Women and me.

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I am approaching 5 or is it 6 years of celibacy. I have to admit, I thought I was doing well in this. The women I see here are attractive, but they are so political and religiously wrongheaded that I decided to not even look around. And, so, I backed off. Sure, I see them in stores, I see them when I go to restaurants, I see them on the streets when I am driving, but it is all at a distance. As my time away from women lengthens, I started to worry a bit. Perhaps I had lost my interest in the pretty ones, maybe I had become a dried up old coot, perhaps I would not be able to get back into the search if I found a place where I would be comfortable searching.

I have been helping a woman recently. She does not have a vehicle yet she has regular appointments in a neighboring town. I see it as a gift to be able to be useful, and more so in a personal way, to someone else. Secure in myself, and my devotion to chastity, I have been helping while also keeping my grumbles to a minimum and being pleasant, really. She is definitely not my type, if she is attractive. She gives me a hug from time to time, and is sort of touchy (in a nice way). She may or may not be interested, I have not and will not check. Thanks to her, however, I realize woman still cause me great pleasure, and annoyance, in the right ways. They can still be a huge force in my life. And that pull goes from the heart, the mind, and right down to my toes! Holy Smoke! Being up close and personal with the larger 'game' animal helps me realize the peril and draw and all of it is still more powerful than I had even remembered. No, when I find the right place to seek the right woman, I hope the Lord walks closer to me than ever because I could very possibly lose my mind. Well, more of it.

Why God did this, I know, but I cannot always deal with it, being an emotional creature when in areas beyond my logic, and I certainly cannot fully understand it. I know from what is written that He did this both for procreation and so we might have some sense of how much He loves us, right here on earth, through family ties. But I cannot help, at times, be suspicious. I suspect He wishes to trap us, or trick us. And, while that may be true, it is a good trick or trap. I think that is why so many marginal people try their hardest to avoid that trap, because they cannot handle goodness, or have not defined it properly. And, sometimes, I wonder if God does not have the best sense of humor in the whole of creation. Nothing is written about God having humor, so I cannot be sure about this either. Think about it, though. He produced Adam, decided how (not what) he would think, act, and what he would generally be like. Then he did the same for Eve. Only, when He made her, He made her so that she is diametrically dissimilar so as to be both helpful and confusing, attractive and repellent, and so very potent to our senses (and vice versa) in both the good and the bad ways. It is a beautiful treachery, and so very funny, at times!

In any case, I do get the humor, and I laugh my lungs out at the concept from time to time. Well, that is, when I am not crying about it. Still, it is nice to know that when I find the right group of women to begin wooing that all of my natural instincts, proper lusts, and interests are full bore ready for more trouble than I can possibly handle... without His help anyway. Lord, be with me!

Amen.