Why so rough?

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I am trying to push through.  Shoving pain, limitations, troubles, thoughts, fears, aside.  With ease, too, honestly.  It just doesn't matter.  No matter how easily I climb over, crawl under, sidestep, vault, or dodge this, that, and the other things, I still end up getting nowhere.

It doesn't make sense.  It seems no matter how well I do, there is simply too much in my way to ever do more than get a step or two ahead while my goal gets two, three, four steps further out of reach.  I'm not even wearying for the exercise, if too making absolutely no advance.

What?

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Not sure when I went to bed.  It was later though, 20:00, give or take an hour or two?  I was absolutely baked, for no good reason.  No, I took medicine.  Didn't eat, though I only want to eat?  Not sure I can.  There just isn't anything under there that can even handle food right now?  I... may try, anyway, soon.

I awoke at... 7:00 or 19:00?  It took half an hour to wake enough to sort that.  Seven, in the morning, it is.  Was.  Sassy was fed, coffee going in, okay.

No food.

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Nothing?  I did get laundry going, putting the whites in?  No, resetting the dryer.  I started that last night, just ran it through a final time, just in case, this morning.  Haven't... touched it since.

Hungry.  But I just can't cook, thus eat.  I have been feeding Sassy.  Changed her water.  But... that's it.

She certainly is chirping.

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Fairly loudly for such a petite little thing.  

Wow.  Okay.  Nice.

Hmm?

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After seeing else, I... saw this.

You... don't hurt me, or matter.  Right?  Even a broken clock clocks it true twice a day.  I... don't mind.  Not... sure which one you are?  Doesn't matter.

Dreams, again.

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Of her.  Several, though each dream it's own.  She knows I won't be with her, outside of marriage.  Even in dreams I can resist, usually, mostly.  This time, a trick.  We... were both wearing wedding rings.  Both dreams.

Even so, I... knew we weren't married.  It confused me.  Perplexed me.  I... like the idea she was trying to present.  I liked that she went so far as to give in, at least to the idea?  She seems real.  Different faces, but same woman.  Woman?  Not sure she is what she seems, but she is feminine.  Takes a trickster to know one?  *grins*

14:27

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Just a little longer, if at all possible.  Another hour?  So tired.  Maybe not.  Still, even to this time, it is good.  Sore, and all else as this morning.  If too with a bit of a headache.

People seem to have called me out on my dream.  Which, fine.  I thought it would slide, with quiet understood room for... some fibbing of a sort or three.  Women have to understand why some lies must stand.  Men understand things, logically, when explained.  Women know damned well, at a visceral level, that the truth cannot be told because some people don't understand... anything!

Well, fine.

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Just because a dream is spoken in a certain way?  Doesn't mean that is... the absolute truth.  Ask any woman.  She can't tell absolute truths for... many reasons.  Men can be... cute.  but they never understand, even if they seem to follow.  Clueless.

Have you ever heard two drinking buddies suggest they love each other?  You... will never hear a woman say that to a guy friend.  It's... dangerous.  Men take things way wrong, with only the lightest, or even no, intention.  Just like men, often, have to not frown or show anger to blatantly.  Women cannot... tell whole truths, all the time, on every subject.  Which... makes lying a bit of a serious habit, if for the best of intentions.

Just a bit rough.

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My neck hurts.  If you have ever been throat punched, or neck chopped, you have an idea.  As if a few days ago, probably.  Sometimes I healed well, quickly.  Sometimes the strain to the arteries... in this case both sides... and the esophagus.  No skin bruising or else, so... it's just something else.  But feels like pressure bruising.  Yes, I've... had some experience in various pains.  I might not know the technical terms, but I can describe things fairly well.

Warm enough, even with the main of the house only up to 73.  That is enough to satisfy Sassy, for the moment.  I cool it off at night.  She makes do.  During the day, a little more warmth helps, both of us.

Well, maybe?

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It sure looks like someone is saying something.  Using my words, as I use the arts of others?  Three posts, which seem to... intimate a suggestion I have posed?

Warm?

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Very strange.  Well, upstairs it was 52.  I was... fine, comfortable.  I did use the water bottle.  Just one, at two liters, is a little small.  I'll admit that.  I will see if I can find something about double that size.  Having size 15 feet doesn't help, and that is where I use it.  Still, it was... better than nothing.

My feet had gotten cold.  Not from going outside.  From wearing no socks the rest of the day, and sitting in this front room.  Blocks o' ice.  So, yeah, that wasn't good.  I kept hoping to get a shower in, but it never got finished.  Bleh.  So I froze my feet waiting on a plan that never took place.

A 71%.

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A dream.  A college course.  Philosophy.

I wasn't sure if the professor was just a cunt, or a sellout, or what.  Still, wasn't happy.  When I'm not happy about something, I go... face it.  Deal with it.  Win, lose, draw?  Be damned.  So, in I went.

14:30

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A good run.  Wasn't sure how long I would be up.  Now I know.  Yes, time to get on to bed.  No shower.  I did get a second meal in.  Oh, meat is so much more pleasant.  I missed it.  Though salad is very good as well.  Would love a shower.  After getting trash and recycling together and out, cooking or prepping other meals, and such, I am just too done in to consider a shower.

Now, the shower is ready.  I'll take one, I am pretty sure, tomorrow.  And the day after.  I have been taking showers daily, until yesterday.  So... I'm good.  But I don't mind taking daily showers if I can find my way to them.  Loverly.

Wonderful.

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Thought I would shower after getting trash and recycling out.  No... just couldn't get to it.  Haven't gotten to it yet.  But... maybe, shortly.

I did get a salad together, and eaten.  Crumbling half the small, pricey, pack of gorgonzola.  Oh, that was delicious.  After a bit, I got half the remaining two thirds of the steak cut and began frying it.  Three minutes, on each side, twice.  Oh, my word, that was delicious.

Not bad.

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It took all night.  Here it is, almost seven, and I just finally got trash and recycling out.  I began collecting it... a while ago.  Three?  four?  Or... maybe five.  Time isn't relevant hereabouts.  It just happens to be a time, or not, some day, of some week, of some month.  Not... my problem.  Until it is, but then... I figure it out or beg borrow and/or steal my way clean.  Paying when I can.

Out, and to the curb.  Not certain it is recycling day.  Which is fine, there is room for more should that not be collected.  Trash to be certain.  ???  Things are saying it is Monday, and I am all but certain it is morning.  Most of the clocks are on 24-hour mode.  But... sometimes clocks do very strange things, or here.  Still... as sure as I can be.

Awake!

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For a while now, almost an hour?  Or so.  I was awake at 21:30, then fell back into the bedroll.  Snuggled with my dreams.  Sadly, no women in them, just warm sleep... like being in a heated cloud comforter.  Good dreams, those.  Finally made it out about an hour later.  And, warm.  I love dreaming of being in a warm wrap, like a big fluffy cotton candy thing, with warmth, and able to breath easily too.

Warm, when I woke.  Still warm now?  Strange.  I haven't turned the furnace up.  It is set to 66.  But, yes, strangely, I am quite warm.  I may not turn the furnace up, being this comfortable.

I'm done.

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I'm just out of life for the day.  I... all but fell asleep sitting here.  Not feeling good.  Not sure I can sleep.  But even just remaining seated isn't possible going forward.  Thankfully I didn't fall out of my chair to this point.

I did get medicine, both sets, and the rest, in.  A few waters, if not as much as I may need.  Food was eaten, and very happily.  Coffee too.

Difficult.

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It is Sunday.  So... good.  I have a slim chance of getting trash and recycling gathered and out, and whatever is to go, to the curb yet on time.  It's slim because just being awake is painful, tiring in ways I can't explain.  It feels like I... became Humpty-Dumpty, and took a great fall.  Cracked, here and there, heart, internals, else.

Light pains.  I don't think a heart attack, or stroke, or anything like that.  What is wrong?  That I can't say.  I am just... hurting around a lot of edges, feeling like a cracked egg but internally not externally, and other just odd sensations.  Plus my heart just feels tired.  Not unusually, or excessively, compared to when it goes that way.  It goes that way, off and on, and has for decades.

A difficult time.

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Wasn't sure I could do much.  Just waking was an issue.  I... tried for a while.  Failed.  Tried for a bit more.  Failed again.  Then, later, finally, did make it out.  It was just about as difficult the time I was able to get up.

The body is sore from exhaustion.  The body, and the heart more than other things.  Oh, I... have forgotten meds, for a day or two.  And haven't been taking full doses, missing my later set fairly often.  I just... have trouble just living.

Why the feminine.

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I have been being plagued by the feminine.  Oh, not a terrible thing, really.  I've certainly been plagued by more terrible things.  Still, I had to ask myself why.  I have been considering the problem for a while now.

No, witches have no power here.  Save any allowances I might grant.  Granted as sisters, mothers, daughters, not as dark practitioners.  I can shut down darkness easily, and do.  I think even they know it.  Not a grace, the price of... being... a certain sort.