hot yet at other times it seemed a bit mild. I am sure I mixed it in well, so I suspect I will need to learn to ride that horse at a slow go until I can gallop with it again. I absolutely loved having some flavor, heat more precisely, I could taste.
It looks like I won't be sleeping tonight. Fine, at least I am getting some things done. I need a bit to recuperate from the meal. Along with oven heated hard rolls and the meat gravy, the meal was designed to stick to the ribs. That is precisely what it is doing too. Ugh. But worth every inch of suffering I am enduring from over eating just a tad. Since I can't sleep though, I may try to get the blankets done. I am not sure I can make it to Mass, the early one. I can't be sure. I might not be able to make even one more load. My late night meal seems to have knocked the wind out of my sails. All good, I suppose. I will have four loads of laundry done, dishes finished (mostly), and... Actually, that is about it. But it is enough. A breakthrough from my recent crash.
I know it will be bumpy until I can either get back in the saddle or have to rest until another chance comes my way again. I honestly do what I can, even pushing that line, when I can. Others may, doubtful but may, have sympathy for the gimp. As for me? The gimp has shit to do. I don't have time for sympathy. Uhrm, or something like that. If it makes me a hardass, so be it.
Yeah, sleep. I ate too much. It wasn't even that it was all that much, more what it was. Good night.
I found my pace.
.
.
A load of laundry in, then when a load dries a reloading of the washer and drier, plus folding. A twenty to thirty minute rest time next. Then a load of dishes, after which I soak the next load of dishes. Another rest time until the drier does it's work. Rinse and repeat. I am half way through my clothes and towels. Whatever I don't finish tonight and blankets are slated for tomorrow. I have a clean set of sheets ready for my bed but I won't put them on until I have washed the cat smell from the blankets. I have my Sunday clothes ready, should I need to jump out of bed and have to move quickly. No promises about Mass, just an intention to make it to early Mass on time and ready.
I best take a chuck roast out to thaw tonight. That will be for dinner Monday, maybe Tuesday. My friend is invited. I wish he would ask a friend over as well. I still have hope that he might find a woman to at least share some time with. Women can be problematic, but perhaps he could find one who just likes to talk but not too much. I really think a woman's touch in his life would be good. Barring that it would be good for him to find a fishing pal or just someone from back when to talk to, play cards with, or just have a smoke and chit-chat with on occasion. It would be nice to have more company from time to time. While my meals are nothing to write home about they are decent home-cooked meals. Just that puts them well above most prepackaged or frozen-to-cooked restaurant meals.
Some days, for no reason, I get the sense that I am a distinctly disliked man. Is it because of what I have been, what I have done, what I have or am failing to do? Is it because I live such a "plush" life? What? I could be wrong. My bat senses could be off. My spider senses might be misguiding me. Or, if history holds, not. I am certainly scrutinized, and don't think it is just here, or there. Paranoid? Not really. Some days it just feels like I have angered or dissatisfied all those around me. I have no doubts that this mask I wear is too thin to really conceal who I truly am. Perhaps that is it. Whatever. Es macht mir egal. I can't stress that last enough.
My rest time is up, another load of dishes is ready to be cleaned. After this load I will merely have a large pot and the roaster, the latter has been soaking since I used it. I am not sure if I will sleep tonight or not. My guess is you will. So, good night. Even if you really hate me.
.
A load of laundry in, then when a load dries a reloading of the washer and drier, plus folding. A twenty to thirty minute rest time next. Then a load of dishes, after which I soak the next load of dishes. Another rest time until the drier does it's work. Rinse and repeat. I am half way through my clothes and towels. Whatever I don't finish tonight and blankets are slated for tomorrow. I have a clean set of sheets ready for my bed but I won't put them on until I have washed the cat smell from the blankets. I have my Sunday clothes ready, should I need to jump out of bed and have to move quickly. No promises about Mass, just an intention to make it to early Mass on time and ready.
I best take a chuck roast out to thaw tonight. That will be for dinner Monday, maybe Tuesday. My friend is invited. I wish he would ask a friend over as well. I still have hope that he might find a woman to at least share some time with. Women can be problematic, but perhaps he could find one who just likes to talk but not too much. I really think a woman's touch in his life would be good. Barring that it would be good for him to find a fishing pal or just someone from back when to talk to, play cards with, or just have a smoke and chit-chat with on occasion. It would be nice to have more company from time to time. While my meals are nothing to write home about they are decent home-cooked meals. Just that puts them well above most prepackaged or frozen-to-cooked restaurant meals.
Some days, for no reason, I get the sense that I am a distinctly disliked man. Is it because of what I have been, what I have done, what I have or am failing to do? Is it because I live such a "plush" life? What? I could be wrong. My bat senses could be off. My spider senses might be misguiding me. Or, if history holds, not. I am certainly scrutinized, and don't think it is just here, or there. Paranoid? Not really. Some days it just feels like I have angered or dissatisfied all those around me. I have no doubts that this mask I wear is too thin to really conceal who I truly am. Perhaps that is it. Whatever. Es macht mir egal. I can't stress that last enough.
My rest time is up, another load of dishes is ready to be cleaned. After this load I will merely have a large pot and the roaster, the latter has been soaking since I used it. I am not sure if I will sleep tonight or not. My guess is you will. So, good night. Even if you really hate me.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
So far so good.
.
.
I made it to Church. Just barely. But that is good enough while I am struggling. At this point, now that I am becoming known and familiarizing myself with the Church, if I am just a little late I will go on in. Just a few to ten minutes, mind you. I had supper out tonight, as promised. Just a drive through. I seem to be near broke again. I can't be sure why so, when I can get my head on straight and get my local bank access to the internet corrected, I need to look over some things. It seems I need to check my records too.
When I applied for a bit more money on my balance for the washing machine I was rejected. I received a letter indicating that I am owing money somewhere, to the point of being put on legal notice. The problem is, in spite of my difficulty with money, there is nothing that is terribly overdue. Actually, I think I have been overpaying some number of my utilities to the point of being broke. I had fallen behind on cable, due in part to the high cost from them not bundling me as they said would happen and having that on auto pay at a lower level (and somehow having them discontinue my auto pay one month leading to a very high bill at one time). I will look into it. Either that or there is something bad happening that I need to get a handle on, something bogus.
After letting my dinner settle, dishes and laundry are on my list for tonight. It should be easier without television. That dumb thing soaked up way too much of my time and thought. If you read at all, then watch television, you will see just how empty television is. Of course, that might be the good part of television, it soaks up useless time. The bad thing is it can become addictive. I haven't yet broken the addiction. That will require figuring out what to use to fill that otherwise dead time. Now there is prayer, which requires some input but not a great deal of physical effort. There are even written prayers one could memorize. Though there are times where even that would be a bit much. When I fall, sometimes I fall very hard. I am hoping, after a little bit of adjustment, I will find other things to fill those empty times. Something engaging enough to keep me awake, but small enough that it doesn't drain my drained batteries even more.
The missionaries asked what I did with all my free time. The honest truth is I have far less free time than one would suppose. If I can fill my day with three hours of work I am doing extremely well. Even those must be broken up into blocks. An hour or two for dishes and laundry, needing breaks between various loads and changing of dish water as needed, a few minutes or hours of cleaning this room or that, going to Mass is somewhat passive but does take time. Little bits, here and there, pretty much use me up. The rest of the time I am... resting. If I try to push it I still pay. While I try and do more, to break out, to extend, the truth is that is pretty much all I can do. Just keeping up with the house and making Mass several times a week is, well, that's it. I don't have free time. Or, cleaning IS my free time. Never mind.
Oh, I lied to the missionaries about something. I had used Father as the reason. Never mind, just that I spoke with Father tonight about it. He just suggested that I had best come clean regarding the issue. Oh, like I didn't see that coming either. *grins* *laughs* It is, in some ways, no different than using your parents as a reason to not go out for sports and then having your coach suggest he will speak with your parents about the issue. And, well, your parents knew nothing about the whole thing. Buck up! I was trying to be 'diplomatic' in a refusal for a request. So be it, I'll let them know the next time I see them. Never mind I will do it myself.
Well, a bit of digesting and then on to work. Good night.
.
I made it to Church. Just barely. But that is good enough while I am struggling. At this point, now that I am becoming known and familiarizing myself with the Church, if I am just a little late I will go on in. Just a few to ten minutes, mind you. I had supper out tonight, as promised. Just a drive through. I seem to be near broke again. I can't be sure why so, when I can get my head on straight and get my local bank access to the internet corrected, I need to look over some things. It seems I need to check my records too.
When I applied for a bit more money on my balance for the washing machine I was rejected. I received a letter indicating that I am owing money somewhere, to the point of being put on legal notice. The problem is, in spite of my difficulty with money, there is nothing that is terribly overdue. Actually, I think I have been overpaying some number of my utilities to the point of being broke. I had fallen behind on cable, due in part to the high cost from them not bundling me as they said would happen and having that on auto pay at a lower level (and somehow having them discontinue my auto pay one month leading to a very high bill at one time). I will look into it. Either that or there is something bad happening that I need to get a handle on, something bogus.
After letting my dinner settle, dishes and laundry are on my list for tonight. It should be easier without television. That dumb thing soaked up way too much of my time and thought. If you read at all, then watch television, you will see just how empty television is. Of course, that might be the good part of television, it soaks up useless time. The bad thing is it can become addictive. I haven't yet broken the addiction. That will require figuring out what to use to fill that otherwise dead time. Now there is prayer, which requires some input but not a great deal of physical effort. There are even written prayers one could memorize. Though there are times where even that would be a bit much. When I fall, sometimes I fall very hard. I am hoping, after a little bit of adjustment, I will find other things to fill those empty times. Something engaging enough to keep me awake, but small enough that it doesn't drain my drained batteries even more.
The missionaries asked what I did with all my free time. The honest truth is I have far less free time than one would suppose. If I can fill my day with three hours of work I am doing extremely well. Even those must be broken up into blocks. An hour or two for dishes and laundry, needing breaks between various loads and changing of dish water as needed, a few minutes or hours of cleaning this room or that, going to Mass is somewhat passive but does take time. Little bits, here and there, pretty much use me up. The rest of the time I am... resting. If I try to push it I still pay. While I try and do more, to break out, to extend, the truth is that is pretty much all I can do. Just keeping up with the house and making Mass several times a week is, well, that's it. I don't have free time. Or, cleaning IS my free time. Never mind.
Oh, I lied to the missionaries about something. I had used Father as the reason. Never mind, just that I spoke with Father tonight about it. He just suggested that I had best come clean regarding the issue. Oh, like I didn't see that coming either. *grins* *laughs* It is, in some ways, no different than using your parents as a reason to not go out for sports and then having your coach suggest he will speak with your parents about the issue. And, well, your parents knew nothing about the whole thing. Buck up! I was trying to be 'diplomatic' in a refusal for a request. So be it, I'll let them know the next time I see them. Never mind I will do it myself.
Well, a bit of digesting and then on to work. Good night.
Embarrassing.
.
.
Oh, I know. You have to be old or have health problems, right? After I got home, and was changing, I realized I smelled a little 'rough'. I had showered before taking my friend shopping, and that was just a few hours before dinner. Now, I did sit for some time after dinner before going to bed, so perhaps the odor developed after dinner. And I was wearing some of those funky new under wear, those techy material ones (which seem to foster odor much more quickly than cotton). But I was mortified. You know that smell as you pass an old person who doesn't or can't do peri-care, parineal care, well? Yeah. Fresh pants too, I check my clothes often for this reason. While I shower often, and more often for this reason, it can happen quickly, seemingly without provocation such as gas or a bm. I think, because I have blood pressure that is so high that medical people have said they have never seen blood pressure that high with someone who isn't having a stroke or heart attack and even on meds it's rather high, that some parts of my body have worn. I still laugh when they see it that high, look into my eyes, then listen to my passive (if sometimes quick) heartbeat to make sure I am not just... seemingly well. Nope, not a dead fish, they might as well sigh out.
So, I called the man who invited me to dinner. I begged apology and suggested I had showered just a few hours beforehand and thought I was good still. I don't know if I smelled bad at dinner. It is a terrifying thing. But to be sure they didn't think I was being careless or thoughtless, I had to... well... clear the air. I know if I invited someone to a meal and they... smelled funky... I might be of the mind that either they are very ill, infirm, or... corrupt. While I am ill, sometimes to infirmity, and I have let people know, I don't look it. And a foul smell and high blood pressure and heart problems might not seem to go together. (I am just theorizing with 'worn parts', mind you, but it is the only thing I can imagine.) Even my doctors take a double take when first meeting me, after only having read my charts. I've even had them, personally, check to make sure I was who the records indicate I am. I don't look sick. And in this world, seeing is believing, over and above expressed knowledge. Anyway, I was afraid to make the call but felt compelled. I explained the blood pressure and the theory about 'worn out parts' as well. It is done. He said he didn't notice anything, but... well, he is a guy. Perhaps his wife did. I am sure they will discuss it. If she noticed something, perhaps this will put her mind to ease. Women notice everything, especially mothers. :p
A quick shower then off to Mass. Life can be so harsh. It is said God gives to those who do, and not only doesn't give but takes even what little those who won't have should they fail to capitalize on their talents (of whatever nature that talent takes, time, special abilities, treasure... part of my reasoning for why God is for capitalism (in a certain form)). Perhaps since I have not managed what I have, even more is taken? Or perhaps this is just the nature of illness, a gift of choice and knowledge. I guess I have to go with the latter, because God knows I have done all I can with what I had to go on from poor medical advice, diagnostics, and treatment I have received. Bah. On to a shower and Mass. I have promised myself dinner out, on the cheap albeit, for making Mass tonight and tomorrow morning. Treats work with every pet and lady friend I have ever had. Doesn't have to be huge, my ladies have loved going for a sundae or a drive or to a *gag* chick flick. Gag, indeed, but sometimes the gag is worth her efforts on a project, to encourage certain behaviors, or to let her know she is still the hottest woman on my planet. Why not use my own carrot and stick schtick on myself? Hey, people just want to please and serve, if at different levels, the level at which we can offer what we have. That is what I like to do, if I would prefer to work at my highest levels which isn't possible so getting to Mass is it. Why not use that system on myself?
Good day.
.
Oh, I know. You have to be old or have health problems, right? After I got home, and was changing, I realized I smelled a little 'rough'. I had showered before taking my friend shopping, and that was just a few hours before dinner. Now, I did sit for some time after dinner before going to bed, so perhaps the odor developed after dinner. And I was wearing some of those funky new under wear, those techy material ones (which seem to foster odor much more quickly than cotton). But I was mortified. You know that smell as you pass an old person who doesn't or can't do peri-care, parineal care, well? Yeah. Fresh pants too, I check my clothes often for this reason. While I shower often, and more often for this reason, it can happen quickly, seemingly without provocation such as gas or a bm. I think, because I have blood pressure that is so high that medical people have said they have never seen blood pressure that high with someone who isn't having a stroke or heart attack and even on meds it's rather high, that some parts of my body have worn. I still laugh when they see it that high, look into my eyes, then listen to my passive (if sometimes quick) heartbeat to make sure I am not just... seemingly well. Nope, not a dead fish, they might as well sigh out.
So, I called the man who invited me to dinner. I begged apology and suggested I had showered just a few hours beforehand and thought I was good still. I don't know if I smelled bad at dinner. It is a terrifying thing. But to be sure they didn't think I was being careless or thoughtless, I had to... well... clear the air. I know if I invited someone to a meal and they... smelled funky... I might be of the mind that either they are very ill, infirm, or... corrupt. While I am ill, sometimes to infirmity, and I have let people know, I don't look it. And a foul smell and high blood pressure and heart problems might not seem to go together. (I am just theorizing with 'worn parts', mind you, but it is the only thing I can imagine.) Even my doctors take a double take when first meeting me, after only having read my charts. I've even had them, personally, check to make sure I was who the records indicate I am. I don't look sick. And in this world, seeing is believing, over and above expressed knowledge. Anyway, I was afraid to make the call but felt compelled. I explained the blood pressure and the theory about 'worn out parts' as well. It is done. He said he didn't notice anything, but... well, he is a guy. Perhaps his wife did. I am sure they will discuss it. If she noticed something, perhaps this will put her mind to ease. Women notice everything, especially mothers. :p
A quick shower then off to Mass. Life can be so harsh. It is said God gives to those who do, and not only doesn't give but takes even what little those who won't have should they fail to capitalize on their talents (of whatever nature that talent takes, time, special abilities, treasure... part of my reasoning for why God is for capitalism (in a certain form)). Perhaps since I have not managed what I have, even more is taken? Or perhaps this is just the nature of illness, a gift of choice and knowledge. I guess I have to go with the latter, because God knows I have done all I can with what I had to go on from poor medical advice, diagnostics, and treatment I have received. Bah. On to a shower and Mass. I have promised myself dinner out, on the cheap albeit, for making Mass tonight and tomorrow morning. Treats work with every pet and lady friend I have ever had. Doesn't have to be huge, my ladies have loved going for a sundae or a drive or to a *gag* chick flick. Gag, indeed, but sometimes the gag is worth her efforts on a project, to encourage certain behaviors, or to let her know she is still the hottest woman on my planet. Why not use my own carrot and stick schtick on myself? Hey, people just want to please and serve, if at different levels, the level at which we can offer what we have. That is what I like to do, if I would prefer to work at my highest levels which isn't possible so getting to Mass is it. Why not use that system on myself?
Good day.
Favorite Christmas present?
.
.
What was it? No, and don't tell me "the beautiful family I have", or "to enjoy family and friends". I mean a real present. And remember, while religiously I adhere to Christmas formally, for gifts I am rather loose as I believe Christmas is every day. What was that one gift that meant something special to you?
Me? I thought you would never ask! *pokes fun at self* Why, that would be the antique dresser I have in my bedroom. It was the first real piece of furniture I have ever owned, that was a gift, personal, and of some value. It gave me the hope of being or finding "home". It was the first thing real, lasting, personal, and home-ish. It was probably the beginning of... settling down. It was that one strike of lighting in an otherwise dark night of life. The only other thing I remember was my first bicycle. It was the first thing that was truly mine, of some value to me, and well beyond my ability at the time to buy. I don't remember most other gifts. So much for commercialism. Though, of course, I remember sharing Christmas with people. But as I said, that is another matter.
Aunty put me on this train of thought with her question.
My mother called, early, around 7:00(ish). While I was able to talk to her, which is what she needed, I wasn't quite up to knowing the time or getting up afterward. The call did get me out of bed far earlier than of late, with the help of some cats I know who saw their opportunity for an earlier than usual meal. *meow?* Up by 8:30, give or take.
My mother is preparing, today, for the funeral of a dear friend. She has been helping the son of that friend greatly in the time leading up to the death of her friend, filling in as surrogate mother and adviser. I think, as my mother ages, and sees death all around her, that she knows her time is nearer. Perhaps that all of our times are coming. In this case, she knows it is not just her death but the bereavement of those left behind where the pain of passing will be known most strongly. Helping a mother and her son to the door, through it, and soon to go beyond it, brings it home to her like nothing else could. More so in a family with as many problems as ours has known. She just needed to know that she was loved, to remember she is forgiven, to hear a voice she remembered, to connect with the living and life. While, for my sake, I hope I beat her to the grave I can't quite wish that on her. Strange how death can bring families together.
Bring you up then smash you to the depths then try to mellow it into a level midlevel flight? All in a days work if that wasn't quite what I set out to do. It just happens. Have a great day.
.
What was it? No, and don't tell me "the beautiful family I have", or "to enjoy family and friends". I mean a real present. And remember, while religiously I adhere to Christmas formally, for gifts I am rather loose as I believe Christmas is every day. What was that one gift that meant something special to you?
Me? I thought you would never ask! *pokes fun at self* Why, that would be the antique dresser I have in my bedroom. It was the first real piece of furniture I have ever owned, that was a gift, personal, and of some value. It gave me the hope of being or finding "home". It was the first thing real, lasting, personal, and home-ish. It was probably the beginning of... settling down. It was that one strike of lighting in an otherwise dark night of life. The only other thing I remember was my first bicycle. It was the first thing that was truly mine, of some value to me, and well beyond my ability at the time to buy. I don't remember most other gifts. So much for commercialism. Though, of course, I remember sharing Christmas with people. But as I said, that is another matter.
Aunty put me on this train of thought with her question.
My mother called, early, around 7:00(ish). While I was able to talk to her, which is what she needed, I wasn't quite up to knowing the time or getting up afterward. The call did get me out of bed far earlier than of late, with the help of some cats I know who saw their opportunity for an earlier than usual meal. *meow?* Up by 8:30, give or take.
My mother is preparing, today, for the funeral of a dear friend. She has been helping the son of that friend greatly in the time leading up to the death of her friend, filling in as surrogate mother and adviser. I think, as my mother ages, and sees death all around her, that she knows her time is nearer. Perhaps that all of our times are coming. In this case, she knows it is not just her death but the bereavement of those left behind where the pain of passing will be known most strongly. Helping a mother and her son to the door, through it, and soon to go beyond it, brings it home to her like nothing else could. More so in a family with as many problems as ours has known. She just needed to know that she was loved, to remember she is forgiven, to hear a voice she remembered, to connect with the living and life. While, for my sake, I hope I beat her to the grave I can't quite wish that on her. Strange how death can bring families together.
Bring you up then smash you to the depths then try to mellow it into a level midlevel flight? All in a days work if that wasn't quite what I set out to do. It just happens. Have a great day.
While not quite perfect...
.
.
My day was good. I did fail to make it to Mass. It irritates me greatly. Some days I simply cannot move fast enough. I lose time, or it slips my grasp, when I am really tired. I fight this as strongly as I am able. Unless my heart improves, and probably by a good deal, this is just something I have to understand (not surrender to, just know will happen regardless). I could drive myself insane with it if I don't know and let go when it has happened. I did take my friend shopping. We got all he needed at Walmart. I felt bad about rushing but I was even a bit late getting there for that. Then I made it to dinner. It was a fun affair, with a few games, good food, and pleasant company.
In spite of my dark dreams, spooky past, and such, I wouldn't have moved here if I thought I was actually a bad man. I am merely a historied man, with some dark riffs flowing under the skin. A reformed man, as well. No, if I thought I was evil, still evil as some might consider it, or simply a bad apple, I would keep to the cities. That is where monsters can live unnoticed. While some might say people who live in the sticks, or hicks, or colloquials have their problems, and they do, they are, to my mind, a finer type of people to have as neighbors, friends. These towns are filled with do-it-yourselfers, often by need as much as interest. I would guess, in this small town, more people know how to do more things than in ten packed city blocks in most areas of most cities. They have the tools, the knowledge, and the grit to get it done. At least enough to last until a proper repair can be had, if that is truly needed. No, I like it here. I wouldn't have come here should I have thought I would leave a darkness, or create one. Hmm, reminds me, I need to relax more when driving.
I am hoping to get some work done tomorrow, then Mass in the afternoon. I 'think' I can do it. I am still hoping to make Mass this coming Sunday morning, too. Sundays, or more mornings, are really tough for me. Even at the best of my recent past mornings... just... I can get stuck there. Never mind, that is my intent and will remain my effort until I conquer it. I know I will never do well, I can't be regular, not for long. But if I can make it every other week, or even once a month... I will just keep on that.
Good night. May you rest without bother from dreams, the past, food you ate this day, or a snoring or fussy spouse. If not, there is always tomorrow. Blessings.
.
My day was good. I did fail to make it to Mass. It irritates me greatly. Some days I simply cannot move fast enough. I lose time, or it slips my grasp, when I am really tired. I fight this as strongly as I am able. Unless my heart improves, and probably by a good deal, this is just something I have to understand (not surrender to, just know will happen regardless). I could drive myself insane with it if I don't know and let go when it has happened. I did take my friend shopping. We got all he needed at Walmart. I felt bad about rushing but I was even a bit late getting there for that. Then I made it to dinner. It was a fun affair, with a few games, good food, and pleasant company.
In spite of my dark dreams, spooky past, and such, I wouldn't have moved here if I thought I was actually a bad man. I am merely a historied man, with some dark riffs flowing under the skin. A reformed man, as well. No, if I thought I was evil, still evil as some might consider it, or simply a bad apple, I would keep to the cities. That is where monsters can live unnoticed. While some might say people who live in the sticks, or hicks, or colloquials have their problems, and they do, they are, to my mind, a finer type of people to have as neighbors, friends. These towns are filled with do-it-yourselfers, often by need as much as interest. I would guess, in this small town, more people know how to do more things than in ten packed city blocks in most areas of most cities. They have the tools, the knowledge, and the grit to get it done. At least enough to last until a proper repair can be had, if that is truly needed. No, I like it here. I wouldn't have come here should I have thought I would leave a darkness, or create one. Hmm, reminds me, I need to relax more when driving.
I am hoping to get some work done tomorrow, then Mass in the afternoon. I 'think' I can do it. I am still hoping to make Mass this coming Sunday morning, too. Sundays, or more mornings, are really tough for me. Even at the best of my recent past mornings... just... I can get stuck there. Never mind, that is my intent and will remain my effort until I conquer it. I know I will never do well, I can't be regular, not for long. But if I can make it every other week, or even once a month... I will just keep on that.
Good night. May you rest without bother from dreams, the past, food you ate this day, or a snoring or fussy spouse. If not, there is always tomorrow. Blessings.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Ah, a night without dreams.
.
.
Or, none I remembered. And my bed doesn't look like it has had a bull fight on it. Oh, I didn't mind. Those dreams make my blood run faster. They give me hope that if I die of a heart attach eventually, it will be while sleeping AND fighting. All good.
Waking was a little rough, but I did it without having to reset my alarm. I did let it ring on for some time, unable to quite just rise and smile. But that has been the norm for a short while now, and worse. I usually have to reset the alarm as often, even after ignoring the alarm for a good hour or more, I can't quite wake when I finally get up to clobber the alarm. Sleep was hard but sound last night. I didn't roll much at all which can make for a slightly cranky morning. That isn't too bad today.
Back to my routine. It might be all I get done this morning. I do, however, have three things on my itinerary for the day. Mass, then taking my friend shopping as per request, and then a dinner this evening (for which I need to remember to purchase a desert). I would have made one but I simply was not up to it. If I can restart my routine, which has been slightly broken for about five days, I will be happy.
Get right on it, folks. It is about that time. Good day.
.
Or, none I remembered. And my bed doesn't look like it has had a bull fight on it. Oh, I didn't mind. Those dreams make my blood run faster. They give me hope that if I die of a heart attach eventually, it will be while sleeping AND fighting. All good.
Waking was a little rough, but I did it without having to reset my alarm. I did let it ring on for some time, unable to quite just rise and smile. But that has been the norm for a short while now, and worse. I usually have to reset the alarm as often, even after ignoring the alarm for a good hour or more, I can't quite wake when I finally get up to clobber the alarm. Sleep was hard but sound last night. I didn't roll much at all which can make for a slightly cranky morning. That isn't too bad today.
Back to my routine. It might be all I get done this morning. I do, however, have three things on my itinerary for the day. Mass, then taking my friend shopping as per request, and then a dinner this evening (for which I need to remember to purchase a desert). I would have made one but I simply was not up to it. If I can restart my routine, which has been slightly broken for about five days, I will be happy.
Get right on it, folks. It is about that time. Good day.
Dreams are intensifying.
.
.
I can't remember much of my past. Bits and pieces, things here and there. Perhaps it is common, more common than I know. Here is some music that puts it into words powerfully enough that all can understand. But there is much darkness back then. I used to look for my destruction. Through thought and action, from what I had seen, I simply wanted to not be anymore. All around me seemed to figure out how to escape, doing the same things. It simply wasn't to be for me. So here I remain. At least God's call finally came through.
My dreams of war can be seen in the following. They are based on some aspect of fact. It wasn't always my opponents who cried. In my freshman year, after knocking down a junior and about to face one of his friends, I broke down because I was tired of hurting people. I explained to my coach that I didn't cry for fear being beaten, I was soul tired of crushing those who faced me. But have no doubt, I have made opponents cry uncontrollably. I can take a man apart like a car at a chop shop. They should have known as I always tried to get the fight to happen where there was just them and me.
My hunger for battle is seen here. Addicted as I am, I have, mostly, freed myself. It would take a steady decisive strongly intended warrior to bring me to battle. Be of great care what you call forth, make sure what you think you want is really what you need. If I have escaped it, I still lust for it. Funny though, for years, and even now, I sometimes deny my hunger, thirst, craving. Yeah, it is me who is so far away.
This was almost exactly the dream I just wrote about recently. Where I was fighting and couldn't seem to find a way out. At least in feel.
This is what happens should someone figure out how to break my bonds and neglect to slay me.
I just... felt the need to share my dreams. Oh, and I have never seen these videos before. I seem to... just find what fits at times. To share in a way you can see. This isn't the worst of my dreams, just... normal fight fair. Enjoy!
.
I can't remember much of my past. Bits and pieces, things here and there. Perhaps it is common, more common than I know. Here is some music that puts it into words powerfully enough that all can understand. But there is much darkness back then. I used to look for my destruction. Through thought and action, from what I had seen, I simply wanted to not be anymore. All around me seemed to figure out how to escape, doing the same things. It simply wasn't to be for me. So here I remain. At least God's call finally came through.
My dreams of war can be seen in the following. They are based on some aspect of fact. It wasn't always my opponents who cried. In my freshman year, after knocking down a junior and about to face one of his friends, I broke down because I was tired of hurting people. I explained to my coach that I didn't cry for fear being beaten, I was soul tired of crushing those who faced me. But have no doubt, I have made opponents cry uncontrollably. I can take a man apart like a car at a chop shop. They should have known as I always tried to get the fight to happen where there was just them and me.
My hunger for battle is seen here. Addicted as I am, I have, mostly, freed myself. It would take a steady decisive strongly intended warrior to bring me to battle. Be of great care what you call forth, make sure what you think you want is really what you need. If I have escaped it, I still lust for it. Funny though, for years, and even now, I sometimes deny my hunger, thirst, craving. Yeah, it is me who is so far away.
This was almost exactly the dream I just wrote about recently. Where I was fighting and couldn't seem to find a way out. At least in feel.
This is what happens should someone figure out how to break my bonds and neglect to slay me.
I just... felt the need to share my dreams. Oh, and I have never seen these videos before. I seem to... just find what fits at times. To share in a way you can see. This isn't the worst of my dreams, just... normal fight fair. Enjoy!
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Holy Schmola, a project to be sure.
.
.
I will have to look more, find out if this project is offered easily, cheaply, maybe even free. The design that is. Components? I would guess minimally $500, a lot of time, and outsourcing of a few things (welding, at this point). Worth it? Oh yes. Of course, not a thing for a prepper. It requires electricity. Given that it works on, mostly, low voltage (with the potential to volt up for a few components), it still might be functional should the prepper have set up a alternative electrical home-brew grid. *grins* What am I talking about? Ah, here you go.
Not only functional and good, and good for you, a project to make any engineering type just a bit more happy to have been gifted with that sort of mind. Sure, I might not have thought of it, living on a somewhat limited budget and with a minimal heart function, that is my lot. However, barring money concerns and energy levels, it is something I might eventually have hit upon. And who knows, perhaps I could make tiny improvements. To some degree, and often, that is what an engineer does. He takes good ideas and makes them faster, bigger, stronger, safer, smaller, whatever is needed or wanted. Science may jump in leaps and bounds, but it often fails for that reason. Engineering often just plods along. Well, until it does what science says can't be done or isn't "worth the effort" (such as with the light bulb, or even electricity to be honest). Engineers do, scientists think... often wrongly. Blah. So I am prejudiced, sue me. You will, by the way, lose that lawsuit. :p
Good night.
.
I will have to look more, find out if this project is offered easily, cheaply, maybe even free. The design that is. Components? I would guess minimally $500, a lot of time, and outsourcing of a few things (welding, at this point). Worth it? Oh yes. Of course, not a thing for a prepper. It requires electricity. Given that it works on, mostly, low voltage (with the potential to volt up for a few components), it still might be functional should the prepper have set up a alternative electrical home-brew grid. *grins* What am I talking about? Ah, here you go.
Not only functional and good, and good for you, a project to make any engineering type just a bit more happy to have been gifted with that sort of mind. Sure, I might not have thought of it, living on a somewhat limited budget and with a minimal heart function, that is my lot. However, barring money concerns and energy levels, it is something I might eventually have hit upon. And who knows, perhaps I could make tiny improvements. To some degree, and often, that is what an engineer does. He takes good ideas and makes them faster, bigger, stronger, safer, smaller, whatever is needed or wanted. Science may jump in leaps and bounds, but it often fails for that reason. Engineering often just plods along. Well, until it does what science says can't be done or isn't "worth the effort" (such as with the light bulb, or even electricity to be honest). Engineers do, scientists think... often wrongly. Blah. So I am prejudiced, sue me. You will, by the way, lose that lawsuit. :p
Good night.
Tomorrow?
.
.
My goal is to restart my scheduling tomorrow. I have been skipping much. Work, play, parts of my routine. Tomorrow is a busy day, as is. I have Mass slated, then taking my friend to buy tobacco, and then I have been invited to Christmas dinner here in town. While they haven't asked me to bring anything, I do believe I will find a desert in town to take in. Just the smallest amount as thanks seems appropriate.
Just one nap today. And, really, I don't mind a nap. They, at least usually and on medication, don't seem to mess my schedule up like they used to. I doubt if I will have time for a nap tomorrow. If so, though, and I have time, I might just take one. I simply can't believe how well I am doing with a heart at the end of the line. Even my bad days are relatively good, on what of the medication I can take. Speaking with the missionaries I asked what might be possible with 100% of function? Then again, age is creeping in there now. It is difficult to know.
Sassy is becoming huge. I have cut her food and she seems to still get bigger. I can't figure it out. I need to figure out how to cut some of her weight. At pretty much the same size as Sam otherwise, she is 50% or more heavier. I've started calling her Buffalo Girl. She really shouldn't make that much noise when she runs! Cat type thunder thighs, my word! It may be because she was fixed at such a young age. Or some cats, like some of us people, just don't handle food well. Or I... gave in to her too often as a kitten, feeding her too often. Sam and her are tearing around in the other room. I can only hear Sassy. Ugh!
Good night.
.
My goal is to restart my scheduling tomorrow. I have been skipping much. Work, play, parts of my routine. Tomorrow is a busy day, as is. I have Mass slated, then taking my friend to buy tobacco, and then I have been invited to Christmas dinner here in town. While they haven't asked me to bring anything, I do believe I will find a desert in town to take in. Just the smallest amount as thanks seems appropriate.
Just one nap today. And, really, I don't mind a nap. They, at least usually and on medication, don't seem to mess my schedule up like they used to. I doubt if I will have time for a nap tomorrow. If so, though, and I have time, I might just take one. I simply can't believe how well I am doing with a heart at the end of the line. Even my bad days are relatively good, on what of the medication I can take. Speaking with the missionaries I asked what might be possible with 100% of function? Then again, age is creeping in there now. It is difficult to know.
Sassy is becoming huge. I have cut her food and she seems to still get bigger. I can't figure it out. I need to figure out how to cut some of her weight. At pretty much the same size as Sam otherwise, she is 50% or more heavier. I've started calling her Buffalo Girl. She really shouldn't make that much noise when she runs! Cat type thunder thighs, my word! It may be because she was fixed at such a young age. Or some cats, like some of us people, just don't handle food well. Or I... gave in to her too often as a kitten, feeding her too often. Sam and her are tearing around in the other room. I can only hear Sassy. Ugh!
Good night.
Fight time!
.
.
Dreams have been on-tap recently. As I sleep through exhaustion dreams seem to just flow. One of them was neat, it was like a complete graphic novel. I could have, if I had the skill, written it out and drawn it. But the memory is fading. This last dream was one of the tougher ones I have remembered in some time. I was fighting... some number of men. Thankfully they were just normal men, normal men can't put out much damage if they can get lucky. I remembered, from it, that when fighting something happens. It allows me to tense up everywhere and handle most blows without too much effort. If stamina fails, I could get seriously hurt. In the dream those I was fighting were coming nowhere near breaking down my cohesion. The problem was I was not seeing an end to the fight, as if I was fighting an army of men. As I destroyed my opponents, other simply jumped in to replace those I had crushed.
I do remember fights, sort of. Like any combat, memory becomes screwy. Everything becomes time lapse, focus becomes intense, and logic becomes simplified, down to addressing who is the greatest threat and what seems to diminish the threat. I probably have a bit more going on than most fighters, even well trained fighters. Most men who have fought many fights have done so with rules, a ref, tradition, and time limits. Most of my fighting was without any of that and with some risk of "adds". I would say a quarter or more of my fights have involved those "adds", other people joining against me. I learned how to fight, how to retreat, how to win, how to survive. I had to. I hated it. I was seriously good at it. It isn't about strength, though that can help. Speed isn't it either. As I have said before, if there are things that help it is pure will and experience. The only true way to guarantee you won't lose a fight, though, is to not fight. There is no one, for the right reasons, I won't fight. Unlike Vox, I do have fear. There are too many ways to lose, even winning can land you in serious trouble. And I am lethal, beyond lethal, now. Even in my weakened condition, it all comes back in a flash.
Dreams really can bring things back. It amazes me sometimes. My fighting dreams, my brother's dream about the babysitter taking me into a room and locking the door, other dreams. Even good dreams, when I was a child, liking a girl, not fully knowing why. Or dreaming having taken a test and asked about the answers I got wrong, remembering most of the right answers and so getting a better grade (civics as freshman). I still remember the dream of "suitcase" nukes being planted in several major cities. I actually believe they are in place, waiting word to deliver the radioactive components. I can't tell you that is true, I can tell you I believe it. They look like soda machines, bigger ones, or food vending machines. I saw them without their casements, so can't tell what they will finally look like, or where they will be planted. They were in warehouses full of other similar appearing non-nuke devices, huge warehouses.
Well, on to my day. Good day.
.
Dreams have been on-tap recently. As I sleep through exhaustion dreams seem to just flow. One of them was neat, it was like a complete graphic novel. I could have, if I had the skill, written it out and drawn it. But the memory is fading. This last dream was one of the tougher ones I have remembered in some time. I was fighting... some number of men. Thankfully they were just normal men, normal men can't put out much damage if they can get lucky. I remembered, from it, that when fighting something happens. It allows me to tense up everywhere and handle most blows without too much effort. If stamina fails, I could get seriously hurt. In the dream those I was fighting were coming nowhere near breaking down my cohesion. The problem was I was not seeing an end to the fight, as if I was fighting an army of men. As I destroyed my opponents, other simply jumped in to replace those I had crushed.
I do remember fights, sort of. Like any combat, memory becomes screwy. Everything becomes time lapse, focus becomes intense, and logic becomes simplified, down to addressing who is the greatest threat and what seems to diminish the threat. I probably have a bit more going on than most fighters, even well trained fighters. Most men who have fought many fights have done so with rules, a ref, tradition, and time limits. Most of my fighting was without any of that and with some risk of "adds". I would say a quarter or more of my fights have involved those "adds", other people joining against me. I learned how to fight, how to retreat, how to win, how to survive. I had to. I hated it. I was seriously good at it. It isn't about strength, though that can help. Speed isn't it either. As I have said before, if there are things that help it is pure will and experience. The only true way to guarantee you won't lose a fight, though, is to not fight. There is no one, for the right reasons, I won't fight. Unlike Vox, I do have fear. There are too many ways to lose, even winning can land you in serious trouble. And I am lethal, beyond lethal, now. Even in my weakened condition, it all comes back in a flash.
Dreams really can bring things back. It amazes me sometimes. My fighting dreams, my brother's dream about the babysitter taking me into a room and locking the door, other dreams. Even good dreams, when I was a child, liking a girl, not fully knowing why. Or dreaming having taken a test and asked about the answers I got wrong, remembering most of the right answers and so getting a better grade (civics as freshman). I still remember the dream of "suitcase" nukes being planted in several major cities. I actually believe they are in place, waiting word to deliver the radioactive components. I can't tell you that is true, I can tell you I believe it. They look like soda machines, bigger ones, or food vending machines. I saw them without their casements, so can't tell what they will finally look like, or where they will be planted. They were in warehouses full of other similar appearing non-nuke devices, huge warehouses.
Well, on to my day. Good day.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Nap time.
.
.
Okay, this is getting really harsh. I have been forced to do one of two things. The first, to attempt staying awake right through pain and perpetual grogginess. That doesn't work as I get nothing done AND feel wretched the whole time. The second option has been to nap frequently. I limit the naps, but end up taking several a day. I set the alarm for between two and three hours if I end up waking up after anywhere from an half hour to an hour and a half. I have had three or four naps today. The naps have not allowed for more work but they have made life a lot easier. It simply doesn't hurt as much. And I can think somewhat more clearly.
I have started back on full meds. I had cut the water pill to a third of my dose and tried to drink less as well, for a few days. That might be it but I can't be sure. I have been having minor cramping, but with potassium, Gatorade, magnesium, zinc, vitamin B complex, and the others, I shouldn't be running low. I might be going too high though? This is a tricky thing to work through. Especially with little help from the medical field. Since I won't let them be little dictators they aren't interested in helping. I sure wish I could afford competent, communicative, mature medical help. I really do. Be glad Obama care is slated to end with his "career".
Oh, I see that moving to Utah has several good features, beyond my hopes. While home sales are slower, there actually are more of them. We have increased home sales by 25% since last year. Construction is down a good bit, but that is even better for me. While housing purchases have increased and new builds are down, my home type is the type that is being sold. And I have the right size and shape of home that people want. Fewer rooms, larger rooms, and a house allowing for a small family. If I can improve some things this home will sell quite well when I am ready.
What needs tended? The electrical, sum total. I need to gut it and start over, if I have to guess. I want the electric (fuse) box indoors, I want to make sure some things are not being used, and will remove them when I am sure they are not functioning (the knob and tube parts, after which I will insulate). And I want to make sure the wiring to my outbuildings are up to specs, with a heavier capacity to my garage for higher voltage equipment. Next I need to reform my kitchen. At least refitting the floor. I would also like to refresh or replace my cabinetry and add an island (with a gas cook top and a minor prep sink, and perhaps a hot water device). And, finally, I would like to improve my (the en suite) bathroom, expanding it to contain a corner spa bath, keep a shower, and hide the hot water heater (and probably redo some of the piping, as it seems to take a very long time for the hot water to reach the shower). Okay, that would about do it. How much would that add to value? I can't say, though I would guess I could get 50% to 70% back, perhaps more if it is all done well and rightly. More of a return if I do most of the work. Then again, I will have to be careful with my expenses and choices. Some of it can be on the cheap, but if it all looks like really cheap work and product, no gain will be had.
I am about to set up the dishes. I didn't do them after roasting the chicken and eating with my friend. I had them done before though, leaving a small pile from the dinner and the cooking. I did soak the roaster. It is extremely difficult to clean that monster if I don't soak it. I want to get set up for next week. I plan to have roast beef, mashed potatoes and gravy, and maybe the other squash. I am not sure when it will happen but I have already invited my friend. I really miss squash, haven't had it in a long time. Acorn this last time. I ate it without butter, salt, pepper, or brown sugar. Just squash. And I really enjoyed it.
Good night.
.
Okay, this is getting really harsh. I have been forced to do one of two things. The first, to attempt staying awake right through pain and perpetual grogginess. That doesn't work as I get nothing done AND feel wretched the whole time. The second option has been to nap frequently. I limit the naps, but end up taking several a day. I set the alarm for between two and three hours if I end up waking up after anywhere from an half hour to an hour and a half. I have had three or four naps today. The naps have not allowed for more work but they have made life a lot easier. It simply doesn't hurt as much. And I can think somewhat more clearly.
I have started back on full meds. I had cut the water pill to a third of my dose and tried to drink less as well, for a few days. That might be it but I can't be sure. I have been having minor cramping, but with potassium, Gatorade, magnesium, zinc, vitamin B complex, and the others, I shouldn't be running low. I might be going too high though? This is a tricky thing to work through. Especially with little help from the medical field. Since I won't let them be little dictators they aren't interested in helping. I sure wish I could afford competent, communicative, mature medical help. I really do. Be glad Obama care is slated to end with his "career".
Oh, I see that moving to Utah has several good features, beyond my hopes. While home sales are slower, there actually are more of them. We have increased home sales by 25% since last year. Construction is down a good bit, but that is even better for me. While housing purchases have increased and new builds are down, my home type is the type that is being sold. And I have the right size and shape of home that people want. Fewer rooms, larger rooms, and a house allowing for a small family. If I can improve some things this home will sell quite well when I am ready.
What needs tended? The electrical, sum total. I need to gut it and start over, if I have to guess. I want the electric (fuse) box indoors, I want to make sure some things are not being used, and will remove them when I am sure they are not functioning (the knob and tube parts, after which I will insulate). And I want to make sure the wiring to my outbuildings are up to specs, with a heavier capacity to my garage for higher voltage equipment. Next I need to reform my kitchen. At least refitting the floor. I would also like to refresh or replace my cabinetry and add an island (with a gas cook top and a minor prep sink, and perhaps a hot water device). And, finally, I would like to improve my (the en suite) bathroom, expanding it to contain a corner spa bath, keep a shower, and hide the hot water heater (and probably redo some of the piping, as it seems to take a very long time for the hot water to reach the shower). Okay, that would about do it. How much would that add to value? I can't say, though I would guess I could get 50% to 70% back, perhaps more if it is all done well and rightly. More of a return if I do most of the work. Then again, I will have to be careful with my expenses and choices. Some of it can be on the cheap, but if it all looks like really cheap work and product, no gain will be had.
I am about to set up the dishes. I didn't do them after roasting the chicken and eating with my friend. I had them done before though, leaving a small pile from the dinner and the cooking. I did soak the roaster. It is extremely difficult to clean that monster if I don't soak it. I want to get set up for next week. I plan to have roast beef, mashed potatoes and gravy, and maybe the other squash. I am not sure when it will happen but I have already invited my friend. I really miss squash, haven't had it in a long time. Acorn this last time. I ate it without butter, salt, pepper, or brown sugar. Just squash. And I really enjoyed it.
Good night.
Women.
.
.
Dr. Helen opened a can of worms, sort of. And with women on my mind, as usual, I have been chewing on the fat provided. There are general understandings, things more common to most men. And there are things that might be more singular to me, no two men are completely alike. I am not sure I can or will separate the two, if some differences might become obvious up front.
First, what makes women attractive to me, and they are to varying degrees, must be looked at. I don't think there are absolutes. I have been very attracted to women other men seem to find unattractive and I don't always find models all that attractive. Because of something that has changed in me, if a woman is not fertile and willing in the proper relationship to be so, I don't find the woman attractive. That may be a unique thing to me, or something normal which has been lost in a world of porn. I didn't have it when I was younger, at least not consciously. I gained this as I turned 35 or so. Beyond that, what attracts me to a woman is her interest in me. If she simply isn't interested, or is otherwise taken, it won't work. I have, in the past, won such women over. At this time I am not interested in working all that hard.
Okay, physically, I do have preferences. While I don't like bone skinny, I do like a woman to have a figure, up to plush but not beyond. She has to look feminine, girl-child looks just aren't my thing, nor are women so large they become androgynous. That leaves quite a lot of room. As for height, being rather tall, most women are petite. While petite is attractive, a 6'3" woman is still petite to me. Small women, in the 4'8" to 5'2" range sort of spook me. While attractive, they become fragile near me. And as for beauty, as I have suggested, I like what I like and that at times is quite different from what other men like. She either strikes me or she doesn't.
Dr. Helen wondered if what we see as attractive, or beautiful, or however you wish to term it, whether that is instinctive or based on modern media. For my part, I have to think it is something other than modern media. I am not sure, however, that it is based on instinct either. Initially, perhaps, there was instinctual behavior involved, much like with food preferences. As I aged, however, I learned to like different things. With food, bitter became a joy. Cabbage, brussels sprouts, and many other things have come to be greatly favored. With women, distinctive looks and "feel" (not physical touch, but a sense of the woman psychically, intellectually, or something) which is beyond mere beauty, a distinct sexuality that intrigues me, and other things have become a part of my interest in a particular woman. My tastes have changed, but I can't believe it is instinct. I would say it has more to do with having been with enough women that... something makes sense that is not clearly visible to the naked eye.
And, now, as I finally stepped into the Church, and opened my life to God as fully as I may, something else has happened. I don't fully understand this aspect, save that it has something to do with opening myself to God's will and whatever that does to a man. It does change things.
I also know that I will have to play a large part in keeping a woman attractive to me, should I find a wife. And I know that beauty will fade, even if she never changed. If men want a perpetually beautiful wife, they have to learn to love the woman, to guide her a bit by letting her know what strikes his cords. Sometimes this is done verbally, like letting her know that long hair is attractive. Sometimes it is done by showering her with attention or gifts when she emotes beautiful or attractive traits. Most men have no idea how powerful they are with their woman. I know. And I don't mind using it. I feel sorry for men who lose attraction to their woman, actually I feel sorry for both of them. It is the opposite of when men believe women can't be pleased, or expect them to just "know". But worse in the sense that men can lead women through that. Men can make up a woman's mind if not always in the way they directly think, or as a once and always thing. Those doubts and questions a woman bring? They are just seeking truth, through you. Don't fail yourself through failing your woman.
Anyway... Go have a wonderful day. And find some pretty woman, hopefully yours, to smile at. The Lord knows that fills my day. He sure gave us a lot of them too, to enjoy life with, both knowingly and not. If she isn't your love, treat her like your mother, sister, or daughter. That is, if you know how to do that right.
.
Dr. Helen opened a can of worms, sort of. And with women on my mind, as usual, I have been chewing on the fat provided. There are general understandings, things more common to most men. And there are things that might be more singular to me, no two men are completely alike. I am not sure I can or will separate the two, if some differences might become obvious up front.
First, what makes women attractive to me, and they are to varying degrees, must be looked at. I don't think there are absolutes. I have been very attracted to women other men seem to find unattractive and I don't always find models all that attractive. Because of something that has changed in me, if a woman is not fertile and willing in the proper relationship to be so, I don't find the woman attractive. That may be a unique thing to me, or something normal which has been lost in a world of porn. I didn't have it when I was younger, at least not consciously. I gained this as I turned 35 or so. Beyond that, what attracts me to a woman is her interest in me. If she simply isn't interested, or is otherwise taken, it won't work. I have, in the past, won such women over. At this time I am not interested in working all that hard.
Okay, physically, I do have preferences. While I don't like bone skinny, I do like a woman to have a figure, up to plush but not beyond. She has to look feminine, girl-child looks just aren't my thing, nor are women so large they become androgynous. That leaves quite a lot of room. As for height, being rather tall, most women are petite. While petite is attractive, a 6'3" woman is still petite to me. Small women, in the 4'8" to 5'2" range sort of spook me. While attractive, they become fragile near me. And as for beauty, as I have suggested, I like what I like and that at times is quite different from what other men like. She either strikes me or she doesn't.
Dr. Helen wondered if what we see as attractive, or beautiful, or however you wish to term it, whether that is instinctive or based on modern media. For my part, I have to think it is something other than modern media. I am not sure, however, that it is based on instinct either. Initially, perhaps, there was instinctual behavior involved, much like with food preferences. As I aged, however, I learned to like different things. With food, bitter became a joy. Cabbage, brussels sprouts, and many other things have come to be greatly favored. With women, distinctive looks and "feel" (not physical touch, but a sense of the woman psychically, intellectually, or something) which is beyond mere beauty, a distinct sexuality that intrigues me, and other things have become a part of my interest in a particular woman. My tastes have changed, but I can't believe it is instinct. I would say it has more to do with having been with enough women that... something makes sense that is not clearly visible to the naked eye.
And, now, as I finally stepped into the Church, and opened my life to God as fully as I may, something else has happened. I don't fully understand this aspect, save that it has something to do with opening myself to God's will and whatever that does to a man. It does change things.
I also know that I will have to play a large part in keeping a woman attractive to me, should I find a wife. And I know that beauty will fade, even if she never changed. If men want a perpetually beautiful wife, they have to learn to love the woman, to guide her a bit by letting her know what strikes his cords. Sometimes this is done verbally, like letting her know that long hair is attractive. Sometimes it is done by showering her with attention or gifts when she emotes beautiful or attractive traits. Most men have no idea how powerful they are with their woman. I know. And I don't mind using it. I feel sorry for men who lose attraction to their woman, actually I feel sorry for both of them. It is the opposite of when men believe women can't be pleased, or expect them to just "know". But worse in the sense that men can lead women through that. Men can make up a woman's mind if not always in the way they directly think, or as a once and always thing. Those doubts and questions a woman bring? They are just seeking truth, through you. Don't fail yourself through failing your woman.
Anyway... Go have a wonderful day. And find some pretty woman, hopefully yours, to smile at. The Lord knows that fills my day. He sure gave us a lot of them too, to enjoy life with, both knowingly and not. If she isn't your love, treat her like your mother, sister, or daughter. That is, if you know how to do that right.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Much to do and always too little time in which to do it.
.
.
I have been using cat naps along with longer sleep periods in order to have more function. If I weary to the point of dysfunction I simply take a nap. I set the alarm to limit the thing to a few hours though usually I rise after a mere hour or so. After getting up I am usually a bit closer to having some potential for function. If nothing else I am fully awake and can enjoy my humble life better when I am more awake.
I was up at between 9:00 and 10:00. I had a good night of sleep. Still I could not get going fast enough to make it to Mass. Fine, I'll make it Friday. The dishes are mostly done. I simply couldn't do a final load last night. I will finish the dishes and kitchen, begin brining the chicken, do some laundry, then see how time is going. It will be good to have company for dinner and enough food cooked for a few days to a week of easy eating as well. But more, it is good to be back on some kind of track again.
I was actually side-tracked a bit last night, which interfered with getting other tasks finished. I figured out the WPA2 settings, set it up with a full password, and it works well. The problem is I can't get my Droid Bionic to accept my wifi. I have been searching forums and the Motorola instructions, so far to no good end. I am not sure what to put where, actually. The phone, at various stages, asks for this and that but I honestly haven't found complete instructions or definitions. Which password here, do I need proxy numbers, what am I supposed to put in that blank, or this one? I simply haven't found a comprehensive instruction set, or a logic system by which to choose which settings I should be using, which systems to include or use, what boxes to check, so I don't even know if what I am putting in is correct, therefore I cannot be sure it actually isn't working. Yeah, I will probably call tech support shortly. I suppose putting all of this information up, in obvious ways, in easy to find and access ways, would be too much work. They were too busy making the Razor phone to fully support the Bionic, and now they are already working on the next phone. Oh well.
Later.
.
I have been using cat naps along with longer sleep periods in order to have more function. If I weary to the point of dysfunction I simply take a nap. I set the alarm to limit the thing to a few hours though usually I rise after a mere hour or so. After getting up I am usually a bit closer to having some potential for function. If nothing else I am fully awake and can enjoy my humble life better when I am more awake.
I was up at between 9:00 and 10:00. I had a good night of sleep. Still I could not get going fast enough to make it to Mass. Fine, I'll make it Friday. The dishes are mostly done. I simply couldn't do a final load last night. I will finish the dishes and kitchen, begin brining the chicken, do some laundry, then see how time is going. It will be good to have company for dinner and enough food cooked for a few days to a week of easy eating as well. But more, it is good to be back on some kind of track again.
I was actually side-tracked a bit last night, which interfered with getting other tasks finished. I figured out the WPA2 settings, set it up with a full password, and it works well. The problem is I can't get my Droid Bionic to accept my wifi. I have been searching forums and the Motorola instructions, so far to no good end. I am not sure what to put where, actually. The phone, at various stages, asks for this and that but I honestly haven't found complete instructions or definitions. Which password here, do I need proxy numbers, what am I supposed to put in that blank, or this one? I simply haven't found a comprehensive instruction set, or a logic system by which to choose which settings I should be using, which systems to include or use, what boxes to check, so I don't even know if what I am putting in is correct, therefore I cannot be sure it actually isn't working. Yeah, I will probably call tech support shortly. I suppose putting all of this information up, in obvious ways, in easy to find and access ways, would be too much work. They were too busy making the Razor phone to fully support the Bionic, and now they are already working on the next phone. Oh well.
Later.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Okay, well, limping in again.
.
.
I could not rise early or easily. I was pushing it meeting with Father today. But I did make it. I didn't have time to get my router/phone modem and cable tv box out. So, after meeting with Father, to discuss a men's breakfast, then going to Mass, I headed home to pick those up. Back into town I stopped first at my friend's apartment. Then to the cable company. They weren't happy that I was cutting off television. They offered me, now, a deal to put it all together and cut it so that basic tv would be $5 or $10 more than cable. Being mad as hell about being overcharged for so long I had no interest in tv, well, that and television is 99% junk or worse. No, no, no. Keep your tv.
After my business my friend asked to go shopping. He thought it had been two weeks, not one, since I was in to see him. Nope, just one week I assured him. Yeah, I really need to work harder to get in to see him. He likes to get out but doesn't like the methods available to him. And, yeah, it is good to have friends. After shopping I paid him back for dinner last week. We went to my favorite Mexican eatery. I do love that place. All good.
Getting home in the dark, at 18:00 or so, is so odd. I had some things to do though. First thing I had to part out what I bought at the store. I saw some great deals on steaks, but multi-packs, and hamburger. So I separated them out into useful portions then put them into freezer bags, most of those going into the freezer. Next I set up my new router. It wasn't, of course, working. A quick call to tech support got it going. As well, I found out how to change the WPA2 settings. They had it set up with WPA2 but with only, say, 14 number and digits. I went 64, wrote it down beforehand, then checked it twice while putting it in. The tech guy, I suspect, realized I was going all the way. He didn't sound too happy about it either. I can't be sure why, you would think they would like tight security. I guess I suspect they... have their reasons. Yeah, I can guess at why they like weak security.
I have set myself up. I have to do some things tomorrow. I really have to do the dishes tonight. I am planning on attending Mass again tomorrow. After which I will be bringing my friend home for supper. Roasted chicken (and brots), mashed potatoes, and gravy. Hmm, I just bought squash, I think that will go in as well. I loves me some squash. While I wash dishes I might as well go ahead and do laundry as well. It's been a tough week. I just can't let that become the norm, not if I can help it. Perhaps cutting the water pill just a bit was the right thing. We will see.
Good night.
.
I could not rise early or easily. I was pushing it meeting with Father today. But I did make it. I didn't have time to get my router/phone modem and cable tv box out. So, after meeting with Father, to discuss a men's breakfast, then going to Mass, I headed home to pick those up. Back into town I stopped first at my friend's apartment. Then to the cable company. They weren't happy that I was cutting off television. They offered me, now, a deal to put it all together and cut it so that basic tv would be $5 or $10 more than cable. Being mad as hell about being overcharged for so long I had no interest in tv, well, that and television is 99% junk or worse. No, no, no. Keep your tv.
After my business my friend asked to go shopping. He thought it had been two weeks, not one, since I was in to see him. Nope, just one week I assured him. Yeah, I really need to work harder to get in to see him. He likes to get out but doesn't like the methods available to him. And, yeah, it is good to have friends. After shopping I paid him back for dinner last week. We went to my favorite Mexican eatery. I do love that place. All good.
Getting home in the dark, at 18:00 or so, is so odd. I had some things to do though. First thing I had to part out what I bought at the store. I saw some great deals on steaks, but multi-packs, and hamburger. So I separated them out into useful portions then put them into freezer bags, most of those going into the freezer. Next I set up my new router. It wasn't, of course, working. A quick call to tech support got it going. As well, I found out how to change the WPA2 settings. They had it set up with WPA2 but with only, say, 14 number and digits. I went 64, wrote it down beforehand, then checked it twice while putting it in. The tech guy, I suspect, realized I was going all the way. He didn't sound too happy about it either. I can't be sure why, you would think they would like tight security. I guess I suspect they... have their reasons. Yeah, I can guess at why they like weak security.
I have set myself up. I have to do some things tomorrow. I really have to do the dishes tonight. I am planning on attending Mass again tomorrow. After which I will be bringing my friend home for supper. Roasted chicken (and brots), mashed potatoes, and gravy. Hmm, I just bought squash, I think that will go in as well. I loves me some squash. While I wash dishes I might as well go ahead and do laundry as well. It's been a tough week. I just can't let that become the norm, not if I can help it. Perhaps cutting the water pill just a bit was the right thing. We will see.
Good night.
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