It isn't a bad life.

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Even as out of sorts as I am quite often, the mind works fine back under the shield of useless, often, flesh.  The will is good.  The doctors don't understand.  Truth is, I have seen something work on that part.  Ritalin.  Not for the stated purpose of slowing things down, but by speeding things up.  Of course, that, like most medicines, is horrible to take.  It pushes my body and mind enough to make the link that does not otherwise exist, for the most part.  Which is why I believe it to be a mechanical medical problem.  It is the linkage between the two that isn't able to draw enough power to allow my will to be acted on by my flesh to create and perform in the physical world.  And yet my body takes care of itself, mostly.  And I take care of thoughts.  It's almost as if the two parts divorced, if not really by choice.  Accidental transcendentalism, no doubt at all.

I still hope the medicines, as I can take them, continue to help my heart.  I really think that is the key.  I have seen vast improvements in the last few years, done a number of things not possible for decades, and really started to enjoy my life.  Still frustrated by perpetual failure, and yet unwilling to quit, give up, or lower my expectations, I trudge on.  You honestly can't imagine how hard life is, or how odd that one as weak as I could learn to figure out how to enjoy such a difficult thing.  Being lost to flesh, always feeling as if I was under great pressure, sometimes with odd and terrible pain, often with some sorts of underlying pain just below my threshold to actually feel it if knowing it is there... always, or almost.  And, yet, I do enjoy life.

I have seen what comes next.  I do look forward to it, but in my time.  There is no pain there, no hunger, no thirst, no need, not even any wants... and that was before heaven.  Okay, there was one want, in my state.  I didn't get to see heaven.  Stopped before the gates.  Whether for sin, awaiting judgement, or because it wasn't my time and God would know, I can't say with any definitive certainty, if what I remember leads me to believe I had to... wait because of sin.  Even there, in a form of limbo, you can't imagine how easy it is.  But I came to understand some things about there and here, and time.  I will wait, but while I wait I will do my best at padding the odds that I won't have to sit on the porch next time I visit, but will be welcomed.

Hmm... just thinking.  Yes, I write what I think.  I talk as I think as well.  If I trust to talk.  Sometimes even when I do not, such as with doctors.  Some things some people just cannot understand.  I doubt if most people understand.  I am different, in so many ways.  I have reason to look at the possibility of being other than human.  Whether damaged or not, my IQ puts me at least as an oddity.  My physical size does as well.  My resistance to death is miraculous.  Even my sight, of things unseen, is unusual if prophetic only for my purposes, it was powerful enough to allow for a mostly dead man to cross the country and buy a home as a stranger in a strange land.  So, discussing things with people who believe humans are biological machines with psychological software, all of which fits in a nice pat package, is probably... useless.  Wasted breath.  Even should they believe in God, that usually seems secondary to their faith in the sciences.  Odd, since they know by practice that they have no real power.  At best a doctor can buy time for someone to heal themselves.  Why this one and not that, despite how it looks on paper?  Ah, because life, and death, is a province only of God.  I learned that as a warrior.  Strange these so called men of science can't, won't, see it.

Just thinking and mumbling.  Probably saying the same thing over and over, if hopefully in slightly different ways.  Well, it is still the holiday, and I am still sort of enjoying some "time off".  Later or good night.