Seriously, no pain.

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Well, a very light sensation. Or perhaps a knowing. But I have not felt pain from some, I think, serious wounds. On the one hand... Ha! But really, on my left hand, I cut the muscle in half. On the other hand. *grins* A pistol ripped a 3 1/2 to 4 inch long, 1/2 inch deep, gash into the meat between my thumb and index finger, right down to the bone. That last one did cause me shock, and I nearly passed out twice before driving 20 miles to the hospital, and once at the hospital. The only pain I have felt between the two was when they were cleaning the gash on my right hand, but only some of the outer layers of skin hurt, a minor rasping. The pain, then, felt more like a stinging of the top layer(s) of skin, but it was quite minor. The finger bothered me a bit, but it was more that I could not sleep. No pain killers were given with the gash, some were given for the finger, and only some of those were used to help me sleep. Both required five stitches, the finger needed cauterization, and stitches I believe, to staunch a bleeder.

Either I do not feel pain, or it is turned off as soon as my mind realizes it or shortly thereafter but before I become aware of it for the most part. The more severe pain that is. I have been working with my newest wound, the left index finger a bit, as per some instructions. The only time I feel some discomfort is when trying to close the finger into my hand. If feels cranky, rather than painful. And, now, a half hour after tinkering with it for about a half an hour, I get surges through it, which almost hurt.

I do not know if this is psychological or physical. I looked up neuropathy, a potential side issue for 60 to 70 percent of diabetics. That could not explain it, as that is a complete lack of sensitivity in extremities. I am quite sensitive to touch. I can touch people so lightly they shiver, and like to do so. I can even get Sam to shiver, mewl in annoyance, and head for nicer company. The only other thing I saw was caused by a mutated gene, so a birth defect. That also is not the case. I used to feel pain like anyone else.

What might be different is how much pain I have suffered and survived, a powerful will if it is not always in my hands to guide, a couple of what are called near-death experiences, and a one time adherence to Zen. Any or all of it could be involved, though it seems a little hokey to me. It could be related to my mental condition though. If I were to guess, it would be that. And yet I would say my mental health is very good, if I still have other issues of some physical nature, leaving me a little less active than most, and unable to truly climb out of some of that. Yes, I am crippled if I happen to be hobbling a bit more often and a bit better these days.

And yet, I fear pain. I seriously fear injury and pain. Pull a knife on me and I will show you, if I can. I want to be killed instantly, or I will do the same. Even knowing I will not feel a thing does not change my reaction to the threat of pain, or at least being wounded. And yet, too, I can feel minor pain. When Sam checks to see if my head is wooden (women!), I notice and change the situation. I tolerate that well. (Actually, she likes to suckle my earlobes! Huh? Which would not be bad, if a little too embarrassing for my weak ego, but then she kneads my face with her claws... youch!) And I can feel hot and cold, from light to very. Though, I do recall having put my finger in with the second batch of pan fried chicken, feeling "wetness", knowing that was a bad thing, pulling my hand out to... no burn or pain. Odd, I tell you. Simply baffling.

No, not a brag. Not goofing. Not anything. Just the facts. I worry though. What if next time I do feel pain. All of it. Yes, I do worry. After years of no pain I am not sure I would handle it well. Oh, one thing to note. Even if I do not feel the pain, I can very well be weakened by it. Some part of my body does indeed know there is a problem, and it taxes the rest of my system to fix that problem. On some level, it is known. I would love to find out why, other than in the horoscopes or some witch doctor, that is. The real reason why I cannot or do not feel pain.

Oh, thanks for the tip on the flea medicine. I ought to take Sam in for a checkup and maybe shots. She is going to love me for this almost as much as she loves her new indoor outhouse. But as they say, love hurts. Ha!

Now it is good night. I have... sleep to attend. And an opportunity coming up that I wish to be in shape to tackle. Sleep well, a prayer will be... *ding, you have prayer*