Grilling then bedtime.

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I had other pork shoulders, want to try them before dismissing.  The last one may have been thawed too long.  Besides, other food will be grilled, so it isn't a waste.  I just hate to waste.  If I can't eat it, fine.  But if I can... only one way to tell.  Burgers, sausage, and lamb burgers, will also be going on.  Nothing fancy, but serviceable.

The cave is down to 71°.  Not bad, if oddly warm compared to how it had been.  It actually feels cold.  I will turn of the back fan when the meat is ready to go.  The grill has to be heated then cooled.  Worth the bother.  If I turn off the front fan, which pushes air out the front door, the places heats up.  With the back fan off, it stays static but seems warmer.  A strange weather has set in.

Blood sugar is staying reasonable.  I haven't figured out a tea replacement.  Though, perhaps, it doesn't need to be a total elimination.  Perhaps half a gallon of water and tea, a quart of on then the other, plus a quart of milk (already in practice, when remembered) and a quart of fatted coffee.  Still a lot of caffeine, but a start...

After dinner, bedtime.  I would already have gone to bed but I was hungry and remembered the thawed fresh meat.

Oh, I am going to begin tinkering with electrical.  I have lighting fixtures upstairs and outlets not working, as well as a gfci which I think is fake, or badly installed.  I have a good multitester, ordered a good clamp one plus a few tools and better leads.  I do need to track down a few other tools, to sort out the fuse box and a few other things, but... I am getting to things between when it is too hot, cold, and wet... it is hoped.  One success will lead to others.  Good night.

A life of pain.

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No large complaints.  Sleeping and sitting too much?  Something to do with being off meds, then beginning those again?  No great pains.  Something to do with the sides of my torso, as if the g.i. was backed up slightly or bloated, or after doing sprints until the sides split during football pre-season camp.  But not fresh, as if a week after, with days of rest.  Love handle aches...  Pretty much constant, if variable in intensity from mild to causing hair to stand on end if flexing that area too quickly without taking stock of, or preparing, the area.  For four or five days now.  No worries, just... constant annoyance, asleep or awake.  I don't think I sleep much in the summer.

Meds are going in more regularly.  Diabetes is being managed as possible.  With blood sugar being in the 160's at the absolute highest, and averages in the 120's... I am not sure there is more I can do, as is.  About that "as is" though.  Tea.  Whether as a cause for use of sweeteners, or as a caffeine source, there... it might be the last problem.  My problem?  I have difficulty drinking water, iced or room temperature.  A problem I am beginning to solve.  There must be an occasional additive.  I can drink some water.  Sometimes ice it.  But, maybe a couple quarts, three?  Then my throat goes so dry it hurts, swallowing more water becomes impossible, all while I remain parched.  I'll... look around.

And, it seems, summer has returned?  Something strange is happening.  It got down to 50° F last night, at least.  I didn't want to open up, it's work.  And being that cool, it isn't always needed.  But it was staying 75° in the main and 78° up front?  I finally relented, opened everything up at midnight, and it only barely made it down to 70° by eightish before starting to get warmer?  So very strange.  It hadn't been warming until ten to sometimes noon lately.  Very strange.

I have the place opened for the night.  Here, at 20:30, it is about 65°, and the sun has already set?  Mind you, there are mountains to the west... smaller, at some distance.  And, yet, I didn't realize the sun was already setting so early.  It is always a bit sad to see a summer end it's singular life.  There will be others, but none quite exactly the same.  And it was a good summer.  One of the best I have experienced, weather and temperature tolerance wise, since becoming ill.

On to a new day... if that is night to you.  Sleeping and my wake cycles are completely random still.  No idea what will happen, when.  I will seek any opportunity to act, clean, sort, or... anything positive, active.  Mostly I will resemble a cat out to sea, just keeping it's head above the water, if more passively after it's hatred of water and much of it's energy is spent... maintenance is all I have to me.  Later.

The questions exposed by their glance.

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What you view is how I hear.  Exploring questions as possible, in some order... if one which doesn't make sense, or immediate sense.  More curious than you in my own ways.  What will trip you up, which will you immediately grok, when will you come to your senses... or abandon them in horror, joy, truth, or other ways?

Never a word is uttered, if there may be sound available to you.  Written words, for my part.  Do the words ever echo in your ears as if, thundered from a great and terrible being, nearly whispered from a kind gentle sage or humble monk, or boldly stated or sung as by an erudite or foolish but bold Thespian?

Not always are answers developed.  The question, sometimes, often, is singularly enjoyed.  Perhaps, if questions persist, an answer may be groused if not always brought to ground.  The former is the case in this instance.  The questions suffice to be pleasures.  Sharing the fullness of perhaps a few as a gift for your attendance.

Not awake.

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Not asleep.  A horrible place between the two.  Unsure how to resolve it.

Everything is still off.

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From weather to sleep, hours up, diabetes... everything is odd.

Blood sugar is the lowest it has been in months.  I am using insulin as needed.  Some days simply require more frequent and or heavier doses, some days require nothing.  Blood sugar was 115 fasting this "morning".  My average has gone up to 130, strangely.  I don't mind a higher average for a lower fasting read.

I do wonder, however, as to whether blood sugar follows a circadian rhythm.  While my sleep patterns are often completely out of control, some aspect(s) of my biology attempt to follow a normal day and night cycle.  It isn't perfect, just more normalized.  I would have to do exacting precise tests, at regular times, even waking to test.  I don't think that is possible solo.  Still, I am pretty sure.

I need to reset medicine.  All new stuff, save insulin, is in. I need to check on that. If I run out, oh well?  I will be adding the smaller dose of heart medicine this week, then going full dose next week, if... reasonable.  I have only missed one, a morning, dose since starting.  I would have fit that dose in, but sleep patterns fell out from under my feet and control was lost.

Actually, I have to go back to bed.  Good day, afternoon... night.

With help.

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I got out today.  Finally.  Son number three, of the neighbor, visited last night, with the idea of visiting today?  It's how it goes.  I suggested we try to figure a way to move the vehicle.  As it turns out, I could get the Xterra out around the car.  Didn't need guidance, or to move the car, if it was good to have an outside observer.

I didn't, couldn't, sleep last night, so I had him drive.  A bit of various shopping.  Oh, and the address change at he dmv.  Plus a car wash.  He finished what he needed to do.  All good.  I accused him of deciding to not just letting me die.  If I chuckled while suggesting I have decades left.  Even if I happen to be stuck in my home for the rest of my time.

More business to do, but with a vehicle in the clear, and payday coming...

I couldn't sleep until afternoon in spite of returning well before noon.  I had both ac's on but it only got down to 70° up there.  It's warm down here.  I will open up a bit tonight.  And get out as the lawn gets a good solid drink.  I may finally mow the lawn this Friday or Saturday.

Blood sugar is being weird.  Very low most of yesterday while I can't beat it down today.  Though 168 isn't horrible, a dose while not eating should have fixed it.  I'll check it in a few more hours, then have eggs, bacon, and a fatted coffee... plus another dose if it's still up.

Another hour on trim areas, then a few hours watering up front.  Then, I hope, back to bed.  I am hoping to finish business tomorrow, which means an earlier rise, a shower, and more.  Always more, if that is a feature, not a bug.  I just wish I wasn't so stretched for it.  At least it is a wonderful night to be playing homeowner, lawnsman.  Later.

A broken tool.

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Had to be shattered.

Fall.

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It is hitting hard.  Still August and it was 74° at 18:30?  Crazy.  Oh, it's sunny.  Just very cool.  It is 72°, as a high, in the main, 75° up front.  When I woke from my second or third nap for the day, it was 72° at ~16:30, upstairs, with only the fan going.  I left everything else off, hoping heat would wake me.  Even with four blankets, I was freezing without careful bundling.

The ducks seem content.  The lawn is looking good.  I have been working, slowly, through the house, looking for the keys.  A shower shortly, and shave.  More digging through the place, and finishing laundry while starting a small batch of dishes and taking a load of trash from the sorting process out.  Bits and pieces.

I called my mother.  Their weather is unseasonably cool as well.  October like temperatures, in the mid 70's too.  And it is knocking her down a bit as well.  She tried to suggest grobal warbling, and I corrected.  If she wishes to believe propaganda, that is her choice.  I refuse to even tolerate.  She didn't fight, but she will keep her propaganda.  If she has received enough feedback to know what it is at this point.  She can save it for the lying dems in her life, for their cabal gatherings.

Still, it was good to speak.  And to know we aren't alone in our rough sleepiness.  After calling before,while she was napping and couldn't wake, I figured.  She didn't even remember I had called.  I understand that.  She was grilling sirloins tonight.  I hope they were as good as they sounded.

If I can stay awake, I will get to a few things.  I won't be opening the place up tonight, though I will keep two fans going.  I may start opening the place in the day!  So very strange.  It... isn't over.  I am not through.  Fire in the snow.  Be careful out there, lasses and lads.  Later.

Very odd.

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I had put the ducks in, locked them in.  But I had forgotten to turn off the water an hour more than planned.  As I was out fixing that, I realized the ducks were out.  And their pen was still shut, barred.  As well, it looks like they killed another mouse.  Must have had a bit of a fight?  I think they now protect their food.

What a bit of hunger will do?  I am proud of them!  The first, for sure, was drowned, it was too small to have gotten into the watering dish pan.  This one was flattened.  However, I don't like that it perturbed them enough to escape.  Not sure if they used windows, or were able to go over the gate.  I can close it all up though.  There are potentially nasty things out at night.

The other oddity is the temperature in here.  It was 45° outside, last I checked, but with the house open, even only gotten to 74°, it is still 70° in the main.  Very odd.  On 55° nights, it is usually down to even 66°.  I can heat the place, if blood sugar is high, with my metabolism, but at 96 blood sugar last I checked, it won't happen.  I should be cold, actually.  A very strange day.

Oh, the other strange thing was it was only 74° by midafternoon, 18:30~19:30ish?  I, from that, expected it to cool.  It did, outdoors.  Still 70° in the main, 68° up front.  Just curious, 72° upstairs with the stupid ac supposedly running.  I flipped both on, but to fan.  A very strange day.

Oh, blood sugar is to 78 two hours after the last read.  I ate, and had a fatted coffee, plus my tea, but without insulin.  Very odd.  Not feeling ill, so I'll let it go.  I'll have a fatted drink in a bit, and a few more eggs.  Then check it in a few more hours.  I just don't know how that works.  Fasting for days and it goes up, eating and it drops.

Later.

Sleeping.

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Every three to twelve hours, I have been crashing.  No dizziness or true failures.  Simple weariness handled easily with a little or a lot of sleep.  No dreams now.  Pain has disappeared.  Even hunger is something lost in the fog.  Diabetes is being weird, going up without eating.

As I can be aware, I attempt to work on medical and other needs.  Dosing as needed, when I remember to check, and or dose.  I finally boiled three dozen older eggs.  If my oldest eggs are fresher than the 'freshest' storebought.  I pickled two dozen.  I may boil another three dozen Sunday, pickling another dozen.  I need to water glass  (lime/lyme) some eggs too, soon.

A dozen or two as they are available.  It takes six to eight days to pickle.  With two different quarts, I'll get to try various strengths.  White vinegar this time.  I am hoping to try making a few deviled eggs from each batch.  I would like to get two jars put up for each month, then similar amounts water glassed.  As well, trying various recipes.  I might try some frozen.

I haven't been able to work for more than fifteen minutes every three hours.  I begin to fail.  Tire.  By work I mean sort materials while searching for keys.  Some organization is happening, though mildly.  I do what I can.  It isn't much.  If I had a booster button I would press it.

I'll... keep at it.  Hmm, you know, egg salad sandwich, using keto flatbreat, and maybe tuna?  Not fancy, but it's been a bit.  And, actually, with mustard, mayo, fresh ground pepper, garlic and onion, it... is a bit of a treat.  Would go well in a leaf of lettuce too.  If I had such.  Later.

At first blush...

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It seemed another attack.  If the first volley was as it seemed?

Breaking my balls?

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Couldn't miss it.  Something said?  Eavesdropping is rude.  Unless...

Really bad things.

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These are the spots in life which disturb the most.  If you have used, or been told, to hurry and shit or get off the pot?  Well, imagine if neither is an option?  Figuratively, mind you.  Yeah, live long enough and you will remember at least a literal happenstance.  Probably went through it as a child, many times.  But youth offers the grace of forgetfulness.

Here I am, stuck in a messy house, without keys to one vehicle, which is blocking the other.  To sick to look for fifteen minutes at a time.  Suffering internal organ, bone, and joint pains, with a minor fever a lot more often than usual but with aspirin having no effect save to thin my blood leading to frequent nearly unstoppable nose bleeds, unable to care for self or home, with blood sugar being weird, and seemingly unable to die or improve.  Days?  Weeks?  I can't remember.

Blood sugar is actually quite good.  At 115 fasting this morning.  But, after yesterday, at either 225 or 185 fasting, to 129 wake fasting, then back up to 169 after a tuna melt... of 14 (total carb)... It was crazy, for no good reason.  The first number seemed so high, I checked immediately again, which is why the "or".  It isn't too hot or cold.  I think it gets to 82°~84° outside, but without much effort is staying around 71°, maxing at 73° inside.  I am actually fearing winter this year, as things stand.

I believe one of the cats found the key fob, knocked it down, and kicked it somewhere.  I cleared an area, while looking, setting watches near where I was sure the key had been.  I found one of the watches on the floor this morning.  It ended being too clunky to be a good toe, so remains where it fell.  It's a start.

Later.

Something is off.

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I had to push to make it to noon.  It wasn't just exhaustion.  For the first time, other when I used to drink heavily, I became dizzy.  My strength of will, prayer potency, helped.  I was able to be mobile, with great stability, if slower than I prefer.  As well, a bloody nose happened with no cause.  It hit around 9:30.  So making it to noon was a challenge.

I wondered if it was blood sugar.  It was 122 fasting, 144 at 9:30 without having eaten?  It almost never goes up without calories.  I went in for a nap.  Three hours and change later, I forced my way awake.  It was a brutal struggle.  I am still fighting two hours after.  Dizziness returned and remained for about an half hour after waking but is gone.  It is just a heavy grinding weariness that remains.  The bloody nose remained until an hour after waking.

Blood sugar, again without food or insulin today, jumped to 185.  I had a small meal of walnuts and pecans, mixed.  And dosed with insulin.  I am hungry, but food, cooking, and such, just doesn't make sense.  Later.

Fixing sleep.

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Down at 1:20, up at 8:45 or so.  Each night for the last three I have reversed the trend by going to bed an hour or more earlier and waking earlier.  An hour?  Or two.  A change in medication, weather, or temps, and control will probably be lost.  Still, while I can, I will apply control.  It might be a war that can't be won, but individual battles... I will win sometimes, or for a while.

It was 64° upstairs, 68° in the main, 65° up front, and only at 58° outside.  I must admit, I was surprised.  It... is fall weather.  I can't be sure, especially with false temperature reads being perpetuated, and temperature history being altered, but this is more like October than even September.  It's good.  It's also very unseasonable.

Ah, the post, late?  Well, the videos kept flowing.  On and on.  I, even so, only picked a few out of... dozens.  The sensations remained as well.  If both the vids and feelings don't exist, nothing goes out.  As to sadness?  It isn't about that.  Not for me.  What if she and our child lived?  What are the odds we would still be married?  Slim, especially after my fall.  If we were, what would that be like, or mean?  A dry duty bound scarred hunk of faded love?

Anyway, it was put together before bedtime.  It was scheduled.  I was trying not to flood the market.  I may never remember her name, but she is back.  Or, as back as she can be.  Not a replacement for a woman, just with her own place.  A just place in my life.  I don't owe her my life, just a place in it.  Later.

Death proximity.

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I don't think even pseudo tech can intervene.  I do think I am close to death.  I don't believe that means I will die, probably... no luck so far, if past performance issues aren't a guarantee of future failure.  Just...  I am in very bad shape.  And she keeps visiting.  Or, I visit her?

Is that you?

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I have... strange friends.  Something something.  She vistits from time to time, but doesn't always say hi.  I usually get one of these, it's how I... suspect.

It isn't always her, just...  I am not sure if she likes the show, or if it is an accusation.  Both?  I just have to laugh.  She even used him as her avatar.  Had.  To.  Laugh.

And ask.  Is that you, foamy?

Not all of my ghosts are bad.  Good night.

Who... who is there?

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Strange responses.  A few thoughts interspersed.  Payment in full.

Friday?

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Time sure flies when meds and summer have me pegged, pinned, down.  I am comfortable, or as comfortable as possible.  Not bad, really.  Just not able.  I have been rather rough, actually, through back to winter.  But there is bad and there is worse.  While pain wasn't an issue, it too is returning.  Prayer and offering suffering for the positive disposition of souls, plus contemplation on the once and final tree of woe, are what is available.

Blood sugar is 131 fasting.  I ended dosing last night.  Two pork chops and a tiny chicken thigh jacked my blood sugar from 102 to 154.  But why!  Should not have done that.  Hmm?  Oh, a glass of milk too.  Perhaps it wasn't what or how much, but how often I ate?  At least a better start.

I keep making plans, for example to take three doses daily.  The problem is, when blood sugar drops to 83, or even 102, I don't dare dose.  Every time I attempt a plan, something contradicts the plan.  It is much like driving on snow.  Just as soon as you get it going straight, it makes a run for the ditch, other lane, or switching between.  At least boredom isn't an issue.

Ducks are out.  There was a HUGE spider in the door of the pen.  It had built a web that filled the whole front door overnight.  It had stubby little legs, or had them well tucked.  It's body was a fifty cent piece or so.  I didn't kill it but I made it clear, staying wasn't an option.  I like spiders, just not in the way.  This one would absolutely gobble flies from the duck droppings.  I hope it sets up shop a bit more out of the way.

A shower shortly.  Shave too.  Laundry and dishes.  Perhaps one more side yard area watering which gives the ducks an artificial rain.  As I water them at night, I usually give them a shower as well.  They love it, and it cools them off for the night.  I enjoy the critters.  And, to a degree... from a distance... they like me back, or enjoy the rain.

More.

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The cave has been cracked open.  It isn't dropping below 73°, but with fans, fresh air is a good thing.  It was 75° outside when I opened the place up.  I wasn't sure if the cave would warm up.  Still, I figured any heating would dissipate quickly.  It was right at the point when it will cool quickly.

The side yards have been watered.  The front yard is getting it now.  Stange how what is showing distress, up front, is the areas getting the most water.  No cutting is helping as well.  It isn't growing all that much, just enough to mow in a week or two.  Not mowing low helps.  No need for a medium setting.  As high as the deck will go is all needed, probably for the rest of summer.  Only in spring, if particularly wet, does a lower cutting height work.

Headaches, exhaustion, aches... not a great day.  Making it through.  I did end up grilling the pork chops.  And they were actually quite good!  The other pork cut was a shoulder blade, that may be it's problem.  I'll heat one of those and a chicken thigh for supper.

Blood sugar was 178 this morning.  I dosed heavy, then had a fatted tea.  Several hours after that it was 83.  I was already just eating a variety of nuts and a fatted coffee, and didn't feel bad.  Several hours further along and it is only at 102?  Obviously no more insulin.  Below 120~130, depending on what I am eating, I just don't dare dose.

Time to get a bite.  Later.  Might grab a shower and try to crash early.  If possible.
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Meant to be posted last night.