Three women haunt me.

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The ones that got away. No, not ones that I messed up on, ones that were literally available for marriage. Well, two for sure and one a probable. Pretty? Oh yes. Two of them were model pretty and the other one would have been save for freckles (not gross or such, just too many to be technically in the field). I have seen two of them since. Oh, nothing liking bashing one's face against a brick wall, that's what bumping into them is like. What is worse, is whatever they liked about me then... they still like about me. One is married with two children and still gorgeous. The other was just getting a divorce but had also just gotten a hysterectomy. I haven't seen the other in years, thankfully, sadly.

In truth, I wasn't ready when they were. The first of them I came very close to getting pregnant. No, we abstained, but just barely. She was quick and devoted to staying chaste. High school, wouldn't you know. The second one was from another high school. The last I met in that last high school but we didn't... meet and become interested until our early 30's. It wouldn't have worked then. But I would have had kids. I can damn sure guarantee that. Still I am glad I didn't drag a women through this crap medical situation, or even as far as she would have gone with it. Hard to know though, some women bond more strongly the worse the deal. And it isn't like I am abusive. I simply don't function and get a bit testy when it is shoved in my face. I wonder what they would have thought after realizing it wasn't psychiatric, but actually medical instead? Who knows. Too many ifs to possibly ponder.

It's about bedtime. I am going to sleep while I can, as I may get a call tomorrow about the bike and I want to get right on that. I also have some other business I would like to work on and check on. Oh, one of my goals is, if I have money left at the end of the month, to sweep that all into savings for one of a number of projects or possible needs. I might have $300 to $600 this month, though some of that will go for a rocket stove. That is on top of a little that goes into savings automatically. Perhaps, if I get some business squared, and save a bit, I can pay my vehicle off and put that money against a few odd outstanding loans, then roll most of that up and put it against my home. All bills paid off I could almost double what I am paying on the home. But I also want something of a nestegg to begin improving the home for a future sale. Yes, prices are dropping, but they are dropping faster in the segment of houses one to two steps up from mine. Raising the value of this house, and having a good chunk of it paid, would make that transition quite a bit less painless. Ah, uhrm, just... thinking.

What do I want? More land and a slightly larger, more modern (depending) home. So long as there are trees, 5 to 10 acres, some outbuildings, and perhaps various water rights especially a well that could be or is fitted with a renewable energy pump and a standard one. Backup is your friend. One acre is good for up to 4 to 6 goats, a dozen chickens, and maybe a horse. I would like a place to have three to four horses, similar goats and chickens, ducks, and perhaps a milk cow and calf. Plus a bit more land for gardening. I am not sure being too far from town is the best idea. Actually having a small community act as a blockage to the few ways to enter an area would be good. Having to drive miles to shop is not all that fun. Just more thinking.

No, I'm not a perfect prepper. I actually am a bit dubious about those who build their mountain of steel in the wild wide open hinterlands. The cabin I lived in when I was a foster child was as close to the popular ideal of that as you could get, we even had running water (piped in from the creek of a spring). You could only access it via logging roads, further needing a 4x4 unless (like our neighbor) you were half insane. And, you could hear anyone coming for an hour or more. There were also numerous other logging roads out, so if someone was coming and you believed it was better to depart, they really couldn't have followed you. Plenty of wood, all the food you could store would be easily protected. But then, winters would have been tough. At least skis (though coming up would have been a major pain), perhaps while gas is available a snowmobile, and always the fear of simply being obliterated. No large towns anywhere close, only a small town down the mountain and then through the overpass or valley, whatever they called the main road in.

I wonder how many people have bugout bungalows that are uninhabitable part or even much of the year, if they really thought about it? Anyway, my reasoning is slightly different from the simple get-away. Then again I think many people really haven't ever been in wilderness. Knowing only the city, everything seems possible. It isn't. You could bring everything you want, everything you could need for years, or even want, and it just isn't the same. You go feral or you die. Even then you might just fall, or get hit by an avalanche, or simply starve because you lose your food and really don't have the skills to survive. You don't grow tomatoes in a month and a half, not at altitude, even with a glass house (unless you want to put it on stilts to stick out of 20 to 30 feet of snow, or more, and then... climb to it, and then figure out how to keep it warm enough, doubling or tripling your wood use, plus the problem of hauling... no). Not enough sun to make that worthwhile in any case, and the sun just wouldn't have had enough 'nutrients' for plants.

I keep reading specialized articles at survival blogs. Those are simply impossible for all but professionals, and even then rather unsustainable without manufacturing picking back up, and transport becoming possible, and some standard currency in place, and... And no EOTWAWKI. No, can't fantasize about having your cake and eating it too. Then again there are levels of disaster preparedness. EOTW is just the worst case. Like Zen, you learn in layers, I suppose. But some have simply jumped so far down the hole that they can never come back up (no, not you, your crap is good... except maybe to her). But even YOU know what I mean. I mean when YOU look over some of this stuff, you have to be saying... damn, that guy is an idiot. "I have my dozens of radios, with all the parts, and this, and that, and techy, and new age, and this goes here", and he doesn't even have a crew. He will go batshit and eat a barrel before six months, or worse.

Hmm, grumbling. Bed time. Good night.