Who?

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Who, exactly, is it they see?  I see what some see.

So very sore and tired.

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The weather is playing a strong part.  But getting out and doing, after an exceptionally long nearly complete downtime is playing it's part.  I would say those are eighty percent, with the rest of it getting used to medicine.  My muscles are still repairing, tight, burning sometimes.

My arms went from fourteen and an half to fifteen and an half inches around.  With little to do, I entertain curiosity.  I just happened to have recently measured my arms, so had a basis with which to compare.  I am not sure how much growth is normal, or through what effort.  I suspect that is a lot of growth though.

Sleeping on the floor is still a bit tough as well.  I am continuing.  I am ordering an inexpensive floor mat, when possible, to see if it makes such sleeping... easier.  It... I don't know.  As I remember, it took several months to get used to it, at tech school.  Then it was really good.  I'll have to decide if it is worth the struggle.

Blood sugar is still high, but sub two hundred and twelve points less than yesterday morning.  I'll keep at it.  The bloody nose lasted until bedtime.  That is the longest bloody nose I remember.  I had to stop taking aspirin weeks ago, because it was causing nearly daily bleeds.  I hope this was just a fluke.

I'll let the ducks out, feed the girls, and set a fresh pot of tea so as to have chia and a fatted coffee.  All as warm as possible.  Another cool, perhaps rainy day.  Warm food cheers like little else.  Good afternoon and day.

A day of resting.

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A bit sore and tired.  It has been raining every time I have listened or looked out.  It may have stopped?  If it had, by sound, it is back at it.  Last time I checked it was ~45°.  It was that temperature outside every time I checked.  Indoors, the main and upstairs have been staying right at 67°~ 68°.  Up front is and has been 63°.

Blood sugar, after a single dose and meal, dropped ninety nine points to 96 a few hours later.  A few hours since then it is 95 without having had anything but plain tea.  I have had a bloody nose for ten hours.  It just won't stop.  For a few hours, both were bleeding.  And, no, I don't pick the thing, I use facial tissues.  Odd, with humidity... it has to be high with this much rain.

A fatted tea, several ounces of cheese, and salami will be supper.  I will test several hours later.  I doubt if it will be high enough for another dose, which doesn't make sense.  Even when on pure keto recently, I was needing 20 cc's three times a day.  When I wrote differently, it was to not exceptions.

I wonder if being on full heart medicine is the difference.  As mentioned, I don't believe I have diabetes.  I think I have partial organ failure, like a rolling brownout, hitting whichever organ(s) my body thinks is up to taking the hit.  It looks like diabetes, but medicine acts strangely.  Heart medicine seems to be far more important.

Dinner time.  Later, or good night.

Late but awake.

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I woke at 7:30.  Pulled the curtain, took a look outside.  It didn't make sense, as if an artist based on the general palate of Picasso, using color rather than form had rendered the day.  It was horrible, my mind closed back in around itself.  I slept until Sassy braved the steps to know food is needed, and begging isn't above her proud lineage.  That cat can sing for hours!  Fine, and fie.

Ducks are let out.  It is raining, and 45°, but they are ducks.  I, for the last three days, have been getting one egg a day.  Today I got three.  Perfect, huge, a true eggshell to warm light golden, whole color.  I think they had been molting, for an extended time.  They probably can't lay for too long into winter?  Who knows.

Blood sugar is high again, as usual.  But it sub 200.  It's only done that once since I messed up food, then did it again recently.  I can easily have burgers, just no bun... and fish or chicken, just not with breading.  I used to be able to do those in small amounts, but not on insulin.  If I could keep up on fasting, that would be the better way.  It isn't the difficulty involved, it is remembering.

Late awake.  I will try to be to bed early tonight.  I have been slipping.  Brushing teeth is back on schedule, medicine is into a week, at least, since a miss... probably two weeks. It is nicely, regularly, cool.  Sleeping on the floor is going well, and I am eating more regularly.  If I could stay away from carbs...  Later.

Tired and sore.

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I was asked if I could help yesterday.  Maybe by ten.  So... I woke at eight thirty, showered, and had a fatted tea by a quarter after nine.  It didn't happen until past seventeen hundred.  It ended up just being a ten minute job, but one that would have been thirty hard minutes solo.  I considered it more a favor than work.

Actually slinging clays after was more exhausting than the work.  Even so, it was good to get out.  Will do so as possible.  It was a good day to be out.  And while the work was short, I know it helped.  It is good to be considered useful.  Even pitching clays and popping of a few rounds was good.

As noted, I am sore today.  It is a good thing.  The ducks and girls have been fed.  I woke late, gravity was harsh this morning.  I did get an alarm clock and it's radio signal device linked, set, and synced.  I had been looking for the receiver for a while, then the small screwdriver set, then batteries, then... took forever to get it all together.  Finally, everything together, the time, the energy.  Had to just figure some things out, but done.

I was so tired last night I didn't brush my teeth.  After brushing most nights for a year now, save short hard down times, missing is horrible.  It will happen if I push too hard.  Usually three times a day now, sometimes four.  Brushed already.  Would love to shower, to tired.

A fatted tea shortly, heating up chicken after that, then mostly resting today.  Life is good.  Later.

A bit weary.

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Given that medicine was just topped as to dosage a few days ago, and I did a bit of work out in the heat yesterday, plus I started sleeping on the floor a few days ago?  Really, not bad.  I am not as tired as I can be just on a worse general day.  Now, I was crushed yesterday, by the time we finished.  I recovered well, oddly.  I've never done that well in my memory, since becoming ill.  Ritalin, in tiny doses, made it resemble that, but at a serious price.

I couldn't work today.  Probably not tomorrow.  But I don't have a lot of pain.  So weird.  Oh, and I tanned, a lot.  If the sun was out I would have burned.  I need to wear long sleeves and a serious sun hat.  Avoid the sun-blocker clothing.  I will, and will advise it, bad stuff.  No sun-blocker chems either.  Mechanical, pant legs, long sleeves, layers if needed, gloves, and a good head covering.

I am able to game.  And focus on shows when switching between the two.  I can read with some reasonable clarity.  A good day.

Blood sugar started out really high.  A dose took it from 209 fasting to 131 several hours after food and a dose, then on to 102 with nothing else to eat or dose.  Strange how that works sometimes.  I have been struggling, with higher doses, lately.  Work helps.  But pizza should have... never mind.  I am hoping chicken thaws.  Will grill if so.

Today is very cool.  The storm which toyed yesterday, preceded by a warm front, made more than a promise.  Rain and cool temperatures.  It was 40... something... this morning... eight or three or two?  It is 65° currently, or so.  I work much better in the cool to cold.

It's a good life, for as rough as it can be.  I hope... opportunities expand.  A bit more if, as, possible.  I am seeing possibilities.  Good day.

Down late, up late.

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A few hours of work and I was afraid it would hurt to sleep and waking up.  The fear kept me up.  Strange but true.  Well, that was part of it.  The other two parts were the chemicals produced in my body to work and from working act as a pleasant stimulants, and it was still 75° well past 21:00.

I turned both ac's on before showering.  While it was only 70° upstairs, with me in it, an added 2° to 4° isn't impossible.  I was absolutely caked in salt.  And in spite of having washed completely, and I do mean completely, yesterday morning, it was as if I hadn't showered in a week in the nethers.  Not used to working.  Anyway, after the shower and drying off, I actually only crashed because the internet stopped functioning.  I know how to fix it, it... it was time to go to bed.

I left one ac on, the good one, said a short but solid prayer, and went to sleep.  I didn't sleep quickly.  I had to, gingerly, find the right several positions into which I could roll and lay painlessly, or more so, which took a bit to sort, then drift down through the various pains.

As I woke this morning, I came to consciousness as purposely slowly as possible.  If I was in great pain, I didn't want that to flood all at once.  If you have never been dead, you have no idea what waking into devastating pain, agony really, can truly be like.  From my sojourn into quickening, I have learned to awaken about an organ at a time.

Actually, I am feeling a bit tight but... good.  I was able to get off the floor easily.  I took my time, and let my body take the easy way, which probably wasn't necessary.  Still, no reason to push.  I am awake and well.  Sore to be sure, but little more than middling bad days after having done nothing.  Clean, feeling pretty good, and satisfied in having helped complete a useful project.  All good.  Later.

Work!

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A neighbor needed an extra set of hands.  Luckily I was awake and aware.  Up a bit late, but good enough.  He wanted to create a pen for his turkeys.  He had a smaller, mobile, pen.  It just wasn't enough.  So he envisioned a 20' by 20' pen, as a run for his 5' by 7' mobile enclosure.  A bit of work.

Pounding t posts, unrolling and wiring screening, in the 82° outdoors.  Mostly cloudy, with a storm brewing, at least the direct sun wasn't hammering us.  And fresh breezes helped.  A long, for me, day.  I was happy to help.  I wasn't just hands.  I helped idea-wise too.  Further, our mechanical ideas are similar.  If one of us thinks of a method, the other might well have stumbled on it in time.  I think I surprised him a few times.  Both with ideas and being johnny-on-the-spot with tools and parts.

It was good to work.  I need to get my cold/hot drink containers cleaned and set up.  He may ask for help in the future.  I may even be taught to drive a tractor.  I can't help much, but a few times a week, just to hold things, to get out.  It is good, even just a bit.  To think, to work, to help.  I'd do it for pay if I could do it enough.  It just... but I might be able to do a bit.  Will see.  The more difficult part is just being awake at the right times and aware of contact attempts.

I blistered and burned through those quickly.  I must remember gloves.  A great few hours anyway.  Fried.  Another shower, then gaming, then to bed early.  Awesome.

Oh, blood sugar was 225 this morning.  After breakfast and a standard dose, it dropped to 122.  Had a few pieces of pizza for supper, it is up to 169 but I didn't have insulin.  I'll dose as I head to the shower, check it in a few hours.  Ac will be set to go, then turn it to fan as I go to sleep if it is cool enough.  Later.

Perhaps.

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Blood sugar is still pulling left... high, wrong, bad, that is.  Again it started out at about 176, then after a lighter dose and fatted coffee plus several hours, it pushed to 196 again.  After a bit more to eat, and a larger dose, it is down to 140.  I plan on another, last, meal and another dose, possibly two more doses.

Last night I finally decided I had had enough.  The cot, you see, has finally become too uncomfortable.  It is made to handle nearly two hundred over my weight.  However, I am... dense.  Well overweight, but at 280 with a 38" waist and 52"~54" chest, it doesn't look (quite) as bad as it sounds.  On the odd side, it means I more cut into the cot than am distributed over the whole thing.

I suspected the floor would end up being more comfortable.  Still, I constructed the underlay with care, to include a powerful pillow under my lower calves.  Elevated legs, docs asked for it, that has become a sleep thing since my first attempt at sleeping on the floor.  Anyway, I wasn't too sure after settling in.

It ended being a much better sleep.  I have aches, but fewer of them, milder pains, and in new spots.  I suspect these will pass.  It was far easier to roll.  I probably didn't roll as often as I wanted, but I am not used to the allowance.  Rolling on the cot was expensive, consumed too much energy, was difficult, and could be painful.  As I get used to the freedom, I will use it.  Getting up off the floor wasn't too bad, either.  Oh, and I think Sam enjoyed it a lot more too.  If, as is typical with women, she kept stealing MY BLANKETS!  Human, feline, on some matters there is no difference!

 Meds are going down well.  A bit tired.  More tired?  No, if not exactly perky.  If the sun is out, I'll open up.  After a nap.  I have trimmed the whiskers, now to shower and shave.  I have been brushing my teeth again since starting medicine again.  Cycles.  Still a month off with nine or more months on at two to four times a day is far better than several times a week or even month.  Heart medicine, when all was set, and while I can keep on it, really has allowed improvements.

Lunch then a nap?  Sounds like a plan.  Later.

Dream a little dream...

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Talking to giants.  Who, you might ask?  Michael, Desert Cat, Vox, and others.  Readers, consumers really, and producers, of the very products about which the discussion was based.  From, who... Heinlein, give or take, on up to today.  The secret writers.  Some from before, for scale, with an ear to history, into literary homage.  It was a wonderful experience, if more as a child, literarily, somehow seated at the big people's table.

Oh, I had heard of their beloved masters of science fiction, prose, poetry, and horror.  I had, for one reason or another, rejected most.  There were a few jewels I wouldn't fully reject, flaws and all.  Hemingway, and a few others.  Still, the regaling of stories and tidbits about authors, bringing the dead quick if but for a brief moment while giving the living an elevated status.  The nature of storytelling the more vivid through obvious adoption amongst the devotees.

On it went until the spun bottle landed in my direction, for the third time... fourth, fifth?  No longer was a claim of ignorance, self-denial, or other attempts at evasion or subterfuge allowed.  Showed theirs, the price was to show mine.  Yes, I had seen this coming, like a cat stuck in a ripe river, heading to a fall.  For some things... the dignity of some events can never be granted, only seen or not by the beholders.

I explained my problem.  I was, literarily, for the most part, if happily, stuck in another time.  Poe, Twain... Clemens... Leghorne boy,I say boy, William Blake, Swinburne, but less, as with they, the common tripe fed the masses.  At least we held that in familiar.  Our tastes had required stepping out of the daily bread?  Perhaps in more ways than one.  If the Hellfire crüe had a literary component?  As we say... deny... so it was, or wasn't.

No, I said.  I refuted modern literary.  Couldn't, wouldn't, tolerate.  Still, far from innocent.  Merely, my whiter shade of pale came from, or went into, a different form of the arts, namely music.  In that I drowned, addressed, expressed, exalted, my sins.  I explored my rejection of masculine duty, Godly obedience, rage and other hungers.  I lost myself, threw myself away to or in the music, as if swimming into the sea with no intention of returning.

Somewhere, out there, I... came to my senses.  I once again fell in love with the simple notion of the naked man and woman.  I found, if not what I had thought had been my home, a new and better home... if one I cannot go to... not yet.  I saw God not in but beyond the distortion, though in time I realized He is there too.  He isn't a party to dissonance, He simply cannot be erased by it.

From Avenged Sevenfold, Wolfe to Epica, Monster Magnet to Mötörhead, to groups and people who have no names or have names which make no sense, I have crawled across the psychic and spiritual killing floor to a place divine.  It isn't for me yet, but it is waiting.  That... is the story of my stories.  What a dream...

Odder still.

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With starting back on the highest dose of the most potent of my heart medication I expected... hmm... less.  While I have been hollow to the bone lately, unable to clean, play games, or even watch programs for more than fifteen minutes to an half hour at a time, there is worse.  Forgetting I even exist.  You have... no idea.  For hours, days, weeks, months, even a year at a time.

I... expected that today.  I was pleasantly surprised.  I wasn't able to work, but I was able to watch shows and game.  Rather than drifting through the web, blindly following strange paths, I was able to look around, find things that interested me, watch several episodes (of Babylon 5) at a time, and game well, even past a major setback.

I am hoping to clear litter, get a shower and shave in, if not much more.  Trash, perhaps recycling as well, tomorrow.  Dishes as well, unless the meds blindside me.  Not much, just a bit.  I may also see about some laundry.  It is possible, if tomorrow is anything like today.

Blood sugar is back in trim.  It started out higher at 176, then to 186 after food and a higher dose.  Then 94 after my last meal and a smaller dose.  I was in part experimenting, in part going with my gut, on that last dose.  It is at 125 several hours after my last meal and dose.  Finally, it is improving.  So strange how high it will stay after a minor mistake.  Though I haven't been punished this severely for such a minor infraction... ever.  Yeah, well...

A bit of a headache, so a fistful of aspirin.  I don't want to struggle sleeping tonight.  Still... pleased with the day.  I have some hope for tomorrow.  I finally called my mother.  Will try to call my brother Monday.  I'm not the best, I have been messing up calling my mother as well.  I'll... keep at it.  Good night, probably.

Improvements.

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Aches and pains have gone.  For the first morning in... weeks? a month? I am waking without sore ribs, an achy back, and other complaints.  A few days ago, I pulled a foot stool out, and have been using it.  From the use of it, I have been adjusting how I sit from time to time.  Perhaps that is it?

It was 66° upstairs all night.  I check when I wake.  It was 67° this morning, downstairs in the main, 64° up front.  Outside it is 41°.  An all around pleasant morning, as I chart things.  I don't need a long sleeve t, or pj bottoms, to sleep.  And just one blanket still.  However, I will set the other blankets up, in case a real chill slips in.  I do need more on in the day.  I am working on layering.

Blood sugar, while a bit high after a few experimental and poor food choices, is within my normal.  At 176 fasting, down from as high as 326 two days ago.  It... doesn't matter what packaging says.  A hint though?  If something tastes suspiciously sweet?  Stop eating right there.  I have to suspect the FDA and Ag are in on allowing lies.

What I don't get is why Orientals don't have diabetes.  The Chinese, Japanese, Koreans, and the rest, consume the majority of their foods as rice.  White rice at that.  Some suggest it is due to the smaller volumes consumed.  But that doesn't make sense.  They are smaller people.

From what I have seen, they eat a similar caloric intake by body weight, save NorKs, though all of their calories are rice.  Then again, perhaps they simply don't treat, so count, certain afflictions?  When the government is in charge of medical care, it decides who, and what, to treat... and asses.  Perhaps diabetes is considered a personal problem?

Anyway.  It seems a better day.  That... may not last.  I didn't have enough 6.25 mg carvedilol tabs.  So I went full dose early.  I will be hitting full dose this morning.  Will see.  Perhaps the nosebleed, sometimes literally, dose I am already on will make this addition less of a stress.  Later.

A tough week.

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I keep hoping for improvement.  Always tired, usually sore.  Blood sugar has gone crazy.  I ate a few things of a questionable nature, if technically within carb count, labelled as having no sugar.  Can't believe labels.  I am lowering it, slowly.  In a few days I will begin checking blood pressure.  If it is pretty stable but higher, I will stop checking until a week or two into the last dose increase.

It was down to 64° upstairs, five feet from me, 66° close to me, with only an interior fan going.  With long and short sleeve t's as a pj top, in unders, one blanket was perfect.  It is a warmer blanket, and still, that one was enough was good.  I did add a quilt later, just for a bit.  Sleep was actually quite good.  It was as good as it gets.

As I came downstairs, I found the furnace running.  It is set for 66°.  I was surprised it wasn't running yesterday, so I can't say I was surprised.  I will leave it at 66° until the outside is dangerous, to me.  Then I like more of a store of warmth inside in case the furnace goes out.  Then, 70° to 72°, in the main.  It will be a lot cooler elsewhere.

I went to let the ducks out.  They were already out.  I am almost certain I put them away last night?  At first I couldn't find them.  Then it looked as if only three were there.  The fourth appeared and all was good.  I didn't do much else, but their feed has been shielded, placed in a barrel with a lid.  Plastic for now.  Mice had figured how to get into open bins.  Quite a jump, both in and out, but they did it.

A nap, I do believe.  Later.

A deal has been struck.

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I was dithering as to whether to increase medicine or not.  I have decided to hold that off for two more weeks.  While I am not working even every other day, necessarily, I am working two days a week, slightly more as little tasks are done randomly, as possible.  Given the weather, medicine, and crazy diabetes numbers, I am doing what I can.

It was down to 64° this morning, upstairs.  I had an interior fan and, again an ac fan, on through the night.  Fresh air and the cool temps made for superior sleep.  I must be acclimating to the cool swiftly, as a t, unders, and one blanket was quite warm enough.  I had to kick out of the blanket occasionally, only to need to bundle back in later.  So is the lot of a furless bear.

I slept many hours, again.  I think yesterday wore me out, more than anything.  I am hoping to do some work today.  A few small loads of dishes, folding some clothes, an setting up a new feed barrel, with a lid.  It is cool, around 50° around 9:00, an hour and change ago, outside.  It is 68° in the main, 63° up front.  What I consider the beginning of clothes weather... socks, real shoes, and pants anyway.

Ugh.  Not moving fast.  A nap before work, probably.  Later.

It is taking weeks to tend moments.

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Most of what is required is finished.  If I owe you contact, money, or else, you are on the list.  I took three items off my list today, a few Monday, and I might two or three more Friday or next Monday.  That is as fast as I can honestly go.  Even with the shower open, it takes days to remember, focus, then get in.  I dearly want daily showers.

I set up an automatic payment on the car, returned a few packages, and did light shopping.  Hopefully I can begin working in the house soon.  Cleaning.  I still have business in town, registration.  Perhaps window shopping.  Reloading supplies, low carb foods I am hoping to find locally... buying locally if possible now that my needs are better known.  Hmm, the hardware store in Smithfield too.  Just... looking.

It is staying right at 70° downstairs, day and night, 68° upstairs.  One fan in both areas. Blood sugar is running really high.  I did receive fresh, and hit it after... cutting everything for a while.  Too much, too little, is the sweetener dehydrating just enough just now to overdo?  Bleh.  So exhausted it is difficult to sort.

I have been eating lightly, and very keto.  I'll keep at it.  The other medicine is going down precisely.  If I can work in the house, I will keep it at this level.  If not, I will add the last increase Friday.  Boy, I'm sure hoping to work.  I really don't want to increase quite yet.  If part of my failing is clouds and rain, pleasant as those are.  Later.

A long wonderful sleep.

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I don't remember what time I went to sleep.  I am guessing slightly after 19:00.  As exhausted as I was, sleep wasn't immediate.  Though it wasn't a struggle either.  A gentle drift down, as pleasant as a slow sleep gets.  I woke, solidly, a number of times.  Returning to sleep wasn't extremely easy, merely manageable.  Four, perhaps five, such wakings.

Heat was billowing off me.  All night and this morning.  Putting my arm out full length, bending my hand so my palm faced my body, I could feel waves of heat.  Not a great heat, a strong warmth.  I had an interior fan and the fan function on my better ac blowing in.  It was 68° up there this morning.  I was a bit warm all night, which is why I woke, I believe.  I slept until just after 7:00.  Probably sleeping so long because of the many interruptions.

It was 67° main and 64° front, 48° outside.  But not a cold 48°.  I was in a sleeveless t, with shorts and open band (rather than toe-post) flip-flops and was as comfortable as the ducks out there.  Still kicking off heat?  Probably.  Very strangely, blood sugar was 211 this morning.

It is almost 9:00 and temps remain the same.  The girls and ducks have been fed, a roast is being grilled, and a shower is planned.  Then work?  I sure hope so.  Later.

Drifting, falling, failing.

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Not cold, certainly cool.  It isn't the temperature, mostly.  Rain, I think.  That and an inability to be active due to meds.  Too hot or too cold, relative to some perceived comfort zone... which does change... added to medicine and raising levels, can increase possibilities, or as now decrease the ability to function.

On the good side, if cooling has set in, between warmer garb and the furnace, more can be done about that than when it gets too hot.  What I haven't figured out is how to manage the darkness.  I have extreme limits in that area.  Which actually makes dressing more warmly complicated.  Imagine being so tired you can't remember to dress warmly, even eat.  Darkness does that.  A woman to annoy... remind... helps.  One simply isn't here.

Sleep was getting back to a good schedule.  Then the cool, dark, and damp slipped in.  I... think I can put up some resistance, reschedule, revise, if this is a limited front.  If winter has returned harshly and early, it will... take some time.  I will do as I may.  Actually, either way, I will do as I may.  Hope, when God becomes a truth, springs eternal.  So it is.  Hope isn't a prayer answered, it is a request for such which bolsters my allowance to live with even a rejection to my request.  Amen.

The ladies, cats, have already put on a thicker coat.  More Sam than Sassy.  Sassy has a thicker coat always, but it can thicken more.  Sam can thin her coat to a very light coat to much thicker than it is even now.  Actually, she didn't thin it much this year.  I am not sure if she has weather precognition or if she simply reacts.  Though, after this summer, I suspect precognition.  If true, cooling is pretty much back.  She has thickened her coat even more this week.

A dream.  High school, back in it.  Local nephews back in school all together, as if we were similar ages.  Gosh but I forgot how pleasant it was to see so many women every day.  Yea.  That wasn't what the dream was about, just a... well... just saying.  It was mostly about a second chance, time around, actually for all of us.

I am considered hardcore.  Strange, perhaps, but... fierce.  Many think that might be a Naval thing.  It was not.  The Navy may have offered opportunities to... delve that, explore it, function more freely within that, but... it was a capacity I brought with me.  In the dream I was reminded of that as well.  The first man I hospitalized was as a junior in high school.  He had absolutely no chance, or clue.

It was quite an interesting dream.  As horrible as school, especially high school seemed, it passed so quickly and was missed once gone.  I taught them ferocity and... to enjoy the company of the young ladies... in a chaste manner.  I was way ahead on those things back then, if chastity slipped with the right... or wrong... chic... from time to time.  In the dream I kept it right.  I was extremely skinny back then.  Ugh.  About 140 as a freshman to 180 as a senior, at nearly 6'4" the whole time.

Interesting dream.  Later.

A very late night.

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I kept waking.  I kept clawing my way back to sleep.  I can't remember what time bedtime was, after 18:00, I suspect... or 16:00?  Waking at 22:00 the first time, then about every two hours after that.  Too warm?  A bit.  It was 68° up there, so should have been good.  Sleep was a struggle, but waking around 6:00, I did well.

No work yesterday... or not much.  However, the projects are... I still have hope.  I have this week to get in full swing.  I think it will happen.  Parts today.  Getting solid relatively good sleep, and cooler weather again, plus a plan and reasons... there is good hope.

A bit of meat is thawed.  So a bit of food to start off the day.  I will open the house for a bit as the grill is lit.  It is 72° main, 71° front, so it's just for fresh air.  After breakfast, a shower.  After the shower, cleaning the bathroom and starting dishes.  Then a break.  Whatever happens after that is gravy... spare, extra credit.  I have to plan small and see where that gets me.  Later.

Pleasant understandings while waking.

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The world has returned to a cooler state.  While 75° through the night, until 8:30 or 10:30, yesterday, the cloud cover finally unleaded, which cooled the area.  It was down to 65° and pretty much stayed about there most of the rest of the day?  Perhaps getting up to the low 70s as a high?  Can't remember.  I took a risk, opening the house in the early afternoon.  It worked.

The house only got down to about 73°, front and main, as I recall.  Still, it was cooler and fresher than otherwise.  Upstairs got to 66° by the time I went to bed, albeit with both air conditioners and the fan running full blast.  Other than near me, it stayed about that temperature while I slept.  I must kick out a hell of a lot of heat, sometimes.

The cool is helping.  And, with most windows open and fans on downstairs last night, it was 67° main and front.  I am billowing off reems of heat, in waves.  I can feel it.  Dripping heat.  It raised this room two degrees since I woke an hour ago.  Odd, with blood sugar only 160 and medicine sort of pounding me into the dirt, to have massive heat outflows?  Burn...  Perhaps she visits...  She always had a way with me.

If

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Some things, then more, today.  Woke into early morning yesterday, and today.  Was awake into midafternoon.  Made calls, picked up mail, and was coaxed to depart for a bit.  Asked a question to which I already knew the answer.  Received an honest answer.  Didn't like the answer.

Unlike many, despite my feelings, neither reality nor the messenger receive rebuff.  No cause or effect is damnable.  What is, is.  However, what remains is how reality may be altered.  That is what is on my mind.  To begin though?  I have a few options before me.  The paths are, probably, exclusive.  The choice  will depend on what is possible.

I have about a week to choose.  If I can begin work, cleaning the place, that is preferred.  To dig in, starting today, with Sunday a very light day, then back to it Monday.  If I can rip through the kitchen and bathroom this week, I will hold off increasing medication until I have burned as much work out of myself as possible.

If I can't work, focus, push, then I will continue increasing medication.  Then, when seeing the light of day again, burn through work when possible.  I must admit, if just for a break from the true horrors of titrating carvedilol, I am hoping to figure out how to work.  That, as a lash, is a terrible thing.  So, yes, work... a week or two, at least three to five solid, every other day, with laundry, car keys, cats and ducks, and grooming mostly on the side.  Hmm?  Shut up.

 ;p

I have been taking medicine extremely well.  I lost track of diabetes the last few days.  Ugh, always something.  It is 160 fasting this morning, so...  When I get low on meds I get stingy with them.  It doesn't make sense, but logic isn't the whole of me.  Instinct and emotion have to be negotiated, trained as possible.  Though negotiation and training require higher function, which isn't always itself available.  I do my best.

Another shower this morning.  A trim and shave as well, it is hoped.  Then a few small loads of dishes set, a single load of laundry put through, and then the bathroom getting started.  The hope is to hit the head, from starboard to stern, forward to aft, and hit the dishes... probably resetting to another soak, and finish the single load of laundry, to folding and putting up, before any other plans.

If dishes can be finished and another small couple loads set, and another load of laundry set to wash?  Great.  But I have to start small and burn through to completion, or it just... or I end up lost, getting nowhere.  Yeah, I either work or medicate.  I'd much rather work, if possible.  Choices?  Not really.  Hope.  Later.