Maybe.

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I made it out.  Just to the post office.  Two packages and a bundle of mail.  I thought about a trip to town, for a splurge of fast food.  I headed out, a bit excited.  Then I remembered my most recent ketone readings, my last blood sugar test, and... well... nothing else.  Everything else stinks.  I'm working on it, that is just the truth.  Still, I want diabetes fixed and that mess off my neck.  One year of clean blood sugars, or actually insulan two different things, at a certain level, and they have to declassify my situation for driver license purposes.

I thought about a trip to the store, for kefir grains to see if those work.  If not I'll have to get on the horn with the dairy to find the problem.  Hmm, if this call would go through soon enough I might call them yet today.  I am curious if raw milk kefir helps with diabetes.  It didn't work for me with store-bought milk, if it definitely soured and reproduced grains.  I am hopeful with raw.

I realized I might no be... presentable.  Oh, I showered last evening?  I think so.  But I got the trash out, finally, today.  Beside that being uncomfortably overdue there were two pots which... be thankful there is no smell-o-blog.  I think it clung though I used rubber gloves beyond elbows.  Had to go to the post, if... Could just be stuck in the nose.  Ugh.  Anyway, didn't go.

On the way out, a lady offered me a ride home.  It... was such a nice offer.  Fearless.  If I think God must often be with them.  It was a wonderful early Christmas gift.  And a reminder, for me.

As I was looking through mail, once home, another... spot of possibly good news.  SSA is restarting payments while they do the review.  First they said they were deducting some serious money.  I just... took a breat and kept reading.  Yes, there will be a reimbursement as well.  That is supposed to be deposited in days.  Problem?  The account they used to deposit into is shuttered.  So?  A call.  I was on, waiting, for 20 of a forty minute wait when they hung up.  I've been on for 10 ot 15 of what is supposed to be a 35 minute wait.

What to do with it?  Save it and else until spring.  A furnace and whole house ac.  Though I may spend the little dollars against any debts that might cover... which might be all or most of it.  Then no more debt for a year or more?  Probably until a new fridge and else next fall, but only a third to half, depending on my situation.  Ugh.  The next mess is the kitchen floor and maybe wall treatment.

If they don't keep hanging up.  Later, or good night and day.

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Nope.  They sent it where I told them not to send it and were baffled as to why it was returned.  So they cancelled it out, again.  Messages were sent, but she didn't know if anyone could do anything.  May have to reapply for what good it will do.  Dunno.  Though this late, I may lose backpay and have to reapply fresh.

Roughly better?

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Some things are difficult to define.  I am better.  It is rough.  Sleep was difficult, I woke often in pain.  It felt like muscle and joint aches from poor sleeping angles so adjustments were always being made.  I did sleep, but not well or deeply.  It was 58 when I went to bed, so I needed the fan.  It got down to 50 by the time I woke.  Could have done without extra cool but airflow was nice.

Strange dreams, most gone.  In one I dreamed of nine conceptions... the nights of.  I am certain, as certain as my mind gets, of three, suspect another three, but... could be just a dream... Anyway, each of those were contrasted by hunting episodes.  I am sure, as possible, of the hunting and fishing.  A small buck, pheasant, a duck if that wasn't my shot was it Adam, a prize brook, sqirrles, and others.  I have no good idea on the meaning of this one, if perhaps a few ideas.  I almost or sort of hope my mother gets to meet some of them.  I suppose if she decides to aim for heaven, and they do as well?  It's, most likely, the only way, for even if all go to hell that places defines loneliness.

I have gained another pound, consuming several cups of twothirds broth chili.  Wetter than I like, just added a bit too much right at the end.  I am *cough* very regular, and ketones are measuring 40 plus, so...  Oh, not water build up either.  Very strange if weight isn't even a goal.  Further, some third of the pain is from getting smaller... dimples in my sides as volume shrinks.  Fasting does work if other factors are covered, enough is eaten, and blood work is ongoing.  I rounded up the keto goop, minus a certain vitamin.  Now to add it occasionally, as needed to help with physical activity.  I am definitely feeling drained, if pain dissipated quickly today.  Yeah, a keto mix and that vitamin, maybe a mess of them, part time on top of dailies.  If I can get something going, then work and walk, perhaps doubling up would quadruple results?  So long as I watch things, maybe.

Imagine being the one who dies, the witness, and the one behind it all, at the lower levels.  Penance?  One would hoqe so.  Not quite a loop, save in... a way.  I can't get out.  Still, so be it.  Would far rather suffer here for another hundred years than even a day in pergatory.  Amen.

Later.

As sleep beckons pain returns.

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While it returns, and in a global fashion, rather than raw and brutal as a jackhammer it is still as any great din though from a distance and furthered mellowed by snowy ground and fog.  It increases as I linger, so to be brief.  Still to suffer for another is no terrible price, or as I see things.  The more concerning pains are all but gone I think, so far.

Chili was made.  I amgetting good at it, even with inferior beans.  A couple of cups of the bright stew filled the hunger.  I need more, and consistent, food.  Perhaps I missed more than I thought, for I feel stuffed after three to four cups.  No worries.  A roast beef and chicken drumsticks will be cooked tonight.  Need something beside a bean dish, for certain.

Life is better.  Some work two days in a row.  And back to a bit more reading.  The room had grown too cold, took a day or two to figure that and alter patterns.  Good night and be well.

I think I hit on something.

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Much better if still a bit tired.  Pains, all around, have improved.  I do believe I was excessively dry.  Ther are still a few issues, if solid food will help.  Dishes, the batch in action, is ready enough for a rinse and use.  Mostly need a stock pot for chili.  I worked the cast so as to fry burger, it can get a bit funky if not used in a bit, even if cleaned well before storing.  The meats are all thawed as well.

I did shower, set the laundry for a short run, and am about to hit dishes.  I will probably set the burger to go as i set dishes to soak.  As hot as the heater is set, in the big bin, it takes an hour or two for reasonable handling... the trick is to get it when it is still very hot, so drying is fast, glass stainless and such sparkles, and germs are reduced.  I'm more interested in sparkling than germs.

After reviewing air compressors, researching to my ability, then thinking things over, I finally pulled the trigger.  The sale at one site, was only an incidental bonus.  Of course now I need a hose, parts, perhaps filter options as well.  It should do everything I need, maybe want.  Not sure if I need 3" nailing or house paint, though I am not sure, regardless of advertisement, if this or it's competition would do that.  They refuse to be honest.  What does fulltime versus intermittent really mean?  How long, really, is fulltime.  I'd love to try the low pressure paint system.  If it works well enough, I'd like to repaint every room.  Dreaming, but if it simplifies enough, possible.  Should handle the various tires, and is portable in all ways if needed... can go 220/240 too, if I wanted to tie it down.  Happy.

Hmm.  Time to start things.  Later.

A bit better.

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There is still pain, everywhere, just of the sort I can just say "Meh" about.  I took a day off the waterpill, might do one more, then cut it some.  I just didn't realize how much less I have been drinking until paying close specific attention.  Yeah.  

After checking for heart attack symptoms, and that definitely not being it, not a true crushing pain, no sweets, no shortness of breath, the other pains being so different, and the length of symptoms?  No.  Still that did leave me curious.  A solid pain inventory suggests excessive inactivity plus, maybe, becoming too dried out.  Sitting and laying too long, almost without breaks, just makes the body sore.

I did a few things yesterday and am in line to do more today.  I've set laundry to a short tumble, plan on a shower after I wake, checked the thawing meats.  They are ready, so chili later, a roast in to be done as well, and chicken tomorrow.  I plan to brine the chicken, then grill it, with hot pepper sprinkles.  I'll probably finish the last of my rice to go with the chicken.  That should buy the time to get to town and buy beans and butt, oh, and kefir grains.  The store-bought kefir worked with store-bought milk, but not with raw milk.  I do fear if regular kefir grains don't work.  I will be... left wondering about this and that.  I'd better get anacin too.

Speaking of thefts... I noticed my smoked paprika is being borrowed.  How do I know?  I bought it years ago, tried two teaspoons, didn't like it so haven't used it since.  Went to use it as a color marker on eggs and it was mostly gone.  Pro-tip... many of my spices are way too old... wouldn't advise.  And I best not find you in my tools, especially with sockets gone missing.

Later.

Might not have been the snappiest...

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I am surprised anything got done, but the whole list?  It hurts, a lot, almost everywhere.  This time work exacerbated everything that hurt.  Oh, well, was going to hurt no matter what.  The shower is open, in case I canuse it, laundry save for what is in the dryer and the maddening sorts of which there is rarely enough to do, especially in "efficient" washers.  Gah!

The hope is, after reading and prayer, a shorter sleep then to shower, warm the clothes to finish, set the dishes to a soak, then hit the kitchen.  I really think I need a solid, more rounded meal.  My stomach feels like it's empty, save for food it can't digest, like cardboard or such.  Lung are a bother too, as if chlorine infused... dried chemically but still wet somehow.

Doc wants an appointment.  Due to finances, not until Feb.  Should check on ssa, though it looks like I've been blown off again.  I need medicine next month.  Can't afford those and a doc call in the same month.  One thing at a time.  If ssa hasn't done anything by then I guess I will have to reapply from start.  Yeah.

Hungry?

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Is that the primary pain?  It sure seems like it.  The scale disagrees, oddly.  In spite of eating one smaller meal a day, four eggs and a quart of milk today as an example, plus drinking only just at a gallon a day with no fluid retention at all to the point of watching and shuffling meds, I don't quite get it.  I am losing size, just not weight.  Even so I think hunger is a large part of my problem.  Meats have been put out.  No pork butt on hand, but beans are first anyway, in that meal, and I don't have them on hand either.  I do wonder if refried beans have to be pinto or if black beans would work?  I won't try that until, if ever, I master the standard recipe.

Before I can cook I need to do a lot of work in the kitchen and do a bunch of dishes.  I am hoping to do that before the meat is thawed.  Another meat-heavy batch of chili would work.  I need to get ground pork and lamb for variety.  A little mix and match really adds to life.  I'm thinking of trying mixed meatballs with spaghetti and how I do sauce these days.  Cooking is a lot of work, with all that goes with it even more so.  Still, have to eat and eating out is well beyond my paygrade, even much of what is bad food.

It may be about time for a nap.  I'd like to switch out the laundry first, perhaps give dishes a final wash then set them to rinse, and fold and store the laundry which is dry.  Some of it?  Later, either way.

Pretty rough.

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From when I attempted a nap this morning and failing to now, through sleep which happened much later, I have been harshly sore.  Anacin is gone, but shouldn't be.  In August I had two spare, plus one open, only about half used.  What sucks is even if I could lock things up, being inside they would just pick the lock or figure a way around.  Thefts aren't as frequent but they still happen.

The pain is worse in the "morning", at bedtime, and while sleeping.  Usually recovery, in the "morning" is quick... usually.  This "morning" isn't the best.  Why both bottles?  Really?  I have been doing bits and parts of work each day.  Not getting to much, if three areas get stepped at least one advancement.  A bit here, then there, between blank moments.  If I could do more work, over a few days, I think that would work out the knots and pain.  I'll keep trying.

Not much else for the moment.  Perhaps bits from the book I am still working on later, if I can focus.  Reading isn't as regular, a few chapters daily most days.  Good reading.  While it might be Catholic based, as a former protestant, I could see it having been good reading.  Only, however, if you think Christ's life is truly worth studying.  From what I have seen most Christians really don't.  No matter what else, for most, no matter, dying is for losers.  Hell, even the first pope denied Jesus three times.  The Rock, upon which the church was built?  He died for Him very painfully.  No complaints, all said and done.  And humbly did he die.

Another nap?

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That is the goal, but things haven't been working as planned and hoped lately. Prayers are nice but... then again that isn't why I pray.  Still, no choice. I must sleep.  If I can just nap, maybe I can do workday stuff.  If not next week.

While I was winding down it seemed like a good time to check blood sugar... 174.  That is down 75 to a 100 points in less than two weeks of daily fasting (eating only within a six hour window per 24 hours).  I might have gone without eating for two days in there, due to fog, but no more.  And, yes, I ate, well, today.  Now to drop that last 75 and keep it at 100.  Docs have said that they want it down to 80. Never.  I nearly pass out at 69, I fear coma. Docs are... either murderous or stupid a little too often for my trust.

Food on the mind.

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Fasting is good.  So are treats.  However treats don't need to kill the program.  Ketones are measuring between 30 and 45 in just a week and change.  A fast food with all the wrong things won't wreck that for me.  The problem is, when I start that way it isn't easy for me to stop... like the chip commercial.  And, yeah, I want to keep ketosis going.  Sorry about the bad breath from it, but I'd rather cure diabetes than worry about social niceties.

I have found that if carbs are homemade, without sugar or other weird forms of carbs and else, I can handle those well.  As a treat I can do that rarely, even in excess, especially with the right fats.  It will neither throw ketosis off nor create a feast frenzy beyond control.  Using good whole carbs, homecooked, with the right recipes, and life is golden.

Another day, another chance.

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Thursday?  Good.  I was thinking it was Friday.  There are things I hope to do before the weekend.  Not sure it's  possible, but a day is a chance.  When sleep arrives while groggy beyond reason what day it is or will be upon waking just doesn't always work out as it might seem.  More so when wave after wave of off days and nights batters the senses.  It is amazing that I am tending the girls, medicine, amd food.

I am fasting again, daily fasting.  Because of the fog I usually eat one meal a day.  Some of the pain, as I remember from the last time I fasted, is from internal shuffling.  It isn't that I am losing too fast, mostly.  It is that my body hasn't been in this size territory in thirty years.  Organs, connective tissue, muscle, and fat all has to try to puzzle itself all together again, and on a still changing area.  Add in extra long sleep sessions which put that under extra stress and, well, things will hurt.

Why try to lose weight?  To be honest that is not even one of the actual goals, merely a potential side effect.  The real goals are to control, perhaps eliminate, diabetes... again, affect heart rate and pulse, and otherwise improve health.  Medicine won't do it, neither would surgery.  Modern Western medicine is a partly controlled death, not a way to health.  You have to choose health, work for it, know when and regarding what to trust your medical employees, then go from there.  Do your own research.  Would you go to a clothier and just tell them to dress you?  People wonder why they can't afford doctors but do that very thing.  Doctors pretty much just sell pills.

The pain often goes shortly after getting up.  The fog seems to last, never fully lifting.  Wait, I think the last time I was fasting I researched brainfog.  There was a couple of vitamins, a ketone starter mix, and...  Yeah.  I'll round that stuff up and begin using.  I don't think it will help with pain, but that is far less of a problem than a semipermanent daze.  I want to get to some work and projects.  Love working when possible.

The dress shoes don't fit. I'll need to return those, trying a 13 in one of them. I hate buying shoes.

Later.  Actually it might be naptime.

Had to laugh.

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While youtube has locked up, for the most part, sjw's push a volley through.  It was based on me not being wed.  Thing is, for a man, being single isn't a major issue.  Even as ill as I am I get through.  I'll never go through menopause, become as weak, or even become invisible (ask any women at the tale end of middling, if she has superior genes).    I can still flirt with college aged women on up, I am noticed.

I'm attempting to imagine the type of females and males who would be happy about such: females first; middle aged divorcees, women with no prospect for whatever reason, and young women who have been in the easy lane and are just about to hit the fork... going into the difficulties of life with a chance at risky success or staying with the easy life until prospects are gone; the male side are the guys who will never get to see a woman once, possibly not without paying for it.

It is funny.  Women who can't give it away or who haven't learned yet, and guys generally considered below giving it to.  Dogs end up higher on the ladder.  Laugh as they may, even if that can be counted as a failure, along with my illness, I have a far superior life.  I even have children, by women who wanted them and really with exactly me, not even just one, nice looking in that time.  I do feel for those like that.  Even their attacks merely show how terrible, miserable, sad, their lives are.

So much for a nap.

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I didn't do all planned before the nap.  I didn't sleep as early as planned.  I did get several tasks completed, including a few that weren't on the list.  There is always more to do and often more to tasks than what can always or easily be anticipated.  Which is fine.  What was it I heard?  Ah, yes.  If you find yourself in hell, keep going.  While this is decidedly not hell, it is as close to it as I would like to be.  So? So keep walking!  * shakes head*

At 5:30 Ifinally went down.  Pain has been rare and mild.  Fog is here but not a complete shutout.  I am rested, fed, medicated, and well.  I thus thought it would be a nap.  Thirteen hours later and I am just waking.  Intense dreams, alighter sleep, but all good save minor body aches from laying too long.  Those usually pass quickly, especially if I can get to work, which is probable.

I finally discovered what MGTOW means, beyond the words.  No, that isn't my deal.  I simply didn't find wifely material both of us could agree upon and I realize time is up.  If I had a correct diagnosis I would have been married.  I passed up some very good options specifically because they told me wrong.  I have no problem with men who are dropping out, or women.  Especially seculars.  If sex is just for pleasure marriage is foolish.  Perhaps, for many men, they honestly can't afford a woman, alone, definitely not with children, in more ways than financial.  Some of them seem seriously sour grape sorts, been there done that even having sampled... broadly.  I finally can afford but it's too late.  So it goes.  Now I know though.

A shower, a bit more laundry, and dishes.  Always more.  First to more fully wake.  Was expecting packages today, did not arrive.  Bleh.  Later.

Better, again.

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No pain, rested, though still a bit foggy.  If plans work laundry that is dry will be folded or hung then put up, dishes will get a first shot, then a shower and shave.  Perhaps a nap around 3:30 give or take an half.  If there is more to me after that, dishes will be finished and by then a trip to the post office, perhaps trash to the outside bins on the way.  That will leave life open for a trip to town soon, just a bit of shopping.

Of course, first thing, making the bed and "morning" prayers.  Wherever, and whenever, you are, there you are.  Oh, and one of my orders of dress shoes is in.  It it fits, and I like it, I'll be looking in that brand for a pair in brown.  I don't have many dress outfits, but enough for at least two different colors of shoes.  Plus variety.  Not required if not purely a luxury.

I have missed making the bed, and various prayer times, but do rather much better after solid advice, a plan, along with some to me astounding successes.  I don't know why successes in so many areas happened all at once.  This has been the intent for more than a decade. I have tested things too.  I... am surprised.  I mean to research some things along certain lines.

Wish me luck?  Later.

Hmm?

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Right bedtime.  Way past bedtime.  I was going to bed... ten or twelve hours ago.  It was believed, felt like the time, would have fit the typical schedule.  I can't tell you what did or did not happen to make that so.  I turned down the heat, medicine and food were administered, nothing unusual happened.  I think I am nearing being awake for 21 to 22 hours.  Really close, or over that.

Oh well.  I am feeling better.  Not numb just better.  Good night and day.

I don't know.

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What time do I wake, go to sleep, this day or that?  While I am doing better, seemingly more able, why do I fog over and end up doing so little.  The want is there.  The will and muscular aspect of flesh seems solid.  Prayers happen especially when things seem at risk.  Snow, which surprised me, but then nothing.  And it is bedtime again.

There is tomorrow.  The pain remains if milder.  I will read from the book, usually two to four chapters depending on several things.  Prayers and sleep finish the day off well.  Things are set up for work, a shower, and some other potential tomorrow.  Hey, if you aren't just waiting for me to die, and you happen to pray, might I bum a few words from you to God.  Even if you don't think He listens to one such as I, you know he listens to you, right?  *grins*  Prove your bona fides, if thats what it takes though, I'll probably include you in mine.  You will need it and more.

It seems youtube is refusing much access.  If they are a dying company or simply completely sjw converged, if that is a repeat though the cause may be different, it looks as if youtube, by making me dead to it has become dead to me.  When the politics of your advertisers is more important than your and their clients, as if that is even really possible in anything but a thought police state, your business is done... until it is a full police state, if too only as long as the state survives.  I think they are doubling down in their death throws.  I hope so.

Does youtube want to know what would potentially save them?  Cut their ad-free fee in half, guarantee vids older than five years so a user could download and re-upload should an account be banned, allow consumers to privately choose the races in ads if they choose not to pay, and stay completely out of politics, being involved only when compelled by law over a vigorous legal and political team.  At this point they seem to be a party to the worst elements of government control.  If that wins, they will become a part of the bureaucracy as they are in China, and probably other nations, including Euro state agencies.  Then they will really begin policing themselves... don't think most sjw's will like how Trotskyites end... just like the others, simply more stupidly surprised.

Wow. Not as bad as anticipated.

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I truly thought shoveling was going to hurt.  As broken, beat up, and crippled as I have been I really... wasn't looking forward to it.  Just getting dressed for it seemed to wind me.  Happily half of the drive was cleared, the sun must have shined?  Even some sun can do much.  I decided to get to it as quickly as possible, which wasn't exactly impressive.  Still it was what I could do, and not bad all givens.

There was between an half inch and two at the deepest.  It seemed pretty wet, if it was well into freezing.  It went quickly, as smoothly as I thought only to be dreamed.  No extra pain, no enhancement of the pain, even the pain from the start dissipated with the snow.  Still with the fog, but not exhaustion.  I do wonder how much faith studies might help me not just tame my penchant for sin, but also add to my simple ability to function.  I already have charitable work in mind.  If that would be silly if I am not taking care of myself and my home duties.  Still it is a goal.  Charity, love, starts at home.  If not I think it is a false pride?  Summit like that.

There is always hope.  Now to finish the chores set up yesterday.  If I can catch up on regular stuff then I can dig into so much that is in arrears.  Who knows.  I don't agree with all this book suggests.  I don't think that is the point.  It isn't to become Christ, it is to explore that with my whole heart and mind and soul.  This book makes that much easier.  As with the Bible this is a book which won't be read then set aside.  Might read it again right away.  Hmm, I should log my disagreements, explore them, then review in my second reading.  Don't know about you, but I can be a fool to even a God damned fool.  If it wasn't for His simple true full love and forgiveness...  Still it's what I have.  And it works more than not.  Good to test and sort it though.

Later.

A short break.

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I couldn't sleep as quickly as hoped.  Just an hour off if that seemed to throw things way off.  Sleep was good.  I needed more than thought.  Each time I woke an attempt to wake took place.  Pain returned about half way through, not as bad as before.  Solid, steady.  I could sleep through it mostly so I did, which again extended sleep.

It's not a terrible 'morning', just tight.  I looked out.  Some of the snow is gone, but I still need to shovel.  I hope it hasn't frozen in.  I'll be to it shortly.  The pain isn't as bad as it has been and even half the sleep being pain free allowed a good rest.  A break on two fronts definitely helps.

I see Trump is winning.  In court he reclaimed the right of presidents to do their job and keep terrorist prone populations out for long or all.  What he ought to do is repatriate every foul orc allowed in by the illegal ban on his action.  As well, I have to believe that the feds could find real federal crimes against not just the San Fran murderer, but also public officials involved with the murderer and case.  How can murder by an illegal NOT be a federal item?  Illegal status is a fedral item, so any crime committed by them must also be federal.

As well, president Trump undid two Zero federal land grabs here in Utah, and is looking at more than a score of others.  One of them was on my personal list, the staircase.  I once knew a... man... who pretended to be a friend who was so happy with Zero's actions.  I told him, if Trump won, no other repug but Trump, he might rescind.  Laughed at, told never done before.  I looked him right in the eye and told him Trump was different.  No coward like repugs he knew, and a winner.  I know he is raging as much as I am pleased.  Courts, of course, but he is doing well there.  Further, if he wins, no Repug president will again be allowed to betray us.  Actually?  This may be the start of the first federal government bureaucracy real reduction I have seen in my lifetime.

Now for him to politically and physically survive the various sorts of assassination attempts by the enemies of the state, domestic and foreign.  Supporters have our roles too.  As with Judge Moore, knowing good and right against agents of the liar is not just a right but a duty.  We DO police our own, it is time we do it rightly, not allowing them to whisper lies in our ears to kill careers of right men.  Even our men who have faults are better than their "men" who don't even believe in virtue or sin.  Just think about that for one hot damn minute!

Anyway, have to wake then get going, in... a bit.  Later.

Better for no good reason.

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The pain lifted.  It was there, like a ton of bricks, crushing the life out of me.  I just went about life.  Suddenly I realized the pain was gone.  A bit of stretching and testing seems to prove it out.  Not that I am suddenly full of vim and vigor, but if pain stays abaited I might get there.  I loaded dishes, started on food, and hope yet to do a load of laundry through, with a load dried out and in the dryer.

I may nap in there, hoping to get to the post office by it's noon closure... unless it's some sort of holiday?  Don't hate, I usually don't remember my birthday.  Not a health thing, just my specific brain wiring.  I have attempted to correct it to no good ends.  Can't find calendars with Christian and US holidays either, and the smartphone/apps reset with every reset.  I gave up.

A bit of a problem is that it is snowing.  I don't know how much is expected, will check.  The plow isn't attached if I doubt it will be needed.  However that still leaves shoveling.  I'll definitely need a nap in there.  If the pain stays gone perhaps a good recharge can happen in a hurry.  If I can finish dishes, the first shot, I can leave the shower open for when I wake.  Then do laundry and reset dishes as I edge to a walk to the post, or a shovel and drive.

Sorry, Buttercup, I just don't think death is in the cards.  What was all that about?  Perhaps a different kind of death.  Yeah.  Maybe.  Men, some, don't end in some ways.  But when they realize the hunt is over, they can park it out back and just walk on.  A different sort of death.  That is my bet.

For some reason the Catholic links have stopped populating in youtube.  I don't know if the authors can reject, or if that is sjw action on yt's part.  Or even advertiser complaints.  I strongly suspect one or both of the first.  Happens often.  Should check to see if the vids have been yanked.  Yeah.

Later.

Can't fix it.

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Pain.  I can't sleep through it, medicine isn't solving it, anacin isn't touching it, neither fasting nor food are helping.  Just because one suffers, and there can be good from bearing it, doesn't require mere submission.  There are limits to management.  I suspect it will come and go.  I am unwilling to take anything addictive.  Better to suffer, and that even with broken ribs.  This is not that.  I wonder if a senator can handle a bit of pain?

Sleep is no longer full for it, stretching sleep so as to attempt to obtain a fuller rest.  Rolling and tossing while searching for comfort.  Pillows being used as wedges for areas which are getting too much pressure and wear.  I let the girls in sometimes.  Just for portions, for their will and to have some company.  As well so they aren't forgotten, to make sure to remember that they need food, fresh water, and litter changes.  Yeah, they let me know, if sometimes they try to take advantage.  Just like kids.

I won't say this is the worst, only that it's regularity combined with it's intensity is wearing thin.  Further all efforts to relieve either aspect has thus far failed.  I am out of remediations.  Time.  Patience.  Prayer.  On the good side, medicine, food, and sleep are doing well.  I get sleep, and some rest, if a bit fitfully and through excess.  I have tried pushing through on raw limits, but that just creates a huge mess.  Would rather split my day than end up with bits and parts and no regularity, from which I am still recovering.

Prayer, reading, basic care, and what else is possible continues.  I'll... keep at it.  I need to get out, just to be out, soon.  Bleh.  Later.