Always good.

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Lower numbers in health instrument readings, as a general rule, within limits, and regarding readings I can take at home.  Back on keto, doing shots before meals, and testing to specs.  This is the first time since falling away, without fasting, I have nearly been completely below 300.  Fasting was 297, before the first meal two hours later, it read 303, and before this last meal, again two hours apart, and the reading dropped to 204.

Yeah, this will be processed quickly.  Then to stick closer to keto.  Forever?  If I want to kick diabetes and medicine, yes.  Once out, even while grinding, I can have an off meal occasionally, two, perhaps three times a week.  Regular soda included, if that is too risky.  Begins a bad habit.  I will keep tabs on blood sugar even if I can kick it.

Technically it is just midday, according to when I last woke.  If that was a terribly off par sleep cycle.  I may head on to bed shortly.  So sleepy.  If, again, almost too sleepy to sleep.  I'll try.  Actually right now.  Yes.  No cats allowed.  They have been annoying lately and I need solid sleep.  Good night.

Ouch.

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Not as much pain, grogginess, or grump as expected.  I wasn't able to sleep until 7:00. Woke sometime at right at 15:45.  I tried to remember the times, had to really think, was finally able to recall.  A bit stiff and sore.  A bit tired.  The world has a soft glow from sleep fogged eyes.  But good, really.

A second call to my mom.  This one went through.  She is doing well.  Their whether is tracking ours, a few days behind.  They got a good deal warmer, if as much due to lower elevation, humidity, and a much longer sunshine window.  A four degrees difference wouldn't be thought all that much, but that sun, through the lens of that humidity...  wow.  She was pleased, cautiously, with my car.  Her guy's son recently bought one.  Extra happy I didn't get rid of my Xterra in the process.  I didn't think she liked my Nandi?  Women!

After two days of solid sun, much needed and greatly appreciated, it is again overcast. No complaint.  As with bobbing on the river, surfacing for air enough was... enough.  Back under?  So be it.  I can actually use that to my advantage.  I heal better in the cold.  Even cool weather is better.  Between my pushing and starting insulin, healing will begin.

I have been too busy, and traveling, so eating right hasn't been possible.  Even so, my highs are down to the lower 300s, and my fasting draws have been amazingly sub 300!  Yeah, it is already, after a day and a third, having a rather large effect, moreso given foods consumed, and fewer meals.  Back to keto today.  Intermittent fasting too, or the beginnings of carving that back into... ¿out of?... my world.  Takes time to re-sort things.

Anyway.  Good early evening.

Busy longer day.

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Two of those in a row.  Too wiped to settle to sleep.  A test drive.

It was a 2014 Chevy Cruze.  Rated at 30 mpg mixed.  Technically a five people sedan, but it would be tight in the back seats.  Huge trunk... I'd rate it at at least a two body trunk, maybe three.  ;p  The transmission on her is smooth, a six speed manual.  She only has a a 4 cylinder but you wouldn't know it.

I was a bit hesitant to take her out.  Even as forgiving as the transmission was, I never depended on that.  I did well.  We did the deal.  That is dependent upon a shop review, but it looks and sounds right.  I even drove it home through middling to heavy traffic.  I made one mistake while gearing down.  The clutch is tight and needs complete compression.  No biggie, I just had to glide to my turn, there realizing my problem.

I had to compromise, on many things.  As did they.  That is business.  Did I get a good deal?  On paper, assuming everything checks?  Oh yes, a generous deal.  But I was willing and mostly able to barter.  You have to ask, push, and drive.  They can't hand you a deal.  It was as good of a deal, and then some, as was possible given the givens.

Oh, after the cake was baked, and while doing small talk, my age came up.  Yeah, I... surprised.  A lot.  They seemed to have thought I was joking, by a lot.  I suggested if the deal wasn't done, I might have thought they were attempting something.  But no, the deal was done.  Thankfully no awful stew.  Salt fixes most things, though travelling in a rush means luxuries aren't always possible.  Then it is pure grit and a smile.

A cascade she started.

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She had other thoughts, but it created a reaction.  She isn't a believer.

It took longer to get to bed than anticipated.

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A texts.  Okay, it doesn't look like I said, did, or wrote anything troubling?  Too troubling.  I'll check when eye contact is available.  Still, good for now.

The temp was 60f out there, so I opened a bunch of windows.  I meant to close them all an hour ago but forgot one.  Best check them all before bed, just to be sure.

I did ask my doc about bleeding, or sore plagued hands, just in case the heart or diabetes might be the cause, she is going into cardiology.  Nope.  She wouldn't look at the sores.  I showed her my top sudoku score too.  She... was actually... surprised.  Just... developing an understanding.  Though I found out I will only see her one more time, then she is gone.

All good.  So very tired.  Now good night.

A very long day.

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I couldn't sleep.  I had an appointment this morning.  So, by the time I arrived, I had been awake sixteen to eighteen hours.  First a blood draw, then primary.

Traffic was brutal.  I missed my off-ramp on top of it.  Road rage, but not at people, at the condition.  I still made it an hour early, showered and shaved.  My doc wasn't happy with my research.  She said they use the best.  I merely asked if she honestly thought her sources were better than the Mayo clinic.  Oops.  Awkward moment.

She may believe.  I hope she does.  False beliefs can be cured.  Indifference, or especially malicious intent, not so much.  I didn't do more than state my case and not back down.  She wanted to be right but couldn't simply make it so.  Period.  I really don't argue, debate, negotiate.  Not when there is no need or right purpose.

I was sure, from the long day and brutal road, my blood pressure was going to be sky-high.  The first one was in the low 140s/80s to 90s?  I was tickled blue.  But, no, that wasn't good enough.  Oh, I was terrified it would be higher.  With all the givens, I... had doubts.  Still... it's their gridiron.  Wonderful, as it turned out, say 121/very low 80s!  Pulse showed my effort, 110 at first, no second reading.

So, I have the heart and bp better by lots.  The heart has thickened and deformed from the pounding, but it is pumping out blood fast enough.  Mostly.  Now for diabetes and weight loss.  The A1C was at 12, not good at all.  Here is were we crossed words over medicine.  Further, I simply refused anything other than the fastest acting stuff they had, or I would save up for it.

We... negotiated.  Oh, I understand.  I assured her.  And described some things that clarified my understanding, including methods for and reasons to hack insulin pumps. Anyway.  I agreed to whatever hoops and instructions she would demand, and to my honest best, so long as my preferred product was offered.  The deal was struck, scripts and instructions were written up.  I will read them each day for the next few, and keep them around.  Pretty easy, mostly, but I am so tired.

I was half way to the interstate before I realized I forgot my scripts.  I thought about just keeping going.  But, no.  I had asked for people to sign off on it, over their own objections, and I know it will work.  So back I went.  As I entered the campus, one of the coppers was right on me.  Maybe just going the same way.

I got in, saw the pharmacy rep, then went to the pharmacy to wait.  A fed cop showed up, stood at the end of my solitary aisle.  Hmm.  While I was waiting, I remembered the missed eye appointment, so rescheduled that.  Then sat back down.  An half hour goes by and the cop just kept standing there.  I asked him what he was doing.  He said he was just hanging out.  Another half hour, so I ask if he is waiting for someone to leave.  Again, he says he is just hanging out.  They don't... just hang out.  Fifteen minutes later and he leaves... to be replaced by a plain clothes, sitting at the end of my otherwise empty aisle.  I wonder if that is standard procedure from now on.  I'll talk to some people there and elsewhere if it continues.  It'll end quickly.  Promise.

Oh, and glorious sun.  Here, all the way down, and back.  I had my, mostly, last junk meal.  But that gorgious golden sun!  I could barely handle being in it, but soaked in what I could.  So very tired.  Ducks fed first thing.  The girls were fed early.  Will be fed before I sleep, then litter cleaning.  Other than traffic and the cops bearing down for whatever reason, it was a great day.

Before I crash, I need to figure something out.  Someone seems to have blown me off.  I just want to check.  Later.  Actually good night.  Bedtime might be a bit off, but I can't post again.

Must have dozed off.

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I don't know when.  No clue.  Not sure when I woke.  Ducks and cats have been fed and watered, teeth brushed, and fresh tea set.  But, depending on how fast or slow I am going, that all can take five minutes or an hour.  Yeah, I can go that slow.  I have no scale of time currently.  I need sunshine to... break from darkness induced spring doldrums.

I woke in glorious pain.  I had to push through it to function.  I might have screamed in agony a few times, but that would merely have exacerbated the headache.  Besides, even when extreme pain catches me off guard, I have learned suffering in absolute silence is usually best.  Rarely will those who come running be there to help.  It has all mostly passed, if a handful of aspirin along with evening medicine was gulped.

Surprisingly, I have been keeping on medication in an exemplary fashion, even through massive harsh irregular uncontrollable shifts in my sleep patterns.  Same with brushing and the critters.  Keeping up with the cats, their needs and some wants, was my first real steps out of my grave.  That is what cemented my theory that life is only truly understood through service... service to others.

With only barely a breath of a breeze of life which should be a gale it was a test, serving the girls, leaving enough to handle my basic needs.  I have almost come back to life.  With the ducks, I now have... get?... to face the elements.  I have more to do as well.  Life, success, health, what of it can be known, only derives from service.  The more pure, the higher the quality of those things created.

Christ said these things.  And I learned them, philosophically.  It wasn't until I was crippled below the civil poverty line, and have had to learn to even walk, talk, listen, hear, even see again, then try to go from there, that I have learned the physical application of that truth.

It is what is missing, often, in this world.  So many attempt to steal these things, simply becoming bankrupt by choking on me'ism.  The sad thing is, if you choose to serve simply, truly, purely, even for a cripple living enormously humbly, life is quite good.  Only a right wife could improve it, if she walks the same truth... if in the feminine way.  Love.  That.  Walk.  ; p

Oh, an auto may be in.  Right price, stick, age, with remaining factory warranty?  Mileage?  I'll be in to see it soon.  It's a Chevy, which does cause concern.  I'll... look at the specs and all.  It may do.  Or not.  It is cause for excitement.  Cautious excitement.  We will see.

Oh, I do chatter.  Good day and later.

Down right, back up as a yo~yo.

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To sleep by 12:30.  A good sleep.  I heard the lawn mower at... hmm... around 16:00?  Perhaps several hours later.  Anyway.  I often hear that or other vehicles or sounds, but rarely wake with such little sleep.  A shower, first thing.  I will have some of that pork roast soon, again.  It turned out quite good.  There is enough that I am freezing some.  That's a first.

Such creatures.

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At war?  Isn't love a form of war?  Well...

Rocking.

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Around the clock.  My schedule is spinning.  As has been the case for a while.  Weeks?  Months?  I just can't tell.  To bed slightly after noon, half past plus or minus small change.  Awake right at 21:00, surrendering a technicality.  Well rested but slightly hungry.  A massive pork roast is thawed and just waiting.  I'll start the grill after this.

I might be crushed by the dark and gloom, but I am keeping up on dailies.  I don't know if good weather will help.  Not if it goes straight to heat.  I must focus, push, shove, to get out, up, going.  I have to try to eat better, get to hiking and swimming.  I can, or will.

I am loving life, even through pain and gripes.  It isn't bad if it could be better.  I'll keep working on things.  Grill is started.  Later.

A few changes.

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Leg cramps.  Too much outflow.  Dinking too much, thus causing a cascade?  I suspect.  It might be drinking to little.  I will attempt a fix by, again lowering the water pill dose, from three to two.  It's still a high dose but I am a very big dog, twice the standard human size.  I ignored occasional cramping for a week, but it has become regular, at night (my night, near bedtime) and during sleep.

Cold, dark, wet, actually raining.  It is rather brutal.  I forgot to turn the the heat up.  Done.  So very cold.  And dark.  Damp, in the air.  Still, spring is going to arrive soon.

Nothing was thawed.  I'll put out a pork roast.  It is quite large.  Just it for now.  When half through that, I will get a small chuck and package of hindquarters out... drummies actually.  They don't offer whole hindquarters here, that I can find.  If, after a while of it, I think it's better this way.  They cook at drastically different times, thighs and drummies.  Perhaps even more so at altitude... and the continued cooking after being removed from the heat is much diminished at altitude.  No gripe, just an understanding.  I love the highlands, this isn't even a price, it's merely knowledge.  You can learn to use it as an advantage.  Cooking slower but a bit higher gets it done more quickly.

I have some sort of dry cough going on.  It feels like it is from a dry throat.  It can't be that.  However, tea can do that sometimes.  As can some spices.  I'm not sure, perhaps excess voiding is the culprit?  Another week and I will begin grousing for the problem(s) and solution(s).

Oh, the folk who are helping me out with SSA have received paperwork to fill out.  They were asked what handedness I am.  Really?  Anyway, I am surprised they were sent a packet.  Very strange.  Hmm.  I better warn them to make a copy.  The SSD loses paperwork incredibly regularly.  Or the post office guy was circular filing them?  We have a new post office guy though.  Still...

Hungry.  Nothing... well... chia cereal, or pecans or other such.  Yea.  Later.

Not sure.

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At some point after that last post... an half hour to two after... I went back to bed.  I woke... a while ago.  Well, began waking.  I am still waking.  Forgot to brush my teeth upon waking.  Yes, I want to keep them up, if possible.  I remembered to do them before bed.  There is time, after this post.  I haven't brushed fewer than three times a day since two months before going for the appointment.  I may have missed a few nights, but had brushed three other times.

A brief look outside, while watering the ducks again, and espying the weather.  The temp had risen to 48 and clouds were breaking up.  I got to see a bit of sun.  I would have stayed out a bit, I just couldn't quite handle the moist windy cool, and didn't have the energy to shower and dress more warmly.  Still, it brought a smile to my inside face...  too tired to externally express it.

Back to the game.  It forces me, if painfully, to focus.  A shower and dishes later.  More. Just that bit of sun might have... opened a door... a small one.  For while I am small?

More rain.

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Thus dark, cool, and all else that goes with it.  At least it is verdant in a way only such springs can produce.  I napped sometime around midnight to 3:00?  In that range.  The ducks and girls have had all needs tended.  I will most likely head on to bed shortly.

At 8:15 and it is still so dark.  It was just above freezing if the thermometer can be believed.  It didn't feel that cold.  Just checking in.  What am I doing?  Working on trophies for Metro Exodus.  For one of the more difficult ones, I have no saves, except for chapter ends.  I have two more longer chapters to finish.  Even on easier settings dying is easy.  And the longer chapters take hours.  Ugh.

About always seeing the glass as empty, by the way?  If it is only half full, then it IS essentially empty.  With some things it is only all or nothing.  Only a woman with no real interest, as the false mother claiming a child before Solomon, could propose halves as good enough.  Further, that wasn't really the point.  It was simply that too much was spoken that might...  If I wanted to ask, I would have.  Not the point.

Good night?  Maybe.

Her dream?

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Mine, about or through her?  I can't tell.  I told you, I can slip into people's dreams.  If it is incidental I may not know.  A song came  to mind.  Immediately and throughout.

What time was it?

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I woke at 15:30, or 13:30.  I've been awake for a... long time?  It has that sense, and yet it is only 16:00.  I was almost sure, without thinking, that it was 15:30.  Crazy.

Nothing delivered.  No snow.  Still dark, cool, and wet.  I should thaw a roast or two.  Nothing to eat tonight?  I'll look around.  If the eggs are good, boiling them might work, some of them.  On a salad would be fine.  Or fresh and warm.  Ugh.

I was sure I heard someone outside, perhaps closer.  I was sure... something had been delivered.  Nope.  I am positive it wasn't a dream.  Still, nothing.  Odd.

I called my mother.  She is sounding much better.  I had thought too many phone calls annoyed her.  Maybe not?  Still, these have mostly been health checks.

Oh, I best turn the heat up and get ready for a shower.  Definitely would enjoy one.  No shave until Monday, or Sunday.  Still painfully tired.  The sun will return.  Later.

Maybe.

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Never certain.  Perhaps she does read here.  I almost suspect so.  But to have dug so far, and specifically, back?  It may be one of my longtime readers calling me out.  Either way, I believe them to be wrong.  If, for example, she had seen me on the street before I saw her, what would she have done?  Hidden.  Be honest.  We aren't friends.  We aren't associates.  I hate it when folk deny reality, and create ire for untrue things.  No need to take it personal, nor get angry.

Someone is playing games?

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Or trying to say something.  Has been going on for days.  At least two.

I have been ignoring, for what good it does.  A few, the most recent.

Days are spinning.

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Down after 4:00.  An half hour or four hours after, though, I can't say.  Up at 15:30, give or take fifteen either way.  It's as good as memory gets.  Had to refill meds today.  I haven't set up the monthly yet.  Two of those set up will really have me good.  I'll be a lot surer to always have two to four weeks in reserve.

Raining, dark, wet, and cold.  It seems to be staying around 42°F.  At least during the day.  I dreamed it snowed a foot, more because that was how much stuck.  I went out for some reason, in the dream, and had returned and gone back to sleep.  Then, in the dream still, I woke and went to the back door to look out again.  I had left it wide open, both doors.  It wasn't cold, but how much fuel had been needlessly burned.  Though I can't call it a nightmare.  It was so beautiful out there.

Ah.  My appointment was cancelled, at primary.  Yesterday.  I remembered to call to reschedule first thing.  If it holds, I will actually get in earlier.  All good.  Either they set me up with insulin or I have to start saving.  Budget isn't kind for that, even when SSD is arriving.  Now it is murder.  Still, it's what I've got.

Today?  I don't know.  So tired.  I'll... think about it.  Good... afternoon.  Be well.

The dark noon thirty down.

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Up an half hour before the daylight noon?  If you don't run a twenty four hour time, why not have two noons?  Anyway.  Still dark and cold.  I don't remember hearing rain, but I slept so very hard I wouldn't have heard hail.  Even when I woke to use the facilities I remember nothing else.

After pedicures, and massages when I used to get them, I crash even harder than usual.  All good, it must do something for the body, I believe it to be something very good.  As mentioned, I don't, can't, relax.  These things cause a mechanical relaxation which overcomes my psychic clinging to coherent conscious attempts at absolute readiness and sobriety.  Which is why I prefer even the harsh pain of cracked ribs to the dulling yet loosing of the mind and will that pain pills create.

If too, I believe it is pain that keeps me alive often.  For now.  I may be healing past that.  If I can get in shape, which means losing another twenty to forty pounds to start... if that will require it's own pains, and ongoing pains.  There really isn't an escape from pain that doesn't require very bad choices.  Not in this life.  So grab it and use it.

I best get to dailies.  After a bit.  A couple hours to wake, then to it.  The toilet got well scrubbed yesterday.  Sweeping and mopping today, and laundry today.  I have some help arriving today to.  Best be ready.  Later.

No, not.

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Speaking with a muse can be... confusing.  The imaginings can be mixed in with the reals.  But... no.  Thankfully she has no interest, so perhaps only a mild irritation would develop.  As for my part, why not?  Speak to someone half your age.  Stop right there.  I can barely speak with men her age, and only if their sacks have dropped.  If they are terrified to fight I want nothing to do with them.  Most women her age are horrifying to speak with.  Though, in limited engagements such as this, it's usually okay.

I am sure there are women out there, her age, who might do.  She isn't one of them.  It's not a hateful thing, just an understanding.  She is on par what I would expect from a woman of her age.  I... avoid many topics with her.  Even so I realize I disturb her from time to time.  Politics, religion, anything, nothing.  Well and the age of my body.  I have no chance with her, just for that.

No problem, that is expected.  Nothing about any of that is a problem.  Typical.  It's just that things might have been said, in my exhausted stupor, that might have intimated an interest that just isn't so.  Hopefully she will be far past it next time.  Perhaps I will take my phone and play sudoku.  Just... avoid conversation from now on.  We really aren't... friends, even associates.

Training is possible, but it actually must be for the willing only.  Mostly.  And the able.