Restful sleep is a beautiful thing.

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I have been pushing just a wee too much I do believe. I simply need to take a day or two and, proverbially, catch my breath. Fine, fine, I can do the mowing tomorrow or the day after. I did get sleep in, finally. And it was such a good thing. I don't remember a thing about it. But waking up refreshed, with my mind and will back in some order, and a better understanding of my limits, for now, made the non-sleep a learning experience rather than a wasted suffering. Slow down, regroup, rethink, then begin back with baby steps. All good. That sleep has meaning is new to me, I wasn't going to let that pass.

I will continue to get back on my feet, continue with the dishes and sorting and straightening. Light duty for a few days is the deal. Anything that moves me forward just a bit. A bit every day. But I really pushed things and my body and mind rejected the push. With life truly becoming great again, I am not going to let that slip. Not for my want of a possibly fictional better life. Not to get everything to some level of perfect. Even so, my life is coming together. Clear thoughts, solid work, good health stats, a healing body, a cleaner home, a lot of good things. Even God rested, if only for a day in seven. I am neither God nor, really, a whole man yet.

I have realized that I am a doubting St. Thomas. Some things I believe, but not without working myself through lots of doubts, and not without some remaining nibbling doubts. I will, in absolute truth, be absolutely sure about very little so long as I draw breath. I am rather dogmatic (if ignorantly at times, in that regardless of what I think or believe, I easily and willfully defer to the Church on such issues). But if you understand dogma, the roots of the term, you realize that to be dogmatic is only falsely declared uncompromising or some such. To be dogmatic merely means, in it's origins, to... seem to think, or perceive to be right. Nothing is absolute. Some things are absolute within a faith, for example the sacrifice of Christ for our sins is absolutely necessary to believe in order to honestly claim to be Christian. Further, it isn't a side issue. It is the only issue. From there we discover what we must do in order to utilize that sacrifice to both God and our benefit, right ends, or however you wish to term it. So, I have no problem with doubts. Neither, in fact, did God. Christ quite easily allowed St. Thomas both his doubts, and proof. Christ did not in any words, but in action, anoint doubt, to a degree.

Of course, there has to be faith, trust, and such, or even getting out of bed would be impossible. I have to redefine my world by finding what I can trust, how I can trust it, and then go forth. I find the exercise much akin to climbing out of a well. Not all stones can be trusted equally, they must be tested and tested at the angle of particular purchase or use. Once found safe, more height may be accessed and the process continues. I am just waking up, in a way, to a world that has changed much. I have been trying to climb out of a mud sided well and and made it up to more stone walled part somehow. But it is all new ground, new understandings in my environment, and... a bit scarier because I don't want to fall back into the muck part. Careful, easy does it. I also know... there is no getting out of the well, not in life. We will climb until we ultimately fall... fall for the last time... at least on earth. Ah, but I'm ready for the climb even with the surety of fleshly failure. I just need to go slower while my 'boots' dry a bit and as I get used to the cutting and solidity of the rock face after being used to soft but insecure mud walls.

I blather. Hushutup already. Me or you? Definitely blather. Good day!