Yeah, well, medicine.

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I had hoped to get to things, and will still try if I can and through the beginning of restarting medication.  I don't have much hope, to be honest.  I will be doing well to even remember that I wanted to do things as focus fades, if this is a typical restart.  Plus, I'll be starting at lower doses and moving up some time in the near future.  As such I will have two major hits to productivity coming, back to back.  I am looking at taking the first level of dose until I can begin to see light at the end of the tunnel, then titrating up.  I have no idea how long that will take, or how long it will be before I see the final light then struggle out into the light of day again.  If the past is even a rough gauge, it will take months, two to three.  I just know this is going to hurt.  Bad as it is, right now, in my inability to get working, it will get worse.  Much, much, worse.  Think about only being able to live in a moment of life that becomes goldfishesque... or at least as popular notions would present them.  Life spent in three second bubbles with only what you can think and recall from that, mostly.  Notes don't help, they often just confuse.  Fog.  Deep, impenetrable, dark, and forever for the moments in there, moments which will be lost to me once I come out of there.  A type of death you don't want to know.  That was most of my last 25 years though, so...  I can handle a bit more to get my heart back in order, I suppose.  Fack!  But I'll... do it.

I finally figured out what I look for in a woman, traditionally, my traditions anyway.  She had to be attractive, to my eye.  But really, she needed volcanic passion.  YUM!  The latter was of much higher prominence in my... choosing.  She needed to be very... organic, naturally quite feminine, and she needed to be deeply emotional, love, anger, fear (though not of me, or not in a mechanical sense), whatever.  I think I construed that with love.  When I would wear a woman down, tame the shrew as it were, I would... run out of what I thought was love.  I knew it wasn't about sex, that was just... a part of it, for me.  It is a part of what I had to offer, more than what she had to offer, actually.  Seeing this actually, for the first time at that, might lead me to better relationships in the future.  I've been thinking on this for a long time.

Women are naturally adverse to risk taking and even assertiveness let alone aggression.  I not only could, but did, pull this out of women.  I wove contexts in which they could explore their darker sides, and created an atmosphere, probably for the first time in their lives, where they could vent with and to a powerful male.  And they did.  But women do not have that sort of strength.  They have great physical stamina but no ability to sustain heightened emotional states.  Eventually they run out of steam.  Then they learn to distract, avoid, change the subject.  Having an occasional safe outlet is much as their notions on sex, they both decrease in demand to... suboptimal Doom levels.  I don't know exactly how to work that, should an opportunity arise, but knowing is key to figuring these things out.

I do wonder if I... develop in women what exists in myself.  Or, in reaching to me they find that in themselves.  There is something there.  It isn't all bad.  It is creative.  Within certain constraints it might even be quite... entertaining.  Exploring who you are, and could be, with some limits and guidance from a master of the art... probably has it's own draw?  Right there in front of me, all this time.  I was digging to it, itching that scratch, until it became so very clear.  I think I can work with it.  Most people think women have a broad range of self.  And while I do think that is true, they don't explore it as much on their own.  In this, as with many things, I am as a pillar of salt, she will never be worse than me.  Well, women can slip from one to another much more quickly.  There is that.  Grinding gears, says I. 

A good sleep, a good wake, a crazy past, a dreadful short term prospective future.  It's... the ingredients for my day.  I've had worse.  I hope to know better again.  Gosh but I... like that song.  Get's me going... Yowch.  Later.