Before the alarm, in spite of little sleep.

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I would like to say it is because I believe this clinic is the only medical hope that has panned out.  While that has some weight, lends it's gravitas toward my efforts, that isn't enough.  Sometimes my body works better or doesn't seem to work at all.  I just happen to be able to at least swing at the ball yesterday, today, and probably tomorrow.  Whether I connect or not will depend on if I can actually make it there on time.  No matter my will, or even my consciousness and awareness with proximity to an event, whether I make it, even now, is a more finely crafted test from reality than any final I took in mathematics, physics, or other topic.  My mind and body have to both be working in at least a minimum configuration.  Those finals I took before were dependent upon study.  The test I take getting to the hospital cannot be known, learned, studied so as to be known, in advance.  Every single event, outside my home, even a trip to the store, is a test.  At least having some sorts of days and nights, in regular time, has become almost normal, once medicine has been maximized, if that slips from time to time.

I had almost let judging slide, if not by will rather than not having awareness.  Still, I didn't.  While it was late Tuesday, that is within my preferred schedule, just no later.  And I just happened to catch it.  I'll take a last minute save over being a day late, or a week... but I do understand.  I'll take coming in just on target.  Even if it wasn't, perhaps, my best work.  It also wasn't my worst.  I remember at least one time where I merely judged.  No encouragement, no attempt to frame and serve the thing, just words.  I know, not many do what I do, but people out there have real lives.  People, places, events, schedules, bosses, people to be taught and guided professionally, husbands, wives, pets, other hobbies, the rest.  This, for me, regarding people, other than a visit every few months with a doc, and weekly visits with the neighbors(tm), are it for... duties.  Other than trying to do, and often failing, the very minimums in life on my own.  So... I have time.  Lots of it needs to be at least sitting.  At least I don't sleep like I used to have to sleep.  Ever heard of the Sleeping Jesus*?  How about the sleeping grumpy Jesus?  So, with so much time needed with my bottom planted, I have the time to put in some effort.  Haiku has become my virtual flower garden.  :p

*Don't worry your pretty head.  I am claiming no such thing, merely, chuckling at the cluckle-headed herd that dares even say such a thing... well, and poking a stick in my own eye while I'm at it.  If you can't laugh at yourself, pick someone else.  But... why not laugh at everybody all at once, self included?  Call it a chuckle pot pie casserole.  Saves on psyche dishes!  :)

A little music was needed as I wake.  Well, needed?  Wanted.  I just need that extra little bit to help.  The alarm would be going off just right now.  I've already had a bit of coffee and am almost 'feeling it' already.  But... I need just a touch more.  Oh, and yeah... I think I absolutely astound the doctors.  I know I keep saying that, but every new doc I face, I get a facefull of it.  Some of them don't like it, at all.  They know I have ridden a line that isn't supposed to be possible.  Well, and coupled with my completely politically incorrect notions, I am, to the practicing gentry, a monster as if I walked off a werewolf set but kept some part of it.  Some of them are pulling for me to die, don't know why I haven't.  Some of them hope I make it.  Not sure what form it might take today.  At least the regulars have become polite, some of them even started out that way, mostly.  People in my condition really usually don't last long, not even as long as they have been seeing me.  I guess I can't blame them for not believing this was and has been the problem for 25 years.  It's... unpossible!  :)

Life can be difficult.  But there are little and big things to smile about on almost any given day.  Even if I can be grumpy, or some suggest.  Pointing out that a tree is taller than a house, however, is not a slight, or other facts.  It is only in a population where feelings are given precedents to reality that someone such as I finds himself on the outs with civil polity.  Then again, I like pulling some of those strings anyway.  Thankfully, I don't even have to work at it.  Just by continuing to breath I am a dig at it.  I can't do this forever, but I can do it far longer than most suspect.  I like doing it too... finally.  :)

Later.