No mowing.

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My heart is still thumping heavily. It has relaxed after the first dose of medicine, hopefully the second dose will help more. My heart feels rather heavy, every few beats was rather heavy. It still thumps pretty good. It also feels restricted, or something. I'm simply not going to tinker by pushing physically. Yeah, and I am having difficulty focusing. I will be in to see the doctors a couple of times thins week. I think it might be best to write out a couple of questions I have before going in.

I did find the bike I want to order. I have it in the order basket. I am not sure if I want them to put it together or whether it is something I could reasonably assemble. While I haven't put a bike together in years, my notion is that I would rather do it if I can do it correctly. But if it is anything like pulling an engine, I would rather have people with the tools and knowledge do it. I'm not sure if any special tools, even a torque wrench, might be necessary? How exacting are things, would I have to tinker with gears for hours, the break lines, etc? This is the bike I am going to buy. I wouldn't mind picking up a torque wrench, or a few other tools, so long as they are not over a hundred or two. Tools equal good, to any man and probably more so to a prepper. Then again, I don't want to spend on what I don't immediately need either.

I think washing Sam was the best thing I could have done for her. That stuff was put on too heavily, was smearing, she got into it as well. Between the other shots and trying to lick that stuff off, she was becoming quite ill. It might take her a bit to regain full health but she is doing better today. Sassy, for whatever reason, was being an absolute fruit-bat lately. I think the last time she was out a tom messed her up. I became a tom, rather than just plain old papa, in her head. She was almost dangerous to be around. A week of that and she is finally becoming social again. A little patience with cats and life gets better.

Hmm, reheated roast beef, I do believe. Dinner sounds good. Maybe a baked potato as well. I have been snacking, for most of my meals. Salami, genoa salami, sliced ham, and various cheeses and different crackers are my mainstay. I need to finish with the kitchen so I can bring in and prepare fresh fruits, even raw vegetables can be tasty and different. Oh, carrots and celery with peanut butter has been rather tasty too. I need to figure out some other foods. Chicken is great, grilled and stored. But I tear into that. Then again, on some days, I can't seem to eat enough. I need to figure other tasty small serving foods. I did buy some ham to put with beans, and chicken gizzards to fry. Yeah, I'll have to get on that kitchen.

Anywho, that is the way of this day. I have to try and figure out how to sleep earlier. I think I've been stretching my wake time a bit, which isn't helping in any way. I am doing better, but my improved condition is so very thin. One or two mistakes and I find myself in trouble fast. This might end up just being a phase, a temporary step back. One can hope.

I did call my mother. She is doing well, she has company for the summer. All good, I think. I teased that she has a slave again! She can be a bit of a demanding woman. She is a hard worker though, and if you are near her and not busy, she will give you marching orders. Then again, she will pay for it by keeping you well fed one way or another. But work is definitely on her schedule! She sort of sounded hurt when I teased her about the slave thing. I cajoled her away from hurt feelings and got her to chuckle a bit though too. Ah well.

Later or good night.

Woops! Son of a...

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Gun. I was doing things so automatically that I got a little cocky, as a Chinese fowl vender might say. I think I missed my medicines yesterday. I don't think it will kill me, but I was feeling pretty funky today. I haven't missed taking my medicine more than, perhaps, three times in the last month (is it?), and never twice in a row. I'll have to wrangle up a pill keeper. Beside hating medicine, I am notoriously unstable. While these medicines along with vitamins have improved function I suppose old habits die hard. Well, that is one of the reasons I hate medicine... one way or another, you seem to get addicted. Something I will keep in mind is, I will only be taking this stuff for two or three years. If I can't rise to function within that time, I realize that I am artificially being kept alive. And I will cease the medicine. That is my rule, it was my plan even when they had me on Ritalin. We will see though, if I can or will keep to it. I don't necessarily have to quit cold turkey, but I do have to begin paring it down.

Funky, as I use it, is another word for dizzy, palpitations, and a general sensation of illness. I didn't wake up at 8:00 as hoped, or 10:00. I didn't get to sleep until 6:00 or later. Still, if taking my medicine helps with the funky feeling within a few hours, I might still have the late afternoon for mowing. We will see. Holy flying weasels, Batman. That was close! Or... something. Later.

I have been told, recently, that I just don't get it.

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This in regards to something about someone playing the system pretty much just for their own gain. I can't remember the specific details, but the notion works with anything from an author lying and imposing false conclusions on data to sell a book, athletes who take unnecessary medication to improve their abilities, or actresses putting out, going through surgery, and such to "make it". I actually think the guy who said it believes I am naive. I don't think he had a clue that I actually do know. I also know that short cuts aren't worth it, not even for the individual involved. Is making $10,000,000 a year for five or ten years worth disabling yourself for life? Really? Especially considering that when you cut every corner to get there, assuming you make it, you have deprived yourself of the capacity to hold onto that money. You won't be able to deal with going from that income to... whatever you can make with what is left of your body and an atrophied brain, on top of other results from chemical boosters.

After talking to him a while, I think he actually realized that my dogma isn't just based on what "someone said", or even just on doing the "right thing" for it's own purposes. While those things exist, they aren't the sum total. And yet, despite seeing wisdom, I think this guy would have sold his body, his wife, maybe his kids (if he had any), and cheaply. No, he is in it for himself and will take the quickest easiest buck he can. While I treat him genially I have no allusions. If he knew I had a million dollars in my basement he would try and take it, if he thought he could, even if it meant killing me.

I am cynical, I really am. Despite that I actually don't believe most people are like him. While they aren't quite as adamant as I like to think I am, they really wouldn't kill to get ahead monetarily or really for most any reason. There are guys like that man, and much worse. There are also people who make me look like a mad-dog killer, who might literally simply surrender their life to threat. I am sure that many would do no such thing merely out of fear, pick what they might fear. They want to do what they want but aren't brave enough. Others are simply herd animals and won't go against it. Others simply don't have it in them, thought or action. And a small crowd have seen the options and have chosen, beyond the dogma they were taught, beyond their comfort, through suffering, and tested. I'm not absolutely sure where I fit. And, it changes over time, how you fit, what you can handle. It's a test every time, isn't it really?

Do I get it, though? Do I really understand? Or is he the one, as he thinks, who has it pegged? I could easily dismiss it by saying it depends on if there is God, and if so, how God interacts with us. But I don't believe that to be the case at all. I merely think God has been trying to tell us and we have busily, often times, been trying to ignore Him to do it wrong for wrongness' sake quite often. While that does affect the potential realities after death, it really has few strings here in the spiritual way. I actually believe doing the right thing is a fundamentally easier, cleaner, healthier, more satisfying way to live. Actually, because of my illness to a degree, I sense that I am 'not fit'. There are other reasons, but that is something that bugs me.

As for the man, I think he knows it too. In some ways, I think he hates me for my ways. I can only think he tries to maintain his ways out of pride, or something. He won't bow to God, he doesn't care for rules, it is about him. He is angry at God too, for not 'making him rich', 'famous', or 'powerful'. Actually, I think he is angry at everyone. We all owe him, in his mind, somehow. No amount of talking will really bring him out of that. It just amazes me. Yeah, no. When you got your first breath of life, you already got more than you deserve and these days you ought to feel lucky for it. For the first eighteen to twenty-something years, in a typical family, you are very much undeservedly clothed, fed, sheltered, and taught. A couple of suckers bothered to offer you a little of themselves and then afford you time here, in some measure of well being. What we deserve goes downhill as our age increases, like inverse graphs, on top of that. Owe? Deserve?

Just a bug I needed to... iron out. I'm not sure that is it, but... it'll get the thing out of my head and maybe I can sleep. I don't mind going to bed a bit later, I won't be mowing right at 8:00 or anything. I am hoping to get up about then, shower and be ready, then start at 10:00. People work around here, I don't want to bug them too early on a Saturday. Unless I hear other mowers going, then all bets are off... If I am awake. Good night.

It's been a good day.

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I got to sleep until I was rested. I didn't get much done, but I did get into town. My friend wanted to go to the store, so I brought a bit of food with, ate, then we headed out. His normal foot size is a 9 to a 9 1/2. The foot that has been 'trimmed' didn't seem to fit. No wonder it hurt. Trying sizes from 10, 10 1/2, and finally 11, it was only that last that fit with any comfort. He went ahead and got that. I was going to buy him a matching pair for his normal size, as I knew he would not, but they didn't have it in that size. I will be checking the next few times we are out and about and happen to find ourselves in Wal-Mart.

I grabbed what I needed. Shampoo and extra litter boxes, some cat food, and a pair of cheap shoes for the house. I have mules but I just don't like them. This pair I bought are rubber "clogs" or something. I also picked up a few socks just for these and some extra cotton boxer briefs. I need to go through my underwear as, unlike my socks, underwear... don't age at all well. And, as I am losing weight, some of them are starting to need safety pins or something.

I am starting to live a bit hand to mouth. And, I don't mind for now. After I get up to speed on things I want to do, I can begin conserving a bit. Maybe by fall I can start saving up for bigger purchases and future home upgrades. Summer is not the time to be holding back, not when I need some things to get out and to get going. I don't want to cripple my efforts in trying to spare a nickle. Not while the going is good.

Mowing. Tomorrow. In the morning if I can. I have some leftover roast, cheeses, other cold cuts, plenty of Gatorade, milk, and a will to get back into it. Perhaps this time I will be able to push three weeks or a month before I need to rest a week or two again. I have done well, I am pleased, but laurels are not for sitting upon. Hey! I'm not that kinda guy in any event.

Good night. Sleep well. Hurry up, go, go, go! Well, in the morning, afternoon, or early evening... or maybe even not until Monday but you know what I mean.

THE Cure.

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Is there such a thing? For almost anything? I don't know, for certain. Death, of course, cures what ails you. Or, like many medications, treatments, and such, does it really cure or just shut you up about it. Yes, a little tongue in cheek helps and is healthy too. I can't really say if man or body can cure, but I have seen some various illness and some strange results.

Since about 2005, give or take a year or three, I have been diagnosed with diabetes. Initially my blood sugar was seen to be about 250 to 350 (healthy is below 100). Initially they dosed me with metformin, since I wasn't sure I could do the shots. Then, after that proved unsuccessful at even denting the numbers, I went ahead and tried the shots. That worked, got me down, then I... just lost track. The rest of my health was not so good. I got it to about 120 to 220 by cutting regular soda and sort of watching what I ate (no pure sugars, at that phase). I stopped taking medicine but stopped using sugar and sort of drifted for a number of years. Then I decided to quit chewing. While successful (until I was around my mother, a chain smoker, which undid everything being only 3 months after quitting), I started using hard candies. Just regular ones. My blood sugars shot up to 650 or 700, with an A1C (a three month averaged (I believe) of blood "sugar" (serum?) level) of between 11 and 12 (they like the A1C below 6, where it is considered healthy). Doctors freaked, talked me into going back on the shots (which actually aren't all that bad). After a month of that, my sugars started to drop below 60. I freaked out and just tossed the junk. One too many near death experiences on that stuff. High sugar was, too me, like being drunk. Low was like nearing death.

So, I drifted, for years, on nothing. That last dose of shots got me back into the 120 to 220 range. Not good but better then 650+ and much better than 60 or below, 56 was my record I think. When I moved, the diabetes moved with me. But as I changed my diet to beans, rice, and meat and milk, my diabetes... is gone. The last time I had it checked was the second time into the ER. I had a double quarter large size meal with (regular) Coca~Cola (and a half) before going in as I knew they wouldn't feed me when I got there. My blood sugar was 160. My two latest A1Cs were 5.8 then 5.6 I believe. And, I am off the 'all beans, rice, and meat' diet (though I am eating smaller, more frequent, 'whatever' meals). My last two doctors who discussed it said, regardless of what other doctors have said, they can't diagnose me with diabetes. So... is that a cure?

I have... other things. I actually think that what has caused disability for me for the last two decades is being cured by lowering my blood pressure, easing the pulse and heart, or the mix. Which, shouldn't be the case. Further, technically, I am not on high blood pressure medicine. I would only allow them to give me the lightest of doses of stuff to treat pulmonary edema. Those medicines were merely to get rid of water and relax the heart while also relaxing the veins and arteries (give or take, I am neither a doctor or pharmacist... work with me). Those medicines are used to treat high blood pressure, but only at much higher levels, six times as much and perhaps more. I can't take double the amounts though, they have always tried and it failed.

So, in treating pulmonary edema, they seem to have fixed my problem dating more than two decades AND my high blood pressure dating over a decade? No, I don't think that is the cure, either. But if I can squeeze through, finally get up and off my butt, I think I I I can cure it. That is all I have ever asked, it is why I used to push for Ritalin. I think I can cure these things, given half a chance. I am not sure if everyone can, but I think the goal of medicine isn't to cure, but to allow people enough relief from what ails them that they can get up and get going, if change a few things in their life on the way, and that will fix the problem. Urhm, with the caveat that we are all going to die some day. Oddly, I think Christ meant to show us that too. I think he was the only true doctor. He didn't heal, though He seemed to heal. He was trying to show us how to do it ourselves. Perhaps in an imperfect world not all can do so. I have needed help and I am not out of the woods just yet. But with a little help, I know I can and I think most can.

Which means, to my mind, we need to rethink medicine, the price being paid for it both by government and perhaps individuals (though individuals have to compare cost and need at least). I know I am hard on doctors, and the V.A. Sometimes rightly, sometimes not so much. I am grateful to both, at least they continued to try. I do think they try their best. I also think they honestly, often, don't... can't... know. So they rely on what has worked for most. I am simply not most. And, actually, I don't blame doctors for the problem of rising costs. I blame people who just want a poorly lead life to be fixable by a pill. Sometimes they see me in that area, but they are wrong. I blame people who don't want to suffer a moment in their life and will happily trade slavery to drugs in order to escape. I hate the notion that I have to take a pill. Well, and people like me who don't believe a damn thing out of their lips, sometimes rightly and just as often not. I want some proof and we will do it my way, slow, low, and less.

Anyway, thanks docs. I may still have to use you like a tool, but between us, I think I'll be just... ARRHEGGHEHEHHWA!

I slept until I didn't.

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No choice. I wanted to be up and going earlier but that simply wasn't going to happen. The alarm was nice, it messed up sleep for a bit. I reset the stupid thing only to merely be annoyed again later. Too out of it to pull something of wakefulness out of my heap of freaked by the alarm flesh, I just turned the dratted thing off and went back to bed... or something. Frag if I know. Waking sometime in the afternoon, I do feel rested. Medicines have gone down the tube and I am thinking about the rest of the day.

I told my friend I would be in to see him. And I will. Which means a shower, grooming, and... other things I suppose. Still not actually awake, merely on my way. He stays up late so I don't mind going in mid-afternoon. It should be cooler by then anyway. I had hoped to deposit a check but that will just have to wait until Monday. I have enough cash to grab us a bite and will just be staying home over the weekend.

I am going through money a bit more quickly, being more active. I simply can't worry too much about it. What I am buying are things I need for projects and long term goals, things I had been too nervous to buy when ill. No one likes taking their accounts to nub, but sometimes it's the only way. And besides, I was ending up spending the money anyway. At least now I will have some of the things I want or need to get going on real things.

No mowing today. I had hoped to get up and do that today. Either mornings or late afternoons are going to be the only time to reasonably do that with our weather as it is. Morning is gone and afternoon is taken. I will do that tomorrow. Hopefully in the morning, and then if I can again in the afternoon, but I will take what I can get. I might have to just shove to get on it, and that is fine too. I am ready for more. If I do something today, it will be to get more or the rest of the dishes done when I return. Hmm, it seems something is back. Or maybe it just seems like it. Either way, it's time to push.

Good day! Get some, do some, figure it out, damnit! Don't... just... sit there! Life will not wait for you. Plus, it could be fun or trouble or... a fine combination. Go! Go! Go! (or... well... something like that, ugh?)

Planning regardless.

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In spite of the recent difficulties, I am planning to move forward with hiking, biking, and camping this summer. To that end, I just ordered hiking boots, wicking boxer briefs (I previously ordered a few types to find the size and type I liked), a multi-tool kit, and a few other items. These things will make hiking, camping, and even biking a little easier. Right now, I need easy. With some learning, perhaps I can do with much less.

Thanks to Matt, I have some information I have been thinking about for a while regarding particular pieces for a medical kit, namely blood-clot material and a link to possible full medical kits. After two serious bleeding accidents in a year and my penchant for turning a humble rain into a flood with electrical and chemical dangers somehow, a serious medical kit is on the shorter list (after a bike, rocket stove, and maybe a thing or two I can't recall, so maybe for Christmas?). I have a few small kits, and might be ordering several blood-clot bits next month for necessary fill in my anemic kits.

One thing I have noticed, now that my mind is clearing, regarding prepping is that there is a serious issue. No matter what equipment, knowledge, and expendables one could have on hand, and assuming one could either stash or secure all said items, keeping those items up-to-date and functional up to a global melt-down is a whole other can of worms. Okay, so you have every hand tool for working wood and bending iron into useful function, you have enough food to eat on that alone for five years, you have non-electric equipment to navigate, you have horses for travel, you have equipment for cleaning water, you have well shielded tube short wave transceivers transmitters receivers with backup parts in excess of a lifetime, etc., etc., etc. (Or even some small part of that). How are you possibly going to keep up on all that, make sure it all works all the time especially considering use means possible damage, and keep it all together? Basically, I need to consider what I can really do, what I would like to do, and start finding out what my neighbors are doing in this regard.

We live in such an easy world. It might be failing. It might be crumbling. My guess is that it is. None of us has ever had to live on little food, had to work for our water, had to wash our clothes by hand and wait for them to dry, or even had to worry about getting a vital, let alone trivial, item at a moments notice. This is the first place I have lived that doesn't have air conditioning in... decades? If you have the cash there is almost nothing you can't get. Heck, I can go to Wal-Mart right now and get almost anything to at least tide me over until I could get better if necessary (especially with a little imagination and some degree of mechanical or electrical knowledge). Heck, you can build a bomb for $50 or (far) less! (Not that I recommend that, mind you.)

That will all change if things keep going as they are. When Democrats counter Republicans demands to cut spending in order to raise the debt limit with... demands for more spending... and Republicans are seriously listening... I don't think there is anything but trouble in the future. Well, and that is just one of the problems, one of very many problems. There will be no Wal-Mart. Or, more, all there will be is Wal-Mart. At which time we will be at their mercy.

So planning for a world even I have never seen is... difficult. Part of the reason I am thinking of hiking and camping and such is not just to increase my physical condition, but also to learn how life will be. Even when hiking, I may simply begin taking my water filtration device and an empty canteen or two. I probably will take a bit of food camping, but I would like to practice getting campfires going if that is a bit limited in a mountain desert sometimes. I need to begin practicing with the gear I have. It won't be for fun, for views, for other things. Those will simply be bonuses when they happen and when I can appreciate them. The only way to know what life will be like, what is necessary and what is not, how long I can go on what food and water, and how to make better due without easy access commercialism, is to get in there and live it now, with the safety nets that still exist. That should help me shake out my lists. But... to even get to that point I still have needs/wants on my list! With the boots, however, if they work, I have a very large piece of that list. I have been looking for a pair of leather boots with a real replaceable sole, that looks right. Most hikers are disposable these days.

On top of all that, and while I plan and work to store, gain, learn, I still have to live in the modern world. Having two masters is not difficult, it is actually impossible. I realized this not from looking at the current and future demands but, when frustrated, having the notion the bible imparted. You really can't have two masters. I guess, what I am saying is, I first have to part with the easy master of modern convenience before I can truly choose to live in a time that (technically) may never happen in my lifetime. Easy or hard, gas or sickle, technical or manual. And even that trip won't be easy or fast. But... I have decided. I have chosen the path of pain! Oh, that was Saruman channeling through my blog... Anyway.

I had to check several accounts to make sure I could afford these items, which ended up with me pushing my sleep time. I can only focus for just so long, then... I lose track. But the sale was tonight only, and all of those things were reduced to 50% off, so... I managed, right at midnight, to finally place the order.

Tomorrow I will be going in to see my friend. He has been given nutritional, and other stuff, from his doctor. He is having difficulty understanding it all. So I offered to come in and help him figure it out. I will probably get something for us to munch on my way in. I think with better food and some ongoing work the doctor is doing with his legs and feet, he might come back to health a bit. He has been a bit worrying lately, ailing, falling. I might have to get in to see him a bit more often in the next weeks. Even just stopping in, or giving him a ride to the store so he can stock up a bit more or even get to the store more frequently. I might be failing just a bit, but I am still doing good enough to check on him I believe.

Good night.

Ah, that's better.

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Slipping into shorts and a sleeveless shirt, taking my socks off, and sitting for a bit, have allowed some of life to return. If heat isn't the sole problem with my recent downturn, it doesn't help. I may have to pull the fans out before too long as well. The curtains, again, are open. It is such a... novel thing. For whatever reason I am truly enjoying having them open. Then again, having mountains to look out from every window doesn't hurt.

I finished the laundry. As I use clothes and towels though, there will be a pile soon enough. And Sam snuck into my bedroom and deposited extra food in the form of vomit. *sigh* Still, I have plenty of clean sheets and I removed the sheets before it soaked in and it wasn't on the blankets. Rather than being mad, I was actually slightly grateful, if not fully happily so. This gave me a reason to change the sheets again. New fresh sheets and maybe a habit forming thing, again. I finished, perhaps, half of the dishes. But I have run into a... problem. I simply am not able to push past this little dip, not right now. I was happy to make it to the appointment today and take care of the other things with a return trip. I realize, now more than ever, that my heart probably is a part of why I sometimes can't push. That would be the invisible something that I simply could not figure out before, the thing that would allow function and then not. They don't make an appointment with you at the Advanced Heart Failure Clinic, then bump that up a week, merely because you are handsome (though there is that too). :p

So, I will go a bit slower and do what I can when I can, again. If it never happens again, it was wonderful to lead a normal life for a few weeks again, in any case. I will not begrudge that. After twenty some years of living like a zombie, just to see normalcy for a few moments was enough to refresh. Of course, because of what happened, I have hope that healing may now occur and I might get some part of a normal life back. It just absolutely amazes me what the possibilities are. If you literally can lead a normal life, with grumps and all, enjoy it. Get out, find your friends and family and go pick on them, make friends, dig holes just to see what is down there, ride a horse, go for a ride, get married, have kids. Don't wait. Hurry up.

I am still dissatisfied with the Republican field for president. Between moderates and slightly more moderate moderates, picking a horse for that race is like expecting to see gray hounds sprinting after the gate only to find one has shown up on turtle race day. Watching lips move and knowing these jerks have no more a notion of what they should do, how it should be done, or for whom exactly they want to be working (which is whoever will just let them do whatever they want and leave them alone to it). None of them want to do a darned thing about illegal immigration, none of them really have a plan for the Middle-East, none of them are keen on cutting entitlements let alone general spending or even taxation. They talk big, in a little way. Generalities, but the truth is none of them will more than give a token nod to those who elect them. Democrat lite seems to be all I am seeing, with a few out-of-touch characters, and some not so lite candidates (Huntsman, Romney, and some of the sharia favoring multi-culties and "greens"). Bah!

I think I am liking this new monitor though. I didn't think I would and it might fail yet. You know how these things go. But it is cooler, it is quieter (the other had almost as many fans as my computer). And I think it has some kind of curve in it that helps with glare. On to a bit of gaming. I found a game from long ago that will play on the loaner, which is more of an antique than even my machine. Hmm, I ought to call and check on that. If he broke it, I will just take it back. I suppose I should wait until the first, to make sure I have money in case he managed to fix what he tried to repair in spite of that not being the problem. Doh!

Hmmm, well...

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Sleep has been elusive. I was able to get a few hours of sleep before taking Sam in. I was a bit late for the appointment as between little sleep and being a slow starter at times as well, I just couldn't push hard enough to be fast enough. Two shots with one left for Sam. And, this time, the doctor suggested a treatment for tapeworms. I said I was holding off because of the expense. She said they had stuff for $16, and highly recommended since Sam hunts. It lasts six months and I can buy the stuff and just apply it here at home. Done. It is too hot to do shopping and leave Sam in the vehicle, so I brought her home and went back to town.

There were just a few items that were very needed. A few items I bought to have more on hand. And, it turns out, I purchased the first part of my new computer. The switch in my old CRT monitor would not turn the device on. It is a good monitor, otherwise. Though square, that CRT was better than most monitors I have compared. I think it was 22" (again, square, not this new funky envelope shape). Set up was easier than I might have anticipated, the only reason I had for the instructions was when putting on the base plate... I wasn't sure if I was doing it right and being plastic, I didn't want to break it. A spendy little device, monitors. But less than online stores often sell them, when I do mockups to compare prices. At 26", it is about the height of my old machine, but with more screen near the bottom (my old one was on a very substantial base), and much wider. Actually, in it's day, I think I paid a hundred more for the old monitor (not in adjusted, but actual dollar, price). If it lasts half of the nine years of the old monitor I will be pleased. Of course that does put a ding in my account. Sam was another $130. But I don't have any other expenses for the rest of the month... I hope... I think? The one thing about this new monitor is that I can't adjust it via the stand. I am sure I could... figure something out, maybe?

I tried to call my priest today. His line was busy and I haven't heard back from him. This slow motion phone tag is annoying. I know, it happens. It is no one's fault. It will be done, eventually. I also called the Advanced Heart Failure Clinic back. They left a message Monday but I saw neither the call nor the message. I only accidentally found the message checking another message I was sure was on the phone. They had set me up for the 6th but wanted to push that up a week. All good in my book. It is an early rise though, the clinic is first come, first served, starts at 9:00 and they want blood work done an hour earlier. With a two hour drive, that means a 6:00 start, which means a 4:00 wake. Ugh, and double ugh. I will do my best to be in like they want, at least the first time. I will ask more questions though, when I get there. In any case, I am pleased to be having my condition and blood monitored much more frequently. Once every three to six months on medicines that are tricky and potentially fatal at the turn of a trick is... spooky.

I think something is a bit off. The heat has started up, it is 87 F today (30.56 C). While that isn't exactly blistering, considering we have had such a cool spring, this is like going from the refrigerator into the oven without a notion regarding sentiment. Harsh. At least for me. I am having trouble sleeping, waking, working, and keeping on track. I doubt if it is the heat, come to think of it, I have been sliding for several days. I know I will have to ease into the heat. But ease in I must. It looks like this is the way of the weather here for the next week. If I can keep it together I may mow when it cools a bit. Or not. I had best get to it though, that front part of the lawn is growing like crazy already.

Hmmm, a bite to eat, a little goofing now that I have my machine back, and... who knows. I cooked a roast last night, on the grill. I must have used a quarter of the tank cleaning the grill before and after. It did help, but that's an uncomfortable means of cleaning. Hmm, if I fill the extra tank soon, though, at least I will have less worry about running out in the middle of cleaning or cooking. Later or maybe good night.

Restful sleep is a beautiful thing.

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I have been pushing just a wee too much I do believe. I simply need to take a day or two and, proverbially, catch my breath. Fine, fine, I can do the mowing tomorrow or the day after. I did get sleep in, finally. And it was such a good thing. I don't remember a thing about it. But waking up refreshed, with my mind and will back in some order, and a better understanding of my limits, for now, made the non-sleep a learning experience rather than a wasted suffering. Slow down, regroup, rethink, then begin back with baby steps. All good. That sleep has meaning is new to me, I wasn't going to let that pass.

I will continue to get back on my feet, continue with the dishes and sorting and straightening. Light duty for a few days is the deal. Anything that moves me forward just a bit. A bit every day. But I really pushed things and my body and mind rejected the push. With life truly becoming great again, I am not going to let that slip. Not for my want of a possibly fictional better life. Not to get everything to some level of perfect. Even so, my life is coming together. Clear thoughts, solid work, good health stats, a healing body, a cleaner home, a lot of good things. Even God rested, if only for a day in seven. I am neither God nor, really, a whole man yet.

I have realized that I am a doubting St. Thomas. Some things I believe, but not without working myself through lots of doubts, and not without some remaining nibbling doubts. I will, in absolute truth, be absolutely sure about very little so long as I draw breath. I am rather dogmatic (if ignorantly at times, in that regardless of what I think or believe, I easily and willfully defer to the Church on such issues). But if you understand dogma, the roots of the term, you realize that to be dogmatic is only falsely declared uncompromising or some such. To be dogmatic merely means, in it's origins, to... seem to think, or perceive to be right. Nothing is absolute. Some things are absolute within a faith, for example the sacrifice of Christ for our sins is absolutely necessary to believe in order to honestly claim to be Christian. Further, it isn't a side issue. It is the only issue. From there we discover what we must do in order to utilize that sacrifice to both God and our benefit, right ends, or however you wish to term it. So, I have no problem with doubts. Neither, in fact, did God. Christ quite easily allowed St. Thomas both his doubts, and proof. Christ did not in any words, but in action, anoint doubt, to a degree.

Of course, there has to be faith, trust, and such, or even getting out of bed would be impossible. I have to redefine my world by finding what I can trust, how I can trust it, and then go forth. I find the exercise much akin to climbing out of a well. Not all stones can be trusted equally, they must be tested and tested at the angle of particular purchase or use. Once found safe, more height may be accessed and the process continues. I am just waking up, in a way, to a world that has changed much. I have been trying to climb out of a mud sided well and and made it up to more stone walled part somehow. But it is all new ground, new understandings in my environment, and... a bit scarier because I don't want to fall back into the muck part. Careful, easy does it. I also know... there is no getting out of the well, not in life. We will climb until we ultimately fall... fall for the last time... at least on earth. Ah, but I'm ready for the climb even with the surety of fleshly failure. I just need to go slower while my 'boots' dry a bit and as I get used to the cutting and solidity of the rock face after being used to soft but insecure mud walls.

I blather. Hushutup already. Me or you? Definitely blather. Good day!

Grumbles, but mostly good ones... Mostly.

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I have been trying to get some sleep but it just isn't happening. Not yet anyway. At least my internals have found peace for the last hour. I did call my nurse and got right through. I asked about the bowel issues with her and she didn't seem to think I needed to worry. And probably rightly. If it continued for three days, then an over the counter would be the recommendation. I don't think I would wait more than a day and a half though. I also asked about work, if I might be doing too much. She suggested that I go by feel. If it feels too much, take a break or back off for a day or two. That is pretty much what I am doing. I also reported my bp and pulse for the last two days. All good, very good actually.

I don't think I'm going to let them tinker with medicines for at least three more months. If they have to change the water pills, due to something being far too low, I worry. As I said, I think those pills are simply keeping a flooded basement (lungs) dry, they aren't fixing the heart. That will take time. If I can keep these stats as they are for six months the healing will begin. I can see where, on my skin, my healing properties are back in action. I had stopped healing for a number of months when edema was going from bad to worse. Cat scratches literally stopped mending. Now I heal from even a serious scratch in days, not weeks. A cut in my palm from when Sassy was cuddled in my lap, a tom hollered out, and she got all wicked (and thankfully I got my hand between her and more sensitive places just in time as I... just saw it coming), which went in past all skin and into meat, less than a week ago, is now nearly gone. I think my internals will heal too, with the lower bp and pulse. No, I don't want them to touch anything. And then make very minor changes, one at a time with a month between to see if it's a problem, and then only after checking to see if anything has improved to make additions possibly unnecessary. Grumpy, fussy, stubborn, call it what you will. But they have proved themselves too wrong too often and they won't pay the price of being wrong.

I doubt if I will get to much today. Until I can kick out and sleep a bit, I am simply shot. I honestly don't know how I did what I did for as long as I did being as sleepy as I was. After two or three weeks of good living, just this little bit of sleep deprived exhaustion is... unnerving. No, I will sleep again before I get to anything else. I must sleep. And, thankfully, sleep now means rest and rejuvenation. If you have that, drop to your knees and give thanks. Trust me, whatever else is wrong with you, not being able to ever rest is worse.

Well, on to a bit more goofing, then another try at sleep. Good morning and good night, I hope.

No sleep tonight.

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I did, by the way, get a couple of loads of dishes done, soaked another set of dishes, and cooked some of what I brought home from the store. I need to figure out how to keep the grill cleaner though. I know you can "cook it off", but that eats a lot of fuel and doesn't do all that good of a job. Another thing to figure out. I have time, I suppose. My back isn't killing me nearly so much now. Dishes are no more a joyful chore, but it is much easier without having to fight pain. I seem to have gotten back in recent "normal" shape rather quickly. Getting into actual shape may take a bit longer.

I could not sleep. I tried to go to bed early. I just could not get to sleep. After several hours of fake it till you make it, I gave up. It may be that I did so little my body does not feel the need. Because in spite of not sleeping I am not actually tired. My bowels are giving me fits, possibly why I couldn't sleep too. Beside growling and complaints, and several 'productive' trips into the lou, it looks like diarrhea. Not a real issue in general terms but it could mess up my fluid intake system. I'm a bit nervous about it. Hopefully it's just a very short term issue. More fluid, for sure, will be allotted.

I hope I can either just stay up for the day or get by with a nap a little later, then on to mowing. I am so close to having the yard done that I just don't want to miss the opportunity to get ahead there. I actually think Sam likes the grass being cut. She goes out much more than she had been and begs like she used to, last summer, when things were trim. I doubt if the cool spring would have had her wanting to stay in. She still has long grasses and weeds in the lot next to me, so she gets the best of both worlds.

Fresh air is pouring in and has been these last few days. With lows in the 60's, I have just kept four windows which allow for the most total flow open. I could open more, but then it is easier to forget what all is open. And, when the sun is at the right level, I will be opening the curtains again today. What a novel concept. Am I out of mourning, is life starting, or... what? I still am not sure what happened with that. Just that it struck me as the right time to open them and... so it is? I do think it means something, it is significant, as if another part of my brain lit up again, something that has been dormant, if I doubt I or anyone else really knows what happened.

Have a great morning. No quotes around morning needed this time!

I haven't gotten to even a load of dishes.

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But I think I will before I sleep. I believe I will be going into town, again. Milk, looking for another litter box, Gatorade is low, and perhaps looking for a few things to tide over my little meals, perhaps cold cuts, salami, or... something. I simply don't dare run out of drink. But having cut back, the next containers of gatorade will last more like a month each rather than two weeks for two containers. Milk, however, is always a struggle to keep on tap. Yeah, a goat would be nice. Feeling better, I might even begin considering making my own cheese. Making it once in a while only though, there is only so much goat cheese one can eat. I might wash a load from each sink, reset, head to town, and see how I feel about another load when I get back though.

I was a bit more exhausted today than I at first would admit. I can tell my body was feeling it. At least this time there is a reason. I've been pushing pretty hard for a guy who was on his death bed less than a month ago. But I also think that is how most people live. You do what you can, which actually is quite a lot but never enough, then you rest. A natural order. I just need to make sense of my new natural order, and find out what the real limits are, make sure healing is happening and being allowed to happen, and such.

Perhaps, after mowing tomorrow, I will try to spend my energies on more academic pursuits. Getting back into calculus and some of the other math fields, would be a welcome thing. Perhaps, now, physics won't quite be so daunting. Being fully awake, mentally, much of the time, is... almost frightening. I bet I... actually, I do remember my neighbors names. That... is new. Hmm, I even remember the name of the neighbor who I have allowed access to my lot for the alfalfa. Absolutely amazing. But, such a change, so fast, it is frightening. The world just became somewhat more accessible, real, alive. In any case, I have been pushing and I need to take it down a notch. A major work project a week and typical care in the home should be enough until I know how well I am doing in real terms.

I still can't believe 129/90 with a pulse of 79, or close to those. Those medicines at those doses shouldn't even be showing much if any of a drop in blood pressure. Sensitive to medicines indeed. Well, onto a bit more work, a drive, and either a bit more work or not and an earlier bed time. Good night!

First visit done.

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I was able to get the shower, dressed, and shaved in time to visit one of my neighbors. It was a good conversation. The husband showed me how the land is divided, and I learned they do not own the lot beside me. Thankfully they knew who did, or at least they have a contact for someone in the family. I think they will be good people to get to know a bit. I may have someone to offer a hand putting the roof up next week. Neither of us knows what we are doing, strictly speaking, but neither of us is a complete dunce either. I can tell if another guy has some native mechanical intuit with which to work. He seems to have it. Information and contact, that I initiated. Another first as an adult, for the most part. But it was 20:30 by the time we concluded. So that is it for visits. Hmm, maybe a stroll to the post office though. My new glasses might be in.

I am going to have to watch the fluid. I have been a bit dry for several days. I have been lax on getting enough to drink. I think staying busy means I am not noticing and, the definition of being busy is that you aren't doing what you might normally do... sort of... just go with me. Too dry on what I am taking could be a serious problem. I have decided to cut the Gatorade to half strength as well. I don't think I need that much of what it offers, but water is simply not palatable. I need to get milk back on tap too. Despite it technically being a diuretic, I think I actually have a net gain of fluid from drinking it. And it adds variety and solid nutrients. Soda is an occasional treat now, too. I doubt if I drink more than a can or two a day and I don't always finish it.

Oh, one thing I am very pleased with... I am wearing the 38 waste jeans. I was pushing 44's into 46's when I moved here. What a change. They are a bit tight. I think that will change too. Simply being active will take care of much of the problem, after the water has been removed. What an amazing thing. My stubbornness might have it's problems, but I think this time, holding the doctors to bare minimum AND continuing to go, it might be paying off big time. Still, I needed a slow day today. Pushing it too hard too fast while my heart is still enlarged and other organs are still healing would be very unwise. If I can pass up a first heart attack I have an excellent chance at a real and long life.

Well, on to... something. Good night, for sure, I do believe.

Cover crops and open windows.

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A quick scan of cover crops, while I contemplate local involvement, has lead to the opening of a huge can of worms. I suspect the whole notion of actually putting in a cover crop, if I get to that point, will come down to a fairly quick easy solution. Of course, first I have to gain allowance from my neighbors, though it is a reasonable method of finally getting over to meet them. And then I would have to figure out how to get the area plowed, which means I will need to do some work in the area, which itself might end up being a whole other can of worms, since if I want to use the full length I will need to do some stump removal. Of course, for now, I could use 2/3rds of the length, assuming allowance or land checking makes that even possible.

Further, to do any of this, I am going to need to speak with at least one and as many as three of my neighbors. I am about to take a shower and go for a walk, to begin speaking with my neighbors. At least regarding three different issues. I have been seeing children in with the horses. In another sort of world I probably wouldn't mind, so long as there were no specific issues. But in this world, lawsuits make having unattended children a financial hazard at the very least. But too, the horses and llama should be heading back to their own land now. I had told a man he could take the crop there. With five large grazers beside taking up space and eating alfalfa to the nub, that can't go forward. And, the man who to my knowledge so far may be able to bring in manure and do the plowing is the man who I have given access to the alfalfa. So... visits begin. But a shower first.

Tomorrow is back to mowing, making some phone calls concerning business and Church, and probably little else. Thursday is busy taking Sam in for her next to last visit with the vet for the year and maybe housework. Friday may be a day to do shopping and shooting. I am hoping Saturday or Sunday to try my hand at climbing. If nothing else, I would like to work out a climbing solution regarding the ropes. I probably won't go higher than ten feet off the ground. But I might try to set the thing up, test it, take it down. Rest a bit. Then do it all over a time or two.

Throughout this week I am also going to be working on getting my schedule back to a daytime schedule. What I just did is a first though. I opened the curtains on my windows. I haven't done that for... decades. I don't know why I did it now or why I used to not do it, only that it is now both tolerable and... for some reason... wanted. Of course, when I need light in here to see, I will close them. Something, indeed, is different.

On to a shower, maybe a shave, and out into the world. I have... things to do. Good day.

Lots of questions.

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To bed after 6:00 and not out of bed until 16:00. I have been pushing though. I am backing off a bit today. Dishes will get cleaned in batches throughout the day and I will be trying to get to bed early tonight. Midnight or 2:00 might not sound early, simply compared to 6:00 might it be considered early. I just checked my stats, 129/90 with a pulse of 79. If I had let the doctors work, they would have had me trucked down and off my medicines by now. I am truly feeling like a new man. But I will still have to take my time getting back to truly full function.

I don't know if this can, or will, last. But I see that the doctors, after twenty some years, have stumbled upon the problem and with me as a guide, have treated it. Honestly though, now I have to figure out if all those would have, could have, should have, and will statements were just bluster or if there is anything of truth to the notions of who I believe I am. So much time is gone, I am so old now, how much is left in any case? And too, do I still have some serious limits? Treating an illness, as many know, is not a cure. Nothing but questions, actually.

Tomorrow I will mow. Today I am simply done for heavier work. Dishes and straightening, goofing and planning. Putting the roof on the coop is next weeks big project. As well, now that I am feeling better, if I can get going and begin visiting my neighbors, I might see if I can use that spit of land beside the drive for a long wide garden (it may actually be mine, but asking the neighbors would be polite anyway). I would like to find someone to plow it, deep, like a regular field, and mix in manure. It might be a bit late for a real garden, but I might look at D.C.'s ideas and see if a cover crop for this year might be worth the effort.

I don't want to push things too far or too fast. Money is and always will be a bit of an issue. My stamina is still very weak. I am not yet organized, everything around me is a blur as I come up to fuller mental function in the midst of domestic, business, and health chaos. It will take time to find my feet. Now is when a wife would come in handy. The only thing I know about life is if you aren't running you are falling behind. If I don't find a wife to tend many of the domestic duties, for me to get ahead I will have to find other means of tending that care or it will be most of what I do. But for now, domesticity will be a tool to rise, a goal to maintain, and a simple pleasure if done successfully until I can get other plans established and rolling.

I checked on my mother today. She was out of it yesterday because she had her eye surgery first thing yesterday. Between the stuff they gave her, this, and that, she was pretty groggy by the time I called. I had been a bit worried, she never sounds that rough. She is getting older, and sickness can strike at any time in any case. I was quite relieved to hear there was a specific and short term reason for her to be in such a state. A major relief, to be sure.

I gave her the good news. I told her that her son is back, and maybe like she has never known. Though I think I was doing good in the Navy. I was moving up, working hard, going places, making a name for myself. I really believe that. Then... I couldn't. I don't know what she thinks, or believes, or understands. Perhaps the next time we visit in real life, with evidence of more solid footing on my part, she will say more. Not that revisiting the past is the deal, I just want to... reboot and understand what happened and has been happening from her perspective. It may help with moving forward.

New man, indeed. Maybe, as things go forward, I won't even be talking about me. Projects, climbing techniques, fishing catches (stretched a bit perhaps), pictures of places that catch my eye, and other things around me... And people I meet. A new blog for a new man about real things. Time... given some time. I don't know about you, but I am tired of me.

More and more.

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I just can't quit. I have the last load of two loads of laundry in the dryer, I think the last of what I found in my search for things to wash and keeping up on my clothes. I have done two more loads of dishes and have two more soaking. One of those loads of dishes needs to be dried and put up. Some of the remaining dishes, yet to be soaked, are... pretty gnarly to put it nicely. Still, a few hours or an overnight soak will see to them. I have other tricks as well, should that not work. It is a lot of work. A week or two a bit at a time and many things are coming together. After the fundamentals are tended, I will clean the bathrooms again from a week or two ago, straighten and clean my bedroom, then begin ordering the rest of the living spaces. Next comes unpacking. Some things will have to remain in boxes until I get more furniture, so... estate sales, yard sales, and browsing here and there. I don't mind buying good used, even if I need to make minor repairs to hinges or drawer runs. I won't buy particle board furniture or other junk.

Next month I think the two things highest on my list for new purchases are a bike and the rocket stove. Other than that I hope to remain flush and just save for a month or two. I would like to, eventually, begin cutting the branches to foot lengths and storing those, to be used over the summer in the rocket stove. I really would like to get a feel for what I am dealing with in that stove. Eventually I would also like to get a solar oven or two. I might even take the rocket stove camping, if I can get to camping. Experiment with cleaning water by boiling, cooking, and perhaps other things. Of course nothing beats a standard fire at a camp site. But those are notoriously bad cooking instruments. Then again, you don't have to carry much in order to utilize a campfire either.

What a wonderful little bit of life I have finally started carving out here. There is real hope that I won't just be a cripple for the rest of my life. Even if I can't get on to a profession, I might honestly at least get into a simple, fun, working retirement. At my age I have doubts about working, simply being hired might be a bit tricky. Finishing college, as I slow down, would be a trick even if I regain mental and physical condition. Who knows though. But... there is truly hope for much more than what I have known. Yes, excited we are, as some short green lightsaber wielding menace to the dark side might have said. Although I think I am more excited than he would be.

Good night.

Hmm, there is always tomorrow.

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No kitty litter box, or none of the type I was looking for (the highest walled litter boxes I can find, thank you). But I did refill tobacco and then ordered a pizza. To be honest, Dominoes (assuming it is a well run branch) is a very good pizza. They even have some of the things girls seem to be demanding (like chicken). What they don't have is as much variety as some boutique pizzerias. But what they do have is good enough for me. Stock good quality ingredients, a regular and large menu wherever they serve, and very good prices. For me it is enough, and more. A half of a large pizza is seeing me into carb fatigue! But I enjoyed every bite. And, I have two meals in the leftovers.

What is odd is that, 50 pounds ago, I ate up to two of those at a time. No, I actually don't think that had much to do with my weight, odd as it might seem. I do think most of my weight issue has been an issue involving water retention, which as it is turning out provably, has nothing to do with salt, fat, or other consumption. Simply put, my heart was struggling and losing, water was being tucked away. Hmm, maybe that means I could go back to eating more! Yeah, but no. It's less expensive to eat less.

I am needing to figure out more things to eat other than simply what I have been eating. Cheese was fun for a while. Brots were tasty for a bit. Perhaps as the kitchen is ordered, I might again bring fresh fruits and raw vegetables back. Peanut butter works with those as well as ranch dressing and some others... a little dab will do you. What cold cuts wrap fruit well? Genoa salami, some better ham types... Eating more often and much smaller portions is an interesting way to go. It was by necessity more than choice, it just happens to work out after life improved. With everything doing so well I simply fear changing anything, definitely not quick changes. Any small portion meals that pack a big flavor taste for you all? Actually, with smaller meals, fancier things can be had since like a half pound of even $20 cheese will last two to three meals. Try that with yourself, your wife, and a handful of teens. But hey, if you have a handful of socialists (of your own making) living with you, and you can catch me (literally, though I won't run), I will buy you a couple of pounds of several good cheeses (once a year). Though I would advise you to hide the cheeses. What is yours is, well, theirs... you know?

I am not sure I will do another thing today. The ribs and back are a bit sore from standing for so many things. Then again, who knows. Just because I am complaining doesn't mean I can't function. With my mind working, sometimes overcoming the grumps of the body is easier. Oh, and Tylenol. I had... sort of forgotten to take that the last few days. The pain simply isn't even usually that bad. Hmm, didn't even see that stop happening. Maybe some Tylenol, a little stupid tube, then another couple of loads of dishes and laundry. It turns out it is the dryer that matches my washer which has the steam cycle for pillows. The washer has an allergenic cycle which isn't for this and a steam cycle but that is for getting wrinkles out. Bah! The washer might be had before summer is out though. Oh well, that saves me a bit of work in the short term. And clean pillows is good enough for now. I am absolutely amazed at how well I am doing and how easy it is to make use of myself in real ways. As much as I am doing, I actually now feel lazy, if that is because I am so out of shape from a two decade downtime that my body now can't keep up with my mind. Though my mind tries to push the time on even the washing machine, so... it isn't completely in sync with the realities of the space-time continuum sometimes either. Anywho... Ciao.

Had to go to town.

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I figured out why the gas shut off before filling my tank. I was down to a dollar and change in my local account. I figured I had best get some money transferred in, so I did. I made it just in time, I think. Banks are closing earlier and Saturday has been cut. Oh, I understand and it is no worry, as long as I know. I put a large chunk in, but I am hoping to not spend more than what is absolutely necessary. Another hundred in food, whatever the shots for Sam cost, and a bit of fuel. I have not been being reimbursed for travel to the V.A. Clinic in Ogden. It sounds like a lot of people are not being reimbursed. If I didn't plan on it, that would be one thing. But when I am told I will get it and then don't, it becomes more of an issue. I may have to contact my congressman. Hey, if they don't have it, fine. But if they are just lousy employees, they need the office cleaned up.

I did a bit of weed whipping when I got back. I needed money in the account for a number of reasons, and by Thursday, so that was a priority. After one shot of weed whipping, I checked on the bed spread, put it in for a bit longer, and then took a break. I'm still officially on a break and will probably take a bit more time on my break. I am already a bit tuckered. I guess even the little chores do add up and I have been very busy. One more run at weed whipping, at least or at most. More dishes this evening throughout the evening, another load or two of laundry which should just about be the end of that. I have a basket of clean and folded for which I need to find a more settled place. I really haven't been "together" enough, since moving in, to have everything arranged yet. Normally, as an adult so far, I never got to the point where things started having their set places. Wool socks, just wherever? No, I want to find a particular drawer for them. Same with all my items. Of course, once I have a place, I then need to put them there like clockwork. Anyway, bits and pieces, but definitely moving forward and not just slowing how fast I fall behind.

Not feeding wet food actually has the kittens being really nice. They are SO transparent. Hey, they don't intend to be tricky. But little do they know, I like having them around more. Nothing ever quite works as planned. I forgot to get the trash out, but it is quite a small amount. However, I also forgot the complete change of kitty litter. That has to be done every week. Sassy is less nasty, though that still comes and goes. Even without that, those boxes simply stink. I have heard that one cat box per cat plus an extra box is the way to go. The next time I am in town I may get another box. It's a lot more work but if it pays off in odor control, until I can afford an automatic box, I may go with it.

Drats! I was going to thaw a chuck roast for my good behavior and work ethic of late. Ah well, I will thaw it overnight for tomorrow. Cheese, brots, or sardines tonight, I guess. Hmm, maybe if I go in for the extra litter box I might grab something a little tastier. While my account is drawn down, I usually keep a few coin in my pocket. Enough to last me a few days just on wallet living if need be. Later.

Update: Despite not being sure, I did finish the weed whipping. It took three work periods and some hefty rest periods. Tomorrow, if I am able, I will get the mowing started. First High, then low, so that may take a few days. After that, raking. Actually, I think once I get to low cutting, I will mow and rake in smaller sections and all at once, mostly. I do believe I will make a trip to town yet tonight. An extra litter box might be worth it, but food I don't have to cook and something warm and different will definitely make the trip worth the hassle. Plus, I can get out and enjoy it. Driving is a pleasure, a leisure activity, now, again. I managed to call my lady friend and my mother. My mom was done for the day so she offered a rain check and I took it. I hope she is okay. My lady friend was a bit smarmy, in her typical way while she wakes for work. But it sounds like she is doing well. It's always nice to do a bit of catching up. I'm thinking of sending her a bit of money for a dinner somewhere. She is terrible with money, so even a little bit is a great gift. Well, on to dinner.

Up, earlier than suspected.

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It is taking a bit to wake up more fully. But then I was up until past 6:00... I am pretty sure. So a 13:00 waking and two hours to more fully wake, get my medicine down, and have a bite to eat isn't all bad. I even checked the comforter in the dryer and set it to dry a bit more and am considering another load for the wash. I will be steaming the pillows I am not currently using. They have all been washed, but steaming should kill dust mites on top of that. I just need to look at the manual to see which setting works for that, precisely. A shower, dressing, and then to get to the yard. I think I will weed whip what remains, then mow. Rather than doing this, then that, in parts. Since the yard looks so nice, I will also rake the parts I do. Today or tomorrow I need to get a gift certificate for some large pizzas. Yes, indeed. I need to find out who was clearing my driveway too. Dang it, gratitude has solid place in history, life, and personal relationships. And pizza is good gratitude.

I have put the girls on solid food for a bit. Sassy was begging too much on wet food. Her begging was getting too good, she perfected her whine amazingly. But while the squeaky wheel idea works, it also brings lots of attention, not all of it good. Let them eat cat biscuits for a bit. Sam won't mind, Sassy might need some 'time out's, all good in papa's book.

I am not sure how much of the dishes I can get through today. Or the laundry. It depends on how beat up I become doing the lawn. But I might be able to stretch my rest times, doing bits of it all, resting in stages. While I don't lose breath, or even sweat all that much, while working even hard, I do slowly drift into incoherence. Not the typical sort that work usually gives, but the damnably harsh type that sees me blind and confused. Actually, that I can work as I do at all is actually good. That I am stretching further into it is great. I sometimes wonder about it all. It is odd to feel better, after being down four months unable to catch my breath while even sitting and talking, and being truly dysfunctional for decades, to be finally doing better than I have in twenty years. My mom isn't here to push, I'm not taking a medication which pushes, and I am badly out of shape... and yet I am doing fantastic. I have to wonder where I will be in a month, or a year, at this pace. My life has started, again, after a twenty some year... emptiness. But the trick may now be to not kill myself living. Still, in some weird way, that would be funny. Don't laugh, damn you. (that's my job)

Well, on to a shower and dressing. Ah, clean work clothes. I have been keeping up on laundry. Smaller loads after a few days is seeing me without more than a basket of daily use laundry. Everything smells... good. Even my bathroom smells more like a pool than, well, a men's room. All very good. Later!