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There was no real chance to sleep. It is much like hoping for rain when there isn't a cloud in the sky, or even one forecast for weeks. Which was fine. I had thawed some pork shoulder cuts some time back. I checked, hoping they hadn't gone bad. No, still good. Probably to turn bad very soon though. A bit of oil, a little flour, salt, pepper, and garlic on some (couldn't taste it, and I used what I thought was a lot). Still, I had both a great late meal, saved the meat, and have enough for two or three, maybe four, more meals. Hmm, sure, I could use some of the various vegetables I have for filler, or simmer one of the cutlets in stewed tomatoes. I suppose since I couldn't sleep, at least I averted waste. The kitchen won't be hit until the morning though... did I write "morning". Ahaha, silly me. I meant... tomorrow. Thursday. At first I was thinking I needed to rethink, mistakenly thinking tomorrow might be Friday, the day I am going to town to see my friend, shoot, shop, or whatever. But, no. Any excuse to avoid cleaning? Maybe.
Gaming is a lot of fun, at least when one isn't too tired. The controls in this particular game are a bit... weak. At first I thought this was a flaw, and perhaps it is (though a very typical one). But in this game, I think it is as much of a built in... challenge, as anything. And, yes, I am picky about whether I think something is a flaw or an enhancement. Dropping from ledges while platforming isn't smooth or even sure. Jumping up might get you one or two levels up. Two is usually good, unless there is nothing else up there. You really have to pay attention. Mazes, platform jumping, puzzles, intermittent fighting and being jumped at the oddest moments, keeps the game... lively. Still, after several hours or more of playing the mind becomes a little numb. I will finish off the boss of the dungeon I am in, which I had to look up how to do being too tired tonight to figure it on my own, then, finally, bed time. At 3:30 now, and assuming I can do the boss in five or ten minutes, that means, at earliest, I will be setting my alarm for about 13:00.
I usually try to get up before that, the alarm is more of an outside window in case I am simply resting too well. If I need more sleep though, well, the alarm either gets changed or simply shut off if 'no one is home'. Yeah, I know, it must seem like a lot of rules and caveats and orders of things. But really life is more about living, how it gets done is more the reality than something rules can encompass (as with you in your life). I suppose my suggestions are more... what I have seen in the past. Some of them are simply common sense, or even blatantly obvious literal happenings. Still, I like to try to figure out how things work, then tune them to my preferences. Failing is just par for the course, if not always on all things. On sleep and day cycles? I will most likely fail, only to crash and burn, then rise from the ashes, Phoenix style, into days again sometime in the future. Even with a woman about, while I do much better, it was never perfect even then. Just... much better. Either to avoid her or be with her, and sometimes it could be one or the other with the same woman. *grins* Gah but women can be annoying furry bunny squirrels! I just avoid long enough that they finally begin to miss me again though, when I am not of the mood or temper to deal with... their form of insanity. Some women are stubborn that way, holding onto grudges for the longest of times.
Yeah, tomorrow... rest up a bit from today. I was only slightly off, due to the flu shot, though it might solely have been little sleep and the events of the day. I am worn regardless. A bit of cleaning in the kitchen, maybe getting the last bad panel out of the drywall, and laundry could take a little attention. I won't press it though. This is sort of my week off, coming down from my mother's visit. I do need some rest. Then again, if I can step into things, that is about as much as I might expect to get to on any particular day. If I can, once a month for a week or so, pick up the pace to maintain that level plus add a special project, that would be my ideal, given the real limitations, thus what I can expect from myself. I turn into a zombie otherwise, and I don't have anyone hereabouts to do the thinking, or even to guide me toward doing my own. The doctors just don't seem to understand that, at all. Not the physical side, not the psychiatric side. I'm just more tired than I should possibly be, or than I can compensate for with sleep or anything else. Even Ritalin only slightly offered function, I still was tired 'on the inside'. TIRED! ALWAYS! Famished for sleep! What is not to get? Don't look at the body, or mind, for "reasons", just listen to me. TIRED! Ugh.
Oh, sure, I realize I told... long stories. But when you are extremely tired, you are also very vulnerable to suggestion. With my imagination, and their seeming want of stories, they got what they wanted. The little bit inside me that was even partially aware was as careless about the whole thing as someone on way too much Valium or something. I had no capacity to care that I was being led to lie, then lying, I just wanted to feel rested, to sleep, to... something, anything. That exhaustion, and lack of anyone hearing that simple notion, combined, is what drove me to suicide. Anti-depressants kept me suicidal, as I see things now. Amazing how backing away from medical, with an income, time, and space, I have sorted things out probably as well as they can be sorted out. Now, perhaps, the heart, and diabetes, can begin to be treated rightly. They are on the path to that. I still doubt that I will see much improvement in the rest of my life. Scary as that is, it is what I have. Even so, I'll take it. I don't have to worry about death. I've already seen some pretty horrific things and know I can endure, with a little time. And I like life, little or big as it may be on any given day.
Meh, whatever. I'm rambling as my mind seeks a place to begin shutting down. Good night.
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