I still haven't firgured out sleep.

.
.
I was able to sleep at 22:00. I woke hard at 1:00 and that was that. Changing my schedule through conscious effort is difficult. Alarm clocks are neat, and they work when all is running smoothly. Then they stop being able to wake me. Adding another alarm clock helps for a bit longer. Then the whole system simply fails. Cutting caffeine out completely does not help, it just makes it harder to stay awake a full day. Avoiding or taking naps means nothing, though sometimes naps can lead to drastic shifts. Staying up longer doesn't help, but can lead to drastic shifts. The problem with drastic shifts, caused by anything (or nothing I can identify) is that they end up shifting things randomly. After decades of trying to simply figure out how to lead a simple daytime life, I realize that the option isn't mine. Which makes sense, with a little review.

When I was first becoming ill in the Navy, I didn't fully understand what was happening. There were problems I noted. Daydreaming to the point where the dreams were seemingly real enough for them to be confusing, or I should say confused with reality. And of course sleep problems, the root of that problem. I had been working out, when that was available, for much of my time in the service. Mostly weight lifting and swimming, I hated jogging and still do... something about my knees. I also partied on weekends. Not a heavy partier. Six to eight beers and then bedtime. Sometimes Friday, sometimes Saturday, and on rare occasions both days.

My sleep started to become a need I could not fulfill. I began cutting out party days. I simply needed the rest. Then went socializing. Then working out had to be curtailed. I NEEDED SLEEP! I then started being late to work, missing half days, then whole days. I simply could not get enough sleep. Then, as I suggested, I began being asleep even while I was technically awake. It all became a blur.

While I have learned to live within my means, and even being able to stay up 16 hours a day often, the price is that I do nothing to upset the applecart. A day or two of driving half a day will wipe me out for two or three days, requiring extra sleep. I can go as much as a few weeks or a month of pretty heavy work, but then I can crash for months, functioning at a very low capacity and then only for a few hours in a given day. Cutting back isn't so much a requirement or even a felt need as it is a symptom. The confusion I know is merely a symptom of the exhaustion. The lack of focus, the inability to make appointments, all of it stems from simple exhaustion.

Frustrating as it is, it is nice to finally have it right there and fully understand it better than I ever have. I have been too tired to ever really put it together. Anti-depressants didn't work, mood levelers didn't help, those were prescribed for my reaction to my problem, not for the problem. If you are out of gas, changing the spark plugs will do you not a bit of good. But I don't have any other real symptoms, other than being perpetually, cripplingly, frustratingly, tired. I have no aches and pains on a regular basis. I have no swollen glands. I am not excreting anything obvious from my glands at a higher rate. I simply never have been able to again live a normal life. Okay, Morpheus, hand me the red pill. Or... did I already take it? Doh!