Here or there?

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Often, in this realm, for now, whatever either of those words mean, I am either here or there.  If I am here, I am fully alive.  Sometimes, often, whether from illness or effort, I hurt.  I hurt as often as I can.  Such is life as I know it.  When suffering doesn't exist, I create it.  An extra day out, a hike, whatever I can add.  Though, honestly, for decades all I needed to do was fight to consciousness and pain was all around me.  It is my world, life.  One I do not regret.  If I am there, though, I feel nothing.  I see little, hear little, understand little.  The veil of tears is shuttered.  I ghost through time and space.  I am no more.

Once in a while, as if a magical gift for all of my sins, I receive a special sort of blessing.  Neither here nor there, or both, or... neither?  Sometimes that is the worst of both worlds, sometimes it is the best.  Right now, and for a day or two, it has been the best of both worlds.  Knowing, but ghosting, working but painlessly, shifting but solidly.  I cannot explain these things to you.  I can, sometimes, find words in songs, vision in videos, or words of my own.  As before, sometimes there is a mix of many things, as today.


While resting between this and that in the here and there, I viewed several things, of various sorts, which gave me pause, beyond that.  A trailer, for probably a silly movie, but one that... has a place in my stories.  A man from another place, who has seen and done things that don't make sense to most around him.  He, too, is probably considered insane.  The story of a fellow traveler, of sorts.  The parallels were ticklish.


And, another, if along darker themes.  The understanding that just being what you are, as odd and impossible as it is, does not mean that one is always welcomed by the others of one's rare ilk.  No, it doesn't work like that.  Especially... if one has seen beyond oneself.  For those that only know self, there will be little desire for a connection, an understanding.  An extension of the enemy within, I suppose.


No, I won't see the movies.  They have probably been ruined by so much political correctness and other rot that they are useless for anything but socialist propaganda.  Still, the notions were enough.  The thing is, the world think these things are bad.  I tell you they are good.  Pain is worth the suffering.  Standing alone for what is seen are real good is worth the price.  And believing in what others don't, can't, or won't see is not wrong.

Laundry should be ready shortly, then the dishes.  Another, and probably final major trash collection not long after that.  Well, and getting the trash and maybe recycling out later still.  Resting, drifting, thinking, dreaming, living, and ghosting, as I do what I may not remember having done.  But it is a most peaceful place to... be.  Just... be.  Oh, of course, believe as you like.  Just... stories.

Later.