.
.
A check, on medicine. It was in, loaded, and ready. A shower and good shave first. I really wanted a nap but that timed out... either a nap and nothing else, plus maybe destroying my hard won day schedule, or just bull through. I can't always do my druther. Today it was done. First to the post office, mail and a package. It has been in a while, I think? Got it.
The rest was short and easy. Meds by drive-through, groceries with a short list. There were some good prices on a few non-list but preferred items. I should have enough for most of the month. I shouldn't do donuts, it's been a while since I have even had carbs, mostly.
Return responses? Yeah. The first two are things viewers brought, as I perceive. The last is from one who thinks this was about her. It wasn't, really, AA. Still, I... didn't like it, then chuckled. She definitely fights like a girl and doesn't quite get it, on top of being wrong. Still, love the spirit! At least once I got over the... weird factor.
Tuesday, October 10, 2017
Only Tuesday?
.
.
It seems as though weeks have passed since Sunday. Unable to do much. Stuck, again. And with someone haunting my space. Dealing with living ghosts is easier.
.
It seems as though weeks have passed since Sunday. Unable to do much. Stuck, again. And with someone haunting my space. Dealing with living ghosts is easier.
Monday, October 9, 2017
Got a live one.
.
.
Never sure. Did something I viewed trigger an algorithm? Did someone dig into past posts, and do the same? Or is the ghost of a past or spirit of a still living woman I have known simply become a ghost in the, or my, machine. I have known some very strange dames. Is there any other kind though? I suppose there is a spectrum, of which my women have always stretched, one way or another... if my nature probably enhances.
I do believe this event to be several of my former lovers, or one with serious lingering desire. I have been psychicly blind for a bit. It might seem a large bundle, all at once, but not be. No, as the music, only some of which will be aired to save confusion... as much as that is possible, all appeared at once.
(So few get that the past, even the false, can be true in confusion. Once that is cleared? Even so, even false and known as such? It still was, in a way, a form of history. Denial of what was, or was perceived, is no more right than the fullness of the false itself. Much as the mistakes of early mathematicians and physicists are better remembered than denied.) Still, I will attempt to... keep it more easily followed.
This one bothered me at first, at once. I thought of witchery, magic, of the female sort... all bad. Then I looked again. It was death, of several sorts, fates and maybe the ages of a women, contesting, debating, or perhaps merely playing their, often, sad parts. Her part was passive, not quite final, with a dark awakening even so.
.
Never sure. Did something I viewed trigger an algorithm? Did someone dig into past posts, and do the same? Or is the ghost of a past or spirit of a still living woman I have known simply become a ghost in the, or my, machine. I have known some very strange dames. Is there any other kind though? I suppose there is a spectrum, of which my women have always stretched, one way or another... if my nature probably enhances.
I do believe this event to be several of my former lovers, or one with serious lingering desire. I have been psychicly blind for a bit. It might seem a large bundle, all at once, but not be. No, as the music, only some of which will be aired to save confusion... as much as that is possible, all appeared at once.
(So few get that the past, even the false, can be true in confusion. Once that is cleared? Even so, even false and known as such? It still was, in a way, a form of history. Denial of what was, or was perceived, is no more right than the fullness of the false itself. Much as the mistakes of early mathematicians and physicists are better remembered than denied.) Still, I will attempt to... keep it more easily followed.
This one bothered me at first, at once. I thought of witchery, magic, of the female sort... all bad. Then I looked again. It was death, of several sorts, fates and maybe the ages of a women, contesting, debating, or perhaps merely playing their, often, sad parts. Her part was passive, not quite final, with a dark awakening even so.
Okay.
.
.
Beautifully brutal. I got the trash and cat litter dealt with, then nap crashed. I, until the last post, couldn't steer to either, heading right for the middle. An empty crash was becoming likely, perhaps bad enough to ruin my day schedule. It happens. I think posting saved my bacon. Part of why I do it.
Doing the work allowed me to get in and nap before it became too late. Which allowed me to be awake in time to realize some things had been missed, things which really needed to go. The nap helped enough that the work , little as it seems to you, was easy enough for me.
Now, ribs are grilling. As well as squash. Squash? It is an experiment. This is an acorn squash. I have another and a butternut (if memory serves) for grill trials. A shower and hopefully shave this time is next. Then? Feeling much better. Dealing with the trash and the nap, combined, soothed what was ailing me.
The squash was quite good. I think if one avoids burning the skin or drying it out too much, you can't lose.
Strange music has been haunting, without... effort, of thought or action on my part. Brewing an exposition and response, maybe separate or a mixed two part post. So little energy, even for the things I love to do. Love? I... am not sure I love noticing patterns, then attempting to carve thoughts from them, it is simply what I do... almost a need, only sometimes, in the kinder and gentler themes, usually, is the work a joy. Those are rare moments, as reality here and now is harsh and will only get worse until He returns, and then some. In part it is why I played sudoku regularly and with intensity. Sharpens pattern recognition.
Later.
.
Beautifully brutal. I got the trash and cat litter dealt with, then nap crashed. I, until the last post, couldn't steer to either, heading right for the middle. An empty crash was becoming likely, perhaps bad enough to ruin my day schedule. It happens. I think posting saved my bacon. Part of why I do it.
Doing the work allowed me to get in and nap before it became too late. Which allowed me to be awake in time to realize some things had been missed, things which really needed to go. The nap helped enough that the work , little as it seems to you, was easy enough for me.
Now, ribs are grilling. As well as squash. Squash? It is an experiment. This is an acorn squash. I have another and a butternut (if memory serves) for grill trials. A shower and hopefully shave this time is next. Then? Feeling much better. Dealing with the trash and the nap, combined, soothed what was ailing me.
The squash was quite good. I think if one avoids burning the skin or drying it out too much, you can't lose.
Strange music has been haunting, without... effort, of thought or action on my part. Brewing an exposition and response, maybe separate or a mixed two part post. So little energy, even for the things I love to do. Love? I... am not sure I love noticing patterns, then attempting to carve thoughts from them, it is simply what I do... almost a need, only sometimes, in the kinder and gentler themes, usually, is the work a joy. Those are rare moments, as reality here and now is harsh and will only get worse until He returns, and then some. In part it is why I played sudoku regularly and with intensity. Sharpens pattern recognition.
Later.
Not the best.
.
.
Not the worst. Frustration returns. I am able to have a regular day and night. Getting enough sleep too, if it doesn't always feel like it. The change of season might be it. I wouldn't mind if I didn't have things to do. Naps, every morning and for a while. Things have to be done, soon. Trash out, mail checked, more. One today the other tomorrow, not much choice. Later.
.
Not the worst. Frustration returns. I am able to have a regular day and night. Getting enough sleep too, if it doesn't always feel like it. The change of season might be it. I wouldn't mind if I didn't have things to do. Naps, every morning and for a while. Things have to be done, soon. Trash out, mail checked, more. One today the other tomorrow, not much choice. Later.
Sunday, October 8, 2017
That was fast.
.
.
Moreover it worked! Still a bit tired. Having both started medicine recently, still in some form of multiple recovery, and having pushed things this last week at least for the shape of my condition, going with being tired is reasonable... even a pleasure. As little as it may seem, sometimes... God knows. Thankfully.
Met a woman while out last time. Conversed as is my nature. A few links were found and explored, not flirtations... can tell when a woman is cautious due to being in a certain stage of love... shortly after the first blush stages and while the enormity of it all is settling in. Not married, to a local lad, living together. I was saddened. Oh, I have been so much worse, if for many dark and hard reasons... right or wrong. It probably won't hit her until she is pregnant... or beyond that function (or nearing the end). It will hit. To see either the hate or grief in the faces of such women, at their end and without fruit or even a man often, is as terrible as anything I have ever seen. I left with advice. Make it work. And a prayer. No different than homosexuality, sin is sin. She is one of the prettier ones too. I called it the modern way, which she liked enough to claim for use with their unhappy parents. I have sixty, plus, of her in my bone pile, and six kids I have never seen, that I know. I... wish I could teach from my failures.
The other day a post was written, with the word "odd" in the title. Didn't get to the things being considered when the title was developed. Medical. This last week has been a success in taking medication. Not odd, but strange things surrounding it. Not needing to wake to void... not going as often and yet having no swelling of the feet during the day... a few other things, like no added exhaustion with the meds, and on full dose into this week two of restarting. Just odd, mostly in good ways, if the feet have worsened, a bit, again... no rhyme, reason, food, or medicine seems to control well for that. I suspect there are at least two different causes for that.
On to waking. Again. Later.
(This post was actually started an hour and small change after the last post. Didn't get posted as I was attempting to capture, edit, and post a picture (of God Creates Adam, in the Cistine Chapel (all spelling and exacitude questionable)), which obviously failed, this time, for now, etc).
.
Moreover it worked! Still a bit tired. Having both started medicine recently, still in some form of multiple recovery, and having pushed things this last week at least for the shape of my condition, going with being tired is reasonable... even a pleasure. As little as it may seem, sometimes... God knows. Thankfully.
Met a woman while out last time. Conversed as is my nature. A few links were found and explored, not flirtations... can tell when a woman is cautious due to being in a certain stage of love... shortly after the first blush stages and while the enormity of it all is settling in. Not married, to a local lad, living together. I was saddened. Oh, I have been so much worse, if for many dark and hard reasons... right or wrong. It probably won't hit her until she is pregnant... or beyond that function (or nearing the end). It will hit. To see either the hate or grief in the faces of such women, at their end and without fruit or even a man often, is as terrible as anything I have ever seen. I left with advice. Make it work. And a prayer. No different than homosexuality, sin is sin. She is one of the prettier ones too. I called it the modern way, which she liked enough to claim for use with their unhappy parents. I have sixty, plus, of her in my bone pile, and six kids I have never seen, that I know. I... wish I could teach from my failures.
The other day a post was written, with the word "odd" in the title. Didn't get to the things being considered when the title was developed. Medical. This last week has been a success in taking medication. Not odd, but strange things surrounding it. Not needing to wake to void... not going as often and yet having no swelling of the feet during the day... a few other things, like no added exhaustion with the meds, and on full dose into this week two of restarting. Just odd, mostly in good ways, if the feet have worsened, a bit, again... no rhyme, reason, food, or medicine seems to control well for that. I suspect there are at least two different causes for that.
On to waking. Again. Later.
(This post was actually started an hour and small change after the last post. Didn't get posted as I was attempting to capture, edit, and post a picture (of God Creates Adam, in the Cistine Chapel (all spelling and exacitude questionable)), which obviously failed, this time, for now, etc).
Fierce headache.
.
.
Waking to it, was not surprised. Through the night I struggled to find a comfortable position, failing every time. It happens, if this time could have been avoided if I had been able to wake a bit more, somehow an extra pillow got under my head. I keep several extra for rotation, to balance appearance, and other uses like leg elevation at some times. Not so much a health thing, that last, just a rare comfort thing.
It's not a migraine, if it is strong enough to have some of the features. Mild nausea and light issues. Strong aspirin and maybe back to bed for a bit. If I think I can sleep through headache without messing to much up, I will give it a shot. Hmm, yes. Life has been somewhat painful lately. I don't wish to fuss with more today. Later.
Saturday, October 7, 2017
Do naps help?
.
.
Sometimes, is my vote. For it to help, without causing other issues, certain things must fit. It can't be too late in the day. Too early and it isn't a nap, a return to unfinished rest, different issue. It can't be too warm or cold. Though it is difficult for it to be too cold too sleep, if it is below some ill-defined and changing temp waking in a timely fashion so as to term it a true nap may not happen.
Yes, a nap this morn. No choice. While sleeping I became a bit depressed. It seemed as if I had slept far too long, messing up the weeks of effort to get my days and nights sorted. Even so I couldn't force myself awake, even to check the time. Turns out the nap ended being exactly optimal and normal, timewise. Bruised a bit by the worry though. Oh well. Not sure how much it actually helped, some I believe. No choice in the matter in any case.
Beans are done, a burger hash with some of it has also been cooked. I am mastering beans. Humble as they might be they are fine and inexpensive, greater still they give me no gas especially as I learned to make them properly. Add in beef, a mild masala of my own design, and it passes humble cuisine muster with grace. Add a dollop of sour cream, cheese, and a dash of finishing salt and it begins a journey towards haute cuisine. Homemade creme fraich and a sprinkling of fresh minced or sliced chives and you would be home for certain. I do my best.
Work doesn't seem likely. The want is there, the flesh is exhausted, even with the nap, beyond reasoning with, numb. No worries. It saw me through a harrowing set of recent events and holds promise for more, if in it's time and terms. I can live with that, and gratefully. A shower, shave, and trash and recycling together and out are on the menu even so. I'll lean into those if needs be. Other than those, rest is fine.
Later, or not. Good day in any case.
.
Sometimes, is my vote. For it to help, without causing other issues, certain things must fit. It can't be too late in the day. Too early and it isn't a nap, a return to unfinished rest, different issue. It can't be too warm or cold. Though it is difficult for it to be too cold too sleep, if it is below some ill-defined and changing temp waking in a timely fashion so as to term it a true nap may not happen.
Yes, a nap this morn. No choice. While sleeping I became a bit depressed. It seemed as if I had slept far too long, messing up the weeks of effort to get my days and nights sorted. Even so I couldn't force myself awake, even to check the time. Turns out the nap ended being exactly optimal and normal, timewise. Bruised a bit by the worry though. Oh well. Not sure how much it actually helped, some I believe. No choice in the matter in any case.
Beans are done, a burger hash with some of it has also been cooked. I am mastering beans. Humble as they might be they are fine and inexpensive, greater still they give me no gas especially as I learned to make them properly. Add in beef, a mild masala of my own design, and it passes humble cuisine muster with grace. Add a dollop of sour cream, cheese, and a dash of finishing salt and it begins a journey towards haute cuisine. Homemade creme fraich and a sprinkling of fresh minced or sliced chives and you would be home for certain. I do my best.
Work doesn't seem likely. The want is there, the flesh is exhausted, even with the nap, beyond reasoning with, numb. No worries. It saw me through a harrowing set of recent events and holds promise for more, if in it's time and terms. I can live with that, and gratefully. A shower, shave, and trash and recycling together and out are on the menu even so. I'll lean into those if needs be. Other than those, rest is fine.
Later, or not. Good day in any case.
Truly?
.
.
Top of the morning to you? Of Course! Even on my worst day I don't begrudge my enemy a good day. Good days, dark options, and blood in their tears provide an opportunity for another way. But you, most of you, most of the time, aren't my enemy even so. And, when you are, and happen to visit, do I not seed your tears with blood? So it is. That isn't, any of it, the point.
In my shape, with all that is still problematic, that I still have cheer, which I do. Simply hoping a smile through toil and pain, unforced and without any ends other than to exhibit a joy for life, might be worth explaining, pointing out, sharing. I can't do much for folk, am often enough a downer-debby. A spot of light without too much blood and pain in conjunction is hoped to be welcomed.
Again, top of the day, morning, to you.
Beans are on the boil. Soaked overnight. Boil? No, not any more... simmer. That and burger will be the main of my food this week, if in part because I burned other meat. While I won't need to starve, I will need to be of some serious care with each penny. Food like this stretches coin greatly. Then I can do part of what I suggested last month more easily.
Dishes today, another shower, counters and stove, plus the trash arranged and readied. What all of that though today? If all, I may add a few things tomorrow. Next week is for social security and collecting dry trash, going through boxes, tossing everything from books to asunder home goods. That will go hand in hand with the seeming abandoned effort to clear wall space in the rooms. That... the purpose of it too... I had more intense things come up. Haven't given up on that, the timeline is simply longer.
Yes, good morning and day. Later.
Friday, October 6, 2017
More.
.
.
The goal. Less. What has been done. A few calls, plans for a bit more based on the calls, probably yet today. No travel until Monday and a call, just to be sure. It looks like requested medication may have gone through. Will check with them soon. On the good side, I am not as lean as I had feared. Financially. I can eat. I can... do... as needed, perhaps wanted to a lessor degree.
It is a ponderous day. My feet, in many ways, are as clay. A price was due. Hopefully some efforts can still happen. It's a grace to still be able to want, know to, try. Not my grace, save as a gift. The Lord knows I am doing beyond my limits, feeble as it might seem. I've wanted a nap since 9:00. It simply got too late before I could nap. Not willing to mess up sleep. Holding off until 17:00-18:00.
Now work today. Tomorrow, changing sheets and cleaning under the sink so as to get a new faucet and drain plumbing installed. Not much more this weekend. Ugh, so tired. Later, or good night.
.
The goal. Less. What has been done. A few calls, plans for a bit more based on the calls, probably yet today. No travel until Monday and a call, just to be sure. It looks like requested medication may have gone through. Will check with them soon. On the good side, I am not as lean as I had feared. Financially. I can eat. I can... do... as needed, perhaps wanted to a lessor degree.
It is a ponderous day. My feet, in many ways, are as clay. A price was due. Hopefully some efforts can still happen. It's a grace to still be able to want, know to, try. Not my grace, save as a gift. The Lord knows I am doing beyond my limits, feeble as it might seem. I've wanted a nap since 9:00. It simply got too late before I could nap. Not willing to mess up sleep. Holding off until 17:00-18:00.
Now work today. Tomorrow, changing sheets and cleaning under the sink so as to get a new faucet and drain plumbing installed. Not much more this weekend. Ugh, so tired. Later, or good night.
So odd.
.
.
Couldn't sleep until well after 20:00, nearing the next hour. Woke a bit after 1:00. I'll pay for it, not a choice. The excitement, and working past the real or perceived dangers flooded the bod with certain chems. I used to jones for those... an adrenaline junky. Attempts have been made to restrict that diet and end the dark life which was required for constant resupplies.
Never my choice, save that I refused the pecking-order(tm), would take a knee to no other boy or man, save loosely organisationally as in employment, respect for reciprocal teachers and coaches, et al. Bullies, bullyboys of the system, the raw system itself, in the smaller and larger writs, all mean, combined and separately, to break people. Women, females, are favored by that system as they are born broken... subservient, fearful, weak, easily swayed by waves of real or artificial virtue signalling... to be held as templates for boys, men, in the new Babylon.
Those who refuse leave, find our own way. We also pay a handsome fee in many ways. But I tell you it is a grander life. By the way, though... if you aren't strong enough to be a free man here? Heaven... won't be what is hoped. Both attempting too much freedom, and surrendering too much, can lead to darkness. Still, if heaven awaits? As above so below, and in this case, the obverse.
As a payment for running the gauntlet I should have travel as a fearless option again... or shortly. Too, some decent amount of stress has been lifted. The body feels better without all those psychic tics and fleas. Now to not only scratch at the others but be rid of them sum total. I'll check on meds today. I was told doc won't do refill orders? Wha? If it was painpills, sure. But heart medicine? I don't know about him, but with so many docs tossing narcs like candy, having a doc who won't keep vital refills on order? It's a mad, insane, world. I won't play games. If I don't have clear safe semi-private access to medication, without a doctors boot on my neck, I'll quit them or find a new doc. This isn't rocket science, a social call, or a negotiaton.
Why is this so difficult? Ah, right... refusing to sit to pee. Gotchya. I hate when I meander into my own lesson target area. I suppose that is... part of the point. *shrug* Housework, today. This time for real. Later, good morning and day. *taps tophat brim to gain your focus* *tips hat, bows head ever so slightly while angling my face to a quartering degree, wearing a foxlike grin*
.
Couldn't sleep until well after 20:00, nearing the next hour. Woke a bit after 1:00. I'll pay for it, not a choice. The excitement, and working past the real or perceived dangers flooded the bod with certain chems. I used to jones for those... an adrenaline junky. Attempts have been made to restrict that diet and end the dark life which was required for constant resupplies.
Never my choice, save that I refused the pecking-order(tm), would take a knee to no other boy or man, save loosely organisationally as in employment, respect for reciprocal teachers and coaches, et al. Bullies, bullyboys of the system, the raw system itself, in the smaller and larger writs, all mean, combined and separately, to break people. Women, females, are favored by that system as they are born broken... subservient, fearful, weak, easily swayed by waves of real or artificial virtue signalling... to be held as templates for boys, men, in the new Babylon.
Those who refuse leave, find our own way. We also pay a handsome fee in many ways. But I tell you it is a grander life. By the way, though... if you aren't strong enough to be a free man here? Heaven... won't be what is hoped. Both attempting too much freedom, and surrendering too much, can lead to darkness. Still, if heaven awaits? As above so below, and in this case, the obverse.
As a payment for running the gauntlet I should have travel as a fearless option again... or shortly. Too, some decent amount of stress has been lifted. The body feels better without all those psychic tics and fleas. Now to not only scratch at the others but be rid of them sum total. I'll check on meds today. I was told doc won't do refill orders? Wha? If it was painpills, sure. But heart medicine? I don't know about him, but with so many docs tossing narcs like candy, having a doc who won't keep vital refills on order? It's a mad, insane, world. I won't play games. If I don't have clear safe semi-private access to medication, without a doctors boot on my neck, I'll quit them or find a new doc. This isn't rocket science, a social call, or a negotiaton.
Why is this so difficult? Ah, right... refusing to sit to pee. Gotchya. I hate when I meander into my own lesson target area. I suppose that is... part of the point. *shrug* Housework, today. This time for real. Later, good morning and day. *taps tophat brim to gain your focus* *tips hat, bows head ever so slightly while angling my face to a quartering degree, wearing a foxlike grin*
Thursday, October 5, 2017
While they weren't watching.
.
.
I snuck out after suggesting other plans were in play. I suspect if they realized I was going out, and why, I would have ended up with tickets and a court date... at least. I do believe the shove is on to force me out, break me, or worse. Can't blame them, just wish they would do it honesty. My size and no witnesses would easily go to self-defense. That isn't how the left works, but it's the only real way for some types. If you really want us gone.
Inspection and tags, then paperwork to the doc, for to keep my driver license, all very late. Was going to buy nerve tonic and groceries with what might be left. Overheard a young mom, one under foot, one in the oven... sobbing. Just had her vehicle fixed, was driving away, then the fix-it popped again. A lemon that was draining her and all dry. I couldn't do much, but I can skip food for a bit... a bit longer. I don't really feel better, though I probably made a large score. Made a woman cry with ease, without going to jail. Hrmh, fifty, a hundred, points? More?
I have some food left. Not sure whether to continue as usual or to ration. What would you suggest? Not that your advice, my plan - focused will - matter. What happens, happens, I have learned. At least I am the sort of fool who won't regret gifting, even to dire hunger. I used to, still do, live for right suffering.
I'll keep at it. I just sorted half of the real problems, which open up part of the potential solution to the other half... driving was crucial, if for more than just that. If I can just do it. Don't deserve what has been given, but I am stuck sort of needing it now. God help me. Amen.
.
I snuck out after suggesting other plans were in play. I suspect if they realized I was going out, and why, I would have ended up with tickets and a court date... at least. I do believe the shove is on to force me out, break me, or worse. Can't blame them, just wish they would do it honesty. My size and no witnesses would easily go to self-defense. That isn't how the left works, but it's the only real way for some types. If you really want us gone.
Inspection and tags, then paperwork to the doc, for to keep my driver license, all very late. Was going to buy nerve tonic and groceries with what might be left. Overheard a young mom, one under foot, one in the oven... sobbing. Just had her vehicle fixed, was driving away, then the fix-it popped again. A lemon that was draining her and all dry. I couldn't do much, but I can skip food for a bit... a bit longer. I don't really feel better, though I probably made a large score. Made a woman cry with ease, without going to jail. Hrmh, fifty, a hundred, points? More?
I have some food left. Not sure whether to continue as usual or to ration. What would you suggest? Not that your advice, my plan - focused will - matter. What happens, happens, I have learned. At least I am the sort of fool who won't regret gifting, even to dire hunger. I used to, still do, live for right suffering.
I'll keep at it. I just sorted half of the real problems, which open up part of the potential solution to the other half... driving was crucial, if for more than just that. If I can just do it. Don't deserve what has been given, but I am stuck sort of needing it now. God help me. Amen.
Wednesday, October 4, 2017
A new day.
.
.
It is difficult to start today. The work in an attempt to restart life, while mostly at least touched upon, leaves a gaping economic hole and a great deal of ponderous, slow, timed work. It might take months or years to finish. Perhaps not ending correctly even then. I didn't see any packages from them, if it is possible I missed something. But I did return the packet from my visit. It had nothing to do with my medical, or my current doc's contact information. I should have kept a copy. Not even sure what it was about at.
Other business has to be attended before travel is possible. That has begun. So muh to do, so little time, health, and coin. So it goes. I'll begin for the day soon enough. No rush, that will be fot business hours. I need to get ready, in my mind.
.
It is difficult to start today. The work in an attempt to restart life, while mostly at least touched upon, leaves a gaping economic hole and a great deal of ponderous, slow, timed work. It might take months or years to finish. Perhaps not ending correctly even then. I didn't see any packages from them, if it is possible I missed something. But I did return the packet from my visit. It had nothing to do with my medical, or my current doc's contact information. I should have kept a copy. Not even sure what it was about at.
Other business has to be attended before travel is possible. That has begun. So muh to do, so little time, health, and coin. So it goes. I'll begin for the day soon enough. No rush, that will be fot business hours. I need to get ready, in my mind.
Later is fine.
.
.
The plan was to attack hard, fast, on multiple fronts, and begin early. Time ticked by slowly. I watched it pass, seemingly unable to rally. Then it happened. A wave of revulsion at my situation. Horror at the catatonic immobility, anger at myself, the situations, the denied needs and wants... a rush of chemicals flooded my system... the rust was slightly broken. Calls, many. Laundry started. A shower soon. And a shave. I hope. Cleaned the toilet while I was at things.
I am waiting on two return calls. My bank, which I called Monday, and SSA which was called today. My guess is that neither of those will call back. I will have to continuously call each. I may even be ignored completely without political help, say a congressman. Governor isn't the type or in that line. May just be out of ss. Things seem to have been decided, visits, paperwork, and the law means nothing to a muh feelz bureaucracy. Still, I'll give it what efforts I may.
Oh, and Walgreens, again, filled the dr.'s scripts without my consent... in spite of just having filled them and telling them NOT TO DO THAT. Oh, no refills beyond either, plus potassium still at 30 days. Why wouldn't I feel under a coordinated attack?
I'll keep at it, as I can. Some things were semi or fully completed. A bunch of things were started. I sure hope for a shower. Good night... Not bedtime, I won't be back today is all.
UPDATE: SSD did call back. SSI is gone. There are two slim chances at getting it back without reapplying. One is a ream or two of paperwork, the other is to go to the office with proof of veteran disability. I never can find the yearly award letter. Perhaps bank statements will do. It seems 100% total, permanent, means something to someone. I will, when I can, try both. Yeah... It's going to be lean here for a while. Fasting was written in on the menu. The schedule is simply accelerated and enhanced.
Yeah... as in a lame depressed yes, not a cheer or snark. Ah well.
.
The plan was to attack hard, fast, on multiple fronts, and begin early. Time ticked by slowly. I watched it pass, seemingly unable to rally. Then it happened. A wave of revulsion at my situation. Horror at the catatonic immobility, anger at myself, the situations, the denied needs and wants... a rush of chemicals flooded my system... the rust was slightly broken. Calls, many. Laundry started. A shower soon. And a shave. I hope. Cleaned the toilet while I was at things.
I am waiting on two return calls. My bank, which I called Monday, and SSA which was called today. My guess is that neither of those will call back. I will have to continuously call each. I may even be ignored completely without political help, say a congressman. Governor isn't the type or in that line. May just be out of ss. Things seem to have been decided, visits, paperwork, and the law means nothing to a muh feelz bureaucracy. Still, I'll give it what efforts I may.
Oh, and Walgreens, again, filled the dr.'s scripts without my consent... in spite of just having filled them and telling them NOT TO DO THAT. Oh, no refills beyond either, plus potassium still at 30 days. Why wouldn't I feel under a coordinated attack?
I'll keep at it, as I can. Some things were semi or fully completed. A bunch of things were started. I sure hope for a shower. Good night... Not bedtime, I won't be back today is all.
UPDATE: SSD did call back. SSI is gone. There are two slim chances at getting it back without reapplying. One is a ream or two of paperwork, the other is to go to the office with proof of veteran disability. I never can find the yearly award letter. Perhaps bank statements will do. It seems 100% total, permanent, means something to someone. I will, when I can, try both. Yeah... It's going to be lean here for a while. Fasting was written in on the menu. The schedule is simply accelerated and enhanced.
Yeah... as in a lame depressed yes, not a cheer or snark. Ah well.
Chances of action.
.
.
Good. Probability, either clinical or common, suggest it. Nothing yesterday, save cat care and food. Days are being stretched to business hours in a sustainable fashion. One call was placed Monday, as well as a scant several chores. Today? Set for more. Three calls, a shower and shave, trash out, a load or two smaller ones of laundry, and kitchen counters. Well, we will see. The efforts Monday was prep. I had hoped for yesterday but it is today so I will start where, when, I am... not where, when, I can no longer be. Nor will I lament. I will merely start here, now... if possible.
With food becoming regular again, on my own terms, I have begun moderating. Moderating? No. Dosing. Over the fast/feast divide, in a pleasant reasoned middle territory, cutting volume while shaping meal times is a simple trick. Three ounces of meat is way out, unless eating very often is desired. Six to nine is usually fine enough...that buys three to six hours. Not sure about incorperating fasting back in quite yet, but that is in the cards. Fridays, perhaps the whole weekends if Ican get back to that level. Plans.
Food isn't what it seems. I LIKE a food rush, specifically from some foods. Sugar starch, even too much protein, they can provide hits and highs. Beats drugs... if it actually is a drug. What, sometimes, I like better is starvation. Doesn't look like it, but I have gone without food for weeks at a time. That too can be it's own special sort of delicious. Neither way is profitable, most likely vestigial aspects of my varied native relations. Also a part of why I used to drink alcohol as I did.
A middle ground is being sought. Better to be where wisdom will profit the wise, innit Johnny.
A bit more gaming, then a shower, plus abum rush on several of those other chores, a break then back at it? That is the plan. Later.
Monday, October 2, 2017
A call.
.
.
When all is failing a call home provides... a moment. Don't know when that is gone, can't think about it. As rotten as family can be, what is vastly worse is no family. That is available today, and was employed. I didn't whine, just smiled and spoke well, as upbeat as was possible. She can't, shouldn't have to, deal with my toils. A boost I hope to yet employ.
Food, two meals. Gaming, to wake and maybe sharpen. A shower in an hour. A pre-shave with the trimmers shortly. A half dozen calls it is hoped, and some planning. Will give it everything available, perhaps borrowing from the future. So many things! One at a time. A list would be a best start, to begin triage. Later.
.
When all is failing a call home provides... a moment. Don't know when that is gone, can't think about it. As rotten as family can be, what is vastly worse is no family. That is available today, and was employed. I didn't whine, just smiled and spoke well, as upbeat as was possible. She can't, shouldn't have to, deal with my toils. A boost I hope to yet employ.
Food, two meals. Gaming, to wake and maybe sharpen. A shower in an hour. A pre-shave with the trimmers shortly. A half dozen calls it is hoped, and some planning. Will give it everything available, perhaps borrowing from the future. So many things! One at a time. A list would be a best start, to begin triage. Later.
Tricks and great effort yield little.
.
.
Extra pain, a deeper suffering, more confusion, so not without recompense. While numb as the dead I am feeling serious aches. As such goes it might be considered exquisite, miraculous maybe. Is that some sort of win? Or is not even contemplating surrendering the thing that might go into the win column. Even realizing I am here, again, all alone in the dark.
Staying awake worked right until it failed spectacularly. I ended up not sleeping for two days, then falling back to the broken schedule I was trying to escape. Why try what has so recently failed? Uhrm, for one, try try again. For seconds, at this point I'll scramble at any and every opportunity spotted, which is close enough to allow a good faith effort. Gotta get out of this place.
On the good side the ladies are being attended... if one realizes their cats are begging for simple attention. It's not that I mean to ignore. I... just can't focus, feel, see. Still, feeding, watering, and litter maintenance is minimal but sufficient for now. Food is also being handled for myself, with medicine started. Other efforts are in the works. I just need more daylight time and a voice in it. Working on that. Later or good night or day.
.
Extra pain, a deeper suffering, more confusion, so not without recompense. While numb as the dead I am feeling serious aches. As such goes it might be considered exquisite, miraculous maybe. Is that some sort of win? Or is not even contemplating surrendering the thing that might go into the win column. Even realizing I am here, again, all alone in the dark.
Staying awake worked right until it failed spectacularly. I ended up not sleeping for two days, then falling back to the broken schedule I was trying to escape. Why try what has so recently failed? Uhrm, for one, try try again. For seconds, at this point I'll scramble at any and every opportunity spotted, which is close enough to allow a good faith effort. Gotta get out of this place.
On the good side the ladies are being attended... if one realizes their cats are begging for simple attention. It's not that I mean to ignore. I... just can't focus, feel, see. Still, feeding, watering, and litter maintenance is minimal but sufficient for now. Food is also being handled for myself, with medicine started. Other efforts are in the works. I just need more daylight time and a voice in it. Working on that. Later or good night or day.
Saturday, September 30, 2017
Rebooting.
.
.
Starting from a better position is good and more. It isn't always, usually, an option. At this time that is so far from were things stand I can only chuckle. Still, every here and now has some potential. Medicine. Tonight. Set up for two weeks. One of the problems is that instead of a three month supply, there was only one month worth of potassium. I hate starting meds with any part short. When talking on the phone, or at all, at any point, is beyond my range then having to call the doc, pharmacy, then drive to get it? Still I have to try something.
Several attempts were made to sleep. With the old problems piled upon by the new sleep just won't happen. There was a mild hope themeds would help, if as an afterthought. Nope, if my body is twitching for sleep. Nerves are too jangled. Perhaps dinner might help. What can be will be done. Later or good night.
.
Starting from a better position is good and more. It isn't always, usually, an option. At this time that is so far from were things stand I can only chuckle. Still, every here and now has some potential. Medicine. Tonight. Set up for two weeks. One of the problems is that instead of a three month supply, there was only one month worth of potassium. I hate starting meds with any part short. When talking on the phone, or at all, at any point, is beyond my range then having to call the doc, pharmacy, then drive to get it? Still I have to try something.
Several attempts were made to sleep. With the old problems piled upon by the new sleep just won't happen. There was a mild hope themeds would help, if as an afterthought. Nope, if my body is twitching for sleep. Nerves are too jangled. Perhaps dinner might help. What can be will be done. Later or good night.
Friday, September 29, 2017
Worse.
.
.
Much worse. In every way. Everything that was wrong remains so and new things have been added. As well, my chest... The sensation of my heart being squeezed in a bureaucratic fist. It won't kill me, it is making it nearly impossible to work. I have been pushing into day but not functionally. I was going to make a few calls today but I couldn't talk.
I have been aiming to get to town or just place a few calls since Tuesday. Couldn't. If the chance appears... a request for help will be made. I simply can't do it all, alone, in time. Troubled and in trouble while I can't stand. They don't care, those with a beef. Or, maybe they do only the way a hungry predator cares about another wounded animal.
I'll keep... what... trying, hoping, praying, willing? All the above I suppose. A bad time in every way. I can rightly and easily say I have been in worse all around straghts, if it's been quite some time. Hey, friend, could you lend a prayer?
.
Much worse. In every way. Everything that was wrong remains so and new things have been added. As well, my chest... The sensation of my heart being squeezed in a bureaucratic fist. It won't kill me, it is making it nearly impossible to work. I have been pushing into day but not functionally. I was going to make a few calls today but I couldn't talk.
I have been aiming to get to town or just place a few calls since Tuesday. Couldn't. If the chance appears... a request for help will be made. I simply can't do it all, alone, in time. Troubled and in trouble while I can't stand. They don't care, those with a beef. Or, maybe they do only the way a hungry predator cares about another wounded animal.
I'll keep... what... trying, hoping, praying, willing? All the above I suppose. A bad time in every way. I can rightly and easily say I have been in worse all around straghts, if it's been quite some time. Hey, friend, could you lend a prayer?
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