The Math.

I really do enjoy doing the problems. I cannot honestly say I am learning new things. At this point, I am taking everything I have learned about math and putting it together in a (sometimes) neat little package. There are a few new things, but mostly, I learned all of this material already. Often when I “learn” something “new”, it is just something I forgot. Though honestly, you could not keep all of this in your mind at any one time, consciously. I have come to the realization that much of what I do, I do without a thought. When or if I should stop to think about the more complicated problems, during the solution process, I probably would not be able to do them. So, how does one ever know what they really know? Testing is the only way, I suppose.

I meant to call my neighbor to see how the hunt went. I am excited in hopes that it was a good hunt. I decided to check my mail a bit ago, and thought that might also be a good time to visit and talk, but it looks like they have gone to bed. It was early, but they started their day quite early. I will post a report when I find out. As well, I will see if there are any future hunts planned. Even if I keep having difficulty, if I get one more hunt in at least, I would be a little happier I think. Well, back to math!

Into the depths of derivatives, with nary but a pen and paper.

I was supposed to go duck and goose hunting today. I slept most of yesterday, and parts of last night. I was supposed to wake up at 4:00 am. After speaking with my neighbor, I rested as I could, but just could not make the cutoff. So, I didn’t end up going. Actually, I just woke up at 4:00pm. *sigh* I really wanted to get out there too. I want a freezer full of the birds, for several reasons. First, it’s good food, in my opinion. Second, it is fun to hunt my own food. I know where it came from. But I think more, it is good to get out with “the guys” and do wholesome things, talk about life, get outdoors, and shoot. Put altogether, that is a whole ball of wax that any man who endeavors to be a gentleman could easily see as being right.

I am hoping the group goes again. With as busy as people are these days, it is difficult to know. Most of these guys are both family guys and working their way through various levels of rather involved academic pursuits, with complicated requirements associated with, yet aside from, their academic endeavors, beside their family situations. I am not sure how they do it, but it seems to be working and is neat to watch. In any case, it makes outings a bit of a rarity.

I am going to try and get some of my schoolwork reviewed. I have ten units to cover. Most of this I have mastered, in a stepwise manner. Putting it all together and testing on it is another thing. That takes concentration, awareness, and confidence. All of which have been flagging. At least I did better on the quiz than I had anticipated. Though not stellar, I did receive a 7.7 out of 10. It was very difficult because my mind could not see, and thus could not relax and “just do it”. I do not think I will be able to do more, say pick up on physics at least to help my partner in calculus study physics too, currently, so this has become it. However, I have some hope that I will be able to pull this off. I do know I know, and that is a start. I do know I am doing whatever else I can to be successful. That is not bad. I would actually like to do one test without error. On each test, that is my goal. Off to the book mine I go, pen and paper in hand.

Little time, much to do.

I have made a dozen decisions today which will be implemented over a period of months. The first decision was implemented today. I asked for the keys to my place back from my “girl friend”. She had been allowed to use my washer and drier on the proviso that she do some work around the house while she was doing her laundry. Actually, I have been paying for her cell phone, which also was supposed to be remunerated via housework. I have received nothing in the way of work done. As well, though she was welcome to my larder, should she need, she was not given free rein to just take whatever whenever. Either she has been or someone else is getting into my apartment. Neither would surprise me, so, the keys are no longer in her possession and I am making the locking of my door an art. The windows will show if they are being entered. I did it, as well, in such a manner that would not allow her to make copies before returning keys. This woman is not to be trusted. A typical feminist, she is equal until she needs, then she does whatever she wants, yet somehow convinces herself she is still equal to good men. Maybe to my eastern neighbors, where her equality is obvious (they also have no morals, so I am quite sure they believe in equality as well, and take, push, and threaten to get what they want within that type of equality). She just did not understand that friendship is a two way street, and perhaps that all she was and would ever be is a friend. Perhaps in spite of her turning down my marriage request (while I was weak and stupid) and me moving out (which, oddly, surprised her), that she no longer had relationship claims to me or mine. She knows now, however, how it works.

Beyond, I probably will not be taking physics. I think one of my commenters suggested that physics might not be the thing to advance in the lead up to an away time. Yeah, ok, I see it. Though, that isn’t the real reason. It would have been a monumental struggle against a system weighted against me. Even if I can do the material, with a great deal of struggle, I realize I will never get there. I would need to reassess my level of competency in several areas and take a few lesser courses to gain skill in certain areas, physics for sure. I am sadly behind the cue ball on this and am too tired to really fight my way through another timed course. I am running out of energy in calculus, so that even though I am getting the material, mastering it even, it is going to be a nightmare to finish well. I am exhausted, day and night, after and before sleeping, and cannot get restful sleep no matter what I do. I realize I might be able to overcome one of those obstacles, but not both. It is time to just start figuring out how to survive. The money could be put to better use on outdoor gear, the time could better be spent in the field, the energy I can maintain must be spent wisely, as something is shorting my system, leaving me with too little energy and when it goes is never certain.

I will probably getting off the internet in the next few months as well. I cannot keep my computer clean. The software I have does not seem to be up to the task (Zone Alarm Security Suite, kept up-to date, with spy-ware, anti-virus, and firewall all optimized to the best of my ability and functioning, along with MS’s firewall (they do work together, apparently)). So, I am getting out of the whole ball of wax. I can tell my machine isn’t under my control yet cannot find what has taken over or is using it. Best to know when you are licked and just get out.

That does not leave a lot of hope. And, I am not really happy about these realizations. But, as a man, I have to realize life and reality are hard and true. I need to go ‘retire’ somewhere away from this Godless place, find some peace, and just roll on until I finally, graciously, am allowed to go to the only place that will ever be home for me. In some way, this is a relief. I know I did what I could. I know that, barring anything else, I do not fit in this world.

Truth be told, I would rather die being mauled by a bear or falling out of a tree or down a mountain than to slowly eat poison handed out in Social Medicine™ Nursing Homes (coming to your community, soon). Unless, of course, they really do intend to eat the old, visa vie Soylent Green. It will probably be a quick sharp whack to the head, which seems nice and painless. Hey, if the atheists (think socialists, communists) do gain rule, and she is well on her way, simply understand that they consider us animals. If that becomes the law, long pig will no longer just be for socializing, it will be the next “What’s for dinner, ah, meatloaf surprise.” Just ask the North Korean’s for sure, probably the Vietnamese, most likely most such nation’s peoples.

Exhausted.

Well, my brain is working again. I was pretty much able to pick up yesterdays class material, in class. Do I still have trouble solving certain things, yes, but it’s the same old same old that has, is, and will beat me up every time I work on it. Oh, and it should not. I really need to sit down and think about the problem sets, do a couple dozen hundred of them, and get over it, but… Anyway, so my brain is back in my back pocket, but I am still crazy tired. I am hoping this does not mess up my class attendance, test times, and things. Also threatened is my capacity to study. I may really have gotten good at this stuff, but I have to study the new and old material, do the homework, and go over odds and ends when I can (like the above mentioned techniques, which I just have not found time or material in order to improve).

Life has become just school, again, but this time it is not 18 hour days, it is 6 hours here, 8 to 14 hours of sleep, a few hours there, a nap, etc. I still have not set out the sun lamp, but I have not had the time to set up the area by arranging my study area, and getting the lamp out, figuring out how to power it on top of the rest of my life, such as it is. I am hoping I will be able to get that done this week. I would be doing it today, but I just woke up and promised my study partner I would pick up some trees his wife purchased and deliver them. After which, we will study for the next test (next Wednesday). We have 10 units in this chapter, some of them offering rather involved techniques. I have promised Saturday to goose hunting (though I have not heard a peep about it since) and maybe a pumpkin patch hay ride thing to my lady friend. *sigh* Shoot me now? hehe Nah, it is good, just seems too busy while I am becoming less able to be active. When it rains it pours, they say.

Oh, I caught that bit about Ellen Degeneres. I still read the news, some small amount. Most of it the same as yesterday, one or two things seems interesting for this or that reason. I do agree, she seems quite sad about her situation. Is she sad about her part in the whole thing or only the egg on her face? I keep wondering, if the woman who has the dog now gets killed, but the family gets the dog back, will Ellen care? Does she realize what she has done? Does she not know she has endangered a woman’s life because she does not feel the need to obey rules? I do not know her, so I do not know. I do know that the rich and powerful often seem to care more about getting their way then about actual right or wrong. So, at a minimum, I am dubious. Even if the woman gives the dog back under threat, where is the fairness in that? Either way, the woman may never be safe because of Degeneres.

Hmmm, how does this work?

I guess I am out of touch. I would not have thought this, myself. I laugh at my reflection, if I have a reaction. This one must have been written by a 10 year old, or Ph.D.

You Are Scary

You even scare scary people sometimes!

How Scary Are You?

I fell down, again.

Yesterday, in class, we had a quiz. I had studied. I was prepared. But I could not seem to uncross my eyes, focus, and do the work. I have mastered the material, so it was not that. I simply could not force (or coax or cajole) myself to function. As such, I could not see to answer part of the first problem and then could not tell what I was to do or if I was doing things correctly on the rest of the quiz. This is very disconcerting. I have been taking my meds (and I even drank a bucket of coffee) trying to gear up. I usually will not drink coffee (or that much for sure), but I could tell I was seriously flagging early on the morning before the quiz. After the quiz, we went over a bit of new material that is not reiterated old stuff. Honestly, it was easy material, but again, my mind could not be brought to bear on the topics at hand. In study last night, I could not solve my name! Yet, I struggled on, tried to follow my study partner’s work, used a calculator to check some basic ideas, and struggled through a few problems that way.

I am still in the intellectual dumpster. However, I was able to go over the first new group of techniques and work them out. I still have another group to cover, and I really have not mastered what I have covered. I am making many errors (minor math and algebra errors, mostly, but not limited therein). At least I can manually, without the calculator usually, find my difficulty(ies). It is still comparable to doing sprints with legs that have fallen asleep. As well, after 3 to 4 hours of study, I am needing a nap! I slept well and long last night, but I was exhausted this morning and remain so.

The weather, here, has been dark. It isn’t so much just cloudy as wintery. The threat is almost of snow or freezing rain. The sun is not out, and even should it happen to come out, it is not capable of dowsing me in happy radiation at this time of year. I suspect this is a larger part of the thing. I have decided to try a sun-lamp this year. I think now might be the time to do so since medicine and coffee aren’t touching it.

On the bright side, I have been doing what I can to get going with physics. I have ordered a load of books. I should have at least 8-10,000 problems, split across the various topics of undergraduate physics, with instruction and commentary, and divided again in levels from pre-calculus physics to engineering calculus based physics II. I stayed away from “educational books” and stuck with books that work. I have two college physics books, expensive and well worth their educational weight in saw-dust. *sigh* Hey, at least I do not have a girlfriend to hate me for the “wasted” time, “wasted money”, or anything.

I am going to trying something new this year. I ordered a half lamb (it will not be a pet;). I have really enjoyed fixing or ordering lamb meals in the last few years, but it has been an occasional item. If this works, I may be able to have it a bit more often and just begin ordering half of a not-to-be-pet lamb a year. I went with heart, leg roasts, other roast, chops, stew meat, and some ground meat. I’ll have to let you know how that works out. But this and the first shipment of physics books (arriving today, if the tracking system is correct) are keeping me from becoming too glum in spite of having fallen down again. And, I have some hope that I may be able to recover in time for the next test, in a week and a day. I guess it is good to know that there really is not a lot I can do about my condition. When I am not only moving forward but following the doctors orders and wholly trying and I still fall hard, I understand more fully my actual situation. It just reaffirms that it is not up to me, which if freeing is frustrating. And, it's more challenging! Ok, some challenges stink. This is one of them. But I am trying to be positive here.

Ok, so some days are not so great.

But some days are! I get into funks where I see the world as ending, everybody is against me (they are, but that is another issue:), and I have fears, doubts, and weakness. Goody, I am human. I really try not to spill that over, but as I think of things, sometimes I cannot stop them from rolling out. This, in truth, I regret. Even in these darkest of moments, I yet have faith, hope, and charity, even if these are not in evidence. And I would rather find a way to share these traits then my dark cloud.

Do I have certain fears, or taken from the emotional to the rational, realizations of serious potentials for doom? Yes, I see some things coming, already happening, and things that might be which are unnerving at best. But too I see hope for this world even in this world. I see people gift themselves, and their whole lives sometimes, to doing what they see is right. I see people killing and dying for goodness. And I see a whole world busy about life, delivering the beauty that is inherent in this very complex dance. A child born there, a marriage here, a graduation there, and little successes in people’s lives which allow them, and in a vicarious manner myself, to go on.

In other words, I survived my last snit with nary but a passing doubt toward hope. Yet, through the power of my words and emotions, I can and do harm others. This is not my intent. I suppose it is how I cry. I should say, it is another form of tears for me. I do cry, the big tears as Homer’s Iliad might say. Salty, bitter, bitter-sweet, and joyous droplets of life’s power roll down my cheeks. And, these I enjoy as an expression of my precious gift of life, love, loss, and ultimate hope. Yet there is a time for tears of all kinds, and a time to know when a crying room might be most proper. In the last post, I did not use the most appropriate venue for expressing my pain.

After my last post, I decided to rectify that harm with, hopefully, this gift of words. I wished to give people a hug, a rung on their ladder, a warmth, and really, love. Wherever you are, whatever your situation, find someone to leave warm and fuzzy in a true way. Do it often and any doubts or fears, unmet hungers and wants, anger, and hate fade into hope, faith, and charity. It might amaze you, but doing this will take care of all the rest. Blessings and kind thoughts.

Dreadful Notions

In the last week or two, I have been having a difficult time. Math is going fine, and I’m trying to dig into physics, which is fine I suppose. Yet, I get this feeling that time is slipping away. It isn’t the usual aging thing. I simply fear that change, harsh change, is in the air. I cannot put my finger on it, though there are things that come to mind. I just feel that something big is about to happen. As well, I have a feeling that the docile world scenery is not as it seems. Something down deep, underneath all the typical chaos of life, politics, and such as we understand it here in America is terribly wrong. No, it’s not the “Bush = Hitler” garbage. It is a giving out, giving in, or realization of an unfixable problem, a huge one. Every politician and wealthy “citizen” knows or feels it. They might even have some clues about what it means or how it will all come down. It’s a race against a clock that cannot be won. For some reason, it causes me sadness. Ah, perhaps I am merely slightly depressed. It is also not global cooling, warming, change, cooling, toxins, pollutants, etc. If that were even half close to true, Gore, Britain’s Royal (pain) Prince, and others would not be such CO2 pigs. As well, Kyoto would not have recommended taking CO2 producing plants out of the rich nations (where they are extremely tightly monitored) and sending them to nations where they aren’t monitored, while just allowing the fastest rising industrial nations to remain unaffected by constraints. Those two things tell me that the notion is fiction. But something has them going. Are they dancing on their graves? I don’t think that either, they are having way too much fun. Well, it’ll come to me (a bit too late, perhaps).

I am becoming tired again. Yes, the two might correlate, might not. It doesn’t always happen that way. I am back on medication, as well as a busy bachelor can follow a regimen. After speaking with my neighbor, it looks like geese season will begin the 20th, and I believe I will be going. Hopefully we will get a chance to target practice a time or two before then. On another note, he has brought up the idea of walking/hiking early in the morning a few times a week, three is his goal. Swimming would also be a thought, however, I have found it difficult to find reliable swimming times, especially early in the morning. Still, hiking for an hour could be fun, with some company. I need to get some exercise in, and I’ve always enjoyed the company of good people.

I have little else to say. I hope you find life simpler and less doubtful. I hope, in your doubts, you find succor. Should you not see the firsts and lack the second, I hope you can at least look inside yourself and find hope. Somedays that is all I seem to be, a walking bundle of hope with nothing of flesh. Still, it is enough. And, often in the tomorrows of those somedays, I laugh well and happily.

A Week in the Life (give or take). Update

Wow, what a week. After studying like a maniac, then doing the homework several times, with extra problems for variety, we took our first test in engineering calculus III. I initially felt I had done well. Which is not usually a good sign. Still, it was nearly a week before I was able to look at the thing. So, I relaxed with the, perhaps mistaken, good feeling. Then, as the day was approaching, I started to have pangs of doubt. Worry crept in, ever so slightly, and those things increased until the Monday showing. Well, the results depend on how you consider things, I suppose. I must admit to being a bit disappointed. I must also admit to having high expectations. I received a raw 87.5%. My mistakes were all numerical (except one in which I did not complete the formula (though not from lack of knowing it! Arghhhh!)).

How do I feel though? First, do feelings matter regarding any matter? Maybe. Back to it though. I feel ok, but it means I have work to do. I really mean to crack this back into shape. Studying physics won’t help me integrate but it might assist in keeping numerical problems at bay. It might expand my capacity to review problems, problem solve, and it will certainly help me later. The trick to is stay on course, do a little more review, and keep balanced so I do not slip into lethargy and sloth (don’t look at my apartment!). The time I am spending on this material has cut everything else out of my life. Then again, before I started this up again, I didn’t have a life. That last makes me stop and think though, is this the way? I think my answer is, yes, temporarily. I think once I crack it back into full shape and maintain a functional ability, I should be able to back off a bit. Then it will just be homework, some study, and physics. Then I should be able to bring a few other things back on line.

Ah, but the church. I have lagged. I still haven’t been to confession (and yes, it is vital to me in my path). I am a part of a church group, and we started our group up again after a summer break. That has lit a fire, so I’m trying to figure out how to get that confession done. I have such a problem going Saturdays (our church’s usual time), but do well when I make an appointment. This bothers my conscience, as I feel I should go Saturdays. I suspect I will end up talking about this with the Father this next time. In any case, I feel the need to get in and get that going again. It has parallels with not eating right or doing something else that eventually wears one down. Now that I’m in the church, in my way, I miss it dearly when I lapse. Guilt, yes, but not in the traditional or often accepted or expected manner. My guilt is based upon disappointing perfection, not fearing retribution. And, for me, it’s a good thing within healthy bounds.

Hmmm, what else. Not much else going on. Though, I did order a trig/precalc study system to go back over some of that, when I have time. Is that a different thing though? And I am considering ordering Algebra II (and maybe I) to crack back into hardcore fundamentals again. But again, is that new?

I’ve been tossing out prayers for various of you, from time to time, randomly. Though I do not always attend church, the Lord and you are on my mind from time to time, and sometimes it’s at the same time is all.

Oh, one new possible topic has popped up. In my church group I became associated with a retreat. It’s a yearly gathering. Men have one gathering and women another. On the retreat we study in a directed manner. Up early, work all day in workshops and events through the evening, then a mid-evening bed-time. In the workshops, we discuss many topics. These topics are often based upon the witnesses of members of our group. I had been thinking about witnessing, not next, but the next next time. However, there may be a need to have me witness. I am very unsure about this, especially for a March timetable. There are things I could say that would blister the ears of a priest, psychologist, and other trained professional (trust me), so what I can do to normals is almost unnatural (just my life stories). I am going to have to be very careful. I put the price at having people help me filter. My filters are shot. Even if I am not profane, I have seen too much. Anyway, that is a new thing that isn’t college related, even if it is troubling to me.

Well, I must go. I need to kick down a bit in order to sleep and rise for a review of this last set of material, and ordering of my newer notes, a prep for the quiz Monday, and a call to my priest. Be well.

Update: I tried to get this out earlier this week, however, I was having some sort of difficulty with Blogger, account sign in, and such, and calculus has heated up. I have a handle on calculus again, and am digging into physics, so I thought I’d take some more time to figure this out. Not much has happened between then and now. No goose hunting, not much to life at the moment except math.

Yada, yada, and such.

Ok, here is the deal... First, I became a bit ill. I had a downturn and was just not doing a thing. Then my I found a trojan on my computer, tried to fix it, ended up having to wipe everything. I'm in the process of changing passwords, etc, now. Then, I did go ahead and begin engineering calculus III. After a four year lag, it's been tight. I've spent weeks doing 15 to 18 hour days of nothing but calculus review, meals, and homework. I took the first test today, over two chapters. I think I did well, but only Monday will tell. The rest of our tests will be over single chapters, so this one was heavy.

So, am I back? Perhaps not as prolifically as before, but yes. I will write what and when I can. I would like to get back to my story too, but... we will see. In real life, all of my classes are 4 years old. Which means if I wish to take physics for engineers II next term, then I will want to begin cracking my physics book a bit. These are books that bite, so I am not sure how much time I will have.

Now, I am at least caught up with the rest of the class at this point, in calculus. Yet, I do need to go over integrations another time or two and smooth that out just a bit more. And, as I said, begin looking at physics.

Oh, I have had one little bit of fun. I went duck hunting last Saturday. No, your intrepid Elmber Fudd did not get a duck (or a wabbit). But, I did get a couple of shots off and had fun with a couple of guys. Nothing like killing things to foment male bonding. Well, trying to kills things counts too, I think. Our guide did get a duck (which we grilled and ate, quickly... nummy!). I am hoping to go out again, soon. The weather was too good for the ducks to be active. Hoping for storms during the right times here, wish me luck if you will. I'll email you a "duck". lol

Well, there you go. In a nutshell, mostly.

On another note, the guy I study with is, essentially, an engineer at the moment. He is heavy into the programming component yet integrated enough into the electrical that he is an ee. He is going to school as his promotions have stopped and he believes (and rightly so) he should be able to go on. Anyway, from talking to him, I think I might actually be able to get into engineering. It is certainly possible. And, with some allowance to work at home 2 to 4 days of the week (a bit negotiable), I think I can honestly make it into that field. I'm a bit excited about that. Well, ok, from talking to him, his thoughts on the topic, and my understandings, this 'seems true' to me.

Well, I'm off. I am thinking about popping a top or two, but first I will need to get to the store. A proper store, as I'm going with Spaten tonight. I am taking a two day pseudo vacation, working on integrals for only 3 to 4 hours the next few days until I get back to it Saturday again. Have a good week/weekend.

Sometimes to get something right, one needs to do nothing but say it.

You Are 10% Feminist

You are definitely not a feminist. In fact, you are every feminist's worst nightmare. You believe that women belong in the kitchen.... barefoot and pregnant.

Are You a Feminist?

Oddly, I received 10% feminist. Odd, I say, because nothing I put in could be construed as popularly feminist. I must assume, as with the typical multi-cultural and anti-logic crowd, they are trying to be inclusive with even this. Apparently you may not opt out of their world view. Oh, are not the kittens cute though?

Is the world my oyster?

I contemplate, calculate, derive, and wonder. The answer to the question, or at least the questions arrived at through that question complicate my day on more than one day of each week. Certainly I am not poor. Yet, I am neither rich nor secure. I am rarely hungry, that an affect of short term poor choices or just a simple negligence of tending the matter. I am not sickly, my body is powerful, my mind is very good, my will is absolute. I live by my rules, acknowledging those other rules obtained through the filters of law and morality. Beyond, I live safely, comfortable, and easily within those and yet understand both that I may stray from either of those singly or in combine and there are means of doing so both purposefully and in moments of weakness. Yet the question remains.

As I have said, the question remains. It does not remain untended. The world is only my oyster should I decide to be a consumer. This, as I have written, leads to the next level of thought and to the questions which, by necessity, follow. The world is for my pleasurable consumption should my needs and hungers dictated, then and then only. The price for this is that I too am a consumable. As I feed so must I nourish. Therefore, I pick my hungers carefully, tend to their needs and then some, yet maintain my thirsts so as not to fall pray to an inordinate cost.

I do not know if that makes me a wise man. I do not believe this will enhance or detract from my longevity. I do know that, as when a child and desiring to color within the lines for my own purposes, I find a fullness of life I could find in no other manner. I know too, others see it. This last is of no importance, so long as the prior holds. For an example of this style of living, re-read this text.

A day in the ever.

In spite of schedule difficulties, my health is finally in check. Even without being on my medication exactly right and the sugar, my check-up yesterday was excellent. My blood pressure was 128/89. Some might still put that at slightly high, but that is as close to regular as I have had it in many years, except perhaps once. That time was unsustainable however. The medicines absolutely wiped me out, and sleep requirements alone made the medicinal regimen untenable. The medical staff and myself where quite pleased. I suggested to the nurse (my usual nurse) that I probably deserved something for this and she agreed. I let my doctor know that I had been treated properly, to a rootbeer lollipop. Well, I had been good, sort of, mostly…

I have some plans for today, but I am not sure I will be able to carry them through. Nothing big, just important. This is the beginning of a realization of a day schedule and I am still a bit slow in the mornings. It is early and I am trying to figure out what it takes to drop ship my bottom to action, as always anyway though.

I have started computer gaming again, after six months to a year of not playing almost at all (minus the word game, which I now have a 52.7 million high score). It is something to do that costs nothing, is less compulsive than continually checking news and (mostly empty of late) blogs. Plus, it keeps me busy enough that I do not remember about my pipe (which I have cut to three times a day, maybe less in time, maybe not). There is not much else going on in my life.

I know my mother is arriving in a week and a half, give or take, and papers for school should be arriving soon, but most real things are future episodes. Oh, foot doctor later this month, which will be nice. As I have tried to become more active (actually have, just in a much more or a good bit more way), my feet have started to absolutely kill me. One thing at a time, I suppose. Might as well get that taken care of as soon as possible. Feet are more important than one likes to know. Eyes, sure, ears, of course, etc… but few think of feet… until they are a torture. They must have been killing me for years, I was just too out of it to know. They probably helped keep me down too. What is it, something about fixing one leak only to have a dozen more pop up after too long a wait? Yeah, ok. But I did what and when I could, so it just is. All in all, though, things are sailing along as smoothly for this re-commissioned out-of-mothball ship as can be expected. Toot-toot Toot-tooooooooooooot

Holy shishkebab, now I know why I have been lame about leaving the cave!

I did finally get going. I showered, dressed, and rolled out like a champ. I planned my needs, packed, and partially loaded the X. I went to each store on my list, purchased each item needed and then a few extras. I came home and began making a few things and realized, there is no way I am camping out tonight. The temp says 87 F as of a few minutes ago, at 17:20. Not blazing, but just not comfy. So, I call up my friend and explain the deal. Well, how about a campfire and just pay the fee if required? Yeah, I suppose that is manageable. So, part of the gig is still on.

Yeah, ok, I guess I have been hard on myself. Getting out in 90+ F weather just for kicks is not my thing. Oh, I had also been drinking a bit (lot) more sugar, with my iced teas. Being sugar problematic, that probably was not the wisest thing. It started slowly and innocently enough, however, that I just let go of watching it. Life has been better the last few days, regular hours, more active, a cleaner cave, yet the heat does keep me down a bit. The funny thing is, for July in Iowa, this is cool weather. We should be in the 100’s. I have seen 111 F days, for sure, maybe hotter. Add high humidity and, well, that is Iowa in summer. Wow, global warming has won a friend here! (do not attempt to make that into a logical statement from the given data for debate, you cannot be that ignorant, foolish, stupid, or bored (unless you work for the government or colleges, then go ahead))

I suppose I should finish a few things up and pack it on out. Ah, the menu you ask? Why fresh buns, spinach pesto hummus, fresh sour cream cole slaw, iced mint tea, delmonico (eye of chuck) steaks (her favorite, or beef rib on the bone), and some dessert she is supposed to bring. Oh, I am packing in a couple of fine apples should the bread and hummus not be satisfactory as a refreshing or cooling hors d’œuvre as I had anticipated. Well, I best get to it. Oh, I was almost freaked when I finally made it home. I had women darn neared pawing me today. Some I might have liked, some not. What is going on their? Dang.

I have been talked into it.

I will be going camping tonight, solo. I had been talking to a friend about this and that, regarding camping and hiking, and I should have seen it coming. My friend found a place that would be exactly what I had wanted. No information about hiking was to be had, however, the trails exist, it would be up to me to figure that out. Then, I am given a suggested date. Oh, wonderful! All I have to do is get in gear to go in a day and a half and figure it all out myself. No, indeed, I am informed. Here is the registration form.

I am laughing, as this is exactly what my intent was. It is funny to me because the plans one makes are sometimes just that, in some ways. And, yet, I am going. I set a trap for myself some time ago, and it sprung on me quite well, better yet it sprang when I was unprepared and disinterested. Perfect!

And, to be honest, it is not exactly a huge effort. Now that my gear is, essentially, at the ready, this will never be a complicated task again. Well, so long as the Q.O.D. is not disturbing the water with her chaos, slowness, and weakness. She sometimes takes forever to decide, get ready, move her gear, or beg me to do those things. The worst is when she wants me to choose merely to disagree. It used to work for her, now, not so much. If she says go left after she asked me to decide and I planned on going forward, I go forward. I figure she can walk when we get where I am going. Besides, the walk back to where she wants to go would be good for her big butt, I add. No rules in warfare, I add, should she protest. Oddly, she seems quite happy with that. hehehe Me too. Well, ok, there are times when she gets babied.

Anyway, a couple of delmonico steaks, a few ears of corn if the seller is out today, cole slaw, and perhaps some mint tea. I have asked my friend to bring desert if she decides to show up for the meal. I am planning on a European type of milk-yogurt (cannot remember what it is called, exactly) and granola for breakfast. I might even stay two nights, but it depends on how much I am able to explore and find out about the trails, the weather, and maybe some other things. I should probably take a can of tuna, my last mre, a couple of fresh baked buns, and a couple of gallons of water to be sure. I would hate to have to come back into town. It sort of ruins the effect. Well, I am off… to a very slow start. Oh well, I have 5 hours before I actually want to be there. But I have some things to buy and make, so, again, I am sprinting to it like a turtle. Again, I am off.

God. God? God!

I have been thinking about what God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit, or to me the trinity, means. It is not an easy concern to contemplate. Answers come to mind immediately, some need sorting out, some do not. Some of the things that have been sorted are finely nuanced, others are bold, true, fact, to my mind. This is not a topic that is ever far from my mind and heart, yet it is rarely put all together in a single moment, or in this case, essay. I had wanted this to be done Sunday, as it came together in a final collection that day, yet I could not write, so it happens today.

God, the father, the creator, the divine man-being, has been on my mind the longest. Before I understood about the Son, I looked to the Father. I suppose, not having had a father in my formative years, I wanted to know what a father is or should be. I have the vision of the kindliness of a Santa Clause face, the physique of Zeus, and the power of all things. That has not changed much, yet who He is to me has changed, as it should be. From the simpler idea of a father, He has morphed more into a lord, the Lord.

I do see him as all powerful, however, I see, too, wisdom, justice, grace, love, and other attributes within which He confines Himself. This confinement might also be called wisdom or maturity. As a human father can do much a child cannot, yet restrains that power, hopefully, to righteous actions, words, and thoughts, so too does the Father restrain His power. He watches and knows, He sees and allows. We need to grow and in order to do that, we must make mistakes and attempt to learn and change and finally grow. The hope or wish He has is that we grow toward Him, I believe. The Father does not judge us. This was never His, He decided His Son would take this action, in a way. He simply decided, it was so, and we are. In a way, it is as He IS.

The Holy Spirit has been the most elusive Nature for me to comprehend. What is something that seems to be nothing? Is He a riddle or an answer? Finally, I have come to see him as simply the Spirit of God, literally. At least in form. He is what God, should he have been a normal man, hopes for, dreams of, wishes, and wants. As God, however, He moves mountain and earth through us in faith, He lives in our bodies and minds, He compels and rejects through us and all things flesh. To some extent, we are His embodiment. Perhaps more accurately, we and all flesh are open to His will.

As for what He means to us, this is a trifling more complicated. In baptism, He graces us and inducts us to God. He cleanses us and prepares us for our growing here, with God, through God, by God, and with the chance that God may live in us. He seems to have a great deal to do with fire. In baptism, though our priest might perform the ceremony, it is He who baptizes by fire. When we are set to enter heaven, it will be he who, once again, cleanses us with fire. As well, when hell is discussed as a burning lake in which Satan, perhaps the other fallen angels, and certain others will be cast, I have a suspicion that it will be a containment by the Holy Spirit rather than a place, planet, or plane unto itself. Hell will be a separation from God maintained by the Holy Spirit. As well, the bible discusses Christ always being cloaked, essentially, by the Holy Spirit. I think this is what is necessary now that Christ has risen to perfection. He, as the Father, may no longer come into contact with sin. Beyond these things, the Holy Spirit is the giver of divine gifts. From Charity, faith, hope, to speaking in tongues, the Holy Spirit offers these. Finally, I believe the Holy Spirit is what links the Father, the Son, the world around us, and we ourselves to both the Trinity and each other. No small tasks, no minor aspect, God indeed.

The Holy Spirit is still and always will remain, should my breath continue, a mystery. It is interesting to note, the one sin which is unforgivable is to sin against the Holy Spirit. Considering what I believe about the Him, this is a complicated thought. I can only imagine what actions might be construed as unforgivable, yet I think if I saw them, and I believe I have, that I know. I think those who have murdered their own nature of love are the strongest candidates, when they share this or enforce this, they become true kings of fools.

Jesus Christ has been, for me, much more simply understood. I believe this was meant to be. He came because we did not understand the written word. The Father saw that we were blind to the Holy Spirit, moving among us, and saw that we could and often did choose to be blind. He sent His Son to be a brother and absolute guide. He left no doubt in any who saw. Many turned away, many refused to believe, but more accepted. Simply understanding is not enough, however. Following is much more difficult. Accepting his simple grant of forgiveness is what took me the longest to manage. It is still a test, it is a heavy cross.

What Jesus Christ brought to us was a final chance at redemption and life. The laws had not failed, we had failed to abide the spirit of them. Christ fulfilled those laws, and set them straight. He spoke to us as brothers, men, sisters, or more, his family. I still think we miss much of the point. Yet, those who choose to abide as best they can, to surrender to God as they are able, and follow his tenets will find themselves where they should be. Many, however, are on the staircase to heaven with pockets full of fools gold. He is Love, yet make no mistake, He is also our Judge. He will arbitrate our very long life with or without God. He is our savior, our defense lawyer, our judge, and our prosecutor. These last three, however, I think are slightly incorrect, if not in action then in the performance of those actions.

I feel the need for a clarification. Does a prosecutor or judge, if honest in their performance and true to law and the spirit of law, that being justice, ever actually condemn a man? Does an honest defense attorney truly attempt to thwart justice? Does a father who scolds a child do so for his own actualized benefit? Does anyone but the accused and if guilty, pronounce their verdict by their actions? My answer is no. As it is in the flesh, in this manner, so to is it in heaven. Should one choose sin and not have remorse, if one cannot ask or give forgiveness, how can one wonder that he cannot be in fullness with a perfect God in the trinity? I think those who do not enter heaven will know this, themselves, when selfishness, greed, and lies are no longer available in which to hide.

I see Jesus Christ as the perfect brother. He is strong, wise, healthy, hale, and giving to his life and more. He lived with us, in flesh, with our desires, wants, limitations, and understandings. He also lived with choices. He had to choose, and chose perfectly, consistently, perpetually. I, too, see him now as a lord, as the Lord.

This is some part of what I think, some of what I feel, yet I could never write in such a manner as to encompass all. I felt the need to write this out, it has been on my mind, and it seemed to want to be written. No, not prophetic, simple praise I believe. A simple public acknowledgment.

Time is an odd device, it plays me a fool of late.

I have not been busy, nor have I been doing a thing or groups of things at all. I just am. I have several things in my mind, thoughts which I would enjoy forming into essays. I have activities I would like to do. Yet nothing is happening. Sleep is still off, the wrong times, too little, occasionally too much. Life is not bad in spite of that, as when I am awake, I am fully conscious, memory is good, and I can still get things done, necessary things like appointments, food prep, enough dishes and cleaning that I am not naked or eating with my fingers. Still, there is something elementally absent from my existence. I am empty, hollow, shallow in the ways of the flesh. It is at these times that I suspect when I died, not everything came back. I am just renting this apartment of flesh, yet some times, no one is home. I, myself, am just in the area and know where the apartment is should I need to rest, use the facilities, or such, but I am not staying there. Well, at least I am at peace with this now. Accidental transcendentalism is not all it is cracked up to be.

Oh, on the plus side, I had my first fresh bacon lettuce and tomato sandwich. It was worthy of the wait, as always. Thick cut bacon, bakery bread (yea, I know, I wanted it to be my bread, but this did well), a fresh tomato from my neighbor’s plant (with approval), and a nice glass of iced water. This, indeed, is one of the simpler things. And, by it’s nature, only happens once a year.

Taxation without representation!

We have a winner folks. I am not seeing a hail of anti-tax cases, yet I can hope. I can hope they keep having this outcome too. The only thing that will right the current imbalance is a MASSIVE reduction in government, and the only way to that end will be through a reduction in it’s socialistically stolen filthy lucre. Oh, people, I want this to happen so hard! But, I will be quite honest, even if it happens, that will not make life perfect. There is no such thing as Utopia, but the Utopia these nut politicians have been steering us toward is actually Ethiopia. Go visit the place sometime. Then remember those jokes about chicken bones and necks, phone booths and the population, then realize they stopped because… they were true. But, should the government stop being big brother, guess what, you will have to be your own keepers. You will have to watch Sally’s back, while George watches yours, and so on. And yes, there will be tyranny. Tell me there is not and is not more the other way, the way it is? You will be able to choose your tyranny by choosing your company. You cannot do that currently, try it. And, should you fail, you had better be humble when asking for charity. Demand like you have with this government and you will be not only rejected, you will be thrown out and maybe arrested, or the real government will deal with you more appropriately.

The funniest thing ever is that the very people who despise our government want what…? To MAKE IT BIGGER. D’oh! They call themselves intellectuals, Gandalf. INTELLECTUALS! HAHAHAHAHA. Now, you and I know that the populists who captain those ships know damn straight where they are going, but do honestly think Ward Churchill, Rachel Carson, or Betty Friedan are on the inside? Now look around a typical college town, the students are not radical, most are not even leftist anymore. It is just the professors and the locals, who both and often get mistaken for each other and bums. No offense meant to the bums, honestly. Well, the train is winding down, I had my fun, poked a hot topic or two... Oh, and for those professors who dress well, good start. Now, think like you dress and you might do a bit better. I think the only people less trusted than academics is media and congress. Hmmm, perhaps a three way dive? Hmph!

Anyway, a little tickle of free air in my nostrils and I dream like I woke up in a free land.

Into the dawn without a clue.

I got out of bed at 4:00 after having actually awoken around 1:25 or 2:25. I laid in bed, half napping, until I realized it was no use. I mobilized, turned on the machine, and spoke with my guest. I then checked the news sites for the usual nothing, then the blogs for same. I then fed the fishes and crawdad, and am just goofing now until it is light enough to mow, late enough to make a call or two, or something to trigger something else. Oh, I sent an email to the college I am intending to take a course with this fall. They did not contact me within their stated 24 hours, and I want to get registered quickly.

At least I am not feeling tired. If it is not too wet, I may try to get some mowing done today. I want to do the other cross hatch, and see what it looks like. I also need to call and set up a confession. I just cannot get to the weekly morning time, regularly, and I feel the need to get back. Oh, the wall! Sheesh, I have tons of things stacking up. I suppose it might be possible to get in tonight, but I just cannot guarantee it. Freaky sleep patterns really have me frustrated! Two days up, and working on another, so maybe I can still get caught up.

Well, I am heating some water for French press coffee, my bread recipe (from k), and then I will think about something to eat. I might finish off the jar of pickled turkey gizzards as a snack in the meantime. I liked pickled pork hocks, but something seemed to change, or my tastes have. Maybe they finally just skinnied up the hogs so much that they were no longer hoof worthy? Oh, I am still looking for a butcher who might sell beef brains. I am thinking, fried in a little butter, salted and peppered to taste, and it will be a great as… fried peanut butter without the peanut taste. I guess I will just have to see.

Oh, hey, guess what day it is?!? It is the only day you have to actually work with, so do it! Or, urhm, give it a good thinking over. *smiles*

Bland is as bland does. Blah!

I am exhausted, but I have been up all day today. I did not get much done. I took my medicines, fixed breakfast and cleaned up, and… stayed awake. The email I was expecting from the college did not come through. I may just visit their site and see what is going on. I really need to get going on some things again, this being what is already active so I need to push it.

I keep thinking about how unimportant all I think is. God does not need my faith, though it is said to please him. My government does not need my vote. My friends do not need my encouragement or wisdom. Well, my crawdad, as things sit, needs me. That’s something. And, no, this is not a downer. It is not sad. It just is. As fact, it can be a bit freeing. Well, ok, perhaps too freeing. But I am considering getting tied up, so have no fear.

Not much to say, too tired to really think. I should just fix some supper, make it to 22:00, and then try and sleep. My mind is a bit numb, leftovers from yesterday’s extended wakefulness and from the attempt at switching my schedule around. Sorry, but that’s it.