So tired, so taught.

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Yeah, I may be sleeping a lot.  But my focus is laser beam absolute.  My resolution has settled on the nano while my body rots in the world.  The notion of women, to a degree, has claimed my focus for real world reasons.  Well, and refusing to surrender, not even to pain or erstwhile confusion during these times.  I am holding on, if seemingly to nothing often.  As such, I might be just a tetch... caustic.  Oh, but never fear.  This can happen in any times.  Further, so long as it is kept, at least mostly, on track, I don't mind a bit.  Sometimes I direct it at me, sometimes you, sometimes them, or this, or that.  Sometimes, like this time, someone raises their hand and says "Oh, ew... me, pick me... me, me, me".  I oblige.


No dreams the last few sleep cycles.  Blah, but okay.  Sleep has been great.  A few or many hours at a time, I am needing all I get.  I am also trying to force out more consciousness during my waking ours.  It's a test, and one in some ways I lose.  I don't think the best, am not the most reasoned, always.  Don't even thing my posts haven't been spot on, in my eyes, if a little raw though.  No, those are good.  I merely indicate that my other time is not as I would have it.  Further, while I can stretch into my consciousness if not as well as I should like, I cannot get that to extend into the world, into action.  I will take what I can get for the moment.  Tracking days is a real bear though.  That part bugs me.  Far worse than before, now it is every day that I have no clue, not just moments, or a few days in the week.  I have set my cellphone down, and only allow myself to look a few times.  I check my calendar a few times a week to get a really rough scale of where I am, when I need to be somewhere next, and what sort of objective calibration of time I can sort of give to that.  I need a time scale that makes sense in this sleep madness, and do create one to the best of my abilities.

So, if I upset you, if I angered you, if I disappointed you?  Understand, I don't have time for sympathy or empathy, even for myself.  Walled up and focused, dark things will come of beating this nearly dead horse.  I am busily trying just to focus on food, staying awake, taking medicine, and making sure the girls are tended, and not vomiting or psychically bleeding as I try to switch focus from one thing to the next.  I don't have time for your problems with the truth and reality.  Oh?  Yeah?  But I love ya.  :)

Remember, the squeaky wheel gets the grease.  Are you sure you need grease... right now?  Oh, I can do that.  I can.  Not sure now is the best time.  Your choice.

Later.