Brutal.

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But how would I live without pain?  My torso feels like it was used as a punching bag by the boxing team.  I hope their hands hurt!  But innards don't feel good either.  I've always wondered if... something happens when I sleep.  I have dreamed of fighting demons, and giants-nephilim/devils... kin.  I think I fought last night, and this last week.  Not happy with the direction I have chosen.  If, I am trying to get them to understand.  There is a price for teaching the Good Word to the damned, of choice or nature.  I... don't mind the pain.  Plus, I need to keep in shape.  *rictus grins*

Finally awake.

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Struggled to get down, struggled to wake.  Hurt asleep and awake.  I had been thinking I had gone to bed at 21:00, but by looking at posts, I guess not.  Down around 05:00 to 06:00?  Sometime in there.  If I had remember that, I wouldn't have struggled so hard to wake up!  I just hate sleeping too long.  I woke around 09:30?  Give or take a quarter.  Time is a thief!  It's one of the few situations in which a quarter is only fifteen!

Sassy was fed.  She was really hungry.  Not sure she should have been?  Can't remember.  But, she is fed.  I cleared her litter later last night, and through the day, so she is probably pretty good that way.  I'll check in a bit.

Kefir was reset this morning.  I have three full half gallon jars of the stuff, plus three quarts going.  I will eat on those like a pig, until I am satisfied, then cut back consumption and production.  I'll put just a tablespoon or too of grains in one, add milk to two thirds, and put it in the fridge... after washing it out so that it is a very slow process.  Then, once or twice a month, pull that out and reset that.  Keeping it as stock.  I'll tie it to every bed remake, mattress reroll... which I have been doing weekly and rather well, regularly.  It is good to live well, and sleep cleanly and neatly.

I am having three cups of the stuff for breakfast.  Might have as much later.  I really enjoy kefir.  But it has been hard to produce enough, and keep on top of it.  I think this is the way, if consumption will naturally wane, at times.  Still, I could probably enjoy three cups a day, on any given day, and maybe average more like five cups a day?  A 280 pounder has... more nutritional needs, like it or not.  Now, it isn't as bitter as I prefer it, but I am not fully used to it yet either.  So, this works.

Today?  Trash out.  A shower.  Trimming and shaping the beard... I'll see how it looks.  Roasting the pork shoulder blade roast.  And just keeping up on the little things.  I still hurt, terribly.  Innards, mostly, here and there.  Arteries in the neck have... soothed.  Headache is lighter, and hit or miss.  Ribs are okay.  Shoulder sockets hurt... I think that has become a permanent issue.  Stomach is just a bit out, the whole g.i. tract really.  Perhaps kefir will help that.  Or, maybe, kefir is what could be doing things, as it... does it's magic.  It is a chemical type cleanser.  Anything that has been there a while will cause problems.  It will rip and tear until it clears out the old and bad and replaces it with new, aggressive, and powerful.  Or... so they say.  Though what it did to corn, even without having been on it for a long time, is sort of proof to me.  Pulverized corn, save that very last batch.  But as much as I ate, that was fair enough.

I will be watching my spending this month.  The only thing I want to add to, is my freezer meats.  I would love to find hamburger, and can some of it.  But, not this month.  I need to soothe my finances for a few months.  I have been spending like a blind fool, if for the right reasons, and buying the right things... food.  Inflation is only going to get worse.  Even if, somehow, repugnants actually stop enough of the cheating to allow democracy, for what that is worth, they won't do a single thing.  Go after Hunter?  Whatever.  How does that help anyone?  How about going after boards and CEO's of major corporations who are under the Chinese thumb, and damaging Americans for both their greed?  How about shutting down anti-American bureaucracies?  How about balancing the budget, ending the fed, or some other such things?  No?  I didn't think so.  Navel gazing, while they make fortunes backing corrupt corporations and bureaucracies.  I'm not voting in the midterms.  I'll wait for the only vote that may count.

Grumpy?  Not all that much.  Just practical.  Keeping cheering for your team.  Keep voting for your guys.  Keep hoping in one hand, shitting in the other, and keep being surprised at which one gets full faster.  Check.

Later.

Odd things before bed.

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I kept contacting amazon, about pumpkin puree I had ordered.  I contacted the seller, then went on to contact amazon after they wanted a picture of... the missing product?  A, I don't do pictures, b) how... can I photograph what... isn't here?  After going around with them, I contacted amazon.  And... nothing.  So, I went back in today.

They made it so that I could call, and I did.  They tried to get me to accept that it could still be on the way.  But a week late, I don't think so.  Two weeks now?  Time flies when you are working with some folk.  No, I didn't accept that.  So, they gave me a complete refund.  I... would have accepted a partial.  But, okay.  I won't argue this, as much fuss as this has been.

But, I don't want money, I want pumpkin puree.  So, I went looking, found another package, and ordered it.  I think it was a little cheaper, but the same amount, and same brand.  Hopefully a different seller.  This time it was clear how much I am supposed to get, the other was presented in... and odd way.  Will see if this works.

Then I received more information.  Someone is busy, for they are preparing to wed.  Okay.  I wondered why I hadn't seen hide nor hair.  Once... that happens, friends are dead to newly married guys for a while or sometimes forever.  It is just the way it goes.  I wished him well.  He suggested he would see me, but... I know how these things work.  Not a judgement.  Been there done that, or close enough, myself.  Not even begrudging, simply... understanding.

I do hope they have a wonderful life, a marriage that lasts their life, some healthy children, and all the good and bad that goes with it.  I wish them the best.  But, life... marriage is a joyful start to death.  Just understand that.  Death to the nuclear family, to some friendships, to other things, projects, and such.  But a natural and right one.  The world narrows, as it should.

Anyway... I'll... figure some things out.  But... bedtime now.  If with a few more things sorted out.  All good.  Goodnight.

No more food, or insulin.

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Even so, blood sugar is down to 145.  Not perfect, but... given all... not bad.

I'll do a bit more gaming, perhaps tomorrow.  But, it... pretty much looks like I am done.  I could research the Riddler problems, but... why?  I could try to do some of the challenges.  Some might be possible, some just aren't.  I'm not willing to stress too much for a game.

I am surprised I got as far into the game as I did.  I did finish the main part.  And most of the side quests, some of the challenges, and even a number of the racing requirements.  But, it looks to be done?  There is new game plus, but if it does as some games, and gets more difficult?  Not sure I am up for that.  Still, it's... possible, to try to do some lessor things, and fill out the skill trees.  Don't know, may try it just to see.

I had planned to bake another pork roast, but... time was running short.  I figured I'd be heading to bed shortly.  Up a bit longer than planned, but not long enough to have cooked the roast.  So probably a good call.  Now I can sleep when I want, as I am able, and really shortly.

Still a bit rough.  Feels like g.i. discomfort.  While not pleasant, it isn't as bad as what it has been.  Pain killers won't help with this.  Oh, the reason I ordered aspirin, online, is because it costs at least that in the store, plus  this is delivered.  And I read up on how much to take.  The suggestion I read was a single 350 mg tab.  Chewed as I had heard.  But... I would probably go with more.  Two or three, from what I used to hear.  I don't trust more modern medicine.  A lot of their research is bought and paid for.  I suppose, these days, going with one might leave you in worse condition, but leave you in their hands... to help or dispose of at their whims.  Depending on if you are valuable, or have been, to those choosing, or not.  Well, and whether your organs are viable for transplant.  Medicine isn't what it used to be, if it ever really was.

I best take slow acting insulin, and pills?  Crap, I missed those today.  Well, one dose in.  And, another when I wake.  I'll just have to take an extra dose tomorrow.  Always missing out somewhere.  Still, keeping up on kefir, Sassy... feed and litter, my own consumption, and even medicine, mostly, lately.  Gotta miss from time to time, especially when I go downhill for a bit.

Sleep well.  Goodnight.

Well, okay?

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Checked blood sugar.  It was... 164.  I... wasn't expecting that.  Even with the insulin, I suspected it would be 200, 300 maybe, perhaps higher.  I hadn't even anticipated it being the same.  That was a lot of insulin.  If not completely beyond the pale.  A bit more than I would normal choose, for that blood sugar level, and a keto meal.  With a glass of milk, if I was going unketo, or a donut or two, I would have done similar.  Though I may have gone with as little as, say, 8 to 10 cc's.  It... just... I sort of go with my gut, with what I am eating, and how blood sugar has been.

Though, currently, there isn't a trail for blood sugar.  I have only been back on insulin, and testing, the last two days or so.  Still, this is... very good.  If I would, now, like to snack on something, and take a minor dose.  Nothing unketo, such as milk, potato, or even... well?  I am thinking, perhaps, some celery, carrots, and just a dab of peanut butter.  The trick is to not digging into the jar like a fourth grader digging into his nose!  Gold in them thar hills.  :p  A tablespoon,  two?  Two.  And, just... four or five celery sticks (I buy them as shorties) and maybe a dozen baby carrots (sure have gotten small, lately).  That and 10 cc's?  Check.

Well, on to things.  Then back to gaming.  Ugh.  Already 17:22!  Bleh.  I had hoped to be to bed by now.  But there is no way I can sleep.  Oh, but I did get the smoke out, mostly.  And the house is closed back up.  It was 48 out there, but pleasant for it.  Anyway... on to a snack, a bit more insulin, gaming, and... bed when I can.  Good afternoon, day, and most likely (or... not actually) goodnight.

Nearly at the end of the game.

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There are some things I can't do.  The last Riddler contest.  I haven't tried it, but I have reviewed it from others who have done it.  I simply don't have the ability to do it.  The Firebug, or whatever.  I can't keep up with the last two or three of his appearances.  The vehicle simple isn't fast enough, doesn't corner or control well enough, and there are no more upgrades which might help.

There are a few more portions I may be able to do.  Maybe two or three major elements left to play.  But much simply is beyond my skills, knowledge, or abilities.  I will finish what I can, in the next day or so.  But, the game will not be completed.  I just wish there was a game without so many elements, especially poorly crafted ones.  The driving absolutely sucks, and isn't worth trying to finish.  As well, certain puzzles just... aren't reasonable to attempt to complete.  I have tried every tool and method I know.  Beyond not finding a way, even if I have tried the right way, perhaps it takes more of an exact method, or the use of the batmobile somehow.

Oh well.  I have mostly done what I can with the game.  And I am already playing on easy mode.  Which... doesn't have any affect on things like driving.  So contests and elements connected to it just aren't affected by difficulty settings.  So be it.  I could only give this game, say, about a 4 out of 10.  I couldn't imagine anyone actually getting through this game, as a casual or even semi-serious, very experienced gamer.  I don't even know who could finish this game.  But I can't.  Not even going to try some things, like the challenges, and the final aspects of the Riddler's challenges.  Actually, just the last one.  I made it through the rest, but can't do that final one, won't even try.  Way... too complex.  Don't believe me?

A few things.

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Sealing the doors, front and back?  I wasn't sure that would make much difference.  I wasn't sure that is where the majority of drafts were entering.  I just... didn't know.  But it was a start.  The neighbor did it.  We... had to think on it.  Offer suggestions.  But, got it done.  And?  And it really did help.  Even with it being 20 outside, this front room is still hitting 72... with the computer on, me in here often enough, and the furnace at 68?  Okay.  That's... different.

Another thing?  I feel like... people are angry at me again.  Not sure why.  What... did I do, or not do, this time?  Perhaps I am too sensitive?  When you live alone for a very long time, you note... everything, about other people, when interacting with them.  Right or wrong, though.  I know I... see things that aren't necessarily there.  If, too, I see things other people don't see.

I called my mother this morning.  If I didn't mention.  She is feeling slightly better, as am I.  I would guess we both feel about similarly under the weather.  That is just how it goes, some days.  I prayed another small prayer for her, after checking in.  No, not a boast, just an indication of what to do.  Prayers are effective.  Either in healing, or preparing for otherwise.  I did order aspirin.  The stuff I had in the cabinet is gone.  I know it was there.  Fresh, ordered about six months ago.  Someone "borrowed" it.  Left the other stuff, oddly.  But the other stuff isn't... good for general use or most people.

Three jars of kefir have been set up.  I will run that for two days, then change one out and clean it.  Will see how things work with that.  I want at least two and a half of those half gallon jars filled, before beginning consumption again.  With a portion of kefir nearly ready, in the little jars.

I will make another pork roast, this afternoon.  The old one is probably nearly done.  Will test that, in a bit.  Fresh veggies, pork, and a twice baked potato with some of the creme fraiche.  I want to see how that tastes.  As well, I will be checking blood sugar spike with that meal.  The veggies and pork shouldn't lift it too much, but the potato might.  A forty to sixty spike can be normal, even for keto food.  My body isn't isn't good shape.  But if it's a hundred or more... two hours after the meal, then... no.  Will see.  Then again, I need to, eventually, check the spike with a once baked potato.  Bleh.

Back to gaming a bit.  Getting through it, if not figuring some things out myself.  I have gotten a bit too tired to do that.  I can look the puzzles up, and then do them.  Mostly.  Sometimes there are... mechanical aberrations within the solution that aren't foreseen.  But, generally, I can get it done.

Water, for the next few hours, then food.  Checking before, an hour after, and two hours after.  With a dose of fast acting.  I haven't decided on how much, but at least 20 cc's.  Maybe up to 30?  I... with think on it.  Though, in part, that will depend on what my blood sugar is at the start.  If it is below 150, 20 cc's will be closer.  If it is still 217 as it was at fasting?  Then... 30, or closer to that.  If it is 250, 30.  Everything is sort of subjective, if within an objective algorithm.

Time to put a potato in... for about half an hour.  And ready the pork and veggies.  To be cooked for the last ten minutes it takes to warm the potato.  I am hungry.  Later. 

Not sure when I woke.

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Still rough.  Things are off.  Better than the last time I woke.  Strange new pains though, as if my lower rib cage had been pulled out, or punched in.  Something.  The other pains remain, but aren't as potent.  Nausea has passed, mostly.  I may take another pain pill.

I did call my mother, to check on her.  I didn't bother her with my ills, just checking on her.  She is doing better, but still a bit off.  I'll just say another prayer for her, and keep checking on her.  I do worry about the old girl.  Not a lot I can do, but I can pray, and listen.  It... helps.

Dairy is in, so I'll hit kefir.  It was ready by about when I went back to sleep, but I didn't have any milk.  All good though.  The kefir grains are plentiful enough, and potent enough, to churn out kefir in a single day.  But, I have been drinking beyond production.  I need to hold off, until I get more stored.  Love that stuff.

A fatted coffee, maybe some pork and veggies, but smaller amounts.  While not nauseous in the main, a little too much food could easily push that.  Buttered well steamed veggies, and just two 1/4 inch slices of the roast, plus a big glass of water, should actually settle that.  Should.

Well... on to a few things.  Good morning, and day.

On back to bed.

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Not as early as hoped.  Not as well as hoped.  Still, on back to bed.

Oh, I'll check for aspirin on my way to bed.  Might use the bathroom on my way anyway.

Still a bit of an upset stomach, and other things.  Not pains, more mixed up, as if I ate something I shouldn't have, in spite of definitely not having done so.  Sort of like a flu, in which the mind is upside down, a bit, for the bug.  It's not a flu, not sure what it is.

I never was able to play the game.  Or much else.  Meh.  Goodnight.

Not exactly sure how it is done.

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Video pops.  New, old, different.  Poignant, at least to my eyes.

A visitor.  She says things, but... only from a safe distance.  Years, and miles.  But I know who.  I know her.  I still think of her.  And know, from these things, she still thinks of me.  How strange, women.  I'd like to believe the women I have known have been of the odder sort.  But I... don't think that is true.  I have just known a lot of them.  A types, and others.  But this one... was... different.

Difficulties.

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Have you have ever been hit, punched, or knocked somehow, in the back of your head, just above the neck, right in the mold point of your skull.  I have.  And that is what it feels like happened.  Sometimes, when I would fight, I would either be against bigger guys, or more of them.  And that sort of hurt would hurt for... a while, win, lose, or draw otherwise.

As well, my sternum hurts, as if I got hit there.  Only on the inside, no bruising outside.  So I didn't run into something, and forget.  That happens.  And when you weigh 280, you... can hurt yourself.  This?  I don't know.  I think stress.  As well, the arteries on both sides of my neck still feel stressed.

I suspect it is all just from being so... angry.  Or at least intent.  I was not going to be racially bullied, or otherwise troubled, by bureaucrats.  And, it was a long buildup.  I still can't believe I forgot tags for a whole year.  Very strange.

Anyway, I did get to bed earlier. It was 17:15, exactly, when I went down.  If I was so tired already by then that I could have gong to sleep an hour earlier, had I the presence of mind to do so.  I... just got lost in thought.  And I just woke at a 22:15, or so.  More because I hurt in weird and numerous places.  I am fearing a stroke, to be honest.

After getting some regular painpills in, and waking just a bit, I will see if I have actual aspirin around.  If you have a heart attack, or stroke, or fear that, grab a couple of those and chew them up.  Bitter, sure, but... they can easily manage those things short term.  May keep you from dying, or even getting more severely injured.  Can't stop or cure everything, but a bit of a miracle drug that way.  I just want to keep them... on hand, ready.  If I don't have them, I will have to get some.

The thing about aspirin, is plain, it goes rancid, and potentially toxic, in a year.  Coatings may help, and mixes may make the bottle last longer.  Check the label.  But don't take out-of-date aspirin.  I'll be checking my supply.  I prefer it with caffeine.  And I don't think that is a problem, with regards to my reason to keep such.

So stressed.  Since I am sure I haven't been beaned with a sap, blackjack, club, or fist, I am guessing this is just... a bit of a chemical and physical reaction to stresses and emotions.  That it took over a month to be awake at the right time, dressed, able to get there, and else... it built up.

I am hoping the pain pills work, and in  a bit I can go back to bed.  I had to remake the bedding, after tearing it apart this morning, but that is all good.  I slept as happy as a bug in rug near the fireplace.  Was good until someone stepped on me!  :)  Still, hopefully, back to bed before long.  And, hopefully, with my aspirin upstairs, near me.  Just in case.  This is the worst I have felt in a rather long time.  I wonder if my heart pills make getting angry, upset, too focused, a health hazard?  I've never felt this bad after such in my life.  And, sometimes I do get a bit buzzed about things.

Oh, I feared blood sugar, but that was 125.  Not fasting, was only down five hours, and had something before bed.  But, still, or even better, a very nice number.

Whatever.  I'll look around the web.  Check on aspirin.  And maybe play the game a bit.  Have a good one, or... not.  Be well, or die well.  If you must die, die in grace, or as much grace as you are capable of being in.  Later or goodnight.  

--------

Nausea, too, now.  Just deserts, I suppose?  Death is deserved, by one and all.  Of course, before that, suffering.  Life hurts.  Survival is painful.  If you are living on the edge of easy?  You are living on the suffering of someone else.  Heck, even as I live in extreme discomfort, I... know... I too live on the suffering of someone else.

From those who pay taxes, to those who defend rightly, to those who make, do, fix, manage.  Understand, I do.  I don't... always... show gratitude.  But it is there.  Right or wrong, I will live until I don't, as long as required.  I still think about the notion, in the bible, when it discusses the idea that for six months, people will suffer, but death will flee them.  It is right at about 35 years of that for me.

Then again, I... when I get too down... I look at the crucifix.  I examine the wounds, from even before He was nailed to it.  I examine the wounds from His placement on it.  And the final wound.  More, I contemplate my guilt, for sin, and imagine taking that on for every mortal who was, is, and will be.  Okay.  Perspective helps.  As to belief?  Once you have been there, denial is quite difficult.  Once you have seen the other side?  You know.  No longer a faith issue, if other things require it.  Faith, for me, at this time, isn't about belief.  It is about allowing me to act, or not act, rightly.

Even so, I sin.  Even if just, mostly, in thought.  Just... thinking out loud as I agonize in dying flesh.  Unable to quite cross that river.  Unable to leave the shore.  Death, surely, flees.  My own kin?  I suggest so.  One of them, actually several forms of death... brother... uncles...  Yes, more than one angel is connected with death, as is, likely, one particular nephilim.  Stories, of course.  But stories are only true, not true, or partly true.  They aren't... just... tales.  Always.

Later.

So sleepy.

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I never did get down for a nap.  And, now, I want to wait... for bedtime.  Nearly sleeping in my chair, but... not quite.  Coffee!  That... could help.

Plans.  Now that I have done very well with kefir, derivatives of kefir, custard, and other things?  I... want to do more.  The next two things on my list are hollandaise sauce, and creme brulee.  With the hollandaise, however, I will make keto 90 second rolls, though I am going to try to do them in the oven, rather than the microwave.  I can cheat on keto, just not every time, every day, every week even, or even every month.  Two months in a row is not preferred, but I have the future.

A few things.

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I did undo my bed, and set the mattress on their sides, and flipped a bit.  I try to ensure I remake the whole bed, not just redo covers, once a week.  Plus, flip the mattresses.  As well, if I remember in the morning, I set the mattresses on their edges, and turn a fan on them.  I got tired of living like a dog.  Now I live like the dog of a king!  :)

I called mother.  She was not feeling well.  Too tired, and ill, to talk.  I let her go, then said a short prayer for her.  I'll keep her in my prayers, for this matter, for the next few days.  Getting old is tough.  Being ill, while old, is doubly difficult.

I did a few other things.  All good.  Hmm, I think I will feed Sassy again, and deal with her litter boxes.  Probably only one has been used though.  Gaming, but so tired myself.  I may try to make it to noon, then get a nap in.  If I can't make it to noon, I'll just enjoy an early nap.  

Ah, medicine.  I almost forgot.  Morning medicine down.  All good.  And it is still actually morning.  Even better.  Prefer it first thing, but before noon is good.

Oh, another thing?  I am starting to check everything I consider ordering from amazon.  I was considering candy and a regular instant read thermometer.  I had several in the bag.  While electronic (which is actually a negative), while shopping, I saw some mechanical (not needing batteries) of the same or similar type.  Only, for sure, these could be calibrated.  Two different types I was looking for were found for less than $8, where on amazon they were $13 or more per.  Yes, I really have to look around.  Not looking for bottom dollar, necessarily.  But these were the same brand/type.  Bottom dollar gets... everything it pays for.  If top dollar doesn't do better.  Middling.  On almost everything.  There are a few things which are worth every penny of high cost items.  Very few things though.  Most are merely branded trash.  They don't even, often, use better leather, or actual craftsman, on high priced hiking boots, for example.  Though some of it is paying higher prices for Western workers.  Sometimes that can be of value, sometimes not.

There is just one thing I want to do in the game, before going to bed.  Even just figuring out how to find the  things, would be nice.  I don't need to do them all.  Later.

Awake.

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Sore, very late, quite weary, and in pain.

I... woke... ish... a bit ago, and hour or a bit more now.  I looked at the alarm, hitting the snooze to light the thing up.  I... couldn't tell what I was reading.  Usually I shut my phone off, but last night I hadn't.  So, I grabbed it, lit it up, and looked.  7:06.  On the alarm, I couldn't tell if it was a 1 or a 7.  Though I wasn't completely certain I was actually awake.  This seemed... quite late.

I went down around 21:30 last night, I think.  Up that late because I still had adrenalin running through my system from earlier in the day, and really, a build up from through the month.  And, really, through the year, or two.  But... fine.  I couldn't sleep until then.  Still, that was a long sleep.  Getting to the store, too, sort of burned me out, on top of else.  Putting away groceries.  The shower.  All of it.

When I say I get out three times a month, that is maximum.  This last month was twice and this last time was only from necessity, or so I thought.  I still don't understand how I didn't realize I was a year late on tags?  Crazy.  I must not have gotten a notification, or lost/forgot it?  Dunno.

Blood sugar was high today, because I did bad food yesterday.  Sandwiches aren't the best, given the bread.  But it was the donuts that...  Hey!  I only had six.  Last time it was a dozen.  So... shut it.  *grins*  I took insulin last night, and with the breakfast sandwich, took a larger dose.  Still, gotta be careful.

I think the kefir is ready to switch.  It really is moving right along.

I did try buttermilk with raw milk.  It DOES make creme fraiche, but it is so water, that straining it leaves only, say, a quarter of what was started with?  Not... efficient for use.  Only use cream for that.  Or, that is my take.  I will be trying the various creme fraiche versions this week.  I have potatoes, but also salad and am thawing burger... for taco salads.  Creme fraiche would do nicely on both of those.  And, I may figure out a soup, into which to use the c.f. instead of sour creme.  Maybe a keto version of beef stroganoff?  Right.  I want to see how it works, does, tastes, hot and cold, and both versions.  The life of a budding chef alchemist is... joyous!

On to a cup of coffee, some gaming, and... I don't know.  Probably a mild day.  Too tired.  It was 20, out there, this morning.  In the upper 50s, almost sixty, upstairs, with the door open and the vent now unblocked.  I slept so warm, though, my balls itched a might lot this morning.  Very strange, but okay.  Maybe the higher blood sugar, too?  It can do t hat.  And adrenalin still coursing, that can do it... takes a while for adrenalin to exit.  My body loves the stuff, used to it, almost addicted.

I just put out my order for dairy goods.  Trying to stay on top of things.

Good day.  Later.

Good shot, old boy.

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.

I did get to town.  I did get to the place I needed to be.  It only... took a month and an half since realizing it needed to be done.  Oh well.  Done it was.  On one hand?  I didn't need to worry about being out of date, on my registration.  Somehow, I didn't... register last year?  At first I thought they just had it wrong.  But, after checking my vehicle, yep... '21 tags.  So... I went a year without up-to-date tags?  How the hell did that happen?

Never mind.  It is set up, and done.  There is a different way, so I'll have to sort that out yearly, it seems.  And, the fellow who is the boss, there (he looks very different from the last time I saw him though, very... strange).  He... helped, greatly.  I was huffing and puffing and, distressing.  So he took care of something.  And we sorted other things out.  But he wouldn't tell me who his boss is.  Still, if I have the other way, I will use the other way.

I replaced the tags, or really just put the new over the old.  Then headed to the grocery store.  Yes, I was... hot.  But, not too... hot.  Hot enough it was clear I was hot, but without suggesting violence, mostly.  Anyway, on  to the store.

I small bundle of groceries, to see me through.  They aren't making salads, as they used to.  So, I am just buying preshredded romaine lettuce, with purple cabbage and carrots.  Onion, meats, cheeses, fresh veggies, and a few other things.  Small amounts, just enough to add to my freezer larder, and to carry me through to payday.

Oh, but a few treats, including hard and genoa salami, and bread, for a sandwich.  I had one, might have to have another.

I was angry.  Very.  I shouldn't get that angry.  It... hurts my body.  My neck aches, the arteries that run through.  Things got pressurized in there.  While I didn't... mean to get angry, that is what allowed me to get out, and get things working.  I swear, they knew I was coming.  And they suspected I might be furious.  Handled it very well.  What can I say.  Still easing back from it.

Yes, another sandwich!  Maybe some gaming.  Just a bit?  So tired, though, from the anger coursing, then draining.  All good.  Oh... but... who... is this what you see?  I... saw this, and it made me think someone... saw me and this and... connected things.  Seriously, if my hair is a bit longer.  Later.

Ah, there was that too.

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There was another reason to go to bed.  Electricity went out.  I had forgotten, because I was already falling.  It, if reported correctly, was out for two hours, and exactly at the time they had said it would be out yesterday, or the day before.  Which... means they just changed the day they were doing the work and didn't bother forewarning anyone.

Anyway... some coffee, now, then a shower?  Shower first, I think.  Later.

Crashed.

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Had to take a nap.  Sleep was required, for whatever reason.  A few hours down, three, nearly four.  On waking, I felt... odd.  So I checked blood sugar.  It is 75?  Very... strange.  I have been... conservative with dosing.  I did take some with the pork and broccoli, but 8 cc's.  I'm having another cup of kefir.

I suggested, to myself, that maybe the kefir will raise the blood sugar.  But, truth is, I... just like the stuff.  Even if I use it down a bit fast, almost any excuse to consume it might lend to it being consumed.  As well, I am making a fatted coffee.  If I am being very careful with how much sweetener I use.  Three drops only, in a quart.

Now, though, to shower, and see if I can dry and get to things.  Not certain, must try.  The world isn't built on certainties.  It is built on doubts and hopes, risks, and their rewards, and a lot of people heading toward hell in some strange hope of heaven, or at least the hedge that there is no heaven.  Thankfully, I am no longer a party to that, if even then my way to heaven is not sure, and I live like I want to go to heaven, but that may still fail.  Anyone who is certain they are going to get to heaven may end up in an infernal situation.  Even I may be among them.  I don't bring certainty to a court of divine justice.  I... believe that is a losing battle.  God has infinite forgiveness, but it is at His whim.  Don't doubt that.  I have seen over that edge, I... know to...  fear and respect my Lord.  Know I am not good enough, can't be.  And that if I get to heaven, it is His will, not mine, or anything I can do, but... surrender to His Mercy.  Priest, pauper, king, pope, it... doesn't matter.  And don't think being declared and praised as a saint, by any church, that if God says no the church will win.  It won't.  If you live in a true family, ask your mother and father for something.  If your mother says yes, your father says no, see who will win that if they are both emphatic.  Father knows best, at least in a right family.  So it is in heaven.

Anyway... Yea, a bit of coffee to wake, the kefir is already down.  Then to a shower.  No more beard trimming or shaping, today.  So... just need to wash, dry well, get dressed, and see if I can make it out.  Good afternoon and day.

Some starts.

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Sassy was finally fed.  She... was very happy about it, but not with the amount.  It IS the normal amount, but not the normal frequency.  I'll check her litter shortly.

It looked like kefir was really, and it... actually was.  The grains must be getting stronger.  They don't look any stronger.  But they churned the near quarts of milk to kefir in a single day.  That using raw whole milk.  A fluke?  The last batch took three days.  Maybe.

I was planning, yesterday, on adding an extra quart for curing kefir.  Glad I forgot.  Two quarts a day, daily, will be far too much.  As a fact, I may cut back to one quart, if the kefir grains spit it out that fast.  As well as keeping up on a spare in the fridge.  Just of a tablespoon of kefir grains, in a pint of milk, put in without allow any fermentation, then redone every other week to once a month.  May go to a quart, if that turns too fast.  Trying to keep a spare, just in case, but keep it good.  Ugh.

I am having pork roast and broccoli.  Heating now.  I just had a cup of kefir, might have another.  Plus a dose of insulin.  Blood sugar spiked, to 195?  I must have abused the "keto" sweetener.  If I use too much, it can jack blood sugar.  Not always, or even the majority of time.  Sometimes.  Rather lightly this time, or rather larger that.  I would do without but I... need it.  I just need to remember moderation as key.  Yes, yes, mother.  Sure thing, pops.  I know, but reality is more than knowing, or even doing.  Sometimes... it is impossible to color completely within the lines, if for no other reason that the outside seems more fun, just because, on a given wild hair day.

After brunch, I'll get a shower going, then dry off as I game a bit.  Out today?  Maybe, maybe not.  Will know shortly.

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That was tasty.  Cooking the pork, over the steaming veggies, allows the fats to render into the veggies.  I still drain, then add butter.  But, the flavor added remains.  Another cup of kefir, just because.  I won't do that, usually.  Just a cup a day.  But the bounty was fast and large, so a bit extra, for my good deeds, was a treat spared to the house ogre.

By the by, I actually think kefir smells like... a woman.  You may think that strange.  I certainly thought it strange, when I realized it.  Not a perfumed poodle, but a... natural scent they give off.  It's sort of lightly floral with a bit of a... citric fruit smell, a cross between lemons and oranges?  Something.  Not... strong, just... earthy.  Delightful.  Not... necessarily edible, but it doesn't taste quite like it smells.  *digging hole, chuckling the whole time).

It sounds like it is raining.  Must be above freezing?  If I can get out, when I get back, I may try to pick up sticks in the back yard... pile what is there.  I can't cut it, don't have the juice.  As well, perhaps, clean up the area.  No mowing, but maybe that.  If I do go to town, if I am too tired to do it today, hopefully tomorrow?  We will see.

I best get a shower, and get more rightly dressed for the day, and a potential outing.  Lord knows, everything is a trick when I am this sleepy.  Stayed up too late, even if with good cause.  And woke pretty early, in spite of it.  Still, doing what I must, and can.  Sometimes those come to a strange sort of loggerhead.  All good, life wasn't meant to be easy, once we left the house of God.  Choices.  Consequences.

If I get out, some shopping would be good.  Small cheese blocks, butter, veggies, salad, and sour cream.  Until I am sure about the creme fraiche, I have... needs.  Though I will check that, too.  Plus, compare the various items.  Oh, there was a spice I needed for homemade ranch dressing.  I'll have to look it up.  And, I might get a small chunk of blue cheese, or gorgonzola... of such.  I am pretty sure, with the base for the ranch, with no spices, and one of those latter cheeses crumbled into it, I would be in a little heaven.  And, I have those keto crackers, to crumble in lieu of croutons.  Actually, they are croutons, just ones that don't aggravate diabetes.  Yes, some shopping, but light.

As well, I need to pull some meat to thaw.  I finished the chicken and am nearly done with the pork roast.  A roast lasts a week, even two really.  I am eating less, and targeting specific things, smaller amounts, and else.  I... have given up on losing weight, but not on eating better.  It is what, and how, it is.  I can only do my best.  Later. 

An early rise.

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It wasn't until 21:30 when I got to bed, give or take small change.  Waking at 04:00, give or take the same.  Small change being less than a decade of digits.  Not... in the best shape, but I have things to do.  First was to void like a racehorse.  But that isn't what drove me to wake.  There is room in the last pee jug.  Though, I have been using it only once or twice a night, and mostly once this week.  It's not as good as not wetting the bed, but there is similar pride in... being able to go most of the night.  

I sleep better with just going once.  Get more of my down time to actually rest and sleep.  Plus, having to go, in the morning, does give me added incentive to wake.  I hear it is common in older people.  Even over forty, and it becomes common.  That It wasn't until my early fifties, and that with diabetes, a bum heart, and medicines to deal with those (which all add to the white man's bladder burden), I suppose that is something?

Teeth brushed.  Sassy is all ready for food, but I am not quite ready to feed her.  She has been pushing for two cans of food a day.  Yesterday she got a can and an half, after several days of pushing me into giving her two cans.  In spite of splitting the cans out, she knows volume, it seems.  And she knows she is coming up light.  She is about as delighted as a serial killer giving a job termination or eviction notice.  Dagger eyes.  Still, I had been cutting, an will continue.  It's, just, she is so good at begging, and sometimes I am so distracted.  I don't know if she will ever lose weight, or just sleep more.  Ugh.

Today I have to speak with an untoward bureaucrat, if I can find him.  A pompous sort.  Who has been rude, about a number of things, mostly because we weren't interested in doing some pet project of his, online.  Didn't trust the bastard, and for good reason.  A face to face, though also speaking with several of his bosses, on up the line.  Right to someone who needs to get elected, letting them know I am willing to push things a bit.  It is a blue city, in a red county.  Will... see.  I think this poppycock is county, so... I may have some push to shove.  Will find out.

I may also do a bit of shopping.  I meant to pull more meat out to thaw last night, but forgot, with the blood sugar thing.  Blood sugar, this morning, fasting, is well down from yesterday, when it was 215, at 165.  That is... two days of insulin and testing.  Same slow acting insulin I was on, where it was going to 300 and more on, with only the addition of 28 cc's total of fast acting insulin during the day.  And... that number will come down.  It looks like I really do need some fast acting insulin.  I'll speak with my doctor about it though, and let him chew over the numbers.  Even at 60 cc's, they will have to send more slow acting, as I go through it faster.  If 60 isn't much better than the 26 I was initially set to be on.  Ugh.

Messes, fires, and trouble everywhere.  Tired, things to do, and places to go.  Don't want to, have no choice.  A shower, shortly.  Brushing teeth again later.  Well, today or tomorrow, or Monday.  When I am able.  Later.

Up late.

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If for a reason.  I wanted to check on my blood sugar a few hours after taking the dose of slow acting insulin.  It has been good, but almost too good... to be true?  Or to be safe.  So, a few hours longer.  I just checked, 135.  Not... bad.  It does go up at night, as I begin controlling it.  This is usual, in spite of not having had anything but water since my last blood test, and I don't even think that?  No, actually, nothing.  Just... the weird way these things work on me.  Or how my system works.

A bit more gaming.  I hate the driving part of this game, especially racing, and chases.  The controls are absolutely horrible, control can't be well maintained even at normal speed, far less so at turbo speed.  Yet turbo speed is required.  It is a poorly devised game mechanic that just doesn't work.  They should have scrapped those, because it is only luck, over time, in time, that allows one to win those events.

I have much of the game completed.  One of the main side quests doesn't seem to work.  I may look around, see if I am missing something.  Maybe the location beacon is actually more general.  I don't know.  Though I did notice that the map, with the locations for other things, doesn't actually work.  I think, for watchtowers and roadblock sites, they are randomly placed on the map.  And, can change, when I quit the game and rejoin later, things have disappeared to be found in different places.  Which... sort of sucks.

Still, it's... something.  Goodnight.