I have been told, recently, that I just don't get it.

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This in regards to something about someone playing the system pretty much just for their own gain. I can't remember the specific details, but the notion works with anything from an author lying and imposing false conclusions on data to sell a book, athletes who take unnecessary medication to improve their abilities, or actresses putting out, going through surgery, and such to "make it". I actually think the guy who said it believes I am naive. I don't think he had a clue that I actually do know. I also know that short cuts aren't worth it, not even for the individual involved. Is making $10,000,000 a year for five or ten years worth disabling yourself for life? Really? Especially considering that when you cut every corner to get there, assuming you make it, you have deprived yourself of the capacity to hold onto that money. You won't be able to deal with going from that income to... whatever you can make with what is left of your body and an atrophied brain, on top of other results from chemical boosters.

After talking to him a while, I think he actually realized that my dogma isn't just based on what "someone said", or even just on doing the "right thing" for it's own purposes. While those things exist, they aren't the sum total. And yet, despite seeing wisdom, I think this guy would have sold his body, his wife, maybe his kids (if he had any), and cheaply. No, he is in it for himself and will take the quickest easiest buck he can. While I treat him genially I have no allusions. If he knew I had a million dollars in my basement he would try and take it, if he thought he could, even if it meant killing me.

I am cynical, I really am. Despite that I actually don't believe most people are like him. While they aren't quite as adamant as I like to think I am, they really wouldn't kill to get ahead monetarily or really for most any reason. There are guys like that man, and much worse. There are also people who make me look like a mad-dog killer, who might literally simply surrender their life to threat. I am sure that many would do no such thing merely out of fear, pick what they might fear. They want to do what they want but aren't brave enough. Others are simply herd animals and won't go against it. Others simply don't have it in them, thought or action. And a small crowd have seen the options and have chosen, beyond the dogma they were taught, beyond their comfort, through suffering, and tested. I'm not absolutely sure where I fit. And, it changes over time, how you fit, what you can handle. It's a test every time, isn't it really?

Do I get it, though? Do I really understand? Or is he the one, as he thinks, who has it pegged? I could easily dismiss it by saying it depends on if there is God, and if so, how God interacts with us. But I don't believe that to be the case at all. I merely think God has been trying to tell us and we have busily, often times, been trying to ignore Him to do it wrong for wrongness' sake quite often. While that does affect the potential realities after death, it really has few strings here in the spiritual way. I actually believe doing the right thing is a fundamentally easier, cleaner, healthier, more satisfying way to live. Actually, because of my illness to a degree, I sense that I am 'not fit'. There are other reasons, but that is something that bugs me.

As for the man, I think he knows it too. In some ways, I think he hates me for my ways. I can only think he tries to maintain his ways out of pride, or something. He won't bow to God, he doesn't care for rules, it is about him. He is angry at God too, for not 'making him rich', 'famous', or 'powerful'. Actually, I think he is angry at everyone. We all owe him, in his mind, somehow. No amount of talking will really bring him out of that. It just amazes me. Yeah, no. When you got your first breath of life, you already got more than you deserve and these days you ought to feel lucky for it. For the first eighteen to twenty-something years, in a typical family, you are very much undeservedly clothed, fed, sheltered, and taught. A couple of suckers bothered to offer you a little of themselves and then afford you time here, in some measure of well being. What we deserve goes downhill as our age increases, like inverse graphs, on top of that. Owe? Deserve?

Just a bug I needed to... iron out. I'm not sure that is it, but... it'll get the thing out of my head and maybe I can sleep. I don't mind going to bed a bit later, I won't be mowing right at 8:00 or anything. I am hoping to get up about then, shower and be ready, then start at 10:00. People work around here, I don't want to bug them too early on a Saturday. Unless I hear other mowers going, then all bets are off... If I am awake. Good night.