This reminds me of something.

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Today was like fishing. Fishing in a pond with no fish. Assuming one knows there are no fish in the pond, this was just as successful. Another day of this and I should be ready to do what ever it is I have to do next. While getting a bit chill, I have also had the windows open for the last few days. No rain to worry about and the chill is no worse than when I would run the thermostat a bit chiller in the winter. Fresh air has been great.

My breathlessness does come and go. Or more, is better and worse. It is better than the worst points but any real activity and I know it is not gone. At least getting off the couch or out of my chair no longer causes wheezing. Anything much more than that will. And, even now, sometimes it is worse and sometimes it is better. Every once in a while I simply have to breath harder in order to not be out of breath.

I keep think about the exhaustion I feel. I have called it a possible spiritual thing. I was not being literal. If you know anything about math, for example, you might be familiar with the x, y, and z planes. There is another plane, for unreal numbers. Despite being called unreal, they are quite real. An example of them is the fact that you have the type of electricity you receive into your home. My exhaustion sort of runs a circuit like that. It is not completely physically, or psychologically based. But I understand little more than that it is different. I do believe, now, that it is just as real as physical exhaustion or psychological trauma, but that it is neither, or not wholly those things. It is not laziness either. But I simply cannot understand more than that.

Life really is pretty easy. Getting up is difficult for many people, but at some point this clears up and people get going. For me, for the last twenty years, that never clears up. Sleeping more does not help. Sleeping less does not help. It is not a matter of mood and is not depression. If I were a machine, I would be looking for some wires that occasionally ground, and not just one. I would say the whole wiring harness needs to be changed out. Either the design was bad or there are a lot of little problems that lead to a systemic failure. Medicine, today, is doing good when it is able to medicate or surgically remove the symptom(s) and hope the problem disappears. Doctors are merely making a good living. My problem is not their problem, and even if it were they have no solutions. I suppose I shouldn't be so angry with them. But then they are rather accusatory when my problem isn't easily treated. My anger is as reactive as anything.

Another day of fishing without fishing and I am hoping to be back into the fray. I have phone calls to make, business to attend, forms to fill out, medical care to manage, chores to do, and a few hobbies to pursue. But not for another day.

Good night.