No, just no.

.

.

She owes $900 over her agreed monthly rent/utilities.  I reduced that by $200, to $700.  She tried to give a check for $700 to cover it all.  No!  I suspected she would try something like this.  NO!  I will no longer order anything through amazon for her, or help her in any way, until she catches up.  I simply can't afford her and my life, fully.  Won't.

I buy her stuff, too.  Like flashlights and bar holders for those, for her walker, little things she requests (not all, just things she wants or needs).  I make sure she has money, if going to a luncheon event.  But I do have limits.

Then, after she is caught up, she will be limited to $50 in any kind of debt a month.  Her memory isn't good, when it isn't convenient.  As mentioned, I have already forgiven around $500 in the last two months, half of that this month already.  NOT going forgive another $550 this month.  Grhhh....  NO!

Have to get new tires this month.  Pay electrical work, if he ever gets back to me, and whenever he starts that.  Plus tankless water heaters, one waiting on electrical work, the other waiting on finding an installer.  On the good side, I have enough credit on my HD card to probably buy both units.  I should check to see if they install. 

A shower and... then... something?  Friday.  Is it?  Later.

Speaking with the Infinite.

.

.

Some dreams are dreams.  Some dreams seem much much more.  Visions?  I have to believe the latter, not the former.

Hearing God is not understanding God.  Like... hearing in color, or feeling with taste.  Several parsecs beyond even my trained understandings.  Or... misunderstandings?  What I have seen and experienced has led me to a comprehensive accidental enlightment.  Not the so-called modernist version, but the true one.

Even so, all I can do in those... moments... is listen.  See.  Sense.  Realize there is God.  These times used to terrify me.  They still move me beyond expressions I could codify into words.  Like the blind, seeing the sun for the first time?  Only, that, and so much more.

Not great.

.

.

On the one hand, life has been very good.  The stitch in the side is much lessened.  The feet cramping only happens a few times a week.  And I have been able to be awake much of the day during daytime even.  But getting to things is a whole other matter.

More crippled than usual.  I'd like to blame mom, she can distract which makes doing my list more difficult.  But that is a minor side additional thing, not the main cause, or one of them.

A few things.

.

.

A bench/storage foot locker mother wanted was assembled.  Much less trouble than anticipated.  Initially it seemed a few parts were missing.  Just parts put where they weren't supposed to go.  Fifteen minutes?  Or so.

As well, the various pork cuts were smoked.  Took quite a while, at least to finish the bigger portions.  The boneless "ribs" and pork chops were done fairly quickly and mostly well.  The chops were a bit dry, but the riblets were very good, fine.

Almost chilly.

.

.

The high, today, is supposed to be 65 and the forecast looks to probably be correct or close enough.  Tomorrow cooler?  Enjoying the light reprieve.  But, too, it's causing me to crash out a bit.  I'll get up shortly.  Get a window ac installed, and put a storage bench together.  Well, and have a bite to eat.

Back to carnivore for a bit.  Blood sugar hit 144.  Though... from back to back to back abuses.  A bit of both a test heaped on a failure.  Wanted to see what it took to elevate blood sugar.  Surprising how much it took and how little it raised it.  Still, back to right eating.  The highest other reading, in probably a year, or two, was 122 otherwise. 

A smoother day.

.

.

Still moving?  Hasn't said.  A few tasks done, several meals eaten.  No further discussion.

It got warm, 93 I believe.  The ac up here is enough, for now.  With the fans.  Two were assembled for downstairs as well.  Not sure if mother can open her windows, but I think so.  She just wants someone else to do it.  No, not if she can.

Male disengagement.

.

.

One of the oldest societal issues.  One of the most devastating, right behind the rejection of reproductivity, mostly by women... in it's many forms.  The various states and cultures throughout history have struggled with the male problem.  As... can easily be read in history books, even through the majority of lies in them, those treatments have failed. 

From the most severe, the agoge (which I had a closer relationship with than most moderns), to less restrictive attempts at bribery to exclusivity to privilege, most systems failed quickly to slowly.  Though, I will suggest the problem with the spartan system had more to do with the feminization of politics by pushing men to death, while allowing women to actually possess wealth as widows and political power as a result.  In the end, banshee cougars ran that state (right into the ground).

Not to call her mother, or mom.

.

.

She wants me to total her debts.  She intends to pay it off and move into assisted living at the end of the month.  Okay.  That is her choice.  She is in the state to make such choices.  I just wish I had known this a bit earlier.  I spent lots of money on things that simply weren't the best investment for short term events... if she actually can get out.

As mentioned, I'll just settle, sell, and move.  If I can make enough money over closing for that to work.  From there?  I'll begin traveling the world.  See what I can see.

Well trimmed.

.

.

The house.  It was up to 88 yesterday.  Is supposed to hit 91 today.  And is already 78 outside.  It is 73 throughout the house.  I just closed the last window.  Leaving the windows on the western side open a bit longer is okay.  Still cooler, no matter how it might seem.  Altitude adjusts things.  Oh, but the last window upstairs. 

Back up, but just for a bit.  Gaming.  Wanted coffee.  Set it up.  But going back to bed shortly.  Though, had grinding to do in game, on several 'toons.  With that done, perhaps I can get back to enjoying the game.  Grinding is annoying, not entertaining.

A tiny few things.

.

.

Checked to see that her coffee was made.  That is one gift I try to give.  Brought in boxes, it was too warm earlier, and I too tired.  For no good cause mind you.  Well, mother was in a mood if that really wasn't it.  That just made trying to fight for a bit more daylight unpalatable.  Less palatable?  Or such.

I get it.  I've been laying in provisions and else fairly heavily.  Finally done.  Truly.  But, there is the aftermath.  Items she often can't move, I don't have a place for quite yet, so things are in the way.  Well, and my energy has been nearly zeroed.

Still, a few things tonight.  Hopefully a few things tomorrow.  Just... no promises.

Even gaming couldn't keep me awake.  Tired,  beyond my capacity to escape.  So, again, sleep it is.  Sleep well when you may.   Wow, could barely keep my eyes open to finish this! 

Mother isn't happy.

.

.

What she, and most women, don't understand is?  No one can make them happy.  Happiness, neither, is a choice or a gift.  Could I do dishes?  Sure.  But more often than not, she makes dishes just for herself.  And, she wants them done "now".  I... don't do anything "now".  Nothing, no thing.  I don't even pee "now", even when I should.  ;p

Besides, I provided a dishwasher.  That is what I could do.

Reconfiguring.

.

.

With the AC running days, and a fan and open windows at night, it is staying between 72 and 74 up here.  Which is nice.  It makes sleeping with a blanket or two another part of the plan.  A welcome one.  It had been running 77 up here for a week or two.

Now, that wasn't bad.  But it was beginning to stretch my tolerances.  And the downstairs was beginning to get warmer as well.  With the new arrangements, the downstairs is staying cool enough so that AC hasn't been started down there quite yet.

Smoked ribs.

.

.

At 250, they took four hours, and used seven pounds of wood pellets?  Or so.  One hour open, two hours in foil, then another hour and a half actually open again.  Tender, with a smoke ring.  Could have cooked longer?  Yes.  But done and not bad at all.

A whole chicken and a chuck roast are being thawed to try next.  If I must get to town, I may grab a pork butt and chops, or something else to fill.  Best bet, with as many pellets as this uses, the time involved, and the space available, is to fill the cook spaces and cook enough for a few weeks, pulling some for fresh or near fresh. Freezing the rest in meal or several meal packets.  Or, that's how I see things.

Awake at near my new normal.

.

.

It was just at 22:30 when I woke.  Why?  I would much rather be awake during the day.  The cool, of night, is only better when it is blazing hot out there.  While it is reaching into the 80's out there, at this altitude, and else this particular season, that is... splendid weather.  Not... to be out in, during the highs.  But in the morning and evening, outdoors, while indoors remains quite pleasant during even the highs.

Yes.  I will have to push my days and nights around.  Or give it a good shot.  You have no idea how difficult that is for a native night owl.  Still, sometimes, for a time, I can stand on my proverbial sleep hands for a little while.

Just look at that!

.

.

I finally got around to ordering a traeger smoker.  Will it work well?  Not in the box.  It... sat there, in the box, for three, four, days.  Longer?  Not much longer.  Unless it was a week or more.  My mind, and time, are not well synced lately.  Not at all. 

In any case, after two false starts, today was the day.  To try.  So... I tried.  Just getting the thing out of the box was a trick, solo.  When I can't pull, or push, I try other methods.  In this case. I turned the box over, careful so as to not dent or ding anything.  Gravity is your friend if you use various control methods.

Finally got the clothes rack up.

.

.

I knew it was going to be a beastly chore, especially solo.  Mother couldn't have reached what needed held, nor does she have the strength.  Not complaining, just explaining. 

Putting up the base boards, needing to pre drill, then use the cordless drill to screw the wood down, while keeping it balanced?  Quite a trick.  Oh, but should I need to do such a task again, I have learned a few things.  Such as starting in the middle.

Several days of rest helps.

.

.

Was so messed up.  Some of it, most of it initially, was pain.  First in the side.  Then much more sharply in the right foot.  Cramps, aching, deforming spasms, brutal.  But then, the pains were eating my sleep, or reducing its ability to allow me to regenerate, catch my breath, refresh.  It was becoming brutal.  I was at the point of trying to make a podiatry appointment.  Couldn't get through, so I procrastinated.  Now things have improved.

I have been sleeping warmly and well the last three longer cycles.  Mostly.  Last night, my left foot tried to join in on all the fun and games.  It, too, started cramping.  Gah!  BUT, this time, I knew exactly what to do.  I took the sock off, slathered it in salve, put the sock back on, and stuffed it in a shoe.  DONE!  Oh, and croc's work, the more fitted ones.  Though if malformation gets worse, at the worst case, tied shoes work the best.  Though, when up and at things, the tied shoes are the ticket.  Just for support while walking.

I got a nice spot of things done.

.

.

And just so far.  Wheezing.  With sleep corrupting my life, and pain, I have become a bit... weak.  Even so, I tore it up. up here.  I've worked on two other areas previously (if you couldn't tell, I definitely can).  Three steps forward, one back.  Sometimes no options other than that.  

This time, I cleared the northern end at the foot of my sleeping pallet.  Not... cleared.  Organized, nicely.  Everything there will need to be sorted before long as well, but the boxes are stacked, sorted.  There is a path in the middle, other than my medicine balls which can easily be moved.  And my new camera gear is altogether, and right there.

A bit better.

.

.

I went downstairs.  The trip was still a bit of a hobble, but wasn't abandonedly agonizing.  It wasn't simple, normal, or even painless though either.  I did go out to bring Jasmine in.  I wanted some fresh air, and to take a few more steps.  Not a lot, just a few. 

Supper, gaming, not much else.  While the pain was bearable, it went well beyond my typical ability to block the sensations.  From the few efforts I put forward, I was sweating profusely from the amount of pain that I could consciously feel.  I... do wonder how much pain my body shields my conscious mind from.  Though I probably... really don't want to know.

My foot.

.

.

The shoe get too tight.  I can't wear it all night.  It begins causing more trouble than adding coolmfort.  There is a risk when taking the shoes off.  Yesterday it worked.  Last night not so much.  By this morning, it was back to like walking on a broken bloody balloon of a foot.

I limped downstairs, hoping it would sort out.  I fed the cats, ate an egg breakfast mother had made, had coffee, then gamed for a bit.  But the pain, even without load on it, became eye-watetingly intense.  Nauseatingly intense.  I... surrendered the field.

Before going back to bed, in humiliatimg defeat, I took four of the strongest painpills I keep on hand.  As well, mother had asked for a painkiller salve, for her arthritic hands.  She works wonders with them, but not without pain, bless her.  Anyway, I tried some of that.

Then up to bed, with shoes on.  Well, one shoe on.  No need, I am realizing, to wear both shoes to bed, uncomfortable as they are.  The hope was that pain might soften, between sleep, medication, the ointment, and the shoe and wool socks.  It has worked!

Now, half way through, I woke in agony.  With the shoe tied, and the foot swelling, the compression became unbearable.  I tried, as before, to ignore, or "snooze" the pain.  As before, that eventually fails.  Pain makes me sweat, at some point of intensity.  Sweat was just pouring off me.  Stubborn, I am.  Even I have limits.

But, this time, I tried a middle ground.  I just loosened the ties, opened the ankle and tongue of the shoe.  Then.... tried, and succeeded returning to sleep.  Half a day?  Six to nine hours, roughly.  But, awake.  With a foot that doesn't bring me yo my knees, even eithout weight.  Oh my goodness gracious, the joy to be awake and not in waves of panic and nausea inducing agony!

Now to go downstairs, carefully.  Maybe to finish the coffee, yave some water, do some gaming.  Just... a test run.  If, and I do mean if, i can do a few light things, I may try to do a few things on our to-do list.  Putting up a secondary shower curtain.  Putting up a drying rack.  And, maybe, making supper for us.

Oh, I fried the fish the other day.  Mother said nothing, through the meal.  So I guessed she didn't like it.  I was not going to push for a comment, bit oh well, I thought it was delicious.  After I had given up on a word, either way, she... admitted this was better than lst time.

What was so hard about saying that?  It's not really a contest.  Is it?  I don't use batter.  I simply salt, lightly pepper, and gently fry in tallow.  Fresh lemon, if available.  Frying ag medium to medium high, flipping with tongs, after gentling loosening the fillets.  I work fish like no other food.  Being very careful not to overcook.  She just blasts it, like it was a steak.  Strange, but she can cook a thinner steak correctly... though too, only if she has the state of mind, in the moment, to focus.  I use timers, so things don't get out 9f hand.  She just thinks she has enough focus.  Ugh.

Not .. angry.  Just, for some food, I need a more delicate outcome.  I don't mind doing it.  If she can do it, so be it.  If she won't, I will.  And breading!  We are going to have to work up a better keto/carnivore method.  Just flouring things with almond or coconut flour is terrible.  Or even the keto blend I make.  Those work for some things, even tortillas.  But not as crusts.  Too dry, cloying?  No, not cloying, think dry, tasteless, like dried paper mâché.  Have to work on that one, though I have an idea.

moisten slightly, or dab nearly dry... the chicken part, chop, or fish, etc.  coat it in dry gelatin (good beef, flavorless).  Beat an egg, dredge the powdered meat in the egg.  Powder fried pork skins.  then coat the dredged meat in the pork "panko".  Then fry on medium, then bake to finish.  OR...  Bake first, then fry to finish?  The latter, as I prefer crispy.

Oh, right.  On to getting up, maybe to something.  Good evening.  Later.